All language subtitles for mad_about_you_s06e21_paul_slips_in_the_shower

Oh, most of my friends love that.

Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me
who Can stop my heart as

much as you Take each other's hand As we
jump into the final frontier

How about you, baby?

Yeah! You sure you didn't see it?

Sorry. A whole bag of cookies just
disappeared?

You sure you bought two bags?

Yes, I'm positive. I remember the guy at
the checkout counter going, somebody

likes a lot of cookies, like I need this
guy commenting on my life.

Wait a second, didn't we finish the
cookies when my folks were over? Yes,

that was the first bag. There were like
two left.

Your father had one. Your mother said,
Bert, the sugar will kill you. And then

she ate it.

And we didn't start the second bag? No.

They aren't here. I got a craving. I'm
really upset.

Well, I'm going to call the police and
see what they know.

Maybe you ate them.

Yes, that's what I did. I ate an entire
bag of Milano cookies in one shot. Not

impossible. Yeah, and then I didn't tell
you because so shaky is our

relationship. So fragile.

The ties that bind us. I'm so heinous a
crime. You tell me. Where'd they go? I

don't know. Nobody knows. You know what?
It'll be just one of those sweet

mysteries of life.

I don't like it.

I'm taking a shower. I'm finding the
cookies.

All right, I'll wash up, you'll save
friends.

I'm in a mood for a shower.

Simply because I enjoy a nice shower.

Often before one's death, one's life
flashes before one's eyes.

Always know I love you.

Not always the most profound images.

into a person's psyche.

Your son Paul has enormous potential.

Sure. If only he would apply himself.

There's no question the young man has
potential.

There's so much he can do.

There's so much I know he wants to do.

Guess who's living in Chicago now?

My cousin Victor's wife, Marilyn.

I told you they split up, didn't I?

Yeah, yes. Yes, you did.

I hate to say I told you so, but she was
never right for him.

Sorry.

What? What are you doing?

Um, homework.

Really? And who is that, Judy?

Hello, Mrs. Buckman.

Hello. Isn't your mother expecting you
for dinner?

I was just going.

Okay.

Birch, your son is kissing.

Paul, your mother is your mother. I
know, I know. You're not going to change

her. We discuss this all the time.

I don't know why you have to pay that
woman $100 an hour.

I'll make it very simple for you.

Your mother is a horrible person.

Okay? Period.

End of sentence.

Free of charge.

$100 a week?

When I first met your mother, do you
know what I was making?

$65 a week. $60.

$60 a week I was making.

And I think when Debbie was born, I gave
myself a raise.

A whopping $75.

$80. $80 a week. But $100 a week to talk
about your problems?

Unheard of.

Didn't we teach you about money?

You see how all the pictures are facing
the same way? That's fundamental.

Very important.

When you see a guy with his money facing
every which direction, do you know what

it says?

The guy's a loser.

Big loser.

Plus, and this is what I want you to
remember, Paulie, the big bills are on

inside and the singles and the fives on
the outside.

Do you know why?

Because that way people don't see the
big bills and rob you? That's right, my

smart boy.

You see?

Organized and nice.

You see, you want to put the applesauce
on this side and the green beans on this

side because they're very different
flavors. And you don't want to get them

confused. You see?

Separate and nice.

He's so his father, it's unbelievable.

All right, first of all, I'm not.

And second of all, what would be so bad
if I were?

He always phrases things in such a way
that he can't be wrong.

I don't know. That's not... I don't. No,
I don't.

And if I did, I'd do it less than you.

Paul. That was a little childish. I
caught that. It's not always about

Paul. Thank you.

Okay, so how come when she wins, that's
okay?

It'll be your third light.

Don't give her lights. Give her
landmarks. Third light. It's across from

House of Pies. You'll see it. There's a
big store across the street. Pies?

A big pie store.

Monty's House of Pies. You know what?
They'll see the M for Monty. It's big

a mountain range. Do you want to talk to
her? Do you want her to find it or

don't you? One of us is doing this. You
or me?

You. Thank you.

But you're doing it badly.

You'll see it's a strip mall, right
after the cloverleaf turn.

It's the 28th light.

You'll see there's a pet world, and then
there's a baseball card and memorabilia

shop. You'll see a big sign, Doug's
Cards. Make the right, then you'll see

another light. You know what? You can't
miss it. There's a huge, a wooden owl.

The owl is gone. Just look for the
light.

Hold on a second. Excuse me. Is this not
exactly the kind of thing you hate when

I do to you?

Does it bother you?

No, but the point is, when I do this
kind of thing to you, you hate it.

Because it bothers me. I understand.

So, if this bothers you, tell me.

You're missing my point. The point is,
how can you see the similarity between

when you do this and when I do this?

Because when you do it, it's annoying.

It's the 28th light.

Well,

who we marry says a lot about us.
Meaning what?

Well, for example, Paul.

When you talk about Jamie, it sounds
like you're talking about your mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Meaning what?
That I'm like his mother?

Well, maybe.

In some ways. Or maybe you're the exact
opposite.

What do you think, Paul? Is Jamie like
your mother?

Um, you know, pfft.

It's, who knows, you know, really.

I don't know.

When in the face of death, the mind
calls forth a dizzying array of

unrelated images.

Oh, wait, wait.

Give me.

Oh, I see a knife. What do you think,
Beth?

Boy, what have we learned? When you play
against my mom, you ain't never gonna

win. That's correct, my friend.

Everything comes to the surface.

Look at this.

Cigarettes and matches. Very nice for a
13 -year -old boy.

Where'd you find all this? Where? I
found it.

It was just sitting out? No, it wasn't
just sitting out. It was in a box.

Florsheim shoes.

Inside a bag.

In the closet. In a bigger box marked
letters from Grandma.

Born yesterday?

It ain't never gonna win.

But in truth, these images all may be
different expressions of the same basic

desire. I want to win, Lord!

Look at this.

Oh, for God's sake. Make it girls, Bert.

I see.

Not only naked, but look, look how
they're sitting.

And I'm not a fruger.

No, no, no. No, no, I mean, I don't know
any one of our friends who would say

Sylvia Buckman is a fruit.

No, no, no, they wouldn't. Look at this.
Can you imagine if these girls' parents

were alive and they stumbled across
this? They, they, they, I don't know

He just leaves you sitting around, my
brilliant son. No, he didn't leave them

sitting around. I looked. I came across.

It's inside a little valise.

In a blanket.

Above the dryer.

In the crawl space.

We're never going to win.

I want to win, Lord.

I want to win.

You're not going to get anything past
Jamie ever, so you can just stop trying.

Yeah, but why is that?

I was once getting my nails done at this
place called Vivian's, a great little

shop I discovered.

And for some reason, I just didn't feel
like sharing it with anyone.

Sure. So, I see Jamie, and I just got my
nails done, and she goes, Hi, Fran.

Like that.

Hi, Fran.

Awkward silence like, Fran, isn't there
anything you're not sharing with me?

Oh, stop it. No, I am telling you, she
has this radar and it goes right to the

back of your brain.

Women, you gotta understand, are
different.

It's not just a man -woman thing. It's
gaming.

I mean, you can't lie to a woman. You
just gotta work a whole lot harder. I

mean, to be honest with you, it's almost
not even worth it. Unless, of course,

you're very, very good.

How did she know I didn't read the book?
Sweetie. I could have read the book.

No, no, no. You didn't commit.

I committed.

She said, did you ever read Angela's
Ashes? And I said, mm -hmm.

You've never read it.

No, but she doesn't know that. And I've
been meaning to read it, so that's like

something. You know, it's not like I
never heard of it.

Sweetie, you can't lie. Just accept it.

What? You can't. You don't have it in
you. You're an honest person.

That is a terrible thing to say.

No, it's one of the things I love most
about you. Let me tell you something. I

can lie as good as anybody.

You really can't.

Hey, of course I can.

No, you can't, but it's okay.

You know what? Now you're really bugging
me.

Sweetie. Just drop it.

But I used to be able to lie, didn't I?
When? I don't know, before.

Years ago.

Oh, yeah, years ago you were very
strong.

I mean, when you applied yourself, you
could lie like nobody's business.

What happened was, I did the assignment,
and then I did the bonus questions,

too. You know, the ones we didn't even
really have to do.

But I didn't like the way those came
out, so I ripped them up.

But I wasn't thinking, and I
accidentally ripped up the whole thing

other answers, the ones we were supposed
to.

So that's why when you asked, did I do
the assignment, I said, well, yes, I did

it, but I don't have it.

All right, then. Sit down.

No, but I mean after that, as a grown
-up. I used to lie, didn't I? Sure.

Hey, you remember the girl from
Cincinnati?

Who's that?

I don't know her name. You don't
remember her? She was from Cincinnati.

Her? No.

Her? No. Her?

No. You mean her? No, she had like
reddish hair. You met her in Florida.

Don't know who you're talking about. Oh,
yes, you do. We met her in Florida. She

was on vacation from Cincinnati. Her
grandmother had a boat.

And my grandmother got this guy's boat,
so we came down from Cleveland.

Cleveland? Yeah, sure, of course, yeah.
Hey, do you remember all the crap you

told her about you and boats? Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so funny. I practically grew up on
boats. My father had. He built,

actually. Do you know what a storm
chaser is?

No. It's a boat.

And from the time I was like three, I
used to always go out and sit on my

lap. You know, he let me hold the wheel
and we could just sail across the water.

Nobody around for miles, just me, my old
man and the wind.

I remember he always used to say to me,
he said, son, never forget that a man

and his boat are like two hearts in one
soul, caressing each other and holding

each other lovingly and tenderly, but
always serving one.

common master, which is their dance
across an ageless sea.

I don't know. I guess I've always lived
my life that way.

I want you to take me right here and
right now.

My God, I was good. I'm telling you.
What happened to me?

You see, Paulie, the trick is you have
to balance yourself.

I mean, it's like this sandwich here,
for example. This is a big sandwich.

Yes. Yeah. I mean, you figure between
the salami, the provolone, and the

mayonnaise, and I'm using the real kind
here. You add it all up, you're talking

about, what, like a million calories.

All right.

But everything in balance, my friend.
What do you suppose that I had for

breakfast?

A smaller one of these?

No, no, no. The juice?

Of one grapefruit.

That's all?

Just that.

It's all a question of balance, my
friend.

Mmm.

I can stop eating any time I want.

Oh, you see what it is? It's twice the
chocolate now.

Oh, that's just unfair.

Pointing with people's lives.

I can stop eating any time I want.

Servings per container, eight?

What, are they kidding me? There's no
way this is making it through eight

people.

The

whole

bag? I eat an entire bag of cookies?

Why don't you stop me?

Well, at least go get me some milk or
something.

And I know you're not supposed to eat
that many cookies.

So I know I'm out of control.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

What?

You're not eating.

I'm eating. I've been eating since I got
home from camp. So you'll eat a little

more.

I mean, I'm sure it's connected to my
childhood somehow.

Mm -hmm. But I don't know exactly how.

Hmm. Well, what do you think it might
be?

Hard to say.

Maybe,

just maybe, there's like a sexual
component.

Because I know it's always related
somehow to sexual things. I don't know

exactly how, but I'm suggesting maybe
it's that.

Maybe fighting or wanting to have a
fight.

My mother, maybe it's old anger at my
mother.

Maybe Jamie and my mother.

You know, something to do with the two
of them. Maybe something between them.

Maybe something I feel towards both of
them.

I just want to win, Lord.

I really, really would like to win.

Maybe it's about winning.

Wanting to win.

Feeling a need to win.

Having a desire to win.

I'd like to win.

with anger, mixed in there with the
anger, I'm guessing.

With the whole sexual thing.

And a little like my childhood.

Wanting to measure up, you know, fear of
not measuring up somehow.

My father, is it my father somehow?

As the breadwinner, you know, or like
the rock of the family.

Well, just whatever. You know, my father
in general.

Well, actually, I can't help you.

Just a little. If I could win just a
little.

What if you can't?

How's that?

I say, what if you can't win? Do you
still want to live?

Yes, but not as much.

Oh, Paul, you kill me. Don't you realize
that there are things much more

important than winning? Think, man.

Think.

Sure.

Oh, boy.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. I ate the
cookies. All the cookies. I ate all the

cookies. Okay, here's the bag.

I hid it in the couch when you came in.

I wasn't going to tell you, but I am,
okay?

I am the eater of the cookies.

But I just want you to understand
something.

I could have gotten away with this if I
wanted to, you know? I could have never

told you, and you never would have
known.

Right? I mean, before, when I told you
that I didn't eat the cookies, I said,

oh, I didn't eat the cookie. You
believed me, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Which means I can lie to you. I
choose not to.

That's right. I mean, you could have
been looking for that bag the rest of

life. You never would have found it.

You know? And I would have won. I would
have won. I would have had my little

secret, and you would have gone insane
looking for those cookies. You would

ended up in a home somewhere. I'd have
to visit you twice a month until we're

dead. But I didn't. I didn't. And you
know why?

Why? I don't want to lie to you.

It makes me feel bad.

I love you.

Everything else is just silliness.

And if there's anything clogging up
whatever you and I have, I don't want it

I won't let it be there.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So that's why you weren't going to tell
me? Just so you could prove you could

lie? Uh -huh.

Wow. Yeah, I know.

But I get it now. I'm very clever now.

Well, good.

Can I ask you just one thing?

Go ahead.

Why did you eat 15 cookies in the first
place?

They're just very good.

I see.

I'm gonna take a shower.

Because I enjoy a shower.

But I don't enjoy falling.

So this way, I maybe won't fall.

I put little sticky things on the tub
floor.

They will help the friction so I don't
fall and die.