All language subtitles for Dean Martin Don Rickles (1974)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin
Comedy Hour presents a special 90

roast with tonight's guests.

Dan Rowan.

Jack Budman.

Dick Martin.

Joey Bishop.

Nick Robertson.

Lauren Greene, Kelly Savala, Britt

Little,

Bob Newham, Foster Brooks,

Mitchie Russell,

Pat Henry, Solly Teller,

Captain Eugene Cernan,

Carol Channing, Phyllis Dillard,

Kirk Douglas.

And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the
week, Mr. Don Rickles.

Tonight, we're roasting Don Rickles.

Rickles is the man about whom Adolf
Hitler once said, from him I could

idea of a fun evening is to show home
movies of the attack on Pearl Harbor

with a laugh track.

Don's got a great sense of humor. He
gets his kicks calling in phony

to the death house.

Don Rickles has the distinction of being
the only civilian that was ever

impeached.

Don inherited his sense of humor. His
mother and father were great practical

jokers. That's how Don was born.

He was even a rotten kid.

One Christmas, he hung his sock on a
tree and a tree died.

You're burning, but you're laughing. I
know.

But that's all behind Don now. Today,
he's a much bigger success than I am.

After all, he's had four TV series, and
I've only had one.

Oh, boy. They say... They say that
behind every clown

is a sad man. In Don's case, it's Robert
Wood, the president of CBS.

Few people know this, but Don's worked
hard in show business to attain one

to save up enough money to send his
mother back behind the Iron Curtain.

Well, it's a pleasure now, ladies and
gentlemen.

It's a great pleasure to introduce Mr.
Joey Bishop.

Joey was a little late getting here. He
was in Johnny Carson's garage loosening

Johnny's brakes.

One of my favorite comedians, Mr. Joey
Bishop.

When they asked me to appear on the dais
for Don Rickles, I said, I don't know

what to say about Don Rickles.

And they said, say whatever you want to
say.

Okay, Don Rickles is a bedwetter.

Not

only

the bed, everywhere.

He's the only one of the days with a
rubber tuxedo.

I really, in my heart, I must say, I
cannot believe we're paying tribute to

I mean it.

I mean, we've had big names here.

Let me go to him. Who are we honoring
next week? Prickly Heat?

honor somebody honor a man like dr
jonathan a man who helps fight diseases

are we honoring a carrier and he's known
for his hostility

and i ask you from the bottom of my
heart what has he to be hostile about

can a short paunchy bold old ugly person
possibly have

He does have a great sense of humor.

I mean, not on stage. I'm talking about
tactical jokes, number one.

You remember the time you took the
safety belt off of Mickey Rooney's

seat?

Remember that?

Mickey almost drowned?

Then I found out, and this was the
shocker, because I know you don't gamble

Vegas. You don't go to the track. I find
you're a bingo addict.

I called your wife, Barbara. I said,
Barbara, what is Don really like? And

said, every night, bingo.

I'm sure you all know why we are here,
because we love this gentleman.

Don Rickles is a fine person, a great
entertainer, a wonderful father, and a

great husband.

In spite of what he says on stage, I
know him.

In my heart, that it's really a good
egg, and you all know where eggs come

Hello, Jerry.

A little while back, Phyllis Diller had
a facelift, and it really did wonders

for her.

Now when she walks down the street, the
guys look at her and say, oh.

Boy, that's because she looks like one.

Ladies and gentlemen, a nice lady, a
lovely lady, a great comedian, Miss

Dillard.

Thank you very much, Dean. You know, the
man we are roasting tonight took first

prize on this last Halloween for his
costume.

He painted the top of his head blue and
went as a ballpoint pen.

He's sort of unlucky. You know, he lost
all his hair and still has dandruff.

My friend Don Rickles has all the charm
of an earthquake.

And I wrote this joke myself.

But he's kind to animals.

Every night he puts his cat out.

With ether.

out of the grenade in his mouth.

It's not getting any better.

You know, if they're bad, there's no
saving them.

It's done, baby.

You know I'm only kidding with all of
this. I wish I could say how I really

about you.

But then I'd never get on television
again.

Ladies and gentlemen, the most
distinguished actor, the star of grief,

Just a long dream.

But then, of course, I've always liked
animal acts.

I've been listening here to people
casting aspersions on Don.

And about his ability in many areas, but
particularly as a comic.

And I think that's rather cruel.

And as an actor, I object to the
discrimination.

Because Don is a pretty rotten thespian,
too.

You know what a thespian is, Dean?

Oh, sure. I got a turndown from one of
them the other night.

Right on.

Let me say this about Don Rickles as an
actor.

He's had a very long theatrical career.

You could list all his hit shows on a
piece of confetti.

And not many people know this.

This is a fact, but Don was part of the
Bonanza cast for all the 14 years we

were on television.

He was our fourth son.

The one we kept in a home.

Don was now blessed with a very
beautiful wife, Barbara, two marvelous

and a mother who was moved to Florida.

Changed her name.

And sends Don money every week to stay
away.

Don, there will always be a place for
you in the theater.

A place where you can do the thing which
you are greatest at doing.

And it's right up the aisle, second to
the left.

and Martin if you've seen them you know
that they're a very unusual team two

straight men

We have not come to praise Don Rickles,
nor have we come to bury

him. He has managed to do that pretty
well over the years himself.

Now, we have always wondered why Don is
so successful and can only be laid to

his material. Great material.

So we have collected some of the
greatest of Don Rickles' material, and

word you're going to hear is from Don
Rickles' own mouth.

Direct quotes. Right. What did you say?

Verbatim. Very good. Thank you.

First of all, here's one here.

It's in case there's a colored guy on
the dais. There happens to be one. Yeah.

To you, Nipsey, sorry about the seating
arrangement.

At first, they wanted you out in the
hall with a bucket.

If there's a Mexican on it, there is
no... Is there a Mexican in the

Must be.

You Mexicans... Hello, Jose.

You Mexicans never fool around with a
wife.

You're too busy laying on the floor,
fixing the mud so it don't cave in.

Anyway, gang.

What is anyway?

That is anyway. He says it a lot, I
don't know. Anyway, anyway, gang.

gang. I might have read it wrong. I
guess so.

Sir, you're Welsh, huh? I'll make you
feel at home.

Woo! Mine cave -in.

You'll never see a Jew coal miner.

They're usually in the cabin saying,
Irving, there's a cave -in down there.

But anyway, gang.

Anyway, gang.

I spent a very thrilling evening with...
Come back to

haunt you, don't you?

I watched a fly go up a drape.

Anyway, gang.

I think there's more to that. Oh, but we
need the Italians. That's right. This

is the savor. Yeah.

What for?

Oh, yeah. Your pizza's ready, lady.

I quote the words of a great Indian,
Geronimo, as he jumped on his horse.

who said to his black servant, stop that
tap dancing and give me back my high

hat.

Anyway, gang, one of the greatest black
men of our day, Rufus Johnson, said in

Augusta, Georgia, run, baby, run!

And the Jew was right behind him saying,
look, I'll sell you a bike.

I quote the words of a great general,
Robert E. Lee, who said at Gettysburg, I

think we blew it.

You there, fella, how long you been
married?

Four days?

God bless you. Young Jewish kid, right?

If her father -in -law dies, what kind
of work are you out of?

You should have taken this one, because
I don't understand.

What is this one? That's the biggie.
What do you mean, the biggie? Oh, that's

his... That's the one that does it. What
is this? Oh, this is his exit? This is

the funniest, yeah.

Oh, this is how he closes the exit.

In show business, he closed with a big
right. I'll do my best for him.

Show business is my life.

My humor, ladies and gentlemen, is
directed in a way to laugh at ourselves.

It's beautiful.

If you accept...

and deeply grateful.

If not, where the hell's the punchline?
Right here.

Oh, we're getting to it. If not, I wish
you what you deserve, a

glass of hot milk and a kick of Tijuana.

Would you all please welcome the man who
writes every word that comes out of

Don's mouth.

It has been an honor and a pleasure to
be associated with you. You are a real

pussycat.

I have watched you perform in New York,
in Hollywood, in Miami Beach, in Paris.

When it comes to comedy, Bobby Newhart
knows where it's at. Why he don't go get

it, I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest
psychiatrist I know, Mr. Bob Newhart.

Bob Newhart's spot.

Don is my best friend, which just gives
you some idea of the difficulty I have

in making friends.

As some of you may have already known,
Don's hotel room was recently robbed.

The only thing that was taken was the
music to Don's act.

So far, the Chicago police have picked
up 33 ,000 people who might have had a

possible motive.

Don is just about to sign one of the
largest deals in the history of Las

Why he is signing Frank's deal, we'll
never know.

Don has not done that well in
television.

He's had four series now.

The last one, a couple of Don's,
received a minus four Nielsen rating.

This means not only was no one watching,
but several people without TV sets had

heard about the show and said if they
got one, they wouldn't watch it.

That doesn't matter.

I'm going to get it later, so I may have
lost it after a few more times.

But Don's career continues to skyrocket.

We'll be announced in a few days in the
trades, in the papers, that Don has been

chosen as the national spokesman for
Preparation H.

quite excited about.

Many unkind things have been said about
Don.

As his best friend, I think it's
incumbent upon me to tell you the true

don't think Don will take umbrage at
this because Don doesn't know what the

umbrage means.

It's been said that Don never helps
other performers.

I remember when I was starting out, Don
pulled me aside and gave me some advice.

We have a thing in our business.

Be nice to people on the way up because
you meet the same people on the way

down.

Don told me you run into entirely
different people and the hell with them.

Many people say Don is not a good
father, but Don is very proud of his

Mindy and his son Larry.

I know this. I was in his house at the
time.

Larry came in.

Larry wanted a turtle.

And Don rushed out, because anything
Larry wants, he immediately rushes to

as soon as the football game is over.

And he brought him back a turtle, and
Larry gave it to him the next day and

said, the turtle has blisters on his
feet.

And Don took it back to the pet shop.

And the owner said, that's impossible.
The turtles don't get blisters on their

feet, and gave him some salve.

And Don helped Larry put the salve on
the turtle's feet.

And the next day, Don brought back the
turtle. It again had blisters. This went

on for five days.

Finally gave him a new turtle. Don took
it back to Larry and gave it to him. And

just as he was leaving, he turned
around. Something told him to turn

there was Larry going...

Diamonds may be a girl's best friend,
but Carol is an audience's best friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the lovely
and talented...

I cannot understand why everyone here
tonight keeps picking on poor dear sweet

Don. He's really a very good -hearted
man.

Truly he is. I remember once when I was
appearing at the Waldorf Astoria in New

York, and I used to sing a number called
Don't Take Your Love From Me.

Well, I was singing this song one night,
and when I got to the part that goes...

Would you take the wings from birds so
that they can't fly? Don was the only

person in the audience who stood up and
shouted, yes, yes!

You love audience participation, don't
you?

So you see, I am here tonight as one of
Don Rickles' friends.

It's a minority group.

So many terrible things have been said
about Don tonight that I would like to

say a few nice words about him. You see,
I'm not like all of you gentlemen here

on the dais. I don't hate Don. Really, I
don't. Because as our president said,

you can't hate anybody you don't
respect.

like this Mr.

Russell?

Nipsey is living proof that black is
beautiful.

Not funny, but beautiful.

There he is, my good pal, Mr. Nipsey
Russell.

They found an orangutan suffering with a
hernia, fed him poison from a

rattlesnake bite, gave him the soothing
voice of a wild hyena, and he is man of

the week tonight.

Don Nichols, who has the personality of
a lemon taster,

without compassion for his fellow
performer.

When Peg Legg Bates was seriously ill
and down on his luck, Don Rickles gave

money. He said, I know it's tough on
you, Peg.

Here's a few dollars to help you out
till you get back on your foot.

He had suffered rejection, frustration,
only yesterday, in a moment of

flirtation.

Sexy attitude. He tried to pick up a
woman on Hollywood and Vine.

And he was chased away by the two Boy
Scouts that were helping her across the

street.

She hit him with a crutch.

It's because you're hostile, darling.

Pattern after Dean Martin, a sex symbol
and a superstar who upped his prestige

in the business through charm and grace.

He upped his prestige.

What should I do with my hands while I'm
singing? Dean said, put them over your

mouth.

In his humor, he makes some ethnic
slurs. Well, once when we were all in

Florida, I saw Sammy Davis Jr.

water skiing through the Everglades,
enjoying himself immensely.

At the wheel of that boat in the
broiling hot sun, pulling Sammy Davis on

water skis was Don Rickles.

I had to shout my commendation. I said,
Don, you're beautiful, working so hard

to entertain your little friend.

I said, you're personifying brotherhood.

He said, I'm baiting alligators.

Don Rickles has won many prizes in many
places, before many groups by his

philosophical observations.

this group, he's dead.

piano don't go that low.

So I say to you, blow the trumpet of
brotherhood, beat the freedom

drum, but don't sing along with my
people or we shall not overcome.

is a fine actor who won an Oscar for his
portrayal of an imbecile in the movie

Charlie. And after you hear him, you'll
know why they picked him for that part.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most
versatile actors in Hollywood, Mr.

Cliff Roberts.

Thank you, Dean. I'm very happy to be
here tonight because I happen to know

something about Don Rickles that might
interest you. For the past 20 years, Don

has been leading a double life.

By night, he's one of America's foremost
comedians, the king of the insult, the

pasha, the put -down.

But by day, he has a different
profession.

By day, Don Rickles is a priest.

That's right.

He's... pastor right here in Los Angeles
at the parish of St. Hockey Pup.

I don't know why you should be so
surprised to find out that Don is a

After all, Joey's a bishop, and Eva
Marie's a saint, and

I'm going to help her out of trouble
right now.

Father Don has totally devoted his life
to good works.

Every penny he earns as a comedian, he
donates to the Don Rickles Home for the

Incurably Obnoxious.

Some of his congregation have taken a
while to get used to Don's style in his

sermon. The church organist wasn't too
flattered when Don asked him where his

monkey was.

And I'm done. I'm done.

Don was a little startled once when Don
told the man sitting next to her to

please keep his penguin on a leash.

Few people were taken aback at first by
Don's version of the marriage ceremony.

Do you, dum -dum, take this fish face to
be your awfully wedded yo -yo?

But Don, Don has been very successful as
a priest.

The members of his parish are very
careful not to commit any sins

That's because repentance,

Don makes him watch reruns of his old TV
series.

Incidentally, some of Don's friends
couldn't be here. You're amazed how I

talk without looking at the cue cards,
aren't you?

But they sent you some wires, and I'm
going to read some. Okay.

I am.

Oh, God.

I'm going to sell you this close -up,
you know.

That was horrible.

And there's one from Herb Schlosser, the
president of NBC. Dear Don, you had a

series on ABC Friday night at 10 o
'clock. It was canceled.

Then you had a series on CBS Friday
night at 10 .30, and that was canceled.

Do me a favor, Don. Get off Dean's show
fast.

Our next guest is Jack Klugman.

You all know Jack. He's half of the odd
couple.

Maybe next time we'll get the funny
half.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of two
Emmy Awards, Mr. Jack Klugman.

Don has appeared with a lot of great
stars, as we know. Clark Gable and Tony

Curtis, Debbie Reynolds, Clint Eastwood.
He has appeared with them all.

Once.

In one of the films he gave in the movie
Rat Race.

It almost got him to lead in Willard.

Then he made a very important film,
Bikini Beach.

Remember that? He played a sand dab in
heat.

Then, in quick succession, he was really
hot. He made The Man with the X -Ray

Eyes and Enter Laughing and Kelly's
Heroes.

Those pictures made it... They really
make it easy to sum up his movie career

one word.

Over.

And you remember... Again, he's faking
it. Don't make the laughter.

But he's going to make a sensational
comeback because next week, Don starts

own life story. He's going to film Deep
Mouth.

Thank you,

Jack. And now I'd like you to meet Pat
Henry.

Pat!

Worked and traveled with Frank Sinatra
for years.

Which is one of the reasons Frank went
into retirement.

Very funny comedian, Mr.

Pat Henry.

Thank you, Bill.

As you know, ladies and gentlemen,
there's something about Don Rickles very

people know. First of all, Don was born
an only twin.

And to look at Don, you know he wasn't a
very pretty baby. In fact, at birth,

when the doctor held him up, he slapped
him right in the face.

And when his mother saw him, she slapped
the doctor in the face.

As you know, Don was a bottle -fed baby.

Even his mother didn't trust him up
close.

on the good side of all the kids in
school, Don would tell him he had ESP.

Unfortunately, he was trying to spell
car.

But you want to know what kind of a guy
Don really is.

He once invited Jewel Gibbons over for
lunch.

He served him poison ivy.

One of Don's closest friends couldn't be
with us tonight because he's up in

Canada filming on location.

But he insisted on being a part of
tonight's roast.

So, ladies and gentlemen, direct from
Montreal, there's one of Hollywood's

foremost actors, Mr. Kirk Douglas.

Thank you, Jim.

I'm sorry to be up here in Montreal when
you're roasting Rickles down there.

That's always been my favorite dish.

Roast weasel.

Who should have said that?

After all, weasels have feelings too.

But actually, I owe a great deal to my
good friend Don.

You see, when an actor prepares for a
character, he gets ideas from observing

real people all around him.

And Don Rickles has always been a real
character.

Now, in many pictures, I pattern my
characterizations after him.

For example, I'm doing a picture up here
in Montreal right now that's based a

little bit on Don.

It's called Mousy.

Now, if it was really based on Don
completely, it would have been called

Rat.

I remember that in Spartacus, I played a
gladiator who fought more than 300 men

to death.

That was based on Don. He can't get
along with anybody either.

Yeah, Don gave me the inspiration for
the dual role of Dr.

Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

You know anybody more two -faced than
Don?

He also gave me my characterization for
the trumpet player in Young Man with a

Horn, because he's another blowhard with
a lot of lip.

Now, in The Bad and the Beautiful,
though, it was 50 -50.

I used myself for the beautiful and him
for the bad.

And in Champion, my prizefighter like
Don didn't know when to quit.

And finally, in my last picture,
Scalawag, I played a peg -legged pirate.

who, like Don, doesn't have a leg to
stand on, but he sure knows how to steal

the money and run.

Good luck, Don.

Why, Mr.

There's a great impressionist, Mr. Rich
Little.

Yes, sir, Rich can... Rich can be
anybody he wants to be. Why he chose

to be Rich Little, I'll never know.

as long as me, you'll know how to read
them lines, baby.

A really great talent, Mr.

Rich Little.

Thank you,

Dean, for that strange introduction.

that Carol Channing could be here this
evening instead of staying at home and

watching Milt Chamberlain drop
basketballs in her mouth.

Hey, it really is an honor to be here
tonight to pay tribute to this truly

outstanding human being, Don Rickles.

Not many people know this, but Don
recently volunteered to take part and a

series of experiments being conducted at
the UCLA Medical Center.

See, they're trying out new drugs on Don
to see if they're safe for rats.

See, I did that as myself.

But, uh... I've got to laugh.

I know what the impression is.

as you've been saying for years, right?

Why don't you go home and take a warm
bath?

Watch the rubber duck drown.

Hey,

I've really been looking forward to this
occasion. In fact, a few nights ago, I

had a dream about Don Rickles.

Just my luck.

Actually, it was more a nightmare.

I dreamt that all the world's major
political leaders had gathered at the

House in Washington for a conference to
bring peace to the world.

And in my dream, Don Rickles was
president of the United States.

And he was greeting them all.

Now here are some of the things that
President Rickles was saying in my

King Faisal of Saudi Arabia. So, so, so,
so, so, so glad you could come.

Hope you find a parking place for your
camel.

Anyway, may I say something, Your
Highness?

And I say this from the bottom of my
heart.

You've got to be the ugliest king I've
ever seen in my life.

Your

face

was a building and be condemned.

Nazi time. Oh, I love you. You're a
wonderful little guy. You're a little

I know you got a lot on your mind, but
try and remember next time, no starts on

the call, huh?

Vidal Castro, what are you doing here
tonight, you hockey puck?

What'd you do, get a note from the
Russians saying you'd take the night

Incidentally, is that a beard or are you
sticking your head under your armpit?

If you see teeth, it's not an ivory
hunt.

Anyway, Gary.

Isn't this fun, huh, John?

Huh? Isn't this fun staying up late and
everything, huh?

Isn't this great, Miss Bennett, and
sitting around the house discussing your

next series?

Anyway, Gary.

Hey, look who's here, all the way from
the Soviet Union. Mr. and Mrs. Bresner.

Don't, don't, don't, don't tell me. Let
me guess which one is which.

Huh?

I'm so scared for you. Hockey puck,
John, we ain't not here tonight.

The last time I was in Tokyo, I met your
beautiful wife and your lovely kids.

And I must say, that's quite a set of
Tanaka she's got there.

And then all of a sudden, I awoke. The
dream was over. I was awakened by the

telephone. I picked it up. It was Don
Rickles' agent telling me he wanted $75

,000 for appearing in my dream.

You know, because of Don's biting style
of humor, some people have the idea that

he has a cruel streak.

Don't you believe it?

And so, knowing what a fine person Don
Rickles really is, it hurts me when I

hear stories about him that I know to be
false.

And I would like to take this
opportunity to deny some of these nasty

In the first place...

It's not true that when Don was a little
boy, he used to hide his grandmother's

bedpan in the freezer.

Simply untrue.

Nor is it true that he staples worms to
the ground so that birds trying to pull

them out will get hernias.

It's not true that Don once said to Pope
Paul, tell me, Your Holiness, how come

a guy as successful as you never
married?

that in Don's home there is a roll of
sandpaper in the guest bathroom.

All these boys are completely false. Don
Rickles is the kindest, sweetest,

nicest person you will ever meet.

And I am the queen of Romania.

Well, our next speaker is one of
Hollywood's outstanding actors, Alex

a man...

whose talent outshines his head.

Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Kojak,
Mr. Tully Savara.

I'm glad to whistle on you, baby.

Thank you, dear.

You know, they say that hate and love
are very close emotions.

And Don Rickles here is proof of that
because he's one of the few people I

to love.

And I can say that sincerely.

Because for a long time now, Don has
been one of my, or he claims to be one

my best friends.

During our early days in New York, he
used to babysit for me.

He's much more mature, as you know.

Don and I were inseparable.

We had the kind of friendship that
nothing could ever break up.

It lasted until he moved across the
street.

But to this day, I know I can count on
him.

In any emergency, Don, he's always right
there when he needs me.

And you know, I played a very big part
in Don's life. I was the one who

introduced him to Barbara. Barbara, I'm
sorry.

Barbara's his wife.

So I get to pick up the litter.

I also helped straighten her tooth
before she married Don.

But she wound up with this molar.

You know, Don and I made a picture
together in Yugoslavia. It's called

Heroes.

Yugoslavia. One of the few places in the
world where you can still enjoy

yourself without having a good time.

the movie was completed, the whole gang
chipped in, presented Don with a gift

certificate for 25 electric shock
treatments.

Someone... Someone wants to find an
actor as a person who tries to be

everything but himself.

In Don Rickles' case, believe me,
anything else but himself would be an

improvement.

An affair like this would not be
complete without our next guest.

He's famous for his after -dinner
speeches.

He's one of the legends of show
business.

And he certainly needs no introductions,
though.

But here he is.

A wonderful man.

that I feel in my heart for this
wonderful man who was taken away from us

too soon by the

hand of our heavenly father.

However, we can all take solace knowing
the dawn

has gone and entered that big stage door
in disguise.

To join the other greats from the
Halsenders of show business.

Such luminaries as George M. Cohan, Al
Jolson, and Ricardo Cortez.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Don Nichols
shall not pass this way again, and for

that we can all be great.

poignant day in Don Blunt.

Before the final curtain rang down for
eternity,

his lovely wife Barbara

came to his deathbed with her new
fiancée, George Bush.

Under that crisis of hatred and cruelty
was a layer of warmth.

And under that layer, ladies and
gentlemen, was another layer of even

hatred and cruelty.

There's much more I can say, but I have
to leave.

I'm doing a moral griffin.

And now it is the request of the family
that we all get into our limousines and

drive out to Don's final resting place.

The Farthest Blown Animal Cemetery.

That's Mr.

Charlie Pellett, ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome a
great astronaut and a great pal of our

of the Week, Captain Eugene Soon.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Dean. I
very sincerely want to say I'm very

proud to be called a friend of Don's,
and it's certainly a privilege to share

with you this evening this honor.

I guess you'd call it an honor that
you're bestowing upon Don, because from

I've heard, you deserve it all.

The real reason I'm here this evening is
that I've been credited with with some

people with what many call a remarkable
accomplishment.

I'm one of a handful of men who have
achieved the near impossible.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I, Gene
Cernan, have actually spent ten whole

with Don Rickles.

Without belling him in the mouth.

I've known Don for... for quite a few
years. As a matter of fact, that may be

one of the main reasons that I chose to
go to the moon.

Hopefully to get a little peace and
quiet for a change.

And wouldn't you know it, while we're
out there a quarter million miles away

from home, on our way to the moon,
someone decided to pipe up your act,

into the spacecraft.

I later found out that our mission was a
little bit more than just a lunar

landing, but it was somewhat of an
endurance test.

They were actually checking our
threshold of pain.

But, you know, very sincerely, Don, you
would have made a great astronaut, and I

really do mean that.

If we decided to send Don Rickles to the
moon, I know we'd all save a lot of

money because I'm sure the vote in
America would be for a one -way trip.

has never met Don Rickles.

Boy, that's a lucky guy.

But he asked especially if he could come
here tonight just to pay tribute to

him. Ladies and gentlemen, would you
please welcome Mr. Foster Brooks.

Thank you very much.

As the poor Puerto Rican gentleman just
told you,

I have

never met Don Rickles.

In fact, he's probably wondering what
I'm doing here.

He has never even seen... Never even
seen.

He has never seen me before.

He has never heard of me and our paths
have never drawn.

However,

Mr. Rickles, you and I do have...

An indirectly real relationship.

You see, I'm fooling around with your
wife.

So, you see, we do have something in
common.

I hope you understand, Don, that we have
tried to keep this very, very discreet.

So don't tell anybody, will you?

My wife would be furious if she found
out about it.

Don, I really must compliment you on
your spouse, Mrs.

Pickles.

I say that because she's a real dilly.

And I must also admit you have a very
lovely home.

Incidentally, you're out of scotch.

Thank you.

If you happen to think of it, pick up
some pretzels.

You know, Don, what your wife and I love
to do most?

Watching you while you're on TV.

When you're on, we just laugh and
chuckle.

And giggle.

And sometimes we even turn the sound on.

And we are always sad when you finish
your act.

It means you're on your way home and I
better cheese it.

Which reminds me, you're out of
Velveeta, too.

Now, please, Don, don't blame your
lovely wife for any of this.

Our getting together was all my doing.

It's all my fault.

I haven't been the one who answered her
ad in Hollywood pre -press.

Your wife thinks very highly of you,
Don.

She tells me you are a wonderful man.

And I know that you must be put up with
all her snoring.

She tells me that since she's been Mrs.

Rickles...

dearest Thanksgiving.

By golly, that's what she gets for
marrying a turkey.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

It's time for revenge.

Here's our man of the week, the merchant
of venom,

Mr. Don Rickles.

Mr. Salmon, Honneth Getz,

Monsignor Duffy, Rabbi Kinby,

and Deacon Leroy.

Some Turks in the back know Deacon
Leroy.

Well, uh, get my gathering.

It is a, without question, in fairness
to Mr. Dean Martin, this has been one of

the longest evenings I've ever spent in
my life.

Except for the drunk.

It was just charming.

I know the hour is late. The dinner was
absolutely fantastic.

I must say that.

and water with a guppy in it.

One of the cheapest.

I would like to tell you something about
this. They make it seem to you out

there in television land that we're all
here with big turkey dinner or something

going.

These people are all called and my name
is mentioned like he don't care. He's at

home with his wife going, everybody
knows.

He doesn't know he's here right now.

But he's a millionaire, and he says,
hey, as a favor, I'll come down and

kid with the Jew for a couple hours.

I say to you, Dean, with all sincerity,
if Hitler goes to war, so help me, I'll

back the other side.

Can you imagine if Hitler was at war and
he was a general? Hey, I think we ought

to attack.

But I'd like to say, I'd like to clear
up a matter right off the bat and tell

you from the top.

Tonight I'm very delighted because this
is a long road.

I had my first big break on the Dean
Martin show through Dean and Greg

his producer, when they put me on the
show for the first time with every

celebrity in Hollywood, and I was
completely soaking, perspiring to the

me. And I'd like to say right out in
front, so it's not lost in tape, that I

thank you, Dean, really, because if it
wasn't...

Your wonderful belief, believing in me
and Greg, really, maybe this day would

not have come about.

And I'm forever grateful to you.

I've been, I've been, Gene said he'll
drink to that. God bless you, Gene.

His lovely wife sits by the bed every
night saying, try to reach the medicine.

When you go this time, a lot of women
are going to collect.

No, he's got a lovely wife.

What's her name?

Catherine.

She's a lovely girl. You'll find her in
the lobby later going, would you buy me

a sweater?

Probably strictly broad. It's
embarrassing, really.

I'd like to say, going down the line,
first of all, Nipsey Russell...

A dear friend. Many, many times you've
asked to hang out with me, but I felt it

embarrassing.

I being with you, I don't need no
watermelon truck around me.

And don't put that over your head. A
couple of guys from Georgia will come up

here.

But I love you, Nipsey. Black or white,
it doesn't matter to me.

Our society today, we are all brothers
in arms. As Nipsey told you people out

there, we just got to get America to buy
that.

I love Nipsey.

Oh, we have a seal in the crowd.

I'd like to say to Tully Savalas, from
the bottom of my heart, really, Tully, I

kid you, I've never liked you as an
actor.

And Tully is the kind of guy with no
money that keeps saying to the Russian

girls, you won't fool around.

His wife is listening in, that's
inhuman, because he has a wonderful

a wonderful wife, and Tully and all of
us in Yugoslavia were lonely, and we

thought of our wives constantly.

May we be paralyzed, God forbid, if we
were alive.

But being in Yugoslavia, the biggest
excitement we had was watching Tito's

go to the bathroom.

So you must understand.

Bob Newhart made the claim that he was
my closest friend. I have never met Bob

Newhart.

I'll put it to you another way. Bob
Newhart goes to many gay parties.

That's why you hear him going, uh, uh,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to

dance?

Cliff Robinson is a fantastic actor.
Cliff is sort of like Clint Eastwood.

of down, kind of, well, you died, Cliff.
That's what you did.

Cliff is the type of guy, you're in a
raft, and you're alone, and you're a

survivor, and Cliff Robinson is the guy
with you, and you want the shark to bite

you on the tushy so you have a little
excitement.

But you're a fantastic actor, Cliff.
You've told me that many, many times.

And I wish you and your career a lot of
luck, really. You're marvelous. And

thank you for coming. We've been so
close.

I met the guy once buying a paper.

Well, thanks, Cliff, for coming by. I
know how busy you are with your busy

schedule, standing by the studio gate at
Warner Brothers saying to the cop at

the gate, won't anybody see me?

Cliff, good luck to you. Rowan and
Martin, you were completely bad.

But I say this to Dick and Dan, one of
the great teams. They hang out together.

When Dan went on his raft around the
world, Dick was saying, I hope the wind

shifts.

But they're a great team. They've had
great success. They're going to be on

again this year.

Look at this. They both went, are we?

I don't know.

I hope not.

But I love you both, and you're
marvelous men.

Jack Klutman, I say from the bottom of
my heart, Tony Randall feels he can work

alone in the series.

You are annoying.

I never knew you had that much hair. You
can't even tell.

You see Jack Klugman in real life, you
can feel of him in Tully Savalas.

Joey Bishop, we won't bother you. I know
you're just resting.

You kid, Joey. I know him a long time.
And I said to Joey when I got married, I

said, Joey, I got married. He said, hey,
you want to see my car?

Joey and Cliff Robinson could hang out
together.

You too, you could just sit in a steam
room and watch towels roll up.

Lorne Green, one of the great Jewish men
of our time, who was kind of funny

because we all have backgrounds and he's
a great American and to be Pop

Cartwright and stand around, it always
struck me funny to see this man in

Bonanza saying, all right, boys, let's
get the horses up. No Jew rallies horses

around.

No way. We sit in a big wagon and go,
bring those horses over here.

Rich Little, someday you gotta do you
and maybe your wife will leave you.

You're a magnificent man, Foster Brooks.
I cannot say your talent goes without

speaking. You are a marvelous man,
really.

Pat Henry is my dear friend. He knows
Frank Sinatra personally. In fact,

that close. When Frank takes his car
out, Pat runs in front of the car and

checks for mines.

that kind of loyalty anymore.

Frank did say to say hi to you, Dean.

I know how much it means to you.

He's the kind of guy you can save off a
bit.

Frank Sinatra was hit by a bus. Well,
I'm going to take my nine -iron and

Leave. And then Frank's going to hear
your attitude and you're going to wind

in a hook in a garage in Chicago.

Anyway, look at that. The big Irish guy
went, what does that mean, Rose?

You Irish guys, they don't know
anything. You just know how to go on a

and take a can of beer and go... Well,

we need the Irish.

Because we ain't going to put out no
fire. You can better know.

Well, isn't it the truth? Get in there,
Captain Duffy! Get in there, Quinn!

Get that fire out!

And the Jewish guys are usually outside.
More wood, Herbie. More wood.

And the black man's on the corner going,
I bet we get blamed for this, too.

And the Polish kid's going, for what?

I'm a nice guy.

Son of a gun, when you fool with a wife,
you must light a match and blow up.

And last but not least,

Captain Cernan, I was overjoyed that
this man would be here tonight.

I must say, I was at the launch when
Apollo 17 went to the moon.

Many of us forget.

Great courage and great Americans at a
time of need with our country today, and

I do not preach politics or just try to
do jokes, but in this man I take

exception because he is a delightful,
wonderful, great hero.

And I must tell you, ladies and
gentlemen, to see that rocket take off

launch pad and to be with his family and
his dear ones.

And to watch this great, wonderful human
being call me the night before and say,

Hey, Don, we're going to go to the moon
to listen. Why don't you go over to the

Tiki Club or what have you with the wife
and have a couple of drinks?

It was so casual and so beautiful that I
just stood in awe, and I was mesmerized

by this great hero.

I say to all of you Americans, and not
to embarrass you, Gene, I thank you for

being here tonight.

Most important, these are all
performers, but you are really

gentlemen. I thank you for coming.

I want to... Dean just said, I'll go to
the moon tonight.

You would, but nobody would look up.

I must say, from the bottom of my heart,
really, and Kirk Douglas, who was so

kind to appear here tonight. Kirk was a
dear friend. I was over his house one

night, and we had dinner, and I said,
Kirk, how do you feel? He said, how does

my body look?

And I said, wrinkled.

I don't know what I said, but you keep
playing everything back.

Just keep drinking and say to yourself,
your voice is not dumb.

He's wonderful, though. Can you tell
he's 68?

Anyway, Captain, his young wife's in the
back. Is that how old he is?

Do you remember the joke?

Tomorrow he dies.

I must say, on behalf of my dear wife
that Foster Brooks made some comments

about, she is a lovely lady.

When we were married, I will never
forget, on the wedding night, she looked

me and went, this is exciting.

In all honesty, to all you married folks
out there, I say from my heart, my

wife, I married a value.

A valium. They're going in the back. The
Puerto Rican kid went, what the valium?

And the Mexican guy went, that's
something you planted, dumb son of a...

guys.

And the Italian guy, here's your valium.

Anyway... By the way, Phyllis Diller,
who I love, really, when she was born,

she must have hit the hospital wall.

why the hair is, you know.

She'd come out and the doctor would, oh,
we missed Charlie.

And I've seen many beautiful women in my
lifetime.

Phyllis, help her.

She's a lovely comedian and a dear
friend and a wonderful husband. Donovan

couldn't be here tonight. His cape blew
up.

On the wedding night, he stood on top of
the sink and went, Batman!

I can say anything I want.

Stan, Dan Rowan's sitting here going,
you can't say that.

What am I going to do? You did on your
special and here he is, Charlie and his

monkey.

Anyway, which wasn't bad because that'll
be picked up.

Anyway, I'd like you to know that on
behalf of my wife, Barbara, my dear

in Florida, who I love dearly, and I
spoke to her on the phone tonight. I

Mom, I'm going to be on Dean Martin's
show. And she said, send him my love.

She used to know Gabby Hayes.

Anyway, but on behalf of my manager,
Joseph Scandori, one of the great

really. He's not here tonight. His ice
truck blew up.

On behalf of my manager, Mr. Scandori,
my darling wife, Barbara, my mother,

my two children, my mother -in -law, and
my family, I have been blessed with one

thing. My humor is aggressive. It is
nonsense.

The new hearts are dear friends.

The Maroon and Martins, everybody on
this day is tonight.

has made me feel a little bit important.

Each day as an actor, when you take an
approach with an image of being

aggressive and strong, you must wake up
every morning as my father said.

He said, Don, when you're different,
your heart is open to a little ache. But

remember, when you're different, you
might capture all the stars, but the

world will not rally around you, but you
have a chance of having them notice

you. So go home at night, put your head
on the pillow, and thank God for what

you've attained.

And maybe God will look down and say,
hey, I am grateful to you, son, for

something different. I like to think
that I am different. I like to think

the public will understand me. If they
do, I am grateful. To all of you, I wish

you what I have, as I say in my
performance when I appear.

People around you who care.

That's our show for tonight. I'd like to
thank our guests. And a very special

thanks to our man of the week, Don
Ripples.

A man who's free of all prejudices.

He hates everybody equally.

Good night, everybody. I'm on my way
home, Catherine.

I'm off to hot chocolate.