All language subtitles for mad_about_you_s06e15_the_second_mrs_buchman

See, if the pony runs away and becomes a
flower, his mommy will become a

bumblebee so she can be with him. Look
what we got, a box of goodies for Mabel

from Cousin Connie and Cousin Arthur.

Oh, that's so nice.

See, and if the pony becomes an ocean,
then his mommy becomes a fish so she can

be with him.

Stop their kids out, Gru.

Look, it's a jumper. We need a jumper.
We got to call them. Well, get them on

the phone.

If the pony becomes an island, his mommy
becomes a palm tree so she can be with

him. Honey, look at this.

That's disgusting.

If the pony becomes a beach, his mommy
becomes a seashell so she can be with

him. Look, a little bear.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, we got to get them on the phone and
thank them. It looks like a little poo

bear. Get them on the phone.

Honey, all the poo's coming out.

Oh, that's disgusting.

If the pony becomes a bird...

his mommy becomes a nest so she can be
with him.

Look at this. It's so cute. Look at
this. It's a little denim jacket. I've

wanting to find a jacket like this for
her. I have to call them. I'm saying, go

get them on the phone.

And if the pony becomes the moon, his
mommy becomes the star so she can be

him. So basically, though the mommy
loves this pony, the pony, frankly,

going to get a moment's peace.

Look at this.

What is that, jello?

I just really hope so. Oh, my God.

What are they, sending us garbage?

I'm going to get them on the phone.

Kind of potato five letters.

Did you just say Idaho?

Sweetie, have you seen my little home
plate sweeper off a thing? Oh, my God,

look how cute your daddy is.

Huh? Cute and bearing an uncanny
resemblance to legendary film star

I think it's so sweet you're umpiring
your father's game.

Yeah, because, you know, that's just
what a bunch of 70 - and 80 -year -old

need is a guy standing behind them
yelling suddenly.

Hey, Spanky.

Hey, Spanky.

Hey, James, I got your mail. Thank you,
Uncle Ira.

You're welcome. So, Paula, let me
understand.

I am the designated runner for the
softball game? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

which ones do I run for? For all of
them.

For all of them? They can't run, these
guys.

Well, maybe if they can't run, they
shouldn't be playing softball.

Hey, who do you know in Pittsburgh?

What, in Pittsburgh?

Absolutely nobody.

You know what I'm talking about? The
wiry, little wiry, brushy, sweep, just

sweep thing.

I hope this card finds you well. I know
you'll be pleased to hear that I'm just

fine and living here happily with my
family. I owe it all to you, Paul, and I

will never forget yours eternally.

Svetlana Pozhinsky.

Who's that? No idea.

No idea?

No idea. Little wiry, brushy, sweepy
thing. You know what I'm talking about.

There's just some psychotic Russian
woman sending you intimate postcards?

Svetlana. So you know her?

Oh, boy, not really.

What? Not, you know, oh, this is so long
ago.

She was a minor, may I say minor, figure
in my life. Like what, an old

girlfriend? Oh, less than that.

Not a one -night stand?

Less than that.

Anybody less than that is a stranger on
the subway.

She, all right, you are going to laugh.

I believe.

I think you're going to laugh when I
tell you this. This is because this is

a source of comedy.

We, Svetlana, Svetlana and I, we were
married.

I'm not going to practice my running.

I'll see you over at the park.

You were married to this woman?

I wasn't married, except that, well,
yes, I was married.

You were married?

For like 14 hours on paper, on paper.

You were married?

Sweetie, there was no romance. There was
no love. There was nothing. This was on

paper only. She was Russian.

When I was at NYU, I met Svetlana like
thrice.

Thrice? Thrice. Three times. Thrice.

Sweetie, you know what it is? She loved
America. She loved America. She wanted

to stay. So, you know, she asked me if I
would marry her.

In name. In name only.

So I wanted to be a nice guy. I was 20.
I was like 20.

Did I know that I was going to be having
this conversation with you? I didn't

know you. No, so I went down to see you
when we got married.

I've never seen her. I've literally
never seen her again in my life.

You were married.

Yeah, okay.

It was nothing. It was like a pretend
thing. This is not even a marriage. It's

like we went to Halloween and we were
dressed up as a married couple.

It was nothing. This is a microscopic.

This is, you know, this is like soupy
sales meant more to me.

Is he attractive?

No, yeah.

She wasn't unattractive. She was, you
know, she had like a Russian exotic

quality. Exotic. Interesting.

Sweetie, everybody's attractive in some
way. You know, all of God's creatures, I

suppose, if you look what's not.

I'm your second wife.

Second? Second to Mrs. Tallbuck. This is
ridiculous.

So what you said I do, did you kiss her?

I, no, yeah, you know, like the Pope
would kiss the top of a sick child's

See?

It's nothing.

Trust me, this means nothing.

Don't make anything of this. Make
nothing of this, please.

Okay? I'm standing here in umpire's
clothing, begging you to make nothing of

There's nothing to be made. Look, this
is such a small... Nothing. This is such

a big pile of nothing to worry about. A
small pile.

A small pile of nothing. It's not even a
pile. There's no pile with which worry

could be... You shouldn't even worry.
There's nothing. There's nothing here.

Okay?

Okay, so we're fine. You see? You see
what this is?

You see what it is, right? It's... You
see what this is?

You were married. Okay.

Batter up! Your attention, please.

Now making his way to the plate.

Loving husband to Estelle.

lovely camera, Sylvia. Oh, thank you.
You know, it does everything. It

it fades in, it fades out, it goes in
slow motion, and you never have to

the batteries.

I said I liked it. What do you want from
me?

And once again, better up! And

once

again, let us say, better up! All right
already with the better up. All

Fine. All right.

Close it.

Bring it on, sucker.

Put it in.

Ain't no better.

First pitch, first man, first strike,
any boy.

Mr. Irvin?

If you would.

Hey. Look, I'm running.

No, anytime she's appropriate, run,
catch.

What? Safe. His foot hit the bed right
before the ball came. Come on, Paul.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.
He's safe. He was in there.

What's the matter with you? A hammy.
Severe tearing in a hammy and granule

You're the youngest guy here.

I know. The irony.

Paul, he was out.

Look, I cause him like I seize him.

As a matter of fact, he was safe.

Are you seriously going to stand here
and tell me that he was safe? This is

I'm saying.

Then you ought to get your eyes checked,
Blue.

Don't push it, Number 10.

He was out.

Admit it, he was out. Don't kick dirt,
Pop. All right, I won't kick dirt. What

are you doing?

You happy?

You believe this, everybody?

He was out, Blue.

Mrs. Mitchell, I beg to differ. He was
safe. You're blind and a liar. Pop,

push it. You're a blind liar.

I'm warning you, cut it out right now.

I'm giving you one last warning. Cut it
out.

That's it. All right, you're out.

All right, just tell me, how long are
you going to be upset about this fat

thing? I don't know.

Well, I mean, just so I can pace myself.
Give me a rough idea, like a half an

hour, 80 years, what? I don't know.

Forever?

You're going to be upset about this
forever?

That's the plan.

Would you just tell me what I can do to
make this better? There's nothing you

can do.

There's nothing? Nothing I can do?
There's nothing you can do.

Okay. Well, good. All right, good. So,
then let's eat.

I'm sorry, I just can't imagine a
time... I'm not going to be upset about

Sweetie, let me say this to you.

I was wrong not to tell you, okay? I
mean, even though it meant nothing to me

and I didn't even remember it myself, I
should have racked my brains and combed

my past to come up with this and I
should have realized how it would have

you feel and I should have. I should
have told you a long time ago and for

I am deeply, deeply, genuinely sorry.

Okay.

Really? Uh -huh.

Okay.

Because I can't wait to talk about me
again. Listen to this. My father...

However, however... What's the matter?

There is one little thing that I need to
tell you, too, Paul.

There is? Yeah, there's a little thing
out of my past, a little unthinking kind

of, oh my God, I forgot thing that I
have, too.

Okay. I hate to tell you, because, boy,
I don't want you to go through the kind

of hell I've been in lately.

No, no, no, that's okay. Go ahead.

Paul.

Honey, I actually once accidentally had
sex for

money.

I'm sorry?

I had sex for money accidentally once
many years ago.

Okay, that's what I don't understand.
Accidentally. I was right out of

I was broke. I met this guy at a party,
and we went back to my place. And the

next morning, he was gone, and he left
me.

$100, and I kept it.

That true? Yeah.

Okay, well, that's, you know, it's not
like there was a prearranged thing where

there was a price and both parties knew
that money would change hands. No, no,

but I can understand why he would think
I was, you know, a working girl. I was

pretty trashy that night. Oh, boy.

Wow.

All right, well, good. Well, then there
you go.

Glad you shared that.

He gives you a $100 bill and just, he
puts it on the dresser there? Yep.

Wow.

Just like a crisp $100 bill.

Yes. I don't know if it was exactly a
$100 bill. Well, 50s. Whatever, 20s,

20s? Maybe some 5s. 5s. Maybe a couple
of singles.

Really? And some change.

Change? Uh -huh.

And a bus pass.

All this he leaves on the dresser? Yep.
Well, no.

Where does he put it?

On the floor.

Guy leaves $100 in small bills, some
change, and a bus pass on the floor.

As payment for sex.

Yeah.

Just right there on the floor, you're
saying? Not right directly on the floor.

think the change and the bus pass were
just thrown on the floor, but the bills

were not.

Where are the bills?

In his wallet.

So you sleep with this guy?

We didn't sleep together. But we were
going to. Oh, my God, we were going to.

But we didn't.

So you didn't? I barely knew the guy.

Okay.

Guy comes to your house. You know what?
Forget it.

Yes. Hi.

I'm looking for Svetlana Pozhinsky,
please.

Yes. Also the former Svetlana Buckman.

Yes.

Does Svetlana Pozhinsky, the former
Svetlana Buckman, live here? You bet.

May I speak with her, please?

By all means.

Is she home now?

Uh -huh. May I speak with her, please?

Please.

Okay. Boy, I don't mean to be rude. I'm
just going to ask this one more time.

May I please speak with Svetlana
Pozhinsky?

Absolutely, you may. Is she home now? Uh
-huh. Yes, she is.

Great. May I speak with her?

Sure.

Okay.

You know what? Let's try this. What is
your name, please?

Svetlana Pozhinsky.

Are you sure? Yes. Your name is Svetlana
Pozhinsky? Yes. Are you sure? Yes.

Formerly Svetlana Buckman? This is what
I'm saying.

Here we go. It's the actual Civil War
Yankees against the...

Hey, your flight is open. You can't go
out like that, Mitch.

How you doing? I'm okay. I took more
Advil than a lab rat.

So good.

Batter up! Beating off for the Yankees.
Loving husband to Sylvia.

Loving father to Debbie, Sharon, and
Paul.

Well, to Debbie and Sharon.

Proud grandfather to Jed, Noah, and the
delicious new Mabel.

The first baseman

I can read your watch from here.

Okay, come on, Al.

Just you and me, baby.

Come on, Al.

We're just playing catch -all.

Okay, Al.

Al?

Al?

Al!

Call the ball.

All right, who's arguing?

Yes, naturally.

They get a nice crowd here, don't they?

Okay.

We're going to sing them right into me,
Al.

Okay, Al?

Here we go.

Paulie, maybe you should just... This is
only a suggestion, but maybe you should

be big about this and just say that you
made the wrong call the other day.

Well, the man was safe. I called him
safe, and the decision stands.

If we start changing the call after the
fact, I'm really worried that the game

is going to lose its integrity.

Jim!

I think the integrity ship kind of
already sailed.

Mal, do me a favor, would you please?
See if we can get the furniture off the

infield.

Pop?

Let me say this.

I just wish there was some way we could
clear this up.

Well, me too.

I'm zooming.

Watch me zoom.

Maybe there is a way to clear this up.
What? What do you mean? And still. Yeah.

Can I see that camera for one second?
Yeah.

Little instant replay.

That's so smart.

These are very, very smart things. All
right, gentlemen, here we go.

Al, the butcher burn bomb hits the ball.

There's Ira running, running.

Mr. Edlund's rose, which, all due
respect, would be in slow motion even in

normal speed.

And he's safe.

Safe? Yes.

You're all right. You're safe.

Yes. Yes.

I'm sorry, Paul.

It's okay. No, no, no. I mean, I'm
really sorry.

Paul, son, my son, I'm sorry, man to
man.

I apologize to you.

Accept it. No, no, no, no, no. This is
big. I'm terribly sorry.

I'm filled with remorse.

That's all right, Pop. It's in the past.
It happened. It's over. It's gone.

Don't worry about it.

Really? Yeah, absolutely.

Boy, that was a nice moment. Nice little
moment.

Don't worry.

I've got the whole thing on tape.

Hi. Hi.

Paul, I believe you know Svetlana
Pozhinsky?

Hello, Svetlana.

Hi, Paul.

Svetlana, I'm sure you remember your ex
-mother and father -in -law, Sylvia, and

Bert. Bert, of course you know Paul's
first wife, Svetlana.

What are you talking about?

Okay, did I mention this to nobody at
the time?

You sound like a James Bond girl.

In the earlier films, when he was a
struggling spy.

Hey, Paul, we're burning daylight here.

Mal, do you know Paul's first wife,
Svetlana?

No.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Paul, may I?

Please.

Has everybody had a chance to meet
Paul's first wife, Svetlana?

Well, that's something I never would
have expected.

Svetlana comes down after all these
years, meets another guy.

How are you doing with that? You hanging
in there?

You understand what I'm saying? It was a
paper marriage.

I believe you said she was exotic.

I was 20. She had an accent. What do you
want?

Why didn't you tell me she was 73 years
old?

If I knew that her age made such a
difference to you, believe me, I would

mentioned it.

So she was a student at NYU?

No, I didn't. I said I met her at NYU.
She worked in a cafeteria.

In a situation like this, details are
very important.

Listen, you ask me and I'll give you all
the details you want. All right, well,

next time... No, no, no, there's not
going to be a next time.

Really? So you don't have any other
former wives?

Uh... No.

Are you sure? Yeah, I'm really sure.
Okay. I'm really sure. Good. All right,

it's over? It's over.

Good.

What? Okay, so who was the guy with the
wallet?

Wait a minute.

I feel like I'm not tonight.

Really? Just so tired.

You are? Yeah.

I'm almost asleep.

I understand.