Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special woman of the

White.

With tonight's guests, Peter Marshall, Georgia Engel,

Phyllis Diller, John Hillerman, Red Button,

Bonnie Franklin.

LaWanda Page, Jimmy Walker, Rip Little, Dan

Haggerty, Foster Brooks, Ainsley Doda, Orson

Welles, Milton Berle, and your roastmaster, Dean Martin.

With tonight's woman of the hour, Betty White.

gathered at the beautiful MGM Hotel in Las Vegas to honor the star of the Betty

White Show, Miss Betty White.

I look forward to being part of this glowing tribute, and about three this

afternoon, I got a good start on my glow.

On the Mary Tyler Moore Show, Betty played the part of Sue Ann, who tried to

make it with every guy in the newsroom. But the truth of it is, she's a swinger

in real life.

She's so desperate, the other day at the studio, the security guard caught her

giving out Hershey bars to the Osmond brothers.

I feel sorry for her husband, Alan.

He's pretty square, you know.

When Betty was first dating him... She'd pretend she was shy.

She'd always say, I can't make love with the lights on.

Could you please close the car door?

Here he is, that beautiful guy, Mr. Peter Marshall.

Thank you, Dean. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, the last time I was here, I was the person being roasted, and Betty,

you're in for a special, special night.

I tell you. Well, you see the party Dean throws after the show? Now, for me, he

had all my friends, two bartenders, the Guy Lombardo Orchestra, a couple of

girls from Hallelujah Hollywood, and that was just my taxi cab.

All I know about Betty is what I'm learning here this evening.

I know she's crazy about cats and dogs. In fact...

John Hilleman knew that. You see, Betty went to one of John's parties, and

during dinner, she spayed and neutered his animal crackers.

And if I were Grizzly Adams, I could say, nobody wants to sit next to me.

been sleeping with a bear for six months.

So what?

Betty White's been sleeping 15 years with a turkey.

Friends, in the words of Phyllis Diller, who once said to Betty, Betty, she

said, Beware of cheap facelifts. I had one in Teflon. Now my makeup keeps

sliding off.

And this guest is the comedy star of good times, Jimmy

Dynamite Walker.

Every time I see this guy, he gets thinner and thinner.

But he dinked in all his life. The day he was born, his mother thought she had

given birth to a shoelace.

Mr. Jimmy Walker.

When

they

first asked me to be on the Betty White Rose, I was like many other people out

there. I didn't know anything about Betty White.

So I called my man Alex Haley a root.

Try to get something happening, you know?

That's right. And like so many other people in America, Betty does have black

roots.

I know her cousin. I don't know if you know about her. Cousin Roxanne served in

the Confederate Army. She surrendered at Appomattox.

She surrendered at Shiloh.

She surrendered at Bull Run.

which she surrendered.

The governor also has a famous cousin that we all know. That's a famous house

painter called Off White.

And she still has a lot of relatives living in the Midwest. One of them is a

faith healer called Miracle White.

She says, I like to be kind to the little people. She learned that from her

great -great -grandmother, Snow White.

Now here's a very pretty girl who stars in the hit television show One Day at a

Time. You know, people are always asking me, where...

stars coming from? Ah, well, this young lady is coming from my right.

Wonderful to be here.

I think that you all should know up front that I have never met Betty White.

That's the gospel truth.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to brag.

If I sound a little bitter here, give me a chance to explain, okay? A few years

ago, this nice lady, this lady I never met,

This over -dimpled star was overstocked with dogs.

Now, a friend of hers suggested that she give one to me.

I went in just to have his ears clipped. Simple, right? No, no, no, it wasn't

simple. They wanted 50 bucks to give him the dry look.

I can do that at home free just by putting a newspaper under him.

You may not know this, but Betty also takes in actors down on their luck.

And it's great.

If you don't mind being wormed and neutered.

I give you Red Button.

I'm delighted to be here tonight for Betty

White, who once said to her husband, Alan Ludden, not tonight, unless you

the password.

Why?

Why are we giving Betty White a dinner than some of the greatest women in the

history of the world?

Never. Never got a dinner.

Eve, who said to Adam in the Garden of Eden, sure, you're the first man, but

with me.

Never got a dinner.

Nate Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a little

John.

who sent the president car to give Panama the canal, give us the locks.

Marie Antoinette, who said on the way to the guillotine, can you just take a

little off the top?

Mrs. Anwar Sadat, who said to Anwar, make pizza ready, I'm dying for a corned

beef sandwich.

Glantz's teacher.

Except a little Bert.

Now let's go over it again.

It's a great pleasure to introduce... Boy, it's nice with glasses.

It's always a great pleasure to introduce our next guest, that genuine

the cinema, Mr. Orson Welles.

Thank you, Dean.

That is, sir, it's a privilege to be on this dais.

I had hoped that because you're a woman, our panel tonight would refrain from

their usual gross behavior, but no.

All night it's been like watching sweat hogs in tuxedos.

I'm appalled at some of the vicious remarks we've been hearing, especially

you, Buttons, you mendacious little munchkin.

special recently about King Krat, the Egyptian pharaoh.

And when that ancient tomb was opened... Now,

he isn't here to accept the applause, but I know he'd be grateful. When that

ancient tomb was opened, they found next to his mummy something even older.

Four jokes you did hear last night.

And you, little boy, I know you have some remarks.

snide ones. A man who's too old to attack a woman shouldn't be attacking a

woman.

Instead of brutal insults and coarse jokes, I, on the other hand, have

you a little nose -gay inverse.

Of all the lovely ladies on TV who grace our screen by night, the last with

clasp who steams my glass is lovely Betty White.

Her flowing gowns, her tailored suits, the way she fills her halters.

Why, hers are better front page scoop than Eva and Barbara Walters.

Yes, I've loved you long, don't get me wrong. I think that this is sudden for

nothing.

Stands between us now and his name is Alan Ludden.

Everybody knows our guest of honor.

Betty White is totally dedicated.

Here we go again to the preservation of wildlife

and... What is that?

You don't have to get mad at me.

What are you mad at me for?

I'll put my glasses on and I'll read it.

Oh,

domesticated.

knows our guest of honor, Betty White, is totally dedicated to the preservation

and wildlife of domesticated pets, right?

Well, tonight we have a surprise for her.

Oh, yeah, most everybody knows.

I'll do it for you, Dean.

guest of honor. Betty White is totally dedicated to the preservation of

and domesticated pets.

Dogs and cats. Well, tonight we have a surprise

for her. We've invited her favorite pet shop owner, a man who

runs the most exclusive shop in Beverly. This is the way you're supposed to do

it.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

White Old Baboon.

Pets all over America.

Don't leave me.

Betty White is one of my best customers.

She always comes to me for advice.

Recently, she had a problem with a pet he can eat.

The dog wouldn't eat.

I solved that problem.

I trained the dog to eat at the sound of a bell.

Of course, it didn't work out too well. The other day, he ate the Avon lady.

She brought me her dog. It was a pointer.

I told the dog it's impolite. A pointer.

Just mulch.

You know what this is?

It's a personalized dog whistle.

It has a pitch that only dogs can hear.

You see, Phil is still as he is. Park up.

Well, Pete, I've got to go now and walk my dog.

Walk your dog? You told me he's dead.

So then I'll drag it.

like her. You've seen her on Sanford and Son as Aunt Esta, where she used to

give lots of love to Red Fox.

But our next guest is really a kind, warm -hearted lady.

Ladies and gentlemen, lovely Miss Luana Page.

of my life.

From old red fox to old red eyes.

Because I got red eyes and a white face that don't mean I'm a drunk. I could be

a rabbit.

Now, according to the foxes, you've been dating lately.

Now, let me put on my cheetah so I can see. Now, let's see which one is Betty

White.

Get a bunch of you albinos on one desk and you all look alike.

They say the same thing about us, but that's a lie.

Honey, we come in all colors.

Light, bright, almost white.

how your quiver sticks.

Now, I heard what you've been saying about me.

With your double -breasted lips, honey, you can blow a tuba from the wrong end.

And what you laughing at, Abe Bogota? You fish.

Now, you better pray that red fox will live forever.

Because when he dies, honey, you'll be the ugliest man in the world.

the cute Phyllis Diller.

Honey, I remember your old face.

Honey, when you used to walk into the room, the mice would jump on chairs.

Honey, you had your face lifted so tight, when you raised your eyebrows,

pull up your pantyhose.

Folks, I don't even know why I'm at a dinner for Betty White.

I'm only kidding. Of course, your name is famous.

They honor you all over the South, honey.

Over every drinking fountain, there's a sign that says, White only.

I'm proudly here because you couldn't get fair profit.

That's one faucet that really turns me on.

Honey, don't tell me about your plumbing problems.

You like a hot water faucet in a cheap hotel.

Even when you turned on, nothing happened.

them hot hands, honky.

You keep that up and you won't be just host of the roast.

Mess with me and you'll be jive turkey fricassee.

Now, about five years ago, I got lucky.

Five years since you got lucky?

So that's what makes you so mean, huh?

Listen, sucker.

Where I come from, Sex is a misdemeanor.

The more you miss it, the meaner you get.

Good night, Dean.

Good night, baby.

Good night, John boy.

Miss Phyllis Gillis.

Thank you. Thank you, Dean. Thank you very much.

There have been a lot of references tonight about my plastic surgery, and I

want to say that I'm not the least bit sensitive about it.

It's not easy for me to look this good. You see, I have to do a lot of things

like every day I use it. Olive oil.

Mineral oil.

Vegetable oil.

Grease.

Turtle oil.

In fact, I just got an offer from Exxon.

I'm doing a drill.

And I do admit that I had my skin tightened.

Everybody knows that. I'm not saying how much.

Let me just put it this way. If the knot ever lets go, I can

slingshot this whole room to death.

I'm really so thrilled to be here in honor of my good friend, Betty White.

Betty has everything that Miss America has.

Unfortunately, they served her child's portions.

If it wasn't for her hickey, she'd have no figure at all.

Now, actually, Betty is a homebody.

Of course, with a body like hers, you ought to stay home.

Nasty people have complained about her posture. They say that she always looks

like she's sitting down.

That's not true.

She just happens to be short and dumpy.

I could have had my own show.

Actually, they wanted me to star in a series called The Bubonic Woman.

Daddy, I wish you lots of good luck with this show.

And I just don't have a jealous bone in my body, and I want you to know that.

Besides all the other things my plastic surgeon did, he had me filleted.

Frankly, I could have had my own show, but I wouldn't do what the producer

wanted me to do.

Get out of his motel room.

Hey,

Jim, a fine actor.

And one of the nicest guys in the business.

Abe, the gold dollar.

I think you'll enjoy doing your new show.

For you, makeup will be easy. Me, well, I have to sit in the makeup chair for

six hours.

Without makeup, I look like Robert Redford.

Because of TV, so many people think I'm a real cop.

I go into a bar, and all the pretty girls in low -cut dresses run out.

That's why I went in there in the first place.

I know I'm at the age when a guy wants to retire, but not at everything.

After all, I'm not dead.

I just need a tune -up.

Even the neighbors get to thinking you're a cop.

The guy next door calls me in the middle of the night and says, Abe, somebody

broke into my house and is stealing the silverware.

You'd better help.

Now, why should I help a stranger steal my neighbor's silverware?

Benny, I wish you lots of good luck on your show.

And I say, let's get violence off the street and back in marriage where it

belongs.

rich little... Oh,

yeah!

Betty, as I stand here looking at those dimples and that Sunday school face,

you'd never know what a swinger she was when she was single.

So when she married Alan Ludden, It came as a big shock to a lot of the men who

knew her well.

For instance, Henry Kissinger.

I used to go with Betty, and she was

really funny.

Johnny Carson said,

understand is how she could go out with me and marry what's -his -name.

And that guy is so square.

How square is he? He's so square,

he goes to a do -it -yourself massage parlor, takes off his clothes, gives

himself a massage, leaves ten bucks, and then goes home.

I've been leaving 20.

My

next

guest is the distinguished actor, Mr. John Hillerman, who plays the part of

Betty's ex -husband on her new TV series.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fine actor, Mr. John Hillerman.

Thank you, Dean. And while we're on the subject of motion pictures, the biggest

one around these days is that science fiction thriller.

I think that since Star Wars was such a success, they ought to make one about

your life.

Bar Wars.

Why not? You've been floating around in space for years.

I've gone to Lud's home in Brentwood many times, and it's obvious from the

that these are two people who've had a long association with game shows.

What other house, instead of a single entrance, has door number one, door

two, and door number three?

oil painting of Gary Moore beating the hell out of an imposter on To Tell the

Truth.

Betty, in closing, I'd like to say you're a terrific star and a terrific

And since we're in Las Vegas, I hope throughout your life you keep throwing

sevens because you're a natural.

Everybody loves our next guest, Georgia Engel.

Georgia's one of the sweetest and shyest people you'll ever meet.

She's so shy that before she gets undressed at night, she puts her cover

the birdcage.

Miss Georgia Engel.

Mr. Martin.

Call me by my first name.

Okay.

What is it?

Whenever I come on these roasts, your producer gives me zingers to say about

people here on the dais.

So here I am again with some raps, slams, and put -down sticks.

What does schtick mean?

I don't know. I just woke up. I don't know.

I see Phyllis Diller sitting over there. I wouldn't say she looks bad, but her

boyfriend took her to the Tunnel of Love and told her to wait outside.

Excuse me, Phyllis. That wasn't very nice to say.

I don't know why... Everybody makes fun of your looks.

Your face is nothing to laugh at.

It's always nice to see Dean Martin here. He loves staying at the MGM Grand.

They have 14 bars here, and they're all within staggering distance.

I know you don't drink. You're just acting.

In fact, last night at the bar... he was acting so good they had to carry him to

his room.

I see Milton Berle sitting over there.

Last week, he played Las Vegas and the audience gave him a standing yawn.

that John Hillerman is here tonight.

Mr. Hillerman is so unknown that when he looks in a mirror, he doesn't recognize

himself.

I don't know why they made me say that, John. I don't think you're unknown.

This afternoon in the lobby, three people came up to me, pointed you out to

and said, who is that?

And now we come to our guest of honor.

My very good friend, Betty White.

I see that they've given me a few more than the others.

Betty's been around a long time.

I'm not saying how old she is, but her driver's license says, for covered

only.

I don't know why they say things like that.

You're in the prime of life.

Only it takes you a little longer to get primed.

I don't know why the producers keep giving me these things.

I've known you for a long time. I can do that myself.

That's it for the zero.

We all know Betty White on TV, but what is she really like, huh?

To find out, we've invited an expert from her past as a special surprise to

guest of honor. We've thrown in a man who was one of her first boyfriends,

someone who has known her intimately.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Betty White's former fiancé.

Now, you should stop getting gas because President Carter is slapping a tax on

big guzzlers.

But anyway, it's a thrill for me to sway before you tonight and pay tribute to

my old penitentiary, my old son, the old broad I used to

mess around with.

Now, this lovely creature and I go way back.

Way back.

I still remember the first time I laid.

date. She was outdated and I was blind.

Now, you may not realize it.

I sure don't.

But it was Betty.

Betty has always had a passion for amulets

and anything that flies or crawls.

Nothing personal was going on.

Our next date, we went, oh, where did you hear this?

We went down to the lake. Down to the lake and parked in the same dark spot.

Real romantic spot. And I slipped off my shirt.

My shirt. And then I slipped off my pants. Buzz slipped off my pants.

My trousers.

And there we were there until two.

Two o 'clock in the morning doing the same old thing. Same old thing.

Throw the stick in the water and I'd fetch it.

gift to nature, Mr. Dan Grizzly Adams Haggerty.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Dean.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a privilege to be here this evening.

Besides my respect for Betty White as a talent, Betty and I do share a common

interest in our like for animals.

Betty's is geared more towards dogs than cats.

Betty knows nothing about wildlife, but how could she?

Look who she's married to.

Alan Ludden.

When I first met Betty, her and a group of her friends were very interested in

saving wildlife in our national forests.

So she called me up and she said, Dan, would you like to join us on a little

-day outing with some of my Hollywood friends?

I said, sure, I'd love to.

So we left on this little jaunt and around, I think it was January.

Now, I'm not going to say that the people she invited were dull, but when

my bear, saw him, Well, he immediately left a wake -up call for next July.

And Betty volunteered to cook dinner for everybody.

She went out and gathered roots and herbs and berries and boiled them in a

Well, I'm going to give you an idea what this stuff tasted like.

If we were in the Amazon River, natives would have come from hundreds of miles

just to dip their arrows in it.

Now, of course, we had some discomfort.

We were bothered by mosquitoes all night.

Everybody but Milton Burroughs. All the slapping that was going on, Milton

thought I was clapping, and he kept taking bows all night.

It's going to be a long time before I forget that two days with Betty White.

In fact, before we came on tonight, I heard that her and a group of friends

going out to the woods again, so I immediately started making plans.

I called Ben up, and I said, I'll be home after this show. We'll set some

for him.

my good friend, Mr.

Milton Burroughs.

I've got to congratulate you, Dean. You really look great. Your eyes are so

shiny and bright.

You drinking that Windex again?

Oh, Dean, I forgot to thank you, Dean, for the candle and the wine that you

to my room.

But you forgot to send up a girl. That's what you forgot. I figured at your age,

just lighting the candle would wear you out.

There's no way to speak to me. No way to talk to me. After all, you're talking

to Mr. Television.

I was on your television set every Tuesday night for 25 years.

The situation is I was under it.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Wake up. I am here tonight.

Betty White, which gives you an idea of what's happening to my career.

Betty has had an unusual career, and this is the truth.

When she was 18, they gave her a loving cup because she won a dance contest.

She won it by doing the Dance of the Virgins, which she performed from

she went out on the road and traveled with the Tommy Dorsey band.

She wasn't a singer. She just liked to travel with the band.

It's always a pleasure to see lovely Phyllis Diller over there. Look at that

face.

Phyllis, were there any survivors?

Do you dig it? She looks like she was pardoned after the warden threw the

switch.

Here, Marshal, you surprised me tonight.

You're usually so good.

For those of you who haven't seen the show, Dan Haggerty, he's the one

who walks with the rifle in front and a bear behind.

J .J. Walker all sharpened with his tie on.

It was very funny tonight. And by the way, J .J. is the only one who wasn't in

the picture, Roots.

I saw the picture. I turned Roots off after 15 minutes because nobody scored a

basket.

I hear they're going to show roots in Africa.

They're going to show it backwards so it has a happy ending.

Now, to introduce our guest of honor,

Woman of the hour, there's only one man who can do it properly.

Her wonderful husband, Mr. Alan Ludden.

Hey, you know, you know, Dean, I'm really a lucky man.

I am married to a wonderful woman and a great cook.

ain't that bigamy? No.

It's when you're supporting two women. That's bigamy.

That's insanity.

I realize that a woman is entitled to have her own pursuits.

Certainly. But really, do dogs have such a part in Betty's life? It's really her

whole life. For instance, when I proposed to her, the first thing she

to sit up and beg.

She wouldn't even accept my ring until I rolled over and played dead.

Then on our honeymoon, she rolled over and played dead.

You

know,

however, there isn't a husband in the world who doesn't spend some time in the

doghouse.

But he should consider himself very lucky if he's married to the best in

And I am.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Blue Ribbon winner of my life and the woman of the

hour, Betty White Blood.

I really haven't had this much fun since.

I was kissed by Ted Knight.

And I was really thrilled and surprised to see Dean make it tonight.

I guess it was about four o 'clock this morning. I saw him getting into an

elevator with a six -pack.

Three girls under each arm.

I really would like to say how funny Milton Berle was tonight.

I can't.

I was really, I found myself hoping there is such a thing as reincarnation.

He really deserves another chance to be a comedian.

And Red Buttons, I'm really happy Red could be here.

You know, you probably don't know this, Red, but many, many years ago, I made a

promise to myself.

I promised that I would follow your career right from the beginning.

Tell me, when is it going to begin?

And Georgia Engel. I mean, what can you do with Georgia?

I'm really happy she showed this evening.

When I say showed, I mean that in a very nice way.

She directed all her remarks to me with great restraint, as you notice. She's

really an old -fashioned girl.

And one good thing about old -fashioned girls, they're gradually disappearing.

I'm not going to say anything about Abe Vigoda because I really respect age.

So do I. Old wine is one thing, Dean, but

old fish?

My dear little cookie.

I use the word cookie in reference to her crummy appearance.

I do like your hairdo. I really do.

You look like a leaky Sarah Fawcett.

And, LaWanda, I bet you're happy that there is a Betty White show on

this season. I mean, with all the shows like Red Fox and Richie Pryor and

Sanford Arms and What's Happening and Good Times in the Jeffersons, it's a

novelty to see a white on television.

wearing up.

I really had a great time and I want to thank you for a wonderful evening. Dean,

I love you.