Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

Yes, tonight we honor one of Hollywood's favorite citizens, Miss Betty Davis.

She won two Academy Awards and was nominated nine times.

From the very first day she arrived in Hollywood, she made love to Cary Grant,

Robert Montgomery, Henry Fonda, and then she got into pictures.

Jack Warner happened to take a liking to her, and after several meetings, he

sent Betty for her first test.

The result was positive, and they named the kid Jack Jr.

She was a big star and big at the box office. She suffered her

first heartbreak in 1938. David O.

Selznick tested her for a gong with the wind, but Mr. Selznick didn't think she

was good enough.

and gave the part to Butterfly McQueen.

As soon as Betty got over it, went back to Warner Brothers and made Warner

Brothers what it is today, broke.

And we're alive.

This woman has lived, Betty's made over 90 movies, and she has three children.

She would have had more children, but she didn't have time for retakes.

But we're back. Friends will never forget Betty. To this day, they still

around her footprints in front of Grumman's Chinese and say, Boy, she had

feet.

Betty, there's a lot of your friends and admirers who couldn't be here tonight,

but they've sent telegrams, and I'd like to read some of them to you now.

Here's one.

Who's this one from?

Dear Miss Davis, I don't mind when I see pictures of you clutching your Oscars,

but I...

but would you please keep your hands off mine?

Signed, Mrs.

Oscar Homoloca.

Here's one from Harold Donaldson of Detroit.

Dear Miss Davis, my wife and I just saw your film, Whatever Happened to Baby

Jane? Could you settle an argument for us? In private life, are you and Joan

Crawford really brothers?

All right.

one that reads, Dear Betty, I have loved all your movies, but I could never

figure out why they cast you in the Virgin Queen instead of me, signed

Well, get him away.

It's always nice having Pat Buttram on the show. Pat comes from Texas where he

lives on a ranch called the Lazy F.

He named it that because that's what his wife always calls him.

Ladies and gentlemen, the final comedian, Mr. Pat Button.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Mr. Martin.

I used to love all of your movies, Mr. Davis.

You was always crying and crying, crying real tears, too.

And if I'd have just known you then, I could have saved those tears.

and I'd have had enough salt licks for every cow on my farm.

But your movies is always such good, clean pictures.

The whole family could see them. That was great. Not like these sex movies

got today.

I saw one of them sex films the other night, and I was really confused. I

saw five people in love before.

But you know, Miss Davis, nobody could ever play a woman of the streets like

did.

The only trouble was you never came around my neighborhood.

But I guess in Hollywood is still Hollywood.

I mean, where else could you find a place that has signs like last massage

parlor before the freeway?

And bless her life.

Thank you, Pat.

Not many people know this, but Betty Davis has a twin sister. We brought her

here tonight all the way from Lowell, Massachusetts.

Would you all please welcome Miss Bessie Davis.

How do you do, Miss Davis? Tell me, who do you and Betty look like more, your

mother or your father?

Oh, like my Peter, Peter, Peter.

Oh.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a potter, potter, potter.

What sort of pots do you make?

Pewter, pewter, pewter.

Incidentally, what was the weather like back in Lowell, Massachusetts?

Oh, it was starting to pit up, pit up.

Now, you must excuse me. I have to go buy a gun.

What sort of gun?

What, Al? A repeater.

Al,

I hear you.

As you all know, that was the wonderful actress Miss Kay Medford, Medford,

Medford.

Nipsey Russell was a very popular comedian.

When he visited Alabama recently, the governor met him at the plane with a

Here's Nipsey Russell.

It is said that the Lord made woman last. A divine and wonderful plan,

he didn't want anybody talking him to death while he was making man.

But I am eternally grateful to

Miss Betty Davis, because had she not made the movie, Sweet, Sweet Charlotte,

Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte, I would not be able to live where I now reside.

I saw that picture, I turned white as a sheet, and I moved into the neighborhood

before he got by.

Going in conclusion to this illustrious lady of the screen, I say, when we get

to heaven, if you're not there, we'll write your name on the golden stair.

If you're still not there on Judgment Day, and though we think you went the

other way, Just to prove that our love is true, we'd come to hell to say good

wishes to you.

Even though... Even though... Even though...

Next, we have Miss Joyce Haber, columnist for the Los Angeles Times.

Every morning, the newspaper boy throws a copy of the L .A. Times on the front

lawn, on my front lawn, and I don't like it because when it hits me, it wakes me

up.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Joyce Haber.

Thank you, Bill.

People have been saying Betty was never much of a sex symbol, as, for example,

Raquel Welsh is.

But can Raquel Welsh act?

Not like Betty Davis.

All Raquel does is just stand there, like two bumps on a log.

Betty Davis never was a raving beauty, and Joan Crawford would be the first to

admit that.

Betty was the queen of Hollywood back in the days when queens were still ladies

and Joan Crawford was king.

And when Betty won the Oscar, didn't Joan Crawford generously offer to go up

aisle and accept for her?

And when the owner of Pepsi -Cola proposed to Joan Crawford, didn't Betty

to go up the aisle and accept for her?

So there she sits.

Miss Betty Davis, Nelson, Farnsworth, Sherry, Merrill.

Just think.

Just think about it.

For our husbands.

But she's just like you, Dean. She can't wait to get her hands on a fifth.

Thank you, Miss Haven.

I think everyone will agree that Vincent Price is one of the most popular actors

in our industry.

Vincent got started in movies playing the Invisible Man, and I still can't see

him.

Ladies and gentlemen, a fine actor, Mr. Vincent Price.

Thank you, Dean. Thank you. I'm honored to pay tribute to Miss Betty Davis, the

actress who became a Hollywood star the hard way. She wasn't naked.

She wasn't black.

She didn't even know Kung Fu.

Kung Fu, Dean, that isn't an Italian curse. Now, tonight I'm here

as one of Betty Davis's greatest fans.

And I'd like to talk about some of her most memorable films. She made her first

picture back in 1932.

I was a child.

It was called The Way Back Home. It didn't do

too well at the box office until it was re -released under a new title, Sexual

Freedom in Denmark.

In 1934, she starred in Of Human Bondage, for which Betty was nominated

Oscar. She played a woman of the streets who said to Leslie Howard, why, you

dirty bleep, you can take your bleeping money and shove it.

And for that kind of language, she became known as the first lady of the

American street.

You know, Betty has always suffered in every picture she has ever made. When I

appeared with her in Elizabethan Essex, she gave up her beauty. In Dark Victory,

she gave up her eyesight. And in The Virgin Queen...

She

gave up her hobby.

But in 1950, Betty received another Academy nomination for All About Eve.

This was a three -handkerchief picture.

And in 1962, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? That was a three -diaper picture.

In this one, she appeared with her old friend, Joan Crawford. Miss Crawford has

always been envious of Betty's voluptuous figure.

As a matter of fact, Joan used to borrow Betty's bras to use for shoulder pads.

And then in 1963, there was... Thank

you. Thank

you, Letty Littles.

Then in 1963, there was Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte, and Betty Davis entered

field. Horror films, yes.

But that's not new for you, Betty, because some critics have always found

pictures horrors.

Yes, it's true that many reviewers have knocked Betty, but then that's how you

measure a great star, by her knockers.

Vincent almost didn't make it here tonight. His hearse broke down on the

freeway.

Armie Archer is one of the top columnists in Hollywood today.

I never miss his column.

I never read it, and I never miss it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the dean of daily variety, Mr. Armie Archer.

Betty, such a pleasure.

Well, Betty Davis is still the definitive expert on portraying various

She played Mary Queen of Scots and Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth.

And now I hear she wants to play Truman Capote.

But there's still a very bright future for Miss Davis because with the advent

television, a whole new field of unemployment is opening up for her.

But her mind still burns with that old ambition.

Every time she sees one of those old pictures on the late, late show, she

someday, someday, that's going to be me up there.

Oh, by the way, here's a telegram I forgot to read before.

It's from the, uh, where's this from?

Huh? Which one is it? It's from, oh, the National Association of Tobacco

Manufacturers. Dear Miss Davis, we want to thank you for promoting the use of

cigarettes in your films.

No other actress swings her butt the way you do.

Oh, it seems we couldn't talk like this before.

Oh, and now, Betty, we have a special treat for you. A lady who was your

friend when you were both girls growing up together in Lowell, Massachusetts.

Your lives have taken very different turns. You went into the theater and

a star. She went into a convent and became a nun.

Would you all please welcome Sister Maria Teresa.

you, Mr. Martin.

You know, it's so wonderful to see you again, dear Betty.

Yes, we have indeed gone our separate ways.

You see, you live in Hollywood, and I live in Lowell, Massachusetts, in the

convent of St.

Peter. Peter, Peter.

I went with the Carmelite sisters, and you went... with the Warner Brothers.

And yet, I like to think that I have been as successful in my life's work

as you have been in yours.

In 30 years as a nun, I have only been reprimanded by the Mother

Superior once.

She didn't like the way I handled my...

Betty, I've seen every film you've ever made.

I especially love the distinctive way you have of smoking a cigarette.

And you know, it proves to me it proves to me

that deep down you and I

are still basically the same.

Neither one of us can kick the habit.

Thank you. That was a very talented comedian, Ms. Barbara Heller. Thank you

very, very much.

Now it's my pleasure to introduce the best friend a motion picture camera ever

had, Mr. Henry Fundy.

I've been close to Betty Davis for over 40 years.

You told me to say that.

Except I was never close to you. You wouldn't look at me. I got the cigarette

burnt to prove it.

In 1938, I worked opposite her in Jezebel when she won the Oscar for

a daughter of the Old South.

It was a novelty picture for Betty. She didn't die at the end.

I was amazed because Betty's great at that.

I've never seen any actress put so much life into her dialogue.

In Jezebel, there was a scene that showed the burning of New Orleans.

The producer didn't intend to burn the city down, but there was Betty with

damn cigarettes.

In all fairness, I must say this about Betty. She'd never do a picture.

if cheapness and vulgarity were written into the script.

She felt it was up to her to bring that to the table.

But as Vegas star as Betty Davis is in America, she's practically worshipped in

Europe. Once a year, she receives a letter from the Bolshoi Ballet,

her as their favorite actress.

Every year, it's the same old bulljoy.

Yes, Betty has made many unforgettable pictures.

I wish I could remember the names of some of them.

But believe it or not, with all the celluloid tear -jerker she's made, not

of them ended up losing money. I'll tell you why.

They were all recently purchased by Dr. West.

You don't know Dr. West.

He had them melted down into toothbrush handles.

And therein lies the irony.

Somewhere in this country tonight, a sad Betty Davis film is leaving a happy

taste in somebody's mouth.

Now it's time for Howard Cole Self.

Known to most of us as Super Mouth.

Next week, John Cameron Swayze is going to strap a Timex to Howard's tongue.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Howard Cole Self.

I do think that every one of you knows that Betty Davis is a star of

gargantuan magnitude.

But... What precisely,

Nipsey, does the concept star signify? What is a

star?

A star is a lady who gets a million dollars for doing on the screen,

as you well know, Dean, what certain other ladies

get only $20 for doing.

A star is a tireless bundle of energy who gets up out of bed at 5 a .m. every

morning and goes home.

A star?

Well, a star is someone who changes her name, changes her

hair, changes her nose, changes her butt

line, then divorces her husband because he's not

the man she married.

May I tell you something, my dear?

Betty Davis, in the whole history of the cinema

and show business in this country, my dear, you are a

star.

Incidentally, Howard just had his book published called Cosell by Cosell.

It's gotten some great reviews and you'll love it, so get a copy yourself.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, may I present the woman of the week, the first lady

of Hollywood, Miss Betty Davis.

Thank you, Dean.

I was thinking about Mr. Cosell's description of a star.

And he ended by saying, Miss Davis, you are really a star.

I think I have had a great deal more fun being the kind of star you described

than the one I was.

I had no guts to do it that way.

Thank you, Dean, very much.

I've certainly had a lot of fun tonight.

It would have been nice to have some of my old male co -stars with me, but then

they'd have to hold the roast at the Hollywood Wax Museum.

Truly, there is one of my co -stars here tonight.

I did not recognize you without your camera, Hank.

Although we've never worked together, Vincent, I've seen all your horror

in which you're always torturing people, but tonight you outdid yourself.

I just read where Vincent is making a horror movie based on the life of Howard

Cosell.

The film is called The Planet of the Toot.

Will Rogers once said, I never met a man I didn't like.

Obviously, Mr.

Rogers never met Howard Cossack.

I want to thank Nipsey Russell for being here.

Nipsey is one of our great civil rights leaders.

As a matter of fact, Stefan Fetchit once called Nipsey an Uncle Tom.

Oh, by the way, Dean, congratulations on your recent marriage.

Dean is the only man I know who ever took cue cards on his honeymoon.

As I said, it's been a lot of fun tonight.

And looking at this dais, I can only quote a line from one of my movies, What

dump!

I want to thank my wonderful guests for being here tonight and my very special

thanks to a great star, Miss Betty Davis.

I'll never forget the first time I saw her. I had just come to Hollywood trying

to get started.

One night I was standing outside a theater on Hollywood Boulevard where

were premiering one of her pictures.

When the picture was over, Miss Davis came out and I pushed my way through the

crowd and ran up to her and I said, Miss Davis, you're the greatest. And she

spoke to me. I'll never forget what she said.

Get lost, meathead.

Good night, everybody.

And warm up the hot chocolate.