All language subtitles for mad_about_you_s05e14_the_penis

Okay. Okay, I have the name. Are you
ready?

What is it? Sit down. I want you to be
sitting down for this.

Uh -oh. All right. All right. I'm
sitting.

Close your eyes.

Open your mind.

Picture, if you will, Mirabella.

Okay, how about if it's a boy?

Newsweek. All right. No, go ahead.

Mock me. What is it with you? The last
ten weeks, all you're doing, you're

feeding me girls' names.

I got a couple of boys' names. Please.

Otto.

Otto.

Otto. That's a nice name if you're bald
and have a monocle.

Hi. Hello, Buckmans.

Hi. We're here to see Joan.

Well, why don't the three of you fill
that out? We'll be right with you.

You know, it's easy to shoot down names.
Let's hear some of yours.

I got many old names.

Joseph.

Andy.

Michael.

Janet.

Jermaine. Tito.

Honey. Latoya.

Not so easy, is it? All right, all
right. What's wrong with Otto? It's a

distinctive name. You see very few kids
named Otto.

With good reason.

Distinctive is important for the
parents, but for the kid, all it means

going to end up hanging by his underwear
from a school locker.

He is not. You've got to think about the
playgrounds. Think about the

playgrounds. What you want is a name
that says, don't notice me, and if you

please God, don't beat me up.

Where did you grow up?

On the streets, baby.

Ooh. What?

Do you want to know the sex of the baby?

You know where I stand on that. I think
only good comes from knowing.

What about the surprise?

This is like the biggest surprise you
can ever have in your life.

What is the surprise, really? It's one
of two things.

It's a boy or a girl.

If it's a third thing, like, say, an
owl, then I say, let's find out now.

Listen, I hate to do this to you, but
I'm the mother.

What does that mean? It means I'm
carrying this child, and I say we're not

finding out.

Oh, are you pulling rank on me?

Off possessions, nine -tenths of the
law. Let's face it, you got nothing.

Looking good.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

We have a deal.

What deal? I had no leverage. You were
holding the baby hostage.

Oh, I can't take it anymore. I'm going
to look. Keep those hands up.

Oh, look how sweet.

Sweet in a boyish way or sweet in a
girlish way?

You're so cute.

Yeah, like cute handsome or cute pretty?

It's fine. The baby looks great. Oh, how
adorable.

Oh, I guess we'll just have to take her
word for that, won't we?

Well, if you want to look, you can look.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We agree.

We're not going to look.

Oh.

A penis?

A penis.

Positively a penis?

Absolutely a penis.

Oh. Let me ask you something. Yes, sir.
Was it big?

Can I tell you something? When it's your
kid and you're the father, you're a

parent, you don't care about stuff like
that. All you're concerned about is, is

the kid healthy? It's huge.

There you go. He's a buckman. Oh,
believe me, that's a buckman.

Who are we kidding? What are we saying?

So listen, you're going to be a father,
you're going to have a son, a boy, huh?

My first child will be a masculine
child.

Hey, hey, hey.

What about James? How are you going to
keep her from finding out?

I'll tell her when the moment's right.

When's that going to be?

Right after the kid's born.

Are you going to keep the sex of your
own child from your wife?

Why would I ruin this for her? I mean,
the surprise is very important to her.

She's been waiting for this her whole
life.

Plus, she'll kill you. Yeah, I don't
need that.

Oh, that's terrible.

Paul, did you know your Uncle Phil is in
the hospital? No.

Uncle Phil? What happened?

He's very sick.

I would imagine. He's in the hospital,
probably very sick.

What's the matter?

He's very sick.

A little more information, please?

Well, the doctor said it could be...
That's what the doctor said? The doctor

said that? The doctor said he had a
thing where... But he's very sick.

I'm just trying to get a little
information. He's very sick. All right.

Who was the number?

627.

Ready. Huh.

Oh, God.

No, no, no. I'm sure they just moved
him. Come on. We'll find out.

Uncle Phil?

Open up the bed!

I made a mistake.

You made a mistake?

Yeah, I pressed the wrong button.

Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, I think
I'm okay.

You didn't get hurt? No, I'm fine. What
exactly happened? Well, would you do me

a favor? Yeah. Could you go over there?
I can't take the swiveling.

Did you hit the wrong button?

I hit the wrong button. I'm pressing
buttons all my life.

Intercoms, doorbells. It's the first
time I ever got folded in half.

I learned something.

What's that? You know that your kneecaps
fit right into your eye sockets?

It's amazing.

Ooh, it's my favorite niece and nephew,
Jamie Paul. I'm embraced.

I'm embraced.

Good, good.

Of course, you know I'm dying.

You're not dying. Oh, come on. I know
I'm dying. There's no two ways about it.

Oh, come on. What do the doctors say?
The doctors, what do they know? I'm

telling you, it's bleak.

What do you mean? Why do you say it's
bleak?

Last night, late at night, I saw God.

Yes, he was hovering over me, maybe a
little to the left.

And he spoke to me. What did he say?

He said, hello.

That's how God talks? He just said
hello? Yes, that's how he talks. No

He's a regular guy, and he can do
anything.

He could take this whole building, turn
it upside down.

He could take Cincinnati, shove it in
Chicago.

You want a chocolate molded? Boom, you
got it.

Heads over light, I'm in it.

Toast, always golden brown.

He's perfect, but he doesn't rub your
nose in it.

So you actually talked back to God?

Yeah, I did. But I was respectful. So I
said, O Lord.

He likes Lord. Sure.

O Lord, what would you of me?

Who thou knowest unforgiveth of me to
come on us to use for me? Who thou

unforgetheth? Uncle Bill, you have some
food here. You haven't even touched it.

Food? You say food. I say hot.

A little Jell -O? Jell -O, that's the
worst thing they do. Do you know what

do? No.

They put pineapple in the Jell -O.

Is that bad? It's an unwritten law.

Never. Never put pineapple in Jell -O.

How do you put pineapple in the man's
Jell -O? Banana, yes.

Apple, fine.

Mango, borderline.

It can go in.

But pineapple erodes the Jell -O.

It loses its gelatinous consistency.

What is Jell -O? Jell -O is nothing if
it isn't a shimmy. The pineapple

the shimmy. There's no shimmy left in
this Jell -O. I think we get the drift

that. You could put pineapple in cottage
cheese. Fine.

The cottage cheese can take it. It's
strong.

The Jell -O fills up.

So there's no way.

Get my drift?

I do. Okay.

All right, then drift over here. There's
a bedpan in the last... Oh, you know

what? I'll just wait outside. No, no,
no, no. It's not that. It's not that

of thing. Here, here. Let me show you
what I have in mind. All right?

All right.

Here.

Saved it a trip.

Keep going.

Mr. Buckman, it's time.

Oh, no, don't take me. Don't let them
take me. It's going to be okay.

Don't let them take me. Save your uncle,
no.

Please, don't take me.

What's the matter? What is it?

What is it?

I'm in a tunnel.

I'm in a tunnel.

I see a light. I see a light at the
other end.

Is it heaven?

No.

It's New Jersey.

It's New Jersey, yes.

I must be in the Holland Tunnel, Mr.
Butler. Listen,

you don't worry about anything. You're
going to be fine. You have to do me a

favor. Sure, anything you want. This is
a deathbed request. Now, if you say yes,

it's a binding promise. Yes, anything
you want. If you have a boy, I want you

name him after me.

Oh, I'll go kill it. Whoa!

Whoa!

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Oh, the pain.

Oh, it's on the march.

It's on the go.

It's heading for my heart.

Here's the thing. The thing about the
name, it's hard for us to... Oh, God,

okay.

Fill in. We'll name the boy Phil. Wait,
wait, wait. One more thing.

My real name is not Phil.

My real name is Deuteronomy.

I never heard that.

Deuteronomy. I know.

The man's name is Deuteronomy. That's
what he said.

We just promised to name our child
Deuteronomy.

All right, all right. I don't understand
how you can be so calm about this.

Because worrying's not going to help
anything. And besides, we gave our word.

No, we gave our word to a guy named
Phil.

It's a matter of honor. If we just break
our word, then what kind of people are

we? Well, we're the kind of people who
were free to name their kid Tom.

I have a little surprise for you.

I think I know something you don't know.
Oh, what's that?

We're having a girl.

What are you talking about? I have a
very strong feeling that this baby's a

girl. And if that's true, we got no
problem.

So you're talking about a feeling? More
than a feeling. It's a maternal

instinct.

Okay. Well, honey, I respect that. I
really do. But, you know, instincts, I

mean... Thousands of years of
civilization have sort of dulled our

mean, you can't count on those. I mean,
look at me, my whole hunting -gathering

thing, that's shot.

What are you talking about?

You have no conception of motherhood.

I'm physically connected to this child.
This isn't some new age concept. This is

real.

All right, listen, I'm physically
connected to my pancreas and, you know,

hasn't said a word to me in 14 years.

Why are you giving me such a hard time
about this?

Tell me it isn't true.

I take it you talked to Uncle Phil.

Tell me you didn't agree to name your
child appendectomy.

You're on to me.

Look, have you both lost your mind?

Do you have any idea how much this kid
is going to be teased? Doody? I know.

Doodoo? We understand.

Doody on a me?

Yeah, yeah.

Keep this coming because this is really
helping now. Come on, think about it. If

I went to school with a kid named
Deuteronomy, my day would not be

until I made the kid cry.

Who do you think he's going to come to?
You? No, you're the perps.

He's going to come to me, his favorite
uncle, all right? You got to give this

kid a normal name.

Kids can make fun of any name.

Yeah, what about Bob?

Blob. All right, Joe?

Schmo. Shelly?

Smelly.

Ira?

Ira.

Now, you see, with a nice name like
Bert, you wouldn't get any teasing.

Well, actually, a few nasty kids used to
call me fat ass.

Plus, if Deuteronomy was such a
wonderful name, why does he call himself

He never even liked it himself.

Sylvia, it's not as bad as it sounds. I
was just telling Paul I have a very

strong maternal instinct that the baby
is a girl.

Really? I do.

Oh, what a relief.

I know that feeling.

You see?

See? Yeah, I knew that Paulie was going
to be a boy and that Debbie and Sharon

were going to be girls. You just get
that feeling. Oh, yeah, that feeling.

Avert, we've got nothing to worry about.

Oh, that's a relief.

I think Paulie has something he wants to
say.

No, I don't.

No, no, no, you want to say the thing
about, you know, the thing.

No, I don't. What thing? About what
thing? Nothing. Something.

So say it already.

I was saying to him earlier, I have my
own paternal instincts, you know, and I

just, I don't know, I got a feeling a
kid's going to be a boy.

Honey, that's very sweet, but this is
kind of a woman thing.

No, I understand. It's just, he really,
really, really got a very strong

feeling.

I feel it, feel it in my bones.

I can tell you with almost absolute
certainty this kid is going to be a boy.

Honey, we have nothing to worry about.

Trust me.

I peeked at the ultrasound, saw a little
penis.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One
second.

Don't chicken out on me. No, I'm not,
I'm not. It's just the man, he's on his

deathbed. We made him a promise.

I'm not keeping that promise.

It's just not going to be easy. I mean,
he's in there, he's hanging by a thread.

Prepare yourself for the worst.

Everybody's doing it, doing it, doing
it.

Everybody's doing it, doing it, doing
it. See that ragged down couple over

there? Watch them throw their shoulders
in the air. It's not your fingers,

honey, I declare.

It's a bear, it's a bear, it's a bear.

All right, boys.

Take pride.

Smoke them if you got them.

Leon.

Down. Down.

Down. You're going down. You got it. Up.

Everyone doing it. One more doing it.

Doing it.

Uncle Phil, what is all this?

The turkey trot. Yeah.

What about the surgery?

Surgery? No surgery. What surgery? They
prodded. They poked. They manipulated

digitally.

What did they find?

Zip. Zero.

Nothing.

Nothing. What about the pain?

Gas.

A humongous, rogue bubble of trapped
gas.

And it left as silently as it came.

In the night.

Here's your bag, Mr. Booker.

Oh, Skippy.

Here, thanks for everything.

Buy yourself a swatch.

Well, Phil, we're so... I'm happy to
hear that you're feeling better, you

because we actually wanted to talk to
you about something. This isn't mine.

what the hell.

We wanted to talk to you about
something, you know, about the name. The

Yeah, Deuteronomy.

The name, yes, Deuteronomy. Yeah, we're
a little concerned.

It's a little... Here's the thing, it's
not very common. Yeah.

Common. If you want common, you name a
kid Joe, you name a kid John.

The kid goes to a picnic.

John, your sandwich is ready.

Forty kids run up to get their sandwich.

You name the kid Deuteronomy.

Deuteronomy, your sandwich is ready.
Your kid's getting that sandwich.

You make a very, very strong point. Of
course.

It's just that we're concerned. This
isn't mine either.

What the hell?

This is mine. Yeah.

Are we just afraid that the kid would
get teased? I mean, didn't you used to

teased a lot?

Yeah, we all get teased. We get teased a
little bit. So what? It's no big deal.

I used to come home from school as I was
walking home. I'd hear, doody, doody.

See?

There's no duty on you. Is there any
duty on me?

You know? I got it. I got it.

Then they'd shove a little. They'd push.
I'd push. They'd shove. We'd shove.

We'd hit.

There'd be a lot of hitting.

And they'd smash me, and then they'd
take off my hat, and they'd all spit in

which wasn't fun.

And finally, one day, I said, this is
it. I've had my fill.

And it hit me.

That's a good name. So I took Phil and I
discarded Deuteronomy.

Exactly. Yeah.

So given all that, I guess you'd agree.

We don't want to name him Deuteronomy.
You can't name this kid Deuteronomy.

are you, nuts?

I was on painkillers. I was delirious.
What's your excuse?

Well, delirious. Shame on you.

But I love you both so much for going
along with that name for so long.

Well, it's settled.

No Deuteronomy. No Deuteronomy. Frame
embrace.

Frame embrace.

Frame embrace.

Thank you so much. Listen, good to see
you up, and you feel my pleasure.

I love you both very much. I love you,
too. If it's a boy, name him anything

want. Thank you, Uncle Phil. But if it's
a girl, I'd love you to name it after

my mother.

My name was Rose.

Rose. Rose.

That's actually kind of sweet. Rose is a
very pretty name.

Okay, we'll definitely think about it.
We'll think about it. We'll think about

Rose. Actually, Rose wasn't a real name.

So when the baby reaches five or six
pounds, you could... What?

What are you smiling at? The way you say
the baby?

The baby.

So as to not give away any gender
information.

Very deft. Well, I do this a lot.

Well, you can stop doing it with us. I
can.

We know it's a boy.

You do?

Paul saw a penis.

I'm sorry.

The other day when you were doing the
thing. The ultrasound.

I know we said we weren't going to look
and I...

I didn't mean to, but I just had a
little space between my fingers, and I

looked, and there it was. You saw a
penis.

Yes, ma 'am. Big expert penis spotter,
are you?

Well, I do all right.

Show me.

Seriously? If you please.

Look, there's our baby.

Healthy baby?

Very healthy.

He won't always be transparent, right?

Right there.

There?

I'm sorry.

Right there, look. You sure?

Yeah, look.

Right there. One, two, three, four,
five.

Five penises.

Boy, look out for this kid.

It's a foot, isn't it? Hand.

He didn't see a penis. Hand.

Is it possible his hand is on his penis?

Hand. Hand and nothing but a hand.

You can't see it in this picture, but
I'm telling you, the other day that kid

was happy to see somebody.

So this means it's a girl.

Nope.

It's a boy.

Nope.

Is it an owl?

Seriously, tell me. I won't be mad.

Do you want to know? Do you really want
to know?

Actually, I don't want to know. Wait a
second. Last time you didn't want to

out, and I did, and you steamrolled me.

I get to vote this time. I'm saying, I'm
saying, I'm taking charge. I'm saying,

no, now we're not going to find out. Oh,
well.

All right, then. Okay.

Okay, then let's weigh in. Take your
blood pressure.

That's a penis.

My favorite name for a girl has always
been, always, since I'm 14, has been

Trixie. I love that name.

Trixie's good too, but Trixie's better.
Uncle Phil, it's hard for us to commit

now. Louise is not a bad name. Think
about Louise.

Every little breeze seems to whisper
Louise.

Birds in the trees seem to... Louise.