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Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And the very special man of the week, Ed McMahon.

Well, tonight we're honoring

my pal, Ed McMahon.

There's lots I can say about Ed McMahon, but there's a part of his life known

only to a few of his friends.

His record in World War II.

Yeah, he's lucky he's here today.

Every year, Ed sends a card to the Italian girl who hid him in the cellar

the war.

Of course, she lived in Cleveland at the time.

However, when the war... Not bad for the Allies.

Ed ran out, bought himself a gun, and did the only thing possible. He shot

himself in the foot.

That didn't fool his draft board. He was sent overseas and still bears a scar

where cold steel pierced his skin.

He sat on a corkscrew.

Ed, there's a lot of friends of Mars who couldn't be here tonight, but they sent

a few wires, and I'd like to read some of them. Excuse my glasses, because I

can't see anything.

Would you put this in my car?

That's okay.

Here's one from Johnny Carson, who can't be here tonight because he's working in

Las Vegas.

Dear Ed, I don't know what I'd do without you and your fantastic support.

I think of you every time I wear it.

This one's from your youngest son. Daddy, I think it's wonderful that

being roasted tonight.

Usually you come home stewed.

So, well, it's a pleasure introducing my next guest who's here to honor Ed, Mr.

Patton Buttram. I'm sure you're all familiar with Patton. He's made hundreds

westerns. As a matter of fact, Patton just flew in from Texas where he emceed

telethon for Saddle Rash.

Ladies and gentlemen, Patton.

In closing, this is the biggest thing that's happened to me in

show business since Yule Gibbons come to my ranch last week and ate the tailgate

off of my buckboard.

Said it reminded him of the taste of wild hickory nuts.

I'm not a big show business personality. I'm a simple country boy.

I remember the first love affair I ever had. I was 17 years old and she got mad

and she ran away and I got mad, picked up a rock and threw at her, broke off

of her horns.

It was terrible.

Now we do have something in common and that's our religion.

I'm a reformed drunk and he's orthodox.

I understand Ed went to confession three months ago.

The priest is now an usher at the Pussycat Theater.

Ed McMahon.

He has some of the funniest lines on late night television, like, how hot was

it, Johnny?

But Ed has done very well. He's smart enough to have saved his money.

I mean, who knows? It may be valuable again someday.

He recently opened a nationwide chain of John Ehrlichman Charm School.

Right now he's working on another idea.

Rubber shoelaces for fat people.

You tie them up at your chest and let them snap down to your shoes without

bending over.

And it's very fitting that we pay honor to Ed McMahon tonight.

It's just in time because I hear a group of Texas businessmen, they have bought

him. And they're going to tear him down and put up a Ramada Inn.

I'm here paying my respects to this jolly fellow because it's been my

to work with a lot of truly great people in this business.

And I tell you sincerely, so has Ed McMahon.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jackie Vernon.

It's sure good to see you again, Ed.

And I want to say, Dean, it's nice to be on the dance floor.

I know, this is Dean, I'm only kidding. And I mean, now that Sinatra's retired,

who's left?

Just you and Rudy Bailey, right?

Dean is kind of like a father to me.

Especially since he started fooling around with my mother.

Little devil you.

Back to the business at hand.

Good evening, Ed McMahon lovers.

And any other minority groups who may be watching.

I must admit I'm at a loss for words tonight.

I remember Ed back in 1954 when he was an announcer on Who Do You Trust?

A show, incidentally, which is going to return this season starring John Dean

and Richard Nixon.

Tonight as a tribute to you, Ed, I've compiled a series of slides depicting

highlights of your life and career.

To begin with, here's an adorable picture of you looking oh so proud the

day you were potty trained.

Here you are later that day at your 17th birthday party.

How'd that one get in here?

Here you are as a four -letter man at a Catholic university.

Here's a nun washing them off the wall.

marine outfit.

Here's Marine O 'Hara asking you for her outfit back.

What a drag.

Here you are doing a beer commercial with the world -renowned Budweiser

And here are the horses sweeping up after you.

In conclusion...

Here is a series of slides of all the memorable moments which you have

contributed to The Knight Show during the past 11 years.

Well, that about wraps it up.

Thank you.

Thank you, Dean.

There's so much.

Well, not much. I can add to the tribute already paid to Ed tonight.

But I've been a close friend of his for a very long time.

And there's a little something I do know about Ed that some of you may not.

Ed is really a black man.

He's one of us.

Every night before appearing on TV, he has to white up.

You know, he does this for two reasons. First of all, his way of getting back at

Al Jolson.

But more important, the NAACP would not allow his old brother to do what Ed does

on The Tonight Show.

They felt it would be demeaning to the black race.

I love you, brother.

Even though you might have Any

of

our audience would like to see more of the own there's a hole in the wall of

dressing room so Thanks again dimples

He knows our guests of honor better and more intimately than anybody here this

evening. He is Ed McMahon's psychiatrist who graciously volunteered to join us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Ludwig von... You

know,

a lot of people think it's unethical for me as your doctor to come here and tell

speakers.

But what's more unethical, you don't pay me for six months.

What do I do?

I don't need you.

The biggest stars in Hollywood come to me.

You know who's clear?

You want to know?

Remember last year, the Marine Corps jamboree?

You were the Iwo Jima float.

Hi -yo!

Hi -yo!

Every time Johnny opens his mouth, hi -yo, what is that?

That's the mailing call of a frightened announcer.

All those silly booze jokes for a little pussycat.

You don't have a drinking problem, as long as the bars are open.

Remember that night in the Kopi you got drunk, tried to hijack the men's room?

That's the idea of a big night in Hollywood. Drink a case of beer, go to a

massage parlor, watch a hero on a goma prize.

What about that book, the television manual, written just for you?

Idiot cards made simple.

No offense, Dean.

Cadet.

Colonel.

Big Mac.

The thing about you I never forget.

It's the immortal words you spoke to your wife.

Johnny says it's either you or him.

For an accent like that, he should be appointed Nixon's cabinet.

We all know there's a little bit of Irish in Ed McMahon.

There's also a little bit of Scots. But tonight we'll stick to the Irish part.

In honor of his Gaelic ancestry, we've flown in a beautiful Colleen from the

sod.

And so, Ed, direct from dear old... How do you say that?

Donegal? Donegal. Oh, singing her way into your Irish heart of hearts.

Here's your cousin.

Kathleen Makutla McMean.

He sure can take those old shillelaghs.

I'm sure you all knew that was Shadow.

Shadow, you were great.

I've got to admit, Shadow, you put Xavier Cougat where he is today, in an

tent.

You won't believe this, but when Cougat brought her over from Spain, she only

knew six words of English, and those words were, don't forget me in your

When I started putting together this roast for Ed McMahon, it was obvious

we didn't have big names for the show. So we put in an emergency call for Jack

Carter to see if he knew any big names.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Carter.

What a spot.

I know I get to follow Charo and her two gorgeous maracas.

Hey, baby, you look terrific. Good deal.

at him, a whole new life, new pride, big home in Bel Air.

Gave up boozing and drinking.

He gave up golf. He gave up carousing, hanging out with the boys. Look at him.

He's calm. He's settled. He's quiet.

He's senile. That's what he is.

It's such a thrill to be here with Dean on my right and Ed on my left.

Do you know from these two breathing on me right now, my pants are being

cleaned.

And my shorts are doing well, too.

in the Bel Air last week. Dean's a member there. He said, come on in and

little golf.

They never got to the course. The bar, that was it.

They opened up with French 75s, then boilermakers, then screwdrivers, then

went to the hard stuff.

About noon, the bartender dragged him out and threw him on the first tee. Dean

was laying there, looked down and says, I can't play. I see four balls.

And Ed said, well, hit them all. You got enough clubs in your hand.

A lot of dear friends would have been here tonight, Ed, but they refused it.

They turned it down, but they sent their best wishes.

Jack Benny would have been here, but he said, what?

They say there's nothing cheap in America anymore.

Well, Ed McMahon is.

Only last week he got trapped sneaking under the door of a pay toilet at NBC.

And I know because I was stuck under there with him.

John Wayne couldn't be here tonight, but I know he wanted to say something to

you like, hello, Ed, this is bad joke.

I would have been there tonight, but I'm busy with my diction coach.

I'm tired of sounding like Howard Cothell.

And yet I've got a great party on my next western.

In the big scene, there's a saloon giving away free liquor, and you play

part of a stampede.

Tony Quinn, who's in Italy making a picture, or any girl nearby, would have

here. But Tony Quinn wanted to say, I love Andy Graham!

I love this man. I love him.

The last time I was on a Tonight Show, I took his puffy face in my hands and I

kissed him right on the mouth.

And he said, Tony, what's that?

I said, that's love.

That's how we show emotion in my country.

He said, that's funny.

That's how I keep my job with Johnny.

And of course, your dear friend, an Englishman, a Welshman, couldn't be here

tonight, Richard Burton, but he wanted to say, dear beloved Ed, But the Clan

McMahon, I would have been there myself, but I'm in Rome. I'm in bed with the

shingles.

Elizabeth caught me with the broad and the roof caved in.

But as a Welshman, I recognize a fellow Welcher.

As you all know, Ed is a direct descendant of the Irish Leprechaun.

That's an Irish fairy.

grant you three wishes if you grant them one.

And in closing I say, and so dear Ed, alas and alack, as I said to Liz, I

be back.

And now Ed, it's time for us to present you with our award.

Yes. Yes.

I'd like you to know that it's quite an honor to be given this plaque.

Our Man of the Week is chosen by a blue ribbon panel of experts, the Three

Stooges, and the Galloping Gourmet.

It's inscribed... What does it say there?

To Ed McMahon, our Man of the Week, from the Dean Martin Comedy Hour,

congratulations. Thank you, Dean.

Thank you, Dean. Thank you, Mondays of the Day. And thank you, ladies and

gentlemen. You know, I ordinarily don't do any other shows than the Tonight

Show. But when Dean told me what the guests would be like, there'd be Dionne

Wark and Pat Buttram, Sharo, Ernie Bergnine, Tom DeLuise.

I can't describe the feeling that surged through me.

Unfortunately, it was too late to get out of this contract.

Jack Potter, you were great tonight, by the way.

Sensational. Before Jack got into this business, he used to be with Roto

-Rooter.

He just can't shake the habit of going down the drain.

And to Pat Buttram, my congratulations, Pat, really. Tonight you carried out the

tradition of Will Rogers.

You died up here.

And Charo, you were beautiful, magnificent.

I don't know whether many of you know this or not, but during the war, she was

great service to our country. She entertained the troops in Vietnam one at

time.

I'm not saying Dean's been drinking, but just early before the show, he looked

at Dionne Warwick and he said, Hey, man, where'd you get that tan?

It's always wonderful to see you. By the way, John Wallach, you are really

sensational. Your career is really skyrocketing. You know the best move you

made was to leave the Supremes?

I really am honored for this, and thank you very much, team.

Thank you all. Thank you.

Thank my guests tonight, and especially the guests of honor, our man of the

week, Ed McMahon.

Ed, it's been a real thrill, and tonight you proved something we always

suspected. Without Johnny, you're nothing.

Good night, everybody. I'm on my way home, Captain. Warm up the hot