Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here tonight.

They're in Las Vegas in person as Dean Martin honors our man of the hour, Danny

Thomas.

With tonight's guests, Lucille Ball, Nick DeRusso, Jimmy

Walker, Charles,

Dean Kelly, Dan Murray.

Red Button.

Tina Dietrich.

Milton Berle.

Harvey Corman.

Orson Welles. Howard Cosell.

Don Knotts. And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

With tonight's very special man of the hour, Danny Thomas.

him at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas to honor

a great entertainer and a great Catholic.

As a Catholic, Danny is often compared to St. Paul, one of the dullest towns in

America.

Everybody knows Danny as a very religious man, but very few people know

performed miracles.

Later on tonight, he's going to prove it.

He's going to bring Don Knotts back to life.

Danny Palmer has been in show business as far back as I can remember.

And Danny, you haven't aged a bit.

But there's one thing I have to ask you. Is that a nose or a smog device you

got?

You should have seen his nose before you had it fixed.

His old nose can still be seen on television.

It's the little house on the prairie.

When he was a school kid in Michigan, He wasn't much of a student, but he was

voted the class humorist.

It was between him and Gerald Ford.

And I didn't know this until the other night during World War II.

An Italian family had him in the cellar for two years.

He was living in Detroit at the time.

After appearing in some amateur shows, Danny decided to leave Detroit and stick

his nose into Hollywood.

He could have done that without leaving Detroit.

Danny's got a great show.

And before I introduce my first guest, I just want to say Danny is a very active

church member.

I'm not saying he wears a halo, but in his church's Christmas pageant, Danny's

going to play one of Charlie's angels.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kid Darn Old Mike himself, Jimmy

Walker.

Danny Thomas, my man, he has been in the show business for a long time. The

first time anybody in my family ever saw him work live was when he did the warm

-ups for the Lincoln -Douglas debates.

Danny is associated with a hospital in Memphis called St. Jude's, I think we

know. But now he wants to open a new hospital for black people and call it

Dude's.

People wonder why Danny has such a big nose.

It's easy. That's where he carries his ego.

And Lucille Ball's here tonight, and I really like Lucille, because she always

gives breaks to underprivileged ethnic comedians, like Desi Arnaz.

I don't know.

Dina Dietrich has said, and I would say something about her, but you don't fool

around with Mother Nature.

Recently,

news programs have been using sign language for the hard of hearing and lip

readers. Here's a little Latin lady with a special message for the people who

read hips.

The coochie -coochie girl. Shadow!

something. I was watching you and you and I have, we are very much alike on

nest.

On the what? On the nest.

You got it?

We are?

I noticed that.

I mean under the skin. S -K -I -N.

S -K -I -N. On the skin. Because we are both hot -blooded Latins.

I saw Danny Thomas, he bumped into me in the street.

The second time I saw Danny Thomas, he bumped into me in an hotel lobby.

Then he bumped into me at NBC.

He never wanted to meet me. Just bump.

I was very happy. A long time ago I used to have accent, but not anymore.

So here he is.

Red button.

Thank

you.

It's a... Pleasure to be here.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, for Danny Thomas, a legend in his own mind.

A man who some years ago read in the papers that it takes $10 a week to

a kid in India.

So he sent them his kids.

A man who has talent.

that he's never used at any time.

A man who was recently inducted into Hollywood Wax Museum, as is.

So why are we throwing this man a dinner? Why are we throwing Danny Thomas

dinner?

You want to throw somebody a dinner? Throw it to Don Knotts. He can use the

calories.

Some of the greatest people in the history of the world.

Never got a dinner.

Never got a dinner.

Never.

Marcia Diane.

Marcia Diane, who once said to Sammy Davis, to me, you only look half Jewish.

Never got a dinner.

Robin Hood.

said to fry a tuck, take those sequins off your robe, we're merry, not gay.

The janitor of the 16th chapel who said to Michelangelo, at least use a drop

cloth.

The Boston strangler who once said, ring around the collar.

Mousy tongue.

Mousy tongue.

Yes, who died happy knowing that Dean and Jerry made up.

Jimmy Carter.

Jimmy Carter who said when the sound went off.

Those words was true today, as they were when he didn't speak them.

Danny, a lot of your friends couldn't be here tonight, so they sent some wires.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Congratulations to the man who taught me all I know about humility.

Signed, Muhammad Ali.

Dear Danny, thanks for doing such a good job with our material.

Signed, your original writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

I've seen Harvey Korman play a hundred different characters on The

Carol Burnett Show, and they're all great.

Harvey's with us tonight doing one of his best characters.

Ladies and gentlemen, Harvey Korman as Harvey Korman.

I mean, this is really thrilling for me, and especially to see my idol here. You

really are one of my idols. I mean, this man is fantastic. You know that he

always, always has gold diggers around him.

Always. I mean, they're always around him. He took a shower last night and

got wet.

I'm really glad to be here tonight. I actually am a very close friend of

Danny's. He can tell you he calls me Farfel. And I received... Farfel, right?

I received a special invitation from Danny.

Now, Danny's invitations are very tricky. In order to read them, you have

hold them up to a stained glass window.

Anyway, I've known Danny for years.

Really good friends. Ever since the day we used to be equals. Remember, Danny?

You know, even though Danny and I are really good friends, we don't see each

other very much. He lives in Beverly Hills, and I live at the beach.

And Danny never comes down my way. He gets very upset. He doesn't like the oil

spills.

So he keeps slipping every time he tries to walk underwater.

Anyway,

I was very happy to come here to Las Vegas to Danny. He said I was going to

his personal guest. He arranged a nice room for me, and he did. I thank you for

that, Danny. He showed me to the room himself personally, autographed the

for me.

As I said, we are very close, and we have adjoining rooms in the hotel, as a

matter of fact. And I never realized, Danny, I hope you don't mind if I share

this, that he does use quite a bit of dye up here.

And his washroom wasn't working very well, so he came across to my room to

his hair.

And my think looked ten years younger.

Our careers have been similar also. I've played many, many different characters

on the same show, and he's played...

the same character on many different shows.

Of course, I'd just like to say that I really do love Danny.

I've only been kidding about him.

And we're very good friends. We've...

We've known each other for many years.

And I must tell you in all sincerity that Danny is a great comedian, a

actor, a generous philanthropist, a wonderful human being.

But enough of that. I don't want to ruin his speech, so I'll do it.

Among real physicians, the practice

is second only in popularity to malpractice.

Here tonight, speaking in defense of AMA, American

Medics Anonymous,

is the eminent Viennese neurosurgeon, Dr.

Charlton Callas.

I've been listening to all of this, and all I want to say right now is you're

all sick.

I stand here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, between the hangover and the

overhang.

I ask

you, the audience,

somebody. Anybody.

To judge this man.

What legitimate doctor uses meat tenderizer before he operates?

Say Hong Kong.

The reason

this donkey wears a mask in the operating room is so his patients can

him later.

on Dr. Bedford's door says two to four.

Those are the odds about getting well.

Good night.

Mr.

Charlie Callaghan.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of Hollywood's superstars, actor, singer, director,

Mr. Gene Kelly.

Granny and I go back a long way to when we both made pictures for MGM.

I remember when Danny first came to the studio. He was a very well -known

nightclub comedian.

And within a few short years, he became a completely unknown movie actor.

I met Danny when the studio wanted us to do a musical together.

Now, Danny was perfect, except for one thing.

His feet interfered with his dancing.

But really, Danny, I remember when you finally got to do a picture, but

you know it, during the preview, the screen broke down, so they showed a

on Danny's nose.

Don't laugh.

That's how they discovered CinemaScope.

They didn't know what to do with Danny next, so they put him in a disaster

picture.

Then they realized that that was the only kind he made.

Well, Danny got lucky later on. The studio wanted him to put his imprint in

front of Grohmann's Chinese Theater.

You guessed it. It wasn't his feet. It was his nose.

But after the rain, kids in Hollywood still use it as a swimming hole.

Everyone thinks of Danny Thomas as a happily married family man.

But we've just learned that Danny has always

had another woman in his life.

A secret romance.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to tell her tragic story is that other woman,

Danny Thomas' longtime lover, Miss...

Gladys Armstead.

No, please. Yes, they are.

They're going to know the kind of man you are and the way you treat your women

in your life.

like what you just did to me.

Come on!

No, no!

I'll be singing soprano tomorrow.

As I tried to say before I was rudely

interrupted, you people out there don't know what it's like to be the other

woman in Danny Thomas' life.

Madam X!

with this face.

I suffered.

When we first met, he played hard to get, you know? I offered him my lips, my

arms, my body.

He said he was waiting for a better offer.

I was always second position. His wife always came first.

She always got the best.

He gives her silk lingerie. What did...

Let me tell you.

His wife he sent to finishing school. And where did he send me?

Just a nifty rock.

Lebanon is the land of the purebred stallion.

It's the land of dreams and promise, of the humble goat and the proud jackass.

And that's where we got Danny Thomas.

Now, let's not mention this marriage, because Dan... Danny is a man, a very

public spiritual citizen, and is valuable to any community.

When the ladies of the evening proliferated on the streets of Los

such shocking numbers, Danny was the first to say, I will drive the

out of this town.

When I saw him, he had two of them in the car, and they were headed out.

Now, he's a model husband. Danny really is a model husband. His wife said he was

a model husband.

And I didn't quite understand until I looked it up in a dictionary.

A model is a small representation of the real thing.

But I did think it was nice to know what the man's thinking is on many other

things. Before we got to talking about politics, I said, how do you feel about

it? He said, I want a man in the White House who prays.

At least half of the time we'll know where both his hands are.

A marvelous home. He invited me there. It's a sort of a split level cathedral.

I was so anxious to get there, I ran through two red lights. And that was

in your driveway, Danny.

Finally, he was showing me around. I looked up and I said, good Lord, what a

beautiful mansion.

And a voice said to me, thank you, my son.

So I said, I'll move with your philosophy, Danny.

We know you're a heaven sent.

One day we'll carve your words in stone.

or bury you in cement.

This lovely lady, and she is lovely when you see her, Miss Dina Dietrich.

Closings up.

Before I go on, there is one thing I have to know. It's just been driving me

crazy. Excuse me just a minute.

Charo, is all that stuff in that dress you?

Huh?

Remember one thing.

It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

Since I play the nurse on the practice, I probably know more about Danny Thomas

than anyone else.

It is very easy dealing with Danny.

You come to the studio in the morning, kneel, kisses ring, and you're set for

the day.

When Danny wants something from you, he coos like a dove.

When he's angry, he screams like an eagle.

There are many times I've wanted to kill two birds with one stone.

Danny tries to make the show as medically authentic as possible. On the

has a skeleton hanging. Now, this is not one that he has rented.

Actually, it's an actor who died from malnutrition waiting to be paid.

Danny, you have been a star in nightclubs for 50 years.

You've been a star on television for 25 years.

You've been a producer for 20 years, and all I can say is, enough is enough, all

right?

Our

next guest

is one of the fastest talkers in the business.

His tongue moves quicker than a hummingbird's wings.

And his brain is only slightly smaller.

Humble Howard Cosell.

Thank you very much, Dean.

You know, folks, last night I was with O .J.

Simpson. Tonight I'm with Dean.

That's what we call going from the juice to the juicer.

You know, you've read about swine flu.

Dean is recuperating from a bad case of wine flu.

But as you can see, he's taking shots for it. I tip my hat to you, Dino.

That's better than having you tip your toupee.

And after the stew here, we move over to the roast ham.

You know, Danny, as I sat here in uncharacteristic silence, I was appalled

hear not one single friendly voice raised in behalf of this man's greatest

contribution to television.

That contribution?

His lovely daughter, Marlo.

State's father reaches the peak of his importance, ladies and gentlemen, when

his offspring makes her first public appearance in the maternity ward.

He urges the doctor to deliver his baby in time for the 11 o 'clock news.

At the 4 o 'clock showing in the maternity room window, he arranges for

have the spot next to closing.

But to paraphrase my peerless peer, the late Grant Lynn Rice.

And when that one great scorer comes to sum up all the fuss and bother, you're

listed, not as a leading man, but Marlo Thomas' father.

Well, you've been a real funny guy, and my buddy, Mr.

Jan Merrick.

Because Danny is a religious man, pious, devout, deeply spiritual, I have chosen

to read a few passages from the Bible this evening.

You have it right here. A Bible, incidentally, taken from Danny's own

One of the 200 I found there.

You ready? I'd like to read a few passages while Danny walks across the

In the beginning, there was earth and sky.

Then came thunder and lightning over the little city of Toledo, Ohio.

And down below in the home of a poor but honest Lebanese rug peddler, the

miracle of birth was taking place.

And such a miracle it was.

In one precious moment, the mother screameth.

The midwife tuggeth, and out into ye world cometh a seven -pound, twelve

nose.

The Almighty Lord was so impressed, he gathered his angels together, and he

said, Praying like that from one so young shall not go unrewarded.

Therefore, from this day on, the place of that infant's birth shall forevermore

be known as Holy Toledo.

Young Amos fell on his knees and he said, Who speaketh? Is it the Lord?

And the mighty voice thundered back, Nay, this is William of Morris of the

mighty theatrical agency.

And the voice thundered, Take heed, young Amos. To guide thee on thy path to

become a great star, I have here five commandments.

Thine must follow forevermore.

And young Amos in a hushed voice said, But master.

I thought there were ten commandments.

And William of Morris said, yes, there are, but we already took our commission

off the top.

And one cold, rainy night in a city called Detroit, Danny Stoppeth at a

church called Our Lady of Motown.

He went up to the altar and he prayed to St. Jude, the patron saint of hopeless

causes. Help me, St. Jude. I've tried everything and yet I'm a failure. Help

guide me to become a big star and I promise I'll build you a magnificent

hospital. And St. Jude said, why? I haven't been sick in 1 ,500 years.

And then he left the church.

downhearted, crestfallen, but then like a miracle, his star began to rise. The

5100 Club, the Shapery in Chicago, Le Martinique, the Copacabana in New York.

And again, St. Jude spoke to Danny of Thomas.

He said, Go ye west across the desert where ye shall find the promised land.

Danny started his sojourn. While crossing the desert, there was a mighty

sandstorm. Lashing winds, gusting sand, Danny of Thomas was lost.

He looked heavenward and cried aloud, Almighty Lord, am I to die in the sands?

And the voice answered, Yea, in the sands, in the desert.

After weeks of thirst and hunger, Danny entered into the promised land, Las

Vegas. The first person he met was the bad Samaritan, Dean of Martin.

So Danny of Thomas, from a humble tenement in Toledo, kept his promise to

Jude, and he built a shrine for himself in Beverly Hills.

My good friend, Mr.

Don Knotts.

I'll

tell you

something. It's easy to knock Danny Thomas, you know, make jokes about his

show, his family, his bad movies.

But there's one side of Danny that you have not really taken seriously here,

most important quality. You've gone around about it indirectly.

But not one of you has had the courage to come right out and talk about it and

say it directly.

And that's his close relationship, and I'm not afraid to say it, his close

relationship to G .O .D.

Go ahead, snicker.

I used to be a doubting Thomas myself.

But today, I am a believer.

And you know, Dean,

Danny was my boss on the Andy Griffith show.

And I'll never forget when I first went in his office, what a warm feeling there

was. I looked at his secretary and she was a real angel.

A real angel.

But I'll tell you something, when that show was canceled, he put his arm around

me, he gave me a new direction to the unemployment office.

I'll tell you something, Danny never let me down. He knew I needed a job, so he

got me one.

going door to door selling holy water from his swimming pool.

I tried to solve my problems different ways. I tried Oral Roberts, Bishop

Billy Graham, Charo.

What I really needed was a miracle, someone to believe in.

And one day I was playing golf with Danny Thomas, and he was putting, and

hole came to the ball.

God bless you, darling.

Mr. Orson Welles!

What is funny about Danny Thomas?

There was a prime minister in England whose name was Gladstone.

And it might be said of him that he was two profiles in search of a face.

There was so much nose.

I'm sorry to have used that word.

There was so much nose to him that if you turned him sideways, he looked as

though he were playing a saxophone.

A hostess had invited him to tea and she had a little girl who was going to join

the famous Prime Minister of England and be allowed to sit. And the hostess was

terribly worried that the little girl would say something about this

edifice in the center of Mr.

Gladstone's face.

She said, never mention it. Don't ask him why it's so big and don't ask him if

he was born with it. Don't say that word.

And so Mr. Gladstone came in and was presented to the little girl, and the

hostess sat down, put her hand on the teapot, poured the cup of tea, and then

said, Mr. Gladstone, will you have sugar or lemon with your nose?

I thought of that story because it's my ambition to make a short speech

about Danny Thomas without mentioning that proboscis.

He is, I think, a remarkable actor in the practice, and we know what a

benefactor he has been to everyone, and I want him to know that every word I've

said comes from the bottom of my nose.

Now I'd like to introduce something fluffy and delicious, a beautiful,

fascinating star.

Here she is, cotton candy on legs, Miss Lucille Ball.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, that was a very flattering introduction, Dean.

It's amazing how your drinking can go to my head.

I'm very happy to be here to honor Danny.

But you know, actually, I'm surprised because... Well, I'll tell you.

Recently, I did a guest shot on Danny's show, The Practice.

And, well, I wasn't happy with my part.

What happened?

You and Danny have words, Lucy?

Trouble was, I didn't have enough words.

Sure, sure. I had most of the dialogue, but after all, I play a doctor. Yeah?

Well, you could have played a surgeon the way you cut out my part.

I felt like a bowl of alphabet soup with all the letters removed.

You see, I've known you all my life. I mean, I cut myself in half for you.

Oh, no, no. The world is not ready for two Danny Thomases.

Tell me, Danny, did Mel Brooks write my part?

Why do you ask?

Because I thought I was doing a silent movie.

Look at the greats of show business.

Charlie Chaplin never said a word.

Well, he must have said something. He had eight kids.

We're making a federal case out of the whole thing.

Dean, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

I'd fall down even more than I do now.

Dialogue is everything.

A good actress doesn't need words. Words aren't important.

You know what the Chinese say.

Yeah, with three you get egg rolls.

I say one picture is worth a thousand words.

Only in Playboy.

Anyway,

I'm glad I'm here to add to the accolade that you've received this evening and

simply say that I know you're philanthropic, you're a compassionate

a credit to the human race, a great talent, and you're a very nice fellow.

Well, that's very sweet, Lucy, but you didn't have to say all that. All you

could have said was, just a nice fellow.

You see that?

He's cutting my part again.

Thank you.

You'd have to travel pretty far to find a better comic than Mr. Milton Berle.

I'll tell you that.

But it's worth the trip, ladies and gentlemen, and I really mean that,

he is a dear, dear friend of mine, sitting right over here, Mr.

Milton Berger.

Milton Berger!

Milton Berger!

Thank you, Jim. Thank you.

Well, I finally got on.

Did McGovern get elected yet?

Tonight, I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's next husband.

I know what I'm supposed to do, but how do you make it interesting?

I don't feel much like working anyway, because my wife ran away with my best

friend, and I miss him.

Everything has happened to me since I'm here at the hotel.

Coming through, listen.

Now, this is a truth. Coming through the casino yesterday, a woman walked over

to me, this is a true thing, with a little boy, and she said, can I have an

autograph for my little boy, Mr. Hope?

I said, my name's not Bob Hope. She said, what's the difference? The kid

read anyway.

Danny, with all your

money, I don't know why you would want to go back on TV.

But I tell you the truth, Danny told me that that's, you said it's your life.

Danny said to me, Milton, I'll die on the stage.

And I've seen him do it many, many times.

You're all probably wondering why I don't have a new show.

There's a good reason.

Yeah, you're old. I must

say,

for a man, who is on his way out, you look marvelous.

Not a wrinkle on his face.

There's no more room.

I can tell you that Danny, truthfully, is in very, very good health. A month

ago, he complained of terrible headaches, but the doctor unscrewed his

now he's fine.

This man that we are honoring tonight is a perfect physical specimen.

Especially. I wish I could talk like you, Orson. I really could.

And Orson, you're beautiful. You're beautiful.

Produces, directs, sings, dances, does magic.

How do you do all these things?

Magnificently.

Mine was better.

This man we are honoring tonight was even asked to pose, to pose in the nude

one of the girly magazines.

Imagine that. What is the world coming to, Dean? Would you take your clothes

for money, would you?

Is that a question or a proposition?

What do you think?

The way I've seen you swing a purse, I'm not sure, baby.

At least I can still swing.

It's always good. It's always good to see Lucille Ball here at these

Her husband, Gary Morton, would like to retire. But since nobody knows what he

does, he can't figure out what to retire from.

Lucy is a gang of woman to handle. Her first husband, of course you know, was

Desi Arnaz, the Cuban drummer, who married her and had a hit show and

rich. He went from bongo to bango to bingo.

This is a boy from the ghetto, Nipsey Russell.

Terrific performance. You see him, he was the shark in Joys.

Well, those were Nipsey's teeth.

I know.

I was kidding. Hey, you don't have to apologize, Milt. No, no, don't do that.

I'm happy to be here. They have only the most distinguished two, Jimmy Walker

and me.

That's great.

Oh, you mean the blacks?

Right. We had a contest in the ghetto to see who would represent Harlem on

Danny's roast, and we lost.

Oh, yeah.

Ruth Buzzy.

Buzzy. Buzzy.

She sounds like...

A bee in heat.

Nobody's perfect.

And Ruth is less than others.

Oh, by the way, Ruth just commenced... She just commenced second in a beauty

contest.

Don Knotts was first.

But Ruth has made peace with herself.

She has accepted the fact that her legs don't match Ann Margaret's.

A purse doesn't bother me.

They don't match Anne Margaret. She'd be very happy if her legs matched each

other.

Jamie is doing so well.

Just the other day, he got an offer to tear down his nose and put up a shopping

center.

And you are very fortunate in your domestic life, too.

He has a lovely wife, a great companion, and a romantic companion.

And if they ever found out about each other, they'll kick his brains out.

You're a good man.

I mean, you're a good man, a kind man, a religious man.

Do me a favor.

Would you do this for me?

The next time you talk to God, ask him...

to get me on the Hollywood Square.

Thank you very much.

How can I introduce our man of the hour?

A man who is highly respected in our profession.

As far as I'm concerned, I have to respect a guy who can walk on water.

I can't even walk on floors.

Ladies and gentlemen, our honored guest, Mr.

Danny Thomas.

thank you very much dean and thank you for the honor i've been sitting here for

a long time listening to your barbs and arrows but a man many years ago

once wrote if you've not been criticized booed or

jeered or such it's not because you have no flaws it's because you don't count

so much

I want to thank all of my beloved friends for making the time.

Thank you for tonight. I love you.

Thank you very much.