Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight Star -Studded

Roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

The Week!

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And the very special man of the week, Mr. Bobby Reed.

In the past, we saluted some great athletes.

So tonight we thought we'd salute Bobby Riggs for a change of pace.

Bobby, for a 55 -year -old man, you're in great shape, unless you plan on

living.

It's too bad Bobby didn't win that match with Billie Jean King. It's just that

Bobby ran out of wind too fast.

I didn't think that was possible.

Bobby running out of wind. It's like Nixon running out of excuses.

As you know, Bobby played Billy Jean in

the Houston Astrodome. It was the only place big enough to fit Bobby's head.

Oh, what a character. Bobby's been known to play an entire game of tennis with a

suitcase in one hand.

He has to. When he loses, he has to get out of town fast.

One time he actually played a tennis match wearing a dress. He lost the

but on the way home he picked up three sailors.

Tennis isn't the only thing he excelled in. In college he was on the tug -of

-war team. He was the third jerk from the end.

Bobby's made a lot of money in this business.

When he was 15 years old, he won his first purse and bought a dress to match.

It's a real pleasure now to have Vincent Price with us tonight, a man who's

appeared in such great films as Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini

Machine and the Ghost and the Invisible Bikini.

Those pictures were so bad, they removed his star from the sidewalk on Hollywood

Boulevard.

Hollywood's most popular actor is Mr. Vincent Price.

People

have

always told me that Bobby Riggs was a hustler, but I know for a fact that that

is not so.

Dean Martin himself told me that Bobby doesn't look like any hustler he knows,

and he knows them all.

And I'd also heard that Bobby was a male chauvinist pig.

But in reality, he's very insecure when it comes to women.

In fact, a few months ago, he confided to me that he was very fond of a certain

girl, but he was too shy to approach her.

And he asked me if I'd help him write a love letter. I told him I'd be more than

happy to do so.

But what we did was this.

I wrote a first draft, and then Bobby took it and revised it slightly, giving

his own personal touch.

Now, this is the first draft that I wrote, and this is Bobby's revised

I hope Bobby won't mind if I read a few passages from them. In my version, I

start off by saying, oh, sweet nymph of my thousand fantasies, have you ever

felt a volcano of passion within your soul erupting in a fiery flow of desire

impossible to restrain?

In Bobby's version, he changed that passage slightly so that it reads, hey,

lips, do you fool around?

Ladies and gentlemen, a real hall of famer, Mr. Leo DeRosa.

That's him.

That's for you, Riggs.

Get a load.

Get a load of this guy.

Now, what's next, Riggs?

Boxing, maybe?

You're going to get in the ring and punch the hell out of Hermione Gingold?

Maybe you could be the new White Hope against Alan Rodney Rippey.

How about track, Bobby?

How'd you like to go up against Lassie in a 40 -yard dash to a bowl of Alpo?

Hey, why don't you wrestle Tony Fields?

At least you know you can't get hurt falling on the flat.

Listen, I've had it with you, Rick.

I'm telling you for the last time, get yourself in gear and shape up.

Because the next time I tell you, I won't be such a nice guy.

Keep your arms on the wide world of talent, ladies and gentlemen. The pride

the South, Miss Lynn Anderson.

You know, the women's lib movement keeps saying that Bobby Riggs is some kind of

a pig.

They can't fool me, Bobby.

I'm a country girl, and I'll know an old goat when I see one.

So Bobby is a real friendly little critter. Now, just before the show, he

dropped by everybody's dressing room just to say hello.

As he dropped by my dressing room, I happened to be rehearsing a song into

little tape recorder, and I thought that I'd leave it running just to have a

little memento of Bobby's visit to me. I thought that you might like to hear

just exactly what went on.

Come in.

Why, Mr. Riggs, how nice to see you. What can I do for you?

Mr. Riggs?

Why are you locking the door?

Mr. Riggs?

Mr. Riggs?

Mr. Riggs!

Oh, Mr.

Riggs. How cute.

Listen, thanks again, Bobby, for showing me your little pet mouth. That was

awesome.

We're very happy tonight to have...

Wayne Newton with us.

A great singer of song, Mr. Wayne Newton.

Thank

you very

much. And Dean, I really can't tell you what a great thrill it is to be doing

your show tonight. And contrary to what you might think, Dean is really a great

guy. He's really the kind of guy that would give you the floor off his back.

And Dean, don't worry, I'm going to call you tomorrow and tell you what a great

time you had tonight.

You don't know what a thrill it is for me personally to see Mr.

Leo DeRocha sitting over there. I'm a great fan, by the way, and he really has

done great things, ladies and gentlemen, for baseball.

He left it.

And now to our guest of honor.

What do you say, what do you really say about a guy who runs around in short

pants and a buster brown haircut and likes to call himself Bobby?

Bobby, during World War II, I happen to know that an Italian girl hid you out in

her basement for nine months in Cleveland.

We, uh...

Billie Jean King did want to be here tonight, Robert, but she couldn't make

and she did send a telegram, and it started out, Dear Pig.

And then it gets insulting from there, so I don't think we should really read

it. And Bobby, I want you to know that all the men in this country, all of us,

on this day in this country, we want to thank you for helping us put down

woman's lib.

We needed you like Christine Jorgensen needs a...

Ladies

and gentlemen, a great athlete and a funny man, Mr. Alex Garrett.

Bobby, all of us He -Men really appreciate what you've done for us.

Those of us who are legitimate athletes, you know, we...

We

play for the love of the game, Bobby.

You play for...

Greed is what you call it.

I know Bobby did what he could to prepare himself for the fiasco and the

Astrodome against Billie Jean.

I know that for a fact that he gave up six months of his love life

prior to the match.

I don't know whether it was the talking half or the dreaming half.

I'll give you credit, though, Bobby. You know, you've built the matchup as a

terrific thing. You know, really great. That was great of you, Bobby.

But what you promised and what you did... Let's put it this way. Ever think

about trying politics, Bobby?

I understand Bobby doesn't go to football games anymore.

You don't, do you? You don't go to football games anymore. You think that

guys in the huddle are talking about you.

Well... Let me tell you something. I know some of those guys, and they are

tough.

Bobby, I've kidded you for quite a bit tonight, and I know that you're pretty

sensitive these days.

Matter of fact, Dean just wrote me a little note.

He said that he wants to know if I've been running around town telling

in Hollywood that you're a sissy.

Well, I can honestly say I didn't. I don't know how in the hell they found

Bobby, we've got a surprise for you.

Now, who do you think we flew out to be on this dais tonight?

One of your old classmates from high school, a man you haven't seen in 30

Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome for Mr.

Don Rice.

Thank you.

The dean just told you I went to high school with Bobby Riggs.

the Archie Bunker of tennis.

Bobby gave the valedictorian speech to the graduating class, and I remember we

were all so thrilled when he explained how a royal flush beats an inside

straight.

And Bobby, in school, his first love was tennis, and his family were poor, and

for two years he played tennis without a racket.

Every day I had to string his fingers together.

And I remember his first tennis teacher was a woman.

Come to think of it, the last one to teach him a lesson.

He became a tennis hustler. He played one match.

wearing a trench coat and carrying a pail of water.

Another match he played with his hand tied behind his back.

And he played Billie Jean King with his foot in his mouth.

But Bobby has shown the world that age is no barrier to tennis.

It just keeps you from winning.

Classmates still think you're the greatest tennis player in the world.

But then what's 200 opinions against millions?

Ladies and gentlemen, an athlete and a equally talented actor, Mr.

Chuck Connors.

Thank you very much, Dean. And ladies and gentlemen, the jokes are almost

And I've been asked to inject a note of sobriety here in a little serious thing,

which is a rare change of pace for the Dean Martin Show.

Now, a lot of people have wondered how Billie Jean King managed to beat Bobby

Riggs so easily in their famous match at the Astrodome.

A lot of tennis experts have suggested various reasons. Some say it's because

basically her strokes were sounder than Bobby's.

Some say it's because Bobby's reflexes aren't as good as they used to be.

And others say it's because Billie Jean's net game was stronger than Bobby

expected.

Now, I have to know that none of these reasons is the real reason.

There's only one reason that Bobby lost to Billie Jean King.

He was pregnant.

Why do you think he played the whole first set with his jacket on?

He was trying to hide the bulge.

Now, remember the third set he sat down?

It wasn't because he had a sore wrist.

It was because he had morning sickness.

Now, I know it seems strange that a man who takes so many pills would forget the

one pill that would have prevented a whole bunch of...

If you saw the match between Bobby Riggs and Billie Jean King on television, I'm

sure you remember the lovely young lady with the big mouth who sat beside Howard

Cosell and helped with the commentary.

I'm talking about the very fine tennis player, Rosemary Cosell. She kept

needling Bobby all through the match, and I do mean needling. In fact, by the

time the match was over, Bobby wasn't sweating, he was leaking.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Rosemary Kissack.

Thank you, Dean.

About what Chuck Connors was saying, I don't know whether Bobby was pregnant or

not, but I just want to say one thing. If he is, you can be sure it's not

Rosemary's baby.

Jean told you I was one of the TV commentators for the Bobby Riggs and

Jean match.

Being a woman, naturally, I was rooting for Billie Jean.

And I guess I let it show a little bit.

And because of this... And because of this, some people got the

idea that I had something against Bobby personally.

Some even thought that I disliked him.

Nothing could be further from the truth, I assure you.

I have only the greatest respect, admiration, and affection for this four

little punk.

When Bobby won the Wembley Championship 35 years ago, all the tennis experts

said they'd never seen a player so full of competitive spirit.

And even today at 55, Bobby is still full of it.

In fact, I believe that Bobby might even have beaten Billie Jean.

were it not for two forces in his life over which he had no control, senility

and irregularity.

You

may all

be wondering what Jack Carter's doing here tonight.

Right. But I'll tell you.

Last week I saw a sign that said, Hire the handicapped.

A great funny man, Mr. Jack Carter.

Thank you. I would have been all right until Rosie Gazelle's got my speech.

But it's great to be here, and I'm so glad you invited this mini munchkin over

here.

Look at this recycled Mickey Rooney sitting here.

Bobby Riggs, I never saw it in person.

And I love tennis. I always thought mixed doubles meant wife swapping.

Dean doesn't know much about tennis. We play golf a lot, and one day we're on a

golf course, we pass by some bushes, and he heard a yell, Love 40! He thought it

was an orgy.

But he's learning now. I saw him in a bar the other night talking to a couple

pros.

Is he beautiful? Look, I never knew you're built so cute. That's adorable.

He's got the body of an Olympic champion, really. Kathy Rigby.

Look at this mangled gnome we have over here. Look at him with the eyeglasses

and that stringy hair and that stupid little body.

Looks like a nearsighted Johnny Mop I threw away.

I shouldn't become Bobby. Why do I pick on him? Why? Because I hate his guts.

I hate him. He disappointed me. He's an Open champion, a Davis Cup champion, U

.S. Singles Open champion.

And he went to Houston and made an Astrodome of himself.

She showed him, didn't she, Billie Jean? On television before 40 million people,

she beat the pants off them.

Luckily, with his wrinkled body, nobody even looked.

But Dean has gone to so much trouble, really, tonight, to invite a lot of

here to be for you, Bobby. He asked Frank Sinatra and Pancho Gonzalez to be

here, but they couldn't make it.

Sinatra said he didn't know you, and Pancho said he did.

And Wayne Newton, another one of my former idols.

Yes, I never forgot his mommy and daddy back in Oklahoma.

No matter how big he gets, horse ranches, he's got money, he's got a

Las Vegas.

Never forgets his mama. He always sends her a big package every week. And his

mother washes it, irons it, sends it right back.

Good job.

And Leo Deloach said, the mouth that roared is here. The angry man.

He makes Don Rickles sound like somebody from the Walton family.

I didn't know, but Leo's a tennis fan and told me that Bobby is top -seeded. I

didn't know you were top -seeded. I knew you were fertilized and already potted.

I knew that.

He's always parted, always stoned. Every night he's out in the bar drinking with

broads. Got Sandra Giles on one arm, another stale broad on the other. And he

sits there boozing, drinking, hollering. But he always conserves his energy. You

never see this creep pick up a check.

But it's really a great thrill to be here. And Bobby's not finished in

He was just challenged by Tony Fields.

That's right. Tony's going to play him on national television. And wait till

see Tony running around with that little behind and her little white fat legs.

When she reaches for a shot and rips those bloomers, boy, America's going to

the wide, wide world of sports.

A lot's been said tonight about Bobby Riggs, pro and con.

And now the con man gets back at the pros.

Here he is.

Our man of the week, Mr. Bobby Riggs.

Thank you, Dane.

I'd like to say this is a great honor, but it isn't.

I've been a fan of Jane's for 15 years, and I wouldn't swap one year of it.

But just make me an offer for the whole 15 and see what happens.

And Wayne Newton, you're really cute.

Last time I saw you in Vegas, you really had me laughing.

Unfortunately, you were singing at the time.

You got bigger last when you played with the Detroit Lions than you did tonight.

What a thrill to have Jack Carter here.

Jack's a comedian who started at the bottom.

And it's only his talent that has kept him there.

And Vincent Price, what an honor to have the star of such great films as The

Eggplant That Devoured South Philadelphia.

That picture made him what he is today.

A has -been.

I'm telling you, it was Rocha's show tonight.

I must say, Leo and I have something in common.

We both did equally well at the Astrodome.

I'm glad Rosemary Casals is here.

Rosemary and I started as hustlers together.

I worked tennis courts, and she worked the bars.

Oh, one more thing.

I'd challenge Rosemary to a tennis match, but I only play women.

I'd like to thank my guests for being here tonight, and I especially want to

thank Mr. Bobby Riggs.

He's really a great tennis player, but he's getting a little old.

In his last match, he played brilliantly, but he dropped the set, his

lowers.

Good night, everybody. I'm on my way home, Catherine. Now, warm up the hot

chocolate.