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1
00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:20,320
The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the
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00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,460
entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.
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00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:28,180
The glittering city of excitement and
laughter provides the scintillating
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backdrop for tonight's star -studded
roast.
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Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld
Room, some of the world's greatest
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00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,140
entertainers are here tonight.
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00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,340
They're in Las Vegas in person.
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00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:45,720
as Dean Martin honors our woman of the
hour, Angie Dickinson.
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With tonight's guests, Jimmy Stewart,
Earl Holliman,
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00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:59,280
Juliet Rouse, Cindy Williams, Red
Button,
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Jimmy Walker,
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LaWanda Payne, Kathy Rigby, Joan Bishop,
Rhett Green.
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Foster Brooks, Eve Arden, Jackie Mason,
Orson
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00:01:16,670 --> 00:01:22,810
Welles, Catman Crothers, and your
Roastmaster, Dean Martin.
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With tonight's very special woman of the
hour, Angie Dickinson.
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We're gathered at the beautiful Megham
Hotel here in Las Vegas to honor the
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beautiful and popular cop in Hollywood.
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And, Angie, you do look beautiful. Your
hair, your eyes, your gown, and your
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bulletproof pantyhose.
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This should be quite a night. This is
the first time we've honored a lady who
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became famous.
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Cruising the streets.
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In a car with a red light, yes.
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As a teenager, Angie began to develop
into the
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fine actress you know today. In fact,
the boys in her high school class used
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love to just sit and watch her develop.
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Well, Angie worked hard and became the
big star she is today. However, playing
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policewoman really had its effect on
Angie's marriage.
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Every night when she and Bert Bachrach
got into bed, Angie turned to Bert and
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00:02:58,710 --> 00:03:01,430
said, I'd like to read you your rights.
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Ladies and gentlemen, one of the
funniest young guys in television, Mr.
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Walker.
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Thank you, Dean.
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That's all right.
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What, you know?
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No, we're here roasting Andy Dickinson,
and she is very qualified for the role
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that she plays on Police Woman.
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She plays a cop named Pepper, and she's
got a great shake -up.
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The only problem is that everybody wants
to take the law into their own hands.
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No. Angie says she likes her men tall,
dark, and handsome.
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I can't believe she hasn't asked me out
yet.
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And I watch police women all the time.
time all the time i dig the shows when
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she wears some disguises you know so
people don't know she was a cop and
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00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:09,210
everything like that there was one when
she wore this skimpy little bikini you
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00:04:09,210 --> 00:04:12,890
know it's really one of those skimpy
ones one sneeze would have blown her
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00:04:12,890 --> 00:04:19,810
cover and earl holland and angie make a
tremendous
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team they like they were going to raid
this massage parlor one time and earl
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told angie that he was going in first
and if he wasn't out in an hour go back
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00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:28,110
the police station without him
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I'll never forget the story where Angie
was disguised as a madam.
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And it was the first time she ever saved
Earl.
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Saved him 50 bucks!
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talented young lady, Cindy Williams.
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We did a picture together, but we don't
want to talk about that because it
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wasn't that they didn't release it. This
thing escaped.
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It was a funny little gal, and, boy,
she's got a lot of vim and some vigor,
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Williams!
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I'd like to begin with a funny little
story that happened to Angie last night
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here in the hotel. It seems she called
down to room service and ordered up a
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tall, cool one filled with gin and ice,
and they carried Dean up to her room.
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All kidding aside, I've been a fan of
Dean's all my life, and I think you look
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terrific. Doesn't he look terrific?
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just amazing what an embalmer can do.
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But enough, enough about people with
talent. We're here to talk about Angie.
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00:06:02,910 --> 00:06:07,230
And all kidding aside, I could go on for
hours about television's first lady,
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about her beauty, her talent, her
humanity, but it seems silly to talk
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Mary Tyler Moore when we're here to
honor this bimbo.
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all you poor thing. But I've done some
snooping around and I have gathered a
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little known facts about Angie
Dickinson.
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Recently, Angie was investigated by the
FBI for going around saying that Jimmy
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Carter and Nipsey Russell share the same
set of teeth.
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00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:43,660
And this is a little fact that no one
has ever known about Angie because she's
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extremely sensitive and modest about it.
But this woman, is so generous that she
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donates her free time, yes, what
precious free time she has, to giving
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lessons to Charlie's Angels.
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Not just Earl Holloman plays the part of
Sergeant Bill Crowley, that tough cop
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who rides around in the front seat of
the patrol car with Angie Dickinson.
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He may be tough, but he's not too
bright. If I was with Angie in a car, I
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be riding in the back seat.
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A fine actor, a fine gentleman, Mr. Earl
Holloman.
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Listen, this is a big pleasure to me
because the first part I ever played in
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movie, I played an elevator operator.
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It was a Dean Martin picture called
Scared Stiff.
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I remember well. I was scared and he was
stiff.
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00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:15,920
I remember what he said to me as he
stepped into the elevator. He said, take
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to the airport and step on it.
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I suspected that Dean had a little
drinking problem even then, because on
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elevators, you know, most people face
the front, not the ceiling.
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But, of course, we're here tonight not
to talk about Dean. We're here to...
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Well, I'm here to talk about the sexiest
cop on TV. But since television values
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couldn't make it... Before our
policewoman show...
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00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,720
Angie and I had never worked together,
but we did know each other slightly.
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Angie is an animal lover, and I'm
president of an organization called
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Others for Animals.
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And we try to find homes for animals
that nobody wants.
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And that's how Angie came to our first
meeting.
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She was trying to find a home for Don
Rickles.
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It wasn't until we started to do the
series that we really got to know each
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other well. And I want to tell you, I
know her very well, and I guarantee you,
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this is no dumb blonde.
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00:09:18,150 --> 00:09:19,770
I know because I've seen her roots.
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But Angie likes to research her job. She
goes down, she hangs around the local
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police stations, the actual police
stations.
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00:09:34,310 --> 00:09:38,370
Of course, there's a lot of raunchy
stories, a lot of full -letter words.
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But I guess the cops have heard all that
stuff before.
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I love you. You know I do. Crazy about
you.
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It's funny. Every place I go around this
country, people say, what's it like to
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work with Angie Dickinson?
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Gee, what's it like to work with Angie?
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Well, I got to tell you guys, it's hard.
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Ladies and gentlemen, a guy who never
gets a dinner.
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Red Button!
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It's a pleasure to be here, ladies and
gentlemen.
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At this roast.
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Oh, the Emmy is coming out. Yeah.
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It is a pleasure.
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And as I stand here tonight...
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Looking at you, Angie Dickinson, two
things are running through my mind.
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The second one is... Why are we
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giving a dinner?
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Why are we giving a dinner for Angie
Dickinson?
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Some of the biggest people in history.
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In the history of the world.
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Never got a dinner.
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Never. The biggies. I mean the biggies.
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Dracula.
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Dracula who said as they drove a wooden
stake through his heart, I hope it's
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just gas.
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Never got a dinner.
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00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:38,900
Captain Bly.
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Captain Bly who said to Mr.
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Christian,
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First we'll have the ripping, then we'll
play shuffleboard.
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00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:59,940
Rip Van Winkle, Rip Van Winkle, who said
to his wife after sleeping 20 years,
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00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:03,800
fine thing, now that I'm all rested up,
you got a headache.
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William Tell's son, Kelly.
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00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:23,030
The son who said to William that his
father aimed at the apple.
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00:12:23,730 --> 00:12:26,410
There must be an easier way to kill
worms.
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00:12:28,050 --> 00:12:34,950
The leading lady in King Kong who said
to Kong,
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that's the last time I sign up for
computer dating.
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Never got a dinner, Billy Carter, who
said to his brother Jimmy, I forgot to
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register.
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I've never had an opportunity to say
this. I'm going to say this now.
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I've had a crush on you for years.
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I mean for years.
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The one thing you can do for me, which
will be the culmination of my entire
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illustrious career, may I have a kiss.
May I have a kiss
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and pull you.
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Of this audience.
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Never kiss a cop on the mouth.
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There he is, Jackie Mason, and it's
beautiful.
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Well, you're thrilled to see me again.
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00:14:05,290 --> 00:14:08,790
And I'm very happy for Angie having the
opportunity to see me in person.
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I finally showed up as a personal favor
to her because this girl has been in
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love with me for years.
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Thank God I kept it quiet.
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I'm not like that piano player with a
big mouth.
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About me, about me, nobody knows because
I feel if she's in love with me, it's
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nobody's business.
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I never told nobody. I never even told
her.
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It wasn't even supposed to be a show in
her honor.
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Couldn't figure out another way how to
get close to me.
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I have a note about our relationship.
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You notice he's not here?
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He never goes in the same room when I'm
with her together.
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I'll tell you something about her show.
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I don't know if you've got time to
listen. You might be busy, too.
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She's got a great show.
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A lot of people like it. I don't know
who they are.
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On all these television shows, I notice
that they catch every crook in a second.
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And all the policemen and all the police
departments all over America can't
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catch one crook, and they're at it all
their lives.
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As soon as a guy gets a television show,
he catches any crook he wants.
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I say if we could get the police
departments out of the police stations
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the television, there would be no crime
in this whole country.
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Everything on television, is either
violence or sex, why don't they go out?
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Music, for instance. How often do you
hear about music on television?
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Don't you think music is more important
than sex? I mean, for a man in your
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condition.
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Don't fall asleep while I'm talking.
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00:16:10,930 --> 00:16:12,810
I think music is more important than
sex.
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00:16:13,190 --> 00:16:14,190
I always thought so.
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00:16:14,630 --> 00:16:18,130
But I found out a strange thing. That if
I don't hear a concert for a year and a
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00:16:18,130 --> 00:16:19,290
half, it don't bother me.
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00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,000
First of all, sex is life. What are they
ashamed of?
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Well, let's be honest about it.
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Isn't sex life?
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00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:36,080
Without sex, would you be it? I think
you would.
189
00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:59,420
a privilege to have Jimmy Stewart at
these clan dates.
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00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:06,339
Not just because he's such a
distinguished actor, but because I love
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00:17:06,339 --> 00:17:07,339
him talk.
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00:17:08,980 --> 00:17:11,880
He's so slow and easy on the draw.
193
00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:14,579
How slow is he, Dino?
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00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,160
Well,
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he's so slow that in his last picture
with John Wayne,
196
00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:26,910
Jimmy Stewart played a doctor who had to
tell the Duke that he had barely two
197
00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:32,230
weeks left to live. By the time Jimmy
finished telling him, John Wayne only
198
00:17:32,230 --> 00:17:33,230
two minutes left.
199
00:17:36,530 --> 00:17:38,450
Here he is, the superstar, Mr.
200
00:17:38,650 --> 00:17:39,790
Jimmy Stewart.
201
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:05,400
you a compliment.
202
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:12,820
You look nifter in a black jacket than
any burnt
203
00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:14,460
potato I've ever seen.
204
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:28,360
I'm here tonight not only to pay tribute
to this pretty young lady, but also to
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00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:29,600
apologize.
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00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:32,060
Apologize.
207
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I'm sorry.
208
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You see, the last time I saw Angie was
over a year ago, and it was at a
209
00:18:42,070 --> 00:18:46,470
Hollywood dinner dance. As a matter of
fact, it was the Golden Globes Award.
210
00:18:47,530 --> 00:18:50,290
Angie won one of them, which was
appropriate.
211
00:18:50,590 --> 00:18:56,710
She was sitting next to me, and the band
was playing this kind of deafening,
212
00:18:56,730 --> 00:18:58,690
raucous and raw music.
213
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:14,670
The dance floor was so crowded, it
looked like sardines
214
00:19:14,670 --> 00:19:19,210
packed in a can doing a fertility dance.
215
00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:25,870
So I got Angie, I said, dancing out
there has just got to be a hassle.
216
00:19:26,390 --> 00:19:28,450
And she said, yes, I'd love to.
217
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,940
And so I shouted back, you'd love to
what?
218
00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:37,360
And she said, I'd love to do the hustle.
219
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,720
And before I knew it, she had me by the
hand. We were out in the middle of the
220
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:47,900
floor. Now, let me start by explaining
that the hustle is a
221
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:54,320
modern dance, and I'm not what you might
call your typical
222
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,600
hustler.
223
00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:10,480
If you're my age, you shouldn't dance at
discotheques. You know, at our time of
224
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:15,340
life, you know, it
225
00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:22,760
isn't
226
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:29,220
really dancing, you know, it's just
committing suicide one joint at a time.
227
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:35,200
Don't you think so? Well, it depends on
which joints you go to.
228
00:20:37,380 --> 00:20:44,280
They had a live young band at this dance
229
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:51,160
as I was with Angie. It was named Dow
Jones and His Industrial
230
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,160
Averages.
231
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:59,960
I mean, I appreciate good music, but I'm
really...
232
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,540
Not much for go -go dancing.
233
00:21:02,860 --> 00:21:05,200
Most of my go -go's already gone.
234
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:17,320
You see, this thing about the hustle is
you start out
235
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:24,100
facing your partner, and then you
shuffle back and away a couple of steps,
236
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:24,919
then you turn.
237
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,900
And then you shuffle back and away
again, and then you turn.
238
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:34,580
and so forth. Well, I got a rotten sense
of direction, and that night I remember
239
00:21:34,580 --> 00:21:41,240
I did a shuffle, and I found myself
shuffling again
240
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:46,780
and back and away, and then I found I
was alone.
241
00:21:50,900 --> 00:21:54,560
I was outside in the parking lot.
242
00:21:58,570 --> 00:22:00,530
I forgot to get them to stamp my hand.
243
00:22:10,670 --> 00:22:12,370
They wouldn't let me in.
244
00:22:14,110 --> 00:22:15,290
So I went home.
245
00:22:16,990 --> 00:22:18,150
But tonight,
246
00:22:19,290 --> 00:22:24,590
Angie, I'd just like to thank you for
that dance. It was awful nice.
247
00:22:25,210 --> 00:22:28,290
Next time, I'll bring my Arthur Murray
foxtrot chart.
248
00:22:58,110 --> 00:23:00,550
Okay, I love you, and I will always love
you.
249
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:02,770
I love you from the bottom of my heart.
250
00:23:02,990 --> 00:23:04,570
Now, I'm not going to roast you.
251
00:23:04,790 --> 00:23:07,490
I'm going to tell you what I do not like
about your show.
252
00:23:09,710 --> 00:23:12,170
I do not appreciate the writing on the
show.
253
00:23:12,750 --> 00:23:15,450
I saw one story. I did not believe it
until with my own eyes.
254
00:23:15,710 --> 00:23:19,710
The robber goes into the bank, says to
the teller, give me your money. The
255
00:23:19,710 --> 00:23:21,770
teller gives him the money, okay?
256
00:23:22,150 --> 00:23:26,230
The teller stops on an alarm, steps down
on it. The cops are there. This is
257
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:30,190
genius. Took the money, went to another
cage, opened up an account, and on the
258
00:23:30,190 --> 00:23:31,190
way out, they gave him a toaster.
259
00:23:44,510 --> 00:23:45,850
Mr. Joe Bishop.
260
00:23:49,950 --> 00:23:51,210
Captain Brother.
261
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,460
I'm really happy to be here and meet the
lovely Angie Dickinson.
262
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,960
Yeah, I'm a big fan of her show.
263
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:13,060
But one thing, I think that there's a
little bit too much violence.
264
00:24:13,740 --> 00:24:20,120
I counted 36 shootings, 12 killings, 44
assaults, and 61 muggings.
265
00:24:20,380 --> 00:24:21,940
That was just the opening titles.
266
00:24:24,660 --> 00:24:28,040
You know, as a garbage man, I believe if
you want to find out about people,
267
00:24:28,140 --> 00:24:29,340
check their barrels.
268
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,100
Because you got a flash from the trash.
269
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,200
Well, it's a pleasure picking up Angie's
trash.
270
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,400
She got the best -shaped barrels in
Beverly Hills.
271
00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:47,860
It was a little different in my old
neighborhood.
272
00:24:48,380 --> 00:24:50,400
Trash barrels didn't last five minutes.
273
00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:55,000
We used to put the garbage in a fancy
box, put it on the porch, and wait for
274
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,000
somebody to steal it.
275
00:24:59,050 --> 00:25:00,550
That was a bad neighborhood.
276
00:25:01,430 --> 00:25:04,110
Shabby, rundown, and ugly.
277
00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:08,610
It was the worst shape than LaWanda
Page.
278
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:10,490
Hold on there, turkey.
279
00:25:11,670 --> 00:25:16,090
Come on up here and tell me what you
want to tell me. I want to say it out
280
00:25:16,610 --> 00:25:20,410
Come on up here and tell me what you
want to tell me. We're going to start
281
00:25:20,410 --> 00:25:21,410
moving.
282
00:25:22,150 --> 00:25:24,710
Don't say I ain't going to say it,
honey.
283
00:25:25,260 --> 00:25:28,760
All right, throw him and tell me
something. Don't get me started. Don't
284
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:29,760
riled up.
285
00:25:30,020 --> 00:25:32,340
Black coat jacket.
286
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:44,700
Last time I saw a face like yours,
honey, a jockey was feeding
287
00:25:44,700 --> 00:25:45,700
it sugar.
288
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,760
Maybe push your face in batter and make
gorilla cookies.
289
00:26:00,330 --> 00:26:05,170
Man, nobody cares anything about you
except using your head for bowling for
290
00:26:05,170 --> 00:26:06,170
dollars.
291
00:26:08,210 --> 00:26:09,570
Bug off, Simmy.
292
00:26:11,350 --> 00:26:13,970
I'm looking forward to my 40th birthday.
293
00:26:14,830 --> 00:26:17,810
Yeah, well, just keep on looking because
you're going in the wrong direction.
294
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:28,760
I've lived, honey.
295
00:26:28,820 --> 00:26:31,720
Well, I've lived, girl. What are you
talking about? I've lived.
296
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:33,140
I mean recently.
297
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:38,260
So long, sucker.
298
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,260
So long, sucker.
299
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:02,420
love the way Angie Dickinson plays the
part of Sergeant Pepper Anderson on
300
00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:09,300
Police Woman, but what do real police
women think about it? Tonight,
301
00:27:09,460 --> 00:27:14,580
we have one of those police women with
us to give her opinion.
302
00:27:15,500 --> 00:27:18,080
Sergeant Gladys Armstead.
303
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,120
about being a policewoman.
304
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,420
I'm going to tell everybody out there
what a phony you are.
305
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,860
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going
to bare my chest.
306
00:27:41,860 --> 00:27:44,680
I don't know about you folks, but I'm
getting out of here.
307
00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:55,360
As for her, she gets her credit for
making women cops famous.
308
00:27:55,580 --> 00:27:56,680
What does she know?
309
00:28:01,420 --> 00:28:03,780
thing that's flat baby and
310
00:28:03,780 --> 00:28:10,480
don't you
311
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:15,120
just love the way that angie dickinson
runs around and disguises all the time
312
00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:22,000
well she's nothing zip zero zero in the
police department i'm known as the woman
313
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,720
of a thousand faces now why'd you bring
that one
314
00:28:54,640 --> 00:29:00,820
everybody's eyes she's not a real cop
she just gets by in her body you know I
315
00:29:00,820 --> 00:29:04,840
went jogging with her the other day and
when she hung up her sweatshirt
316
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:06,020
sweatshirt
317
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,040
assignments, the best cases.
318
00:29:26,300 --> 00:29:29,620
Me, they send to the airport to sniff
packages.
319
00:29:35,900 --> 00:29:40,480
And did you ever see her trying to trap
a peeping Tom standing in front of a
320
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:44,860
window in her lingerie? Well, it's not
like that in real life, Angie.
321
00:29:45,140 --> 00:29:46,420
I tried it.
322
00:31:04,780 --> 00:31:07,160
What? A citation for overacting.
323
00:31:58,380 --> 00:32:04,740
with all that violence and still come
out unscratched with every hair in
324
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:06,760
Well, there are two reasons.
325
00:32:07,420 --> 00:32:12,880
One, she's got a hell of a hairdresser,
and the other reason is our next guest,
326
00:32:13,780 --> 00:32:16,280
Angie Dickinson's double.
327
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:38,100
Thank you, Dean.
328
00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:43,260
I know you all find it difficult in
telling Angie and me apart.
329
00:32:48,180 --> 00:32:50,340
That's why they picked me for her
double.
330
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,220
Because I look exactly like her.
331
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:53,880
In the beginning.
332
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:55,300
Before I chip my tooth.
333
00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:58,800
And I love this girl.
334
00:32:59,140 --> 00:33:05,500
For her, I'd climb the highest mountain,
swim the deepest river, and jump from
335
00:33:05,500 --> 00:33:07,420
the tallest building, which I've done
many times.
336
00:33:09,020 --> 00:33:13,100
Without me, Angie Dickinson wouldn't be
where she is today, alive.
337
00:33:33,550 --> 00:33:35,350
Here she is again, Miss LaWanda.
338
00:33:35,950 --> 00:33:37,470
Hey, LaWanda!
339
00:33:37,670 --> 00:33:38,670
Hey!
340
00:33:46,990 --> 00:33:48,990
Well, thank you, Drano.
341
00:33:50,970 --> 00:33:54,530
Drano. Not the way your face is flushed.
342
00:33:59,330 --> 00:34:02,530
I'm so happy to be back on another
celebrity road.
343
00:34:03,310 --> 00:34:07,230
You know, there are three groups of
guests that appear on these shows.
344
00:34:08,010 --> 00:34:12,389
One group comes on because they're
personal friends of the guest of honor.
345
00:34:13,150 --> 00:34:17,230
And the second group comes on because
they are wild and crazy.
346
00:34:20,449 --> 00:34:24,830
Then there's those guests like me who
are here for one reason.
347
00:34:25,469 --> 00:34:27,389
They have a beautiful body.
348
00:34:28,290 --> 00:34:30,449
I got it, honey. You ain't the only one,
you know.
349
00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:35,020
to be real good at body work, baby.
350
00:34:35,260 --> 00:34:38,000
Well, you ain't gonna dent my fender.
351
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:47,300
Just cool down, you heavy breathing
honky.
352
00:34:51,739 --> 00:34:54,320
It's a real privilege for me to be here
tonight.
353
00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:59,760
Standing between lovely and mean.
354
00:35:01,870 --> 00:35:04,150
and load it in obscene.
355
00:35:20,210 --> 00:35:25,050
Ladies and gentlemen, my good buddy, a
great genius, Mr. Orson Welles.
356
00:35:33,450 --> 00:35:37,730
With P .V. Policewoman Angie, you've
been forced to descend into some pretty
357
00:35:37,730 --> 00:35:39,150
squalid areas.
358
00:35:39,930 --> 00:35:41,630
Did you ever dream you'd sink to this?
359
00:35:45,390 --> 00:35:49,830
The MGM brand is very grand, but what
are the rest of us? The male contingent
360
00:35:49,830 --> 00:35:56,230
a sorry list of molting Mary Andrews,
faded japesters, jaded jesters,
361
00:35:56,330 --> 00:35:59,810
and one obese and superannuated
Shakespearean.
362
00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:06,960
Ruth Busby, of course, is something
else.
363
00:36:07,740 --> 00:36:10,020
Just what? I don't know. But something.
364
00:36:12,460 --> 00:36:16,280
One can understand her feeling a certain
animosity toward Angie.
365
00:36:17,020 --> 00:36:21,520
Ruth, after all, is a woman who has
never defended her honor or had the
366
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:22,520
opportunity.
367
00:36:27,180 --> 00:36:31,160
Wasn't it Jimmy Walker, whose flashing
wit was directed at Angie's frailty?
368
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:36,480
from a man so physically inconsequential
that he has to bring along a friend to
369
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:37,480
cast a shadow?
370
00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:44,520
For the first five years of his life,
his parents thought he was a clarinet.
371
00:36:47,780 --> 00:36:52,100
And Earl Holloman, where does he get
off? A man who developed a whole acting
372
00:36:52,100 --> 00:36:53,600
career on just three little words.
373
00:36:53,820 --> 00:36:54,940
Be careful, Pepper.
374
00:36:59,820 --> 00:37:04,040
We come now to a performer whose very
name is the tip -off on the general tone
375
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:05,240
of these proceedings.
376
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:07,120
Red Buttons.
377
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:09,320
That's not a name, it's a condition.
378
00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:20,020
There's not a man at this table who
hasn't, at the words of our great
379
00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:22,340
lusted for you in his heart.
380
00:37:26,500 --> 00:37:28,140
We've all attempted the impossible.
381
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:34,160
We've tried to put you down, and the
truth is that none of us are up to it.
382
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:35,160
is?
383
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:42,480
Who can roast a rainbow or insult a
perfect rose?
384
00:37:57,870 --> 00:38:03,590
Before Angie Dickinson took over the
role of Sergeant Pepper Anderson, the
385
00:38:03,590 --> 00:38:09,010
police department assigned her their top
instructor, Inspector Foster Brooks.
386
00:38:19,550 --> 00:38:22,430
Now, I'd like to turn my attention...
387
00:38:25,260 --> 00:38:31,800
I'd like to turn my attention to my
favorite female as far as Sergeant
388
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:40,520
I thought this young lady, everything
she knows, and whenever I see her on
389
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:45,600
television, my chest swells with pride.
390
00:38:46,060 --> 00:38:47,920
And that goes double for her.
391
00:38:51,500 --> 00:38:54,560
It's pretty obvious that Sergeant Pooper
has great...
392
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:59,260
Physical atro... atro... atro... She
looks... Well, she's built like a brick
393
00:38:59,260 --> 00:39:00,260
precinct house.
394
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:11,160
I thought... I thought... I thought
Sergeant Pamper was...
395
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:16,680
one of my old, old police tricks.
396
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:21,040
Keep a gun... Keep a gun strapped to
your ankle.
397
00:39:21,610 --> 00:39:26,830
That always worked well for her until
one day she was... She was... She was
398
00:39:26,830 --> 00:39:29,050
disarmed by a midget mugger.
399
00:39:33,790 --> 00:39:38,270
I really enjoyed working with Sergeant
Po -Po -Po -Po.
400
00:39:38,870 --> 00:39:44,310
During undercover training, we had a
break -up or massage parlor.
401
00:39:45,530 --> 00:39:49,850
She went... She went in as a... She...
402
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:56,460
She went in as a... One of those people
would grab you all over.
403
00:40:01,060 --> 00:40:04,300
And I went in as a customer.
404
00:40:05,140 --> 00:40:07,980
I solved the case immediately.
405
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:10,540
But I didn't tell you for two weeks.
406
00:40:19,340 --> 00:40:24,680
All the time that Sergeant Pippin and I
were together, she only did one thing
407
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:30,200
wrong. I took her on our stakeout and
told her to be careful.
408
00:40:30,460 --> 00:40:33,020
Make sure you don't expose yourself.
409
00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:36,260
Unfortunately, she did.
410
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,660
And I forgot all about the case.
411
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:04,640
This guest is a distinguished motion
picture and television critic, Mr. Rex
412
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:11,260
Reed. We asked Rex if he would take some
time from his busy schedule
413
00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,760
and review our show tonight.
414
00:41:16,460 --> 00:41:22,200
And here he is, our critic at large, Mr.
415
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:23,980
Rex Reed.
416
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:40,420
Actually, I would go anywhere to honor
Angie Dickinson, the star of Police
417
00:41:40,420 --> 00:41:41,420
Woman.
418
00:41:41,580 --> 00:41:47,120
After all these years, Angie, you're
finally paying for the sins of Rachel
419
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:56,660
You look radiant this evening, as
always, of course.
420
00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:03,280
It's easy to look radiant when you're
sitting across from a guy with a glow
421
00:42:10,350 --> 00:42:16,910
And as I survey the dais here, all these
folks, it reminds me of a picture I
422
00:42:16,910 --> 00:42:20,210
just reviewed, The Voyage of the Damned.
423
00:42:25,050 --> 00:42:30,230
As for the performances this evening,
well, who could forget Earl Holloman,
424
00:42:30,450 --> 00:42:31,910
Angie's co -star.
425
00:42:32,570 --> 00:42:36,230
He provided one of the brightest spots
of the evening, I'm pleased to note. It
426
00:42:36,230 --> 00:42:38,070
was a real crowd pleaser.
427
00:42:38,830 --> 00:42:40,470
It was the moment he sat down.
428
00:42:43,330 --> 00:42:45,870
And a great Jimmy Stewart. Oh, wow.
429
00:42:46,590 --> 00:42:50,050
Jimmy won an Oscar in 1940 for The
Philadelphia Story.
430
00:42:50,930 --> 00:42:57,090
And again this year, he will be
appearing at the Academy Awards to try
431
00:42:57,090 --> 00:42:58,350
his acceptance speech.
432
00:43:02,610 --> 00:43:07,670
And I love Red Buttons. He delivered
another great...
433
00:43:08,060 --> 00:43:14,740
Monologue with faultless timing. He
started out slow and maintained
434
00:43:14,740 --> 00:43:15,740
that pace.
435
00:43:19,100 --> 00:43:25,100
The lighting, actually, for the show was
serviceable, but it did leave something
436
00:43:25,100 --> 00:43:26,100
to be desired.
437
00:43:26,500 --> 00:43:33,420
The light should have been turned off,
especially when Ruth Buzzy came
438
00:43:33,420 --> 00:43:34,420
on.
439
00:43:39,150 --> 00:43:43,030
Lawanda Page was the fashion hit of the
evening. She was outfitted in a new line
440
00:43:43,030 --> 00:43:46,790
of ecology wear, a recycled hefty bag.
441
00:43:50,490 --> 00:43:57,490
At the podium for a short turn,
mercifully, was the talented Joey
442
00:43:57,490 --> 00:44:00,870
Bishop, America's most famous substitute
host.
443
00:44:02,850 --> 00:44:07,970
And as usual, Joey brought along his
stock in trade, substitute jokes.
444
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:18,060
In just a few moments, we'll all witness
that wonderful climactic moment when
445
00:44:18,060 --> 00:44:23,780
our lovely guest of honor will rise to
thank all of her friends and express her
446
00:44:23,780 --> 00:44:24,780
gratitude.
447
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:28,000
I just really can't wait for that
moment.
448
00:44:30,380 --> 00:44:33,340
We've been here so long, Angie thinks
she's at the Emmy Awards.
449
00:44:37,540 --> 00:44:41,220
But I just want you all to know that
tomorrow morning,
450
00:44:42,710 --> 00:44:48,970
After this show is telecast to millions
of people and I show up at the
451
00:44:48,970 --> 00:44:53,870
unemployment bureau, I'm going to be in
some swell company.
452
00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:17,740
Time to meet the star of police, woman,
Angie Dickinson, our lady of the hour.
453
00:45:17,820 --> 00:45:19,940
I wish you could be spent with me.
454
00:45:22,300 --> 00:45:27,880
Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite and
mine, Miss Angie Dickinson.
455
00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:51,040
Here's my chance to respond to the dais,
and I lost my police manual on how to
456
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:52,260
handle derelicts.
457
00:45:53,300 --> 00:45:57,400
Really, the jokes you comedians told
tonight, you should get your own show.
458
00:45:57,400 --> 00:45:58,400
squad.
459
00:46:01,820 --> 00:46:02,820
Let me see.
460
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:05,400
Red buttons. I think we'll start with
you.
461
00:46:06,200 --> 00:46:09,500
While you were up here, I couldn't help
thinking it's incredible how...
462
00:46:09,920 --> 00:46:12,260
Far you've come with your nightclub and
television career.
463
00:46:12,700 --> 00:46:15,800
You know, despite your obvious handicap,
your movie career.
464
00:46:18,100 --> 00:46:24,360
I can't go up here and tell nasty things
about my friends. Can you stand up and
465
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:27,740
help me? I'll do anything you wish.
Anything you're sure. Anything you...
466
00:46:27,740 --> 00:46:31,100
don't know if I can stand... Oh, yeah, I
can stand up.
467
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:33,720
There, I made it.
468
00:46:37,460 --> 00:46:38,520
What do you want me to do?
469
00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:40,130
What would you like to do?
470
00:46:45,790 --> 00:46:46,790
Anything you want.
471
00:46:47,210 --> 00:46:51,010
Well, I don't know. I guess I'll just
thank my friends and you take it from
472
00:46:51,010 --> 00:46:51,968
there.
473
00:46:51,970 --> 00:46:56,530
Well, remember the famous words of Earl
Shive who once said to Angie Dickinson,
474
00:46:56,670 --> 00:47:00,530
you don't need a whole paint job, just
let me touch up your body.
475
00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:11,400
Speaking of bodies, that reminds me of
Ruth Buzzy.
476
00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:13,980
I'm glad to see you here again, Ruth.
477
00:47:14,240 --> 00:47:15,240
Take it, Dean.
478
00:47:15,620 --> 00:47:21,760
Nobody knows this, but Ruth Buzzy once
auditioned for the Gold Diggers. And the
479
00:47:21,760 --> 00:47:24,780
next day, the price of gold went down
$10.
480
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:31,940
Scatman brothers, you were funny
tonight.
481
00:47:32,540 --> 00:47:37,710
Scatman drove up to Las Vegas in one of
those... New cars with an airbag in it.
482
00:47:37,770 --> 00:47:39,070
La Wanda Page.
483
00:47:44,870 --> 00:47:49,250
Rex Reed, as a television and newspaper
critic, you have no equal.
484
00:47:49,750 --> 00:47:52,370
That's true, Rex. You have no equal.
485
00:47:53,090 --> 00:47:55,650
Superiors, yes, but no equal.
486
00:47:58,430 --> 00:48:03,110
And what an evening this has been for
Eve Arden, our Miss Brooks.
487
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:08,250
Yes, Miss Brooks finally reunited with
her son, Foster.
488
00:48:16,330 --> 00:48:18,830
And Jimmy Walker, what can I say about
you?
489
00:48:19,470 --> 00:48:20,790
You could say skinny.
490
00:48:21,910 --> 00:48:26,010
As Ed McMahon would say, how skinny is
he?
491
00:48:26,470 --> 00:48:29,350
Patten him up and you can use him for
dental floss.
492
00:48:33,450 --> 00:48:37,030
If he had holes in his tuxedo, it'd look
like a clarinet.
493
00:48:37,750 --> 00:48:41,730
Or I've seen more meat on a goose
pimple.
494
00:48:45,170 --> 00:48:47,510
I feel like I'm back with Jerry.
495
00:48:58,170 --> 00:49:02,680
Well, one of the reasons that I love
doing Police Woman is, of course, Earl
496
00:49:02,680 --> 00:49:07,520
Holloman. Well, Earl Holloman must love
playing a cop because before the show,
497
00:49:07,620 --> 00:49:11,420
he spent a half hour frisking Cindy
Williams.
498
00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:18,820
What I love about Earl, he is so
helpful. He's given so much of himself
499
00:49:18,820 --> 00:49:23,300
others. And what he's left with isn't
too thrilling.
500
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:31,220
Cindy Williams, thank you, thank you for
coming.
501
00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:36,820
You know, on the Laverne and Shirley
show, Cindy works in a brewery, so when
502
00:49:36,820 --> 00:49:41,680
got up here yesterday, I took her for a
tour through the wine country, my
503
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:42,680
dressing room.
504
00:49:45,840 --> 00:49:49,440
Kathy Rigby, I've admired you since you
won that gold medal on the parallel
505
00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:52,860
bars. You know, Dean, you've really got
to be some kind of athlete to work on
506
00:49:52,860 --> 00:49:53,860
those bars.
507
00:49:57,000 --> 00:50:01,420
I don't know. I've never been on bars,
but I...
508
00:50:01,770 --> 00:50:03,070
Been under a lot of them.
509
00:50:05,610 --> 00:50:07,130
Well, I guess that's about it.
510
00:50:08,390 --> 00:50:09,390
Out of jokes?
511
00:50:09,510 --> 00:50:11,030
No, out of booze. It's over.
42486
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