All language subtitles for Dean Martin Bob Hope

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin
Celebrity Roast, honoring the man of the

hour, Mr.

Bob Hope, with tonight's guests,

Ginger Rogers, Reverend Billy Graham,
Johnny Bench, Foster Brooks,

Governor Ronald Reagan, Mitzi Russell,

John Rickles, Sugar Ray Robinson, Mark
Spitz,

Jar Jar Gabor, John Wayne on location,
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger,

and your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the
hour, Bob Holtz.

This is the most sensational happening
since they found Toadie Fields'

in the backseat of Wilbur Mills' car.

Bob was born in Eltham, England, one of
seven brothers, and oddly enough, There

are similarities in our birth data or
data, either one. Bob was the fifth son

a stone mason, and I was the stone son
of a white mason with a fifth.

There was very little excitement in the
town of Eltham, England, except on

Saturday nights.

That's when the townspeople sat around
and waited for their polygrip to harden.

must say, he couldn't afford writers
then.

In the late 30s, Bob was in vaudeville
and then starred on his own radio show.

When World War II broke out, Bob hoped
to volunteer to go overseas to entertain

our G .I.

Bob holds the singular distinction of
being the only civilian who was ever

slapped by General Patton.

All during the war, Bob was always where
the action was.

The Whacked Barracks.

During the Italian campaign, when the
bombs fell on Salerno, Bob did a heroic

thing. He threw himself on Sophia
Lorenz.

Nine times he threw himself on Sophia
Lorenz.

And at Bob's last Christmas show in
Vietnam, it was Ho Chi Minh himself who

to Bob,

Which means no more bring Jim neighbors.

And now I'd like to introduce Flip
Wilson, who is also known to millions of

Americans as Geraldine.

But like most overnight successes, Flip
worked many years to achieve stardom.

There was a time when he would put on
the same blonde wig, miniskirt, and high

heels, and no one would recognize him
except for a couple of psychiatrists and

handful of vice squad officers.

Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, Flip
Wilson.

At first, I plan to talk about Bob
Hope's contribution to the advancement

black people.

So I did a little research and found out
that, Bob, you've stiffed us.

Then I remember there was one area where
he must have come across with a little

bread for the brothers.

I said, there had to be this one area. I
mean, this had to be a lot for us.

So I checked it out.

Nothing.

Found out he washes his own car.

So my subject tonight will be golf.

At least we have that in common, Bob.

I play the game, too.

I don't have to tell you what my
handicap is.

You told me when I tried to join your
club.

Bob, I must say that I've always envied
your having your own golf tournament.

The Bob Hope Desert Classic.

I've decided to have one of my own.

called the Flip Wilson Ghetto Open.

Now, Barbara, I know your tournament is
played to benefit the Eisenhower

Memorial Hospital.

Mine will be played for the Ritchie
Pryor Clinic for rat bites and bullet

wounds.

The winner of the tournament will
receive a check for $36 ,000, or, if he

prefers, $100 in actual cash.

In case there's a tie, you'll be settled
by sudden death.

That way, we won't have to play an extra
hole.

With this one, you're going to have some
special prizes, too. For instance, if

anyone makes the hole they want, he wins
a car.

The exact make and model will be
determined sometime late that night.

And just like you have celebrities that
you torment, we're going to have our own

group. You had Billy Graham.

We're going to have Reverend Ike.

You have Dinah Shore, we're going to
have Moms Maybe.

You have Spiro Agnew, we're going to
have Spiro Agnew.

As in term of the governor of
California, the Honorable Ronald Reagan.

Thank you, Dean. I was a little
surprised when I was asked to be here

honor Bob Hope.

Well, surprised isn't exactly the right
word.

Annoyed.

I've got a lot of important decisions to
make in the next several weeks.

Like, do I go with beacons or stick with
U -Haul?

Accepting this invitation, I don't want
the taxpayers to think that I'd make a

special trip down here just to be on
this program.

Now, that would be frivolous. I just
happen to be in town anyway for

really important.

A guest shot on Hollywood Squares.

Bob would do well in politics. He
certainly has to be one of the most

faces in America.

He's entertained over 10 million troops
and seen by more than 100 million TV

viewers. And if you throw in the 27
people who've seen these movies, you

pretty sizable consideration.

I'm the last one to criticize somebody's
movie career.

I've had a few disasters myself.

I don't criticize governors either.

Bob Hope is a man of remarkable
accomplishments.

He's been America's most favored
comedian at a time when America was in

bewildered state of mind.

He's entertained six presidents. He's
performed for 12.

Seriously, Bob, I know that over the
years you've received many tributes and

awards, and it gives me great pleasure
to tell you that in honor of this

occasion... The state legislature has
unanimously passed a bill naming you

California's foremost citizen.

I vetoed it.

Our next guest is America's favorite
Western hero, John Wayne.

When Duke first rode into California,
all he carried was a gun and a snakebite

kit. in case he was bitten by Don
Rickles.

And now, Duke's up in Oregon filming his
new movie.

See if you can spot the clever way he
sneaked in a plug for his picture.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's my old
buddy, John Wayne.

Hi, Bob, this is John Rooster Cogburn on
location in Bend, Oregon, filming the

sequel to True Grit, co -starring
Catherine Hepburn, a Hal Wallace

Wayne.

Did I do that okay, Dean?

Perfect, pal.

I'm really sorry I couldn't be there
with you tonight, Bobby.

You know, one of the great
disappointments of my career is that I

been able to make a picture with you.

About as disappointing as not doing one
with Jane Fonda.

I gotta go now, Bob.

My big scene is coming up.

We have got a little problem.

Hepburn thinks it's her big seat.

See you, friend.

Have a good rope.

Bob Hope has one of the most hectic
schedules in the world.

A typical week may find him in a dozen
cities, ten different countries. The

responsibility of flying him to all of
his commitments, such as the roast

tonight, rests on the shoulders of one
person.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the
man who has been Bob Hope's personal

pilot for the last 32 years, Captain
Foster Brooks.

I feel too bad you packed her shooter to
safety, eh, safety?

As I did.

I hate laying those great gray things
down in the dark.

As the steward for Alitalia just told
you, I

am boo -bop, pop -boo -boo.

I am buh -buh -buh.

I am our host's personal child.

So far this year, we've logged three
million miles together.

Most of them trying to find this place.

Not everyone is qualified to perform a

task as demanding as the one I have
chosen to make my wife's

work.

It requires a man with rich...

or sharp reflexes, a man with complete
control of his senses, a man who is able

to execute split -second decisions,
knowing that the slightest error in

could mean the demise of one of the most
revered and best -loved citizens on

Earth. I think I'm going to throw up.

Bob, a lot of your friends and admirers
couldn't be here tonight.

They're so lucky.

So they sent you some wires.

I'm going to read the first one. It
says, Dear Mr. Hope, you probably won't

remember me, but you said many, many
years ago that when you made it big in

business, you'd come back and get me.
I'm still here in Cleveland, your wife,

Dolores.

I'm going to give you a very great quote
for this last one. It says, Dear Bob,

I've been trying to get your attention
for some time, but you've been too

preoccupied. I feel this is important
enough to send a telegram.

Your fly is open. Signed, Jimmy Stewart.

Mr. Jimmy Stewart, Jimmy and I made a
picture together a few years back called

Bandolero. In the picture, Jimmy could
draw his gun in less than half a second.

But by the time he said, I got you
covered, everybody in the picture was

I was just thinking, making outdoor
pictures like Bandolero

must do you good.

You know, you always had a kind of a
healthy glow.

I remember you had a glow on all during
the picture.

There was one scene in that picture that
I think I liked you best of all in, and

that was the fight in the saloon.

You got knocked down a flight of stairs,
you crashed into a table, you tossed

over a bar, you're thrown out of a
window, and you never spilled a drop.

I'm here tonight to salute Bob Hope, a
man who knows

the secret about how to make people
laugh.

And the one thing you can say about Bob,
he sure knows how to keep a secret.

Well, as a matter of fact, I was in a
picture with Bob

one time. It never reached the theaters.

It was Bob's first dramatic role and his
last one. But Bob

played a sheriff.

And in the big scene, he'd just been
shot, you see.

And I was kneeling in the street beside
him with a cradle in his head and my

hands. And they'd written this marvelous
death speech for him. And I remember

Bob looking up at me.

And he had a sort of a dramatic cough
that he'd worked up.

And his face was all twisted in pain.
And he began his dying speech.

And he said,

This is Bob. It's good to be shot in
Tucson, Hope.

I want you to get those two guys that
shot me.

One of them was tall and skinny.

He was so skinny, you had to tie knots
in his legs to make knees.

The other guy's real ugly.

In fact...

Vultures used to fly past them with one
wing over their eyes.

Things are getting dark for him.

Things are getting... We've ridden a lot
of trails together, you and me.

All of them, most of them side saddles.

As I was saying...

I owe you a lot.

I owe you a lot, partner. So, thanks for
the memory.

Right now, I'd like you to be Mr.

Milton Berle. And now, if we give him a
nice round of applause, maybe we can get

him to remain in his seat.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am very, very, very happy to be here
tonight to honor my good friend Bob

He and I go back a long time, back to
the days when hot pants was a condition.

Bob Hope became a big movie star. He
made Paramount Studios what it is today.

An empty lock next to a cemetery.

I'm sorry. That's when Bob Hope in those
days thought he was a lover.

Didn't you, Bob?

Poor Bob.

Today we're going through a sexual
revolution just when Hope ran out of

ammunition.

This man that I am talking about, this
Burt Reynolds of the menopause sector,

where does he get his energy to keep
working the way he does? It's very

He loves to keep busy. He loves to make
people laugh.

And besides, Dolores wants him to get
the hell out of the house.

Our next guest is... Billy Graham, a man
known all over the world, and he and

Bob Hope have been friends for a quarter
of a century.

I count Billy Graham among my friends,
too, even though the first time I shook

hands with him, one half of me went
sober.

It is now my pleasure to introduce the
Reverend Billy Graham.

Thanks, Dean. I saw the drink here, and
I thought you were going to leave it

here for me.

But as I look over your congregation and
some of your guests here tonight, I see

that I have a great deal of work still
to do.

And one of the reasons that I think that
Bob Hope has lasted is because of his

genuineness. He's absolutely genuine,
100%. There is no pretense about Bob

except when it comes to counting his
golf goals.

We've been friends for a good many
years, but there's nothing probably that

wouldn't do for each other or to each
other.

For instance, I recall down in Dallas
some time ago, we were golf partners in

golf tournament with Byron Nelson.

And Bob asked me to sign his scorecard.

And I had to refuse on the grounds of
the Ninth Commandment.

Thou shall not bear false witness.

So you know what Bob did?

Bob signed my name.

to the scorecard on the grounds that
there's no commandment that says thou

not commit forgery.

God bless you.

See, they got my whole act up here.

And there's Howard Cosell.

Pretending to have a good time.

But I'll tell you what's really on his
mind.

Nothing.

Now, Howard's sitting there saying to
himself,

I hope this roast doesn't go too long
tonight because I've got to get home and

make up some more of those funny signs
for next Monday night's football match.

You know what he's thinking?

Now, remember, it's Bob, oh, Bob, oh,
Bob, Bob. Now, when you get

up there, remember, it's Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Bob.

You know, come to think of it, now that
I look over the

days here, I can do everybody up here.
Well, almost everybody, but the guest of

honor. You can't do Geraldine, honey.

I'm going to throw you the highlights of
Bob Hope's movies.

This won't take very long.

All of Bob Hope's pictures had the same
thing in common.

They were sophisticated, cultured, and
high class.

Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man.

Bake a cake as fast as you can.

Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man.
Bake a cake as fast as you... Patty

patty cake, baker's man.

Bake a cake as fast as you...

Patty cake, patty cake, baker's hat,
baker's cake.

Bob has never won an Oscar, and here's
the reason why.

I can't go on.

open your big mouth and ruin the only
good scene I got in the picture.

Finally, here's Hope the Dancer.

Bob has great rhythm until it reaches
his feet.

A two, a three, a four.

Now here's the outspoken master of the
English language, Mr. Howard Costell.

all know Howard.

He's delivered so many big words, he has
stretch marks on his mouth.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great
mouthpiece, Mr.

Howard Costell.

You know, my good friend, it's a
specious honor to be introduced by an

like yourself, who has made, ladies and
gentlemen, such staggering contributions

to American music.

Who will ever forget the memorable
content of those lyrical and poetic

When the moon hits your eye, like a big
pizza pie, that's amore.

than never to be forgotten, you know?

Oh, Laurie.

Oh, oh.

Oh, Laurie.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

But actually, you look great tonight,
Bob.

One looks at you and knows it's the
orthopedic tuxedo.

I wager the thing, Bob, Hope is best
noted for, Dino, unlike yourself, is

entertaining the serviceman.

He's discontinued the trips. He still
can't get out of the habit. This

Christmas, ladies and gentlemen, Robert
Hope is going to Mattel Toys to

entertain the G .I. Joe doll. We'll all
be there.

Howard, you're great with words.

Nothing with jokes, but great with
words.

Ladies and gentlemen, the sunshine boy,
Mr. Jack Benny.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm
glad to have been invited here tonight.

And I'm sure you'll hear some wonderful
things said about Bob.

but not from me.

For the benefit of you, who may not be
aware of it, Bob was born in England,

and the first time he came to entertain
to America was to entertain the troops

at Valley Pord.

In fact, Bob liked entertaining the
troops so much, he decided to make the

every Christmas.

And he did this at a great sacrifice.

On every one of these trips, he had to
take with him Jill St.

John, Anita Egbert, Raquel Welch, Ann
Margaret, and the Gold

Diggers.

I wouldn't go through that ordeal for a
hundred dollars.

Almost every TV comedian, of course,
uses cue cards.

But Bob's the only one I know who uses
them at house parties.

He even used cue cards on his wedding
night.

Can you imagine a man not knowing what
to say on his wedding?

He was so nervous, he finally threw up
his hands and shouted, Not now,

sweetheart, I have a headache.

And his wife, Delora, said, Bob, you're
reading my card.

You always make fun of Zaza Gabor and
her marriages. I don't know why. She's

only had five husbands and four of them
were her own.

One she drew back because she was over
her limit for the year.

Ladies and gentlemen, a woman of whom
the 4th Hungarian Cavalry once said...

Well, Bob has his way of entertaining
the troops, and I have mine.

Darling, you've said such terrible
things about me. Am I glad I never

you?

Dear sweet Bob, you always have a soft
spot in my heart.

That's why I never married you.

Even though Mama says, how can a man
with $300 million not be sexy?

But somehow you manage it.

Your monologue lasted much longer than
one of your marriages.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nipsey
Russell.

We herald and acclaim Bob Hope tonight
for his accomplishments and his deeds.

Bob did a benefit performance in what?
And opened the show singing Bye Bye

Blackbird.

that have been said here tonight because
Bob is the soul of propriety. When he

was doing his show in New York City, he
got back to his hotel room, found two

gorgeous females languishing in his
boudoir, undulating seductively

to lustful music. Bob said, just a
minute.

He said, I'm a married man.

You're beautiful, but it is not proper
for you two young girls to be here in my

room.

his elbow, he wouldn't shake my hand.

And I appealed to Bob. I said, Bob, tell
the man that it's time my people took

their rightful place in society.

Bob said, your rightful place is in the
rhythm section of the band.

But anyway, I stand here as one of the
few people who has had the great

fortune of making a tour with Bob Hope.

I remember he rushed onto the wrong
plane accidentally and sat down with

people being transferred to an
institution for the criminally insane.

The attendant came by checking his
roster. He said, one, two, three.

He saw Bob. He said, who are you?

He said, Battlefield Bob, troubadour of
the war zone and friend of every

president of the United States.

The guy said, fire.

Nipsey is funny, I admit that, but let
me tell you, uptown we got niggas like

better than him and we ain't working.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very proud to
be able to introduce this time America's

only living five -star general, General
of the Army, Bomar Nelson Bradley.

It was during World War II that I first
met old Geno here.

I cannot deny Bob's great courage.

Time after time, while flying to do a
show, his plane was shot at,

by the enemy.

I'm grateful to be here, part of this
show, especially since earlier this

evening...

Bob implied that he is thinking of
getting

out of show business.

Maybe this isn't so startling and bad
after all.

This great American has always been
willing to do what's best for the

Ladies and gentlemen, the six million
dollar man.

Thank

you,

Dean.

Dean, you are a beautiful hunk of man.

And if General Bradley orders me to
attack, you're first.

I am to be here because I owe a lot to
Bob Hope. It was Bob Hope who made it

possible for me to have my facelift.

He sold my old nose to Carl Malden.

But when I first came to Hollywood, it
was Bob who discovered me. I was working

at a kennel.

Testing flea collars.

in a movie with bob what a lover he
really knows how to kiss a girl i

seen movement like that with lips since
i gave my dog a sticky tootsie roll

now

i'm not saying the picture was bad but
the premiere was held at a photomap

You made me what I am today.

Depressed.

I asked Bob if there was anyone special
he'd like to appear on tonight's roast.

He said he'd always want to meet Howard
Hughes.

I said, gee, Bob, you might as well ask.

For the man in the moon, so he did, and
we got him.

Mr. Neil Armstrong.

Shortly after our moon landing, Bob
invited me to join him on his annual

Christmas tour.

This was in keeping with one of Bob's
firmly established traditions, exploit

anybody in the news.

I know this comes as a surprise to you,
Mark.

Of course, the lunar landing made
headlines all over the world.

So it seemed a bit strange when Bob
said, come with me on the tour and I'll

you famous.

But Bob, just to show you that there's
no hard feelings, I've arranged a

treat for you.

You often told me how you'd... I'd like
to have a ride on a rocket.

So I've fixed it for you.

Your rocket is waiting on the rim of the
Snake River Canyon.

Have a good night.

There have been so many attacks on Bob
Hope tonight, we figured we should call

in a mediator. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my honor to present from

.C., our Secretary of State, Dr. Henry
Kissinger.

It is a great pleasure for me to pay
tribute to my friend and fellow

globetrotter, Bob Hope, who symbolizes
so well the sense of humor of our

country.

There was some doubt as to whether I
could make an appearance on this show

because of my tight schedule.

But when I hesitated, Bob said that if I
didn't appear, he would stop paying his

taxes.

And you know what that would mean for
government solvency.

We don't do anything in Washington these
days without asking the permission of

Congress.

So I asked Congress whether I could
appear, and I have a message to you from

entire Congress.

They have proclaimed you the funniest
man in the world.

The vote was 268 to 267.

I think we can all agree that Bob's
humor, his joy, and laughter, and

represent something universal in the
human spirit.

I am therefore delighted to be a part of
this evening's tribute to my friend,

Bob Hope.

Thank you.

And now it's time to introduce the
master of the insults.

The only man who holds a black belt for
hatred.

Evel Knievel's next jump is his mouth.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've had
your rabies shot because here he comes,

Mr. Don Rick.

Dean, I thank you for your wonderful
introduction.

You would love the evening if you knew
you were here.

We have so many great celebrities. Of
course, I want to thank Neil Armstrong.

Neil?

Over here, Neil. You're down.

Neil Armstrong, the great astronaut,
said in the capsule, Hey, man, it's the

moon. But I kid you. You're a great
hero. You've told me that time and time

again.

Thanks, Sugar Ray Robinson, who said to
Rocky Graziano in the fifth round, hey,

baby, you're hurting me.

Sugar Ray is a great champion. Sugar,
we'd ask you to talk, but you know the

blacks, your lips lock.

I'll tell you this.

I kid Jack Benny, a great star, God
bless him. Milton Berle, great people.

is wonderful being here at the home.

And I say this from my heart.

No, it's a joke. It's a joke.

It's a joke.

It takes many years to be a great
comedian.

Sure does. You ain't reached that year
yet.

Uh,

thank you, Jerry.

Why not, Dean? There's a contract out
for you.

Wants to knock your friend. Wants to
knock you off.

Manganzo, mangananzo.

Bob Hope just turned around.

Is he troubled?

I kid. I kid, Dean. He's Italian. And we
need the Italian people to find out

where the mail goes.

We need people like Bob Hope.

He is not Irish. He's not Jewish. He's
not Italian. He's not black.

Just an all -American guy. When he was
born, he came out of his mother with a

flag wrapped around him.

Jimmy Stewart, one of our great stars.

And James Stewart, I'd love you. We'd
ask you to stand, but we know the

could make you ill.

Jimmy Stewart has been a great star for
so many years. General Omar Bradley, all

our great stars. Governor Ronald Reagan,
who's going to retire after so many

years of good service.

And Governor, I say from my heart, I'm
fed up with you.

It was great to all of you. And Billy
Graham, bless you, Billy.

I mean that from my heart. You've helped
me to walk again.

And I know this from my heart.

I've always walked, but Billy helped me
to walk faster.

And as Billy Graham and Marjo always
said, If Bob Hope knows...

And so in all honesty, America loves
you. Our president loves you. You are

America. And to you, Bob Hope, may God
be good to you and yours.

And I thank you for letting me be part
of this dais. On behalf of my wife, my

children, I am delighted to say I know
Mr. Bob Hope. Bless you.

Our next speaker is the person who over
the years has been closest to you.

Yes, Bob, even closer than Les Brown.

For the past 40 years, your wife,
Dolores, has raised your children, kept

house, and packed your bags.

In fact, she told us that she sent you
packing over 200 times, but you never

to hit.

And now my great pleasure to introduce
to the audience and to you, Bob, your

lovely wife, Dolores.

However, very difficult to sit back and
sit quietly while all these things

were being said about Bob, these insults
and ridicules.

Many times I felt like jumping to my
feet and shouting, here, here.

Dean, I'd like to thank you for...

giving me the privilege of introducing
the guest of honor, which, oddly enough,

is what we call him at home.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, here's
that moment we've all been dreading.

The man of the hour, my husband, Bob
Hope.

Thank you very much.

I wish she'd get steady work.

No, it's nice to see her.

I haven't been traveling too much
lately, and I've gotten to know some of

family personally.

It's nice to be here, Dean, and I wanted
to tell you that I'm happy that NBC

renewed your liquor license for another
year.

Don't you love the way Dean reads cue
cards? If he doesn't like the joke, he

breathes on it and erases it.

Now, it was nice of Flip to show.

Is that all of them?

I've never seen him before without high
heels. Is that it?

Well, thank you, Flip. No, I really miss
Flip's theories, but he has to face the

facts. He's good, but he's no Sonny
Bono.

And I do want to thank Governor Reagan
for his kind words. Incidentally, the

governor has no presidential
aspirations.

In fact, he just made a tour of 43
states just to tell him he's not running

anything.

Milton Berle's here.

Milton's the first comic to ever be
impeached.

Johnny Bennett, the greatest catcher of
all time.

You ever see him behind the plate? He
wears more padding than Phyllis Diller.

I like John. I really do. He doesn't
care about baseball. He just stands in

hall out here watching the chicks and
smiling.

Of course, you'd smile, too, if you
spent all your afternoons on grass.

I really enjoyed Phyllis Diller, the
girl who inspired that great movie,

I can't get over how well she looked
since she had that operation. It's a

miracle. It was over a year ago, and the
stitches on the right are still

holding.

And wasn't John Wayne wonderful?

In his next sequel to Through Grit, John
is really giving us a thrill.

He's wearing the patch over his mouth.

And Sugar Ray is one of my great, great
favorites. Everyone knows about the

great job you're doing, Sugar, with your
youth foundation, football, baseball,

boxing, basketball.

You taught those kids how to bet on all
of them.

And Ginger Rogers. The last time I
worked with Ginger was on a Christmas

Alaska. She not only stole the show, but
she replaced two electric blankets.

And thank you, Billy Graham.

Star of radio, television, and heaven.

I expect to see General Jimmy Stewart
here. As usual, Jimmy's the man of few

words and even fewer laughs.

Now, Jimmy had me over to his house last
week, and what a thrilling evening. He

showed slides of his last trip to
Fresno.

And it's nice to see Zsa Zsa now that
she's free again.

Oh, I'm sorry. I should have said
divorced.

She's never been free.

Ladies and gentlemen, by General
Bradley's presence here this evening,

about great generals. On June the 11th,
1944, he was parachuted behind enemy

lines and under cover of night, snuck
into the heart of Berlin and single

-handedly captured Marlene Dietrich's
garter belt.

And next time you were really up there
tonight, you keep it up and you'll be

pumping gas for Chico and the man.

And Don Rickles got some news today. He
was made poster boy for Tidy Bowl.

Don, I just can't figure out why you're
doing commercials for Right Guard. You

should be on for Raid.

Closing, ladies and gentlemen, it's been
a great night. You know, somebody once

said you can measure a man by the
caliber of his enemies, and I flatter

to believe it might also apply to the
friends who come to roast them.

And if I am right in that assumption,
and it is rare that I am not,

Then I thank all of you giants of our
business for the size your affectionate

malice lends to me. Thank you very much.

Motor trips and burning lips and burning
toast and prunes.

How lovely it was.

Thanks for the memory of candlelight and
wine.

Castles on the Rhine, the part of the
night. And moments on the Hudson River

line.

How lovely it was.

Many is the time.

we feasted.

And many the time that we fasted.

Oh, well, it was swell while it lasted.

We did have fun and no harm done.

So thanks for the memory.