All language subtitles for Dean Martin Dennis Weaver

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and
laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded
roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld
Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here
tonight. They are in Las Vegas in

as Dean Martin honors our man of the
hour, Dennis Weaver, with tonight's

Bilburn Stone, Amanda Blake, Rick
Little,

Steve Forrest,

Zsa Zsa Gabor, Kelly Winters, Milton
Burrell, George Hamilton,

Red Button,

Martin Milner, Nipsey Russell, J .D.
Cannon,

Mike Tunner, Georgia Engel, William
Conrad, Tina Gray,

Sheldon Leonard, Jim Hutton, and your
Roastmaster, Dean Martin. And tonight's

very special man of the hour, Dennis
Weaver.

Dennis, a lot of your friends couldn't
be here tonight.

Boy, are they lucky.

So they sent some wires, and I'd like to
read a few of them.

Dear Dennis, we love having you on the
New York City Police Force, and

we'll do everything in our power...

to see that you remain with the New York
Police Department.

Signed, the New Mexico Police
Department.

Oh, and here's one with heart and
tendons. It says, Dear Dennis,

get off my back. Signed, your horse.

Here's another one from your pal Jim
Arneas.

He's 6 '12", you know.

Dear Dennis, never had the opportunity
to tell you how much I admire your

courage in quitting a show, a hit show,
like Gunsmoke.

I was totally surprised that you're
leaving because I just found out about

this morning.

He needs no introduction, so to hell
with him.

The reason I say to hell with him is
because he didn't show up, that's why.

So ruling that along, you all know that
William Conrad plays a fat

detective named Canyon.

But you may not know that he almost did
another cop show based on his weight.

Hawaii 500.

I've seen a lot of television,

big guns.

Now here's the howitzer, Ken.

Good morning at the health club here at
the MGM Grand.

You want to know something? It's the
first time I've ever seen anyone go

directly from push -ups to intensive
care.

Dennis has a reputation for being a
family man, a health enthusiast, and an

-round nice guy.

And because I'm a private detective, I
was asked to shadow Dennis Weaver for a

whole day and find out what he is really
like.

Here is my report.

5 .30 a .m.

Subject awoke.

Did an hour of exercise and then did 30
laps in the swimming pool.

Observed that Weaver wears a bathing
cap, a little bikini for his mustache.

and uses Snoopy water wings.

By the way, the pool was built according
to Dennis Weaver's own personality.

It's completely shallow.

8 .30.

Weaver stopped at the home of Jim
Arnett, where he wrote obscene Western

expressions on the front door.

1 .30.

Weaver entered NBC to suggest his
hosting a comedy show.

1 .31, Weaver thrown out.

10 o 'clock, subject at home in his own
bedroom, he was being watched by a

peeping Tom.

No, the peeping Tom fell asleep.

Final evaluation.

After shadowing Dennis Weaver for 18
hours,

I find his shadow is a hell of a lot
more interesting than he is.

I'm having Shelly Winters with us
because she hates to do television.

These hot lights take all the stretch
out of her orthopedic stockings.

Miss Shelley Winters.

Thank you, Bill, for that lovely
introduction.

You know, fellow Americans, in this our
bicentennial year,

Congress has discovered that Dean drinks
so much they are trying to pass

legislation forbidding him to exhale.

They have at last found out that he is
destroying the ozone layer.

to look forward to coming here tonight
to roast and honor Dennis Weaver,

I probably know Dennis Weaver longer
than any person on this day.

Dennis and I met many years ago at the
Actors Studio in New York, and I saw

he had a great deal of acting potential.
Without any selfishness on my part, I

personally arranged for his screen test,
his first screen test. Isn't that

right, Dennis?

I don't add Lynn.

Dennis since our young days. You know,
Dennis' idea of a big evening now is to

go to a health food store, have a double
shot of carrot juice, and watch a

lettuce wilt.

In all the years I've known him, he's
only done one nice thing for me.

He didn't get me a part in Kentucky
Jones.

And the fact was that he never had to
use drugs to anesthetize the animals.

Because acting put them to sleep.

Actually, I shouldn't kid about Dennis's
acting.

He always takes his roles very
seriously. He's a trained method actor.

You know, he did a movie called The
Great Man's Whiskers. He played Abraham

Lincoln. And Dennis has started to live
the role of Lincoln.

As a matter of fact, the other night
here in Vegas, I heard him trying to

convince Gladys Knight to free the pips.

I'm going to plow Dennis at one of the
most demanding detective shows on

television. Each week for the past three
years, he's had to look for the plot.

There was a TV show called SWAT. I
thought it was about flies.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's one of the
stars of SWAT, Mr.

Steve Forrest.

I was asked here because of my lifelong
friendship with Dennis Weaver.

Whichever one of the gentlemen on the
desk that is.

Actually,

I was asked here basically because I
play a cop.

A real cop.

Not like most of the guys on the desk.

Private eyes.

No real toughness. I mean, look at
Mannix.

For ten years, no real excitement. Every
week, same thing with Mannix. He's

pushed out of the car at the end of the
first act.

He spends the rest of the show shaking
his head to clear it. And when he finds

out who he is, the show is over.

The cast is not bad.

He's pretty gutty.

He's got so much he can't find shorts
for them.

Real cops.

That's the kind of part to play. Not
Peter Graves in that Mission Impossible

phony stuff.

First two minutes of the show, Peter
listens to a record.

For the next hour...

He relaxes watching Greg Morris change
fuses while Peter Lupus holds up the

building.

Mr.

Red Butt!

Tonight I find myself on a dais with
five great detectives,

gathered here to solve the greatest
mystery of all times.

Why are we honoring Dennis Riva?

But I must say that I am a little
disturbed that they would give this man

roast when some of the greatest people
in the history of the world

Never got a dinner.

Never got a dinner, yes. I'll name him
right now. Billy Graham.

Billy Graham, who once said about Frank
Sinatra, there but for the grace of me

goes God.

Jumping up and down.

Jumping up and down.

Never got a dinner.

Willie Shoemaker, who once said to
Mickey Rooney, when you gonna grow up?

Network at a dinner.

Alexander Graham Bell, who once said to
Thomas Edison, how come there's no light

in his phone booth?

Believer, I don't know you too well, and
I certainly intend to keep it that

way.

I followed your career and I'm familiar,
very familiar with your many awards. I

remember when you got the Emmy for the
best supporting limp.

I don't even know how you got that limp.

You once tried to get something from
Kitty that didn't come in a shot glass.

Hey, here's a guy who can use any name
he wants on a motel register

and get away with it.

Mr. Rich Litter.

That McCloud outfit and Six Gun are
completely out of place in New York

I mean, when was the last time you heard
John Wayne yell, All right, partners,

we'll head them off at the Hotel Pierre.

And tell me, Dennis, don't you feel
embarrassed when you raid a building and

have to make excuses?

Well, I just, I mean, I just don't
under...

I just don't understand what you're
talking about. I mean, what do you mean

can't bring a horse into an elevator?

He ain't smoking in his face and front.

It's just not been a word, Dennis. I
mean, you should have stuck with gun

I mean, you were really great as Matt
Dillon's sidekick.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's true, Reg,
but I just got sick and tired of being

kicked in the side.

You know, I think your detective
character, Dennis, needs a completely

approach. Maybe a style like Peter Falk
in Columbo.

Ah, excuse me, sir. I, uh, I know that
you're the murderer.

Uh, so, uh, you'd better come with me
right away.

Oh, by the way, that's a really nice
-looking gun that you're pointing at me

with.

Now, Dennis, let's face it. That McCloud
character's just not gonna work. I

mean, it's about as out of place as
Truman Capote trying to be a detective.

Oh, Kremka.

have beaten within an inch of your life.

Because it's because of you I talk this
way.

You see, you're the creep who sold me
these tight shorts.

In fact, let me tell you something,
Dennis.

There's a lot of other people who could
give a completely different approach to

McCloud. For instance, Paul Lynn as a
detective.

Hi. Is that the victim lying there in
that Charisse the furry suit?

The cheap body shirt and the mocha suede
Gucci?

Well, I know what he died of.

Bad taste.

Many people in our industry have said
that Mike Connors is a

consummate thespian.

I won't contradict that because I don't
know what thespian means.

Boy, I wish I was here.

Hi,

Dennis.

Now, look, I don't know about the rest
of you on the days here, how you got

here, but as for me, I want to tell you
how Dennis got me here.

In my case, it all began with a letter.

At first, I thought this was just a
piece of junk mail. Then I saw it was

Dennis Weaver, and I knew it was junk
mail.

As I started to read this letter, it was
obvious to me that, well, Dennis was

actually kind of searching for some
people to be here on a date tonight.

Really looking.

No, I don't want to imply that he was
desperate, and he sent these letters to

lot of people.

But the invitation began, dear occupant.

If you bother reserving your room,
you'll be sharing my suite.

Well, let me tell you, folks, I am
sharing your suite, and I'll never do it

again. I mean, all night long, his horse
keeps kicking the blankets off of the

bed.

Oh, and Dennis, by the way, I think
you'd better rush out to the lobby.

Your horse was just picked up on a 502.
That's molesting a Mustang.

Ladies and gentlemen, my Hollywood
planet actors, Mr.

Milton Bergen, Stone, Stone Bergen,
Milton, Ruben, Frank.

Dennis, Amanda, this is really like old
times.

You know, you sitting there on your dubs
and me working.

As Gunsmoke started to go up in the
ratings, it was then the famous Dennis

Weaver ego was born.

I'll give you an example. A very short
time later, he came to me and he said,

Milburn, I'm going to have my own show
someday.

Well, I humored him.

I said, okay, Dennis, what's it going to
be called?

He said, Gunsmoke.

It was then that he started his
legendary Dump Our Nest campaign.

Don't believe it, Jim. Don't believe it.

He was sick of things at first, like he
turned out the lights while Jim was

cleaning his gun.

If anybody's wondering why Jim isn't
here, well, Dean asked me to invite him,

and I did.

Jim said, well, he'd like to come on the
show, but he didn't know what to do.

I said, well, all you have to do is come
on the show and insult Dennis.

Say nasty things about him.

And he says, what show is it, to tell
the truth?

Eventually, Dennis rode out of Dodge
City for the last time.

Now, for the rest of us on the show,
after we'd polished off all the

we put up some barricades to make sure
he didn't change his mind.

Years ago on the Gunsmoke series, they
auditioned a lot of dance hall girls for

the Long Branch Saloon.

With us tonight is one of those young
girls who, you know, one of those young

dancing girls.

Here she is to tell us her very unique
story. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Gladys

Ormstein.

my name.

I heard what he said about me backstage.

He told everybody I looked like a gold
digger.

John Sutter.

Oh, Roman Rummy, be quiet.

You could have had all of this also,
Dennis.

That's right.

I offered him my... lips, my heart, my
soul, but he decided to go for what's

behind door number two.

And he got what he deserved, a toaster
and a picture of George Hamilton for his

wallet.

I'll never forget the day I auditioned.
I walked out on that long branch stage

in my leotards. Ah, oh, there's John
over there.

I tell you, I turned out a few heads.
And quite a few stomachs.

He told me I was beautiful.

He made my bosom swell.

That was something I always wanted.

A swell bosom.

You know, I could tell him completely
why.

I don't know. He was so conceited. Every
night, he'd walk into the girl's

dressing room and say, Dennis, anyone?

You know, I remember the first gift he
gave me. He asked me if I wanted a fur

coat. I said yes.

So he gave me a razor and told me to...

Christmas, he shoved me into a bowl of
cheese dip.

All those years, do you think it was fun
for me going with a guy who's got a

limp? I'll tell you, it was a drag.

just to come here.

Lovely.

Our next guest, Nipis here, Russell.

He a black performer.

He's the only black comedian without his
own situation comedy.

And here's one of the funniest guys in
show business, my pal.

I only have one thing to say to you, Mr.
McCloud.

Don't ride that damn horse through
Harlem no more.

The black people in Harlem were
celebrating they were playing James

record. Say it loud, I'm black and I'm
proud.

And here he comes on the horse.

Do you know they thought you were the
white knight and that you were going to

make everybody white?

Now, it's very beautiful to be black.
Nobody wants to be bleached.

Now, I just want to direct most of my
commentary to this assemblage of great

television policemen.

Gentlemen, your concept of law
enforcement is all wrong and the jury

joke.

How can you lock 12 men and women in a
hotel overnight and they come out and

say, not guilty?

Now, since they have announced the
budget crisis in New York, we black

have learned something about the police.

We didn't know the city was paying them,
too.

Well, you know, it's not just in New
York.

Right here last night at the MGM Grand
Hotel, we got a phone call. It said,

hurry over with help.

There's a burglar trapped in Toadie
Fields' house, and we think there's a

for sexual violence. Hurry up. We said,
we're coming. Is this Toadie Fields

talking? He said, no, this is the
burglar.

I have totally omitted any reference to
the whole gun smoke thing.

There's been a great disservice done to
my people in the historical context of

all the westerns on television.

Now, you know General Custer was black
when he got his little big horn

and saw all the Indians in the world
waiting for him. Then he turned white.

So I say to you, McLeod, go on with your
great theory.

losing streak.

Because even if your ratings fall down,
Colombo will pick them up next week.

It's a pleasure for me to introduce the
poster girl for Cartier,

the lovely Miss Zsa Zsa.

Oh,

Robert, all of your shows, and I love
them.

But you know what you really need is a
policewoman for a partner like me.

After all, who knows more about getting
her man than I do?

And I will be a very honest cop. Who can
afford to bribe me?

Believe me, I know all about police
work.

I always hear you say, 10, 40, 9, 11, 2,
36.

I have been in every one of those hotel
rooms.

Let's face it, darling. Nobody could
ever accuse me of carrying concealed

weapons.

I'm Dennis, darling. I'm an original
member of the SWAT team.

S -W -A -T.

Sailbeak at Tiffany's.

I love you.

We're staying here at the MGM Grand
Hotel in the honeymoon suite as an

instructor.

She is the sweetest and the nicest lady
you have ever

seen. In fact, she's so nice that
whenever she breaks an egg, she sends a

get -well card to the chicken.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I thought and I thought and I
thought, but I still couldn't zing

the producer gave me things to say about
the people on the dais.

Some raps, some slams, and some put
-down stick.

Here's the first one.

I see Milton Berle sitting over there in
a tuxedo. I guess his dress didn't come

back from the cleaners.

That was a good zinger.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Berle.

I don't know why they keep on poking fun
of you because you wear dresses on

television. I've always thought you have
a lovely figure.

Well, here's another thing.

And how do you like Zhai Yago Boy's hair
color? I don't know where she gets it

done, but last week I saw her coming out
of Earl Shire.

They're very nice. Their hair looks so
perfectly natural, especially at the

roots.

Damn it. Dean Martin was recently
honored in Hollywood where they put

names on the sidewalk.

Dean was the first one to get his name
in the gutter.

The most terrible thing to say, Mr.
Martin.

I can't picture you anyway except spread
out on the sidewalk.

And now, we come to our guest of honor,
Dennis Weaver.

Dennis is really a health nut.

In fact, he eats so much health food
that when he dies, he's not going to be

buried, he's going to be blended.

Just before the show, he gave me one of
his health drinks.

Half of it was desiccated liver,
brewer's yeast, and texturized vegetable

protein, and the other half was tomato
juice. It's called a bloody mess.

Ladies and gentlemen, a glamorous lady,
a fine actress, the queen of gun smoke,

Miss Amanda Bliss.

Thank you, Dean. You know, I always love
to do your show here at the MGM Grand.

It's really the most magnificent place
in Las Vegas.

It makes all the other hotels look like
the Long Branch.

Dennis, of course, created the part of
Chester, a slow -wooded character with a

limp. In doing so, he drew upon his past
experiences.

The limp he perfected during the war,
when he appeared before his draft

That was Chester, slow -witted with a
limp. Not to be confused with the real

-life Dennis, who does not limp.

Of course, Dennis became immensely
popular as Chester, but his success

change him. He still treated us with the
same petty jealousy he always had.

For example, Milburn, Jim Arness, and I
all had air conditioners in our dressing

room. So Dennis demanded that he wanted
one too, but they turned him down

because they were afraid the horses
would catch cold.

But things have changed for Dennis. He's
the star of his own series, McCloud.

Now he has a huge dressing room with air
conditioning and a barrel of Dristan

for his horse.

By the way, Amanda has no relation to
Robert Blake.

Robert asked me to say that.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of TV's most
popular and most capable actors, my

wonderful buddy, Mr.

Peter Gray.

Why didn't you hear that I'd say a lot
of nice things about Dennis?

But I told him that I'm through with
Mission Impossible.

Well, I'm happy that tonight I'm the one
who gets to tell you that the

Patrolwomen's Benevolent Association has
voted you the best -looking police

officer on television.

I was supposed to present you with the
award tonight, but they're having

getting it back from last year's winner,
Carl Molden.

Now, just before the show, I was talking
with the president of that group, and I

agree with her. I think that McCloud has
been the victim of a lot of cruel and

undue criticism tonight.

I've seen every one of your shows, and I
love both the plots.

Now, everybody watches McCloud these
days, of course. In fact, McCloud's

are so good that they're planning a
spinoff, and it's based on Dennis'

relationship with his girlfriend,
Barbara.

It's called The Rookies.

Dennis Weaver doesn't really hang from
helicopters, jump from buildings, and

chase people on horseback. He has a
stuntman to do all those dangerous

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Dennis
Weaver's stuntman, a guy with real

and nerves of steel, Mr.

Foster Brooks.

I've been a clown man on the cloud right
from the very beginning.

And you do you.

And you know why?

Because he's chicken.

Now let me tell you a few things about
the fainthearted fuzz.

And you want to know something else
about Dan?

He's afraid of horses.

You think he's not scared? He won't even
get on one unless he's wearing pampers.

You want to know something else about
him? That isn't even his

voice.

His real voice was extremely hyper, high
-pitched.

For a long time, he was known as Denise
Weaver.

One tiny bit of information regarding my
job.

As you know, the inadequate investigator
here has three kids.

That was my greatest stunt.

the man who pioneered television, Mr.
Tuesday Night, and I say,

Mr. Milton Berle.

You call me Mr. Tuesday Night? It's
funny, that's what my wife still calls

I, uh...

You did it again, Dean.

What a night. There's more losers at
this table than there are out there in

casino.

It's like a live wax museum.

Look who's the man of the week.

Dennis Weaver.

Poor soul. He thinks the happy hooker
specializes in needlepoint.

Instead, Dennis, I have regards for you
from Guy Lombardo.

He told me when he dies, he's going to
take New Year's Eve with him.

That's a joke I used 30 years ago.

And there's not too many things I used
30 years ago that I can still use, but I

would like to.

I hear you feel like a new man.

And look, wait, Dennis.

Will you look at me, please, please?

Look at the people that showed up for
you tonight. Bill Conrad, where is he?

Sitting over there under very difficult
circumstances.

Any minute he could give birth.

In the front, he looks like Toadie
Fields in the back.

And then there's lovely Ruth Fuzzy, the
fashion coordinator for the Walton

family.

We could make Veil popular again.

George Hamilton.

Hamilton is the only one I know that
makes movies that are immediately shown

the late, late show.

Manic. Great detective.

He couldn't find Raquel Welch in a phone
booth.

Hillary Queen. Jim. Jim, stop talking to
that beautiful girl.

The star of Hillary Queen.

He has the only show that's lifted in TV
Guide in pencil.

Nipsey Russell sitting over there
smiling at everybody with Burt

teeth.

Look at him. Nipsey has gums that shine.

Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said
Nipsey and Shine in the same voice.

I want to tell you about your friend.
Remember us, the defiant ones?

What is Amanda Blake doing here besides
being a... I mean, she doesn't need

this. She's a very rich woman. She made
a fortune endorsing kitty litter. And I

think...

Here's another one you may not care for.

I, uh... I'm...

I'm laughing at that joke because I
heard it.

I, uh... Glad to see the two and only
Zsa Zsa

sitting over there wearing a rented
bracelet.

girl, Tasha.

My girl.

Everybody's girl.

Tasha's been around so many times she's
got rice marks on her face.

It's an old joke. Who am I talking to?

Sally Winter?

Lovely, she and I go back a very long
time.

Shelly used to travel with the Tommy
Dorsey Band.

She didn't sing, she just liked to
travel with the band.

And now we get to our gist of honor.

When they call out the names of the
great actors,

Marlon Brando, Sir Lawrence Olivier,
Paul Newman, Dennis, you'll be there.

Listening.

One of the most respected and talented
stars.

and actors of our profession, Mr.

Dennis Weaver.

You know, I really, honestly, I really
didn't think it was possible for a group

of entertainers like yourself to get
together and do funny jokes about me for

hour. And I was right.

You know, I look forward to being here
because, well, to be very truthful with

you, I feel a great kinship with Dean.

We both love doing Westerns. We both
have a 10 -gallon hat, except Dean's has

cork in it.

Anyway, I'm happy to see my friend Peter
Graves here.

As you know, Peter, Dean's on that
truck.

You can see, you can see a very definite
family resemblance.

They're both out of work.

And Milburn Stone, my old friend from
Gunsmoke, Milburn Stone,

you know, I tell you that, Milburn, he's
really got a down -home sense of humor.

And I think that's where he left it.

And Georgia Engel. Oh, listen, I always
watch you on the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Always. I really like that Georgia.
She's so friendly. You know, She starts

-alongs in crowded elevators.

And gracing this dais tonight is another
alumnus of Gunsmoke, Amanda Blake.

You came here out of affection.

You also came here out of material.

And Bill Conrad, I remember when they
roasted you on this show.

I didn't think they could find a
rotisserie that was big enough.

Nixie Russell, you are the best at what
you do.

I just wish I knew what it was.

I knew that I'd see Shelly Winters here.

Last night, three o 'clock in the
morning, I saw Shelly. She's getting

elevator with a handy six -pack.

She had three guys under each arm.

You know... if there's anything that
makes me sad and sometimes makes me a

little mad, it's hearing people say that
Milton Berle isn't funny.

You know, I mean, heck, he knows that.

Steve Forrest, you know, he's the star
of SWAT, SWAT. Every week, he breaks

doors, he knocks people over, and he
holds a gun on them.

You know, just the same way that he gets
all of his jobs on television.

Marty Miller.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Marty, the fact that you flew
up here to the MGM Grand proves

something very, very special to me.

You need work.

Zsa Zsa.

Hey, you know, Zsa Zsa, you got more
laughs tonight.

than the last time you said, I promise
to love, honor, and obey.

And in conclusion, I'd like to say I
wouldn't be here at this MGM Grand Hotel

tonight with this dais if it weren't for
the fact that Shelly Winters helped to

discover me.

And Shelly, I'm going to get you for
this.

Oh, for goodness' sake!