All language subtitles for mary_tyler_moore_s07e02_mary_the_writer

Who can turn the world on with her fly?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly
make it all

seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should
know it.

With each glance and every little
movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can have the town,
why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Mine might bring in the baby.

Mine? I should say not.

I hope

it

wasn't something I said.

Don't take it personally, Mary.

No, no, I wouldn't do that.

Ted takes it personally.

He thinks I'll make him teed off with
him.

Oh, Georgette, she's beautiful. You must
be so proud.

Oh, thank you, Mary.

But let's face it, babies are all alike.

Every mother carries on as though her
baby is the most beautiful and the

smartest and the sweetest.

I'm determined not to be one of those
mothers who goes around babbling about

cute and adorable her baby is, even
though my baby is unbelievably cute and

adorable.

Especially this morning. She blew this
beautiful little bubble through her

and it must have stayed there for about
30 seconds. And as soon as the bubble

burst, she made the funniest little
noise like this.

Oh.

But you don't see me talking about it.
No, that's right, I don't.

how wonderful it is, but I feel really
good about it. You know, it's something

I've been wanting to do.

Oh, gee, I think that's terrific, Mary.

Except that writing is so difficult.

I mean, you have to think of something
to write that's never been written

before.

That's right.

I'm not writing a novel, though. I'm
just writing an article about my

grandfather and what a marvelous old
character he was.

Have you ever written before, Mary?

I took a creative writing course in
college. The professor seemed to think I

some flair.

Anyway, it's one of those things I just
wanted to try but never got around to.

Oh, gee.

Just thinking, maybe someday you'll be a
famous author.

Well, no, I wouldn't count on it,
Georgette. It's a little late for that.

Mary, don't sell yourself short.

Just because you're not a kid anymore
doesn't mean you can't wind up being one

of the great ones.

32 isn't so darn old, you know.

Well, I'm 37, Georgette.

Well, in that case, you better get the
lead out.

Hi, honey, you live around here?

Hey, Ted, look, do me a favor, will you?

Watch the door and let me know if you
see Mary.

She wrote something here. I want to
finish reading before she gets back.

very good. Oh, sure.

She's at Mayday, Mayday.

Hi,

hi, Mary.

Oh, Murray, I can't believe you'd go
sneaking into my drawer and invade my

privacy like that.

Well, what can I say, Mary?

Look, I've seen you writing something
and then hiding it in that drawer all

week, and my curiosity just got the best
of me. Oh, I see. I leave an article in

my drawer, and that somehow makes your
lack of character my fault? Is that it,

Murray?

What is it, Murray?

Little bugger was messing with your
purse, too, Mary. You better count your

money.

I'm guilty, Mary. Guilty as charged.

That's really a terrific article,
though. It's very good. Murray, whether

good, bad, or indifferent in no way
affects what you've done. You've

the trust.

Terrific, Murray, or just very good?

Really terrific.

I couldn't believe you had this kind of
talent. You really liked it? I loved it.

Especially that part when your
grandfather went walking on the roof so

kids would think he was Santa Claus.

Mary, I can't tell you what it means to
me to get the opinion of someone whose

judgment I respect.

As long as you can stop hinting, Mary,
I'll read it.

Oh, hey, Lou, Mary's written a terrific
article.

Oh, that's nice.

Would you like to read it, Mr. Grant?

No. Well, Mr. Grant, I realize that
you're very busy, but it's only five

It won't take up much of your time. It
already has, Mary.

That's not the reason I don't want to
read it. I don't want to read it.

Because if I tell you I don't like it,
your feelings will be hurt. You'll wind

up hating me. Mary, Mary.

Writers feel about their work the way
mothers feel about their babies.

Which reminds me. I still haven't bought
a baby gift for Ted and Georgette. I

don't know what to get. It's driving me
nuts.

I don't suppose you'd care to go
shopping for me? I'm sure we could work

something out, Mr. Grant.

What does that mean?

If I read it, you'll do my shopping?

Oh, Mary, that's not fair.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant. You're
overlooking the very distinct

she just might like my story. And
besides, I can certainly take

criticism from a good friend.

I mean, far from hating you, I would
love you all the more for it. Oh, Mary.

Grant, I think you'll like it. Oh, Mary,
no. Would you just trust me?

Oh, no. Okay, all right.

Ted, can I have your article, please?
Oh, sure.

Mary, I loved it. If the rest of it's as
good as that first paragraph, you've

got to win.

Thank you.

It's not perfect.

That's right, Mary.

It isn't perfect.

That's the whole critique?

Mr. Grant, I don't feel that not perfect
really tells me very much.

You're right, Mary.

It's bad.

Well,

bad is one of those words that could
mean...

Interesting, but flawed.

Well -paced, but erratically structured.

It stinks, Mary.

It stinks. It's not quite as ambiguous
as that.

You wanted my honest opinion.

Mr. Grant, could you be a little more
specific?

What about it isn't first -rate?

Uh, the, um, the, uh... The

first paragraph... The first paragraph,
okay, I had the feeling when I was

writing it. The second paragraph, uh,
the second paragraph isn't first rate.

The third paragraph isn't first rate.

You're really having a good time, aren't
you, Mr. Grant?

Believe me, Mary.

I wish I had liked your article. I
really do.

Oh, sure.

But you kept insisting that I tell you
exactly how I felt, and that's exactly

what I did.

By saying it stinks. Well, it does. What
do you want me to say?

Well, I don't know, Mr. Penn. You could
have said it isn't your cup of tea, it

didn't strike your fancy, it wasn't
quite up to snuff.

No, I couldn't.

Let me tell you something, Mary.

Besides 12 -year -old scotch and playing
high -stakes poker with really dumb

guys, there aren't a lot of things that
I love.

Good writing is wonderful.

Do you know what really good writing is?

I thought I did. Apparently I was
mistaken.

There was a desert wind blowing that
night.

It was one of those hot, dry Santa Anas
that come down through the mountain

passes and curl your hair and make your
nerves jump and your skin itch.

On nights like that, every booze party
ends in a fight.

Meek little wives feel the edge of the
carving knife and study their husbands'

necks.

Anything can happen.

Raymond Chandler.

Makes you want to read on, doesn't he?

He writes well about the weather.

Mr. Grant, that's a piece of fiction.
It's not fair to compare fiction to non

-fiction.

You're telling me that sap in your story
is a real person?

Josiah Wallace was my grandfather.

What? He really sang Christmas carols
all year round? Yes.

And carved leprechauns out of apples?
Yes.

And sent cards to all the presidents on
their birthdays?

All true.

It's all boring.

liked it very much, and Murray is a
professional writer.

Oh, Mary, Murray likes you so much. He
likes everything you do.

Well, maybe, Mr. Grant, just maybe
that's what real friendship is all

I'm sorry, Mary. I wish I had liked it.

I suppose you had your heart set on
sending it to a magazine, didn't you?

I did, and I still do. Read a digest, as
a matter of fact.

Just because you don't like it, Mr.
Grant, doesn't mean it stinks.

You're not like most people, Mr. Grant.

Most people love reading about
delightful, warm -hearted old men.

You don't happen to. All right, that's
your privilege. It doesn't mean that

you're right. It doesn't mean that I'm
right.

It does mean, however, that you can do
your own damn baby shopping.

Hey, did you happen to watch Sammy and
Company on TV last night?

Uh, no, Ted. Somehow I missed it. Ah,
that's too bad.

You know, Sammy Davis is kind of a
profound guy once you get past the tap

dancing.

He and some famous writers were plugging
their books, so I thought maybe you

tuned in to watch. Sammy Davis had
writers on his show? Sure. Who?

Oh, Doris Day, Lawrence Welk, Diddy
Ernest, Cab Calloway.

Sort of got me to thinking maybe I ought
to write my memoirs.

I mean, after all, I'm good -looking,
virile, well -turned -out, money to

And I'm not into booze or drugs or any
of that weird hanky -panky with men,

women, or farm animals.

Hey, Ted, maybe it would be a good idea.

You would be the first person who ever
wrote a book without ever having read

one.

I've read lots of books, Murray. Name
one.

Black Beauty.

How could I have doubted you, my dear?

Oh, Murray.

A letter from Rita's Digest.

I'm too nervous, you read it.

Well, I'm too nervous. Here, you read
it.

Will you come

on? All right, all right.

The answer is...

Dear Miss Richards, thank you very much
for submitting your article to us.

We regret that we are unable to publish
it in our magazine at this time.

That's really lousy. Yeah, you're right.
Let me try it again. Dear Miss

Richards.

George, the dinner was delicious.

Oh, thank you, Mary. Why don't you go
sit in the living room and I'll bring

coffee.

Toothpick, Mary?

We got plenty.

Thank you.

Feeling better, Mary?

Oh, yeah. Much better. That's good. You
shouldn't be depressed about that

Reader's Digest thing. It's the way life
is.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

Sometimes you're sitting on top of the
world.

Sometimes you're down at dumps.

Sometimes your life is a symphony.

Sometimes life is a...

Disgusting noise.

Exactly.

Here we are.

I baked these macaroons myself.

Oh!

Macaroons? Why don't you tell me,
Georgette? I just finished picking my

didn't I, Mary?

I really didn't notice, Tanner.

I'm just telling Mary she shouldn't let
what happened get her down.

No, I'm not going to. I'm going to send
that article off to every magazine I can

think of.

That's great, Mary. You could send it to
the New Yorker, Cosmopolitan, Good

Housekeeping, Collier's.

Well, Ted, Collier's has been out of
business for years.

With all due respect, Mary, so has your
grandfather.

Excuse me.

I just bought the baby a little gift. I
want to bring it right over.

Hi, Ted.

Hi, Lou.

Hi, Mary.

Hello, Mr. Grant.

Yeah, I sure hope she likes this. I
didn't know what to get, and nobody

help me.

I went to about ten different stores.

I hope she doesn't already have one.

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, thank you, Lou.

It's really...

Beautiful, Lou. It's something she's
always wanted.

It's a good thing you didn't wake up the
kid to see this.

Listen, Lou, sit down, have your coffee,
enjoy yourselves. I've got work to do.

I'm busy writing the story of my life.

Story of your life?

What are you up to? The part where you
came in with the blue walrus.

I think I'll put this in the baby's
room. When she wakes up, I'll tell her

from you, Lou.

Georgette, he won't have to. It looks
just like him.

Hey, Mary, come on. Let's be friends
again.

I don't know what you mean, Mr. Grant.
Aren't we friends?

Oh, come on, Mary.

You haven't smiled once at me in nearly
two weeks.

It's because you haven't done anything
worth smiling at in two weeks.

I'm going to get a smile out of you.

Oh, do you have a plan? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to tickle you. That's my
plan.

I'm not ticklish, Mr. Grant.

Everybody is ticklish.

My, are there no...

to the areas of your expertise.

You ready, Mary?

Huh?

Then here goes.

Stay mad.

But you know why you're mad at me?

Because you know I'm right about that
article.

I know no such thing. Well, when you
hear from Reader's Digest, then you

Well, it just so happens, Mr. Grant, I
already heard from Reader's Digest.

Turned you down, didn't he?

Oh, boy, you are so sure of yourself.

Well, Mr. Grant, I've got news for you.
They bought it.

What do you think of that?

They bought it.

They bought it.

They bought it. Check's on its way.

They bought it.

That thing about the old coot who carved
stuff out of marshmallows?

Apples, Mr. Grant, and the old coot was
my grandfather.

Well, if they bought it... They bought
it.

They bought it?

They bought it.

Well, what can I say except
congratulations, Mary?

I was never so happy to be proved wrong
in my life.

That's really something.

Getting the first story you ever wrote
published in Reader's Digest?

I gotta be

going.

It's nice seeing you, Georgette. I hope
the baby likes her gift.

Tell Ted I said goodnight.

Oh, say goodnight, Lou.

Yeah.

Mary, you lied.

I know I lied.

I never heard you lie before. Well, I
was just so angry with him.

But you lied.

I never believed you could do such a
thing.

Were you lying when you said you thought
my baby was the cutest thing you ever

saw?

Did you lie when you said you liked that
new blue dress I bought? No, Georgette,

of course not.

How about when you said you were 37?

Any

luck?

Three rejections.

Oh, all right, Mary. I mean, so you...

Couldn't sell an article. It's not the
end of the world.

Oh, Murr, it's not the rejections that
bother me.

It's the fact that I lied to Mr. Grant.
I never did that.

It really makes me feel rotten. I mean,
how could I just have lied like that?

How's Republican Magazine? What's that?

Well, they wanted to buy my article,
too.

But I had to tell them that Reader's
Digest already bought it.

Again, Murray, it's habit -forming.

One lie leads to another.

I'm going to put a stop to it right now.

Yeah?

Mr. Grant.

So, what's happening to that article of
yours? When has Reader's Digest printed

it?

December.

Or June. They haven't decided yet.

What are they paying for an article
these days?

Oh, about the same as always.

You know, we haven't really decided on a
price yet. You know, they made an

offer, and, you know, I'm holding out
for a little more money.

Smart move.

Yeah. They ask you to write any more?

kicking around with one of the associate
editors, and he... He, uh...

I'm lying, Mr. Grant.

I knew that.

How did you know? Your face turned beet
red.

You stammered. Your entire body began to
quiver.

Now, you were either lying or I'm a hell
of a lot sexier than I thought.

I just want you to know that the reason
I lie... Because you hurt me. Oh, I

didn't hurt you. Yes, you did. You hurt
me.

Mary, I don't know how you want to be
treated.

How do you want me to act?

Huh?

Like this?

Ted, get in here.

Ted also gave me something to read.

What is it, Lou?

You found out we took back the walrus.

I didn't want to do it. It was
Georgette. She insisted I exchange it

sports shirt.

Ted, it's not that.

I've just been reading your book.

It's brilliant. I was a little worried
about chapter three.

Marvelous chapter.

What was your favorite sentence?

Well, it's really hard to say. They were
both very good.

Thank you.

of its type I've ever read.

I didn't think you had it in you, you
old wordsmith.

Say what you will about the big fella.

You can always trust him to level with
you.

You see, Mary, Ted's writing is lousy,
even worse than yours.

But when you brought yours to me, I
respected you enough to tell you the

Would you rather I had treated you like
I treated Ted?

Huh? Would you prefer that I patronize
you like some idiot?

Shower you with empty compliments?

Huh? Pump up your ego like you were some
empty -headed, bumbling, brainless

boob? Is that what you want?

God, yes.

Okay.

Mary, I love your story.

Why, thank you, Mr. Crow.

Neutral.

See you tomorrow, Ted.

My executive producer said, see you
tomorrow.

Ted?

Gee, Ted, it's 8 .30. Are you still
working on your book?

My producer came in and asked, gee, Ted,
it's 8 .30. Are

you still working?

Look.

Ted, why don't you knock it off? Ted,
why don't you knock it off?

The three of them walk.

The greatest autobiography the world
will ever read.