Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here tonight. They are in Las Vegas in

as Dean Martin honors our man of the hour, Dennis Weaver, with tonight's

Bilburn Stone, Amanda Blake, Rick Little,

Steve Forrest,

Zsa Zsa Gabor, Kelly Winters, Milton Burrell, George Hamilton,

Red Button,

Martin Milner, Nipsey Russell, J .D. Cannon,

Mike Tunner, Georgia Engel, William Conrad, Tina Gray,

Sheldon Leonard, Jim Hutton, and your Roastmaster, Dean Martin. And tonight's

very special man of the hour, Dennis Weaver.

Dennis, a lot of your friends couldn't be here tonight.

Boy, are they lucky.

So they sent some wires, and I'd like to read a few of them.

Dear Dennis, we love having you on the New York City Police Force, and

we'll do everything in our power...

to see that you remain with the New York Police Department.

Signed, the New Mexico Police Department.

Oh, and here's one with heart and tendons. It says, Dear Dennis,

get off my back. Signed, your horse.

Here's another one from your pal Jim Arneas.

He's 6 '12", you know.

Dear Dennis, never had the opportunity to tell you how much I admire your

courage in quitting a show, a hit show, like Gunsmoke.

I was totally surprised that you're leaving because I just found out about

this morning.

He needs no introduction, so to hell with him.

The reason I say to hell with him is because he didn't show up, that's why.

So ruling that along, you all know that William Conrad plays a fat

detective named Canyon.

But you may not know that he almost did another cop show based on his weight.

Hawaii 500.

I've seen a lot of television,

big guns.

Now here's the howitzer, Ken.

Good morning at the health club here at the MGM Grand.

You want to know something? It's the first time I've ever seen anyone go

directly from push -ups to intensive care.

Dennis has a reputation for being a family man, a health enthusiast, and an

-round nice guy.

And because I'm a private detective, I was asked to shadow Dennis Weaver for a

whole day and find out what he is really like.

Here is my report.

5 .30 a .m.

Subject awoke.

Did an hour of exercise and then did 30 laps in the swimming pool.

Observed that Weaver wears a bathing cap, a little bikini for his mustache.

and uses Snoopy water wings.

By the way, the pool was built according to Dennis Weaver's own personality.

It's completely shallow.

8 .30.

Weaver stopped at the home of Jim Arnett, where he wrote obscene Western

expressions on the front door.

1 .30.

Weaver entered NBC to suggest his hosting a comedy show.

1 .31, Weaver thrown out.

10 o 'clock, subject at home in his own bedroom, he was being watched by a

peeping Tom.

No, the peeping Tom fell asleep.

Final evaluation.

After shadowing Dennis Weaver for 18 hours,

I find his shadow is a hell of a lot more interesting than he is.

I'm having Shelly Winters with us because she hates to do television.

These hot lights take all the stretch out of her orthopedic stockings.

Miss Shelley Winters.

Thank you, Bill, for that lovely introduction.

You know, fellow Americans, in this our bicentennial year,

Congress has discovered that Dean drinks so much they are trying to pass

legislation forbidding him to exhale.

They have at last found out that he is destroying the ozone layer.

to look forward to coming here tonight to roast and honor Dennis Weaver,

I probably know Dennis Weaver longer than any person on this day.

Dennis and I met many years ago at the Actors Studio in New York, and I saw

he had a great deal of acting potential. Without any selfishness on my part, I

personally arranged for his screen test, his first screen test. Isn't that

right, Dennis?

I don't add Lynn.

Dennis since our young days. You know, Dennis' idea of a big evening now is to

go to a health food store, have a double shot of carrot juice, and watch a

lettuce wilt.

In all the years I've known him, he's only done one nice thing for me.

He didn't get me a part in Kentucky Jones.

And the fact was that he never had to use drugs to anesthetize the animals.

Because acting put them to sleep.

Actually, I shouldn't kid about Dennis's acting.

He always takes his roles very seriously. He's a trained method actor.

You know, he did a movie called The Great Man's Whiskers. He played Abraham

Lincoln. And Dennis has started to live the role of Lincoln.

As a matter of fact, the other night here in Vegas, I heard him trying to

convince Gladys Knight to free the pips.

I'm going to plow Dennis at one of the most demanding detective shows on

television. Each week for the past three years, he's had to look for the plot.

There was a TV show called SWAT. I thought it was about flies.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's one of the stars of SWAT, Mr.

Steve Forrest.

I was asked here because of my lifelong friendship with Dennis Weaver.

Whichever one of the gentlemen on the desk that is.

Actually,

I was asked here basically because I play a cop.

A real cop.

Not like most of the guys on the desk.

Private eyes.

No real toughness. I mean, look at Mannix.

For ten years, no real excitement. Every week, same thing with Mannix. He's

pushed out of the car at the end of the first act.

He spends the rest of the show shaking his head to clear it. And when he finds

out who he is, the show is over.

The cast is not bad.

He's pretty gutty.

He's got so much he can't find shorts for them.

Real cops.

That's the kind of part to play. Not Peter Graves in that Mission Impossible

phony stuff.

First two minutes of the show, Peter listens to a record.

For the next hour...

He relaxes watching Greg Morris change fuses while Peter Lupus holds up the

building.

Mr.

Red Butt!

Tonight I find myself on a dais with five great detectives,

gathered here to solve the greatest mystery of all times.

Why are we honoring Dennis Riva?

But I must say that I am a little disturbed that they would give this man

roast when some of the greatest people in the history of the world

Never got a dinner.

Never got a dinner, yes. I'll name him right now. Billy Graham.

Billy Graham, who once said about Frank Sinatra, there but for the grace of me

goes God.

Jumping up and down.

Jumping up and down.

Never got a dinner.

Willie Shoemaker, who once said to Mickey Rooney, when you gonna grow up?

Network at a dinner.

Alexander Graham Bell, who once said to Thomas Edison, how come there's no light

in his phone booth?

Believer, I don't know you too well, and I certainly intend to keep it that

way.

I followed your career and I'm familiar, very familiar with your many awards. I

remember when you got the Emmy for the best supporting limp.

I don't even know how you got that limp.

You once tried to get something from Kitty that didn't come in a shot glass.

Hey, here's a guy who can use any name he wants on a motel register

and get away with it.

Mr. Rich Litter.

That McCloud outfit and Six Gun are completely out of place in New York

I mean, when was the last time you heard John Wayne yell, All right, partners,

we'll head them off at the Hotel Pierre.

And tell me, Dennis, don't you feel embarrassed when you raid a building and

have to make excuses?

Well, I just, I mean, I just don't under...

I just don't understand what you're talking about. I mean, what do you mean

can't bring a horse into an elevator?

He ain't smoking in his face and front.

It's just not been a word, Dennis. I mean, you should have stuck with gun

I mean, you were really great as Matt Dillon's sidekick.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's true, Reg, but I just got sick and tired of being

kicked in the side.

You know, I think your detective character, Dennis, needs a completely

approach. Maybe a style like Peter Falk in Columbo.

Ah, excuse me, sir. I, uh, I know that you're the murderer.

Uh, so, uh, you'd better come with me right away.

Oh, by the way, that's a really nice -looking gun that you're pointing at me

with.

Now, Dennis, let's face it. That McCloud character's just not gonna work. I

mean, it's about as out of place as Truman Capote trying to be a detective.

Oh, Kremka.

have beaten within an inch of your life.

Because it's because of you I talk this way.

You see, you're the creep who sold me these tight shorts.

In fact, let me tell you something, Dennis.

There's a lot of other people who could give a completely different approach to

McCloud. For instance, Paul Lynn as a detective.

Hi. Is that the victim lying there in that Charisse the furry suit?

The cheap body shirt and the mocha suede Gucci?

Well, I know what he died of.

Bad taste.

Many people in our industry have said that Mike Connors is a

consummate thespian.

I won't contradict that because I don't know what thespian means.

Boy, I wish I was here.

Hi,

Dennis.

Now, look, I don't know about the rest of you on the days here, how you got

here, but as for me, I want to tell you how Dennis got me here.

In my case, it all began with a letter.

At first, I thought this was just a piece of junk mail. Then I saw it was

Dennis Weaver, and I knew it was junk mail.

As I started to read this letter, it was obvious to me that, well, Dennis was

actually kind of searching for some people to be here on a date tonight.

Really looking.

No, I don't want to imply that he was desperate, and he sent these letters to

lot of people.

But the invitation began, dear occupant.

If you bother reserving your room, you'll be sharing my suite.

Well, let me tell you, folks, I am sharing your suite, and I'll never do it

again. I mean, all night long, his horse keeps kicking the blankets off of the

bed.

Oh, and Dennis, by the way, I think you'd better rush out to the lobby.

Your horse was just picked up on a 502. That's molesting a Mustang.

Ladies and gentlemen, my Hollywood planet actors, Mr.

Milton Bergen, Stone, Stone Bergen, Milton, Ruben, Frank.

Dennis, Amanda, this is really like old times.

You know, you sitting there on your dubs and me working.

As Gunsmoke started to go up in the ratings, it was then the famous Dennis

Weaver ego was born.

I'll give you an example. A very short time later, he came to me and he said,

Milburn, I'm going to have my own show someday.

Well, I humored him.

I said, okay, Dennis, what's it going to be called?

He said, Gunsmoke.

It was then that he started his legendary Dump Our Nest campaign.

Don't believe it, Jim. Don't believe it.

He was sick of things at first, like he turned out the lights while Jim was

cleaning his gun.

If anybody's wondering why Jim isn't here, well, Dean asked me to invite him,

and I did.

Jim said, well, he'd like to come on the show, but he didn't know what to do.

I said, well, all you have to do is come on the show and insult Dennis.

Say nasty things about him.

And he says, what show is it, to tell the truth?

Eventually, Dennis rode out of Dodge City for the last time.

Now, for the rest of us on the show, after we'd polished off all the

we put up some barricades to make sure he didn't change his mind.

Years ago on the Gunsmoke series, they auditioned a lot of dance hall girls for

the Long Branch Saloon.

With us tonight is one of those young girls who, you know, one of those young

dancing girls.

Here she is to tell us her very unique story. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Gladys

Ormstein.

my name.

I heard what he said about me backstage.

He told everybody I looked like a gold digger.

John Sutter.

Oh, Roman Rummy, be quiet.

You could have had all of this also, Dennis.

That's right.

I offered him my... lips, my heart, my soul, but he decided to go for what's

behind door number two.

And he got what he deserved, a toaster and a picture of George Hamilton for his

wallet.

I'll never forget the day I auditioned. I walked out on that long branch stage

in my leotards. Ah, oh, there's John over there.

I tell you, I turned out a few heads. And quite a few stomachs.

He told me I was beautiful.

He made my bosom swell.

That was something I always wanted.

A swell bosom.

You know, I could tell him completely why.

I don't know. He was so conceited. Every night, he'd walk into the girl's

dressing room and say, Dennis, anyone?

You know, I remember the first gift he gave me. He asked me if I wanted a fur

coat. I said yes.

So he gave me a razor and told me to...

Christmas, he shoved me into a bowl of cheese dip.

All those years, do you think it was fun for me going with a guy who's got a

limp? I'll tell you, it was a drag.

just to come here.

Lovely.

Our next guest, Nipis here, Russell.

He a black performer.

He's the only black comedian without his own situation comedy.

And here's one of the funniest guys in show business, my pal.

I only have one thing to say to you, Mr. McCloud.

Don't ride that damn horse through Harlem no more.

The black people in Harlem were celebrating they were playing James

record. Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud.

And here he comes on the horse.

Do you know they thought you were the white knight and that you were going to

make everybody white?

Now, it's very beautiful to be black. Nobody wants to be bleached.

Now, I just want to direct most of my commentary to this assemblage of great

television policemen.

Gentlemen, your concept of law enforcement is all wrong and the jury

joke.

How can you lock 12 men and women in a hotel overnight and they come out and

say, not guilty?

Now, since they have announced the budget crisis in New York, we black

have learned something about the police.

We didn't know the city was paying them, too.

Well, you know, it's not just in New York.

Right here last night at the MGM Grand Hotel, we got a phone call. It said,

hurry over with help.

There's a burglar trapped in Toadie Fields' house, and we think there's a

for sexual violence. Hurry up. We said, we're coming. Is this Toadie Fields

talking? He said, no, this is the burglar.

I have totally omitted any reference to the whole gun smoke thing.

There's been a great disservice done to my people in the historical context of

all the westerns on television.

Now, you know General Custer was black when he got his little big horn

and saw all the Indians in the world waiting for him. Then he turned white.

So I say to you, McLeod, go on with your great theory.

losing streak.

Because even if your ratings fall down, Colombo will pick them up next week.

It's a pleasure for me to introduce the poster girl for Cartier,

the lovely Miss Zsa Zsa.

Oh,

Robert, all of your shows, and I love them.

But you know what you really need is a policewoman for a partner like me.

After all, who knows more about getting her man than I do?

And I will be a very honest cop. Who can afford to bribe me?

Believe me, I know all about police work.

I always hear you say, 10, 40, 9, 11, 2, 36.

I have been in every one of those hotel rooms.

Let's face it, darling. Nobody could ever accuse me of carrying concealed

weapons.

I'm Dennis, darling. I'm an original member of the SWAT team.

S -W -A -T.

Sailbeak at Tiffany's.

I love you.

We're staying here at the MGM Grand Hotel in the honeymoon suite as an

instructor.

She is the sweetest and the nicest lady you have ever

seen. In fact, she's so nice that whenever she breaks an egg, she sends a

get -well card to the chicken.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I thought and I thought and I thought, but I still couldn't zing

the producer gave me things to say about the people on the dais.

Some raps, some slams, and some put -down stick.

Here's the first one.

I see Milton Berle sitting over there in a tuxedo. I guess his dress didn't come

back from the cleaners.

That was a good zinger.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Berle.

I don't know why they keep on poking fun of you because you wear dresses on

television. I've always thought you have a lovely figure.

Well, here's another thing.

And how do you like Zhai Yago Boy's hair color? I don't know where she gets it

done, but last week I saw her coming out of Earl Shire.

They're very nice. Their hair looks so perfectly natural, especially at the

roots.

Damn it. Dean Martin was recently honored in Hollywood where they put

names on the sidewalk.

Dean was the first one to get his name in the gutter.

The most terrible thing to say, Mr. Martin.

I can't picture you anyway except spread out on the sidewalk.

And now, we come to our guest of honor, Dennis Weaver.

Dennis is really a health nut.

In fact, he eats so much health food that when he dies, he's not going to be

buried, he's going to be blended.

Just before the show, he gave me one of his health drinks.

Half of it was desiccated liver, brewer's yeast, and texturized vegetable

protein, and the other half was tomato juice. It's called a bloody mess.

Ladies and gentlemen, a glamorous lady, a fine actress, the queen of gun smoke,

Miss Amanda Bliss.

Thank you, Dean. You know, I always love to do your show here at the MGM Grand.

It's really the most magnificent place in Las Vegas.

It makes all the other hotels look like the Long Branch.

Dennis, of course, created the part of Chester, a slow -wooded character with a

limp. In doing so, he drew upon his past experiences.

The limp he perfected during the war, when he appeared before his draft

That was Chester, slow -witted with a limp. Not to be confused with the real

-life Dennis, who does not limp.

Of course, Dennis became immensely popular as Chester, but his success

change him. He still treated us with the same petty jealousy he always had.

For example, Milburn, Jim Arness, and I all had air conditioners in our dressing

room. So Dennis demanded that he wanted one too, but they turned him down

because they were afraid the horses would catch cold.

But things have changed for Dennis. He's the star of his own series, McCloud.

Now he has a huge dressing room with air conditioning and a barrel of Dristan

for his horse.

By the way, Amanda has no relation to Robert Blake.

Robert asked me to say that.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of TV's most popular and most capable actors, my

wonderful buddy, Mr.

Peter Gray.

Why didn't you hear that I'd say a lot of nice things about Dennis?

But I told him that I'm through with Mission Impossible.

Well, I'm happy that tonight I'm the one who gets to tell you that the

Patrolwomen's Benevolent Association has voted you the best -looking police

officer on television.

I was supposed to present you with the award tonight, but they're having

getting it back from last year's winner, Carl Molden.

Now, just before the show, I was talking with the president of that group, and I

agree with her. I think that McCloud has been the victim of a lot of cruel and

undue criticism tonight.

I've seen every one of your shows, and I love both the plots.

Now, everybody watches McCloud these days, of course. In fact, McCloud's

are so good that they're planning a spinoff, and it's based on Dennis'

relationship with his girlfriend, Barbara.

It's called The Rookies.

Dennis Weaver doesn't really hang from helicopters, jump from buildings, and

chase people on horseback. He has a stuntman to do all those dangerous

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Dennis Weaver's stuntman, a guy with real

and nerves of steel, Mr.

Foster Brooks.

I've been a clown man on the cloud right from the very beginning.

And you do you.

And you know why?

Because he's chicken.

Now let me tell you a few things about the fainthearted fuzz.

And you want to know something else about Dan?

He's afraid of horses.

You think he's not scared? He won't even get on one unless he's wearing pampers.

You want to know something else about him? That isn't even his

voice.

His real voice was extremely hyper, high -pitched.

For a long time, he was known as Denise Weaver.

One tiny bit of information regarding my job.

As you know, the inadequate investigator here has three kids.

That was my greatest stunt.

the man who pioneered television, Mr. Tuesday Night, and I say,

Mr. Milton Berle.

You call me Mr. Tuesday Night? It's funny, that's what my wife still calls

I, uh...

You did it again, Dean.

What a night. There's more losers at this table than there are out there in

casino.

It's like a live wax museum.

Look who's the man of the week.

Dennis Weaver.

Poor soul. He thinks the happy hooker specializes in needlepoint.

Instead, Dennis, I have regards for you from Guy Lombardo.

He told me when he dies, he's going to take New Year's Eve with him.

That's a joke I used 30 years ago.

And there's not too many things I used 30 years ago that I can still use, but I

would like to.

I hear you feel like a new man.

And look, wait, Dennis.

Will you look at me, please, please?

Look at the people that showed up for you tonight. Bill Conrad, where is he?

Sitting over there under very difficult circumstances.

Any minute he could give birth.

In the front, he looks like Toadie Fields in the back.

And then there's lovely Ruth Fuzzy, the fashion coordinator for the Walton

family.

We could make Veil popular again.

George Hamilton.

Hamilton is the only one I know that makes movies that are immediately shown

the late, late show.

Manic. Great detective.

He couldn't find Raquel Welch in a phone booth.

Hillary Queen. Jim. Jim, stop talking to that beautiful girl.

The star of Hillary Queen.

He has the only show that's lifted in TV Guide in pencil.

Nipsey Russell sitting over there smiling at everybody with Burt

teeth.

Look at him. Nipsey has gums that shine.

Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said Nipsey and Shine in the same voice.

I want to tell you about your friend. Remember us, the defiant ones?

What is Amanda Blake doing here besides being a... I mean, she doesn't need

this. She's a very rich woman. She made a fortune endorsing kitty litter. And I

think...

Here's another one you may not care for.

I, uh... I'm...

I'm laughing at that joke because I heard it.

I, uh... Glad to see the two and only Zsa Zsa

sitting over there wearing a rented bracelet.

girl, Tasha.

My girl.

Everybody's girl.

Tasha's been around so many times she's got rice marks on her face.

It's an old joke. Who am I talking to?

Sally Winter?

Lovely, she and I go back a very long time.

Shelly used to travel with the Tommy Dorsey Band.

She didn't sing, she just liked to travel with the band.

And now we get to our gist of honor.

When they call out the names of the great actors,

Marlon Brando, Sir Lawrence Olivier, Paul Newman, Dennis, you'll be there.

Listening.

One of the most respected and talented stars.

and actors of our profession, Mr.

Dennis Weaver.

You know, I really, honestly, I really didn't think it was possible for a group

of entertainers like yourself to get together and do funny jokes about me for

hour. And I was right.

You know, I look forward to being here because, well, to be very truthful with

you, I feel a great kinship with Dean.

We both love doing Westerns. We both have a 10 -gallon hat, except Dean's has

cork in it.

Anyway, I'm happy to see my friend Peter Graves here.

As you know, Peter, Dean's on that truck.

You can see, you can see a very definite family resemblance.

They're both out of work.

And Milburn Stone, my old friend from Gunsmoke, Milburn Stone,

you know, I tell you that, Milburn, he's really got a down -home sense of humor.

And I think that's where he left it.

And Georgia Engel. Oh, listen, I always watch you on the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Always. I really like that Georgia. She's so friendly. You know, She starts

-alongs in crowded elevators.

And gracing this dais tonight is another alumnus of Gunsmoke, Amanda Blake.

You came here out of affection.

You also came here out of material.

And Bill Conrad, I remember when they roasted you on this show.

I didn't think they could find a rotisserie that was big enough.

Nixie Russell, you are the best at what you do.

I just wish I knew what it was.

I knew that I'd see Shelly Winters here.

Last night, three o 'clock in the morning, I saw Shelly. She's getting

elevator with a handy six -pack.

She had three guys under each arm.

You know... if there's anything that makes me sad and sometimes makes me a

little mad, it's hearing people say that Milton Berle isn't funny.

You know, I mean, heck, he knows that.

Steve Forrest, you know, he's the star of SWAT, SWAT. Every week, he breaks

doors, he knocks people over, and he holds a gun on them.

You know, just the same way that he gets all of his jobs on television.

Marty Miller.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Marty, the fact that you flew up here to the MGM Grand proves

something very, very special to me.

You need work.

Zsa Zsa.

Hey, you know, Zsa Zsa, you got more laughs tonight.

than the last time you said, I promise to love, honor, and obey.

And in conclusion, I'd like to say I wouldn't be here at this MGM Grand Hotel

tonight with this dais if it weren't for the fact that Shelly Winters helped to

discover me.

And Shelly, I'm going to get you for this.

Oh, for goodness' sake!