Original subtitles

Everything seems to be locked up tight, Lieutenant.

Have you tried the back?

Yeah, yeah. No one seems to be answering,

but two cars are still in the garage.

This place looks like hell.

Nobody cut the trees. Grass growing all over the place.

Right this way, Lieutenant.

I'm telling you something happened to them.

It was that old woman.

Well, I'd take it easy if I were you.

Look,

why don't you see if your key

still fits the lock, eh?

I was with the Cliftons for 20 years.

Then she shows up, worms her way into the family,

and gets me fired.

Hello. Anybody home? Police officers here.

I knew it when she first came into the house.

She wasn't any kind of cook like she claimed.

There was something wicked about her.

How old would you say she is?

Could be 100, always smiling at you real sly.

Smoking like a fiend.

Take my advice and check with the bank, Lieutenant.

I already have. That's why I'm here.

All the accounts were cleaned out right after the first of the month.

Down to the last dollar.

Nothing down there. No fresh cement.

All right. I'm gonna get a court order to dig up the cellar

and all around the outside of the property.

I knew when they came in with all that lottery money

it was bad luck.

I wasn't good enough help for them anymore.

Poor Miss Kate.

Hmm, pretty kids. Cute family.

You've got to stop this woman, Lieutenant.

Or she'll do the same thing again to somebody else.

She probably already has.

Everything you've told us about her, Mandy,

matches the M.O. of a woman that's being hunted in five states.

From Massachusetts to Colorado.

And now here in L.A.

She's clever, she's ruthless, and she's

very professional.

I think you're lucky to be alive, Mandy.

Hmm! And don't I know it.

Come on, I'll have one of the officers take you home.

I hate to leave.

I keep thinking that maybe I was wrong.

Hmm.

Hey!What was that?

It sounds far away. Help!

What the hell was that?

Is there a radio on someplace? Here!

What in the heck could that be? You're getting warm.

We're in here! Down here!

Here we are!

Help! Let us out!

Ahh!Let us out!

Don't fall on us! She's gonna fall on us!

She missed us!Oh!

Help! Help!

Mister...Get us out!

She put us in here!

Do something. Do something. Help!

Oh, my God.

It was an old lady.

She put us in here!

Get us out!Just don't stare at us!

What... Shh. Just, just, just

calm down. It's all right.

It's gonna be all right.

Well, maybe not.

Okay, let's bring in the next batch, please.

All right, ladies. That's right, move along. Get across there.

That's right. Get in your positions, please.

That's fine.

All right, number one, state your name.

It's for me to know and you to find out, buster.

Number two. Face front.

What's the matter, sweetie? Don't you like my profile?

Maybe this'll make me look better.

Okay, Mom, put them back in.

Well,

do any of these look like her?

That's not her. She was smaller.

And older. Way older. And meaner.

Yeah. All right, get them out of here.

Okay, let's bring these ladies back to where they came from.

I've got no place to go.

Don't nobody want to adopt me?

Get your hands off of me, flatfoot.

I'm not going anyplace!

We got no place to sleep.

Can we eat now?

What do you have to do to get arrested in this town?

Tell somebody.

All right, ladies, come on now, let's go.

We're in a hurry here.You can sleep in my doorway.

We got 150 of you babes we got to see after lunch,

so let's just move it out, please.

Let's go, let's go.

Look out. Don't sit on us.

Oh, sorry, I didn't notice you folks. Really.

Why don't you look where you're going?

Will someone please bring these folks their shoebox, please.

Listen, there's a mob of reporters out there. What am I gonna say to them?

You don't say anything to them. I want a lid put on this case.

Excuse us, eh? Okay.

I mean, the last thing we need is for

someone to be screaming about voodoo and witchcraft.

Yeah, but when we find her, what do we charge her with?

Grand theft and shrinkage?

Gives me the chills just to think about it.

And she's out there right now doing it all over again.

Or maybe even something worse.

Thanks.

I got your shoebox. It's about time.

Be careful. Don't squash us.

Hmm.

Sorry.

Hey, watch it, buddy. Jesus, have a little consideration.

We could have taken a later flight and had the whole day on the beach.

I don't know. I'm worried about Dad.

It's the first time he's been left alone since Mom died.

Why can't your father stay at home and look after one little dog?

I didn't say he couldn't. I just have a bad feeling.

I'm just glad we're home.

You go on ahead. I'll get the luggage.

No, no, Steve, please, I want you to come with me.

You're really serious about this?Of course I am.

Boy, has she got a problem.

Hey, you stay out of it, all right?

Oh, my pineapple just fell. I've lost my pineapple.

Hey, don't bother to help carry anything, eh?

Don't drop anything, pal.

[DOG BARKING]That's for you.

Guess this is my tip.

Will you listen to Jerome? He's going crazy. Something is wrong.

Come on, he's just glad to see us.

Dad?

Dad?

He's getting a little hard of hearing.

Sam, we're home!

Oh.Oh.

Is it two weeks already?

We came home a day early. We missed you, Dad.

I met a lady.

A lady?

Well, that's nice.I fell in love.

With who?

I got married.

Oh, my God.

Do I smell something burning?

Well, here's my gal. Say hello to Miranda.

Call me Mom. Mom. Mom.

She's smoking.

In our house.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is

to be part of a family again.

She's flicking ashes.

Uh, perhaps Dad didn't mention it,

but we don't smoke in our house.

Good for you. It's a nasty habit.

Well... No, what I mean to say is

you are polluting our air.

Well, I'll try never to exhale.

Sam, my love,

aren't you going to introduce me properly

to your two kids?

This is Jenny and Steve.

My wife, Miranda. Isn't she great?

I guess that just about covers it.

Sam.

You're missing your game show.

My God. That's right. I am.

He never looked at game shows before.

He wouldn't miss one now.

I don't believe it. You never used to look at daytime TV.

Sam assured me I had nothing to worry about.

You were wonderful kids.

If you want to give us a wedding present,

how about some ashtrays?

How could this have happened?

How could he have gotten married without even telling us?

Oh, I begged him to wait.

But you know how impetuous he is.

He had to have his own way.

Aren't those my earrings?

Yes, I wore them on our wedding day.

You remember that old saying?

"Something old, something new, something borrowed,

"something blue."

You went through my things. She went through my room.

Well, that makes me feel so much better.

I didn't know if I was going to be accepted or not.

I don't know what to say.

What's this?

My herbs.

I was keeping myself busy

by putting everything in order.

But I had everything in order.

Well, I think you'll prefer my system.

I hope you're not angry.

Wait till you taste my dinner tonight.

I am not the kind of woman

that has to be waited on hand and foot.

JENNY: We never eat meat.

We've been vegetarians for years.

Maybe they had a sale.

Jenny, you two are such opposites.

I'm amazed you've been together all these years.

Now what is that supposed to mean?

We'll talk about this later.

Fine, I'll get the luggage.

Steve, please don't.

I so want to put my best foot forward with you.

Oh, I bet you do.

I realize how close you are with your father

since your mother died.

I assure you, I will never try to take her place.

Good.

I admit I was a lonely old woman

looking for companionship.

Your father and I hit it off

in every sort of way, if you get my meaning.

You mean sex?

Kids can never imagine their parents are having sex at their age.

Well, let me assure you...

Ours is a marriage in every sense of the word.

Please don't say that.

Jenny, would you come here, please?

What's the matter?

Just come here a minute. Please.

Don't rearrange anything else.

I promise I won't touch anything again

unless you ask me to.

Good.

A famous detective?

Uh, the murderer...

Things in a detective novel, things in a murder mystery?

What happened? She moved all Mike's stuff out.

The nerve! Who's in Mike's room?

I don't know.

Who put a lock on this door?I don't know.

That's a new lock.Well...

Dad!

Dad!

I meant to tell you.

Mike is down in the storage room off the kitchen.

That's my wife's room now.

You mean to say she won't even sleep in the same room with you?

And after she told me about the great sex life you have.

I'm sorry, Dad.That's all right.

It's true, though. We do have great sex.

That bitch!Now...

Now, your mother was no picnic, as I recall.

You couldn't get along with her either.

Are you comparing that creature to my mother?

You fought like cats and dogs.

You didn't speak to each other for a whole year.

I won't listen to this.

Look, I don't think we have much choice here.

Your father has married this woman and now we're stuck with her.

And that's all.But she's walking all over him.

Well, maybe that's the kind of woman he likes.

As I remember, your mother made all the decisions in the family.

But she smokes and eats meat.

Yes, most people do. And so did we once. Remember?

Then we saw the light.

Now, maybe in a couple of years we'll bring Miranda around.

Years?

You've accepted this? That Miranda is going to be around for years?

Well, why don't we poison her?I already thought of that.

[JENNY SIGHS]

Oh, Mom, if I only knew.

I would have been so much nicer to you when you were alive.

You were so good.

All right. Where will it stop?

Could you turn the volume down, Dad? It's awfully loud.

I won't be able to hear the questions.

...and find out what we have, thank you very much, Vanilla.

Okay, this is from fairy tales.

Could we talk?

About the boy's room again?No.

Look, Dad, I just don't understand it.

How could you have brought that woman into our house?

Don't you like her?Like her?

How did you get mixed up with her anyway?

I was taking the dog out for a walk near the shopping mall and ran into her.

A stranger?

I was married to your mother for 41 years

and she was still a stranger.

Anyway, we got the license, waited a week, and went to City Hall.

I was surprised that anybody would marry

a bald person like me.

What are you talking about? Most men your age have lost their hair.

Why? At age 60,

I still had a full head of hair

and was confident I would never be bald.

And then just two years later,

there was nothing on top. Really nothing.

But now, look.

I think my hair is growing back.

Well, you know, there is some fuzz.

It's starting in.

I actually can feel my hair growing.

It's a very enriching experience.

And I attribute it to Miranda.

What does she have to do with your hair growing?

She claims she's making me happy.

Maybe I wasn't happy before

and that's why I was getting so damn old.

Look at that reception.

Did we ever have such a clear picture before?

Miranda moved in and our picture improved

and so I'm happy.

Who was he, and what...MIRANDA: Sam?

I guess that means me.

You're not going to really to eat that, are you?

I don't know what it is about her cooking,

but I can't wait for the next meal.

Smells awfully good.

Well, if you want some, why don't you just go out there?

No, I don't eat anything with a face.

Besides, it's probably full of hormones.

I thought you always loved my broccoli souffle.

Well, you know how it is with outdoor cooking.

Everything always smells great.

You're going to want seconds.

It must be pretty tasty, huh?

Great.Yeah.

Oh, thank you, Sam darling. I love compliments.

I just wanted to say congratulations.

And to you, too, Miranda.

And I apologize for Jenny.

No need.

I realize I am an acquired taste.

May I have some seconds, please?

STEVE: Come on, Jerome.

Oh. Let Jerome stay.

For company.

All right. Stay, Jerome.

Jerome.

Jerome.

Are you a vegetarian, too?

I think you need some company yourself.

I have a surprise for you.

Ah, Pericles,

dear Pericles.

Jerome, may I introduce my Pericles.

Jenny's allergic to cats.

Well, let's not tell her about the cat.

What cat?

Good girl, Pericles.

Good girl.

[CAT YOWLS]

Oh, Pericles.

Naughty, naughty, naughty girl.

Aren't you jealous of Steven's lady associates?

Secretaries?

The women he works with?

You seem to have your work

cut out for you.Oh, Miranda, hi.

I didn't hear you come in.

Well, you obviously concentrate intensely.Yeah.

It must be a difficult case.

Well...

The government has changed all the tax codes and

now they're trying to throw the book at my client,

claiming fraud and everything else.

It could mean millions in additional taxes.

I wish you much luck.

Well, I need it.

May I come?

I would love to see you in action.

Well, there's not much action, it's mostly just paperwork.

Well, you never can tell.

If you win,

I'd be there to share it with you.

All right.

Here's the address.

It's the fourth floor of the Federal courthouse.

Can you get there on your own?

Of course I can.

When is your son coming home?

Uh, the day after tomorrow.

Oh, I so look forward to meeting him.

By the way, Miranda... Miranda?

I didn't hear you leave either.

Ooh.

It's going badly, isn't it?

We're going to lose, aren't we?

I'm going to be made bankrupt, aren't I?

And I shall probably be deported, won't I?

Let's hope not.

Just sit down, please.

The adjournment is over. Let's get back to business.

Yes, the Internal Revenue Service has been unfair to my client.

That will be all. We've heard enough from your side. Take your seat.

Your Honor, I believe the government's case will speak for itself.

Now is the government's documentation in order, Mr. Jessup?

Right here, Your Honor.

There is a mountainous supply of evidence,

enough to convict this felon

of 327 counts of federal tax evasion.

All right. I object this is an unfair characterization.

The government has asked you to find my client

guilty of fraud because he made a mistake.

He doesn't allow the possibility of an innocent...

Order in the court.

I want order in my courtroom.

Here's Page 6,

and here's Page 6.

And here's Page 6.

They're all Page 6.

Shit!

What was that?

Nothing, Your Honor.

Who printed this?

Our computers.

Get back upstairs, locate the originals. Hurry up.

If it please the court,

our documents seem to be somewhat fouled up.

Now, this is just another feeble excuse to delay this case.

Mr. Jessup. The government is not...

If the court will just bear with us for just a few moments.

But they're all Page 6.

Our computers went crazy. Erased our entire case.

It printed 25,000 copies of Page 6.

You want them?No, I don't want them.

Get out of here!

Our patience is nearly at an end.

I'd like to call for a postponement.

Denied.

Case dismissed.

Next case.

Congratulations are in order.

Boy, when you walked in the door

and Jessup's papers blew all over the place...

I hope I didn't do anything to disrupt the proceedings.

Not at all.

No, don't go.

I'd like to get to know you better.

Oh, to help you celebrate your victory?

It's always nice to share it with somebody.

Are you looking for someone?

I, I guess she just didn't show up.

She probably got lost.

Poor old thing.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I hope you aren't too disappointed.

Disappointed? Not at all.

You'll do just fine.

I'm sorry, but I really must be going now.No, wait a minute.

I feel as if I know you. Do I?

Oh, I'm sure you'd remember me.

Well aren't you gonna tell me your name?

I have to go away for a while.

Far away. But I'll be back. In time.

Well, how will I find you?

Well, you will.

Mike.

Aren't you going to give your new grandma a kiss?

No way.

Well, I had so hoped we'd be buddies.

You've got to be kidding.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Is that really her?

Yes, your grandfather married her.

Do I have to call her Grandma?

No, but you have to be respectful, all right?

Okay,

I won't call her any bad names. But I won't call her Grandma.

We'll see, young man.

Where's Mom?

She's upstairs. She hasn't been feeling well.

Hi, Mikey.Mom, what happened to you?

It's a head cold or an allergy again.

You look sort of puffy.

Severe psychological problems.

I am not imagining things.

I can hardly breathe.

Where's Grandpa?

Watching television.

He always hated television. Called it a waste of time.

Our reception got better.

Grandpa? It's me, Grandpa.

Oh, hello, Mikey. When did you get back?

Just now. Did you get my skateboard fixed?

I haven't had time.

Did you really marry that lady?

Why not?Mom hates her.

Be nice.

Grandpa, are you okay?

Never happier. I'm still on my honeymoon.

Hey, can I get in the game?

BOY 1: Get lost, you creep.

BOY 2: Hey, here it comes.

How did you do that? What are you on?

Get out of here, you freak. We don't play with you.

Play ball! Let's go

Mikey, come here.

Hey, how did you get over the net like that?

I don't know, it just happened.

That was incredible.

Who said you could talk to her, wimp?

Hey, guys, come on, leave him alone.

How about we stick his face in the sand?

Come on, guys. Knock it off.

Get out of here, kid. Creep.

Jerk.

Mikey, don't.

Mikey, Mikey...

Are you okay, Mikey?

I don't believe what I just did.

That was very good, Michael.

How come you know my name?

I'm a dear friend of your daddy's.

I never won a fight before.

Hmm.

Dad did a lot of boxing in college.

He did.He was a great athlete, before his back went out.

We'll see what we can do about his back.

Who are you? What's your name, anyhow?

Ask your daddy.

Oh, and Michael, one last thing.

Be nice to your new grandmother.

You know about her?I know all about her.

Okay.

I'll be nice but I won't call her Grandma.

That's fair enough.

Mikey, who was that?One of my dad's friends.

Boy, your dad sure knows how to pick them!

Hey...

Come with me, Mikey, and I'll show you something.

You should see a doctor.

I've seen two already.What did they tell you to do?

Buy sunglasses.

Look, I think if you have somebody staying in your house,

you have a right to know something about them.

Is it worth $50 a day, plus expenses?

Then you'll take the case?

Lady, I have never turned down a job.

What if a murderer approached you?

Lady, a murderer has never approached me.

I get lost dogs and who's throwing garbage on somebody's lawn.

Are you any good?

Good enough to find out who this woman is.

But I can't promise it'll be damaging.

Would it break your heart if it turns out

she spent her whole life working for the Red Cross?

Don't worry, it won't.You have a photograph of her?

I didn't think of that. There aren't any.

I'll have to hide in the bushes and take one.

That's $40 extra.

I could loan you my camera.Mmm-hmm.

Here's our short form contract and credit application.

Where do I sign?Everywhere.

Uh,

this is an optional insurance agreement

in the event there's a lawsuit for invasion of privacy

by the person we're investigating,

so that you're covered, because I'm not covered.

That's $9 a day extra.

This is running into money.

Excuse me, but I'd like that credit card back, please.

Oh!

Uh, I may have to show up in some sort of disguise.

As a salesman or a plumber.

I may call you sometime and say, "Clog up a toilet."

It's an excuse for me to enter your house.

Can you unclog the toilet, or will I have to call somebody else in afterwards?

Actually, I used to be a plumber, so don't worry. It's included.

I hope you're as good a detective as you were a plumber.

Actually, I got fired as a plumber.

Madame Curie.

Gilbert and Sullivan.

I got it.

Grandpa, wake up. The Hindenburg.

Who are you talking to?

Norman Vincent Peale.

No one's here.

The Whiskey Rebellion. Port Huron.

Come here, you.

Come here, come on.

You're not mad anymore?

Well...

Maybe you could do something

to get yourself back into my good graces, huh?

I wonder what?

Take aspirin.

There's a cat in here.

Look under the bed. You see, I don't see a cat.

Not in this room. In this house somewhere. I know there's a cat.

My upper lip always starts to itch.

And then I start to sneeze like mad.

Well, I'll call the exterminator in the morning

and I'll tell him we have cats.

Are you getting up?Yes.

Where are you going? I'm gonna find that cat.

Find the cat.

Good night.

A-ha!

A better look...

Oh!

Gotcha!

Oh, it's you. Anything broken?

No, now will you go away? Please!

Things are so bad you have to jump off the roof, and you expect me to go away?

I didn't jump off, I fell off.

Now, shut up!

Do you know she has a cat up there?

I could have told you that.

You didn't hire me to find out about a cat.

You knew?I'm a detective.

Well, maybe you know she lights cigarettes by sheer willpower.

Hit your head, huh?

Help me down. I'm in agonizing pain.

Ow!

I told you I was in agonizing pain!

Jeez!

Stop following me. Right.

Oh, God.

Great, now I've locked myself out of my own house.

Let me pick the lock for you.

It's the least I can do.

[GROANS] Oh, my back!

Hurry up.

Come on!

Voila!

At least you can do something right.

Thanks.

I saw it with my very own eyes. She's got a cat in there.

Okay!

No, no, I'm up. I'm up.

Come on. Miranda?

I'm sorry to disturb you. Miranda?

Oh!

Go on, go on in.

Miranda...

May we come in?

I'm terribly sorry but she's...Oh, don't apologize.

You didn't wake me up. I was reading a sexy novel.

Okay, Miranda, don't try any tricks.

You can't hide it now.

Inspection.

I saw it.

I saw it in here. You saw what?

I looked through the window. Got you there!

Jenny needs help.

Voyeurism is a terrible affliction.

There was a cat in here, I can tell it. My upper lip is still itching.

I know what you did with it.

You threw it out the window.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Here, kitty, kitty!

I'm going to search every inch of this room.

Who do you suppose that is?

Maybe we woke up one of the neighbors.

Priscilla.

Priscilla who? My daughter Priscilla.

She has come to visit.

No.

I wrote to her and asked her to come.

You are going to love her.

You?

You're Miranda's daughter?

I know this is an ungodly hour to show up,

but I just hate waiting around airports all night.

No, no. That's okay. Come on in.

Thank you.

The airline lost most of my luggage.Oh, dear. I'll get that.

I can only stay for a few weeks.

There goes the bedroom.

Sorry, but I have this allergy.

Oh, is that what it is?

Where's Mommy? Upstairs.

I wonder how she looks, it's been such a long time.

Please don't think of me as a guest.

I don't like being waited on.

Don't bother with my luggage this evening.

I'll take them up in the morning.

Good night.

Oh, Mommy.

Darling, you look wonderful.

Can you believe that? Isn't that sickening?

No, it just goes to show you that some mothers and daughters can get along.

Yeah. They're a perfectly matched pair.

You look wonderful.

My dear girl, Priscilla.

Dad, the hot water pipes are rattling like crazy, I don't know what it is.

Could you take a look, please?

Later. Wheel of Fortune is coming on.

And then I got my Jeopardy and then Hollywood Squares.

You used to be so handy.

Is it better parted on my left side or my right?

On this side it looks too much like Hitler.

Oh, no, not at all.

I don't think you could ever look like Hitler.

I should know.

Dad, don't worry about the hot water pipes.

Aren't you missing your TV game shows?

Oh, yes. See you later, darling.

Bye, Daddy. Your father is so adorable.

This room is off balance and it cries for wallpaper.

I could help you select the proper design.

I'm a decorator, you see.

[JENNY SNORTS]In fact...

I could fix up this place by the time Mommy got back.

I wasn't aware she went anywhere. I didn't hear her leave.

She didn't want you to make a fuss about her going.

You know, she doesn't like anyone to trouble themselves over her.

Anyhow, it's only to San Francisco for a week or so

on some money matters.

Oh, isn't that convenient?

You move in and she moves out. Some long reunion.

You know, we should start by refurnishing this awful room.

Ouch! Ah!

I don't think he's gonna go for it, Mac.

What? MacIntosh, get over here.

What is this? What is this requisition?

$750 to enroll in a famous witchcraft school?

Are you crazy?

Now, look, Captain, you want to catch this old woman, right?

Well, I'm telling you we're after a witch,

and you gotta fight fire with fire.

Look what she did to that poor family.

All right, that's it.

MacIntosh, you're on suspension right now.

Hand in your gun and badge.

Okay. Okay, maybe I am crazy.

But I'm gonna find that woman, and I'm gonna stop her, badge or no badge.

Is that so? Well, MacIntosh, you better be careful.

She's got more experience at being a witch than you.

She might turn you into a frog.

Or a cockroach.

Hell, I turned you into a civilian.

Captain, this isn't fair.

This man has been working 18 hours a day on this case.

Flynn, get out of here.

[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]

Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh, ahhh!

No, she doesn't take showers.

[SIGHS] A witch's work is never done.

Aw!

Beauty.

Oh, it's been such a long time.

Uh-uh.

No way. I'd break my neck.

Can I have my breakfast now?

Where's Nukomoto?

Nukomoto on vacation. I, Yamashiro.

Well, okay, Yamashiro, you do a good job now, huh?

Okey-dokey.

Street gangs... No, Hells Angels.

No, no. Terrorists.

What...

Oh, Steve, I'm sorry.What... What...

I'm sorry, the drains, they backed up.

And the stove caught on fire.The stove caught...

And the washing machine just blew up.

Blew up?Yeah.

I've never seen a kitchen like this.

You're gonna have to get new appliances.I've never...

Has Jenny seen this?

She thought it was only fair that I should pitch in and help, you know?

How could she walk out and leave you with this mess?

I'm sorry you came home to this mess, Steve. I really am sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a guest here. An unwelcome guest.

Now, damn it, you are not unwelcome.

Come on.

Well, you've become like a... Like a...

Um, a sister.

I don't want to be a problem for my big brother.

No, just stop the cleaning. Come on.

I want to leave everything just exactly the way it is.

Oh, Steven, I don't want to have another fight with Jenny.

You know, she drove Mommy away and now I suppose it's my turn.

Is that why Miranda hasn't come back?

Is that true? Tell me the truth.

Just exactly what did Jenny say to Miranda?

Don't defend her. She's out riding her bicycle

as if she doesn't have a care in the world.

I'm gonna find her and I'm gonna give her hell!

Not yet, Miranda.

I am having too much fun.

What?

My bushes!

What are you doing? Who did this?

You ruined my plants. Get away, Jerome!

What are you doing? Ahh!

You ripped my pants. My good suit.

You! What are you doing? You did it.

You stupid idiot!

Who trimmed my bushes?

Why?

Everything's under control. I'm on the job.

Don't attack my husband!

What did you do to my bushes?

Nukomoto, what are you doing?

What have you done to my house?

Goodness.

What happened to your trousers?

I hit the gardener. Then Jerome attacked me.

Look at this! Look at this! This is a $1,200 suit!

I'll mend it for you. I do splendid alterations.

Go ahead, take them off.

They're almost off already.

My bushes. Don't you dare hit me.

Jenny, she can't sew worth a damn.

Much less keep house, as you can see.

Well, listen. Don't be too hard on Jenny.

She thinks that she's not attractive to you anymore.

Well, if only that damn allergy would go away.

You have very beautiful legs for a man.

Steve?

Steve?

Honey, I hope that Nukomoto didn't...

Ahh!

Ah!

What's happened to my kitchen?

What has happened to my kitchen?

What do you mean, "What's happened to your kitchen?"

And where the hell are your pants?

Don't change the subject. Let's just concentrate on this mess.

I've been picking up after people all my life.

One gets used to it.

One gets used to being a maid.

A maid? She hasn't lifted a finger!

Well, you're a great one to criticize.

Is this what happens when I go to work every day?

What are you talking about?

The bedroom looks like a hurricane hit it!

It's all right. I'll do everything.

Because I don't want to be criticized

for the same thing that drove Mommy away.

You see, now, some people don't realize how sensitive you are.

Sensitive? What's wrong with you?

Can't you see this is an act? She did this.

Are you okay?JENNY: And put on your pants!

Are you all right?All right. I'm leaving.

I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

I promise you, this will never happen again.

SAM: Is my breakfast ready?

I don't think you'd find a clean plate to serve it on.

Oh, Sam, go and watch your favorite show, darling.

And I'll make you some brunch in a little while.

Warm up that beef from last night.

It's already body temperature.

Miranda's favorite.

Mr. Pringle, under the circumstances I'm going to have to fire you.

Just send me a bill.

You mean you're still willing to pay me

after what I did to your lawn?

Yes. I'm trying not to get mad at anybody.

I find when I get mad, things backfire.

You know, you're the nicest client I ever had. So forget the bill.

This one's on the house.

Please, you're fired.

Oh, you can't fire me. All of a sudden this is a matter of principle.

Ahh!

Leave me alone.

Hi, could you help me, I'm a homeless person.

I just spent the night in that phone booth.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you take me home,

give me a candlelight supper, huh?

I promise I'll sleep on the couch, right? Right?

Here's a dollar, okay?

Oh, save my life. You don't care!

Miranda! Miranda?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were somebody else.

I guess a lot of people look like Miranda.

A little bit, a little bit to the right.

Just a little. That's it.

Just decorating for the holidays.

You know all the answers, don't you?

Oh, Priscilla, for a minute I thought it was Miranda.

It is.Hello, Miranda.

Sam, you definitely should go on television.

Oh, sure.You could win millions.

So, how do I get on?

I'll go with you to the studio when they're selecting the contestants.

But don't say anything to the family.

It will be our little surprise.

Before, I never would have gone on TV.

But now, with all this great hair...

Oh!

I'm glad I married you. I got smarter and hairier.

Look at me, Sam.

Look at me closely.

Any question.

Any question at all.

You have the power to answer any question.

You bet I do.

Speak to me in Italian.I don't know any Italian.

Now you do.

Miranda!

Mia carissima, mia bellissima,

piu bella moglie del mondo. Ooh, amore mio!

Lo ti bacerei, anche.

Where the heck is he?

Ow!

Sorry I'm late. I got a jaywalking ticket.

Take care of that, will you? Expenses.

Where's the picture?

You told me you took a picture of Priscilla.

This is her mother.Is that so?

In that case, it's not such a bad picture.

Wait a minute.

You took a picture of Priscilla and it comes out like Miranda.

You know, I've never seen the two of them together.

I made a blow-up.

It's even worse.How could anything be worse than this?

Don't you know how to take a picture?

Uh, envelope included.

Thanks.

You're fired again.Fired again?

Gee, I feel like Billy Martin here.

May I recommend the Dead Oak Tea...

[COUGHS]...while you're browsing?

Oh, how about some chamomile or an herbal blend?

Dead Oak is the boiled remains of the rotted petrified hangman's tree.

Is there a demand for that?Certainly.

We have it flown in from the Scottish moors.

Um...

Could I possibly just purchase a cup of hot water?

I usually carry my own tea bags.

So many people do nowadays.

Excuse me, but, where is your section on witchcraft?

This whole shelf is subdivided

into witches, demons and warlocks.

Oh, no, I'm looking for your traditional wicked witch.

Well, then, they're down there.

You must know a lot about those things.

No one knows everything.

Hey!

I think I have a picture of a real witch. Do you want to see it?

It was supposed to be her daughter but it came out like Miranda.

You don't take very good pictures.

But I do have something I'd like to show you.

Can I help you?Of course you can.

This gentleman is going to be on your show today.

Oh, no, no. That can't be.

The contestants are in the studio already.

Hello, Information.

What office is Sy Goldberg in?

Room 334.

Take the elevator to the third floor,

corridor on the right, fourth door down.

334. How did you know that?

I can answer any question.

That's right. He can answer any question.

So you see, you were wrong.

Yes. I am wrong.

I've never been so wrong in my life.

Have I?No.

Please, come with me. I'll take you directly to the producer.

Thank you.

He should have my job.

IBC.

Cover your tea.

Who's Who in American Witchcraft.

Huh!

Huh. Never heard of any of them.

Well, witches don't achieve much notoriety.

Except when they're burned at the stake.

And they're usually innocent.

But the real witches never get caught. They live forever.

Oh, please don't say that.

Why can't you people be more on the ball around here?

I cannot produce a show under these conditions!

Where the hell's my hammer?

You left it in the grip truck.

What the hell were the ratings last night?

You had a 19 share, dropped to 14 over the last quarter.

You finished third in your time slot.

Can't you see that I... Whoa.

Hello.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, this is Sam Fisher. He'll be a contestant on your program today.

As you can see, he can answer any question.

Yes.

Dump young Morgenstern and replace him with this gentleman.

But sir, the policy is...

To hell with the policy, you idiot! Do it!

I apologize for this imbecile's behavior. Of course we'll use Sam.

Ah, thank you.

And I have a wonderful seat down front for you

where you'll be right on camera.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to be on camera.

The hot lights don't agree with me. But I'll watch it at home.

Sam, you must stay.

I'll do good.

You'll be wonderful.

You go home and watch the show with the children.

Oh, would you see to it that he's placed in a limousine after the show?

Anything you want.

Thank you so much.

Wow, Sam, who was she?

My wife, Miranda.

Young wife. You must be quite a man.

Don't ask me how old she is.

She'll never see 80 again.

Remarkably preserved.

We have great sex.

Where the hell's the goddamn make-up man again?

MAN: Where the hell's the goddamn make-up man?[SIGHS]

He's upstairs screwing the production assistant.

Let's get this man in makeup.

And hair.

Yes.

[CHUCKLES]She finds them.

She makes them rich. And then they die.

What does she want from us?

Well, legend has it she went bust

when the silver market collapsed in 1981 so...

So, somehow she's going to try to make us rich, and then...

When she does that, when you get rich,

would you come back and maybe buy something here?

I'm going to beat her somehow.

Thank you very much. Hi, everybody.

Welcome to the show.

You know, there are winners and there are losers.

And there are losers who become winners.

And winners who become losers.

We are here to determine which is which.

And the way we do that is by spinning our Wheel of Questions.

And the lady who does that is the very beautiful Vanilla!

All right, Vanilla. Let's meet our two players, shall we?

First off, our returning champion,

Miss Laura Sue Van Winkle of Ontario, Canada.

[CROWD CHEERING]Here she is.

Hi, Laura Sue. And here is your opponent today.

He is from Hancock Park, Los Angeles.

He's a retired carpenter

and his name is Sam Fisher.

Come on out, Sam!

[TRUMPET BLOWING]Hi, Miranda.

Let's spin that Wheel of Questions

to find out what our first category will be.

That's a mighty a good spin, Vanilla.

Mighty fine. And it stops on Category Number 4! Okay?

Go back there and find out what category that means.

Number 4 category is...[DRUM ROLL]

It's the category of the Arts!

That's our category, players. And here's your question.

Keep your hands out of the money, please, Vanilla.

[LAUGHS] Thanks very much.

This loser died in poverty...

I hate poverty.

...after having sold only one painting in his whole life,

while his fellow artist and roommate died in Tahiti

of an unmentionable social disease.

HOST: Name both these losers.

Van Gogh and Gaugin.

Is right! Wow! How about that?[CROWD CHEERING]

HOST: $25,000!

Give it a good, healthy spin.

[GRUNTS]

HOST: Whoa! A full foot spin.

STEVE: All right! Oh!

Let's find out what our next category's going to be, Vanilla.

How about you spin the Wheel of Questions and see what happens.

And it comes up...MIKE: Oh, yes.

Number 21.JENNY: Mikey, why aren't you at school?

Shh! Where's Dad?

Surprise!

Look at him!

Huh?

The question is from the category of American History.

Keep your hands off from the money, dear. Thank you very much.

This winner was a Civil War captain.

He was later elected to the

United States Congress.How did he get on?

It was Mommy's idea.

Who was this winner?

Do you know the answer? I don't want to be a hog.

Sam, do you know it?

Rutherford B. Hayes.

That's it, Rutherford B. Hayes!

Jen, honey, he's already won $50,000!

Now we can get the lawn reseeded.

That's not what's going to happen.

You don't seem very happy about it.

I'm scared!

Look, if he's on this show for a few couple of more weeks,

he can make, like, a couple of million dollars.

Three is the category. Let's find out what that is.

HOST: And that category is...

British Royalty.

Yeah, that's right. How did you...

Okay, well, let's read the question. Here it is.

This winner is Queen Elizabeth of England.

But what is her last name?

Taylor?Not Taylor. Not Taylor.

Of England, Queen of England.[MOUTHING] Windsor.

I don't know what it is.[MOUTHING] Windsor.

[WHISPERING] Windsor.

You haven't won anything. I'll give you a hint. Wi... Wi...

Sam, I need an answer.

For $150,000, what is it, Sam?

Windsor.HOST: Windsor is right!

Whoo!

[CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]For $150,000!

HOST: Congratulations to you. Vanilla, come on.

Sam, you can come back next time,

face another contestant

and try for a chance at our $2 million jackpot.

What are you gonna do, Sam? Are you a winner or a loser?

I'm a winner. And you bet I'll be back.

And don't give any of that money away to anybody, because I want it all.

Wow! He is a winner! Congratulations, Sam.

We gotta say so long to you, Laura Sue.

Thanks for being here.

We have some lovely parting gifts for you backstage.

Thank you, Laura Sue. Thank you for joining us.

Okay, come on. Take it easy now. Take it easy. Come on.

Take it easy. Just one second. Okay!

We'll go throw a bucket of cold water on Vanilla. We'll see you next time.

Come on. Whoa-ho-ho!

Priscilla, come quick!

Hey!

I'm melting! I'm melting!

Help me!

It didn't work, did it, Dorothy?

This is reality, not MGM.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

I... I wish my wife wore clothes like that.

There you go again. Always thinking about Jenny.

You do so much for your family.

It's time you did something for yourself.

What do you mean?

What time does Jenny get back from her therapy session?

Well, she should be back anytime now.

Ah.Uh, I think that... That the...

Although she might get held up.

I mean, not robbed, but only just, detained...

Not by the police, I mean just... [BREATHING FAST]

Unavoidable. Yeah.

I think it'll be two hours at least.

At least.

I'm pretty sure, two hours.

Oh.

I think my computer's going down.Is it?

That's my summation to the jury. It's being erased.

Really?Yes.

That's a whole week's work.

But I really don't care. I really...

I'm glad.

Oh, oh. [MOANS]

[CHANTING]

Keep on murmuring your personal incantations.

I said "murmur," not "mumble."

[SIGHS]Excuse me, again.

More questions? Oh.

Can't you just follow the curriculum and keep murmuring?

But you never answered my first question.[SIGHS]

Priscilla and this old lady, Miranda, could be the same person, right?

Wrong, as usual.

Why am I always wrong?

TEACHER: Not the same person.

They simply share a metabolic space,[LIQUID BUBBLING]

because one of them does not have a body of her own.

Uh, probably burned at the stake or some such mishap,

so that they have to take turns. Trade off.

Oh, you mean like timesharing a condo in Hawaii?

I often thought of investing in one of those. Did it work out?

No, the other people always wanted to be in the condo the same time as us.

It was a constant hassle.

Well, imagine sharing a body then.

So what does Pericles, the cat, have to do with this?

The cat is a vessel.

Whoever is not using the human form has to have someplace to hang out.

Inside a cat?

Miranda is now inside that cat?

Oh!

Why are you taking notes?

Why aren't you mixing your brew?

Why inside a cat, huh? Come on, why?

Can you think of a better place?

I love your skin.

Well, help yourself. I'm covered with it.

Not for long, you're not.

Don't make marks, please. Don't make marks.

Correction. Make marks.

What's wrong?Um...

Oh, you're not feeling guilty, are you?

Yes, yes, I think that's it.

I... I'm feeling so guilty that my mind is playing tricks on me.

Um, uh...

Did you, um...

Was there like a... [STAMMERING]

Or somebody else is playing tricks.

I got a composite here. Does that look like her?[LIQUID BUBBLING]

That's Miranda.

Oh, I can't tell you what a relief it is to know that I'm not crazy after all!

So that's the reason you enrolled? [GASPS]

Look. I am Lieutenant MacIntosh of the LAPD.

Now, I was working on a case and I got suspended

because my chief thought I was crazy

when I said we were dealing with a witch.

You're nothing but a cheap spy.

$750 tuition out of my own pocket is hardly cheap.

But it's worth every penny of it if I can nail this Miranda woman.

Only thing is... How do I get her out of this cat?

Oh, I beg your pardon, but you can't let Miranda out.

I want them both in!

But there's no room. Only one person to a cat! Anybody knows that.

But suppose Miranda wants out and Priscilla won't leave her body?

Roommate trouble?

Now you're talking.

Just tell me some spells I can use against them.

Don't rush things.

This usually takes years. And plenty of tuition.

We haven't got years!

Look, my whole family is at stake here. I'm gonna lose everything.

You've gotta teach me some rituals or incantations.

Sorry.

Listen, sister.

Do you have a license to run this school?

Okay.

Okay.

But remember, you're fooling around with this at your own risk.

[EXHALES]

Listen, I think this stepmother of yours

is the same person who's done away with at least a half a dozen people.

And shrunk a few more.

Oh, my God!

Now, you go home and act as if nothing happened.

Keep cool and prepare. And when we're ready, we'll take action together.

Together? Oh, I'm so happy that I'm not in this by myself.

Thank you, Lieutenant.Yeah.

Oh, and one last thing.

If she tries to put you in a shoebox, run like hell.

JENNY: I just wish my cab would come.

To tell you the truth, I have always wanted

to get out from under this family.

I suppose you're going to hire a lawyer and sue poor Steve.

I feel sorry for Steve.

Don't feel sorry for him. He's going to be very rich soon.

In fact, he'll have more than enough to give you a generous settlement.

So you see, in the end it will all work out for the best.

You don't have to convince me.

I'm not the one that's jealous anymore.

It's Miranda.

I don't think Miranda will be coming back.

Miranda, you are beautiful.

I know.

I'm so glad I married you.

I'll be right up, Sam.

He's so cute.

I don't think I'll turn him into an insect for at least six months.

You bit Steve. You bit the gardener. Why don't you bite Priscilla?

Yes.

This is Dr. Simpson of the Willow Springs

Veterinary Hospital.

Uh, who did you say this was?

The vet with a heart.

We were wondering if it would be all right for us

to come over and pick up your cat now?

My cat?

What do you mean?

Pericles, the old cat in question, I believe?

Who did you say made arrangements for this?

PRINGLE: Uh, this is Mrs. Miranda Pierpoint?

You sure sound good on the phone for a woman your age.

And what was it I wanted done with Pericles?

Uh, you wanted to have her...fixed.

Fixed! Me, fixed? I mean, Pericles fixed?

Okay, I've got the address. We'll be right over and pick her up and

don't worry. We'll be gentle.

Don't you dare come over here! I've changed my mind!

Well, I did that right.

So, Miranda, I let you out for one evening

and you make arrangements to have me fixed?

We'll see who gets "fixed."

The old biddy. Where are you?

Why would Steve want you when he can have me?

[WOOD CREAKING]

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody call for a cab?

Don't do that.

Oh, I'm glad you're here, Lieutenant. I think it's working.

But we're going to need a plasterer afterwards.

You're also gonna need a gardener and a tree surgeon.

Come here.

You got your cauldron boiling

and all of your incense and your away powder?

Yeah, I just hope this spell is strong enough.

Yeah, well. I got my partner to pick up a warrant

for the arrest of Miranda Pierpoint.

Now all you have to do is put her where I can get my hands on her.

I was right.Hmm?

She's in the cat.

I told you, I can't arrest a cat.

Well, can't you get a warrant to search the cat?

You've got to be kidding. Now come on, get in there and do your thing, huh?

Oh, I hope I just remember what is, uh...

Oh, wait a minute. Is this it?

[CHANTING] Spell of spells.You got it.

You got it. That's it.

Do your stuff.Not the right key but you got it.

Oh.

My cab's here.

Goodbye, Priscilla.

I just wanted to say so long!

Wait.

It's a going away present.

No, I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

Jenny, you're no longer allergic. I have cured you, you see?

Look, touch her, touch her.

Take Pericles. Come on, yes.

She's all yours.

Now get her out of here. Come on. What are you waiting for?

Come on, take her with you.

You mean, she's mine now? To do with as I like?

All right, Miranda.

I'll deal with you later.

Showdown.

[YOWLING]

Shit. This is a major lawsuit.

What are you doing here?

Waiting for a lady or two. Maybe even a cat. What's it your business?

I live here!

Away!

Away!

Well, a spell.

Free this house of evil spirits.

Purify this dwelling.

JENNY: Can I do that over again, please?

Oh, no! I want my piano back.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Maybe it was the wrong tune.

No, you got it right. You got it right.

You're an amateur!

Why do these spells only work on furniture?

You wanted your piano back? You got it.

I suppose Steve and I are going to have to rebuild everything from scratch!

Won't we, darling?

Whoa! What?

Don't worry, I can handle it! I've got everything under control.

This is war!

That's right.

Fight me...

...with everything you've got!

Stay out of this, Miranda!

Ahhh!

I love a good scrap.

Especially...

WITH OWN VOICE: ...when it's with somebody I like, like you.

You don't like her at all. Shut up!

Ahh! Ahh!

My house!

What's that thing doing in my house?

Oh!

If you do that again, I'll turn you into a shrimp!

Oh!

Jenny!

Jenny, where are you? I'm here!

Pericles, come!

We have gotta get out of this house!

Whoa!

Come on.I think that thing cured my whiplash.

My house!

What's all this big racket all about?

Did you remember to take out earthquake insurance?

Oh, Daddy, Daddy, I don't know what to do!

I'm a second-rate sorceress!

Well, stop trying!

JENNY: What do you really do to defeat a witch?

I can answer that.

No, you can't!

I can answer any question. Remember, Priscilla? You fixed it that way.

If you tell her, you won't be able to win any more of your TV prize money!

I won enough. I'm not going back.

And you'll lose all your hair!

I can afford a nice toupee but...

[SIZZLING]Ow! Ow!

Miranda, Miranda, it's all your fault.

Listen to your daddy.

All you have to do is repeat after me. It's in Babylonian.

[SAM SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

It was your idea to come here and have them do all of this.

I wanted to go to Palm Springs!

Good!

Oh, move over, Miranda! I'm coming in!

What does it mean?

Roughly, sticks and stones will break my bones. The rest is dirty.

JENNY: I never talked dirty in Babylonian before.[YOWLING]

Stay!

Take them away. They're all yours.Oh!

Excuse me, ladies. She's heavy for a cat.[CAT MEOWS]

You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent or...

Oh, the hell with it. Sue me.

Goodbye, Grandma.

I better find my tool kit and begin to fix the place up.

Good thing I'm handy again.

See, it works.JENNY: Ah!

Oh, Daddy.

JENNY: Bye bye, girls!

[PERICLES YOWLING]

MACINTOSH: Oh, my God, what's happening?

Oh, oh!

Ladies, this is not gonna do you any good!

You're resisting arrest. You know that, don't you?

I mean, you just don't go around

shrinking police officers in this town.

Look. Can't we discuss this? Can't we plea bargain, huh?

What's the matter, you never saw a compact before?

Uh, miss!

Hey, lady!

Oh, this is a dream. It's gotta be a dream.

Does this mean there's gonna be a sequel?

Oh, my God!

NARRATOR: May we introduce our cast of players.

Evelyn Keyes.

Seymour Cassel.

Laurene Landon.

Richard Moll.

Tom Bosley.

Shawn Donahue.

David Rasche.

Lionel Stander.

Colleen Camp.

Barbara Carrera.

Bette Davis.

Call me, "Mom."