All language subtitles for Tout.ça.pour.ça.1993.VOF.1080p.Bluray.DDP.2.0.x265-E.T.en-gb

- Would you please tell me your names again,
so I know who's who?

My name's Lino.

- And your surname?
- Lino Marie.

- Lino Marie.
- Grandin, Jacques.

- Jacques...
- Jacques Grandin.

- Henri Poncet.
- Henri Poncet. Right.

Which one lost his wife?

ME.

- All three of them?
- Yes, all three.

- One whose wife disappeared,

one who died. Which one is she?

She's mine.

She's yours.

Is she called Esmeralda?

No.

Esmeralda, she's my wife.

Well, I mean...

Esmeralda, it's your wife.

Is she missing?

- No. I mean...
- She hasn't?

- She left me, but she hasn't disappeared.

- You swallowed the shampoo
because your wife was...

- No. I'm the shampoo. Excuse me, sir.

Are you the hairdresser?

- Yes, I'm a hairdresser.

- You swallowed the shampoo to kill yourself?

- Yes, I swallowed it. I didn't swallow enough.

- You, it's the shampoo...
I'm back from holiday, sorry.

I can't quite place it, and there are three of you.

- Why did you kill yourself?
- I didn't kill myself.

You didn't kill yourself?

- No, I didn't kill myself.
- Which one did?

Both of us.

- Both of you?
- YES.

- You, no?
- No, I didn't.

- Suicide's not bad. It's a good thing.

I mean, it's good... You, um..,
you didn't commit suicide?

- Well, no.
- OK, then. That's too bad.

Your counterfeit money factory - where was it?

- Our factory?

- Didn't you make banknotes?
- No, we didn't.

- I explained it to them, but we didn't make any.

- OK.
- We made fake money out of real money.

That's it.

- "Fakes with real"?
- Yes, we did. That's the one.

In general, it's the opposite.

- That's what we liked about it.
- Everyone got it wrong.

You can't escape

criminal conspiracy.

OK. Your suicide was it because of

your wife, or because you lost at gambling?

It was both.

- They'll say it's because of your wife.

It's better that it's because of your wife.

You would never have killed yourself
just for the game.

- Yes, I would. No.
- You wouldn't. Would you?

It's good that your case is a woman's business.

Three times a woman's business.
That's good. That interests me.

- Are you?
- I'm interested.

- We'll put everything on this.

We'll say that you're desperate because each

of you, all three of you, have been left.

You, definitively, and you, well, brutally.

- What would you advise us to do?

As there are three of you, I'm going

to ask my husband to help me with this.

He's a great lawyer. A very, very great lawyer.

- But you're a good lawyer, aren't you, madam?

Especially for women, yes.

But for us?

- Your case, isn't it a women's case?

- Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is.

You don't have a criminal record?

- Yes, I do.
- Yes, you do.

I have a very small one.

- What do you mean "very small"?

Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?

It's free. It's part of the race.

- I'd love some tea.
- Some tea.

- Your taxi's a real home.
- Yes, it is.

To keep customers coming back, you need the right things.

The bar is high.

- Here's some tea.
- Thank you for your tea.

- Come on, you bastard! Oh, dear!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Do you have a preferred route?
- No, I haven't. I trust you.

- OK, then. Well, I'll do my best.

- I'll do my best. I'll talk to my husband
and I'll call you back.

Bye, dear.

What's up?

- 500 F a day for the little
and me. That's pretty cheap.

The guy sounded like Michel Serrault.

- How long does the cure last?
- 21 days.

21 to 500, that's 10500.

Plus the trip to see them: 13,000.

13,000 is a lot of cuts.

- Asthmatics, they're your family, not mine.

Salomé, I told you

not to play in the living room.
It's bad for your asthma.

♪ -All for this

So much for that

So much for that

All for this

But yes, hey, in the end, coconut All this for this

All for this

♪ -Leading the 16th race
des garçons de café de Paris.

Currently seeing our friend on 13,

Lino du Do Ré Mi.

Lino on the C D E, in 2nd position

in the 16th Paris waiters' race.

- Can I talk to him?
- At your own risk.

- I wrote a cheque to Little Marcel.

- Little Marcel will be happy.

- Did you lose much?
- 50 000.

- At that price, you're on your own with him.

You know I can't...

I can't argue with little Marcel anymore.

- What do you think of Esmeralda?

Esmeralda, your sister?

Of course.

- She's great. I mean..,
she's certainly a good girl.

She really likes you.

- Yes, I know what you mean. I can't afford
to take a girl out.

50 000.

Plus 10,000.

- But are you asking me to whore around, or what?

It's her birthday.

- Ah yes, but me... I've never done that before.

- Deal with little Marcel, then.

Monsieur.

Madame.

Monsieur.

I'll leave it up to you.

- What would you like?

Do you always wear your hair like that?

Why do you ask?

Don't you ever take the clip out?

Yes, I do. That's...

It's getting better and better.

Who's your hairdresser?

I'm your hairdresser.

- We'll have to change hairdressers soon.

Come on, give me the clip.

I'm confiscating it.

Here you are. That was you 3 seconds ago.

Are you going out with a guy who looks like that?

Do you?

She did you a lot of harm.

If I understood correctly what you

told me, you're in charge of a nursery?

Little children?

- Well, I'd like to look after a grown-up.

- This passion for children, have you
always had this passion for children?

- My looks are less frightening
than older children.

- We should put an end to
this stupid fashion for pretty girls.

You know what Guitry said?

"The advantage of pretty women,
is that you get rid of them quickly."

- Are you afraid of pretty women?

- Especially when they're having lunch at the next table.

I didn't see her.

You're lying.

- No, you're not. I thought the perfume was yours.

I never wear perfume.

- We did an experiment in the United States.

We scented a bitch in heat,
and not one dog followed her.

- According to my brother, men
change women easily.

You love your brother.

- At the moment, he's the man of my life.

Compliments of the house.

It wasn't my birthday.

- But it's the anniversary of our first hour.

You have to breathe. You blow it out,
a first anniversary candle.

Even for two.

Let's get going.

One, two, three.

What's on your mind?

Do you want to go to the circus?

- I'm not a baby anymore.
- You'll see when you have kids.

- Why can't you marry your daddy?

- Because nature doesn't like that.

It's better to be the daughter
of your daddy than his wife.

- I want to marry daddy.

- You're going to tell him on the phone,
and he'll be very pleased.

- Since we're not allowed to,
why should he be pleased?

- Salomé, don't you want to talk
about this about this in a few years?

When I've married my dad?

When you've married your daddy.

♪ -This little path That

smells like hazelnuts

This little path That has

neither tail nor head You

see it make three little

turns in the wood Then it

leaves at random

Strolling like a lizard

It's the rendezvous Of

all insects It's been a

long time since we had such a pretty customer.

Thank you for your time.

Do you like it here?

Very much.

- Is your little girl getting better?

It's hard to tell.

- What's wrong with the little casserole?

- Asthma, on her father's side.

- And is the father planning to come here?

Well, that depends.

What's the weather forecast?

- Weather's like love, hard to count on.

- What's your first name?
- Marilyn.

- But there are some nice precedents.
That's beautiful, Marilyn.

And what is the name of the little girl?

Salomé.

- But there too, there are beautiful precedents.

And what does Marilyn do?

Why isn't she sleeping?

Can't you hear the orchestra?

It's impossible to sleep
with that orchestra playing.

Mum?

I don't know how she does it.
You have to come very quickly, dad.

And very, very quickly, Dad.

Do you love Papa as much as the man
you danced with?

Are you going to tell daddy that you've been dancing all night?

I'm warning you,
if you leave daddy, I'll leave you.

- I beg your pardon, my darling.

- It's daddy you have to apologize to.

- The chancellery is still not in agreement
to agree to overtime.

- My compliments.
- Why should I do this?

- You're the youngest judge in France.

- Yes, I am. And a judge in a hurry. In a hurry.

- Well done again.
- Thank you very much.

- Your closing was very good.
- Thank you very much.

But I mean it.

I'm in a hurry too.

- I thought it would never end.
- I'll be with you in a second.

- Where do you want to go?
- That depends on how much time we have.

- I told him I was going to
Berton's. She can't check.

- Did she believe you?
- She did.

- For me, you'll have to find something else,

because dinner with
Berton... In the meantime...

- What did you say to your little lawyer?

- My "little lawyer"? My big lawyer.

- Well, "Dances with Wolves".
- He didn't want to see it with you?

- First of all, I choose films that he's

already seen, then I choose very long films.

Hello? I can't hear you.

I can't hear you, I'm in a tunnel.

Hang on a sec.

- OKAY, HANG ON. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

Yes, my love, I'm out of the tunnel.

Yes, I...

I've told you.

Yes, I'm having dinner with Berton, the public prosecutor.

You know, I...

I don't know. 11pm, midnight. Why midnight?

The boy's back from...

Why didn't he come home from school?

Thank you very much for the rain.

When are you going to talk to her?

- When she can receive this information.

- How many light years is that?
- How many light years are you?

What about me?

- What are you waiting for?
- For me?

Well, I'm waiting for you.

- The truth is, I'm afraid she's going to make
a very big mistake.

- At this stage, we're the ones who
are going to make the big mistake.

Why don't we do it together?

- Can you repeat that? Did I not understand you correctly?

- I was saying that if I, fell in love with you,

your husband, he might well fall in love with her.

Clever.

But your wife would have to to be a little less in

love with you, and my husband, less in love with me.

- Well, I repeat if I fell in love

with you, he could fall in love with her.

I dare you.

Dare, what?

- I dare them to fall in love.

Are you serious?

- Wait, you know this was all your idea.

Hang on, hang on. Me? I didn't say anything.

- You said that if my husband fell in love

with me and your wife fell in love with you,

then my husband and
your wife could fall in love.

So I say go for it. I dare
them to get a little help.

Well, I dare you.

- Does this kind of case end up
in criminal court or at the assizes?

It ends in bed.

In bed, it ends in bed.

Isn't Mont Blanc hard?

- They say he's a better
mountaineer than a lawyer.

There's something of the
Keeper of the Seals in him.

I hope you don't fall in love with him.

- Your belt.
- Stop moving for a second.

So he's a Don Juan?

- Don Juan? A sixty-eight, but he's a Don Juan.

- That said, I'm sure he hates me.

The times I ran into him,
he's done everything to avoid me.

But no, he's mostly shy.

"Shy?"

When he's giving a rapist a life sentence
on the Saône, he's not shy!

- It's your eloquence that annoys
him. And he's not the first to be annoyed.

- You'd have to stammer to seduce him?

- I didn't invite him just for me.
It's also for you.

- During your internship, did he court you?

- At the time, I was already in love with you.

When I'm in love, I'm blind, my love.

- And at this very second, you're seeing again?

- I'd like you to look at me a bit more.

- I'm trying hard.
- That's the dynamic of love.

- Very good, very good. "Dynamic" is perfect.

- Sweetie?
- Yes, honey.

- Have you ever cheated on me?
- Listen, if after

7 years together, we no longer have this

suspense, - what will be left?
- That's a real question.

And a real answer.

- Are they sexually active?

- She has to try desperately
to catch him in the car

to keep the relationship going.

How old is the child?

The same age as them, 5.

- So they're going to go through
a difficult time.

- We're out of it, maybe?

- He's probably getting his dick sucked. He looks like that.

- I don't think he's sexy.

- He has to penetrate homeopathically.

He must work peripherally. Well, I'm not sure.

I don't get the impression that he's into clubs.

He's extremely sexually curious, isn't he?

What's that perfume?

- You know, it's a refuge.
There's no water, no electricity.

It's an adventure.

- What kind of perfume is that?

- I've no idea what it is. There
are a lot a lot of people in the car.

- In the beginning, did you judge divorces?

- Yes, I did. I gave custody of the child to

the one who denigrated the other the least.

One guy who was going through his 7th divorce said to me:

"It's only on the day of divorce
that you really know your wife."

- Well, I want to divorce you.

Well?

- I said I'll divorce you,
on condition that you remarry me.

And do we know who it is?

- I'll tell you, it's quite simple,

people say he's a bombshell.

As there are only heaps, dwarfs,

and you're the most beautiful...

So I'm his mistress?

- I didn't say that. I said: unless he's

a pervert, in my opinion, if she's

beautiful and sublime, it could possibly be you.

- Thank you for your time.
- Isn't that right?

Yes, it is.

- There, that's my lover.
- Look how beautiful that is.

That's my lover.

That's my lover.

That's my lover.

I invited my lover and his wife to climb

Mont Blanc with us. That's all there is to it.

- I don't like your sense of humour.
- I don't like your suspicions.

- If you were the mistress of a guy

like that, you'd bring your lover here,

you'd be very strong.
But you've got to have the shoulders.

You're annoying me, and I'm

thinking I should sleep with him

directly rather than make you come here.

- We'll be there in a minute. We're going to

make him "lawyer welcome", which means friendly...

Try to give me that left-wing lawyer look.

We make them feel welcome. You know what I mean?

- I'm telling you, you haven't understood a thing.

It upsets me that you think
that I'm so perverse.

I've got the impression that you'd be pleased
pleasure if I were.

My love, I love you madly.

Now, welcome.

Welcome!

Isn't this all in sync?

Isn't it synchronous?

- How are you?
- I'm fine.

- I brought you some pasta. I brought you pasta.
- Oh, that's wonderful.

- How are you, sir?
- Hello, master.

- How far is it?
- Three short kilometres.

Say, my wife and I have

never climbed anything before.

Is Mont Blanc dangerous?

- Mont Blanc is a walk,

but there's no room for error.

- How long does it take to climb?

- When the weather's good, it takes

2 days, but if it's bad, it takes forever.

- Francis, we made a little bet, with my wife.

Honestly, of all the women at the Bar,

who do you think is the most beautiful?

Yours, without hesitation.

You see, darling.

You see, you're the most beautiful.

You are the most beautiful.

I'm talking about the Bar and not
the city of Lyon, of course.

As we suspected that you had

nothing, we took everything out.

Normally
there should be something for everyone.

- Excuse me.
- We've got everything.

Thank you for your time.

How are you feeling?

Very happy to have you.

- I smell like mothballs. I'm confused.

We're being eaten by moths here. There are loads of them.

It's very strong. Really strong.

I change my perfume every day.

- Happiness is now or never.

And with pasta like this, happiness is here.

Your pasta is divine.

- They're excellent.
I won't dare make any more.

- Have you always been a mountaineer?

Yes. But it's becoming a necessity.

I can't do a case without going up.

- And Marie told me that you had
the north face of the Pic du Midi,

solo, in the middle of winter?

Yes. Have you got any wine?

- You're being modest. As soon as we talk
his exploits, he changes the subject.

- Let's talk about Alessandra's.
- No, let's not.

- Is it true that you've danced
with Balanchine, Béjart, Petit?

Yes.

- It seems incredible to me. It's a dream, that.

We're having dinner with summits.

- When one summit meets another...

What do they talk about?

- They tell each other stories
of suffering and stage fright.

Do you know what stage fright is?
Have you experienced stage fright?

- How do you know?
- Stage fright.

Worry.

The thing that happens when actors
tell painful stories,

when you can't move.

Do you know what that is?

- I only get stage fright in front of the man I love.

That's very nice.

If we're going to get the shoes at

the Maugrel's, we should go there now.

It's very good, but we'd have to go quickly.

- Are you wearing size 42 shoes?
- Yes, they are.

- We have to go now. See you soon.

- Everyone in Lyon loves your husband.

- I love him more and more too.

- It's like me with my wife. It's been 7 years.

- From time to time, don't
you have little problems?

Why do you ask? Do you?

From time to time, yes.

What kind of problems? Small? Big?

- Italian women are very

jealous, so it's not easy.

What about him?

Is he jealous?

Less and less, unfortunately.

I'm going to suggest something.

What do you say?

- OK.

What if we made him jealous?

- What if?
- If we made him jealous?

But not serious things. What can I say?

I'll take care of everything.

- I love putting things back together.
- No, I couldn't.

I love her too much. It would never work.

- I'll make him jealous, if you like.

I'm going to tell you something - something that

will make you feel better.
- What's that, then?

- You're absolutely not my type.

- All right, then? Go on, then.
- Cheers.

- You're not into me, are you
sure? Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I only do this if I know for
sure that you don't like me.

If you like me, we're off to a bad start.
But I don't think so.

Do you agree?

So let's pretend.
All right, go ahead. No need to worry.

Salute.

Are you worried?

Yes. It's quite good.

And you, how do you like it?

- It won't work. She's too in love with me.

- It's true that she's in love.
It's perfect to excite Fabrice.

Poor old Fabrice.

There's one thing that makes me say she

likes him a bit, is that the pasta was disgusting.

1st time she's missed it.

Can I be indiscreet?

I don't know what you mean. Try me.

- Do you have a lover?
- No, I haven't.

I'm very much in love with my husband.

Why do you say that?

- Because I find you beautiful, sad.

- And to play, because we've been drinking.
- And what about you?

Yes, I have a lover.

And I'm very much in love with my husband.

I don't understand.

- I'm trying to extol to you the merits

of adultery, to explain to you how a

couple can be saved and how I saved mine.

- Where are you trying to take me?

- To Mont Blanc, Alessandra,
for a great adventure.

Come on, then. We're getting up early tomorrow.

It's like this every night.

- How beautiful! Here, take a look.

Please, we're leaving.

- What's the matter with you?
- If you love me, we'll leave.

Very impressive.

- Take a good look. Take a good look.
Look at them.

- They're sublime!

- I can't see. I'm having trouble with my glasses.

- No need to see with your glasses. Soak it in.

It's amazing.

-Get your hands off me. Let go.

- Just look! Soak it in!
- Stop it.

Stop it.

Get into things.

He's the one who's amazing.

- He is?
- Yes, he is.

I think he's genuinely generous.
Did you ever have a problem with him?

-We agreed that I had the right not to answer.

-This is the only question I want to ask you.

-It's because I won't answer
we'll go far together.

Don't you think she's beautiful?

- Shhh. Just be careful.
- I'll be careful.

-If you leave me, I swear I'll think about it.

-Aren't you already thinking about it too much?

-It's amazing how bad his noodles were.

Can you believe it? Being Italian
and making pasta like that.

Amazing.

-If you say too many bad things
about her, I'll think you're thinking it.

-A woman who cooks like that can in no way

be a woman who has mastered physical love.

She's insane.

-Fabrice, you're crazy. Stop, we can hear everything.

Oh, Fabrice, stop.

Fabrice...

Oh yes!

Fabrice!

-Aless.

Aless, it's 3 o'clock, time to go.

Aless.

-I dreamt you strangled me.

-I beg your pardon.

-I could kill you too.

-I love you, Aless.

I love you, Aless. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Hello.

Hello. Did you sleep well?

A bit short.

- I dreamt about you last night.
- About me?

- No, about your wife.
- Already?

- Was it a nightmare?
- I wouldn't have mentioned it.

- When a man and a woman meet,

they're still thinking about it.

Why not dream about it?

- When you were my trainee,
did you dream about it?

- Not for long, but I dreamt about it.

When are we leaving?

- After the photo.
- Why a photo?

- You'll see.
- We'll come back different.

- Shall we sit there?
- Let's go.

- Is Mont Blanc really dangerous?

- Do you know how many people are
injured a year are caused by dog mess?

Over 2,000 in France. Only
10 deaths on Mont Blanc.

Mr President, we're

back on the same case.

- Ah yes, those famous three individuals.

- In my opinion, this is not an easy case.

- I won't do you any favours, Maître.

But I hope not.

Do you mind if I call your
wife your wife 'Alessandra'?

- Please, master. This is your home.

Marie, don't go too fast.

Let them get a head start.

Should we give them the ankle tag?

-Wait a moment. Give them
time to get to know each other.

- Do you believe in dreams, Mr President?

- When it suits me, yes.
- Ah.

Then I wouldn't dare tell you about the

dream I had about your wife last night.

You mustn't forget your

ears, Madame President.

We forget them all the time even
though they're the most important thing.

-We overdo it.

-Jealousy can't stand nuance.

- They're a bit strange.

- I'll tell you, at the moment,
your husband is much

more afraid of of Mont Blanc than of me.

- There you go.
- And he's right.

Ears are important.

I'm going to put some on Mr President.

Did you do the ears right?

- No, I didn't.
- That's the problem.

That's the problem. The
ears, that's where it hits.

-I'll never be able thank you for this show.

-You ain't seen nothing yet.

-I'm glad my wife likes it.

-And she hasn't seen anything yet, your wife.

- You're forgetting her neck.
You have to put some there.

It seems to work well.
- A bit too much.

-Do you regret it already?

-No. At their wedding, I'll
tell them it was my idea.

- To be a cuckold with honours.
- Idiot, I love you more and more.

-I love you so much. I think of you all the time.

I kiss you. I'll call you back very soon.

You're on! I'm coming to get you!

- I fell in love with him in the mountains.

When I'm in the mountains,
it's like a wake-up call.

I start again like on the first day.

What's more, every time
it's difficult, he tries it alone.

Why are you laughing?

- If I were a woman, I'd find him attractive.

- No risk of avalanche, kids.

Dream weather.

By the way, did you phone?

What are you talking about?

- I'm asking if you phoned.

- Why would I phone?
- I don't know why.

As you're leaving with the
phone, I'm asking if you phoned.

- Have a look. It's quite beautiful, isn't it?

Look, darling.

- Yes, it's beautiful.
- Yes, it is.

So, Fabrice, shall we go?

- Fabrice meditates.
The heights make him meditative.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

- Don't you think that the chatter

of men here is pure pettiness?

- From where we are, we can see Mont Blanc.

We're going to sleep at the foot of Mont Blanc.

Everything is white.
Love to you. I'll put Mum on.

There's nothing to worry about.

At over 4,000, it's impossible

to sleep on the first night.

I'm feeling a bit dizzy.

But I'm fine. It's nothing to worry about.

- I'll give you a massage for the headache.

Francis, what are you doing?

- Turn around, my love.

- Maybe you should suck it.
- Feeling better?

- Why don't you give it a try? I can turn around.

- Let's turn around.
- This isn't funny. OK, GUYS?

You're not gonna freak out.

Alessandra, it's not a little joke that...

Oh, that's sweet. You can suck it all the way.

You've got to be kidding me.

- I'm in a state, kids. I want to fuck!

I want to fuck! Either we sleep or we go.

Do you know what swinging is?
It's really quite simple.

- They're not connected.
He's going to have a heart attack.

Of course he will.

No but, Alessandra.

- Listen, touch your wife, you'd be nice.

- She's scary.
- "She's scary."

- But suck it.

That would be so funny.

You're not in Lyon any more,

you're in the mountains, we can relax.

- We can relax?
- Yes, we can.

Just because you'd suck it doesn't mean there'd

be any problem with... There's nothing vulgar about it.

- Chiche, let's go. So you stop.

- Come on, let's go.
- Yes, come on.

Let's get undressed.

- That's it, that's it.
- Watch the lamp.

- Come on, let's go.
- Who do I undress?

- He says nothing. Francis,
you could let yourself go.

First, at the beginning,
she would lick you very, very...

It doesn't have to be an objective

turlute, it could be something affectionate.

It'll get worse.

- But why does it hurt? You have to suck it.

- It's old-fashioned,
really. Cut the crap, really.

They don't want to.

- It hurts but it makes you laugh. Stop it.

- I'd like to be sucked off.

I've got the potatoes at the bottom of the bag.

I need to fuck, it's the only thing that relaxes me.

But why are you...

How do you say in Italian "to swallow smoke"?

- There's nothing vulgar about it.
- Wait till they fall asleep.

- It doesn't turn me on that
you're here kissing your wife.

You shut your mouth, I want to sleep. OK, THEN?

Calm down.

- But I want to be sucked.
- But wait a second.

I'm horny.

Don't try to sleep, it doesn't work.

Touch your man's sex.

- You want me to touch his dick? You're gonna get it.

- Suck it.

- I can't open these things. I
don't understand mountains.

Oh, my God.

Are you crazy?

- Just leave it alone, Francis.

But that's never happened to me.

- You're overdressed.
- What kind of joke is this?

Oh, it's...

- The full moon is not a legend.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

How's your heart?

- It's not going to give us a heart attack.

- Finish it, please.

Can we sleep now?

- Finish it, because it's very bad.

- I do what I want with my husband.

I can't finish it.

- Why can't you? You like
swinging, then go ahead.

- You suck it.
- Can I suck it?

She's crazy.

- High five.
- Good night, kids.

Those who want to, don't make noise.

Listen, it's a sprain.

The strange thing is that it's not swollen.

- Can't you walk?
- No, I can't. I can't anymore.

- Is it serious?
- No, but I'm having it evacuated by helicopter.

- We're not 2 or 3 hours away.
- No, we're not.

- I'd like you to take my wife to the summit.

- I don't want to go without you, my love.

- We didn't do all this for that.
- Especially for a sprain.

- No problem, I've seen it 50 times.
You go with my husband, I'm staying here.

- I'm not going to leave him here.
You leave your husband standing here?

- With you, yes. There's no problem.

- If the weather holds, we'll be there in 3

hours, at the same time as the chopper!

- Don't worry, Alessandra,
I'll take care of him. That's a promise.

- We've done the impossible.
- So what are you saying?

- Between your wife getting angry and

my husband raving, we've come a long way.

How does that make you feel?

- I tell myself that one day we'll be a
couple with no lies. Business as usual.

- I never thought she loved me that much.

- She left with my husband.

- I'm sorry, but if he hadn't sprained his

ankle, I'd have planned to finish him off at

the top of Mont Blanc by telling him about my dream.

- You don't think you finished him off
that night in the tent?

I warned you.

Jealousy can't stand nuance.

Can you see them from here?

- They came up through the south, it's easier.

- That gives us time to take stock.

- I promised your wife I'd look after you.

- So, isn't Mont Blanc sexy?

You know, for me,

the most beautiful things only have value

if I share them with the man I love.

- And me, aren't you starting
to love me a little?

- Didn't we say it was a game?

Well then, let's play.

And what's all this about?

That you're going to against my husband?

- Three individuals whom we are going to defend,

. with my wife,

and we don't know if they're closer
than the Nickel Pieds

or the Bonnot gang.

So much for that

So much for that

He had a heart attack!

- He's had a heart attack!
- Francis had a heart attack.

"A heart attack?"

But how is that possible,
with a sprained ankle?

- Legs. Pull her legs up.

- Did you give him mouth-to-mouth?
- I did everything.

- So, Francis, are you feeling better?
- I'm sorry I spoilt the party.

- It's better to have altitude
sickness... than a heart attack.

Isn't that right, Alessandra?

- So, darling, the Mont Blanc, how was it?

- When we get to Etretat, I'll tell you.

- Would you like to stay for a day or two?

No, thank you, Master.

- They're gone And it's over, ni, ni

- Hey! Would you like a little wine

And some cheese?

- I've rarely seen pure genius

A woman so sure

Sublime

- You do not want cheese?
- I'd like to tell you something.

Seriously,

what is it about ankle that never swells,

. and this crisis that disappears
as quickly as it appeared?

- If I told you that I sucked it

You wouldn't believe me

- I'm speechless - A little bit.

- I'm depressed Hopeless! Hopeless!

He's desperate!

He is desperate!

- He doesn't believe it, he knows it
- Drink to forget

That your wife is a real bitch

But who loves you But who loves you

Like crazy

Of love

Oh yes, my wife made me.

He imitates an Arabic song.

She sucked, maybe

- Listen carefully.
- Yes, I will.

- If you did that thing...
- Horrible thing.

Horrible thing.

- Does that mean you would dare
tell me just to turn me on?

Yes.

Yes.

Does it work or not?

- She told him she got sucked

Maybe to turn him on She told

him Maybe he sucked her He

sucked her maybe to turn him on

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes I'm sure

it's a lie I'll tell you until midnight...

You know twice I've believed your lies,

but if you had sucked him,
if you'd done that despicable

thing, but I'm going to pull out the whole
record of

what I've done, and then you fall to the floor, my darling.

- Aless, come on.
- How long have you been fucking?

- Why would you say that?
- Don't you dare tell me.

She's only having sex with you
her career and that of her husband.

We'll talk about it in Etretat.

- An hour ago I was still in love with you.

And now, right now?

- I wish a truck would run us over.

- It's pathetic.
- Pathetic?

Yeah, pathetic.

Concern for honesty.

Hint of purity.

- Appalling.

- It was out of honesty that I brought him and his wife here.

- Have you ever cheated on me?
- That's beside the point.

- Did you cheat on me?

You saw it was just a game.

I really did suck him off.

Yes.

I don't want to know.

Having done it, it's none of my
business, but to tell me, you're crazy.

Are you a suburban Laclos? Are
you trying to turn me on? Why should I?

Because I don't fuck you any more?

I'm not screwing you anymore because
wear and tear is the essence of marriage.

It's not meant to get hard.

- Do you find it heavy to have sucked him off,
or saying it?

- Or that you enjoyed it?
- Stop it.

Did you like it?

I've been thinking about you.

- If you did that...
I can imagine your head coming down.

You've opened the thing.

Plus, there are several layers.
It's disgusting.

- Of course I didn't suck it.
Who do you think I am?

I'm crazy. I love you.

- Fabrice!
- Get rid of that.

I love you, Fabrice.

- This little ball is just like us.

Just a few centimetres off,
it was a disaster. Don't come any closer.

I don't know how I'm going to get it out.

- Would you rather I kissed you
or if I pushed you?

- It's always the women who decide everything.

I love you, baby.

Somebody help!

Somebody help!

Somebody help!

Somebody help!

Somebody help me!

- It's not him, it's me.
- What are you talking about?

- It's not him, it's me. I
was there when you argued.

A woman speaks Italian.

- If you were still there at the end

of the course, it was forever, if not...

Otherwise?

- If not, it could be me. Will you marry me?

- Who are you, anyway?

- I'm someone who does a lot of divorce work.

- Is that why you're so quick
about marriage so easily?

- That's why. I'm proposing to
you for the 2nd time in 30 seconds.

- Yes, on the main cliff at Etretat.

The main cliff at Etretat.

5 minutes ago?

That's right, 5 minutes ago.

OK, fine.

They're coming, madam.

- Excuse me, I caught myself on an old root.

I beg your pardon.

A judge's widow in the dock,

it was the trial of the autumn.

- Did you really fall in
love with this Esmeralda?

- Ah yes, Mr President, I fell in love.

Even today, I still am. I still love her.

In a moment, I'm going to tell her.

That I love him.

- Didn't you especially like
the room and board?

I understand that she gave you money to play.

- I received a little money, but I lost it all.

M. le président, by living with

her every day, I learned to love her.

And now..

, I really love her, Mr. Chairman.

Really, really, Mr. President.

- Don't believe him. He says that to save his skin.

He plays all the time.

He plays everything. I love you madly.

- No, he's still playing. He's always playing.

- Defendant Grandin, can you explain
to the jury why your wife was tearing

out the advertising pages of the magazines available to your clients?

- She tore out the pages because that

way they only had the essentials to read.

And above all, it was very useful
for me, because...

When I did their hair, they moved less.

They had fewer pages to turn.

And a client who doesn't

move is hard to miss.

Let's get back to your wife.

Your daughter told you on the phone
that her mum was dancing the night away.

No, not at all, Mr President.

I was warned by an anonymous phone call.

The voice was female,
but it wasn't my daughter.

It was a woman's voice,
but it wasn't my daughter.

I would have recognized
her. It was a woman's...

- Is that definitive?
- Final.

- Because of her?
- Because of the clients you get.

- What did you say?

You know what, you're a Thénardier.

- I'm a Thénardier?
- Yes, you are!

- Farewell, Cosette. Get
fucked somewhere else.

- And how, I'll fuck somewhere else!

- I'm the landlord and I'm a bit of a G.O.

I try to make the clientele laugh a little.

And as I'm a bit of a mimic,
I try to make people laugh.

I had to make Marilyn laugh.

You bastard!

- Accused, shut up.
Counsellor, tell him to calm down.

He took my wife! Scumbag!

Bastard!

Bastard! Scumbag!

Counsellor, tell your client to calm down.

- Cocksucker!
- Keep your mouth shut.

- You bastard!
- Get everyone out of here.

- Give me a few days to think.

Just long enough for Salome to finish rehab.

♪ -Do you want me to come? We can talk about it.

You know it's over.

♪ No. No, I didn't know.

How do you expect us to know such things?

Excuse me, ladies.

Could you come back this afternoon?
I have a family problem.

- July 14th is July 14th.

- Why did you go that way?
- You wanted to go via the Champs Elysées.

- You could have taken another route.

- July 14th,
you don't take a taxi, is that clear?

- So what do I do?

- You walk, and above all, you pay.

- Oh yeah?
- Well, yeah.

- I'll walk and I won't pay.

You'll stay in the taxi, then.

- I've got plenty of time.
- So have I.

- You do?
- Yeah, you do.

Right, come on.

I don't want any trouble.
I'll pay for your taxi.

Come on, then. How much do I owe you?

Meter.

- Besides, the gentleman can't read.

I'll have to walk, and
what's more, I have to pay.

Come on, then. Come on now.

Come on now.

- Thank you.
- I thank you too.

Come on, I'm pissed off.
Come on, I'm pissed off.

- Let go of me!

Come on, bring it, bring it, bring it!

Are you coming or what!

Tell me, what are you blaming me for?

- I've got everything!
- Everything!

- Isn't everything enough?
- What, everything?

Hey! Oh!

- What do you want?
- Not 14 July.

- Leave me alone!

- The meter's stopped running for you.

- Aren't you ashamed of
hitting her? I'll break your head!

Aren't you ashamed of hitting a woman?

Come here, you.

- Aren't you ashamed of hitting a woman?

Come here, I'm telling you.

- Aren't you ashamed of hitting a woman?

- What have I done to you?

Did you lose?

Did you play the game?

What picture?

The sleeping woman.

The woman who was sleeping there.

- That's the one.

When a black guy gets his hair

straightened, he has to go back twice a month.

Twice a month. For the hairdresser, what's

a black guy getting his hair straightened?

- It's a lot.
- He's a mine.

Yes, "a mine".

It's a mine, a gold mine.

- Are we going to live our whole lives together?

- If you're a bit more fun, yes.

- I'm crazy about your sister! Do you get it?

- You're going to help me!
- She does what she wants.

- You're going to tell her the truth!
You're going to tell her who the bastard is.

You're the bastard! You're a bastard!

- And who stole the painting to sell it?

You motherfucker! You're a piece of shit!

My sister can't fuck around with shit!

You like to dance, don't you?

- Yeah, I do.
- Yes, I do.

- But I prefer cinema.
- Shall we go in?

- It's closed.

- I know a cinema that's open day and night.

- What's on?
- Come to my taxi.

I don't know this one.

It's my favourite movie.

When can I see him?

Now, if you like.

So it was at this little ball that

you met the defendant Poncet?

- We were there together, but
that's not where we met.

I found out later that we were at the same ball.

I was there for my own reasons,
and he was there for his own reasons.

What were your reasons?

- July 14th is the evening when everything's going well

for everyone else, and things were going badly for me.

When everyone else is doing well, things
even worse for the others.

I don't believe you any more.

- Why would I invent a story like that?

Because I love you. I love you like crazy.

- If you don't come, I'll start again.
- I don't believe you.

I don't believe you anymore.

Wait, hold on.

Hold on, eh.

Sir?

Sorry, sir.

Sir, please.

Could you tell the lady
that I'm at Bichat hospital?

Hello? Hello, madame.

♪ I'm the gentleman next door

which is really at Bichat Hospital.

We really are at Bichat Hospital.

Here we are. I'll play it back for you. Goodbye, madam.

- Good afternoon, madam. I am your
husband's your husband's next-door neighbour.

You must come and see him.

You must come and see him.

You must come and see us.

- Help him, sir.

You must help him. There's nothing more I can do for him.

- Will I earn a lot of money?
- Yes. Fourth.

Fourth, down.

There you go, there you go.

- Look ahead.
- How much money?

- Yes. I mean,
once I've pointed out a few things.

Do you always get your left and right confused?

- Yes. And what's more, I'm colour-blind.

- Oh, dear! I'm going to love you.
I'm going to love you.

Brake, brake.

- Haven't you ever played anything?
- Not a thing.

Not even bowls, darts?

- No, nothing.
- You're a case.

- You take two.
- Why did you split up?

- She only saw my faults.

- A quality is a flaw
that knows how to make itself useful.

So what did you think?

- I should have made an effort
to keep it, to try to change it.

- A fox can change its hair, not his character.

- He's a pain in the arse.
- Me, I...

- It's because I was lying too much.
Then she got fed up.

- What's important isn't the

truth, it's what helps you to live.

- They're all looking for a successful man.

- To be successful, you have to be strong.

- Is he going to comment on every sentence?

And then be right.

- I don't know. He's messing with my head.

I can't tell. It's up to you. You're on.

I'm telling you, it's your turn.

- Two aces.
- Right, right.

I've spent my life going the wrong way.

The path is more important

than the destination.

- Right, right, right. Yes. Did you commit suicide too?

No. No, no.

Pavement accident.

- I don't know what happened. Between
you two, I have a head... It's difficult.

- That's 5, 42. It's yours.
- You can play two more times.

No, not all the dice.

- Do you know the guy who left with your wife?

Do you know him?

- I don't get it.
- You can tell, yes.

- No human being in the world
understands anyone.

That's why love is always a miracle.

- I'm going to La Défense to dump two Japanese men.

I can't take my eyes off your teddy bear.

♪ - "La Défense"?

Attends, attends.

We'll meet at Place de la Concorde
in 10 minutes.

I'll explain.

- Why Concorde? ♪
- I have a question to ask you.

And to answer it, you need something
sumptuous as the Concorde.

And I wanted to ask her to marry me.

She was at La Défense
and we were to meet at the Concorde.

And it was on the way to
to give me her answer that she...

Horn, screeching tyres

So much for that

All for you

You're running late, my love

What the hell are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

- Did she have a driving licence?
- No, she didn't.

That is to say, she had it, but
she'd got it in a strange way.

Paris blocked He imitates de Gaulle.

But Paris liberated.

What are you doing, my love?

- With 13,000 francs, I can go and see them.

I'll pay for my daughter's treatment, I'll get them back and

I'll delegate 80% of my sales
to you. of my turnover to you.

Before, you only had 50%.

- You have exploded your debt ratios.

- She's being held hostage in this hotel.

- A hostage situation involves
the police, not your banker.

- And that's the truth. With 13,000 F,
I'm back in business.

I was a bit desperate,

but now everything's fine.

- You should be happy
that we didn't send the bailiffs.

- 3 000 F. Just enough time to go and get them.

I'll even work on Saturdays and Sundays.

- This is M. Frontin's 25,000 francs.

He was expecting 50.
- I'll explain it to him.

- I'll make him wait.
- I'll be there in a minute.

Good. Mr Gandin...
- Grandin.

- Yes, "Grandin".
I'll see you at the beginning of the school year.

I'll see what I can do.
- You've got to help me today.

- I don't need your help today.

In the autumn, it'll be better. Today, sir.

I didn't have a gun.

- Yes, sir, you did.

..- No, you didn't!

It was with the letter opener on the table.

Mr Chairman, I'm a banker.
I have responsibilities.

I don't allow myself to be threatened
by a letter opener.

- The letter opener, that's true.

I threatened him with the letter opener.

It's true, I admit it. I admit it.

- Goodbye, Mr Grandin.
- Goodbye, Madame.

- 149, boulevard Magenta, Please, sir.

- Since no one wants me here, I'm
leaving to start a new life in Canada.

Then I...

When everything's all right, I'll...

I'll send for you.

I love you, Esmeralda.

I love you, Esmeralda.

We're off.

How'd it go?

- He was understanding.
He lent me 25,000 francs.

To go to Canada?

- No, not for that. To get
the machine running again.

- Do you have your daughter's passport?

No. I'll...

I'll tell her mother that
we're going to Switzerland.

- Can I make a phone call?
- No, you may not. The taxi's waiting.

No, no, no, no. Come on, then.

Gare de Lyon, please.

- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.

What are you thinking about?

What am I thinking?

I'm thinking that in the 4th, this afternoon,

at Longchamp, there's Ascheto at 10 to 1, and

that with these 25,000
balls, we could make 250,000.

And then we'd be off to Canada in style.

I'd play Mona Lisa.

- They'll all be there, on the Mona Lisa.

- With Ascheto, Canada can wait.

- 25,000 francs is enough for us to
to get on a plane and go to Canada.

- And once we're in Canada, what
are you going to do with what's left?

- Excuse me, but your daughter,
where are you going to look for her?

- In Thonon-les-Bains, on Lake Geneva.

- For the price of the train
tickets, I'll give you a lift.

You won't be sitting down on 31 July.

- Your taxi's amazing.

Would you like some tea? Some coffee?

- No, I'm fine.
- No, thank you.

- How long does it take to get to Thonon?

The time it takes to get there.

How long does it take?

The time it takes to get there.

- Listen, sir, you're kind,
but we prefer the train.

- You prefer the train, I prefer the taxi.

Once we've nicked the little girl, he'll take

us to Geneva airport and we're off to Montreal.

- Hi, Antoine. Do you have a
client named Marilyn Grandin?

- What's her name?
- I'm Albert. He's going to replace me.

How do you do?

Marilyn Grandin?

- She's in there.
- The waitress?

- She's helping us.
- Can we talk to her?

- No, go ahead.
- Go on, go ahead.

He's perfect.

- Mrs Grandin?
- Yes, she is.

- What's the matter, Mrs.

Grandin?
- Your husband robbed a bank.

- There must be some mistake.

- He squared his shoulders
his banker and took the cash.

- My husband is incapable of hurting a fly.

- Mum, Dad's on the phone.
What's all this about?

Jacques suing a bank. This is crazy.

You must be mistaken.

What is this bullshit?

Jacques? Where the hell are you?

- In 2 or 3 hours, I'll be in Thonon.

I want to have dinner with the little girl.

- I'll prepare Salomé for you. We'll be waiting for you.

- And then, I promise,
you'll never hear from me again.

Go on, get the fuck out.

Do you really not love me any more?

- Are you sure he lent it to you,
the 25,000 francs?

- Yes, I'm sure.
- Didn't he?

On the radio, they say that you robbed the bank.

Is he dead?

- No, otherwise no one would know
you were going to Thonon.

So what do we do?

- Off to Canada without passing through Thonon.

- The star.
- Very good.

- I'm not going to Canada without my daughter.

- Why would you do that?
- You understand nothing.

- I understand why your wife ran off.

- You pay the fare and I go home.
- You're not coming to Canada anymore?

- His face is going to be
every airport in 5 minutes.

What if I gave her back the money?

- It was only 25,000?
- Yes, it was.

You're not gonna leave us on the road.

- We'll have a coffee in the car
and then we'll...

That's a good idea.

♪ -Des histoires de gendarmes

Everyone on earth doesn't give a

damn, doesn't give a damn About the

little miseries Of his downstairs

neighbour Our little affairs, ours,

ours Our little affairs That's what

comes first - Why didn't you leave
with the 25,000 francs?

- Mr Chairman, I thought that these

days I wouldn't get far with 25,000 francs.

What's more, the idea of Canada appealed to me.

And I wanted to start a new life too.

They were nice people.

I told myself that three was better than one.

- Were you the one who
thought to steal a camper van?

- Yes, Mr President. Jacques
was expected at the hotel.

We had to wait before picking up his daughter.

As if to be discreet, we didn't go to

hotels, the camper van was the safest

way to travel and take a bit of a holiday.

- You did more than just take a holiday.

That's true.

If that's what it's all about,

in the end we pay everyone back.

- There's insurance.
- Who will pay for their holidays?

- And who's going to reimburse your wife?

- They're out there with their kids.

- They'll have stories to tell.

There's enough food in the fridge for 2-3 days.

It's a young age, isn't it?

- Where are we going to go with this now?

- Where are you going with that?

Where do you want to go with that!

On holiday.

There are guys who work 20 years
to drive one of these things. 20 years!

What about my daughter?

- What about her?
- When do I get her back?

When you've got a tan.

You catch him, because I give up.

- If you want to change, there's some stuff.

- That's what needs changing.

Stop pissing him off.

Stop pissing him off.

- I'm in love with you.
- I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

But I love you.

- No, I love you.
- No, you don't. I love you, me.

- No. I do.
- I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you. I love you.

Must be a change from the taxi?

- Not really. Except for the atmosphere.
- The atmosphere?

Ah well, the atmosphere...

"55, rue d'Alesia. Alésia, 55."

"Hôpital Beaujon, twice. Hôpital Beaujon."

"Not free, sir." "No, of course not."

The atmosphere.

- What did you find in the back?
- A camera, 200 F.

- Yeah.
- A golf club, a guitar

and a dozen eggs.

- We're registered.
- Under whose name?

- His.
- Thank you very much.

- And what did she do?

- She got her licence with a pretty smile.

It's all my fault.
I shouldn't have let her drive.

- We've been spotted, guys.
- FLICS?

- Girls.
- Where are they?

Behind, on the left.

- We're not lucky.
- Don't be fooled by appearances.

If it's like that, I give up.

- I saw you with the cop.
- And you, the customer in number 18.

You think I didn't see you? I'm not your maid.

- An evening of doldrums While

chewing on your blues While brooding

You've got to keep hoping Even

without believing It'll end much

better If it's by chance That you

meet a friend That you love each

other without knowing Why he'll come

Why you'll see him A night too white

A morning pallid - Was it good?
- It was very good.

Did you enjoy it?

An evening of tiredness

Here, hello my apple

Here, good evening, tézigue

You saw me I don't know you

I've got a feeling Oh là là

Oh, my friends, I only loved you

Oh, my friends, you were all I had

Oh, my friends, it was only us

Oh, my friends, and we were crazy

I try to love

All that is contrary to me

It's hidden by love

That I try to subtract From the count of my days

The sweat, the shiver

From sleep, from my dream

Of its madness

And while we're at it

We can stay here like this, the two of us, as friends

Without giving any other meaning to life

- Why take so many risks for a simple lunch?

- Because, Mr President,
we didn't have any lunch left.

- You had already spent your 25,000 francs?

Yes, Mr Chairman.

Let's say that we had
already spent it, but at the casino.

- It's because of that big loss at the casino

- that everything that followed followed?
- Yes, Mr President.

- My wife left me.
- The headwaiter.

I remind you that we only have 200 balls.

Have you decided?

- I'll have a salad and a coffee.

- A salad and a coffee.
- Same for me, but without the coffee.

That's fine. That's fine. And for you?

- Foie gras.
- One foie gras.

- And the house speciality, grilled lobster.

- Lobster, 200 grams? 500 grams?

- 500.
- "500".

What about the wine?

- I have every confidence in you.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.

Do you have a credit card?

- At the end of the meal,
I'll set fire to the toilet.

- Maître d', please.
- Sir.

I take it as sir.

- The same for me, with a soufflé Richelieu.

- Very good, Monsieur.
- Your appetite has returned.

Got any other ideas?

- I've seen quite a few films.
- Which one is this?

- An Italian comedy from
the '60s. Black and white.

- How old are you?
- Fuck you.

Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

- According to the manager of the establishment, you

even took the opportunity to
take away the day's takings.

Yes, Mr President.

- Poncet, a priori, you're the ringleader.

You seem to be the leader,

the agitator of the trio.

It was you who suggested
the idea of counterfeit money.

- Telephone for you, Captain. Fraud Squad.

Captain Lefaure.

- Hello, Captain. Paris Fraud Squad.

♪ -Oui.

- You are about to receive
a visit from three of our guards.

If you could give them a warm welcome.

- Of course. Of course. So, what's going on?

- Everything suggests that there's a

gang of counterfeiters in your area.

- Hello?
- What do you want me to do?

- Receive them, they'll explain.

- When will they arrive?

- It's a wonder they're not here already.

- I'm in my office. I'm waiting for them.

- Didn't you ask for their police card?

- I didn't because I've been swindled.

- Swindled by a very well - which

speculated about a genuine case of

counterfeit money in the region.

They must have heard it on the radio, as I had.

So I didn't ask them for their papers.

- You've just been warned?
- Yes, I have.

Those are the guys from Paris.

- We have to visit places
where cash circulates.

- This brasserie is the heart of the country.

- Hi, Maurice.
- How are you?

- The gentlemen I told you about.

- Hello, gentlemen.
- Good morning, sir.

- These are today's 500 banknotes.

May I have a look?

Thank you, sir.

He's good.

OK, then.

- What's all this about?
- They will explain.

- It's fake.
- They went that way.

Here you go.

It's fake.

- Do you want to see it?
- Yes, I do.

It's fake.

Look, the finger.

Is it there? That's right.

That's right.

Wrong.

- What are you going to do with all that?
- It's fine.

We'll give you a receipt.

You'll be reimbursed by the Bank of France.

- And where's this week's takings?

At the bank.

We'll go there.

- We'll call them.
- Tell them we're on our way.

- You've looked at it wrong.
There's a fake in the real one.

So check everything.

There's a fake in the real one.

Yes, there is. Take a look.

It's fake.

- The gentlemen from Paris are here
for counterfeit money.

They would like the 500 banknotes
from the last 24 hours.

- You've been unlucky.
- No, I wasn't.

- Did you find any others?
- Yes, I have.

Let me see.

A real one.

You can have it.

This is for my daughter.

The 3 denim suits, the

Reeboks, the child's jacket: 4500.

- The caps are on me.
- That's very kind of you. Thank you, madam.

- Do you only have 500 franc notes?

- Why should I?
- There's been some counterfeiting.

We're a little suspicious.

- Take your pick.
- I trust you.

- We guarantee these.
- No, we don't. You're nice.

The caps...

- How many times have you done this?

Three times, Mr President.

- I have four complaints here.
- Yes, you do.

You must be confused with the history of golf.

- The golf story, that's right.
I forgot about the golf hotel.

- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Mr. Zuckmeyer, the manager.

Good afternoon, sir.

I've been watching you.

Four inches, left.

- What are you doing here?

Just a second. Four inches.

Did you receive the circular
from the regional council?

- No, it's not. What circular?
- That's a shame.

- You're not aware of the

plans for the TGV in your region?

- Plus four inches.
- No, I haven't.

What project? What's all this about?

Nine plus.

Look, sir, there are two options: either

the high-speed train passes right here, in

front of your hotel, or it goes a full 15 km.

- Right on eight, you rectify.

- You want to run the TGV here?

- We don't want to run the TGV

here, but a project has been

studied, and the TGV here is not insignificant.

- You know, between a TGV and a golf
course, the regional council will choose.

- I'll check.
- Yes, check.

- 1.78 in height.
- I'm not surprised.

- "1.78 to the height."
- Good-looking man.

- From now on, it's up to us.

- Can't we work something out?
- I don't think so, sir.

- Is there no way of discussing it?
- There might be.

- What's he saying?
- He's asking if we can talk.

We can talk.

- To begin with, please
pleasure of having lunch with me.

- Gladly, but on the run. We're in a hurry.

- Shall we have lunch by the pool?
- Yes, by the pool.

It's a nice hotel.

- It would be a shame to put a TGV through it.

- They asked for three suites
and they drank the best wine.

Bottles costing 3,000,

4,000 francs, from 1959, 1962...

All right. After a while, I said to

myself: "That's strange, that these"

people end up staying in the hotel.

I started to have doubts,
but for three days, I did

everything I could to make
sure the TGV on my golf course.

♪ -We've all said that to

each other On a dull

evening Chewing on the

blues Brooding on the dark

You've got to keep hoping

Even if you don't believe

in it It'll all work out in

the end Even if it's by

chance That you meet a

friend That you love each

other but don't know Why

he's coming Why you're

going to see him One night

too sleepless One morning

too pale It'll all work out One tired night Here's to you, my apple

Well, hello, tézigue

You saw me, I don't know you

I've got a feeling Oh là là

Oh, my friends, I only loved you

Oh, my friends, you were all I had

Oh, my friends, it was only us

Oh, my friends, and we were crazy

- There they are. What language do we speak?

Let's just mix it up.

- No, no slower. Shorten your stride.

Relax your left arm. Watch the bend.

Stay on the rope.

Watch out for the 46, 47 passage.

Careful, only 2 kilometres
to the summit. Keep going.

Hup, hup, guys!

Hello. Where are you off to?

- We're going... up there.
- Up there?

We've got visitors.

Hello.

- Please come in.

Bag?

Fuck, I can't believe this!

I can't believe it! I can't believe it!

- And Jacques?
- He's going to jerk off, as usual.

She speaks Swedish.

. where?

Sweden.

- Sweden.
- And "you"?

- Sao Paulo.
- What does it say?

Brazil, Sao Paulo.

- Where in Brazil?
- Us, Paris.

- Ah, Paris! Very nice, Paris.

You're very pretty too.

"Very pretty?"

You, gorgeous.

Ah, photo!

- No, hot. You've got a nice arse.

- What's up? I don't get it.

Us, holiday.

- You, two. But us, three.

- No problem.
- No problem?

OK.

- I don't think they get it.

Please, please.

You, two. And us, three.

- No problem.
- They understood.

- But...
- What, "but"?

You have the...

- little hat?
- What "hat"?

- Chapeau.
- The "little" hat.

- These little hats, did you who

went looking for them in the mountains?

- Yes. We drew straws and I lost.

Anybody home?

Is someone there?

- Yes, there is. I'm coming over.

Yes?

- Hello.
- Hello. I'm looking for the lorry driver.

- I'm looking for the lorry driver.

- What do I look like, a daisy?

I have a question

that might upset you.

Why would I be angry?

- Because if someone asked
me that, I might get angry.

- Are you horny?
- No, I'm not horny.

I'm listening.

- So you gave them some

soporific chewing gum and robbed

them, like the other motorists in August?

- Yes, Mr President, but we won't do it again.

I promise, Mr. Chairman.

I've got them!

Oh, I've got them!

I've got them!

I've got it! I've got it!

- In other words, she raped on the road once.

We decided to take revenge on the men
who pick up hitchhikers.

- We got into the game,
and it became like our job.

We spotted these three young men in a café.

- We saw that they had 500 franc notes,

so we decided to wait for them on the road.

♪ -When we knew

The same drunkenness

And we no longer love each other

There is tenderness

You see, Marilyn

Don't forget everything

I still think

I'm still thinking

I'm still thinking

Of you

of you

To You

To You

- He won't be coming back. He knows he's expected.

- Are you talking about dad?

- Next week is his retirement?

- Yes, it is. I'm going to write
"Memoirs of an Unknown Cop".

- 40 years without a serious case.
- That deserves a book.

- I didn't arrest a murderer.
- And the police kept you?

- Only at the movies do they arrest them.

- When Papa arrives,
I'll tell him there are cops.

- Did you arrest the defendants?

- Yes, Mr. President. I did that.

It was about time.

- What do you mean by that?

- It was time, because for 40 years, I

hadn't had the opportunity to arrest someone.

And since the opportunity presents

itself today, I'd like to thank everyone,

especially the defendants.
Thank you, gentlemen.

Thanks to you, I'm going to
have a wonderful retirement.

Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
Thank you, defendants.

You may retire.

- I don't want to upset my colleague, but I'm

the one who recognized them as soon as they

arrived at the hotel, thanks to the taxi driver.

Hello?

Good afternoon, sir. This is
your pharmacist from Thonon.

Hello.

I've just served two customers.

They are two inspectors
from Gault et Millau who

are coming to have lunch
with you. There you are.

Just businessmen...

No, not at all. In jeans, like holidaymakers.

You're welcome. Goodbye, then.

- That's it, Jacques is in
place. Did he believe you?

He seemed to believe me.

- Shit!
- Well, shit.

Three perch.

They were caught this
morning. They're all fresh.

And what would you like to drink?

- Morning, madam.
- Yes, ma'am?

We'd like a table.

- Have you made a reservation?
- Ah no, alas.

That's going to be difficult, then.

- We can wait.
- It's going to be a long wait.

Yes. We'll be waiting a long time.

- If you'd like an aperitif...
- I'd love one.

- OK, then. A plaster and...
- A Perrier.

"A Perrier and a plaster."

- Who are those guys?
- Customers.

- What did you say?
- To wait.

Unfortunate.

- Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Welcome to the Hôtel de la Plage.

A table has just become available.

Follow me, it's this way.

Allow me to offer you my tasting menu.

It's got everything.
I recommend it especially in the sun.

It improves your tan.

Two tasting menus, then.

- And for Monsieur?

- He said "two".

- Of course he did.

May I take the liberty offer you a glass of champagne?
- Please do.

- Marilyn, special vintage for these gentlemen. And once again, welcome to the Hôtel de la Plage.
- Big nose. - What's that?

A big truffle.

- What's Jacques telling me?

It's the little one,
between the two guys, on the bench.

I smell chicken.

- That's not stupid. It's not going to be easy.

Here she is now.

- Sorry about earlier.

- Can I ask you something?

Yes, of course.

- My assistant and I are in the area

- I'm making an advertising film -

and we're looking for little girls

aged between 7 and 10. Could you help us?

- Yes, as a matter of fact.
- Why would you do that?

- My little girl is 9, it's incredible.

Oh yes, that's great.

Can we see her?

Yes. OK.

- Salomé, come quickly, darling.
- You're in luck.

- Has she ever been in a film before?
- No, she hasn't.

- That's OK. Is she pretty?
- You'll see.

Oh yes, she's pretty.

- She's delicious, just like her mum.

Thank you, Salomé.

- Hello, Salomé.
- Hello, Salomé.

- Hello, Salomé.
- Hello, Salomé.

- Can she have an ice cream with us?

- That way we can explain it to her.
- Of course she can.

It's a stroke of luck.

Here you are.

- I entrust her to you.
- All right, darling.

Behave yourself.

- Nice hat. Is it yours?
- No, it belongs to those two cops over there.

- So your name's Salomé?

Do you want to make films?

She's shy.

Who are these gentlemen?

- Two inspectors from Gault et Millau.

They're trying to pass themselves off
as two film-makers.

- Don't you want to go and phone
Gault et Millau to check?

"Phone?"

- Yes, telephone with a telephone.
- Of course. I'll be off.

♪ -All for this

So much for that

So much for that

All for this

Finally, darling, it's all for this.

Bon appétit, gentlemen.

I hear you're going to the movies.

Cinema, my ass! The Gault et Millau is mine.

The Gault et Millau is mine!

- Is your ice cream any good?
- Yeah, it's good.

- Would you like to make films?
- Maybe I would.

- Salomé, listen to me carefully.

- Do you see that camper van over there?
- Yes, I can see it.

- Inside, there's a gentleman
who's doing tests for the cinema.

You go and see him and do what he asks.

I'll do that.

- That way we'll know if you can make films.

We're going to surprise your mum. Go on, do it.

Go on, do it. Do it now. Come on, be a good girl.

- When do we join them?
- When?

- When do we meet them?
- Let them hug it out.

- What's he doing?
- She's coming over.

- Did she open the door?
- No, she didn't.

She knocked.

Go on, open it.

- There you go.
- Yeah.

That's it, she's in.

- Dad, what are you doing here?

- We're going to surprise Mum.

- You're not getting into trouble, are you?

So much for that.

- What do we do, Henri?
- This is it.

It worked too well.

- You follow me nicely. No bullshit.

No bullshit.

- Fuck off, Jacques!

- Go away!

Salome!

Salome!

Jacques!

Get out of here, Jacques.

Please, get out of here.

- Don't do anything stupid, Jacques!
Don't do anything stupid!

- Give it to them! Give it to them, Jacques!

Give it to them!

- He's a lunatic! Lower your weapons!

Stand down!

Jacques.

Lower your weapons!

- Jacques, give me Salomé.

I am here.

James, I'm here.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

Give it to me, Jacques.

Give it to me.

Jacques.

James.

- What are we risking?

We need to find a good lawyer.

- You'll see what
a court-appointed one looks like.

But why did we pick you?

- Look, I... Because I came
back from holiday a day early.

So who lost everything in the game?

I lost it all.

- Does that mean if I don't show

up this afternoon, it's never again?

Look, I hope so.

- I can't believe that you have
a desire so urgent, so necessary...

- Between 1pm and 6pm,
I've got all the alibis in the world.

All right, then. I admit I'm terrified.

My brother says:
"You shouldn't promise women anything."

I've got the impression
you shouldn't make promises to women.

- I don't think you've understood me properly.

What I want is to see your eyes.

But I want to see your tits.

I want to eat your breasts.

Can I ask you a question?

- Yes, go ahead.

- If you really fell in love with me
what would we do with our friends?

- I think we need to define that right now.

I'm madly in love with my wife.

I'll ask you again.

If you become more in love with me than

you are in love with your wife, what do we do?

We're screwed.

Good morning, madam.

- Good morning, ma'am.
- Good morning, ma'am.

- I hope it fits.

- The same for all three?
- All three.

We're making the most of our
friendship. The more childish, the better.

Children are forgiven everything. Try them out.

I have two pieces of information. The bad news,

is that the prosecutor is experiencing a
tragedy which may harden his judgement.

That's not good for us.

The good thing is that the judge is also going through a

tragedy, but one that can, unlike the prosecutor, be useful to us.

The prosecutor, be useful to us.
You're touching.

You're moving.

It would be nice if you

could cry, really cry.

If you can bring tears
and move them, we can hope for anything.

- How do you cry?
- I've brought you some menthol.

Actors use it to cry.

You put it in your hand and bring it to your eyes.

It can help you cry. I'll come back to the

judge, it's important. I know the judge well.

He's paranoid and touchy.

The more you show humility,
the more you flatter his authority.

Don't be afraid to apologize

all the time. That's good.

The more you're beaten, the more likely we are to win.

You have to be victims,
never guilty. You are not guilty.

That's important.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I call my wife to the stand.

Alessandra, please take the stand.

I think it's time, Madam Chairwoman,

to stop taking me for a fool.

Did you have an adulterous relationship
with Fabrice Lenormand here present?

I repeat.

Did you have an adulterous relationship with
Fabrice Lenormand here?

- Is this relevant to the trial?

- This is also our trial, the trial of
those who tried to love each other.

Did you have sex or not?

- 500 says she did.
- 1,000 says she didn't.

Am I or am I not?

- We're deceived by each other's fantasies.

What's that supposed to mean?

- We are cuckolded by the fantasies of the other!

- We won't leave this room without an answer.

- That's absolutely false, Mr Chairman!

Absolutely nothing has happened yet!

You two should be the defendants.

- Mr. Chairman, I love these two women.

I wanted to live with them,

to have children with them.

- This man is right, Mr. President.

Monogamy is a romantic concept

that obscures the reality of

human needs, both male and female.

I would even go so far as to say that monogamy is an

expression of pride that plunges couples into misunderstanding.

- Would you like to be more specific?

- Allow me to be the last last piece of evidence in

this trial and show you what my husband is is losing.

- Mr Defendant, why did you refuse
the advances of the Barruk woman?

- I hate dancers. I hate ex-dancers.

This woman is a former dancer!

- How long did you work with dance for how long?

- YOU COLLABORATED HOW LONG WITH DANCE?

10 years, Mr. President.

Bitch.

Stronzo.

Big whore.

Figlio di putana!

- Strip.
- Strip.

- Strip.
- Strip off!

Look at these sinister characters.

They pretended to swindle France on holiday.

Well, let's show them that France, even on holiday,

remains vigilant and knows how to protect itself.

- So you've decided to start dancing again?

- And I've asked Marie
to take care of our divorce.

And she agreed?

Why do you think?

- Because there's nothing going on between you and Fabrice?

Are we cuckolded by each other's fantasies?

Should I be in the dock?

- Precisely. What are your
defendants risking tonight?

- That depends on how your Fabrice pleads.

- I hope you won't confuse everything.

- Can you swear there's nothing
going on between you and Fabrice?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- How much would you have given
me for pushing you into the void?

Since I've already acquitted you...

- Are you sure you've acquitted me?

Two aces, we're acquitted.

OK, then. Well, shit.

Yes, shit.

- I'm going to quote now,
Mr Chairman, Patricia Carli.

Patricia Carli, who defines
an individual who's about to

get married and a woman who tells him how much she hates him.

This song has been very well
known, it has lulled our ears.

It was called "Stop, stop, don't touch me".

Tomorrow you're getting married

She's got money, she's pretty

She has all the qualities

Listen carefully.

My only fault is loving you

I know, I know, you still love me

For you, pride is the strongest thing

Listen carefully.

This Patricia Carli

. with all her humility,

. all the narcissistic wounds,

. opening the door to a man who loved her,

because she redefines it in the song by saying:

"With her, you'll have comfort".

"With me, you played with my body".

"Tomorrow you're getting married"

"She's got money, she's pretty
She's got all the qualities".

"My only fault is that I love you".

"I know, I know You still love me".

Listen carefully.

This woman comes as an act of love.

This man dares to propose to her before getting married.

- A little parallel thing
- I don't even dare say what -

and she replies:

"I know, I know, you still love me."

He would like to slip her something lukewarm.

Forgive me, ladies and gentlemen.

And when Johnny Halliday
screams "I love you..."

"When it's your body that says no".

Why does the body say no?
Because it knows it deep down inside,

that it's tired of screaming under its cries:

"I'm tired of fighting your screams".

"Too bad for me".

Even Johnny Halliday
doesn't want to share a bestial act.

He wants to love, Mr. President,

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury,
and you, Mr Advocate General.

♪ -I have known you, Alessandra

Crazy caresses

Very sweet moments

Full of tenderness

I have known you

Your disturbing body

Your little wolf eyes

And your pretty teeth

I have known you, Marie-Sophie

All the ecstasies

All the appointments

And all the phrases

You see, Marilyn

Let's not forget everything

I still think of you

I remember the Esmeralda restaurant

Where we met one day

Esmeralda

And I remember those magical nights
My little Jacques

Where our two hearts beat

Beat full of hope

When we knew

The same raptures And we no longer love each other

My little taxi

There is tenderness

You see, Henri

Don't forget everything

And I'm still thinking of you

Marie, my love

I have known you

Burnt soup

Overcooked stews

Burnt noodles

For a yes, a no

You jumped off the balcony Alessandra

Tranquil, I left you

Falling from the ground floor

I'm a Scorpio, brother.
That's what it's all about

You spend your life running
Why shouldn't we run?

For a confession, for a whisper

Another man, another adventure

Happiness is better than life

I remember the Esmeralda kitchen

Where Alessandra was kindly next door

Pepper and mothballs Marie-Sophie

Sugar and mustard

Milk and chicory

When you know

The same inebriations Esmeralda

And we no longer love each other

There is tenderness Marilyn

You see Petit Jacques

Don't forget everything

I still think

I'm still thinking

I'm still thinking of you

Lino, Henri

Petit Jacques

Life is a court of love

A one-way crusade

A night flight into the light

A burst, a laugh from the fire

A flash, a moment of candlelight

A storm in the heart

A lightning so sweet

That it makes the canopies of heaven blush

And then one day, time interferes

And without leaving, without coming back

Turns hope into memory

And life is all to be remade

Like four old musketeers

Ready for another war

A love duel that never ends

A party every night

A happy new year for a lifetime

All for this

All for whom

All for what?

For next to nothing

All for nothing.

Like this, for you.

For you and the beauty of the world

All for one man, one woman

All for a child's laughter

All for Claude Lelouch

All for Claude All for that

All for this, my love