Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziesfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

Sit

down,

my dear fellow.

Sit down.

Well, tonight, we're gathered here to pay tribute to a great Republican

from the state of Arizona.

I feel kind of funny standing here to the right of Goldwater.

I didn't think anybody could be to the right of Goldwater.

Senator is truly a great American. He's so patriotic, on the 4th of July, he

hangs Johnny Mann out the window.

He's so loyal to our country, when he goes to a Chinese restaurant, he orders

American food.

As you know, the senator is a great supporter of President Nixon. Nixon

have been here, but he's being roasted himself right now.

As senator of Arizona, he's loved by all the people, especially the Indians.

Whenever he visits...

an Indian reservation, all the Indians call him the Great White Father.

And two of the squaws actually proved it in court.

And there's also his war record. When World War II broke out, he spent all

of the war years begging and pleading to be shipped overseas.

Unfortunately, he was in Germany at the time.

to work in Goldwater's department store in Arizona, which was owned by his

grandfather. He started out as a window dresser, where every day he worked with

dummies. From there, it was just a short step to politics.

I know a lot of people who wanted to be here tonight couldn't, but they sent

telegrams. You are also remembered by the Arizona Indians. They sent an

smoke signal.

I'd like to read some of the memoirs. The first one comes from Senator George

McGovern. Dear Barry, I think you and I should join forces.

Let's have a national convention of all the people who voted for you in 64 and

all the people who voted for me in 72.

We can hold it in my Volkswagen.

one from Mr. and Mrs. Glenn Mockley, the people you saved from drowning a few

weeks ago.

Dear Senator Goldwater, we sure were lucky that you were around to give us

-to -mouth resuscitation.

Who else but a politician would have had so much hot air?

And finally, here's one from the Ace Brasier Company. This Saturday, we are

introducing a new line and have decided to call it the Barry Goldwater Brawl.

It's for women who lean to the right.

Well... Well,

even though... Even though it's... Even though critics agree that Bill Conrad's

talents make canon a hit show, success never went to Bill's head.

It went to his stomach.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bill Conrad.

Thank you very much, Dean.

I'm here tonight to pay tribute to a fellow flyer, Major General Barry

Goldwater.

Retired U .S. Air Force.

We both won our pilot's wings at Lukefield, Phoenix, Arizona.

We both served in World War II.

And at that time, Barry Goldwater was on our side.

But even then, I knew that you would go far, Senator.

Go far in the service because you studied humility.

Under General MacArthur.

And took charm lessons from General Patton.

As a bomber pilot, General Goldwater single -handedly laid waste to 11 major

cities. And then he went overseas.

I remember after one mission, Barry came back with his plane heavily damaged and

started to land with his wheels up.

The tower got on at emergency frequency and said, Goldwater, you're landing with

your wheels up. If you can hear me, waggle your wings.

And Barry replied, I'm landing anyway because I'm out of gas. If you can hear

me, waggle your tower.

Luckily, I happened to be there with a pocket knife, and I was able to extract

some of the shrapnel from General Goldwater. It was the first time I've

been thanked.

We're getting the lead out of my brass.

But that's all behind him now.

Mr. Norm Crosby.

Thank you, Dean. Today, as you all know, we honor Senator Barry Goldwater, a man

of great repute, a man of depth, a man of perversion,

statesman, politician.

and former head of the largest department store in Phoenix, Arizona,

a great story. He began in the shipping room, sweeping floors.

This is the truth. And just 18 months after starting with the company, he was

named chairman of the board at the incredible age of 16.

It was astounding. This is the truth. Amazing.

And when the retiring president gave him the keys to the executive suite, young

Barry, tears streaming from his pupil, rose and stood up

in a voice quivering with emotion and whispered,

Thanks, Dad.

From then on, his rise to fame was vitriolic.

Many years later, when President Johnson declared war on puberty,

It was Senator Goldwater who said, and I quote, wherever there is unemployment,

you'll find men out of work.

He's always been for the little man, for the underdeveloped people in backward

countries, countries where they've never even learned to read.

But now, thanks to his legislation, we are sending them books.

And that's conservative thinking.

He sent books to people who can't even read.

It was Senator Goldwater himself who warned his party years ago that if they

kept raising liquor and automobile taxes, they would lose the drunken

vote.

Senator Goldwater has one hero, Christopher Columbus, who he thinks

made a fantastic politician.

Because when Columbus started out, he did not know where he was going.

When he got there, he didn't know where he was.

When he returned, he didn't know where he'd been.

And he did the whole thing on somebody else's money.

Thank you.

In confusion.

Let us remember.

Let us remember the words of this great American who once said, if you don't

pitch in and do your part, and we in Washington don't pitch in and do our

then pretty soon none of us will have a part to pitch in.

from the Democratic side of the Goldwater family here is Senator

nephew, the sheriff of Halfstaff, Arizona, Bubba Lee Goldwater.

They're much obliged to you, Mr. Moss.

One of my favorites.

Uncle Barry?

Been a long time, hasn't it?

Does everybody in the family still have to call you Mr. President?

Makes me surprised to see me, Uncle Barry.

Seeing as how you wanted to have me committed to

being a Democrat.

Look at all the... I'm thrilled, I tell you. All these famous people come to

honor you.

None of them know you.

None of them voted for you.

Dean never votes at all. He only leaves the house on Fridays.

Remember... Remember when you told me... Bubbly?

I thought he said Charlie.

William Holden just said something.

me in picnic.

Said Bubbly, follow in my footsteps.

And I said, Uncle Barry, I want to win.

I'll tell you something, Uncle Barry.

When the history of America is written, You lucky if you're a footnote.

That was Steve Landsberg.

Sheriff, I got some bad news for you.

You'd better get out of the parking lot. Your horse just molested a Mustang out

there.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Carroll O 'Connor.

Thank you very much.

I'll tell you why I'm here tonight. They needed a token liberal.

Even though the senator is a conservative Republican, let's take time

To consider all the progressive things he's done for us liberals.

That's long enough.

Time in.

Barry Goldwater is the senior senator of Arizona.

And believe me, it's not easy representing 100 ,000 square miles of

litter.

run for president in the worst way. And in 1964, he did that.

That was the year when he was bragging that he wasn't a politician.

The election returns bore him out.

Thank you very much and good night. Good night, Senator.

Thank you, Dean. It's a pleasure for me to be here tonight and pay homage to

Barry Goldwater, in my estimation, one of the greatest politicians in America

today.

But as we're learning lately, what a politician says and what

he means...

are two different things.

Just for example, I have here a copy of a campaign

speech that Barry made in 1964.

And he said, Thank you, my fellow Americans.

It's really a thrill for me to be here in the great city of Butte.

in the great state of Montana.

Now, that's just two lies already.

Well, I ask you, how could anybody be thrilled to be in Butte, Montana?

I spent an evening in Butte, Montana, and the big night is to go down to the

corner gas station and watch them load the cigarette machine.

On Saturday, if you're lucky, you can watch hair grow.

Let's go on.

He says, I come to you tonight not as a presidential candidate.

Now, translated, what that means is see if you've still got your wallet.

But if I were president, we would not be fighting in Vietnam.

That's right. You know, something, if you'd been elected president, we'd be

fighting in China, Russia.

He said, I will remove pornography from the streets of America and

put it where it belongs.

At home in his den.

Senator Goldwater, I am delighted and happy, and this is a very proud

evening for me.

Every night, some of the most important members of our political society gather

at a nightclub in the Shoreham Hotel.

to laugh and listen to the sharp -biting political satirist I'm about to

introduce. Nobody takes offense at Mark because he carries on in the tradition

of Will Rogers, Russell Baker, and Art Buchwald. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mark

Russell.

Thank you, Dean. It's a privilege to be here in honor of the distinguished

senator.

You know, recalling the campaign of 1964, Barry Goldwater ran as a

conservative's conservative.

Compared to him, Calvin Coolidge was an acid freak.

As a conservative, Mr. Goldwater has been quoted as saying, when asked what

would do in case of an enemy attack, I'd put the wagons in a circle.

He didn't say that at all. That's simply hearsay and innuendo. What he did say

was, I'd tell a bugler to sound a charge and I'd get word to General Custer

immediately, isn't it?

Born in Arizona territory, his father was Jewish and his mother Protestant.

This heritage was evident years after when he voted to send half a jet to

Israel.

If he had been a full Jew, Arizona would have been irrigated by then.

The thing I really

admire most about you, Senator Goldwater, is the way you can look a man

eye and tell him flat out how you think that the country should be run.

And how you can keep a straight face. when you're doing it.

Thank

you,

Mark Lefkoe.

This is John Shacklemore.

I can never figure out how Barry Goldwater got away from me.

After all, he's handsome, intelligent, and also rich.

Barry was very special in my life. Only in America could a humble Hungarian girl

like me meet and fall in love with a wealthy department store owner.

But politics makes strange bad fellows.

I'll never forget our first dinner date.

I'm not going to say what happened, but very dear, how can they call you a

conservative?

Thank you, darling.

Thank you, Zaza.

Here's a gentleman who was Senator Goldwater 30 years ago when they both

together on the same plane during World War II. Ladies and gentlemen, may I

present Staff Sergeant Donald Rice of the United States Air Force.

When I first met Senator Goldwater, he was wearing a flight suit, a helmet.

oxygen mask.

At the time, it was a little ridiculous. He was riding a horse.

He loved his country

and he wanted to fly.

His patriotism was so strong that sometimes you got the feeling that if he

ever a flagpole sitter,

and the president died, he'd come down halfway.

I must admit that

he was fearless.

I remember one time on a mission over China, he was away from the controls,

tightening a loose hydraulic connection, when he spotted an engine on fire.

He turned to the co -pilot's controls and calmly tapped him on the shoulder

the wrench he had in his hand.

Saying, we're on fire.

And the co -pilot landed the plane safely in spite of a broken shoulder.

Colonel Goldwater faced many dangers, and he never took off without, on a

mission, without first taking out a $2 insurance policy.

Each time naming a different girl as beneficiary.

He used to get a lot of mileage out of two bucks.

But, Senator, I've always had tremendous admiration for you, and I never knew

how much the people in Arizona really loved you until last week in Phoenix.

I checked into a motel and found that the Gideon Bible had been replaced by

book, Conscience of a Conservative.

Dan Rowan is half of the comedy team of Rowan and Martin. His ability as an

actor has been compared to Cary Grant.

And Dan always suffers in the comparison.

Well done, Mr. Dan Rowan.

The senator's cousin, Bubba Lee, said that nobody on the dais knows the

and none of us voted for him. And I'd just like to contradict the least part

that, because I've known Barry Goldwater for many years. As a matter of fact...

Well, it's a secret polling booth we have over here, see.

Now, I met Sender one day in the White House mess, which is just down the hall

from where they eat.

And it's called Congress.

I'm really very happy to be here with the Senator on such a happy occasion

because I happen to know that Barry is celebrating a night. He just found out

that one of his phone calls with President Nixon has been nominated for a

Grammy.

Barry Goldwater is probably one of the most popular men in the Senate, and for

one very good reason. He is one of the few men in the United States Senate that

will give you a direct answer to a direct question. Now, that's a fact.

You come up to the sun. Yes, sir.

You ask Senator Goldwater what time it is, he looks at his watch and he'll say

.30. It may be 8 o 'clock, but he'll tell you 2 .30.

I guess that Barry's family background's no secret. He came from a long line of

Germans, but in the first term, so did President Nixon.

The original family name was Goldwasser, but Barry had it changed, and you can

understand that. I certainly can. How would it sound?

If the president's looking for me, I'll be over at the Wassergate.

I mean, you know.

So tell him not to bug me. It's no secret that the president's been going

the country, and he's been saying that the president should release the tapes.

And I think it's a great idea to release the tapes.

You know?

As a matter of fact, if he releases those tapes, you can make a wonderful

television series out of them. You could call it Lots of Luck.

Great pleasure to be here. Thank you.

Here's

our

man of the week.

Distinguished Senator from the state of Arizona, Senator Barry Goldwater.

Thank you, Dean.

I appreciate your honoring me tonight, even though...

We're of different political philosophies.

You see, I'm a conservative drinker, and you're a liberal drunk.

Now, some people are in disagreement about what I stand for.

After tonight, you can see I stand for a lot.

And Dean can't stand at all.

And then there's Dan Rowan, who usually works with Dick Martin.

You'll notice he doesn't work so well by himself.

But Dan,

I want to predict that someday you'll be as well known as my ex -comedy partner,

Bill Miller.

And speaking with forgotten men named Bill brings us to...

Bill Holden.

The actor who runs a game preserve in Africa.

Bill, I've always said that as an actor, you are one of the gamiest.

And Zaza, thanks for joining us.

Both of you.

Norm Crosby, as much as I'd like to.

Norm, who is to comedy what surfing is to the economy of Arizona.

It would be impossible to skip over Bill Conrad.

It's hard enough just... It's hard enough just to

walk around him.

Especially nice of Carol O 'Connor to be here tonight.

As you all know, Carol is a Democrat, which is one of the main reasons I'm

to be a Republican.

You know, listening to this group, I don't know why they say there's a gas

shortage.

I'm here tonight.

As the living proof that not every American boy can grow up to be

But I've always been a good loser.

Perhaps not as good as George McGovern.

In fact, I've been accused of being sympathetic to wealthy taxpayers.

Well, after this administration, there won't be any wealthy taxpayers.

The people who voted Republican

have no beef coming.

I might

say that the worst thing about inflation is that it comes at a very bad time.

Just when the prices are so high.

But really, I'd like to thank you for inviting me here tonight.

And in return, I ask you all to come visit me in Arizona.

Just let me know when you're coming.

Because in the words of the song, by the time you get to Phoenix, I'll be

leaving.

Well, that's our show for tonight.

I want to thank all my wonderful guests for being here tonight.

In particular, I want to thank Senator Barry Goldwater for being such a good

sport. A lot of people make fun of Barry for being a hawk. Personally, I don't

care whether a politician is a hawk or a dove.

I just wish we could get rid of some of the turkeys.

Good night, everybody. Warm up to hot chocolate.