Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides a scintillating

for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here tonight. They are here in Las Vegas in

person. As Dean Martin honors our man of the hour, Evel Knievel, with tonight's

guests, William Conrad, Don Rickles,

Glenn Campbell, Senator Barry Goldwater, Ernest Faulkner, Milton

Berle, Gabe Kaplan, Jackie Cooper,

Isabel Sinford,

Chris Robertson, McLean Stevenson.

Georgia Engels, Dr.

Joyce Brothers, Nifty Russell, Audrey Meadows, and your Roastmaster, Dee

and tonight's very special man of the hour, Evo Penevo.

It's a Megham Grand Hotel, MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas,

to honor Evel Knievel, a man who many times has looked into the face of death,

Phyllis Diller.

Evel first came to the public's attention on ABC's Wide World of Nuts.

rescued him from Snake River, they rushed him to the hospital with stomach

injuries. For a week, he couldn't hold anything down except his night nurse.

When he got out of the hospital, the governor of Idaho gave a dinner in his

honor and presented Evo with a special cup, which he's wearing tonight.

Donald Trump, this man, he loves to live dangerously. And I respect him.

Next time he tries to jump over Snake River, I'd like to ride with him. But he

doesn't carry passengers.

I know.

President Ford asked him to take Rockefeller.

Senator Goldwater, the president has plans for you, too.

He's going to name you ambassador to Cuba and...

make shadow your press secretary.

Before I introduce our first guest, I just want to say I've admired you ever

since your first stunt when you jumped over 12 cars, bounced off a fire

and crashed your car into a house.

You're my kind of guy.

That's the way I come home every night.

Ladies and gentlemen, a bright young comedian and the star of Welcome Back,

Cotter, Mr.

Gabe Kaplan.

Thank you, Dean. I have a message for you from my students.

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

I am really happy to be here tonight for this man, Evel Knievel. I know Evel.

We've met on several occasions, and I myself have a few daredevils in my

There was my uncle, the late Crazy Max Kaplan, whose last feat was to try to

jump over 147 Hebrew National Salamis.

And he made it. The only thing is he didn't see the slicing machine on the

end.

The first time I've been to a funeral where the deceased was laid out on a

platter with olives and celery.

a few unfortunate spills themselves and they've had to put them back together or

some strange surgery.

You want evil to hear you, you have to speak into his nose.

In fact, this is the only man whose organs have called up Dr. Christian

personally and begged to be transplanted into somebody else's body.

Evil has not been affected by his spills. I mean, he has some nasty ones.

have not affected this man's head.

Never. I mean, he's rational, he's a sane human being, but don't ever try to

take his crayons away.

He's been patched together a lot, but that doesn't matter. I mean, it's a

little... Of course, a few problems, though, like when he goes to the

his head sets off the metal detector.

What does Evel Knievel do for fun?

Quack, quack, quack. I'll tell you what he does for fun.

D, this man sits at home.

and makes obscene phone calls to the National Safety Council.

But I'm going to leave you with one of Ivo's favorite sayings. He always says

that we're all going to the same place.

Ivo, I just spoke to them upstairs, and you're three days late already.

You're terrific. Keep on trucking, baby.

Isabel Sanford used to be Archie Bunker's next -door neighbor.

Then she moved uptown to star in her own series, The Jeffersons, and here she

is, Miss Isabel Sanford.

Thank you, Dean.

And after all these years of listening to George Jefferson, It's a pleasure to

be around a man who doesn't raise his voice, only his glass.

I know we're here to honor Evel Knievel, but we should be honoring his wife.

Can you imagine what it's like to be married to this motorcycle maniac?

He's split more ribs than I've eaten.

Have you wondered what Evel Knievel's wife thinks about his broken bones?

When he comes home to her, it's like getting junk mailed.

But there's one saving grace. The kids.

You don't have to buy them toys.

They amuse themselves putting daddy together.

It must be great for romances when your husband comes home from one of his

dangerous stunts and you wonder, what he broke this time.

I suppose I shouldn't complain.

Whenever my husband, George, gets romantic, that's a stunt.

Well, let's give credit where credit is due.

Behind every man, there's a woman.

And in the case of Evel Knievel's wife, there's a woman with a band -aid.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the man who gave brutality lessons to Godzilla, Mr.

Ernie Borden.

A lot of people will be forever grateful to you for all that you've done for

them, especially those 33 doctors' children who you personally put through

college.

Very few people know that one of the first jumps that Evil made was when he

in high school.

One of his buddies gave him a hot foot in algebra class, and Evil jumped flat

-footed over the teacher.

That was the first standing broad jump.

And who can forget the movie they made of evil's life?

Almost everybody.

And the biggest thrill of his career, the Snake River Almost

Jump.

Very few people know the famous words he said.

when he first saw that deep chasm and its petrifying depths.

These words still linger in the ears of fortunate bystanders when he said, Are

you kidding?

I love you, but please don't ask me to be in your carpool, huh?

Milton Berle has worked in radio, and he has worked in television,

nightclubs, the movies, and he even wrote a book.

And he's going to keep going until he finds something that people like about

him.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite comedians, but what the hell do I know?

Mr. Milton Berle.

How do you like this, huh? You wanna?

He's the one that crashed and he's the one that smashed.

Look at this.

He's laughing.

He don't know where the hell he is.

Um... Laugh, laugh.

He thinks this is sex.

This man has so much metal in his body, just came up with a new disease.

Terminal rust.

this doggy bag with bones.

Not because he's a daredevil, but because he's a brilliant businessman.

And I compliment you on that, Mr. Knievel, or Knievel.

No, he is a financial wizard.

Here's a man who bought Polaroid at 27 and sold it when he was 28.

This man who was born an only twin.

a genius in school.

What a brain. To get on the good side of the kids in his class, evil told him

that he had ESP.

Unfortunately, he was trying to spell car.

I'm kidding.

If I've said anything to insult you, believe me.

Because he's brave.

He's courageous.

He's got guts.

It's the only man who told Howard Hughes to get lost, and look what happened.

Of course, his last few jumps haven't been too thrilling.

I've seen more exciting Nestea plunges.

I understand next year he's going to make his most dangerous jump over the

entire King family.

big finish over Tony Orlando's platform shoes.

I can see it all now as Evo Canura... I had my nose fixed and my mouth

don't work.

I can see it all now as he soars through the air with his St. Christopher medal

wearing a neck brace.

People are going to look up in wonder and in amazement and scream, is it a

Is it a plane?

No, it's a dum -dum.

They say that inside of every fat man, there's a thin man trying to get out.

In the case of William Conrad, there are 20 of them trying to get out.

and detectives around if you can figure out how to get around him, the star

of Kenyon.

Oh, Kenyon.

Mr. Kenyon won't yet.

I don't mind the jokes about my size, Dean.

At least they measure my weight in pounds.

Yours is in quarts.

In my capacity as a private detective, I was asked to shadow Evel Knievel for

one day and find out what he's really like.

Here's my report.

Hi.

It's a great night, Milton.

By 30 a .m., observe subject sleeping.

He sleeps in the raw.

On a rock -hard bed, no blanket, and windows wide open.

I also noticed he sucks his thumb.

At 7 .45 a .m., Neville picked up the morning paper, read the obituary column.

His name was not in it, so he ate breakfast.

2 o 'clock.

Subject went into a men's store.

2 .10.

Subject went into another men's store.

2 .20. Subject went into a third man's men's store.

Realized Subject did not intend to buy anything.

He just likes to look at himself in the mirror.

6 .30. Subject entered a factory to check his latest merchandise item, the

Knievel Daredevil Di -Di doll.

Just before it jumps, it walks, talks, and wits.

Subject called Montana.

851, subject bought Montana.

On next guest, the distinguished senator from Arizona, Barry

Goldwater.

If the senator isn't too funny tonight, there's a reason for it.

When he mailed us the copy of his monologue, the CIA opened it and took

the jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor and a privilege for me to introduce a great

American, Senator Barry Goldwater.

Thank you, Dean.

As part of our bicentennial celebration, the state of Ohio has named your

birthplace in Steubenville an historical monument.

They've even got a statue of you in front of the county courthouse, and it's

perfect likeness. It's lying at the bottom of the steps.

I've always admired the kind of man who sets out to accomplish daring feats

without a second thought to the tremendous odds that are against him.

as Charles Lindbergh in 1927, Sir Edmund Hillary in 1953,

and Barry Goldwater in 1964.

Beagle's my kind of guy.

A man who can turn apparent failure to his own advantage.

For instance, when he jumped the Snake River Canyon, although he didn't clear

the canyon, he did clear some three million dollars.

You know, I've got a proposition for you.

I know you're always looking for new challenges, so I'd like to publicly

you to come to

Washington, that's D .C., and jump over the Capitol Dome.

Actually, I can think of a few people who'd like to watch me make that jump.

We're confident that you'll accept our invitation, and I know it's a little

premature, but in anticipation of the day when you do make that jump, the

of my home state, Arizona, have already named.

one of our cities after you, Tombstone.

Well, gentlemen, a real good swinger and a real good pal.

My buddy here, he is the rhinestone cowboy himself, Mr. Glenn Campbell.

Evil to evil, I salute you. You're a nice man.

Georgia Engel from the Mary Tyler Moore Show is the sweetest and the

most gentle lady you can meet. In fact, she's so nice that before she goes

through a revolving door, she knocks.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The girl who makes Mary Poppins look like Fanny Fox.

Miss Georgia Engel.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

Oh, you're welcome.

When the producer asked me to be on his roast, he asked me to think up some real

good zingers.

So I stayed up all night and thought and thought, but I couldn't even figure out

what a zinger is.

So they gave me these things to say about the people on the dais.

Some clouts, some hits, and some put -down sticks.

Here's the first one.

It's nice to see Don Rickles here tonight. I understand he went to see

Rooted for the Shark.

I'm sorry, Mr. Rickles. I didn't mean to say anything mean.

I'm sure you're very likable.

Otherwise, why would you be doing a new television pilot every year?

Here's another singer.

I see we have McLean Stevenson here.

When he left MASH and went on his own, he followed in the footsteps of Amelia

Earhart, Howard Hughes, and Judge Crater.

The only difference is somebody is looking for them.

Well, who would have said that? There's a lot of interest in you.

Every day I hear people say, whatever happened to McLean Stevenson?

It's also nice to see Dean Martin.

He's the nicest man on two feet, if he could only stay on him.

I don't know why they say that. I saw you just an hour ago in the lobby of the

MGM Grand, and you were standing, remember?

You stood a few seconds before you fell.

And now we come to our guest of honor, Evel Knievel.

How do you like that outfit he's wearing? It looks like Liberace's

And please don't be... I feel bad, Mr. Knievel. I'm sure it takes a lot of

to wear something like that.

Thank you. I hope I haven't offended anyone.

And that's it for the singers.

Our next guest is the star of the new television series, Mobile One.

a story of a TV news team that covers major disasters, which is why

he's here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the real pros of show business and a very

actor, Mr. Jackie Koopa.

When you mention the name Evel Knievel, One question springs to everyone's mind.

How does this guy get insurance?

He kept looking and finally found the one company that would agree to insure

him. Lloyd's of Warsaw.

Abel is now insured for $1 million.

His annual premium is $2 million.

Abel, I salute you. You've done for motorcycles.

What the Surgeon General has done for cigarettes.

My pal and one of the greatest, Mr. Nipton.

We're

here

tonight because evil for evil is a master showman.

If there's one thing I do know, it's your business and your people.

I knew Gladys Knight when her pips were small.

They were just little guys.

Couldn't even sing.

It's true that Evel Knievel does not know the meaning of fear.

This man could bribe a cop with a counterfeit bill and never worry about

My brother saw it.

My brother was coming from the welfare office in his Cadillac.

Sure he's got a Cadillac. He's black, ain't he?

I mean, we don't keep them long, but we get them first.

As he turned into the freeway, he saw it all. There was a motorcycle cop

cruising along 60 miles an hour.

Evil Knievel passed the man so fast that the cop thought his bike had stopped

and got off to see what was wrong.

And I admire a man with these personality traits because my father is

kind of man.

Stubborn and militant.

My dad died with a headache because he would not pick the cotton out of the

aspirin bottle.

Dr. Joyce Brothers, the well -known psychologist.

Dr. Brothers has been trying to get me on the couch for years.

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Thank you, Dean. As Dr.

Kinsey said, you're all right in my book.

Evel Knievel makes a very interesting psychological study, and he really poses

number of questions.

So I asked Evel what keeps him from backing out at the last minute.

He told me he has a little mental exercise he does to take his mind off

danger. He looks around at the crowd, counts the number of people, and

multiplies by a buck -eighty.

Now we have a surprise for you and an even bigger surprise for our guest of

honor, a person who knows more about Evel Knievel than anyone else in the

Evel's brother, Awful Knievel.

Hello to my brother.

Evil Knievel is a fake.

And I'm here to expose him tonight.

He's a fraud.

A phony.

His twin brother.

He got all the credit and I did everything.

When we were kids, he was afraid of his own shadow.

In fact, I was his shadow.

And another thing.

Another thing about him. He can't stand pain.

start to spank me.

You think he likes speed?

Well, let me tell you something. He's got a governor on his jacuzzi.

Do you remember that big junk here in Las Vegas where you saw the film

of him bouncing along the pavement?

That was me.

They drove evil to the hospital in a fancy ambulance.

I had 17 broken bones and I had a hitchhiker.

Anytime he can't handle something, he sends for me.

I even heard it from him on his wedding night.

Everybody says my brother evil is not afraid that he died.

Why should he be, I ask you?

When he dies, They'll bury me.

Let's bring up a fine actor and a good pal of mine, Mr. Cliff Robertson.

From evil to evil,

we all agree that you're just about the bravest man on earth.

And my real purpose here tonight is to induct you into the bravery hall of fame

and give you an idea.

of the heroic men and women already in that Hall of Fame.

Here's a brief rundown.

There's Mike Williams.

Mike went out with Phyllis Diller when she was wearing a see -through blouse.

And Gunther Schultz, the legendary lion tamer who performed a death -defying

act. He stuck his head in Howard Cassell's mouth.

Mustn't forget Cy Goldberg, the first man to open a delicatessen in Cairo.

But, Evil, what really ensured you getting into the Bravery Hall of Fame

thing that you did last night. Ladies and gentlemen, it was even more

than any of Evil's motorcycle jumps.

There was one empty seat at the bar, and I saw Evil racing Dean Martin for it.

Here's one of TV's newest and funniest personalities, Mr.

McLean Stevens.

Well, as you probably know, I guest host the Tonight Show occasionally.

And a few weeks ago, one of the loonies on the staff came up with what he

thought was a bright idea, and that was to film the spot of me jumping over a

dozen trucks in Evil's sidecar.

So we start up the ramp on Evil's sidecar, and I'm feeling pretty good by

Until just before we get to the takeoff, I notice the St. Jude statue on his

handlebars is wearing a parachute.

Well, I gotta tell you, Evil and I sailed right over those 12 trucks and

perfect landing.

So I get my little card, zip back to the apartment, and I'm feeling great.

I jumped over 12 trucks and laughed in the face of death. I open the door to my

dippy little apartment, step on my daughter's skateboard, fly halfway

room, and nearly break my face.

In closing, I'd just like to say, Evil, that your fearless feats and your

incredible jumps, your amazing acts of bravery, have really given new meaning

the word dumb.

No secret that the machinery upon which our honored guest risked his life must

be finely tuned and perfectly maintained.

You put me on?

Let's say hello to Evel Knievel's personal mechanic.

Reminds me I gotta get some balloons for the kids.

As Mr. Martin just told you, I'm the person responsible for maintaining Mr.

Knievel's... Whatchamacallit, with those round things on it?

That's a motorcycle.

Oh, you must be a mechanic too, Mr. Martin.

I thought you...

Every morning, I help Mr. Knievel charge his battery.

We have a special battery name for Mr. Knievel.

Ever Ready.

It's such a thrill to work for this Pagliacci of the Pistons.

But the strangest thing is that Mr. Knievel is from Butte, Montana.

And I'm from Butte.

So you people out there in television land, whether you know it or not, are

looking at a pair of fumes.

Well, he's in your pit, huh?

No, he's evil over there.

Oh, you're really fast, Gene.

Oh, I haven't forgotten you, Honda Head.

What I did for him, I didn't leave his side.

When they brought him back to the hospital, he was half gone.

When he came out of shock, whose face was the first one he saw?

Don Rickles, as you know, this year all the networks created the family hour,

and for Don they created the animal hour.

Best man in the world, Mr. Don Rickles.

don't like you, Evil. I never did.

You're annoying with your dummy motorcycle doing your trick -or -treat

walls. Who cares?

Senator, I'm terribly sorry about the election.

You should have been president.

I would like to kiss your knuckles and just be with you all the time.

To fit in Arizona and watch a coyote die, to me, is fun.

I had a broad once, used to hang around Arizona, just lay in the damn desert

going, whoo!

God bless you, Senator.

I mean this sincerely. You will be taken to your car, as always.

Good luck to you in the Congress. I know that you sit there every night and go,

what are they voting on?

Anyway,

that's why you weren't president.

You'd never laugh.

You ought to be like Ford. Wear the suit that doesn't fit.

I'd like to say... Notice the way Goldwater went. That was a good one.

Now... It's good to see you, Isabel, the wonderful black lady

down on the end. I kid about black people. We need you people, really, we

blacks, my friend Harry Goins. He's my dearest friend. He's been with me 22

years. He's black. He's not here tonight, unfortunately. He was on safari

tiger ate him.

You know what the blacks do? They run in front of the leopard going, here come a

tiger, Mr. Lipschitz.

Senator Goldwater went, I gotta use that something.

I kid my...

Dear friend, Dr. Joyce Brothers, I wouldn't let you treat my nails.

Dear Kaplan, my launchman, that means a brother of my people, also a Jewish boy.

Had you known evil personally, you could have been up close. But unfortunately,

as my people say, love thyself as thy love thy cutter.

Thy rabbi will bring thee to thyself, vith thy faith.

Now, that's Goldwater. That's true.

God bless you, Nipsey. When you get a chance, the hotel has to be clean.

Tonight is your night, Evil.

Evil Knievel and you, William Conrad. You're a heavy man, Bill. You're going

swell up and die. Listen to me.

Don't you worry, Evil. You'll never die. You had your shot at it.

Of course, to you, I really mean this. Glenn Campbell, you've been my favorite.

When the wife and I sit at home, we play all his albums.

night with you sitting around the house going, my brother knows, my father

knows, they're so fine. My lip, my brother can't die.

Three clowns in the back went, sing it, boy, sing it.

You dummies, you're gonna die singing those cowboy songs.

Do what Dean does.

Everybody.

Somebody pull the cord on Dean so his lip works.

Of course, my I don't know. God bless you, Milton. What a night for you.

been such a great star over the years. And now we're going to put you in a

Jackie Cooper. I'll never forget when Wallace said, ah, gee whiz,

kid, I love you.

I want to be a chef. I want to be a chef. Ah, get away from me, kid. Get

from me.

Cold water went out.

That's damn good.

Ruth Buzzi is made up in her costume.

I'm sorry. That's really Ruth Buzzi, folks.

That's what you call a mercy date.

That's a lovely actress, and she will be in the state hospital running through

the halls going, want to see my kite?

Charlie Callis, a great star. I spoke to the Mayo Clinic, and they want your

tongue put in a jar.

But I do want to say this has been a great one. Evil can evil life.

You know, we've met each other. I was here when, unfortunately, at Caesar's

Palace, when you hit the wall and the ambulance driver went, he crashed.

You're a great hero, Emil. Really, you are. Either that or you're dumb.

Take a motorcycle and jump over 12 trucks while the Jewish promoter's gone.

He'll never make it.

And the Italian's gone.

Eight to five, he clears the trucks.

Too fast, Hunter.

Don't write letters, folks. We cover them all.

That's the whole thing, to have an American hero.

When I was a kid, Jack Armstrong was my hero. Now we have you in your tutti

-frutti suit.

You're married how many years now, Evo?

Sixteen years.

I just can picture him just sitting with the wife every day.

I make jokes about you, Evil. Why?

Because it takes a great deal of courage to do what you do, to jump over

canyons, jump over trucks, get a job like everybody else.

Stop annoying people with your trick -or -treat jobs.

May I say to all of you, to you, Evil, thank you for making me fly up on Dean's

plane. We had a piper cub with a rubber band on his nose.

Somebody blew on us and we took off.

Great tip, and you are one of the cheapest Italians I have ever known.

Sinatra's going to hear about this. Frank couldn't be here tonight,

unfortunately, because this wasn't exciting.

But, unfortunately,

he's in Salerno going, I did what I was told.

Notice, Senator, how I made it to Salerno? Because I know you're taking

To you, Ivo, good luck.

Continue your great courage, no matter what you do.

Just live, enjoy life, and pass on to all our youngsters.

Men and women, your great courage. I love you.

Evel Knievel is the greatest motorcycle daredevil of our day.

But not many of us know that early in Evel's career, he performed hundreds of

deaths. defined stunts that have never been publicized.

Here are a few of them that you never read about.

Number one daredevil in the whole world, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Evil Knie.

Thank you.

You know, I've always liked Dean Martin because he did a nice thing for me one

time. After one of my jumps...

I was in the hospital, and he donated a pint of his blood in my name.

There was one problem. I was a little young then, and they won't let anybody

under 21 have it.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here.

Because of the stunt rider, I've had some close calls.

And the thing that stays with you longest after a crash is the sound of

and grinding metal.

You can't believe how horrible that sound is unless you have a new...

Album by Glenn Campbell.

I'm glad to see Jackie Cooper back on television.

Jackie, your new show, Mobile 2, is a real sleeper. I slept through it.

Mr. Burrell, the last time I saw you was on the Tony Orlando show.

You and Tony make a great team.

Orlando and yawn.

like to say something nice about McLean Stevenson.

Has anybody got any suggestions?

I'm glad Don Rickles is on, because I really like him.

As a matter of fact, last year I jumped over a river that was named for Don.

The Snake River.

That was only one Don Rickles, and that's Howard Cosell.

Before the show, I heard something nice about Ruth Buzzy. She was once voted

Myth Canada.

She's considered very pretty up there.

But don't forget, that's moose country.

And Isabel Sanford, I never met you before, honey.

But I saw you talking to Nipsey Russell backstage, and I thought you were

Sanford and Son.

Dr. Joyce Brothers, from what you said, You're inferring that I have a split

personality.

Honey, if you landed on your fanny as many times as I have jumped that

motorcycle, you'd be split someplace, too.

Senator Goldwater, I really feel honored having you here.

You know, you and I are a lot alike.

We've both known the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

You know, Dean said I'd remember this night until I'm 100 years old. Thank God

ain't going to live that long. Thank you. Good night, everybody.