All language subtitles for mary_tyler_moore_s06e16_not_with_my_wife_i_dont

Who can turn the world on with her
smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly
make it all

seem worthwhile? Well, it's you, girl,
and you should know it.

With each glance and every little
movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell,
why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after

How's this for a feature story, Mayor?
We do a segment exposing the shameful

lack of originality on television today.

Well, they did that last week on Channel
6.

So what?

Hello, muckrakers.

Mary, I just dropped by, dear, to tell
you to be sure to stop in my studio this

week. I'm devoting all my shows to you
poor, unfortunate single girls.

I'm ready.

I'm going to be telling them how to cook
for the potential mate, how to dress

for the potential mate. Sue Ann, in case
you've forgotten, you are single also.

Oh, yes, but that's only because I don't
happen to place my love life above my

profession.

I thought that was your profession.

Oh, Murray, wedding Murray.

Jokes fall from your lips. Almost as
fast as hair falls from your lips.

No, you should stop lying, Harry.

Today's show is called Why Date a Dud
When You Could Grab a Stud.

Okay, I've got it. I know, and I want
it.

I've got the subject for a feature
story.

Oh, what is it, Lou?

Guns. We're going to show everybody that
it's much too easy to buy a gun in this

town. Murray, you're going out on the
streets with a hidden camera crew.

And you're going to buy every kind of
gun or rifle that you can get your hands

on, legally or illegally.

Oh, Mr. Grant, that's a great idea.

But listen, I've got one question. What?
Wouldn't it be better as a first -hand

report? Shouldn't we send Ted out for
this story?

No, we can't. Why not?

I don't think we should risk having
people with guns near Ted.

In that case, I've got a question. What?

Don't you think we should send Ted out
for this story?

If you have any problems, let me know.

Hi, guys.

Hiya, Ted.

Hi.

Beautiful day, isn't it? Makes you
really feel great to be alive.

Ted, is something wrong?

No, I'm fine. Why?

Well, I don't know. You seem kind of
down.

Oh, don't be silly. I never felt better.

Are you sure, Ted?

I haven't seen you this depressed since
your barber stopped giving balloons.

That's funny, Mary. That's really funny.
I love it.

Good joke.

Hey, Ted, guess what?

Mr. Grant came up with a great idea for
our news feature. We're going to do an

expose on gun sales. Oh, that's great,
Mary. That's really great. I love a good

news feature.

Ted, what's wrong?

Please, Mary, stop asking what's wrong.
Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. Absolutely

fine. I just want to be alone. I want my
privacy. I want people to mind their

own business. And most of all, I want my
mommy.

Mary, I'm thinking of leaving him.

Georgette, you don't mean that.

Yes, I do. I even told him so this
morning.

Oh, well, no wonder he was so upset
today.

Georgette, why?

Because I don't think he loves me.

Oh, well, that's just silly.

What made you think that?

I wish I could tell you, Mary, but it's
just not the kind of thing you can

discuss.

Well, Georgette, I want to help you. I
really do.

But how can I help you if I don't know
what it is? I mean, you're going to have

to be open.

I can't.

Well, Georgette, look, you obviously do
want to discuss this. Otherwise, you

wouldn't have waited outside my door for
me to come home. Now, come on, what is

it?

It's our sex life.

Maybe you're right.

Everything was fine until we got
married.

I mean, after all, I mean, some things
you can discuss and some things you

can't, right?

Then all of a sudden, he became very
cool.

There are just some things that are
better left unsaid.

Lately, he's been sleeping out on the
couch every night.

The only time he comes to bed now is
when he has a headache.

Really, I've tried everything.

Exotic perfumes, romantic music.

I even bought a see -through robe to
wear over my pajamas.

Georgette, I really think the person you
should be talking to about this is Ted.

I tried, Mary.

He swears he still loves me.

Says that it's just a stage he's going
through.

Well, there you are.

Mary, that was three months ago, and
it's only getting worse.

I don't know what to do.

Georgette, I don't...

have much experience with this kind of
thing. I mean, I wish I could advise

but I think you should talk to someone
who knows more about these matters.

Maybe Ted needs help.

What kind of help?

Professional help.

Maybe he should see a psychiatrist.

I have a friend who's supposed to be
just terrific. I mean, you could tell

that I told you to call.

What do you think?

Well, it makes more sense than what I
had in mind.

What was that?

Black satin sheets.

Hey, Georgette.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Did you have dinner?

Well, I ate at my mother's.

Did you have a nice time?

Well, yeah, usual. We had dinner and we
watched television, then I helped her

blue her hair.

Did you tell her about us?

No. I was afraid I might break the poor
woman's heart.

You didn't mention anything?

Well, I started to, but I couldn't
finish. She wanted to watch the hockey

Dad, what's happening to us? Nothing's
happening to us. Try to understand,

Georgette.

Just because I prefer to sleep on the
couch at night doesn't mean I don't love

you. But we're married.

Well, so is Thomas Edison.

He slept on the couch, too. He was the
Wizard of Menlo Park.

What has that got to do with us?

Who knows?

Maybe I'm on the brink of a great
invention.

Do you really love me?

Georgette, I love you as no man has ever
loved another woman.

I know.

Ted, if you really love me, you'll try
to do something about your problem.

Problem? Who's got a problem?

You do, Ted.

And I think you could use some help,
honey.

What kind of help?

Professional help.

I think maybe you should see a
psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist? Oh, no. I'm not letting
anybody fool around with my brain.

It's taken me too long to get it the way
it is.

Ted, for your own sake.

Georgette, I'm not going to a
psychiatrist.

I already made an appointment. Okay, I'm
not going.

Please?

No.

Well, why should I?

Because I want our marriage to last
forever.

Because I think you're the most
wonderful man in the whole world.

Because I love you.

And because if you don't, I'm going to
dump you.

You're a hard woman, Georgette.

You better believe it.

What time do I have to be there?

Tomorrow at two.

Okay.

Just answer me one thing.

If I hadn't agreed to go, would you
really have dumped me?

No. I'm not as tough as I look.

Hey, what do you say we turn in early
tonight, Tiger?

Oh, Teddy Bear.

I mean, if I have to go see that
psychiatrist, I'm going to need all the

can get.

I am very good. This will only take a
minute. Sue Ann, tomorrow my helpful

with a single girl is what turns a man
on.

Of course, I know lots of ideas how to
get a man interested myself, but I

thought you might know a couple we could
actually talk about on the air. Sue

Ann, look, I am really very busy, and I
haven't the vaguest idea what turns a

man on.

Well, I realize that, dear.

I just thought if I asked you, I might
make your day.

No, I just wanted to go someplace with
me. Ted, could I ask you a question?

What turns you on about a woman?

You been talking to George yet?

No, no, no. Ted, Sue Ann is doing a show
about the single woman, and she just

wants to know what gets a man
interested.

Well, I think it's a terrible idea for a
show prying into things like that.

There are certain things that should
remain private. A guy's love life is one

them. As far as I'm concerned, there are
two things that have no place on

television. Sex and violence.

I never knew those were two different
things.

What's with him?

I don't know. I think he was just
embarrassed.

Well, I don't know why he should be. I
certainly wouldn't be embarrassed if

someone wanted to know what turns me on
about a man.

I'm sure you wouldn't be.

I would simply say it right out. I think
a man should be virile and macho and

just reeking with masculinity.

The rifles I got legitimately from a gun
store.

And the pistols I got from a hawk shop.

Slipping the guy an extra 50 bucks and
promising I'd buy a moose head.

What about the machine gun?

Oh, well, I had a lot of luck there,
Mary.

I got it from a guy who knew a guy who
knew a maniac.

Mr. Grant, look at this.

Hey!

Hey!

Nice going, Murray. Not bad, huh, Lou?
Yeah, where'd you get these?

All over town.

Yeah? Well, did anybody ask you any
questions?

Yeah, one guy.

See, I went into a sporting goods store,
and I asked him if I could buy ten

rifles and a thousand rounds of
ammunition.

Then the clerk asked me what I wanted
them for.

What'd you tell him?

Well, I told him I was going to start my
own army so I could overthrow the

government of the United States.

What'd he say?

Well, then he asked me if I'd like to
look at some uniforms.

All right.

Well, good story. Write it up, and we'll
put it on tonight. Good work, Murray.

Hey, didn't anyone...

Say anything to you, going around with
those guns?

Oh, no.

But it was the first time a cab driver
ever gave me a tip.

Expecting trouble?

Ted, Mr. Vance in now.

Oh, good. I've got to see him right
away.

Lou, I've got to talk to you.

Ted, I'm trying to work. You don't just
barge in here without knocking.

Sorry.

Who is it?

Ted.

Go away.

Lou, please, you've got to do me this
favor. It's the most important thing

ever ask you to do.

Ted, I've already told you. You can't
sing the news.

Not that, Lou. This is really important.

All right, what is it?

It's a secret.

You have to promise you won't tell
anybody.

I promise.

Swear. Ted, swear.

I swear.

Criss -cross, applesauce, spit in the
ocean, hope to die.

Right. You got to say it, Lou. Criss
-cross.

Criss -cross.

Applesauce. Applesauce. Spit in the
ocean. Spit in the ocean. Hope to die.

to die.

All right, now, all together.

Dick!

I'm sorry.

What's the secret?

Lou, I'm going to go see a psychiatrist.
I can't tell you whether it's personal.

I'll give you a hint.

There's something to do with my mind.

I have to see him this afternoon.

I want you to come with me, Lou. I need
you for moral support.

I'll tell you, I'm very busy. Please,
Lou, my marriage depends on it.

Your marriage?

You're not kidding me, are you? No,
George, you have to leave me if I don't

Okay, okay, I'll come. Oh, thanks.

Thanks a million.

Well, I still don't understand why you
need me.

Well, don't you see, Lou?

If I'm seen going into a psychiatrist's
office, people are liable to think I'm

crazy.

This way, if you come with me, they'll
think I'm taking you.

What if the psychiatrist tells me I'm
crazy?

Relax, Terry, you're not crazy.

I don't know how I can be sure about
that.

I've had some pretty strange dreams
lately.

Especially this one dream I keep getting
all the time.

Standing on the corner, suddenly
somebody taps me on my shoulder and I

around and there's a kangaroo standing
there.

The kangaroo says, hello, what's your
name?

And I say...

I'm Ted Baxter, the anchorman.

The kangaroo says, well, you can't be
Ted Baxter, the anchorman. I'm Ted

the anchorman.

Then we start to argue, and a crowd
gathers, some people, some kangaroos,

one duck.

I never figured out what that duck was
doing.

Anyway, finally, the kangaroo says, I
can prove who I am, and he reaches into

his little pocket. You know they have
those little pockets?

He pulls out this...

This business card.

You know what the business card says?

What? It says, Ted Baxter, Anchorman.

So I put it in my pocket and I pull out
my card.

And you know what that card says, Lou?

What? Bucky the kangaroo.

And everybody starts to laugh. The
people, the kangaroos.

Except that duck.

He just waddles over to me.

Looks up into my eyes.

Disgraces himself on my shoe.

I've never told another living soul that
dream, Lou.

I only told you because I know I can
trust you.

Ted, you did the right thing.

So did the duck.

Look, everybody has crazy dreams.
They're nothing to worry about.

Pull yourself together.

Mind if I ask you a personal question?

Why? Well, you were married a long time.

Yeah, so?

Did you ever have a problem in the
bedroom?

Of course.

Oh, good. I feel better already.

I couldn't get the drape shut.

I know what you mean. Shut up.

Yes.

Mr. Baxter, Dr.

Powell will see you now.

Come on.

It's all right, Lou. I'm not ashamed to
see you psychiatrists anymore.

You're just going to face him like the
mature, intelligent being Diana.

Don't worry, Lou.

See what the doctor can do about your
bedwetting problem.

Oh, uh, Mr.

Baxter.

How do you do? I'm Dr.

Powell. Hi.

So, you're a psychiatrist.

Yes. Mr. Baxter, why don't you just sit
down and tell me a little bit about

yourself.

Like what?

Well, to start with, why don't you tell
me why you've come here.

Oh, no.

You have my assurance.

That's not good enough.

Well, what would you like?

Tell me something weird about yourself.

That way, if you tell on me, I can tell
on you.

Mr. Baxter, I'm a psychiatrist.

Tell me something even weirder.

Please, believe me. You can trust me.

Now, why don't you tell me a little bit
about who you are and what you do?

What do you mean, what do I do?

I'm on the news every night.

I see.

And what do they say about you?

They don't say about me. I say about
them.

Well, that's certainly getting back at
them.

Tell me, Mr. Baxter, who exactly are
they?

They?

Yes, the ones that you say about.

All of them.

The president, congressman, Marlo
Thomas.

Tell me, Mr. Baxter, why do you think
these people are all against you?

I don't think they're against me.

I'm a newscaster. I talk about them on
the 6 o 'clock WJM News.

Of course.

Deb Baxter, I've seen you.

You're very funny.

Thank you.

Well, before we go any further, I think
there are some things you should know

about analysis. One, it, um...

It can be a very lengthy procedure, and
two, it can be very expensive.

How expensive?

My fee is $75 an hour.

$75 an hour? Yes.

Look, doctor, I'm a desperate man.

I'm terribly unhappy.

I'm putting myself in your hands. I'm
begging you, please help me, help me,

me. Of course, Mr. Baxter, how?

By lowering your damn fee.

Georgia? Great news.

I'm better.

Than what?

I'm cured.

I had an honest, frank discussion with
the doctor, and he's freed me of all my

inhibitions. And I no longer have any
problems with you -know -what.

That's wonderful, Jim.

Yeah, the psychiatrist told me that I've
been substituting you for my mother.

That I've been thinking of you with such
reverence that...

I was afraid to show you any physical
affection.

That was the whole problem? Yeah.

And I don't have to go back anymore
either.

I mean, isn't that great? Some people
have to go to years for a cure from a

psychiatrist, but not me.

After only three visits, he said he
never wanted to see me again.

Oh, I'm so happy, Dick.

What shall we do to celebrate?

Oh, now, you just leave that to me.

Who could that be?

It could be Lou and Mary.

Why would it be Lou and Mary?

Because I invited them to dinner.

I'm sorry, Ted, but every time you come
back from the psychiatrist, you've been

so depressed that I thought I would
cheer you up to have company.

Ted, will you open the door?

Ted, I invited Mary and Lou for dinner.
They're our guests.

Try to be a good host.

Come right in here and sit down. Can I
get you some dessert?

No, thank you. I couldn't eat another
bite.

I'm here, Mary.

I can't take Mary in those clothes.

Oh, all right.

That's a lovely outfit you have, Mary.
Thank you.

Hello, do you think the North Stars will
make the playoffs?

Yeah, I think they got a shot.

Oh, it's time to hit the hay.

something. We were invited to have
dinner, and yet ever since we got here,

you've been acting like you couldn't
wait for us to go home, like you

wait for the evening to be, oh.

Mr.

Grant, could I talk to you for just a
minute, please?

My, look how late it is.

I've got an early day. You coming, Mary?
Yes, I am. Oh, gee, it was nice to have

you stop by like this. It was certainly
marvelous of you to stop by. Please,

drive carefully.

Ah,

Jericho. Oh, take it easy.

I thought they'd never leave.

Oh, Mom.

Ted.

Listen, I just called this heavy guy for
a couple of days.

Oh, yeah, belated honeymoon.

Of course I'm taking Georgette.

Yeah, right, it would be cheaper.

I couldn't do that.

Besides, you'll probably find out.

Mom, I'm going on a honeymoon. I'm
taking my wife with me.

Goodbye, Mom. I'll call you when I get
back.

Ted,

look at the mail we got on that gun
control show. Hey, what kind of reaction

I get?

Terrific. Really? Yeah.

117 people wrote letters threatening to
shoot you.

What?

Oh, relax, Ted. That's only half as many
as you usually get.

Oh, good.

Hi, Mary.

Georgette, hi.

I came by to pick up Ted.

We're going on a belated honeymoon.

Oh, that's terrific.

Then everything is okay between you two?

Sure is.