Original subtitles

Uh... What's happening right now? Max, are you smoking crack?

It's not crack, it's lipstick. I can afford crack.

I'm at the end of my lipstick, I can't afford a new one, so I'm going all Breaking Bad.

Breaking Bad? We're more like broke and sad.

You're free-basing lipstick, and look, this heel is starting to wobble.

Here, stick this in and hold it.

I swear I've said that before, but I don't think it was about shoes.

Yo. Doll face! It's been 10 minutes.

His chowder and my spaghetti, where's the food?

Where's the food? Where's your neck?

I wasn't listening, I was looking at your boobs.

Well, I do what I can, but they'll never be as big as yours.

-Pick up. Meatball. -Hey, hot stuff, where's the hot stuff?

Max, you were right. The heel is much more-- No.

No, wait. No, it's not-- It's gonna--

Those are the biggest balls those guys have had in their laps...

...since they started steroids.

I can't believe you masking taped a shoe to your leg.

I know, but these are Christian Louboutins, and even all busted up like this...

...they still have the classic red bottoms.

You know what else has red bottoms? Baboons.

You walk around with a couple of them on your feet and I'm impressed.

Well, at least you can't see those stupid bows.

Who puts bows on their shoes? What's the gift, your stinky feet?

You don't think I hate the bows? I bought these as an impulse purchase.

I didn't know I'd be shackled with them for eternity.

Oh, Caroline, I never noticed you had a club foot.

I would have set you up with my brother.

-I broke my shoe in the diner. -Oh, I can help.

I always carry my gym shoes in my bag.

I'm sorry they're so conservative, but the weight room is a real meat rack.

Sophie, that's so sweet.

I still have still have one pair of my own shoes.

Oh. Take them just in case.

You should take them, you'll make 20 bucks just walking to work.

And some of your mail mixed with mine.

This is the third time that mail lady did that.

All right, nightie night.

Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you.

Let me explain. I am not a Scientologist.

I went that one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife.

No, we've been pre-approved for a credit card.

What? How the hell did we get pre-approved?

It says all we have to do is go online and apply...

...and we can be approved in under two minutes.

Slow down, Quasimodo, I can't have a credit card.

Someone gave me a bag of cookies once and I ate the entire thing without breathing.

You're not a child anymore, you have more discipline.

The cookies were yesterday.

Okay, what is that thing? What is that spinning wheel?

-It's just processing our application. -No, it's not.

It's finding out everything about us.

Now it's finding out your dad stole millions of dollars.

Now it's finding out I got fired from eight Dairy Queens.

Now it's finding out why I got fired from eight Dairy Queens.

Oh, my God. Max, we're approved! We've just been approved!

What? What is wrong with them? Does Dairy Queen report nothing?

-Get back on there and disapprove us. -Okay, calm down.

We need this card for our business.

All we have to do is communicate about every purchase.

Keep an open dialogue.

So opening dialogue, for our business, I would like a pair of Louboutins.

Opening dialogue, no.

And I felt stupid miming that. I hate the arts.

Look, you can't get everything you want.

I would like a box of lizards.

Love lizards, always have. You don't see me putting that on a credit card.

I need a new pair of shoes for business meetings.

You know, dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

Okay, fine. If you're getting the shoes, then I'm getting what I want.

I hope you're happy with an apartment full of lizards and lipstick.

Also, some of those lizards will be wearing lipstick.

Earl, you are looking particularly gorgeous this evening.

Well, I would say, "Don't flatter me," but let's face it...

...everything came together tonight.

Is it another woman? Should I be filled with anger?

I mean, more than I usually am.

I just wanted to look nice for my son when he comes in.

What? No way, I'm gonna meet your kid?

Well, one of them.

-One of them? How many do you have? -So far?

-Oh, Earl. I love you. -This is my son Darius.

He's the number one Chrysler salesman in all of Detroit.

And he's my very favorite, if he's the one I'm thinking of.

-Excuse me, but aren't you Max? -Of?

-Max's Homemade Cupcakes! -Aah!

Earl, look. Our credit card came in the mail today, see?

"Max Black." No more using the card I found at Six Flags.

Thank you for never checking your statement, Agnes Chin.

Girls, take my advice and be very careful with that thing.

Credit cards are more trouble than a priest at a Wiggles concert.

-Yes, Earl. -Yes, Earl.

I can't believe it, a credit card for our business.

So when are we getting the shoes and lizards?

Max, remember, we have to be grownups about this.

Of course. Two lizards, please. No, make it three.

Hi, I'm looking for Earl.

And, no, I'm not here to return a bag of skunky weed.

Oh, my God, I am so excited to see you.

Come on in, I'll take really, really good care of you.

Oh, you need to know I just separated from my wife, so I'm a little vulnerable.

She's not usually this nice to customers.

She's just excited, she's about to come into some lizards.

Yeah, again, I've been out of the dating pool for a while...

...so everything sounds like a sexual innuendo to me.

He is not a customer. Look at him. Don't you see the resemblance?

Oh, my God, is he your father?

Yes, he is my father.

And my mother is a piece of chalk.

Daddy!

Thank God, it is the one I thought. There's my little boy!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

So, Darius, what was Earl like as a dad? Must have been great, huh?

I bet he packed the coolest lunches. A joint for recess and a gin-and-juice box?

Oh, yeah, yeah, he was a great dad. I mean, he was always there.

Except for my childhood. Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. Ha-ha-ha.

Earl is sitting right there.

Oh, it's a joke. Take it easy there, Fun Size.

Han, take no offense, he's just pulling your leg a little.

Darius has always been funny. Or am I thinking about Terrance?

Oh, no, I'm the funny one, Dad.

I don't recall there being a Terrance in our family.

But I don't know how far you've thrown your seed.

Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh.

Do you?

Darius was voted the funniest salesman at the Chrysler dealership.

Yes, I was. And that's why I quit my job.

To pursue my dream to become a comedian.

See? See? He's funny. Always making jokes.

That's not a joke, Daddy.

No, no, that's why I'm in town.

To audition at the comedy club tomorrow night.

Already got my stage name. Darius the Hilarious.

-I think it's a good choice, right? -Is it?

Well, obviously, Big D, we will all be there to support you.

Will we?

Hold up, Darius, how did all of this happen?

Well, I mean, I knew a guy at Cadillac who knew a guy at Toyota...

...who knew a guy at Subaru who sold the club owner a Dodge.

Then he hit a kid with it. The kid should've dodged. Ha-ha.

You gotta laugh.

There's a dead kid in the mix and we gotta laugh?

It's not his fault he's not funny, we put his sense of humor on a high shelf.

Hey, Max, you know, Daddy always told me you were special.

And now I see it.

And it's not just because you think everything I say is funny.

You feel like family.

I do? Oh, I always wanted a brother who was a brother.

Max, do you expect me to wait on all the tables tonight?

Well, I am kind of in the middle of my family reunion right now.

-And where is Mr. Hilarious' soup? -Look at blondie here.

She's like, "Oh, my God, do black people even eat soup?

It's, like, whatever."

That is a dead-on Caroline.

Is it?

Here are the order tickets from tonight.

This pile is for the people who found hair.

These are the hairs that the people found.

You sound Russian. That's funny because you're not rushing to make my soup.

No, no, no, I'm kidding there, man, I get it.

You're just too busy back there not putting on deodorant.

-Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. Ha-ha-ha. -Do you?

Max, I might be crazy, but now I feel like the heel on this shoe is starting to--

Gosh. I gotta go wipe this down. You know, I was gonna wear this for my audition.

-And that's gotta go well. -Yes, it does.

Because, son, there are two jobs in Detroit, and you just quit one of them.

Don't worry, Daddy, I'll make you proud. All right? You'll see.

Daddy's been wrong before. He didn't think I could make it on Soul Train .

There I was, in the bottom left corner on the soul train.

-I feel so terrible. -We have to buy him a new shirt.

Max, I've made $7 so far, we can't afford to buy him a shirt.

We can go shopping for a reasonable shirt. We have to, he's family.

Is he? And I have to say, I don't like that brand of put-down humor.

That blond stereotype? I don't even say "whatever."

But, you know, it's fine. Whatever.

Max, slow down. I can't walk any faster in Sophie's giant sneakers.

I can't believe she benches 250 in these.

Oh, my God, my hand just touched the subway floor.

How do I know someone didn't pee here?

Oh, honey, I've peed here.

This is New York, it's made of pee.

And pee hand is what you get for refusing to wear flat shoes.

No way. I'm living close to the gutter as it is.

I can't risk being any shorter.

Here's where we're meeting Darius. Subway Style.

Every time I walk by this place I wonder who would ever shop here.

Now I know. Us.

First, my heel breaks and now I'm shopping underground.

How much lower can I get, brunch on the Earth's core?

Mm. Oh. Excuse my mouthful.

Mm. I wasn't expecting ladies. We usually just sell to pimps and pastors.

What can I help you dolls with?

We're here meeting a friend. We're gonna help him pick out a shirt.

That guy. He's already in the dressing room trying one on now.

Now, listen, if the price is too high, you and I can negotiate.

Or you.

I still can't believe we're using our tip money to buy him a shirt.

We're only gonna spend, like, $40. And you heard the man, it can go down.

If you go down.

Oh, hey, ladies, there you are. Look, I switched it up a bit.

You like me in pink? My boyfriend does.

He says it makes my cheeks look rosy, all four of them.

Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. You gotta laugh.

Darius, we're family, so I'm just going to tell you like it is.

That material feels a little funky.

That kind of humor might have worked at Toyota--

-It's Chrysler. -Whatever. But this is New York.

There are a lot of people, be them gays or blonds...

...who might take offense to that. I mean, I don't, but whatever.

Oh, no, no, I was just playing.

That's not the kind of stuff I'm gonna do in my act.

No, I wrote some real jokes with a comic back home.

He's Jewish, so you know it's gonna be funny and not cheap. Ha-ha.

-Again, see, that's the kind of stuff-- -Caroline, come on, it's so wrong it's right.

I have the jokes right here.

Let's take them on a test drive, see how they do.

All right? So back it up, ladies, you're going to need some laughing room.

-This is gonna be hilarious. -Okay.

Anybody here have a Smart car?

Because I don't think it's smart to drive half a car.

That was new. I'll keep working on it. All right, let's try another one.

You know what? Maybe we weren't back far enough.

Yeah. Yeah, that feels funnier already. Right, Caroline?

All right. You know who doesn't drive a Smart car? Smart people.

They don't do it.

You gotta laugh. Ha-ha. Seriously, you got to.

I got a lot riding on this.

I just got it. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God, he stinks.

He stinks on ice. Darius is gonna bomb tonight.

And worse, he's gonna bomb in front of Earl.

And Earl's pretty sure that's the son he's most proud of.

You're right, what are we gonna do?

Now, I know you lovely ladies came in for a shirt...

...but can I interest you in a nice suit? Look at this one. It's a classic.

You can't get this color aboveground.

That's it! Darius needs a suit.

All the professional comedians wear suits, and like you said...

...you have to dress for the job you want.

And with jokes like that, he needs the funniest suit they have.

Do you got anything from the Sinbad collection?

I do.

Max, I don't think the suit's gonna be enough.

I think he needs something else. You know, like a puppet.

A puppet? That's exactly what he needs.

I went out with a guy last night, asked me if we could go Dutch.

I said, "I don't know, what's Dutch for 'cheap-ass bitch'?"

You kick him to the curb!

We'll be right back, because momma's gotta go put her feet up.

Miss? Can we get another round when you get a chance?

-Another round? -Keep them coming...

...till we can no longer see. Put it on my card.

-You got it. -Man, that feels good every time.

Hey, Max, just because you're buying me drinks doesn't mean I'm going to put out.

Ha-ha-ha. My celery stick is my microphone at the comedy club.

I'm here. I'm here.

-Did you get the puppet? -Oh, I got the puppet.

Ah-ah-ah.

Hey, come on in.

Hey, girls, how you doing? Darius the Hilarious is pumped.

I'm totally in my zone right now. And I can't miss in this suit.

-Well... -Well...

Darius, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.

You know we're big fans. You're amazing, your act's incredible.

You're Darius the Hilarious.

-Max and I love the Smart car stuff. -It's hilarious, per your name.

But, well, it is New York. Not a lot of people are smart or have cars.

You know New York, not exactly the cutting edge.

After Max and I left, we had a thought.

We got you a puppet.

And, yes, I was stoned, but Caroline was laughing just as hard as me.

-You got me a what? -A puppet. We got you a puppet.

-But I don't use a puppet. -Until you do.

-Just imagine. At the end or the beginning-- -Or all the way through.

"Ladies and Gentleman, Darius the Hilarious...

...and his partner, Justin Beaver."

Damn, girl. And I mean dam as in, I built one. Ha-ha-ha.

And you don't even have to be funny, Justin Beaver does the work for you.

Show him, Max.

I'm straight. Ha-ha-ha.

-You gotta laugh. -You gotta laugh.

Do I?

I mean, honestly, making fun of Justin Beaver's sexuality...

...I find that a tad offensive.

This next act comes to us from the Motor City.

Please give it up for Mr. Darius the Hilarious.

All right. How's everybody doing tonight?

Who out there has a Smart car?

Because I don't think it's smart to drive a half a car.

You gotta laugh. Heh-heh.

Oh, no. I ran out of fake laughter.

Yeah, I mean, a Smart car, have you seen this thing?

It's like you're driving around in a backpack.

You gotta laugh.

Do we? Why don't you have a Smart car write some jokes for you?

Yeah, well, I can see why you would defend the Smart car.

It's the only car your feet can reach the pedals in.

That's so true, he's very short.

As is the car. It all lines up.

Look at this gray-haired scrub, man. Apparently black do crack.

Hey, Don King called, said he want his whole head back.

Max, look. Look how proud Earl is.

Hey, hey, hey, blondie. You mind not talking till I finish?

Wait, you're probably just thinking: "Oh, my God!

Shoes, shoes, hair brush, shoes."

Oh, my God, I actually was thinking about shoes.

I'm sorry, there's a problem with your card. It's been declined.

Max, Darius told me what you did, and that was awful nice of you.

Now, here. I'm reimbursing you for all of the clothes and for that damn puppet.

Although, I swore I would never pay for beaver.

Do you think he'll ever make it, Earl?

Who's to say nowadays, Max?

America's Got Talent? Do they?

All I know is he's my kid and you went out of your way to try and help him.

Well, I just wanted you to be proud.

I am, Max. Very proud.

I just talked to Visa. I think they were disappointed they had pre-approved us.

Look. I killed it. I had to. It was telling me to buy a Harley.

Okay, open dialogue, I used the credit card for one more thing yesterday.

Open dialogue, so did I.

-It's the fanciest lipstick Payless had. -Aww...

And here.

Max, are there lizards in that bag?

I wish.

They're as good a new, and no bows!

Max, where'd you find a cobbler?

A cobbler? I took a time machine.

I was supposed to kill Hitler, but I thought your shoes were more important.

-Okay, let's cut up your card. -We should keep one for emergencies.

We have to put it someplace where we'll never be tempted to reach.

-Oleg, would you put this down your pants? -No problem.

English - US - SDH