All language subtitles for Dean Martin Dan Haggerty (1977)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Seatbelt Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to
be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person. Joining Dean Martin as he honors
tonight's very special man of the hour,

Dan Haggerty.

With tonight's guests,

Denver Pyle, Red Button, Jimmy Walker,

Marilyn Michaels,

Roger Miller,

Foster Brooks, Lawanda Page.

Abe Vigoda.

William Conrad.

Rich Little.

Tom Greeson.

Orson Welles. Jackie Gale. And your
Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

With tonight, man of the hour, Dan
Haggerty.

I wish I was in better shape for this
occasion, but I must have had one too

last night.

Around four in the morning, I invited
Mr.

Haggerty's bear to my room.

And everything was beautiful until I
tried to remove her fur coat.

Grizzly, he arrived yesterday, you know,
and...

After driving down from the rugged
wilderness, he and his sidekick Denver

in the front seat and Ruth Busley tied
to the front fender.

Grizzly here is a real outdoorsman. As
soon as he got here, he drove into town

and picked up a couple of sleeping bags.

He was at the bar with them until about
two this morning.

I must say, my pal Kirk Kerkorian, or
Karkakarian, who owns this hotel, has

given Grizzly here first -class
treatment. They gave him a beautiful

a waterbed in it, and Grizzly loves the
waterbed. He got up at six this

morning, cut a hole in the bed, and went
fishing.

may not know this, but a few years back,
Grizzly and Orson Welles had their

beards mated and had a nine -pound
mustache.

Well, being a country boy, he isn't too
comfortable here. This is the first time

he ever sat at a table without flies.

He never eats meat. He lives on
Blackberry juice, huckleberry juice,

juice.

He's juiced all the time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rich Little.

Well, what do you say about a guy who...

Eats furniture for breakfast.

Uses fir trees as toothpicks.

But I happen to really like this big,
dumb jerk here.

But a lot of Hollywood heavies don't
seem to share that opinion.

When I asked Big John Wayne what he
thought of Grizzly Adams, Duke replied,

Bull feathers.

That's a frontiersman, Haggerty the Big
50.

His idea of roughing it on location is
to go into the Rockies without his hair

dryer.

The strongest violent man of many
outdoor epics, Jimmy Stewart, said,

Well,

I happen to like the program as far

as it goes.

The problem is it just doesn't go
anywhere.

Now, Jack Nicholson, who became a
biggie, as a rugged outdoor type said,

You know, one look at this dude and you
know right off he's a true man of the

soil. You know, a real son of the earth.

By that I mean he's a dirty old man.

And for a final opinion, I turn from the
real cowboys to the head honcho on the

Midnight Roundup, Johnny Carson.

first time I met Haggerty, he was
wearing a buckskin suit,

snakeskin suspenders, birch bark
sneakers, carrying a goose, and dancing

bear.

He was looking for the gong show.

You know, everyone thinks of Dan
Haggerty as living alone in a log cabin

surrounded by animals. But we've just
learned that Dan has had a woman in his

life for the past five years, a secret
fiancée. Ladies and gentlemen, here to

tell her intimate story of living in the
wilderness with her mountain man, Dan

Haggerty's secret fiancée, Miss Gladys
Grizzly Worms.

be.

look better than you.

You people don't know what it's

like living in the wilderness with this
groping grizzly.

I thought it was true, love. The first
time I saw him, my chest swelled.

That's the biggest swelling you ever
had.

You know, living with him wasn't easy.
When I first came to his cabin, the

animals built a fire to...

before.

Rabies shots.

Mr. Orson Welles.

roast to pay tribute to ladies and
gentlemen who've made significant

contributions to the field of
entertainment, people who've moved our

stirring songs, their magnificent
acting, or their rib -tickling comedy.

And who, let me go further, whom are we
honoring tonight?

Dan Haggerty is whom?

A man whose chief claim to fame is that
Marlon Perkins taught him to eat with a

knife and fork.

The bear already knew, Al.

It says here he was born in Hollywood
and then moved to Cucamonga.

You can see what a mental giant we're
dealing with.

Given the choice, who moves to?

Cucamonga. After all, Cucamonga itself
is an old Indian word that means let's

get the hell out of Cucamonga.

Here, Dan is always rescuing sick little
creatures who desperately needed help.

Now, I know this to be a fact.

Why, this weekend alone, he found a warm
blanket and a clean cage for Jimmy

Walker.

Here, the Hagerty biography builds with
thundering climate.

Dan marries his high school sweetheart,
has two children, becomes interested in

bodybuilding, is a devout
environmentalist, and climbs mountains.

Because they are there.

At least Dan climbs mountains that are
there.

Dean climbs mountains that aren't there.

your success because you, I believe you
never had formal dramatic training. You

never even studied with the actor's
studio.

Then I learned your secret.

Lucky for you, the bear is a
ventriloquist.

The magnificent Mr. Orton. Well, I give
you

red button.

Here's a man, lives with a bear, and
they give him a dinner.

Samson lived with Delilah, got a
haircut.

I lived with my first wife 11 years. I
got a summons.

I'm not knocking bears.

Bears are good people.

Do you realize that since they put those
smoky, the bear ads in the subways,

there hasn't been one forest fire in New
York City?

Why are we giving this man a dinner?

Why are we giving this man a dinner when
some of the greatest people in the

history of the world never got a dinner?

Billy Carter said to his brother, Jimmy,
can you get me on the gong show?

Never got a dinner.

Henry Ford, who with all his money never
owned a Cadillac.

about a dinner. Listen, let me give it
to you. Ponce de Leon, who said when he

found a fountain of youth, where the
hell are the paper cups?

Peter Minuit.

Pizza Minuit. Pizza, pizza, pizza
Minuit.

Who said to the Indians when he bought
Manhattan, will you take a check on a

Puerto Rican bank?

Never got a dinner. King Arthur.

I don't want to tell you his first name.
You're not going to believe it.

Melvin.

Melvin Arthur. That was his full name.

King Melvin Arthur.

Who said the queen went to be here.

Since you bought the round table, all we
get is pizza. Pizza.

He said, when Stanley found them, you
didn't have to search. I'm in the book.

Hyman Bluebeard.

Hyman Bluebeard, who said to Scotland
Yard, how do I know how many women I've

killed? I'm a murderer, not an
accountant.

to the children of Israel at the Red
Sea.

Take your galoshes. I never did this
trick before.

is becoming somewhat of a regular on our
roast, the comedy star of good times,

Jimmy Walker.

Dan lives in the woods in a small shack
with 20 animals.

Dan doesn't mind living with all those
animals, but it gets really rough when

their parents come to visit.

his television show, Dan's become quite
popular. Now when he goes to the zoo,

animals take pictures of him.

I like the idea that in your show,
you're now using a black bear.

Right on, brother.

What I want to know is, how come he's
always walking five feet behind me?

Well, that's tonight a real salty
character who on the Grizzly show

plays the part of his old buddy, Mad
Jack.

I'm just going to say Mr.

Denver Pyle because I've known him a
hundred years.

Denver!

Well, Dean.

Don't make fun of the beard.

This beard is what makes me look so
rough and tough and mean. After all, if

shaved it off underneath, you'd find
maybe Roddy McDowell.

Grizzly, I sure am flattered to have
been asked to speak here tonight on your

behalf.

But as Colonel Sanders once said to his
favorite chicken, I got a bone to pick

with you.

I'm what is known in show business as a
sidekick.

Now, a sidekick... I heard that.

Dean just said, why don't we all get up
there and kick him in the side?

And it goes without saying, there's no
chance in the world that the sidekick

ever gets the girl.

On our show, I don't even get the bear.

Of course, as a star of Grizzly Adams,
the producers had to see to it that

nothing happened to him. So they hired
our next guest, one of the most

fearless stuntmen in Hollywood.

Thank you, Dean.

First of all, let me say hello to the

star of... The star of Grizzly Adams.

A man known to millions. The great...
The great...

Dan Pagetti.

And this is my hello to Dan Pagetti.

Wesley fled to the woods because he was
accused of a crime he didn't commit.

But I swear this man has committed no
crime at all, unless you count his

Packard is so square, so clean living,
he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink.

And according to his wife, that's not
all he doesn't do.

Dan Haggerty's a coward, too.

He's so yellow, his wife uses him on the
porch as an insect light.

Dan Haggerty's a phony.

Dan Haggerty is afraid of blood.

Every time he looks into Dean's eyes, he
faints.

I shot tomato into the air.

It fell to earth, I know not where.

With us tonight is that terrific fellow
who plays the old tired cop on Barney

Miller and on his own show, Fish.

I'll tell you how old and tired a
detective Fish really is.

By the time he gets to the scene of the
crime, the criminal has already been

captured by Beretta.

Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest of
New York's finest, Mr. Abe, the godot.

It's an honor to be here to say a kind
word or two about Grizzly, which is a

hell of a name for a grown man.

Who am I to complain?

My name is Fish.

If you want to talk about danger,
Grizzly, let's talk about New York, Fun

or to those of us who really know, Gun
City.

Just go down on any city street in the
month of July or August, which,

to the Almanac, is listed as the car
stripping season.

Now, I found out that General Motors has
trained its assembly line workers so

that they can finally put a car together
in only 17 hours.

In New York, we once arrested a guy
named Mario who can take it apart in 17

minutes.

He could have done it in nine minutes
except his right hand is a hook.

Believe me, Grizzly, if that bear of
yours went walking down Second Avenue,

five minutes some hoodlums would have
the fur coat off his back and a girl

Sylvia would be wearing it to a single
thing.

Thank you. Thank you.

As opposed to Brisley Adams' lifestyle
in the wilderness, our next guest is

here to defend the benefits and virtues
of city living.

Ladies and gentlemen, a new, what's it,
a new and

brilliant funny comedian, Mr. Tom
Dreesen.

Thank you. We're here tonight to talk
about a man who looks like he's eating a

tumbleweed.

And a lot of people say that living in
the country is better for you. I'm

against that. I live in the city. I've
always lived in the city. And they'll

tell you that people that look like Dan
Haggerty are an example of what country

people look like.

That's not so.

There are many people in my
neighborhood, many men who look just

Haggerty. We call them winos.

It feels like growing up anywhere else
in America. You get up in the morning,

you open up the window, you listen to
the sounds of little children talking to

one another.

I'm going to break your faith.

And that's a little girl's jumping rope,
which is really fun to watch. You ever

watch a little girl's jump rope? Little
white girl's jump rope with one rope.

Down in the valley where the green grass
grows.

To me, it's far more exciting watching
black girls jump rope. They jump rope

with five ropes all going at the same
time.

You know I'm alive. I'm jumping with
five. Got a bald head of mama. That

no child.

The number one rivalry in my
neighborhood was between an all -black

school called St.

Leroy's.

St.

Leroy's. Their arch rival was an all
-white Catholic school that was in an

-black neighborhood called Our Lady of
the Courageous Caucasians.

And St. Leroy's used to win all the time
because they had a good basketball

team. But they had a better cheerleading
squad.

See, the biggest cheer we had in the
white community in 1958 was, Big Apple,

Little Apple, Susie Q.

Come on, team, we're rooting for you.

And that could hardly inspire you. St.
Leroy's cheers were much more

intimidating. Om gawa, so pawa, you'll
all be dead in just an hour.

Stanley Royce had the most interesting
mascot I've ever seen in my life. It was

a burro that they painted white.

The schoolmen get rid of it. They kept
calling it a honky -donky.

Toughest guy in my neighborhood was a
black guy, a lot tougher than Dan.

Gucci Nicholson.

Gucci was tough. Young kids today brag
about they know how to use kung fu.

Gucci know how to use car tool.

See, in city living, you learn a lot
from one another.

And if you hang around with different
nationalities, their culture rubs off on

you. You can't find that in the country.

It's true, that's what America's all
about, an exchange of all these

cultures. Gucci taught me a word black
people use that white people don't use.

-H -M -O, amo.

Amo, kick your butt.

That was poor living, tough living, not
like Dan has in the country. He's got it

made. The poorest family in my
neighborhood was the Barducci family.

They had 17 kids.

17 kids. You know you've got too many
kids when you buy a dog and first day

pet it to death.

But then, I wish you a lot of success.
You've got that bear.

That's nice to have animals. My wife and
I just got a dog. We didn't buy the

dog. We got him from the animal welfare
because we figured if you can't have one

naturally, you should adopt one.

And I was trying to teach a dog tricks.
I went to the store. I bought a red

rubber ball. And every day for hours,
I'd throw the ball. Then I'd go after it

and bring it back in my mouth.

I finally taught the dog to say,
attaboy, attaboy.

The real star of the show, Ben Bear.

You and I are a lot alike.

We both do our traveling on all fours.

Look at this dais. Wanda Page, Jimmy
Walker, Ruth Buzzy, Charlie Callis. I'm

best looking one up here.

Foster Brooks is only sitting there to
make Dean look sober.

First time I saw this yo -yo, I was with
some black bears.

As soon as they spotted him, they said,
well, there goes the neighborhood.

I think Jeff is a very talented fool.

Wanda Page.

Now, this young lady, you've seen her on
Sanford and I adore her. I always have

her on the days or the days.

Miss Wanda Page.

And don't make any cracks about my
looks.

Honey, I can get any man I please.

Are you having pleased any man?

Hold it right there, honey.

Or you're going to wind up in the
hospital.

I'll have Sammy Davis Jr. come by and
drop his jewelry on you.

Glad you get that out.

I got it from Dean.

You look like you mugged a buffalo.

Now, just because you became a star
overnight and you didn't have to do it

hard way without being black, you think
you missed a beat?

Just because you live with an animal
that sleeps six months a year.

Big deal.

I had a husband like that.

But I'll tell you something, Grizzly,
you got it made.

Living in a cave with a bear.

Honey, ain't no landlord alive going to
raise the rent on a bear.

Don't you shoot off your mouth, Mr.
Cannon.

You know I could work you over pretty
damn good.

But I don't want to get under your skin.

There's hardly enough room under there
for you.

And Abe Vigoda, I know what he's
thinking, but I don't pay him no mind.

He looks like he died and nobody told
him.

I don't want no jive about my figure,
honey, because I've seen what you look

like in a bathing suit.

And, man, that's what you look like.

I can't figure out where you're coming
from, Grizzly.

You got the crazy idea that living in a
forest with real animals makes you

brave.

If you really want to live dangerously,
honey, just come on down to my

neighborhood, Beverly Watts.

You can get mugged over the telephone.

And you, Foster Brooks.

Yes, you. Stop breathing in my
direction.

She's putting the kinks back in my hair.

To get our next guest, we had to contact
Washington, D .C., and give

him some time off.

He's a friend of Dan Haggerty's, a
forest ranger, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, representing the
Forest Rangers of America, Mr.

Marlon Hurd.

I am happy to represent the National
Park Service

in honor of Old Grizzle.

He's come a long way.

His picture is on the cover of Field and
Stream this month.

This one with the fish in his mouth.

But the experience with Woodman you see
here tonight is not.

He is not the same tenderfoot he was
when I first met him. In fact, it's hard

to believe this is the same kid who once
went down the road

to watch animals at a deer crossing and
got hit by a busload of elk.

Now, I could see this young man needed
help, so I took him.

Took him under my wing.

I showed him how to make a fire by
rubbing two sticks together.

And he gave it four or five tries, but
no fire.

Which was quite surprising because the
two sticks I gave him were matches.

He is a true friend of nature.

One day an owl flew into our camp with a
broken wing.

Well, Grizzly managed to do the wing and
nerfed that bird back to health.

But he put the wing on the wrong side.

But now the darn thing flies backwards.

Foster Brooks.

Everybody knows Foster Brooks.

Dynamic Marilyn Michael.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jane.

Oh, wow. You know, I just realized
something. I mean, you and Dan.

Now, you look differently and you talk
differently, you know, but you both have

a lot in common.

You're both interested in wildlife.

Now, I know that tonight, everybody here
is going to praise Grizzly for being a

warm -hearted, wholesome man who appeals
to the family and appeals to the kids.

But I think that there are a lot of gals
out here, especially gals in show

business, who think this handsome hunk
of hair is definitely a sex symbol. Is

that right, girls? What do you think?
Huh?

Girls!

I mean, just the other day, Mae West was
saying, Oh, Grisly, that

man is fascinating, and he's so virile,
and he's wonderful.

You can crawl over my frontier any time
you like, honey.

But I'll tell you that, then Raja said,
But darling, it's not Grisly I'm crazy

about so much, darling.

It's the bear.

I never had one before.

You know, Dinah Shore, I mean, because
she's my favorite, she just splits her

mint tulips over you.

time I can get him, Mr. Jackie Gale.

Now, what kind of man is Dan Haggerty?

Dan's ancestors came west in covered
wagons.

If you saw his ancestors, you know why
the wagons were covered.

He was a little disappointed today when
he found out he couldn't put buffalo

chips in a slot machine.

What's Jimmy Walker doing here tonight?

How does he relate to grizzly bears?

The only time he ever saw a babbling
brook is when he worked in a car wash.

Jimmy, don't waste your time looking for
your roots.

Look for your body.

Roger Miller.

lives in a mansion, drives around in a
$100 ,000 car, and sings songs about

being poor.

I'll tell you something.

Denver got here a little late.

The president said he could fly in from
the Ozarks on Air Force One, but Denver

couldn't remember the number of the
plane.

You know who's smarter than Denver on
the show?

The mule.

The mule on Grizzly Adams is the
smartest mule you ever saw.

But Denver's jealous of the mule.

Every day he tells them nobody likes a
smart ass.

You all remember William Conrad. He
played Cannon, the private detective.

I watched you fall down a lot of times
on that show.

You could rock yourself to sleep just
trying to get up.

You never should have given up being a
jockey.

Everything bigger than his stomach is a
Lawanda Page's mouth.

Let's see who got left out tonight. It's
big as Ruth Bussard.

She's only here tonight to date the
bear.

Dean's having a lot of fun. He left a
wake -up call for the end of the show.

Mr. Martin is a man of faith.

He believes there's another world and
he's always in it.

fine actor, a good man, our guest of
honor, Mr. Dan Haggard.

Thank you, Dan.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like you
to look at this dais.

I've seen better heads on the wall in
the hunting lodge.

But I've been asking Dean to come up and
spend some time with me up in my cabin,

and I just told him how nice it is up
there every evening. You just lay on

back and look up at the stars, and all
of a sudden I realized that Dean's been

doing that all his life.

And red buttons.

Well, talking about the man of the hour,
if we were to talk about a comedian

that's given 25 years of his life to
comics, your name would be right up

with the tops.

Sonny Bono, Burt Parks.

Ruth Buzzy?

I love you, baby.

I want you to come up to the cabin and
visit me one more time.

But please, this time, fix yourself up a
little bit.

Last time you came looking like that,
you started a chicken stampede.

Being a good backwoodsman, I've always
been afraid of coming face to face with

Bigfoot, incredible monster that walks
around the mountains.

But this evening I was lucky enough to
meet Big Mouth, Lawanda Page.

And my friend William Conrad, who did a
TV show, Cannon.

He hasn't lost a pound. He still looks
like a dump truck.

In fact, he was out front today by the
curb and a cop put a checkmark on his

leg.

And I'm glad to see Fish here.

He's been trying so long to become a
star, and he finally became one, but

so old now he can't appreciate it.

And you all know my buddy, sidekick, and
my good, good friend for a long, long

time.

But unfortunately, number seven couldn't
come tonight.

But we had to be stuck with Denver Pyle.
And I love him dearly.

But once you've seen one ass, you've
seen them all.

And to tell the rest of the dais, well,
not too long ago, I was wandering

through the woods and I got my leg
caught in a bear trap.

And I was laying there in pain, alone
and rejected.

And as I look back on it now, I had more
fun than I have with you this evening.

This is really an honor and a privilege
to me and my family.

And, Dean, I really appreciate you
having me here.

And thank you, everybody, for being so
kind and watching the show.

It's terrific, and I love you, and thank
you very, very much.