Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Robe, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person.

joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour,

Sinatra.

With tonight's guests, Ronald Reagan, Hugh Kelly,

Don Rickles, George Byrne, Don DeMarie, Red

Fox, Jimmy Stewart.

Cliff Wilson, Kelly Savalas, Jonathan Winters, Jack

Putman, Lawanda Page, Red Button, Milton Burrell,

Ernie Borgnine, Orson Welles, Rich Little, and your Roastmaster,

Gene Martin.

With tonight's man of the hour,

Frank Sinatra.

truly fortunate to be counted as one of Frank's friends. I'm pretty lucky.

Every night I get on my knees and pray. I pray that I can get off my knees.

Yeah, Frank's been a real pill.

Pow!

He helped me when I started singing in cafes.

And he helped me. Cafe.

He changed it to cafe.

All right.

Helped me with my recording and motion picture career.

And, Frank, thanks for your support.

Thanks for your support. I swear I'll wear it till the day I die.

This man's success.

This man's success.

Give you that earthquake.

This man's success should serve.

As an inspiration to every American boy,

Frank Sinatra was born in Hoboken, New Jersey, as an unwanted child, and now

he's wanted in five states, especially the state of New York.

As you know, New York City has been having its financial troubles.

Nobody knew Frank had lent money to New York until they found the Statue of

Liberty with her arms broken.

only childhood.

When Frank was eight, his father took him aside and he left him there.

In high school, Frank never participated in extracurricular activities like

nature study, paintings, or ceramics.

Frank's hobby was a most interesting one.

He was an amateur gynecologist. Wait a minute.

of high school, he decided to become a boxer.

He fought 26 fights.

Half of them were with the cops and the other half with the photographers.

That's true.

Tommy Dorsey and his orchestra was playing a nightclub and Frank auditioned

him. Tommy was really impressed the way Frank attacked those high notes. And for

an encore, Frank attacked the cocktail waitress.

Sextured and Frank I once played One of his albums Albums Albums Albums

And he got My record player Pregnant

He's the only guy I know Who wears A medic alert bracelet On

his wrist Which reads I'm a sex symbol In case of an emergency Give me a girl

our first guest.

Well, I just want to say that there's no doubt that when Frank retires, they'll

hang his zipper in the Hall of Fame.

Now, George Burns is truly one of the great comedians. He's going to be 81

old over here.

for the last three months. He's been saving up his breath to blow out the

candles.

They're going to put him on his birthday cake and he's going to come up and blow

them out and here he is, old sugar throat himself, Mr. George.

You know, Dane,

My sister Goldie is one of your biggest fans.

When I told her this, I phoned her this afternoon. I told her I was dressing

right next door to you.

There was a little hole in the dressing room between us.

And she told me to look through the hole and tell her exactly what you look

like.

And Goldie got all excited.

She says, please look through the hole. And I did.

And she's now a Frank Sinatra fan.

We have to do the right business.

So is Tony Bennett and Perry Como and Andy Williams.

All us great singers.

We've got it made.

You see, when you're a singer, you don't have to worry about getting laughs.

See, nobody's laughing. I'm not worried.

I walked out on the stage, the girls screamed.

And there we have something in common.

I get the same thing from the nurses when I go in for a checkup.

The morning after taking a shower, I took a look at myself in the mirror.

And I found out it takes very little to make a nurse scream.

By the way, Dean, did you ever make the girls scream?

Well, you ought to know. You peeked through the hole.

I don't know whether you've noticed it, but as singers, Frank and I are very

much alike.

It's not that we phrase the same way, and it's not that we sing in the same

And we said you don't have the same range.

But there's one thing we have in common.

We both open our mouths when we sing.

Come to think of it, we have another thing in common. We both make records.

He sells his.

I buy his.

And the record she makes is so sexy.

My secretary, Trixie Hicks, she buys every one of them.

And they're so sexy, every time she plays a record, she's got to throw a

of cold water on herself.

You ever try to dictate a letter with a wet secretary sitting on your lap?

It's exciting.

No wonder that women still idolize Frank Sinatra.

Now that he's older, he's really a good -looking guy.

It takes a long time to get to be good -looking.

As I said, when a place got up here, a singer doesn't have to get a lash.

And when you're an 81 -year -old singer, you don't have to have a finish.

My next

guest is the

distinguished former governor of the state of California.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Honorable Ronald Reagan.

Thank you, Dean. I'm pleased to be here tonight, honoring my very dear friend,

Frank Sinatra.

I must say that when this program was being planned, the producer hadn't

what political figures would participate.

It was a choice between me and Governor Brown.

And I lost again.

Seriously, this is Frank Sinatra's night, and I'm here out of gratitude.

Frank worked for me in all my campaigns.

He was with me all the way to the governor's mansion.

Without his help, who knows?

I might have been president.

It's my considered opinion that the two gentlemen who flagged me...

would make quite a political ticket.

Frank is president.

Dean is his crawling mate.

Why would Frank Sinatra make a good president?

Well, let's look at the facts.

He has many friends, and I'm sure he'd appoint only the most qualified to his

cabinet. Who better than Sammy Davis, Jr., as Secretary of Health, Education,

and Jewelry?

Of course, in politics, there's always gossip and ugly rumors.

I'm happy to expose one for the falsehood that it is.

He has not granted a Pizza Hut franchise at Camp David.

It'll be in the White House, where it belongs.

Frank Sinatra will make a president who is strong on defense, but again will

have concern for humanity.

Scientists at his urging have developed an intercontinental ballistics missile

that is not a weapon of mass destruction.

It only hits photographers.

I asked him what he thought of the energy bill. He didn't hesitate a

said, pay it.

Frank is innovative.

His mind is always working.

But he's also willing to admit when he's wrong.

I... wanting a comic like Pat Henry to open for him when he addresses the joint

session of Congress.

And he realized, speak to Congress, the real comics are in the audience.

He won't have any trouble with Congress. They'll pass all the legislation he

sends over just to get his autograph.

And he'll settle that canal business, too.

Animal wants a canal?

He'll give them Venice.

You've probably gathered by now I think Frank Sinatra would make a fine

president.

But I don't know whether we can get him to run.

Is it worth it if you have to give up being a king?

what he really liked. Well, nobody is closer to Frank than our next guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Frank's personal chef, Mr.

Dominic Pandoroni.

Thank you very much. Hello, Frank. Hello. Nice to see you. It's nice to see

too. Thank you so much for telling people that I am the best cook in the

because it's true.

Ladies and gentlemen, a prune.

Please breathe on the prune.

Stewed prune.

The first time I met Mr.

Sinatra, he came into my restaurant. He had linguine, masaccioli, and cannoli.

Three of the biggest brawls you ever saw in your life.

You know, when he's down, he likes, he says, I want fresh tomatoes.

I want fresh tomatoes.

So I gave him a beautiful waitress with a filthy mouth.

By the way, I just want you to know that I have written a pizza cookbook. It's

400 pages.

The first 300 pages are napkins.

Quotations, and one of the best quotations is from Julia Child, who once

a turkey that she was nothing. You're embarrassed.

How do you think I feel?

Oh, and Frank is a great athlete. Very few people know that. He is one of the

greatest swimmers in the whole world. It is true.

And you know that Frank should be very grateful to the press, because it was

press who taught him the Australian crawl.

way with Frank. A long way. A long time I go back on him.

This far back.

In fact, if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be the king he is today.

Remember when the girls were swooning and fainting? I'm responsible for that.

Yes, at the Paramount. They used to scream and faint.

I used to give him, before he went on, a meatball sandwich with a lot of garlic.

And he would sing, night and day, you are the one.

strangers in the night he was just coming to the end and I took a spoonful

hot pasta basil with a little bit of pepper and he opened his mouth I stuck

in his mouth he went oh scooby dooby doo and every tiny thing

is connected to me you know when he sings in that part I chewed it

This album, as you can see, is probably the most popular one Frank's ever taken.

Everybody remembers Frank alone at night, standing under a lamp post

and holding a raincoat.

I didn't even see this yet. Could I take a look at this?

That's a lamp post. Yeah, that's a lamp post.

near this lamp. If I was seeing this, I could have told you the whole thing. And

the photographer was all set when Frank said, you know something?

The lamppost, the suit, and the hat, that's nice, but something is missing.

I don't know what, but it needs another touch.

Something, I don't know. He said, it's foggy, misty, and at that moment, some

fellow was walking by in a raincoat.

And Frank pointed at the guy and said, that's it, the raincoat.

Now, this guy with the raincoat was a nice fellow and I wanted to thank him

this picture.

He's in the audience tonight as Frank's invited guest.

And we'd like him to stand up and take a bow from the L .A. Police Force

Homicide Division, Lieutenant Columbo.

Remembered me after all these years.

This is, I'm flabbergasted. I mean, I'm just flabbergasted.

I thought that the, you know, the album came out good. You know, I like the

picture. And, you know, the ring coat never looked better.

I know you've got other speakers, so I'm not going to take a lot of time. I

wouldn't do that, you know.

No, I wouldn't do that.

I want to tell you it was a beautiful introduction speech.

Thank you for the introduction.

One quick question, if you don't mind.

Those shoes, they're not rentable.

No,

I feel a little self -conscious.

being here because I'm not dressed.

But, well, I knew it was a big affair.

But I didn't know that I was going to be brought up here.

And if I had known, well, I don't know what I would have done because this is

all I got.

You know, when I got the invitation,

I was at home.

I was about, oh, 5 o 'clock in the afternoon.

You know that they come in the form of a telegram.

They don't come in a regular mail.

No, they send you a wire.

And I counted the words.

63 words. You can imagine what that cost.

I don't know if you know that.

Oh, here it is. I got it right here with me.

This is the way you get invited here to this.

Now, uh...

This is not a night letter. This is a regular television.

But this is not the original.

This is a Xerox. I wouldn't bring the original.

You could lose that now.

The original, my wife, she took that right away to the bank and she put that

the safety deposit box.

Until we could get the good frame, you know. Then it goes right up there on the

wall next to the album cover, you know.

We'll get that frame.

Let's see now.

Excuse me one moment, sir.

Are you through with that cocktail napkin there?

No, I'm in. Thank you very much.

If you don't mind, sir.

You know, I figure you do it now and you get it done. That's all.

Uh, just take it. Just take it.

Now, put... No, sir, if you don't mind, would you put two Lieutenant Colombo...

Frank Sinatra. That's all. That's good.

That's good enough. You don't have to write out Lieutenant. L -T period. I put

-T already.

Could you put to the Mrs.? Lieutenant Colombo and Mrs. Colombo.

And Mrs. Colombo. Frank Sinatra. Good luck. You sure that's all you want?

it? Yeah, that's it.

Can I say love?

Love? Love? Say love. Yeah.

All right.

Could you put the missus first?

The missus. The missus.

Colombo. Colombo.

And the lieutenant.

Got you.

What happened there? When this invitation came, you know, the family,

crazy.

One said, ask them this, and the other said, ask them that.

Well, you know, on my wife's side, you know, they know about show business

there. Oh, yes.

Like Dominic.

Well, he's from Hoboken, like you were. Oh, yeah? Not that he knew you. He

didn't know you. Oh.

But he knows show business. He knows Broadway.

Well, he sold Bible supplies in the Times Square area.

This is his home, I guess.

just glows in the dark.

Well, anyway.

Anyway, he married this girl Teresa. She's also from Hoboken.

And when you, Frank, you know, when you were in those days when you were singing

at the Paramount, she worked in the Orange Julius there in the corner. She

hostess there, you know, showed people to their stools.

So this is what they wanted me to ask you. Now, remember, this is them asking,

not me. I'm out of this.

What they claim, they claim a few years ago when you

retired was because your voice, you got a little tired.

See, they claim now that when you make a record, that Jerry Bale does the

singing for you.

Let me give you this. This is from my wife.

Lasagna.

You know, it's all fresh tomatoes, and she made the pasta herself, and I hope

you enjoy it.

Thank you very much. You're very welcome.

Listen, don't bother washing out the pot, because that's Teflon.

She used the steel wool that scratches the bottom.

You could rinse it out with water when you're done.

And there's an address in there, then you just drop it in any mailbox.

I have to return the gentleman's pen.

Borrow the pen.

I borrowed the pen. That's right. Thank you very much.

Art's delicatessen.

Do we dance?

Oh, that's a wonderful place.

Do you want to keep the pen?

Huh? Oh, that would be lovely. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Did you ever get a chance to go into the arts? I don't know. They got there an

early bird dinner.

You get there, if you get there before five, you know, you get the main course,

the choice, the soup and salad and the beverage, the dollar money.

This is, I want to ask you a last question.

This is very hard to ask.

But you know, my wife went crazy when she got the invitation. Oh, you need a

of nerve to ask this, I don't know.

You know, my wife is watching, you know.

And I don't even know if you're permitted to do this.

Well, you see, in my family, we get together every month. We all sing.

And, you know, I'm the worst singer, and you're the greatest singer, and they're

all out there watching. Would it be possible?

Not a whole song. Just a... Not a whole song.

Bye -bye, plant bird something.

citizens in Hollywood. A fine gentleman.

A magnificent actor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jimmy Stewart.

Thank you,

Dean. It's always nice to be invited to one of these roasts because it means

that I'm able to see you, Dean.

Now, I just hope that in your condition you'll be able to see me.

I'm awful glad to be here tonight because for a long time I've wanted to

little incident involving Frank and a Western movie he made two years back. Of

course, I feel sort of qualified to talk about Westerns because I've made my

share. As a matter of fact, at one point in my career, I was making so many

Westerns, I was the only actor in Beverly Hills who had a saddle on my

When we do those westerns, we usually go out on location to one of those small

towns way out in cattle country.

I remember on one occasion we went out to a little place in Utah to make a

picture, and we thought the good citizens would be thrilled to have us

people talking and rubbing shoulders with them.

As a matter of fact, they hated the whole thing.

And later on, I found why.

It seems that a Western had already been made a few years earlier.

Something called Sergeant Three, starring you, Frank, and the

rest of the guys you used to call the Rat Pack.

Now, this little town in Utah used to be a very quiet and decent little town.

In fact...

It was so moral, they didn't even have a town drunk.

The men of the town had to take turns.

You know what I mean. It was a sleepy little western town where the big

excitement was watching the sun set about 5 .30 or so.

But that's before Frank and the guys all got there and started throwing wild

parties. After that, the sun began setting later and later, 10 .30, 11 .30,

midnight.

You know, the sun was no dummy. It didn't want to miss any of the action

A couple of times it didn't set at all.

It just stayed up all night and tried to fool around with the moon.

Yeah, Frank, you...

You and your rat pack did a lot of wild things making that movie.

And when I met the mayor, he told me that he was willing to overlook all

beds you took out of the hotel and the statue from the front of the library.

But there's one thing he still can't overlook.

He sure wishes you guys would put back the library.

You know, Frank...

To this day, your exploits are talked about in uptown.

They've become kind of a legend.

And every night at the saloon, the bartender gets up on the bar and recites

epic poem. It's much like the face in the barroom floor or the shooting of Dan

McGrew.

And about your guys. And I'd like to read the poem, if you don't mind.

And it goes like this.

Frank and the boys came into our town, but not to do riding and roping.

These sergeants three soon went on a spree, and they started in grabbing and

groping.

They made the girls swoon at the Long Branch Saloon, where each sang a love

so pretty, that one by one, when their song was done, they tried to make out

with Miss Kitty.

bought some grain at a feed store because he had just heard the news that

let the grain stay out in the rain, it would turn into next year's booze.

Yes, our little town was turned upside down when Frank and his clan did their

thing. Now the cows, they don't move. They go scooby -dooby -doo.

And the school bell goes ring -a -ding -a -ding.

sisters up here on the dais.

They're all doing quite well, even the one to Paige with her big mouth.

Red Fox is doing great.

He held out for a window in his dressing room, and he got the window, but he

can't find a woman to come in and clean it.

Sammy Davis found out our people are doing so well, he's trying to pass for

black.

because it was he who got me in the show business.

When Frank played the Paramount in New York, I was an usher.

And he was such a smash hit, the girls got excited and threw everything up on

the stage.

Their stockings, high -heeled shoes, blouses, girdles, panties.

After everyone left, I climbed up on the stage, picked up all that stuff, and

that's how Geraldine was born.

Frank Sinatra as well as anyone.

She's the original president of the first Frank Sinatra fan club ever

Please welcome Mrs. Gladys Hornsby.

There ain't no hope.

Please hold it down.

The shame and humiliation I've spared this man.

Over the years, I've lived with pain, scars, and secrets.

But tonight, tonight you'll learn the truth about Frank Sinatra.

eating a hot dog.

Oh, you look so thin and tan.

That's the hot dog!

I really look beautiful for Frankie's opening, girls. I spent so much time on

makeup. I didn't have time to shave my legs, so I put them up in curlers.

can you say about Milton Berle anybody who says he isn't funny he's seen

his act ladies and gentlemen a man who

has made a major contribution to the world of comedy Mr. Milton Berle

Dean, thank you. Of all my introductions, that was the most recent.

But it's a great pleasure, ladies and gentlemen.

Hi, Frank.

Hi, Bill. Enjoy yourself.

Hit somebody.

And by the way, I forgot to announce, all of Frank's pals couldn't be here

tonight. Half of them couldn't find time and the other half are doing it.

There's Red Fox.

Red Fox, old blue eyes say hello to old blue jokes.

Say hello to Fox. Isn't he beautiful?

His grandfather picked cotton and it went to Red's head.

my friend, Flip Wilson.

Flip recently went to Africa to search for his roots, and he traced his family

all the way back to Detroit.

Now, let's get back to our guest of honor, this gentleman here, this aging

Anka.

Frank, I am really glad that you came out of retirement.

Too bad your voice didn't join you.

Remember, when you could really hit those high notes, one day Sinatra was

singing at home, hit a high C and spayed the dog.

I'm sorry, Flip, I shouldn't have said spayed.

The day this man cuts a record right away, it's a hit.

Remember, I did it my way.

I tried it his way and I was in traction for three weeks.

I love you. Today, Frank's enough as the king.

Today, he speaks to God, not in prayer, but on a one -to -one basis.

This man calls dial a prayer to see if he got any messages.

And I understand, I don't know if this is the truth, but I understand.

understand that frank is going to rome he's going to speak to the pope he wants

the pope to make him a cardinal and that way we'll only have to kiss his rings

little surprise for you and even a bigger surprise for our guest of honor,

Sinatra's ex -bodyguard, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Carlo Cappuccino.

Say hi.

I can say hello from a frank strength.

It took me five years just to find his body.

You should have

seen the

way he looked then.

He looked like he was given the kiss of death.

And it was really tough.

You could walk ten blocks and never leave the scene of a crime.

Seriously, though.

I really had a tough job keeping up with this man.

One day he's in England.

Next day he's in France.

Then he's in Germany.

I can't tell you how many times I found him abroad.

from this Italian sex pot.

And some of these women are wild.

One of them broke into his room and threatened him.

In order to protect myself, I threw myself on her body.

General Mr.

Red. What?

Arbino.

Arbino, whatever you're sucking up tonight.

This must be the roast to end all roasts. Because as I look around the

see a lot of heavyweight hunkies.

That's right, with the exception of Flip Wilson, Wanda Page, and myself.

I haven't seen this much white meat since my Thanksgiving turkey exploded.

But I'm happy to be here tonight to honor Fright because this man, like me,

up in the toughest part of show business.

The trenches.

The battlefield. In other words, the nightclubs.

And remember those who knew Frank?

They always had the same lineup of girls singing to leading the tap dance and

the juggler.

The juggler was the guy who kept the books.

Frank was even tougher for me. At least he worked in the fancy nightclubs in Las

Vegas with Dean, Joey, Sammy, and the rest of the guys.

I had to play small clubs in Mississippi.

While he was singing and dancing with the Klan, I was running from it.

There was a time long ago when Frank and I both played Atlantic City.

But what a difference, Frank.

What a difference.

What a band.

Frank was at the 500 Club on the main drag and I was at the Club Harlem, which

naturally was in the black, in the back of the beach.

Now, in that part of Atlantic City, if anything white came in, it was a shark.

We had a big ring and a black suit. It was a lone shark.

Frank, a lot of nice things are being said about you tonight, but if I had to

say one thing, and it's this.

I think a guy who's outspoken, and that's you, baby, that's you.

You say what's on your mind, you say what's in your heart, and you don't give

damn about consequences.

And because of that, here's the best compliment that I can give you. As far

I'm concerned, you are the white Andrew Young.

good buddy, Mr.

Gene Kelly.

Thank you, Gene. It's a great pleasure for me to be here to honor Frank Sinatra

because we've been friends for, well, no, I won't say how long, but for quite

long time.

We both came to the coast in the early 40s, and each of us were filled with

and ambition, and we started out together in that fabulous factory of

fantasy, Metro -Goldwyn -Mayer Studios.

Of course, at that time, Hollywood wasn't as built up as it is nowadays.

For instance, Hollywood Boulevard, which today has an entire sidewalk of stars,

had only one star on the pavement.

Be mine.

It was this celebrated era that Frank and I made our first MGM musical,

Anchors Away.

There were many musical numbers in Anchors Away which required Frank to do

of dancing. Now, Frank never danced before. That's true, he never danced

and he needed plenty of rehearsal.

And I must tell you really truly now that he trained for that film like a

fighter going into the ring. And he turned into a hell of a dancer.

What a time we had tonight.

What a day!

It turned out to be good, and the studio executives liked it so much, they

wanted us to play sailors again in a film called On the Town.

So we re -enlisted.

By that time, we'd become really good friends.

He was a special kind of guy and very generous.

If you admired his tie, he'd send you a tie just like it.

If you said, I like your suit, Frank would send you a suit.

If you said, I like your girl...

He sent over two guys named Carmine and Nunzio.

Well, here we are in white uniforms.

and women are all in silken satin. So the fellas say, there's just one thing

necessary in Manhattan when you've got just one day. Gotta pick up a date,

seven or eight on your way in just one day.

New York, New York, a wonderful town. The rocket is up and the battery's down.

The people ride all on the ground. New York, New York.

I'll tell you, Dean, in the act of these movies, we got a little tired of

playing sailors.

So we asked the studio to take us out of uniform.

And they did.

They put us into take -me -out -to -the -ball game.

And we wore baseball uniforms.

And I'll tell you, Frank, being a swinger, it was pretty tough.

Convincing him that baseball was the great American pastime.

No, I think maybe taking out of the ball game was our favorite, right?

One thing more.

You know, in that last TV special we did together, you sang and I danced to a

tune called Nice and Easy. And I bring that up now because as I try to sum up

our relationship over the years, that seems to say it.

Nice and easy.

And for that, this battered old Irish hoofer.

It says thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Kojak, Mr.

Ellis Ballard.

It's the most exciting I think that's ever happened in Nevada.

No Italian has ever received such distinction.

As a matter of fact, in your honor, all the pizza parlors in Las Vegas are

closed forever.

Frank is busy writing his autobiography, and the reason I'm here tonight, I do

admit there is an ulterior motive.

He's making a major motion picture on his life.

He's already purchased the right, this major motion picture company.

And I must say, I would love to play the part of Frank Sinatra in that film.

Why not?

I mean, if I made the story of Frank's life, I could do everything Frank does,

with one exception.

After the stories I've heard here tonight, I'd need a stuntman for all the

scenes.

You may be wondering why Frankie doesn't pay the lead in his own film. Okay.

Frank doesn't get along well with photographers.

His first picture for MGM was Anchors Away.

He had a love scene with Catherine Grayson. He slugged the camera in for

to take his picture.

I'm not going to give a thought.

We know that nepotism runs rampant in our business.

We know that when you run out of relatives, you take care of your Italian

friends first.

So what chance does a little Greek boy have in the streets of New York?

I happen to know they're considering your buddy Dino for the role.

Last night at the bar, he took one of the chorus girls up to his room, and one

minute later, he was back.

I asked him what happened.

He said, I did it Frank's way.

a lovely lady, wonderful and warm person, Miss Loana Page.

Thank you for listening, Wino.

I saw you in the casino last night.

Man, you were so smart.

You took a slot machine by the arm and tried to smooth -talk it into coming up

to your room.

That's all you've been winding up with lately.

Lemons.

Don't start pulling on my skirt either with them hot, honky hands.

jockey shorts that half made.

Get a load of this dick.

Look at all these white faces couldn't make a lady snowman.

What you laughing at, Milton Byrne?

With those buck teeth, you look like a chipmunk in heat.

the Pillsbury Doughboy with the moose.

Don't you start nothing, George Burns, you old geezer.

Honey, he's so antique, he keeps his waterbed filled with geratons.

Look at Don Rickles and tell us about his laughing.

Lucky you and Kodak didn't sit next to each other.

The NBC censor would have made you two bald as the way of Brazil on your head.

What you laugh about, Ruth Buffett, you ain't exactly a sex

symbol, honey.

You could stroll naked through a camp of lonely lumberjacks and all you'd pick

up would be splinters.

Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra.

You've always been posing and strutting.

You're supposed to be a big man.

Well, let me tell you something, turkey.

Honey, we'll chamberlain to slam dunk you and still have room to palm a

watermelon.

in the fourth court of the Chinese theater.

So what's the big deal?

Everybody figured someday you'd wind up in cement.

None of us will ever forget Frank's Oscar -winning performance as the tragic

little soldier Maggio in that immortal movie From Here to Eternity. Well, we

have a big surprise for you, Frank, because with us tonight is that brutal,

sadistic boss of the stockade who made your life so miserable.

Fatso!

means you too, booze baby.

I know you weren't with us in Hawaii on December the 7th, but anyway, you look

like you were bombed before Pearl Harbor.

We meet again, Aunt Lasham.

Sit up straight.

Yes, sir.

Sit down.

Shelter's back sucking your gut.

Oh, my God.

You know, Marshal, I hated you from the very first day that you walked into

Schofield Barracks.

You were pale, pasty, you were skinny.

I looked at you and said to myself, the Army must be desperate.

They're drafting linguine.

Just having you in the platoon was embarrassing. to every man in it.

On a day when General MacArthur left the Philippines and said his immortal

words, I shall return, I shall return.

How you made us cringe when you yelled, when you do, bring booze and broads.

Yeah, Marshall, those were the good old days.

But if I ever had to do a job on you again, it'd be all different, boy.

No more punching or kicking. Nah, none of that.

I got a torture that's even worse.

The day I throw you in a stockade, lock you in solitary for 24 straight hours,

I'd make you listen to nothing but Donnie and Marie records.

Longer than most, I respond with some trepidation to this opportunity to speak

of history's first finger -snapping pope.

It began, you know, in the bad old days when I was on the radio playing The

Shadow, and Frank was at the Paramount looking like The Shadow.

The Shadow said, Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Believe me, Frank knew.

Only a few seasons ago, you'll remember that he announced his retirement.

A sad day.

Every motel in America flew its sheets at half -mast.

I guess I'm here for reasons of seniority. As for the other speakers,

well, there's certainly a lot of them.

Ex -governors and secretaries of states, a tantalumalian grab bag of distressed

comedians, and a bald -headed Greek tragedian whose chief claim to fame is

he gave new life to the lollipop.

You know, I've made a little documentary film for this occasion, but I see there

won't be much time. My subject was Frank's home, the royal residence in

Springs.

I opened the film with the palace gates bearing as it does the family coat of

arms. It depicts the entire Sinatra family pushing Wayne Newton into the

Of Sinatra, the humanitarian, philanthropist, what can I say?

He's in doubt some fascinating scientific research. The new birth

device, for instance, so much surer than the pill.

At bedtime, the couple is shown a print of Frank's movie, The Kissing Bandit.

This renders reproduction of our species impossible.

Since it's difficult to make love when you're fast asleep.

Now, in closing, I'd like to speak as an Italian.

And I am an Italian, the hard way by marriage.

And while I can't claim to have risen to those loftier circles of high society

where the bent nose and a slight color flowering of the ear are signs of chic,

what I have learned is that with all Italians, there's some questions...

It's healthier not to ask.

Certain things are, shall we say, arranged.

Thus, I do not know, and I don't want to know, how in the world it came to be

that when my daughter was brought to the fount to be baptized, it was Don

Francisco here, who was, you should excuse the expression,

The Godfather.

Now, this isn't a joke. Who would joke about a thing like that? My own

who's sitting right out there, really is Sinatra's godchild. Believe me, if it

were otherwise, I would have been a lot sassier tonight.

Whatever I've been saying here, Don Francisco, it's strictly in front.

And actually, with a godfather like that, you watch your lip.

Well, now, Mr. Red Button, please.

surrounded by Italian singers.

Have you noticed, folks, our business? Most of the singers are Italians.

Most of the comedians are Jewish, which is ridiculous.

There's very little difference between the Jews and the Italians. One year of

high school.

The man himself, Francis Albert Sinatra.

Singer, swinger, actor, director, producer, businessman, tycoon.

And on the seventh day, he rested.

I think it was Billy Graham who once said about this man, there for the grace

me goes God.

Yes, my friends, why? Why are we giving this man?

Why are we giving this man a dinner when some of the greatest Italians in the

history of the world never got a dinner?

Sophia Loren's new baby. Who said to Sophia, is that all for me?

Christopher Columbus.

You said the Queen Isabella. I keep telling you the world is round. You're

one who's flat.

Never got a dinner.

Patricia Borgia, who said that she was silent dreams. Boys, name your poison.

Martin, who said to Yogi Berra, repeat after me.

Ball, B -A -L -L.

Bat, B -A -D.

Glove, J -L -O -V -E.

Julius Caesar, who said he's being stabbed by Brutus.

Well, I guess you know you just blew the Christmas bonus.

He never got it, did he?

Marco Polo.

Marco Polo said to his wife, hey, are you crazy?

I just traveled 10 ,000 miles from China to bring this spaghetti. You want me to

go back for the meatballs?

as to Milo, who said to Colonel Sanders, that sure is finger -licking good.

Romeo, who said to Juliet, for a better romance, get off the balcony and get on

the pill.

Never got again.

First baseman Joe Torre, who was too chicken to play catcher because he said,

who wants to be known?

as chicken cacciatore.

I admire a guy like Frank.

He's a self -made man.

All his life, Frank did what he wanted to do, and he did it his way.

Of course, he had to check it out with the boys first.

The boys.

Why do they call them the boys? Do you ever see any of the boys?

Tough -looking guys. I saw one guy who could make a fist with his nose.

He had a beautiful home in Palm Springs.

He often plays golf with, like, Burt Lance.

Of course, he won't let him keep score.

Remember when he won the Oscar for From Here to Eternity? That was a terrific

performance. And then much, much later, he retired.

He said he wanted to spend more time with his friends.

When they found out he was out of work, he didn't have any friends left.

I want to say, one moment, I did one picture with Frank.

the detective, which was one of the most memorable moments in my career. I love

him for tonight, being in here, betting, and I love him for that picture, and

thank you all.

Our next guest is not a member

of the theatrical profession.

He has been closely linked to Frank in the past.

He is the man that drove...

the bus when Frank went from city to city on his concert tours.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Alwood Suggins.

I put on more than you did. I remember when I could grab you, clear around the

bone in your body.

Went from here to whatever that bone was.

Well,

I did drive Frank.

I called him just Frank. A lot of guys would say Frank Francis Albert.

I just called him Frank, right?

a man here. What's him?

I know who you are. I've seen you on TV, Mr. Martin.

I know how close you guys are all the time, flying around in a crop duster.

At any rate, I did.

I didn't prepare nothing. I just, all these people and show business and

everything.

The only people that I've ever seen was Frank here.

I did see Helen Forrest one time, sitting alone in a diner in Boise.

I remember Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey always

calling him Mr.

D and Mr. D, and Frank called him things, boy, and I tell you, and

He gave me salutes I've never seen.

In those days, I was just driving him and instruments.

And we had over 75 horns.

In fact, in the back, I've seen Frank with his face up to the window like this

with all kinds of saxes crowding him.

He'd have little booze, and I'd have something my brother made.

He's Catholic, as you know, and I'm non -denominational.

I don't want to offend anybody.

But what kept him going is still this. His fingers alone were good. That man

has fingers on these two fingers. I'm talking about that. That's a thumb.

That made his career. I don't care what they tell you at the Paramount or any

place else. This man did this on the fly.

is good to me.

He'd give me five or ten when we hit a major town.

You don't need no money here in Plainfield. There's none there.

He fixed me up with girls. One girl didn't have but one good eye. The other

was shriveled.

My boy, he said, look at the rest of the machinery.

He did a thing I just wanted to leave you with one thing which I think is just

little segment of humor and a picture of what a beautiful man this is and why

this dinner, which it's probably never going to be served. I have seen no food

at all.

I have seen no food.

I haven't seen a salad. Usually you just get something.

I guess it's all they're going to hit us real quick.

That'll be the time to do it. Frank is in.

Yeah, right now.

But what we did, this is the last thing I want to say and then I get off.

Frank, I love you.

Boots you got on there. They're up there here and he's got a knife in one there

on the right.

I'm just as scared, Frank, and I drive Route 55.

I've got a military boy, K -Bar, on me. I got a guy the other day, boy, just

stuck him against a sheet of aluminum.

I'm not proud of that, but I had to.

I hate violence, but if it comes my way, I love it.

That's the reason I've never joined any one religion. I just, you know, I never

would have killed a man or grabbed him and kissed him.

We was coming out of St. Louis, and the Dorseys, they was always, one of them

had a Cadillac and the other one was a Zuttenberg.

And they had chauffeurs. They'd change off all denominations.

And Frank and me was in the instrument bus, all the instruments in there.

And Frank had purchased a dog. He was the only time I'd ever seen him really

bombed and really just where he was out of it completely.

And he was using his hands a lot like his, hadn't closed his fingers. And he

said, I got a little dog here. And he put it in a paper bag. It was a black

white dog. It had a little spot up here and his tail was black and the rest of

it was white.

And he said, let's put the dog on the hood instead of that regular thing.

So we pulled off Route 59,

I believe it was. A lot of times we'd get off the road and just stay off the

road.

Most of the people going by anyway, you know, brothers would go by first and

there'd be enough snow on you, you couldn't see for an hour.

Musicians would be just walking down the highway like this. Yeah, yeah.

They were the strangest people I ever knew in my life.

Frank was all right. He knew where he was all the time.

I've seen 37 of them stand up one time and a major benefit, and there was no

instruments in their hands.

People are like this. Why? Why?

And Frank was that old black man.

He was a big deal of things.

But this dog was up on the hood, and it would come back and forth on the hood.

He said to me, he said, Elwood, tie the dog down. And I said, well, it'll make

the dog mad. And I said, it's snowing.

It snowed. It set in a lot heavy.

And the dog, we was doing good. We was doing about 80. In those days, you could

do 80.

And we just had all the money out the windows. And the guys would grab it in

motorcycle and go on basket.

So Frank had a lot of jewelry, too, a lot of times in his hands. He'd just

them some quick ice, you know, in the air.

But at any rate, the dog come back and got caught into the wipers.

Yeah, I know.

I know how animal people are because that's the way I was. And we

went on into Boise that night.

That dog is still going.

You know, thank God to think that Frank and I just let that happen because it

kept the dog from freezing to death.

All the things that Frank does for people. He does a lot for animals

that's always eating him alive by that dog.

He puts the dog back into the bag. He was just as hard man as a carp.

God love you, Frank.

Old Blue Eyes is back again. I hope him Blue Eyes is always back.

I wish I had more something to give you. I had something, but I was rolled.

He's Bogart. He's Wayne.

He's everybody but actually Mr.

Rich Little.

I don't believe this. My whole act alive and well and living here at...

down there. I don't want to go out with no girls tonight, Ma.

And you want to know why?

Because I'm ugly.

And you want to know why I'm ugly?

Because you and Paul were ugly. That's why.

Oh, Gene Kelly there, too. I'm singing in the...

Look, look, look at this hockey puck. We're in the middle of the Nevada

The man's singing in the rain.

It's good to be here to honor Frank tonight.

But not everybody I know shared that opinion. For instance, Truman Capote

said...

Sinatra, I think it's ridiculous.

All he ever does is go out every night and brawl and punch and hit.

It's disgusting. It's degrading. And in a strange way, it's rather exciting.

And George Burns told me...

That's like putting Fonzie in the White House.

Now, Frank's a nice kid.

And as a singer, it's hard for me to put him down. You can't put down another

singer.

But he doesn't know how to put over a song.

You see, Frank, a song should go something like this.

When somebody loves you, it's no good unless he loves you all the way. So hug

like a flower.

Come to me, a flower.

Love and let me learn the letter of life. You've got a million.

Let's ask one of Frank's neighbors in Palm Springs to say a word in your

Gerald. forward.

as a special surprise to our man of the hour.

The audience may not be familiar with the name Jilly.

None of you people don't know who Jilly is. It is always a famous word, well,

with us and with Mr. Sinatra.

You've never even heard of Jilly, Father.

Well, maybe, here he is, Jilly. There's no Frank without Jilly.

I came out of respect. I came out of admiration for most of all.

I came out of fear.

I remember the night Frank came into my joint.

About three in the morning. He had just left the old Morocco.

Big deal.

And he brought some of his friends with him.

They were very high class. The A group.

You know the... trying to wash their hands before they eat.

And then spend a half hour looking for a clean spot in a roller tower.

Frank, I know you got a lot of important people up here.

So I'll just say what I've been saying to you for the first 30 years.

I'll be waiting in the car.

TV series CPO Shockey, which is a big hit on the NBC network.

Mr. Don Rickles, everybody.

Frank, may I say publicly to you, is the bomb of the year.

I don't like to hear that.

It's gone.

To my black brother's red fox, Cliff Wilson, the one to pay.

Sorry.

It's your whole life.

Your dear, wonderful, wonderful new wife, Barbara. Barbara?

The one with the diamond on her nose.

I have a Jewish wife. She doesn't do that. She has so much jewelry on, she

keep her head up.

I'll laugh. Enjoy.

I'm singing in the rain.

I'm singing in the rain.

I'm singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain.

I'm singing in the rain.

I'm singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain.

I'm singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain.

Guy said, you stink. And Julie walked over and said... They

killed the Don.

It's a man that's in charge of the Italian people.

Huh?

Jews don't do that. We make a phone call, give a few dollars, and they all

away.

I didn't hold no grocery store up.

And the homeless people go, any trouble?

And my dear friend, Jack Klugman, from Quincy, one of the great actors who said

to me, get me a broad, a monkey, a dog, anybody.

Get me an old moose, anything.

And Ronald Regan, our great former governor, who said to me,

Pope couldn't be here tonight. He's looking for a war.

You know, I never tell the truth.

I exaggerate. I make fun of blacks, whites, Jews, Italians. Well, Jews.

We're the chosen people. We had a few bum breaks. I must admit that. The Red

trick.

Good.

to wonderful Peter Fork. Over here, Peter. Look at this side.

It's a Ruth Buzzy who everybody laughs at about her looks.

Red dog.

And Austin Wells, 30 years ago you were handsome and now we're going to put

Goodyear on your face and fly you over the beach for a half hour.

You know the girl who kept checking with him knowing, is that funny?

I love you, Milton.

It's over.

And Luanda will come in on Tuesday. Just the furniture.

From Murray Franklin's to the big lights of Las Vegas.

This wonderful gentleman that we honor tonight was in my corner then. He's in

corner now.

We do not dance together.

We do not break bread every day together.

But when I'm in his company, Dean knows this and you know this.

I speak of him with love.

And I tell you, we have been blessed to have such a man. Good night.

And now...

It is my privilege and very pleasant duty to introduce our guest of honor.

I'm a good buddy.

What can you say about a guy that's already a legend?

The accomplishments of Frank Sinatra have been documented in the history of

business.

You can find him listed in some books as a singer.

In others, you'll find him listed as an actor.

But in my book, he'll always be listed as a friend.

The best.

This business isn't as easy as it looks.

You endure a lot of hurts and scars along the way, and whenever Frank found

I was hurting, he was always there for me.

There's lots more I could say, but at this moment, my emotions prevent me

from... translating my feelings into words.

So I'll just say, here's the man of the hour, the man of the year, and my

personal vote for the man of the century, Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, Dean, and all of you roasters and our

roastette.

I'm here tonight for a very simple reason.

I will repeat what Dean said except change it around. I love Dean Martin,

for more years than we want to mention.

And if that upsets Anita Bryant, so be it.

And, Dean, I hate to spoil your image, but I have to tell the people...

The Dean I know a little bit about, a good deal about. He's not a drunk, and

is so far from the fumbler he would have you believe he is.

It's all a charade, really.

But it entertains people, so he carries on with it.

And Dean has probably brought more fun into my life than anybody I know.

As for this evening, I've enjoyed every week of it.

I enjoyed the jokes, and I enjoyed the serious part that Don Rickles did.

Everybody doesn't have to be funny all the time.

And Don proved it again tonight.

And that's how to express my thanks to all of you on the dais for being my

friends. We don't have time tonight.

Or this year, for me to put it all into words.

But you may believe me, if I knew how to hug a dais, I would do it.

Everybody on this dais.

By your talents, you bring light into darkened worlds and lives.

And by your work, you change the world's subject from sadness to laughter.

And that is a rare gift that I cherish and admire in all of you people.

You've cheered America.

And in my book, that's win, place, and show.

Because without the laughter you provide, without the escape you create,

your songs and your entertainment, the brilliant colors you add to a black and

white world, that world would have more time to cry.

You get applause, but never enough.

But what is enough if only once in your life you cause the friendly smile to

wipe out a stranger's tear?

I love you all. Thank you very much.

May I say that I hope you all live to be a thousand years old.

And the last voice you hear is mine.