Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

the week.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

Thank you.

You know, in these past weeks, we've roasted some of the great personalities

our time.

People in politics, sports, and the arts.

What a shame we weren't able to roast some of the great figures in history,

people like Michelangelo, Napoleon, or George Washington. Can you imagine

what it would be like to roast George Washington?

Well, since we're approaching the 200th birthday of the United States, we

thought a tribute should be paid to our first president.

So, ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome our man of the week, General George

Washington.

Tonight we're honoring the father of our country, George Washington.

A man who wears a velvet suit, white silk stockings, and a powdered wig.

You sure you're not the mother of our country?

Yeah, things were different in those days. George was president when you

couldn't make a lot of money at it.

Remember George's famous words as he stood up in the rowboat crossing the

Delaware? He said, who the hell made these seating arrangements?

George first met Martha at the Boston Tea Party. She was one of the bags they

threw overboard.

Not only was George our first president, he was the first man to ever be fitted

with wooden teeth.

He never brushed his teeth. He polished them with pledge.

Even though George is the greatest general this country ever had, he

lost his first battle with the British.

That's because he ran out of powder.

He also ran out of rouge and lipstick.

George, you're deserving of this tribute. And now I'd like to introduce

members of the day.

My first guest is Mr. Dick Martin. Dick is the only guy in America who knows

which one is Roan and which one is Martin.

My good pal and neighbor, Mr. Dick Martin.

When they asked me to make a speech on George Washington tonight, it was no big

deal because it just so happens I already had one written.

And it was just a short while ago.

George, George, George Washington by little Dickie Martin.

Miss Feeney's class B minus.

George, George, George.

George Washington was our first president.

when it was easy to be a schoolboy, because you only had to remember 13

and one president in a couple of years of history.

George Washington wasn't always president. He started out as a tree

he didn't get very far. He had only chopped down his first tree when his dad

caught him and asked him who did it.

George couldn't tell a lie because he still had the hatchet in his hand.

Mr. Washington did not punish him because George still had the hatchet in

hand.

Washington fought with General Cornwallis and General Burgoyne and

Gates. He couldn't get along with anybody.

Washington is honored by the Washington Monument, Washington Bridge, and

Washington, D .C., and none of them, not one of them, look like him.

George Washington will always be remembered in history books, on the

bill, and in the hearts of his countrymen, and by little school kids

get all his birthdays off. Thank you, George.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome our first, first lady, Martha

Washington.

I'm glad to see that you're roasting my husband tonight.

George needs a little warming up.

He's had cold feet ever since Valley Forge.

He also had cold feet on our honeymoon.

We spent our honeymoon in Philadelphia.

And it's true, just like they say.

Nothing ever happens in Philadelphia.

Now, there have been a lot of jokes made about my husband tonight and more to

come, I'm sure.

But I just want to comment on the level of humor that I've heard so far.

I've heard all those jokes before.

And they were old when I first heard them.

Now, let me tell you some truth about my husband.

It is true that even though George was one of the founders of this democracy,

did keep slaves on his plantation.

But ladies and gentlemen, he did it for patriotic reasons.

He just wanted to give Mount Vernon a good basketball team.

And it is true that George loved this country, especially Virginia.

He loved every inch of Virginia, every foot of Virginia, until one night

Virginia's husband came home from the war.

I am very proud of my husband.

I think my husband, George Washington, was the best president America ever had,

and he did it the hard way.

Unlike Mr. Nixon, George couldn't blame the country's problems on the previous

administration.

Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest guy I know, Mr. Leonard Barr.

No. Thank you, dude.

Nice to be here honoring a great man like George Washington.

Last time I saw George was at Mount Rushmore.

He was sitting up there with two steps.

He's got a great sense of humor. Sure he had wooden teeth. He could make

anything out of wood. Look at his pants. No button, no zipper. Swinging doors.

And, oh, I got to tell you about Martha. She had everything.

She should have been quarantined.

She has an overbite. She could eat an apple through a picket fence.

George had a lot of great friends, like that guy from Illinois, Abraham Lincoln.

You know what Lincoln did? Freed all the slaves. Now they're all out of work.

And he knew Lady Godiva, right?

Remember when she rode down the street and come into England side saddle? You

know what everybody said?

Hooray for our side.

And how about that speech he made?

He made a speech one night for 175 unemployed midgets. He got a standing

ovation. He didn't even know it.

General Washington, we're very pleased to have with us someone who was with you

in one of your finest hours.

He was your aide -de -camp when you and your troops spent that terrible winter

at Valley Forge.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you all please welcome Colonel Groucho Lawrence.

anyone ever tell you at that wig on you look like Ilona Massey?

His wife looks like Raymond Massey, I'll tell you that.

I was honored to serve with George at Valley Forge. It was really a tough

winter, though.

Old men died and young men died, just like young men's gonna die tonight.

But Grubb was an inspiration to all of us at Valley Forge, I'll tell you that.

Not only was he fighting the desperate battle with the British, but he was also

busy with foreign affairs.

Foreign affairs are great if you don't give your right name, I'll tell you

What a big laugh in 1863.

I said, but General, I got some bad news.

The British are threatening to destroy Philadelphia.

George said to me, I heard even worse news.

I heard they're threatening not to destroy Philadelphia.

I'd rather be here than in Philadelphia.

Anyway, I said, General, some of our troops want a dessert.

He said, not until they finish the vegetables.

He was quite a guy. I remember when he was courting Martha. Remember that,

General? Yes.

Wasn't easy courting in those days.

Did you ever try hugging and kissing in the backseat of a buffalo?

In conclusion, George, certainly seemed like the right time to conclude, I'll

tell you that.

These jokes are as old as I am.

Inclusion, George, I just want to say that you were a great general. I mean

from the bottom of my sincerely.

Not...

Not much of a tactician, but at least, what the heck, he kept us out of

Cambodia.

Thank you, Steve Lawrence.

The poor lady's no water between the boat.

I guess you all know that was Steve Lawrence. Thank you, Steve. My next

Corbett Monica.

Critics have said that Corbett's career has been just like a meteor, gone right

into the ground.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a lie.

One of the real funny guys in the business, Mr.

Corbett Monica.

Pleasure to be here. I must be honest with you.

I never met George Washington before.

I don't really know him, and I cross his bridge once in a while. He's never

there.

Wooden teeth. Could you picture him on the TV commercial years ago? Look, Ma,

termites.

I don't know, George, as I mentioned before, but I do know that all great men

were prolific letter writers and great correspondents, so I took the trouble of

going to the archives and...

finding some letters and copying them. I thought you might be interested in

hearing a few. Here's an invitation to the social function of the year to

George. Dear George and Martha, we certainly hope you can attend. If you

you'll be at table two with the Jeffersons, Dolly and James Madison, and

Frenchie and Marty Allen.

Here's something interesting.

A dental bill.

$20 for drilling, $10 for lumber.

You don't mind if I laugh so you don't get lonely, do you?

And six dollars for sandpaper.

A letter from your good friend, Benedict Arnold.

Dear George, I am innocent.

I have always been loyal to the government.

I thought the Irving committee was unfair.

And when you get the tapes, you'll find out I'm telling the truth.

Francis Scott Key.

Dear George, I realize you are no longer the president and now in retirement.

However, you're the only one I can turn to.

As you know, I wrote the Star -Spangled Banner.

It took me hours and days and weeks and months. I worked diligently by the

candlelight, straining my eyes to write a song that would inspire this country

to great horizons and to have Robert Goulet screw it up like...

Every time Nipsey does this show, he takes a lot of abuse, and rightly.

There he is, my good pal, Mr.

Nipsey Russell.

George Washington threw a silver dollar across the Potomac one day, and ever

since then, politicians in Washington have been throwing our money away.

It doesn't apply to George. George was a true statesman. A statesman is a

politician that never got caught stealing.

I always admired George and his half -brother Booker T.

The slave owners had integration, just not in the daytime.

I always patterned my life.

After George Washington, I remember when I was a kid, one Halloween, we went out

as kids, frogs and they do, and I pushed the old outhouse over the cliff.

The next day, my father gathered the children around. He said, who pushed the

outhouse over the cliff?

I said, Dad, I'm like George Washington. I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the

outhouse over the cliff.

He kicked me so fast I thought he was in my hip pocket.

I said, wait a minute, Dad. When George Washington cut down the cherry tree, his

father did not whip him because he told the truth.

My dad said, yeah, but George Washington's father wasn't sitting in

tree.

of George Washington, one also thinks of his contemporaries, the founders of

this country, who formulated a document absolutely perfect, so much so that this

day, a man with a lostness character cannot vote in this country.

He can get elected, but he cannot vote.

And there were many others who can forget Paul Revere, as he rode through

countryside, rousing the Minutemen, grab your...

The British are coming.

Giddy up.

He went through the countryside.

One farmer's wife came to the door and says, I have no musket. And my husband

not here. I'm alone.

And Paul Revere said, whoa.

I am a little great black patriotic hero, Christmas addict.

And his dying words were, why didn't I let Whitey settle his own business?

Look at the country in 1776 and in 1976, and I came up with a poem.

I think I have a solution.

Before our flag falls into the dust, attack Japan, lose the war, and let the

Japanese take care of us.

Paid tribute to our guest of honor is a well -known television personality, Mr.

Yule Gibbons.

Yule, it might interest you to know that the other day I saw a bumper sticker

that said, Save our forests, extract Yule Gibbons' teeth.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the weirdo from the woods, Mr. Yule Gibbons.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

I feel right at home with all these comedians around me here.

They remind me of Wild Hickory Night.

Oh, Dean, did you ever drink a pine tree?

all know about the time in Virginia that George was accused of chopping down a

cherry tree.

And again, George said, I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet. He

could, and he did.

Well, I think it's time that America knew the true story. I'm here to tell

world that George was covering up for the real culprit.

And we happen to know who he was.

My little playmate, your little playmate, and my great, great

John Quincy Gibbons.

Yes, I have documentary proof. Here's the Gibbons confession.

This has come down in our family.

To whom it may concern, I, John Quincy Gibbons, find

it impossible to bear this intolerable burden of guilt.

It was I, and not little Georgie.

Who chopped down that cherry tree?

Oh, P .S.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

Thank you.

Well, Henny Youngman is a comedian who never really found himself, and if he

ever does, he'll be sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, take Henny, please.

Claire walks into a psychiatrist.

Claire walks into a psychiatrist. Nobody talks to me. Says,

next.

The man walks into the doctor. He says, doctor, I have a ring in my ear. What

will I do? He says, don't answer.

Doctor gave a man six months to live. He couldn't pay the bill. He gave him

another six months.

Little guy in the town, everybody hates this man. When he dies, nobody has a

good word to say for him.

Not even the local rabbi. So they call the rabbi in the next town. They say,

rabbi, will you say a few good words about this man?

I didn't like him either, but I'll say a few words. He says, the brother was

worse.

George,

I'm ready for you now.

Remember what you said when you saw them put the noose around Nathan Hale's

neck? Ring around the collar, ring around the collar.

They just got the news, they just got the news about Nixon.

Called Dial -A -Pray, they hung up on him.

The man walks into the psychiatrist.

He says, lay on that couch.

The man walks into the psychiatrist. He says, you lay on that couch. You want to

talk, talk.

You don't want to talk, you don't have to talk. The man lays on the couch. No,

don't say a word. Walks out the night. He says, 50 bucks.

Comes back three weeks later.

Plays on the couch an hour. Don't say a word.

Walks out.

50 bucks. Comes back the seventh week. He says, Doc, I'd like to say something.

He says, what is it? You need a partner?

There he is, Don Rickles' eighth coach, Mr.

Jack Carter.

Certainly good to be here on this auspicious occasion.

It's a very patriotic night, and Dean, you're a great American and a great

patriot. Man has even got patriotic eyeballs.

Just look at him, blue with red whites.

That he's a great American and you really should be up there on Mount

You should be up on that mountainside with Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln.

Don't even have to chisel him. He's stoned right now.

Dean, you really dug up some beauties tonight, didn't you?

Really did. Looks like a freak out at the Hollywood Wax Museum.

But I'm delighted to do that. I think you dug up the wrong man. I came here

expecting to be Georgie Jessel.

I thought you remember George, don't you? Oh, of course. He did the eulogy at

your funeral.

And it's so good to see different people here that I love, like Nipsey Russell.

God bless him. You were funny that night, Nipsey.

You're not getting here anymore from now on, you white ball.

It's also good to see Henny Youngman here. You remember Henny Youngman?

I got a great statesman. He should have been there when they got together the

Bill of Rights. It would have been all different. Young men would have said, we

got these truths to be self -evident. They're all men who created Jewish.

And a job by the writer within and out of the elbow routines.

Among these are life, liberty, and a pursuit of halibut.

George,

put some gunpowder in your wig and you blow your top.

And Leonard Barr.

I think he passed away about an hour ago.

Ron Leonard, we know you. You'll never live to be as old as you look.

You know what he's here? That's Dean's uncle, that's right.

It's better to have him here than out in front of NBC yelling, I'm Dean's uncle.

I'm Dean's uncle.

That's right.

I'm excited to get a new Steve Lawrence here.

He's an aide to camp. He's a campy as aide I ever saw.

Look at that trick -or -treat mustache and nose from the drugstore he got it.

Ah, you're wonderful. You are a funny man.

You really are. Even when you sing, you're funny. You really are.

Look how he got up here alone, which proves you can stand on your own, Steve.

You don't need Eddie Gourmet. You don't need her. You need Barbara Streisand and

Vicky Carr.

You remember those years of the war, George.

Remember how hard you... Don't sit with the arms folded. They'll bury you again.

to go down in history.

Like the time that you threw a dollar across the Rappahannock River.

And it wasn't easy. You used paper money, you idiot.

And remember Valley Forge. Remember the freezing battles.

And remember Cornwallis. And remember when you crossed the Delaware.

Yes, with your men rowing and freezing in the boat. But you stood up at the

helm. And why did you stand up? Because every time you sat down, some idiot

handed you an oar.

You think you had it rough crossing the Delaware, crossing in that boat.

How about the imbecile in the water swimming alongside painting the picture?

But then, then you met lovely Martha Washington after she divorced Ralph

Cramden. But I knew that you would go down in history

because you're a great man.

And you came back as a great man, just like General Grant, who came back as a

tomb. And Lincoln, who came back as eternal.

And Adams, who came back as a chicklet.

And Bismarck, who came back as a herring.

And Dean, who came back as a drunk.

Let's never forget, George, that you came back as a dollar bill, which means

you're worth about 38 cents today.

Important men... You know, that didn't even hurt me.

One of the most important men on any president's

staff is his press secretary.

He's the one responsible for... This is quite a word.

Disseminating?

for decimating information about the

president of the news media.

We are very pleased to have with us tonight President Washington's press

secretary. Would you all please welcome Mr. Foster Brooks.

remember the one evening, Mr. President, that you'd invited me to your home for

dinner.

After you and your lovely wife had had a brief discussion as to the loyalty to

one another down through the years.

And she looked at you and said, George, I wrote a poem.

Dr. Marlin said, let me hear it.

And she said, you say you've always been faithful, that you've never cheated

once, and yet there are times when I feel that

I must be an awful dunce, but you must know how I

feel, my love, how I feel about you.

you've been to me, I've been as faithful to you.

And you, Mr. President, turned to me and said, how would you like to be married

to a cheating broad like that?

And I wish to thank you, sir, or madam, whatever the case may be.

of disseminating news about George Washington.

Some of the stories I disseminate are real.

However, some of them are what you might call instances of artificial

dissemination.

First of all, you all know that story. I put out about George chopping down,

chopping down the cherry tree.

Well, it is true as far as it went.

But do you know why he chopped down that cherry tree?

Pure spite.

He wanted to stop little Tommy Jefferson's poodle from using it.

I know a story about how George was crossing the Delaware. He stood up in

boat to provide inspiration to his men.

That was not the reason.

He just wanted to get a better look because he heard that Dolly Madison was

skinny dipping.

One legend about George Washington that is absolutely true.

He did throw a silver dollar across the Potomac River, which goes to

show that history repeats itself.

First there's a Georgie Porgy who throws a dollar, and now there's a

Dickie who passes the buck.

So now, ladies and gentlemen, with great pride, respect and admiration,

I'd like to call upon our man of the week, who's been our number one man for

years, President George Washington.

Thank you, Dean, members of the dais.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to say this has been a dull evening, but

tomorrow there will be a historical marker on this site saying, George

Washington slept here.

Mr. Youngman, your one -liners didn't get many laughs.

Comes as no surprise, they didn't get any laughs in 1776 either.

See, Lawrence, you remind me of a British soldier that fell in the Battle

Bunker Hill. You both died for a meaningless cause.

And Mr.

Dick Martin, after watching you tonight, I think they should take my picture off

the dollar bill and please put yours on it because the dollar is worthless.

Foster Brooks, I'm...

Always admired your patriotism. Every year he celebrates the fourth with a

fifth.

And Mr. Jack Carter and Mr. Leonard Barr and Mr. Corbett Minecker, tonight I've

experienced life after death.

But tonight you, with your jokes, have experienced death during life.

Thank you again.

That's our show for tonight.

I'd like to thank my guests for providing the fun, and a very special

our man of the week, George Washington, who was played by that very

distinguished actor, Mr.

Jan Layton.

George Washington was a great president, a great general, and a man of great

charm and wit. It was George Washington who once said, I've come to the

conclusion... that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a

law firm, and that three or more become Congress.

Good night, everybody. All the way home, Captain. Warm up the heart.