Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld Room, some of the world's greatest

entertainers are here tonight.

They're in Las Vegas in person as Dean Martin honors our man of the hour.

Gabe Kaplan.

With tonight's guests, Charlo, Johnny Vance, Milton

Berle, Ed Bluestone, Red Button, Nipsey Russell,

George Kirby, Howard Cosell, Joe Garagiola, Billy

Crystal.

Abe Vigoda.

Jimmy Walker.

Horson Wells.

Alice Ghostly. And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

With tonight's very special man of the hour, Dean Kaplan.

We'll get it here.

At the beautiful MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas to honor Gabe Kaplan. Not because

he's a great humanitarian.

Not because he's a great comedian.

We honor Gabe Kaplan because we couldn't get Fonzie.

When I went to school, I had a teacher that looked just like Gabe.

She had a mustache, too.

When I went to school, I used to do nutty things just like the sweat hogs.

there was this kid who used to sit in front of me. Every day I used to pull

hair. Today, he's Tully Savalas.

There was a rough school, boy, I tell you. Fist fights every day.

There were so many broken hands in our class, the kids had to pledge allegiance

with their feet.

As you know, Gabe's show is on TV during the family hour. But millions of our

viewers wish Welcome Back, Cotter could be shown a little later, like 1980.

Before I introduce my first guest, I just want to say one thing to you. You

can't have everything. Remember the famous words of the hunchback of Notre

who once said to his tailor, forget my pants, just fix my jacket.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, hold it down. When he checked in, oh, no, I ain't

getting off now. I got you going. As a matter of fact, when he checked into the

MGM Grand, they not only gave him a beautiful suite, they gave him a

filled with ripples.

They said, why is that right?

They said war costs millions of dollars a day and love just a few bucks a night.

He grew up rough. Rough and tough.

When he was a kid, he used to wear wool tweed pants and no underwear.

They used to call him Roe High.

I see Johnny Bencher. Johnny, when we were kids, we were suspicious.

We used to slide into first base on a walk.

Oh, we trusted nobody because we had been lied to. We didn't believe that

goose nonsense.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a pail of water. We knew water didn't flow

uphill.

We didn't believe that Santa Claus nonsense.

We know ain't no white man gonna ride no reindeer through Harlem after midnight.

Come back to the show. They had the one where you had kids that had been

industrious. They had saved their money and they put it in a fish on the wall.

And I remember little Lawrence Jacobs said he was going to take the money and

invest it so he could become a tycoon.

That's what we used to call the guy that sold neckwear in our neighborhood.

just to Gabe Kaplan but to sweat hogs all over the world to all of you young

people in all the schools I say seek for knowledge go to a college stay there

until you are through if they could make penicillin out of moldy cheese they can

make something out of you

She's a young Puerto Rican lady who works for Gabe as his maid.

Puerto Rico to Hollywood to Las Vegas, Miss Consuela Garcia.

Bravo! She is.

Consuela Garcia.

I tell you about the real Gabe Kaplan.

The girls he goes out with, ay bendito sea, they're losers.

You know, he dates one who says she's an actress.

Please give me a break.

She had one big fart.

She bit Lorne Green in an Alpo commercial.

Now, I don't want to call this girl a dog, but when she gets into the car, she

rides with her head out the window.

And he's even cheap about his clothes.

Yes, you do dress the worst.

He's the only guy I know who buys used jockey shorts.

From real jockeys.

He makes me keep all the couches. This is true. All the couches are covered in

plastic. Always looks like he's expecting rain.

Housewarming, yes.

Do you think I'm small -time?

That's where you're wrong, Sarabong.

I served the food at the housewarming, and right away, I knew which girl he was

after. She was the one wearing a sweater under her strapless gown.

Thank you very much, Mr. Kaplan.

Oh,

yes, the fine new comedian, Mr. Billy Crystal.

This is not

easy to do.

Well, usually the roasty is somebody interesting.

No, I mean, Gabe has the charisma of Earl Buck at an NAACP meeting.

No, it's interesting. I really don't understand why I'm here. I mean, Gabe is

show business what the Yankees were to the World Series.

I remember Gabe's family, of course. We were very close friends. He had a lovely

aunt who was 80 years old and really hip. She used to snort Maylock.

We, of course, do share one mutual friend, the heavyweight champion

Ali. And it was on this day last year that we both sat here and roasted him.

I asked the champ if he was going to come, and he said no.

And I said, would you like to say something about Gabe? And he looked at

said, everybody's talking about Gabe Kaplan. I'm roasting Gabe Kaplan.

I'm going to talk about Gabe.

Gabe Tablin's got the personality of Sonny Liston. He's ugly. I don't want to

talk about Gabe Tablin.

Oh, dear Lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, Shadow!

When

Bill

Martin asked me, to do this show about Gabriel Kaplan, I said, who the heck is

Gabriel Kaplan?

How can I say, welcome back, Cocker, when I never knew he went?

I really was his teacher of sex education in Brooklyn, that's true.

I think he didn't know nothing about nothing.

When he had the third class in my, the third lesson in my class, his hair was

straight.

At that time, I used to have accent.

Yes, you remember, I used to say yes instead of yes.

And all the time, you know, I see him very often in the studios, and all the

time he's singing, Everybody love some Kutsi Kutsi. My life.

It was very funny, but I didn't understand one word.

Red button.

There is something you should know.

There is something you should know. This man, this man who has been playing the

buffoon here this evening, has dedicated, has donated

his kidneys, his pancreas,

and his diseased liver to the Harvard Medical

School.

They are building... A bionic lush.

I do not know what I am doing here tonight because, frankly, I am jealous.

I am jealous of Gabe Kaplan.

Thirty years old and they're giving this man a dinner.

30 years old, the man hasn't even made one comeback yet.

30 years old, it's unbelievable. The man lives in Beverly Hills in a mansion

with an Italian marble staircase.

Dean Martin is an Italian. He hasn't got a marble staircase.

That's right, that's right.

He's got to fall down a plain staircase.

Why are we throwing this man a dinner?

Thirty years old, throwing a man a dinner?

This is the greatest display of nerves since Benedict Arnold applied for

veterans' benefits.

I'm one of the biggest people in the history of the world.

Never got a dinner.

Howard Hughes, whose last words were, I left the will in the...

Yay,

Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried.

They keep striking oil.

who said as he climbed up the side of the Empire State Building, find time for

an elevator strike.

Cat with the Titanic who set the room service. Who

sent for the ice?

The communist mayor of Rome.

and Italian Jacques Costeau who said

while 20 ,000 fathoms under the sea first I'll start with a shrimp cocktail

Attila Nahon who once said

sure I pillage it's a living never got a dinner George

Washington who once said to his father if I never tell a lie How can I get to

president?

Sophia Loren's new baby.

Who said to Sophia, is that all for me?

Gabe, a lot of your friends couldn't be here with you tonight, so they sent some

wires. Here are the wires, right here. I'm going to read them for you.

Put my glasses on.

Sorry, Mr. Griffon.

Italian boy.

Oh, Mike Griffon. Nice kid.

I have been an admirer. of yours ever since you were a little boy in Brooklyn.

know you don't remember me, but I would appreciate your sending me an autograph.

Signed, your mother.

How original of you to do a series about a schoolteacher's trouble with his

students. Signed, Lucas Tanner, Mr.

Novak, Karen Valentine, our Miss Brooks, and Mr.

Peepers.

Deeply resent your broad caricature of the American teenager and weird students

with crazy ethnic names signed Fonzie Fonzarelli.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Jimmy Walker.

Thank you, Dean, and thank you, Gabe.

I must say I'm happy to be here tonight with Gabriel Kaplan, but I must admit

I'd rather be home watching you on TV than at least I could turn you off.

Now, Dean's incredible. He finally got my name right, you know? All week long

he's been calling me Nipsey.

But I think Dean and Nipsey will make a great team called Nipsey and Tipsy.

Obviously, everybody here has seen Gabe's show, and we all realize that

not selfish on his show at all. He makes sure that everybody has a strong

character on that show, especially his wife.

She's got a big part.

Every week, she has the same line.

And then what did your uncle say, Gabe?

When I first heard Gabe was going to have a show about sweat hogs, I thought

had got jobs for all his old girlfriends.

I know a lot about Gabe because we started out together at the

Catcher Writing Store.

And he was always going to the library and taking out books and stuff like

Whenever I went to the library, I only took out the librarian.

And if I kept the librarian out over two weeks, they charged me two cents a day.

But it was worth it, y 'all.

Lots of people say that Gabe has his dull and has no personality at all and

lifeless and gets lost in the crowd.

I disagree with that 200%. And if he was here tonight, I would tell him.

dear, dear friend, wonderful actor, producer, director, anything you say,

Orson Welles.

In

the

world of pro -business, I think we must face it that our subject tonight is a

man

who is a figure of controversy.

I have here a poll, the results of a recent poll.

In the world of show business, 25 % of the comedians feel that Gabe Kaplan is

overrated as an actor, and 25 % of the actors feel that he is overrated as a

comedian, while the other half vote for none of the above.

I have something a little more personal.

Gabe Kaplan's old high school annual.

We've all had one of those. Remember back in the old days?

There's a place in the back for autographs where friends and teachers in

might write little sentiments.

Starts off with a prediction by his principal. Dear Gabe, you will go far.

Please start now.

one from your old science teacher, Igor.

It's easy enough to be pleasant when life is all carefree and chipper, but

man worthwhile is the man who can smile when his necktie is caught in his

zipper.

And finally, remember the river, remember the brook, remember the last

write in your book, sign Forest Lawn Mortuary.

P .S. Please keep in touch. We've seen your show and it's later than you think.

Our next guest is one of the fastest talkers in the business.

His tongue moves quicker than a hummingbird's wings.

And his brain is only slightly smaller.

Humble Howard Cosell.

Well, thank you very much, Dean.

Forgive me if I observe that in your last sentence, sir, you flourished a

dangling partisan.

Yeah, well, when you get older, that's the first thing that goes.

Uh... Gabe Jackson.

Young Gabriel.

Some kind of comic.

Discretion, Gabe, prevents me from saying what kind.

Under the circumstances, let's run down the stats on Kaplan G.

Obviously, a lightweight.

Appeared this season in 22 sitcoms for ABC, mainly as a designated klutz.

I'm here to prepare you for that fatal day when you'll have to earn an honest

living. Perhaps you've thought of broadcasting.

Well, I'll give you the benefit of a great man's experience.

These are my three personal rules for success games. First, never be

outspoken. I've never been outspoken by anyone.

Learn the game.

You shouldn't be up in the broadcast booth if you think a tight end is Abe

Vigoda's jockey shorts.

Oh, gracefully.

I don't try to wear hairstyles of 20 -year -old men, Gabe. I buy my slightly

gray hair at the temples.

Finally, be humble.

Never blow your own horn, even if your name is Gabriel.

This man is the most valuable player of the 1976 World Series. I think he'll be

the most valuable player ever.

Mr. Johnny Banks.

Thank you, Dizzy Dean.

Well, Dean really knows how to make a ballplayer feel right at home.

Ever since the show started, he's been out in left field.

Gabe grew up in the shadow of Ebbets Field.

That's where he learned his grammar from Casey Stengel, his good sportsmanship

from Leo DeRocher, and his quick wit from Yogi Berra.

Those Yankees fans are really dangerous. My two home runs, I had to run around

the base with a police dog.

Our first baseman, Perez, went over to catch a foul ball in the stands and was

kidnapped.

Gabe,

I know that the satisfaction you may have been rewarded, and I think you

have in playing with Amarillo and doing the things you did, have really reached

the minor leagues in comedy.

But there still is a big favorite of Pete Rose.

Really? Hell, really.

Pete's favorite shows are Welcome Back, Cotter, Howdy Doody, and Porky Pig.

And to honor our man of the hour tonight, we invited a bright young comic

has appeared with Gabe Kaplan in comedy workshops around the country.

You may have seen him on some talk shows. I guarantee you'll enjoy his

brand of humor. Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Bluescombe.

Ed Bluescombe.

As you know, Gabe is one of the best light guys in show business.

That's why he has to have unknowns like me on his roast.

Rumors that Dave socializes once a month. He helps Howard Cosell wax his

Many personalities are here from the sports world. Joe Garagiola is here.

Joe is one of the brightest men in the sports world.

I once asked Joe for his autograph, and he started signing the top of his head.

has probably done more than anyone to dispel the myth that baseball players

stupid.

That's why he's here tonight as an interpreter for Johnny Bench.

People only know Johnny Bench as a world series hero, a baseball star.

You have no idea what a cultured man this is.

I saw Johnny Bench one night at the opera.

I recognized him because he was wearing his catcher's mask.

It's a great honor to finally be working with Milton Berle.

For many years, Milton has said he was dying to work with me.

Until now, I haven't felt he was ready.

Jimmy Walker's here.

I've known Jimmy Walker since he was a poem writer for Nipsey Russell.

They keep Walker's show on the air by killing off characters.

They have already made the first episode for next year. First show next year,

Florida dies in an earthquake.

And the Evans family accuses the earth of racial discrimination.

You'll notice how the entire cast of Welcome Back, Cotter was dying to be

tonight.

Not a little fun at Gabe's expense, but I think he knows how I really feel about

him. That's why when Gabe asked me to be here tonight, he told me they were

roasting Frank Sinatra.

Since Gabe Kaplan plays the schoolteacher on Welcome Back, Carter,

we would surprise him by flying out his old grammar schoolteacher all the way

from Brooklyn.

Yeah, I'll go and do that. Here from PS -144 is Miss Gladys.

Just amazing.

Tonight, Gabe is being insulted by his betters, which is practically everybody.

I mean, it's all right to be dull, but to make a profession out of it is

absolutely absurd.

Take my word for it. He never learned the basics.

He didn't even know the letters of the alphabet.

I know the letters of the alphabet.

Oh, do you really? Well, let me hear them.

Somebody start me.

B.

C.

Go on.

There's more?

I'll give you something easier, Mr. Martin.

Spell cat.

Male or female?

Oh.

Well, it doesn't make any difference.

It does to the cat.

Good night. You were always good, your mother.

This is Joe Garagiola, well -known NBC sportscaster and former catcher for the

St. Louis Cardinals.

Joe was a little late tonight because he was out getting a flu shot, which is

ridiculous because in his whole baseball career, he never caught anything.

True,

it really is. And I'm glad to have a second career in broadcasting because I

sure didn't have a first career in baseball.

I want to tell you something, and you people won't believe this. When I was

playing, the club owners were anti -Italian. That's the truth.

1953, I hit a ground ball to the shortstop. While I was running the first

they traded me to the Cubs.

much better in the big leagues, but I had a couple of handicaps. My right

my left hand.

Anyway, I am happy to be here to honor Gabe Kaplan because he started at the

bottom and he's worked his way to the top.

Big deal. A gopher does the same thing, winds up in a hole.

He's attractive.

He's witty.

He's got a lot of girls on his strength, too.

I've seen some of them. They should be on a leash.

You know, I had go out with Gabriel, and his mustache remained me of my husband,

Javier Cugat's mustache.

They are both in the same place. You got it?

I love when she goes, coochie, coochie, coochie. What does that mean when she

goes, coochie, coochie, coochie?

Oh, that's Spanish for your place or mine.

a big league ball player but you really scored big on television and I

congratulate you. Thank you. Good night.

This evening wouldn't be complete without somebody to represent all the

teachers of America.

Here on behalf of the PTA and the National Educational Association is the

founder and president of our of stateside tech.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Professor Bradford Broccoli.

First of all, it's a great privilege

for you to have me here tonight.

Honoring my fellow educator, Mr. Gabe, uh, Kaplan.

So much for that.

I'm here to recruit Gabe's students and the rest of you to eat dummies.

Dean? Did you go to school on a scholarship?

No, I went to school on a bus.

What does he know about education?

To Dean, a junior high is a short drink before dinner.

The country has too many plumbers.

We don't need plumbers.

We need psychiatrists.

Why? I'll tell you why.

Because more heads are clobbed up than drained. That's why.

neat about it in my book.

How to swim inside a waterbed.

You may ask, and rightfully so, what about science?

We have a top science department.

They were the first to split the atom.

Unfortunately, they didn't know what it was.

So they glued it back together again.

Science lab is completely up to date.

Last year, we dissected so many frogs, we ran out of them.

So, we had to dissect Jack Cousteau.

Let's be serious for a while.

Hey, Dean. You want to participate in our commencement?

Exercises? You kidding? I can't even do push -ups.

Hey, Carol.

Why don't you take a class in animal... I can't even talk straight.

Husbandry. Why don't you take a class in animal husbandry? And I guarantee

you'll find your chihuahua a husband.

The football team had a great record last season, 4 -20.

Well, what do you expect from a team called the Blackbirds?

Just sorry, Kellogg. I told you that. Very funny man.

Ladies and gentlemen, Abe Doda.

I'm delighted to be here tonight to share in this tribute to Gabe Kaplan.

Millions of kids see him every week. His TV classroom has an amazing influence

on kids today.

Education is a serious business.

What can you do without an education?

What happens to the uneducated?

I'll tell you what happens to them. Just look around.

I have a granddaughter, little Kathy. She can't wait to go to school.

She watches your show, Abe, and I can't tell you how I feel when I hear her

singing, school days, school days, up your nose with a rubber hose, Dave.

You also have a nephew, and he thinks you are great.

You're a great teacher. He can't spell, he can't read, he can't write. Of

course, there's still hope.

He has two more years of college.

Jake Kaplan is breeding a new generation of kids who are not prepared for a

career, who are not prepared for anything.

Earl Butts has a better future, selling watermelon.

You know what? You know what your class needs? Needs a teacher who's tough.

You know, take somebody like General Patton or George C. Scott who played

General Patton.

That is, sweat hogs.

Well, I'll begin tomorrow at 0800 hours.

We will demonstrate our patriotism.

Now, you have a choice. Either sound off the Pledge of Allegiance, or I'll bang

your heads and make you see something patriotic like 50 stars.

Now, here's another tough guy that could really take over your class. Can you

see him standing there? John Wayne?

All right, pilgrims.

Let's get those desks in a circle.

Anybody can do a better teacher than you. How about welcome back Archie

Oh, jeez.

Oh, dear, the bell's rung, dear.

All right, stifle yourselves, dear.

Okay, who's the wise guy to chew that, dear, snowball, dear?

Hey, you know, I don't mind horsing around. Well, but the snowboard had a

Volkswagen in it.

Here he is, the one and only.

Thank goodness, Mr.

Milton Pearl.

Get a load. Will you get a load of who's on this dais?

Did you ever see so many stars auditioning for obscurity?

We're all here for one reason tonight.

Curiosity.

We would like to know how this guy, I've got to be the guest of honor.

This man is to comedy what Ernest Borgnine is to tap dancing.

It's always good to see Red Button, who has been a smash hit on every show but

his own.

I love you, Red. You've got a great delivery. Belongs on a truck.

I've always loved Red Button, especially on a blue blazer.

I was talking to Liz Torrey through her interpreters, and...

who comes from the capital of Puerto Rico, Manhattan.

And there's Johnny Bench, who looks wonderful, looks like an obscene Barbie

doll.

He was nervous, Bench. When he walked out on this day as tonight, he fainted.

You see, he's a catcher, and he's never seen anybody's face before.

You're a brilliant teacher.

One of the kids asked him, Gabe, what do you think of the abortion bill? And he

said, pay it.

When I watch your show, Gabe, I can tell what your whole class is going to be

when they graduate.

Senile.

Hey there, pal.

Let me give you some advice.

I have been performing in show business for a long time, man and boy.

And woman, right.

But they always, always called me, I was known as Mr. Tuesday Night.

And that's what my wife still calls me.

Do you know why I was called Mr. Tuesday Night?

Yeah, because people would say, what's the Monday night program?

What's the Wednesday night program?

But Mr.

Tuesday Night, right.

really want to make it in show business, you've got to do certain things.

Never laugh at another comic's jokes.

Remember them, but never laugh and develop a funny walk. And it's very

easy. Put on drip -dry shorts while they're still dripping.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's our man of the hour, a bright young comedian who

has given television viewers a lot of pleasure, Mr. Gabe Kaplan.

This is a magnificent day that you've assembled here tonight, Dean.

Could be a game show called Celebrity Has -Bens.

Not everybody on this day is a has -been. There's a lot of Never Wars, too.

Dean, it's nice of you. And all the jokes that were made about Dean's

tonight. And all those jokes aren't true because Dean has never missed a day of

work. He's missed weeks.

I saw Dean talking to Orson Welles backstage tonight, and Dean is going to

in Orson Welles' new picture, Citizen Wino.

I saw Dean the last time he was here at the Grand. He has a specialty number he

does in his act, puts a microphone to his stomach, and his liver croons. I got

right to sing the blues.

It is not that Dean drinks.

It's what he does when he drinks.

I mean, today asking Alice Ghostly to come to your room after the roast.

Alice, that was a very realistic portrayal of my old high school teacher.

She didn't shave her legs either.

Ed Bluestone.

Ed Bluestone does a lot of jokes about death, V, perversion.

I keep telling him, Ed, you've got to look beyond your own family.

And Billy Crystal.

Billy is more than a friend to me.

He's a total stranger.

I don't think you did too well tonight, Billy, because while you were on, Milton

Berle wasn't writing.

And Milton, Milton, Milton. Milton, it's okay to steal jokes, but not from the

captain and Sunil.

Actually, in Milton's heyday, he was the biggest TV star.

So what if he had to wear a dress?

He was known as the king of television and the queen of Hollywood Boulevard.

This man was making $15 ,000 a week and all the sailors he could pick up.

I'd like to thank Charlie Callis for coming here. Charlie's a man who turned

nervous stick into a career.

Actually, Charlie is here tonight because we wanted to make Jimmy Walker

attractive.

And Nipsey Russell is a great guy. Nipsey is a guy who'll never have to

about being caught in the dark. He can use his teeth as a flashlight.

Abe Pagoda.

I think we all should give a special thank you to Ava Goddard for sitting

for an hour and not going to the bathroom once.

Orson Welles.

Orson Welles. Who would have thought that the genius who made Citizen Kane

30 years later be sitting on The Tonight Show asking Ed McMahon to pick a card?

Johnny Bench.

My friend hit two home runs in the World Series against the Yankees.

Johnny, I have a message for you from the people in New York.

I'd like to thank Charo for coming here tonight. Charo was originally an

entertainer in the native of Spain. They used her as a blender.

George Kirby is a man who sings all right.

His impressions really aren't that great.

He dances pretty bad.

The best thing to say about George is he's consistent.

Howard Cosell was here tonight. Howard Cosell has just been named the poster

for swine flu.

I'd like to thank Jimmy Walker for being here.

Jimmy is known in show business as the black Q -tip.

I'll tell you what the other black entertainers in show business think

Jimmy. Sidney Poitier once offered him $100 ,000 to say he was an Indian.

Red Buttons.

Red Buttons. Red Buttons who never got a dinner!

Never got a dinner.

Actually, Red Buttons was the only act that was turned down by the gong show.

As I look over the stairs, I see three generations of comedians and comedy

actors and some of the veterans who were around before I was born and some of

the new guys who are going to be making people laugh for a long time, some guys

younger than me.

And I'm really excited that they would come here to do this tonight.

I'd like to thank the ladies, Charu, Alice Coastley, Liz Torres for coming,

friends from sports, Johnny Bench, Joe Gragiola, Howard Cosell, Mr. Austin

Wells, one of the great talents of our time. Thank you.

And it's just funny that a kid from Brooklyn could just

have an idea about the people he grew up with and have it turn into things like

this. So I'm really honored to be here tonight. And unfortunately, the guys

couldn't be here. They're taping another show.

Actually, they're out in the parking lot stealing hubcaps.

But I'd like to thank you all out there. Thank you, Dean.

Thank you.

Oh, God, ladies and gentlemen.