Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull @ subs4free.info

Sing goddess, Achilles' rage.

Black and murderous,

that cost the Greeks incalculable pain.

Pitched, countless souls of heroes into Hades' dark,

left their bodies to rot

as corpses for dogs and birds.

Did you learn that last night?

There's not a lot here is there really?

when you think about it?

No, it's not, no other film.

It is all sandy beaches, isn't it?

Greeks were camped here, for 10 years.

- Too long, is it? - Too long through as a camp.

I can do a week, tops.

In the Lake District.

Yeah, with a pillow.

I won't camp without a pillow.

I had a bad dream last night.

Was it a portent?

I don't know, it was bad.

I had a poor tent once and no groundsheet.

Stick your head out more.

Find your light.

That's it, do an a-ha.

A-ha!

Got it.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Here's to an enjoyable excursion.

Yeah.

Bellissimo.

Mm-hmm.

It's very odd, isn't it?

To start,

a trip to Greece in Turkey?

It's The Observer's idea

to retrace the steps of Odysseus, in the "Odyssey".

So, that's what we're doing.

10-year odyssey in six days, I mean,

it's ambitious Steve.

It might sound ambitious but if you think of

"Ulysses" by James Joyce.

Thanks for telling me the author, I'd never have known.

I'm just putting the information out there

in case you don't.

I don't want, you know.

That's like me saying, "Harry Potter" by J.K. Rowling.

I wouldn't put "Harry Potter" and "Ulysses"

in the same camp, apart from they're both books.

"Harry Potter" has sold truckloads of books.

Yeah, but the thing is, I don't measure success

by units sold.

- I measure success... - You're always telling me

the figures for your TV shows.

Yes, but it's not, it's just...

And the consolidated ones at that.

- Yes. - 'cause the actual time

of viewing aren't impressive,

but you do tell me the consolidated figures.

It's nice to be liked, but you shouldn't go out

there trying to be liked.

If you think that we have been doing these,

trips for nearly 10 years,

then, I suppose in a macro sense,

we've been on this odyssey for 10 years, yeah?

Is it 10 years?

Yeah, it is.

Since the Lakes.

Richard Gere there.

Just looking off.

Yeah, lovely.

Yeah and you're looking more like him as well.

That's good.

No, I wasn't being serious, I was joking.

- Oh. - You look nothing like him.

My god, you lap that compliment up, didn't you?

Look at that.

Well, it's not unreasonable.

I'm not, I mean, I'm wearing my years reasonably well.

Yeah, but in no way do you resemble Richard Gere.

Okay, I don't resemble...

You look like a great Steve Coogan

'cause you're looking...

and I'm happy with that.

- You watched... - You look like Richard Gere.

I look better as I get older.

- Lots of woman say that. - Yes, you do.

Well, even man is gonna say.

That's all I'm saying, you look better older.

Oh, thank you.

You were unpalatable as a young man.

What's this?

If I'm not mistaken, it's a Penguin Classic.

And it's by Aristotle.

I know Ari, yeah.

I know all the Stotles.

"Poetics", listen to this,

"epic poetry and the composition of tragedy

as well as comedy,

and the arts of poetry and music are all imitations.

Imitation comes naturally to human beings.

And so does the universal pleasure in imitation."

Not my words, the words of Aristotle.

So much of art and acting is imitation.

But no, you did a fantastic imitation,

of Stan Laurel

and Stan and Ollie, it was superb.

I'm not sure it's an imitation, that's the thing.

I watched it on a BAFTA screener.

I only paused it three times to go to the kitchen.

And that in our house, that's good.

Okay, well, yeah, but...

- You had this. - Yeah.

Had the pose.

- You know the pose? - hmm.

- You did that beautifully. - I certainly did.

Now, why don't you just stop sitting there and help me.

Well, I'd try but I don't know what you want me to do.

Stan Laurel and Tom Hardy.

Why don't you just stand up and help me

instead of sitting there.

I can't hear what you're saying, Tom.

You're always mumbling your lines.

Hmm.

Here you go.

Thank you very much, lovely, really nice.

We're being, bitten.

This doesn't help that we're under a tree.

Insects love to be under trees.

- Do you know why? - I went out

- on my land recently. - Yeah.

- That's to sit under a tree. - 36 acres, isn't it?

38 and I went to sit under a tree just to...

To think.

- Well, no, no. - Just to think.

No, no, to read the book, actually.

I put a blanket down just cause this tree.

And I sat under it and then I start to read.

Then loads of flies started hovering over my head.

That would happen, yeah.

So, I just got up and just went back in the house.

I had this idea that...

Steve Coogan, ladies and gentlemen wonderful stories from

Steve and maybe more from him.

At the same time next week.

You must do that one about the flies under the tree.

I mean, it's wonderful stuff.

Freddie said he saw you at Lord's Taverners doing that

and "had the room in the palm of his hand."

That's what he said.

Wonderful story.

The new Ustinov,

Steve Coogan.

Hear that story Steve's telling.

No, what is it?

Oh, is at the house.

You know the house in Sussex, yeah?

Well, he took a book out.

No go on.

He wanted to read, but he went out, took 38 acres.

Yes, he finds a tree,

puts a blanket down.

Oh, it's idyllic.

And flies gather above his head.

He went back in the house.

I mean, he's oh, god.

God, and some people say he's just Alan Partridge.

He's not.

There's all other sides to him.

Sir, sir, your main courses.

Oh lovely, they're nice.

Thank you.

Lamb chops.

Chops, chop chop.

It mint sauce.

Looks lovely.

Enjoy monsieur.

That's lovely, thank you very much.

You like lamb, don't you?

I do, I love lamb.

Lamb is very good because it doesn't lend itself

to intensive farming.

So, if you can't make an organic choice.

Lambs are safe bet.

My publisher wants me to use the Odyssey as a peg,

on which to hang my Odyssey through life of the media.

Isn't that what you wrote when you were in Spain?

A version of that, yeah.

But it was successful.

So, they want to sort of a variation on the theme.

I do think you get older, it's inevitable.

Don't repeat yourself.

This is the fourth time we've been on one of these

little jaunt.

Originality is overrated,

because everything's derivative of something.

The greatest poem of the Roman Empire was a ripoff

of the Odyssey.

Which one?

- The Aeneid. - Huh.

Whereas the Odyssey is about Odysseus fleeing

Troy to go home.

The Aeneid is about a Trojan fleeing the city

with his father and his son.

- Escape... - What happened to his wife?

Just lost her along the way.

Shit happens.

- But on the plus side, - yeah.

He went on to found Rome, so lose a wife found an empire.

This is like a kind of an interrogation.

Sitting like this.

Your dessert, sir.

Thank you.

it's black sauce.

Thank you very much.

Could we have the bill please?

- Okay, thank you. - Thank you very much.

If it wasn't interrogation, this would be very,

this would be the nice part before the nasty, wouldn't it?

Let's have some dessert.

We wanna make this as pleasant as possible.

So...

Oh, great, yeah, what do you want to know?

Lovely combination of textures.

This is not...

This is not too light.

- But it's light. - Hello.

Hi, Steve, hi.

Just calling to check if everything's okay.

Everything is wonderful.

- I'm here with Rob Brydon. - Hello.

But apart from that, everything's wonderful.

Hi, Rob, how are you doing?

All is well.

He's not gone missing, I'm keeping an eye on him.

What do you mean?

What is she talking about?

Morocco, she was very worried when you went off the grid.

Yeah.

She even had to call the authorities, all the newspapers,

"British Comic Goes Missing."

The British actor.

British actor, writer and producer goes missing.

British actor goes missing.

Friends say, "We had no idea the mental turmoil

he was under."

We spoke to his close friend, Rob Brydon.

Well, I must say,

Rob, his associate.

I spoke to his dear confidant, Rob Brydon,

He's sometime,

- collaborator. - We spoke to popular

entertainer, Rob Brydon...

light entertainer.

We spoke to popular light entertainer and confidant

of troubled, star Rob Brydon...

Troubled TV funny man.

Says, I have no idea Steve was suffering

the way he was.

We didn't know he was suffering but then we realised

he'd spent six days with Rob Brydon and things start to fall

into place then.

We think, this might be a cry for help.

Sorry, I've got to go.

I just wanted to let you know that

your boat is gonna be leaving Assos at 2:30

so if you're going to Assos is where the boat is, okay?

And your Ranger Rover

We get our asses in the boat, when?

Wonderful, looking forward to it.

Bye, all right, see you.

Did you understand any of that?

Yeah, Range Rover waiting for us at Lesbos.

This is what UNESCO says about Assos;

"In antiquity, it's hilltop location made Assos

an easily defensible port city.

The oldest direct temple of Asia Minor;

the Temple of Athena at Assos,

is located on the top of the acropolis."

That's Lesbos, the border between Asia and Europe.

It's close, isn't it?

Yeah.

I can swim there.

You could not.

Something like Byron swimming the Hellespont

from Asia to Europe in Istanbul.

That's why all the refugees come this way,

because it's so easy.

They don't swim it, they do it in boats.

Yeah very little boats.

Byron said, of all the things that he's achieved

swimming the Hellespont was the thing

that made him the most proud.

Fair enough.

What would you say,

was the thing you're most proud of?

My seven BAFTAs.

For me, it'd be my children.

Yeah, 'cause I haven't got any BAFTAs.

But, you have got children?

Which is, interesting.

Williams, as some of the men are not happy,

there are rumblings.

Oh there are rumblings, are there?

You tell the men that we were sailing around

the Cape of Good Hope.

and we'll sail round the horn.

I think if the weather was this nice,

they would have been a lot more relaxed.

They're loving it, Bill.

They really are.

Well, thank you very much, Fletcher.

You don't mind if I call you Fletcher, do you?

Call me Fletcher if you like.

Thank you very much, I'll call you Fletch.

Can I call you Bill?

Yeah of course you can

Not Fletch?

He said a-ha.

What's that?

A-ha!

A-ha!

You've had a huge drive then.

Yeah, it's a monster really.

So, you're flying back now.

- Yeah. - Is this Steve?

Here are the keys.

Oh my God.

Thank you.

Yeah, enjoy.

Full tank?

Tank is full and it's hybrid.

So, you've got the...

Steve?

That's enough.

That's all, thanks.

All right, good.

Safe flight, cheers, bye-bye.

Steve, how are you?

This is Kareem.

Do you remember me?

We worked together in Mykonos.

I played the refugees in the beach.

Okay.

Do you remember me?

- Refugee? - Yes.

- How are you. - I am Kareem, how are you?

Hi, very good.

It's really good to see you.

Hi, Rob.

- Rob? - That's Rob, yeah.

Nice to meet you, I'm Kareem.

What are you doing here?

Well, it's not a holiday.

We're actually working with the retracing the steps

of Odysseus, going from Troy to Ithaca.

What about you?

Are you still with refugees?

I'm working with the refugees, still.

The refugees, still here?

Yes, thousands of refugees.

- Thousands? - Yes, you know,

maybe I need the lift.

Maybe it could be so good for you to come and see.

It's very good for your Odyssey.

I'm sitting now.

Yes.

I would love to but we've got a..

Where are we gonna go next?

We've got a...

You know what?

We're not so busy.

We can spare enough time to drop him off.

That's what this is all about.

We'll talk in the car.

It'd be good for Rob to see a refugee camp.

So you're going to see the refugee camp.

It'd be good for me to see the refugee camp.

- Thank you guys for the lift. - Thanks Steve.

No worries.

It's really nice car, Steve.

Thanks, it's not mine.

- It was loaned to me for this - Us

thing we're doing to...

Was a us.

I mean, it's a hybrid, so, it's half electric.

So, it kind of cushions the impacts that a

monster gas guzzler like this normally...

That's important to you, isn't it?

That's important.

- We'll it is, yeah. - Probably the

environmental thing.

- But... - Steve has nine cars, Kareem.

Nine car?

- Yeah, nine cars. - Oh, so good man.

- That's irrelevant. - How many of them

are electric?

I have an electric car.

- Yeah. - We're writing an article.

I'm writing an article.

I'm writing an article,

Well, Rob is and...

Steve doesn't have time to actually

- write it. - I do.

I've go a lot of weighty thoughts.

Well, I do write.

But he services cars, I mean that takes

- a lot of his time. - I do.

Anyhow, so what's been going on?

What are you up to at the moment?

I'm here now set up a cultural event.

It's a musical and dance.

Really?

We do some music courses, music therapy.

I dance and I do some teaching.

- Great. - Fantastic.

Some community building inclusion.

Great.

Here we are.

This is a small city.

Gosh.

So, what's this barbed wire for?

It looks like a prison camp.

Is that to stop people getting in or stop them getting out?

Policy of this camp is really breezy.

It's a lot more established than I would have expected.

Really, nice to meet you.

Good luck with everything.

Hope it all works out.

Oh, Steve, thank you very much.

Okay, thank you.

I'm coming to Britain.

I hope I'll see you there.

Have you got my emails?

Yes, I will contact you, thank you.

Do the turning here.

I will go inside.

Well, that was sobering.

Imagine living in that for years and years and years.

Well, it's just like the Greek's camps outside Troy.

Best part of 10 years.

Too long.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

That's too long for camping.

Nice guy.

Yes, well, he's a very nice bloke.

I mean, I know him.

We worked together last year on a film.

He said.

He played a sort of version of himself.

You didn't remember him, did you?

What?

Of course I remembered him.

I worked with him for a month, at least.

So, of course I remembered him.

Maybe not at first but eventually, yeah, like yeah.

Hey, how you doing?

What's his name?

What's his name?

What are you testing?

Why you asking, "what's his name?

What's his name?"

I'm not testing you, I'm just interested to see,

what's his name?

Khalid

It's Kareem.

Okay, so I got the first syllable, right?

Oh, well done.

You know where the word lesbian comes from?

Yes, it was from the island, from Lesbos.

Sappho was the priestess who wrote erotic poetry

to all these women she loved and was obsessed with.

And she was the most celebrated poet.

It's not, lesbian but the most celebrated person

in ancient Greece.

And she was a woman and she was a lesbian.

It's a shame we get in the ferry.

I would like to stay in the Hotel Lesbian,

as I'm sure you would.

I think.

Come on Mr. Bond, do you like staying in the Hotel Lesbian,

just as much as I do?

If I can get my head down and the lesbian.

I'm more than happy.

Welcome to the Hotel Lesbian.

You can check out anytime you like, but you can

- never leave. - Never leave.

♪ Sailing.

♪ I am sailing

♪ Home again

♪ Across the sea

♪ I am sailing

♪ stormy waters

♪ to be near you,

♪ to be free.

How do you know Australia?

There was a 25 year old girl on the crew, who'd never heard

of Rod Stewart.

Never heard those two words in that order.

So, when I used to got out with the girl I used to say,

remember this?

Remember that?

And I just go, "When I was young we used to do this."

Stagira is the birthplace of Aristotle.

Stagira was besieged and destroyed in 348 BC

by Philip of Macedonia.

The inhabitants were enslaved, later Philip rebuilt the city

has a reward for Aristotle being tutored

to his son Alexander.

How much further is it?

It's just around, it's just the top of this road.

A stone in my sandal again.

Come on.

What do you mean come on?

Well, this is it.

This is the shrine to Aristotle...

Well, they imported his ashes back here

especially to leave them here as, this is his hometown.

It's not a lot to look at, is it?

I can see why they don't charge.

Maybe uproar.

Lego land cost a fortune but you get a lot for your money.

Do you think there'll be a memorial to you?

I don't believe in monuments.

Just something modest in Manchester.

Yeah.

I didn't picture Macedonia like this.

I imagined it to be quite rugged.

I didn't think it would be verdant and soft.

I know.

- Excuse me. - Our starter, sir.

Thank you.

- Oh. - As a starter,

we have the mussels on smoked pine needles,

with Parmesan cheese, green asparagus, a little bit

of citrus and espresso powder, enjoy.

Thank you, Mr. Tim.

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

Thank you.

Espresso powder dust.

That's an ingredient I wasn't expecting

but it's also piqued my curiosity.

It's a little,

hmm,

well, that's,

That's complex.

That is absolutely divine.

People talk about Alexander the Great while overlook all the

psychotic tendencies he had.

With his mother he conspires to kill his father.

And then after that went on a killing spree,

rounding up all his half siblings and cousins

who might have a legitimate claim to the throne

and just ruthlessly and horribly murdered them.

He was a gangster, an old-fashioned gangster.

We call him Alexander the Great.

On common ground is just a gangster.

I'm gonna commit atrocious crimes.

I'm doing Marlon Brando.

Good, I'm glad you flagged that up.

Commit atrocious crimes, I'm gonna behave despicably.

You need to make a mark,

get out of my way, when you speak like that.

You talk like that doesn't

What are you doing, let me hear?

He speaks like he has, his cheeks were

full of cotton balls

Well, but they were full of cotton balls

I know.

But they weren't full of those things that dentists use

- to syphon the... - Dental swab.

They don't use them anymore for some reason.

- They don't need them. - I don't know why.

Because dentistry has advanced.

Dentistry has advanced.

We've made a lot of great strides in dentistry.

I know what that is.

You know, dentistry has advanced quite a lot actually.

That's, you know what?

I like to hire you Aristotle to educate my son.

I like you to teach him a lot about philosophy.

I'm very flattered by the offer but I must say

I'm finding it very hard to forget what you did

just a year ago, which was a smashing sport.

Well, you know what?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you don't teach my son, I rip the head off, shit down

your goddamn fucking neck, you stupid dick sucking

motherfucking asshole, okay?

But it's essentially being a gangster.

I bet if you stayed in London, could be Ray Winston.

If you're going to be teaching my boy, Aristotle, right?

I don't want some airy-fairy nonce coming here, what...

Thank you, lovely.

- Hello. - Very nice.

Wonderful, compliments to the chef.

I will certainly.

Mr. Seven.

Is that your Christian name?

- Yes, it is. - Yeah, good.

Mr. Steve, Mr. Rob.

- Nice to meet you. - Hello

He won't know who Basil Brush is.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Now you listen to me.

I wanna make sure it's not just airy-fairy thinking.

It's not a great Ray Winston, I lost a part to him you know.

What's that?

- Seriously we- - Why would you?

I went, that's what I thought.

I saw Henry VIII, which I thought was,

I mean, he's a great actor, but I thought that was odd.

he gave him the Cockney accent, didn't he?

Yeah, it was Henry the Eighth

with a Cockney accent.

He's like 'I really fancy that Anne Boleyn,

but I got this old trout on me back... Catherine of Aragon

don't know what to do about it.

Sire.

Thinking to get in her, I want to bag her,

I want to bed her.

- Sire, might I interrupt? - I'm gonna do her.

Your new palace, Hampton Court, is ready sir.

We've had the jacuzzi put in.

Would you like to inspect it?

Fucking Pope said I can't get a fucking divorce.

I'm saying what about if I say, well I'm in charge,

I'm the head of the church, how about that?

What do you think about that?

How about I went round all your monasteries and fucking

knock this shit out of them?

I mean every single fucking one.

So, I'll fucking level all of them.

How about that Mr. Fucking Pope?

Your Royal Highness, Anne Boleyn is waiting for you in the

anti chamber Your Royal Highness.

Should I bring her through?

Yeah, tell her I've a real boner.

I'm pleased to hear that Your Royal Highness.

Might I say your one's Royal boner is looking

particularly majestic this morning.

Yeah, I really like her.

Say, semi-chamber or whatever you call it.

Is sire you're speaking euphemistically?

Why are you talking like a nonce?

Because I'm terrified of you sir.

I'm not a nonce.

I'm not an nonce, sir.

I'm not a nonce.

This is a rumour that has been put around the court

- by Cromwell. - All right, whatever.

Well you know Anne Boleyn.

She's not, she likes you sir.

She messes me around.

I'll chop her fucking head off.

Literally chop her fucking head off.

She dicks me about, I'll get a swordsman over from France.

Oh Sire.

She can kneel down across her.

That speaks so clearly of Sire's class, sir.

To chop off my lady's head with the swordsman.

Hello.

I don't like seeing my chin in this, dome.

- Thank you. - Dessert, gentlemen.

We have the almond crumble with yuzu cream fresh citrus

and blood orange on top of that, enjoy.

- Thank you. - Thank you very much.

My pleasure.

Who would you be if you could be a Greek god?

Which God would you be?

I have been cast as a Greek god.

When?

I played Hades in Percy Jackson.

Yes, Percy Jackson, the Lightning Thief.

Yeah, they made more of those films.

Hmm hmm.

What happened to Hades?

They just didn't invite me back.

Oh.

Hello, Joe, Joe?

Hey Dad, how are you?

Good, good.

What's going on?

Yeah, Grandad's in hospital again.

What?

Yeah, I've been to see him, seems okay.

Okay, so, it's the same thing as before.

Yeah, same thing as before.

It's all routine.

They're doing some tests.

- Your check, sir. - Oh, thank you very much.

Did you like the dessert?

Yeah, it's lovely.

I can't eat citrus, I had to leave it.

Thank you.

I'm glad you're there.

- And my mum's actually, - Okay.

Phillips moved out.

He's left her, so I'm...

Philip?

Yeah, Philip her partner, her boyfriend.

Oh yeah.

He's been living with her for two years.

Yeah, I think I met him.

Very good evening to you and welcome to this very special

Greek edition of Guess The bill

coming to you from the beautiful Greek island of

beach here in the northernmost part of Southern Greece.

And joining us to play tonight is a returning champion

from pedantry in the north of England is Stephen Coogan.

Steve, good evening?

"Hello."

If you need me to come back and just let me know,

I'll jump on a plane.

All right?

Okay, I love you.

I love you too dad, bye-bye.

And the wonderful thing about you Steve, is you never pick

another person up on what they're doing.

"No, it would literally never occur."

Oh, here he is, the man himself, Steven,

on this beautiful beach side setting.

Would you like to play Guess The Bill?

Not really no.

All right, it's 307 euro.

Hey Chloe, it's daddy.

- Hi. - Hi.

How are you?

- Good. - Good, what you're up to?

Just watching some stuff on my iPad.

And Where's Charlie?

Charlie isn't here, he's sleeping right now.

All right then let me speak straight to mommy then darling

and I'll talk to you again tomorrow.

She's not here.

She's not there as well.

Where is she?

The theatre.

You said the theatre,

what's she going to see at the theatre?

I don't know.

And who did she go with?

Don't know that either.

But you know she's gone to the theatre.

Yeah.

All right.

Gotta move on.

Run Dad, keep up.

Keep moving.

Are you okay?

You all right?

Catherine.

Oh husband that I love.

Why do you choose to give in to such wild grief?

Catherine!

Fare well.

And do not fail in your love for our son.

♪ I saw my problems and I'll see the light ♪

♪ We got a loving thing,

♪ We've gotta treat it right.

♪ There ain't no danger, we can go too far ♪

♪ We start believing now

Are you sing Grease? ♪ That we can be

Because

and Greece. ♪ who we are.

♪ Grease is the word.

♪ They think our love is just a growing pain. ♪

You know, Grease is not about the country of Greece.

When I'm in Greece, I hear the word grease,

I think Greece,

Yes, but it's not the same thing as it's a homophone.

- No, no, no, no. - It's a homophone.

It's a how dare you?

How dare you?

I'm not a homophone.

I'm a heterosexual.

I'm a hetro... I'm not, I'm a human being.

- Good evening. - I'm not a homophone.

I'm not looking for me Steve.

Grease is the word, yes?

It's the word that you heard, it's got a groove,

it's got a meaning.

Greece is the time, is the place, is the motion.

Well, grease is the way we're feeling.

Talk more about that, expand on that.

Do you know who wrote Grease?

Steve Coogan, did you know who wrote Grease?

No, I don't think...

It was Barry Gibb.

I know all the other writers from ancient Greece,

but no, that's not as important to you.

- Is who wrote the song Grease. - Well, it was written

by Barry Gibb because Robert Stigwood the Bee Gees manager

was producing the music without the original

stage musical because he didn't have the song Grease.

Robin said to Barry we're enjoying such great success

with such tragedy.

Do you know who wrote that,

"a friend to everyone is a friend to no one?"

Yes, Aristotle,

- now let me tell you this. - It's because I told you.

No, I knew it already.

You don't know anything.

You know more about these irrelevant things

like who wrote the song Grease.

These trivialities than anything to do with ancient Greece

other than what I've spoon fed to you

over the last few days.

♪ Grease is the time, is the place, is the motion ♪

♪ And Grease is the way we are feeling. ♪

You know, the Greeks thought Delphi was the centre

of the world, literally the centre of the Greek world,

the navel, as it were.

Yes, I think so.

And they had a cave

and the woman in the cave sitting on a tripod,

with smoke coming up underneath her,

they'd have a prophet there to interpret.

She would then shoot, the smoke would come up

and she'd start going.

And they'd have a prophet to interpret what she was saying.

And the people believed that it was Apollo,

sending his words up in smoke through her vagina

and out of her mouth.

And she was the Priestess Pythia.

Well, are going to make a joke about it?

No.

If I did, it wouldn't be one of my Pythia comments.

There's something lucky in this.

Probably where the phrase

"blowing smoke up your ass" comes from.

It was a vagina, not ass.

I hope you know the difference by now, Rob.

Got help your wife, 'cause she didn't know which

way to turn.

Now, this here is the stone that Zeus dropped to signify

the centre of the world, the navel of the world just there.

It's more like a clitoris though.

It does though, it looks more like a giant clitoris.

Well, that's almost certainly deliberate.

This is a shrine to the female.

So it's a Gaia, Mother Earth, the creative.

And until, of course, Apollo came along,

claimed all the credit for himself.

Surprise surprise, 'twas ever thus the patriarchy.

It's a lovely spot.

Claiming credit.

Very spiritual, isn't it?

Yeah.

Michelin starred, Varoulko Seaside

in Pireas, Athens is widely regarded

as Greece's top seafood restaurant.

Well it's very nice, isn't it?

This is not what I expected of Athens.

I was thinking hot and dusty, not wet and cool.

No, well, this is exactly what I expected of Athens

because lots of boats, because it's a naval power.

The Athenian Navy defeated the Persians in

the Battle of Salamis.

The Battle of Salamis.

Yeah.

So, you could do something about two guys with Salamis

hitting each other in the head?

- Yes. - The fact that Salamis

are a bit like cocks.

Yeah, no, I wasn't going there

- but - Really?

- Well, the Battle of Salamis - The Battle of Salamis.

Big guy.

Yeah but they're at the Battle of Marathon,

not far from here, that wasn't a naval battle, was it?

I didn't say all the battles were naval.

And that's where we get the Marathon from because the guy,

the soldier came, he ran from the battle at Marathon,

all the way back to Athens and then, you won't know this,

he dropped dead.

What did the shout just before he died?

He said, "I've got shooting pains down my arm

and I sort of,

followed by a crushing feeling across my chest."

No, Nike.

- Please. - What?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

salad from white grouper.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

He shouted Nike.

He had a sponsorship deal.

He wanted to thank the guys at Nike.

No, he shouted Nike as Nike is the goddess of victory.

Have you ever ran the marathon?

No, of course not, no.

- I have. - Really?

If you died at the end of the marathon, I would gladly try

and resuscitate you, to the...

Are you waving goodbye to me.

No, I'm crashing your chest to the rhythm

of staying alive.

You don't do that, you don't pat someone in the back.

Arms together, elbows locked.

Push down, 30 chest compressions.

30 and you count them.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10

to 30 of those.

Steve's gonna die.

Steve's gonna die.

- Then two breaths. - Yeah.

Pinch the nose, head back, two breaths.

- Not your nose. - What?

The nose of the person

- your bringing to life. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Head back. - We've lost him.

Something on his neck.

We've lost him but I'm pinching my nose.

"Not your nose, you idiot."

Well, it's 'cause you make people laugh

while losing valuable seconds, that will be good.

What if you'd found it funny

and you sprung back to life laughing.

Well, I'd have to be conscious for that to happen.

So, if I'm conscious then there's

no need to resuscitate me.

- Doesn't make sense. - All right,

I'm banging your chest

- Can I? - Pinch the nose,

- Would you mind if I... - two breaths, then 30 more.

- One, two, three, four - Three, four.

Steve's gonna die, Steve's gonna die.

Yeah and why do they say do it to

the beat of the Bee Gees?

Why?

Because it's the number of beats per minute.

And how many beats per minute is it?

A hundred and twenty.

Yes.

'cause that's the classic disco beat.

Yes, I know.

Then we got a very dangerous area because then it might be

time to try mouth to mouth

and I would not be comfortable with that.

I'm glad you wouldn't be comfortable with it.

I would find it hard to press my lips to yours.

I'm glad you wouldn't be comfortable with it

'cause I enjoy it more when you don't enjoy it.

Marathon man, Dustin Hoffman, very different actors.

Olivier acts from the outside-in,

he's not a method actor, he never was.

He likes to look in the mirror and look like someone

different, and then make that the basis of his character.

Or a Dustin nose.

Dustin doesn't look like that

I think I'm quite like Dustin.

And I'm not sure act the like Dustin.

Well that's Dustin Hoffman.

Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

Are you trying to seduce me Mrs. Robinson?

- Mrs. Robinson. - Are you trying to seduce me?

Then pick what do you choose next.

I'll tell you Midnight Cowboy.

Why did he choose that John Schlesinger?

'cause he was so different.

Who did he play?

Ratso Rizzo, who was opposite him?

- Jon Voight. - Jon Voight, yeah.

Jon Voight the

We didn't know that then.

Jon Voight says, "Well hell, I'm a hustler,

you didn't know that?"

Justin says," Well, how I'm I supposed to know that?

You gotta tell a person these things.

I mean, I understand the board starts crying

and I cut my heart out for her.

You need my friend, Dr. Aniel."

- Can you do... - I'm haven't finished

- doing it yet. - Okay.

"You need my friend Dr. Aniel.

- He runs a biggest..." - That's very good.

I still haven't finished.

"You will need my friend Dr. Aniel.

He runs this biggest...

now I'm getting it wrong 'cause you got in my fucking way.

I'm walking here, I'm walking here.

While I'm talking here, let me finish this thing, right now.

You'll need my friend Dr. Aniel, he runs the biggest stable

in the whole goddamn metropolitan area.

It's craziest stuff like you paying."

And then there was

I can do that.

Michael, nobody will employ you.

You played a tomato, they went two days over

'cause you wouldn't sit down.

I'm a woman, I don't like the way you speak to one.

If you say that again, me I go knock balls right through

the roof of your mouth.

I'm not Dorothy Michaels.

I'm not Dorothy Michaels.

- I'm Michael Dorcy. - I'm Michael Dorcy.

I'm an excellent driver.

I'm an, okay.

I'm an excellent driver.

Can you do a Godzilla animation in a film?

Kind of like a stop frame animation.

- No. - I can, watch.

Still prefer O'Neil Kinect.

If I had to choose with a gun to my head.

And I can do doubling in films where

the voice doesn't matter.

You've done this before.

I know, it's good though, watch.

Are you gonna do it?

Yeah.

Don't be ridiculous.

And I told you time and time again.

Every time you come here, your voice didn't sink at all

and when you lose your temper, it should be like this.

Hey, you.

You're a fool.

Fair enough.

In the Marathon Man of course, in that scene where he says,

"Is it safe?"

Is it safe?

Is it safe?

Yes, it's safe.

Is it safe, yes, it's very safe.

Are you doing both parts?

Is it safe?

It's safe, it's safe, yeah.

Does this hurt?

You have a cavity.

See, that's where you got it wrong,

'cause he doesn't do that.

The whole point is, he doesn't go

- Does he? - Okay, all right.

He's very, that's what makes it scary

'cause he does it ever so gently,

he's like a dentist and that's why it's ahead

because he's so, now try it again, Steve.

I want you for this part.

You have a slight cavity there.

- Just - Oh!

And then you get the oil of cloves.

- Yes, simple... - But you do it very caringly.

Simple oil of cloves.

It makes it so much better.

That's not safe, it's not safe, it's very dangerous.

What are you doing now?

- You're drilling? - Yeah, well.

I'm a little lightheaded.

That was actually quite good.

It was, I'll do it again.

And then from deep inside Dustin's mouth comes this;

"somebody get me out of here,

I'm a tiny tooth,

I can't get out of Dustin Hoffman's mouth,

oh my God, I can't get out of Dustin's mouth"

He didn't see some sort of wise guy, that he's not.

I still don't know why you dubbed.

And why are you a small man in the box?

Oh, he's a funny notion that I'm not,

- I'm small... - It's a funny notion

that someone might walk around in real life being dubbed.

- Yeah, but in this... - To make sense.

- In this instance... - A small, why a small...

Because we're in a dental setting.

And a man's trapped in a box, why in the dentist?

A tooth is trapped in a mouth.

And the tooth talks.

I'm trapped inside Dustin Hoffman's mouth.

Well, this is where your claim for logic

falls to the ground, Mr. Rob Brydon.

There's no possible way of offering the explanation

for that, case dismissed.

So, it's your first visit in our hotel, sir?

First visit to this hotel, yes.

But visited Athens a couple of times before.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Nice to hear your voice.

Hey, Greg, how you doing?

How are you?

Good, good, yeah, great.

How's Rob?

Is he keeping you on your toes?

He's a very funny man.

He really does

Yes, he's very funny.

Well, what can I do for you?

Is there any news on the Damien Chazelle film?

Yes, yes but it's a no, I'm afraid, from them.

They do what, they loved you.

They thought what you did was absolutely fantastic.

I cried and I did the whole bit.

Yeah, I know that though the crying was great.

They mentioned that, they loved it.

Listen, I've had an idea.

Why don't you at the end of this, which is Ithica,

why don't you come out and you and I

could have a few days together?

Here they are.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hey, how are you?

- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you too.

- You all right? - Yeah.

- How are you? - Very good.

Nice to see you.

- Fantastic. - Thank you.

Right, a photograph.

Yes, at the Epidaurus, the theatre.

Since Greece is the birthplace of drama.

On the nose.

Steven it was your idea.

- Was it? - Yeah.

Great, let's do it.

It's hot, if I was to give one word

to describe this weather.

That's very hot.

I know it's hot.

Masks.

Comedy, tragedy.

This is, they look like BAFTAs

Is that the idea?

They are, the unfamiliar not.

I've got tragedy, you happy with that?

Comedy?

I don't know, what do you think?

I'd go with that.

Comedy, you know you're a titan of comedy.

I should have the smile because of the number

of BAFTAs I've won.

And I should have the frown because I've spent

a week with you.

Come on, let's do it.

On the other hand, Rob is known for accessible

light entertainment, smiley face, and I'm now known

for dramatic roles because

I got a BAFTA nomination for,

thanks, Stan Laurel.

For impersonating a comedian, so we give it back to you.

Yeah, I wasn't impersonating a comedian,

because BAFTA, the nomination was for best acting.

It's certainly drama.

Guys, can you take off the hats?

- What? - Hat.

Okay.

I'm gonna burn without the hat.

Okay, well, we'll do it quickly.

Why is he on the higher level?

This is just exacerbating the height thing.

You can go on the same level.

I don't think Rob could be on the same level.

Oh, he's talking, physically, I see, I've got it, okay.

Try and do like the proper Greek actors

like a proper drama.

As if we're all Greek actors, so, I'll stab you.

That will come easy.

Yeah, some kind of drama there, yeah.

Sing Goddess Achilles rage, black and murderous,

that cost the Greeks incalculable pain,

and cast countless

souls of heroes into Hades'

black, dark, pitched.

Hey, I'm from BAFTA

and I'm afraid, your performance, whilst impressive,

didn't quite meet the criteria.

♪ Tragedy, when a feeling's gone. ♪

♪ You can't go on this tragedy. ♪

♪ But in the morning cries, you don't know why it's hard ♪

♪ to bear with no one beside you. ♪

♪ You're going nowhere.

Yeah, but it's not a tragedy, is it?

That's just depression.

That's what a doctor would say but Barry's not a doctor.

Barry's a wordsmith.

So, he's employee his poetic licence.

♪ Tragedy,

Oh look at this rubbish, look at that.

Come on, the bloody Greeks.

Come on Greece, it's two and a half thousand years.

Hi, it's Emma.

Oh, hi, I'm just checking if you're there.

We're about to pull in.

Great, all right, that's fab.

Oh hi, nice to meet you?

How are you doing?

So, you're gonna meet them tomorrow with the car

in Monemvasia

Yes, okay.

Where does the ferry go from?

The ferry is down there.

Okay.

Have a good time.

Bye , thank you so much.

There's no cars allowed though in Hydra.

Really?

- Yeah. - That is good.

Yeah, it is good.

- Hi. - Hi.

I can take your bags?

Oh, amazing, we're gonna stay at the Hydrea.

- Yes. - Where's the Hydrea?

It's over there.

- Okay. - Very near.

Can you take us to the reception?

Okay, brilliant.

So, here we have,

- Wow, amazing. - Wow, it looks amazing.

Delicious, thank you.

How are your kids Rob?

Good, thank you.

Chloe is ten, Charlie is four.

- Wow. - There are a handful.

well.

How is yours?

is four.

Would you have another one, do you think, at your age now?

I just think a certain age, it's probably

- not fair on the kids, is it? - Yeah.

Keep you young though, look at Jagger.

Have you seen that clip of him after he had his operation.

I've seen that, where he's dancing.

Where he's dancing, yeah.

He's amazing.

How long was it after his operation?

I don't know, not a lot clear though.

But pretty soon after,

- Really? - it's very incredible.

Lemme have a look.

But he has many young children, right?

So, he needs to keep fit.

Pretty soon, he'll be the only man in Britain

with an earlier bedtime than his child.

I don't want to go to bed.

I want to stay up, I want to watch one show.

Please share that nappies.

Oh hang on, he's found it.

I hope he has, either that

or he's having some sort of a fit.

On the screen off.

Oh, it'll work, don't worry.

Impressive though, right?

Imagine him in the hospital.

Can I just say, this ward is a lot really noisy and

oh, keep it down.

Well time is it you know.

When's the magazines coming around?

I could use this one.

See that bloke in the next bed, he's done nothing

but complain since he got there.

The nurses,

they're like angels.

And he does nothing but complain.

And him over there, he has no visitors, really sad.

No one's going to see him.

All right, hello?

You're doing all right, yeah.

Do you think he was on the ward at Papworth?

- I doubt it somehow. - Probably

in the private room.

- Yeah. - Most likely.

Nevermind, can't get no satisfaction.

I can't get no sleep, the bloody noise.

That one over there.

He's boning and groaning all night.

- Oh, it's so in terms... - No wonder you don't get

any visitors, I mean, it's a nightmare.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

But you know, Keith's come to visit and Ronnie's come

to visit.

- haven't they? - Charlie's come to visit.

What?

- No, no. - No.

It's like me and him, we get on, we love each other.

We a little

He said he had a tiny todger though,

isn't that too hard to come back from?

No, that's Steve lying

Did he forget he probably when he said that?

Sometimes.

Well, he would know it wasn't true...

These cats

When he goes swimming, right, like when he's facing down,

it's like he's dredging, you know.

- He's like he's... - Oh God.

That's what Keith Richards did when he laughs.

Just wondered...

He's like in the last death throes of Mutley.

He's loving it, isn't he?

Look at that.

I could do that.

That's actually quite risky.

Did I tell you about the time

I free climbed home crack.

Yes, you did.

What is he doing?

- Wow. - Wow.

Oh my god.

He could be nastily thrown against the rocks.

Couldn't be that.

So, and here we come.

Oh, wow.

Here we have shell fishes.

Thank you.

- That looks so good. - Thank you.

It looks lovely.

Amazing.

Oh, this reminds me when the tide goes out.

Are we meant to just slurp it like an oyster?

You don't have to.

What did you do?

You still do that, you still do it like,

Yeah, I think we do.

It's smaller than garlic.

That is amazing.

That's gorgeous.

I might go for a dive later.

Really?

Yeah, but I can't do a back flip like that but I can

swallow dive.

What's swallow dive?

Well, you have to put your arms out like this

because if you do this, if you're from a great height,

if you do this, you just go over to your back.

So you have to, the centre of gravity is your chest

by doing this, and then bring your arms in the last minute.

Okay.

Hey, Chloe, how are you doing?

You all right?

Hi, I'm good.

Good, how was school today?

Hey Joe, it's dad.

Hey dad, I've just been to see Grandad.

All right, go on.

He's a bit woozy, they're going to run a few more tests.

You're gonna miss mommy when she comes out.

Yeah.

We're gonna get back in the same flight.

Brilliant, that's good.

Oh, great, how is she?

She's good, yeah.

She said to say hello.

Okay, well say hello back to her,

and thank you for obviously you know stepping into the fray.

It'll be fun the granny though, won't it?

Yeah, good forehead darling well done.

Hello.

Good luck.

Oh, Miss Jones.

Miss Jones you look wonderful tonight Miss Jones.

Thank, as do you.

The Himalayas, unmistakable Miss Jones.

Would you join me Miss Jones in the terrace for a drink?

I was just wondering where

Leonard Cohen's house might be

near the house and I think he's got a blue plaque.

Leonard Cohen lived here.

Oh, yes, I would think so.

I mean, Leonard and McCartney

Bravo.

It's not really high though to see a proper swallow dive.

No, I think that was perfect.

Actually, it's a very difficult dive.

So, you gotta watch your back, you see.

If you don't get the right entry, it's lethal.

Yeah.

And then they're gonna have fireworks, anytime.

How do you know?

Because I have been here before.

Oh, so you've been this far.

I have to get to the ferry.

Okay.

Bye.

♪ Forever and ever,

♪ forever and ever.

♪ You'll be the one who shines

It's Falsetto, isn't it?

It gets to Falsetto, it didn't start Falsetto.

Okay, no it's not ♪ forever

Not forever, it's

♪ Ever and ever...

Don't start there Steve

as your proctologists I would advise you do not start there.

Let's see what happens.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever,

♪ You'll be

♪ The one...

See what happened, now half the audience's left

♪ Ever and ever, forever and ever you'll be the one. ♪

- Hello, viewers. - All right.

♪ Ever and ever, forever and ever you'll be the one ♪

♪ Who shines on me, for all eternity. ♪

To be fair, when Dennis did it, he...

♪ Ever and ever, forever and ever you'll be the one ♪

You use pulse, that's how.

Are you deliberately doing it badly?

♪ Shines on me...

Right, okay, ready?

♪ in all eternity...

Can I have a go?

Yeah, go on.

♪ Ever and ever, forever and ever you'll be the one. ♪

If you do that, it is falsetto.

You used falsetto.

Did I talk over you doing it and tell you how to do it?

- No. - No, because you don't know

how to do it.

'cause well, I was gonna say it's falsetto.

He went into falsetto.

Yes he went into it but I haven't reached that stage yet.

- Well you did. - He didn't start in falsetto.

- Did he, Steve? - No.

- Did I start in falsetto? - No.

So I was doing the same as Denis.

When you go high note, you also remained

- out of falsetto. - Car.

- Here we go. - Even the high note.

Right, here we go.

How about you do a sponsored silence now for charity.

- Okay, go on. - Here we go.

♪ Ever and ever and ever and ever ♪

♪ You'll be the one that shines on me ♪

♪ Like the morning sun

♪ Ever and ever and ever and ever ♪

♪ You'll be the one who shines on me ♪

- ♪ Like the morning sun - Is that castrato?

Wait, wait, wait

♪ All my life and

- ♪ now I have been... - Should I call an ambulance?

♪ Everyday with you

♪ my heart is turning

♪ forever and ever.

What the hell are you doing?

You're all over the place.

Shocked by the power of my falsetto.

- Hello. - Hey, hello.

- You all right? - Yeah, very good thank you.

Is everything sorted?

It is, Emmy's organised it all, she says it'll be fine.

- Hello? - Hey, Catherine.

It's Steve, how are you?

Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.

What can I do for you?

I'm trying to get Joe, he's not answering his mobile.

Is he there?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry about your dad by the way.

Oh thank you, yeah.

Joe is here, have a chat with him.

Take care, okay, bye.

Thanks, love.

Thanks. Hey, Dad.

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, I'm all right, how are you?

Great, great, how's granddad.

Oh, he's okay.

You know, I mean, same as yesterday.

He seems he seems stable.

What's amazing about the Mani is that thousands years ago

when it was ruled by, when Sparta was the most powerful

nation state in ancient Greece.

To be part of the ruling council,

you had to be over 60 years old, so I will be too young

to be part of the government.

I'd be like some young rapscallion, the ruling council

there in the robes, the elders, very wise,

and I'd be hanging around and they're going,

"Get out of here. Steve, you silly young thing."

Would you ever run for public office?

No.

Because you'd be a great orator, wouldn't you?

With your skills of speaking.

I don't.

You worried they'd be digging through your past?

No, I don't, I'm not worried about that.

Because that's a pro nowadays.

I mean, look at look at some of these people.

Look at your Trump's and your Johnson's.

Yeah. You're old and stuff.

Yeah, well, you know,

- I mean, - I mean not at your level but

If you think about Heracles, he was someone...

Heracles, don't you mean Hercules?

If you're using the Roman name then yes, that's Hercules.

I only know him from the film.

Okay, well, Heracles is the Greek name for him.

He murdered his wife and children.

Arnold Schwarzenegger played him in the movie.

The Labours of Hercules, if you like.

Hercules in New York.

Was issued from...

One of the first movies.

Thank you, from a Christian perspective has based him

serving his penance.

I can't even imagine Christianity forgiving a man

for murdering his wife and children.

You're quite right too.

Mr. Coogan are you suggesting that the man standing

before us today who murdered his wife and children

should be forgiven?

Hercules, Arnold played him in Hercules in New York.

Hercules in New York.

Is one of my first films,

One of my first... you sound a bit like

Werner Herzog there.

That's right, that's what I was doing.

- I was doing Werner. - That was one

of my first films, it was very hard to do.

I had to get Arnold Schwarzenegger to do it for me.

My name is Georgia, everybody calls me George.

- Anyway. - Remember that?

So, we are going to start with one salad.

Good idea.

- Thank you. - Yeah, perfect.

Make some space and put it into the middle.

Thank you.

One melitsana dip and just one moment for the bread, please.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Already enjoy.

Thank you.

- She's charming. - Did you hear that?

- Already enjoying - Already enjoying.

- What a lovely slogan? - Yeah, is a lovely,

- yes, it is. - I'd like to have that

on a T shirt.

- Already enjoy. - Yeah, well, you're a bit old

for T-shirts with such slogans on,

if you don't mind me saying.

- Thank you very much. - Some bread.

My friend was just saying what a lovely thing to say,

"already enjoy."

Now you can enjoy completely

Match it on a T-shirt.

- Yes. - Yes?

- It'd be nice. - Yeah?

He's too old to have T shirts with logos on.

You're never too old for this.

No, I think, yeah.

That's a nice thing to say.

Just to be clear.

- No, you're never too old. - I know.

- Enjoy. - Thank you very much.

Already enjoying, thank you.

- Yeah. - She was very,

she was unequivocal there.

Not too old.

What was she gonna say?

"Yeah you're right."

She could have agreed with you if you're as persuasive

- as you think you are. - She was being

politically adapting.

That's the best thing to say about her.

Just to be clear, are you saying,

you could wear a T-shirt with a slogan on it?

You think you're four months.

I think, it's nothing to do with age,

it's to do with how you look.

And this the brutal truth is, yes, I think I am more likely

to get away with a T-shirt with a logo on it than you are.

Not by much but just more likely, yeah.

Anyway, already enjoying.

- Yeah? - Huh.

The ancient Greeks recognise that people were a combination

of good and bad, is not this, social media idea demonising

people completely.

They are other persona non grata

or their heroic is nonsense.

Their gods, you know, were complex people and

it's interesting because this is a good example of it.

This review of Stan and Ollie.

Review of Stan and Ollie is a good example of what?

You're tying this into Greek mythology.

Yes.

The review of Stan and Ollie in the Spectator says,

"It's a good job Steve Coogan is a brilliant actor.

He conveys Stan's likability so well that for 97 minutes

you forget what to self regarding arse Coogan himself is

in real life." Now,

my takeaway from that is, he thinks I'm a brilliant actor.

That's what you take away from it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That was a lovely, it was just, it wasn't too much.

Did you liked it?

We loved it.

Wonderful, yeah, lovely.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Do you want to continue?

I think so.

I think so yeah.

Is there an option not to?

- It's your choice. - Yeah, no, we will continue.

Yeah, I've never been asked that before.

Yeah, it's a good question.

- Yeah. - All right.

Thank you.

It's a German accent, isn't it?

- She's got. - Yes.

You think she's German?

- Yeah. - She's not Greek.

Do you want to continue?

She could have been asking us about our lives.

Do you want to continue?

What, she's seen our age and gone,

"Do you want to continue or would you prefer I administer

drugs now?"

Not all Germans are Nazi.

I'm not saying she's a Nazi, I'm saying

she's in some lovely clinic where we go into it.

Yeah, I know you.

No, but this one I'm not saying she's not saying

she's the occupying force.

I'm saying she's in a clinic.

And she's saying, "Do you want to continue?

Or would you like to..."

Don't mention the war.

I'm not but seriously?

Yeah, she's not, I like a foreign accent on a woman.

You like women.

Mr. Bond, you know, it's like, you're always...

So, we continue with risotto.

Thank you.

- One for you. - Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Nice and soft for Steve.

- Thank you. - And one for you.

There we are.

Enjoy.

Oh boy, look at that Rob.

Three sirens.

Yeah?

On the rocks.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, luring me.

They'll just distract themself to the mass, so you won't

be tempted by that sort of hussy.

Hmm, yeah.

That's what you needed, isn't it?

You've needed that in your life, I think.

Someone to strap you to the mast to stop you doing mischief.

The other sailors put bungs in their ears

so they wouldn't hear the siren song.

He wants to hear it, but he want to be lured, he wants to

- check out the sirens - Couldn't be more like you.

You want you want to experience up to a point.

You're a halfway through, he begs them to untie him

so that he could go and consummate or

If I'd strap you to the mast, I would stick

with the agreement, I wouldn't untie you.

And I'd take some pleasure in it.

I'd have little, I'd have cotton things in my ears, right?

You'd be on the mast.

You go, "Oh Rob, Rob, I regret my decision.

Please untie me." That song is fantastic.

Why would I be a munchkin with an accent?

Huh?

Why would I be, if I was playing Odysseus?

You're not playing, no,

I'm not saying you're playing Odysseus.

I'm saying you are you and I am me.

I'd be going, "Let me go."

And I'd say, "I'm sorry."

Let me swim to the sirens, I demand it.

You have your hands would be by your side or near,

you'd be stuck there, wouldn't you?

Yeah, Okay.

Let me swim to the sirens.

I'm sorry, Steve.

I've got...

I demand it.

Steve, do you recognise this?

My name is Odysseus, not Steve.

Who is this Steve you speak of?

He's a conceited ass that I know from Manchester.

Well, I know not him, but I have heard of his talent.

I believe he's won seven BAFTAs,

seven BAFTAs?

Yes.

What is a BAFTA that you speak of?

Service.

Spartan women has a reputation

for being the most beautiful women in the world.

Yet the men were gay, go figure.

Hello.

- Hi - Hi.

So, I have some fish for you.

Thank you.

And one for you.

- It's grouper - STEVE: Thank you.

Enjoy it.

Thank you very much.

Much lovely.

Make sure you mop up a lot of that sauce.

Oh yeah.

After lunch, we'll go and see the caves.

Why?

It's the observers idea.

The Greeks, as I'm sure you know,

believed that in this area.

Yeah,

caves were entrances to the underworld and they thought we

could tie that in and also, I could mention you as Hades,

plug a few Percy Jackson DVDs.

Is everything fine?

- Wonderful. - Lovely.

Gorgeous.

Beautiful Bay.

It's very nice.

We have tomorrow swim race.

It's called ocean man.

They start from the pier right there.

Can you see it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

They will start there and swim into this direction

to Neo Itilo to the beach Tsipa.

It's international, people all around the world

- they coming here. - Wow.

Maybe you will see it.

I would love to, I would love to stay for that.

That sounds amazing but..

we cannot stay, we have to leave but sounds lovely.

I'd like to join the race.

I'd like to join in, I think.

Maybe you can do.

Yeah, I think so.

No?

Maybe.

He's joking with you.

I'm not joke, I'm in pretty good shape my age.

- We will see. - We will see.

Thank you.

I'd like to do that.

Let's join in the race, joining the... not competitive.

They just but.

That's a long way, look at it.

I have got very good stamina.

Neither you nor I could do that.

I can certainly, I could beat you in the race.

Well, I don't think you could and we don't have time,

so

Oh, that's convenient.

Okay, go to the cave then we'll race.

Great,

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

The Swingle singers live at Chena gorge.

This is more really suited to sort of a Gregorian Chant

to being like a sort of cathedral sound.

I love Greg.

- What? - I love Greg.

Greg who?

Oh Greg Orian chant, yeah.

Well, I don't mind whether Greg or Ian Chant.

I mean, they're both good.

Would you rather Ian?

Ian you sit this one out, Greg is gonna do it.

You girls, what do you shout, what do you say go?

Yeah, say three, two, one go!

Yeah, sure.

- Are you ready? - Don't push me.

Ready, steady, go!

AlL right, okay, you win,

I think I switched my shoulder.

Come on, yes, yes!

Yeah,

yes,

Journey.

Dad?

Dad?

Journey.

I knew your devotion would prevail over all the rigour

of the journey and bring you to your father.

I might be allowed to look upon your face my son.

To hear the voice I know so well, and answer it with my own

I know how many lands you've travelled and how many seas

you've sailed to get to me here.

Give me your hand.

Steve.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna swim.

We are supposed to go.

We are supposed to go.

We gonna be going near Olympia.

Why don't we stop there?

It's gonna be full of tourists, American tourists

piling out of coaches.

The Olympic games were held every four years throughout

classical antiquity.

The site is a major tourist attraction.

And has two museums one devoted to the ancient

and modern games.

We are not going there, we're going to Pylos.

Horrible King Lester.

Greek.

You're doing like a horn though, it's a piano.

Oh, sorry glang is the word for piano.

glang, glang, glang

I'll be the Percussion.

Yeah, I hate that film.

So posh students from Oxford learn to run really quickly.

The end.

I think there's a psychological

disadvantage to sitting

in the passenger seat in a car.

The driver automatically assumes highest status.

I remember as a child, there was a chap whose wife drove

and he didn't.

And I remember thinking, that poor guy and to me,

I thought he was completely emasculated.

And that woman divorced that man that he couldn't drive

and in my head, you know, as a child, I always thought,

if he'd learned to drive, he'd might still be married.

Yeah, the relationship I was in before Sally was a long

one, and when it ended, I was very bereft.

And I went to stay with my parents.

And they said, well, let's go for a run in the car.

Okay, yeah.

They drove down to West Wales but I was sitting

- in the back. - Oh, dear.

And not only was I now without my relationship I was also

a little boy in the back of the car, at one point near

Carmarthen I had to say stop pull over and I made my mom

get in the back.

Look at that breathtaking view

Coastal Pylos presides over the southern end of

an immense bay.

Is this the Palace of King Nestor?

No, this is an old Ottoman fortress.

From the, this day is from the Ottoman Empire.

At Ottoman Empire, they have a great savings on Ottomans

of all sizes.

Open bank holiday Monday, put your feet up

at Ottoman Empire.

Otter man, half otter, half man, new to the Marvel

comic universe.

- Half man, - you could play him.

half usable, still storage facility.

What's Steve doing?

Oh, he's playing Ottoman.

What?

Yeah, no, he thinks he can be good.

I read the script, it's awful.

He's gonna do it, is he all right?

I don't know.

I'm worried about Steve, he's doing so well.

And then he signed up for Ottoman.

Tell me more about Steve Coogan's decision

to play Ottoman.

Well, this was towards the end of his life.

And I think...

You said that I wanted to talk more about his talent.

Well, I mean, talent is a very subjective thing, isn't it?

I spent a lot time with him.

We all know that it was a great talent.

Why was he so great, so please, just expound on that.

Well, that's still a mystery to me.

I mean, I spent a lot, I didn't ask...

That's mystery to you, what I want to know is

what can you encapsulate in a sentence,

the genius of Steve Coogan.

I met a lot of people over the years who didn't like him.

We don't have that much time left.

- No. - You're gonna miss me?

Well, yes and no.

Yes and no? Bloody hell

And you're very entertaining but you can be exhausting.

Exhausting, me?

Good God, you should meet you.

I have met me and we got on like a house on fire.

That was the same, it looked like, it looks like

a halls of residence in a 1960s British University.

Well, no yeah what's wrong with that, that's modernism.

It's is utopia modernism and that is incredible.

That's, that's 1200 BC.

Plus 800 years before the Parthenon.

On grand designs, imagine Kevin MacLeod going back to..

Yeah, and that's why it's amazing.

see, they're happy with their underfloor heating.

We are beginning to feel pinch Kevin but we do want to see

it too, because, you know, it's our dream house.

It's the same amount of time between that

and the Parthenon is between ups and the building

of Canterbury Cathedral.

And as the sun sprang up,

Oh you look very good there.

Leaving the brilliant water in its wake.

You look like you've come to inspect

for building regulations

Time the bronze dawn to show light onto immortal gods

and mortal men.

The ship sailed into Pylos, where people lined the beaches,

sacrificing sleek, black bulls to Poseidon

Driving quite fast for a narrow road.

You don't mind me saying.

Thank you.

That's shortcut.

That's not the road.

This is the road.

Are you allowed to do this?

Am I allowed?

I was born allowed mate.

It's up here, isn't it?

been a ridge here.

Wow, good lord.

Without the, to historic

This is it,

this is, where, King Nestor had a huge feast to Telemachus.

Two and a half thousand years ago.

So, what they call it ox-belly Bay 'cause of all the bulls

they sacrificed?

No, cause it's the shape of an ox's belly.

Yeah, I know.

Right, we've seen it Let's go

See the mouth of the Bay there, I can I could swim that.

I can swim that, it's hardy the Hellespont, is it?

It's not even Assos to Lesbos.

I'll race you, my shoulder's better now.

Come on, seriously let's go.

Come on.

All right.

Hello.

Hello, Joe.

Hey, dad.

Hey.

It's granddad.

Yeah, what about him?

I'm really sorry.

What?

I'm really sorry,

he's died.

I'm sorry dad.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'll come straight home.

Yeah, okay.

All right, I'll see you soon.

Yeah, see you soon.

Love you.

Love you too, bye.

Hey, Steve.

Hi Emma.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Who told you.

Joe called me.

Listen, I've checked all flights

and the best way home, is to get on the ferry

with Rob to Ithaca, it stops at Sami in Kefalonia

and then you can go direct flight to Manchester, okay?

Okay, great.

Joe said that he's staying at Catharine's

and you'd stay there.

Is that okay?

Would you rather I book you a hotel?

Yes, if that's what Joe wants, I'll go straight there.

All right, okay.

Listen, sending lots of love, okay?

Okay, bye bye.

What's going on?

My dad's died.

What?

Yeah, so, I've got to fly home.

I'm sorry.

I'll drive.

No, I want to drive, I wanna keep busy.

All these butterflies.

Sami.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

And that's Ithaca.

Let's come back another day.

Yeah, we will.

I'm gonna go get my bags.

I'll give you a call.

Be strong, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

That's me.

I'm coming aboard.

I don't love your mother.

I'm going to the airport.

Yes, sir.

How long does it take?

45 minutes approximately.

It's a bit windy.

And you're blown away.

Oh, wow.

Oh god.

How do you think?

I've missed you.

I've missed you too, oh my goddess.

Very nice to see.

So, how have you been?

Oh, it's been a bloody long journey, I'll tell you that.

An Odyssey.

I didn't know Greece was so big.

It's over now, you're home.

It's good driving a car.

Don't you normally?

No, I do not.

He doesn't let you.

It's not a question of letting me drive.

He likes to drive,

Its nice to be in the driver's seat

I let him drive.

Fair enough.

I like to drive, I like to be in control.

You got your hands at 10 to two that's good.

But, no, you can follow the line, the racing line.

You brake into the bend, accelerate out.

You're glad I'm here, 'cause you get to drive.

Yeah, 'cause I'm the boss.

I am glad you're here for a multitude of reasons.

It's strange to be without the kids.

Welcome to my world, is not you know.

You had a hard time.

It is hard, you miss the kids, yes,.

I don't apologise for that.

No fun and games.

No, it's mostly fun and games.

Poor Steve, its awful to lose your dad.

Amazing, natural bay.

See why Odysseus wanted to get home, can't you?

- Look at that. - Yeah.

We should come back here when I'm in my 70s.

And I'm in my 60s?

I think in all likelihood and please don't take this

the wrong way.

I do think by then I'll have married again,

I live down the road.

Yeah.

And I'll be with a pilates instructor in her mid...

Very live.

Oh very live, yes

- Very flexible. - Very bendy.

A broad minded and now you'll have my money.

- Good. - So it's not all...

It's not all doom and gloom.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You'll have a nice place down in Toquay.

Or here.

We're no not if I'm coming.

I wouldn't come here if you were here, would I?

I'd want to come just me and Consuela.

Hi darling.

- Hi. - Hello.

How are you?

Good, how are you?

Yeah, we're good.

- Hi, Chloe. - Yeah, we're both here.

Mommy's here, she's arrived.

Yes, Penelope how wonderful to see you again.

Gosh gotta get in a marital bed after all these years.

Penelope is not a very sexy name, is it?

Then I should call you Penny, Money Penny.

Is Sally a sexy name?

I'd say so, I like Sally's very sexy.

I'm sure she's sexy actually.

Very, very sexy, sexy Sally.

Thank you.

Very difficult to share your information.

Your information?

No, I'm from Edinburgh, or you shared your information.

No, I'm from Edinburgh, all right.

- I can see... - Please stop talking.

It's time to begin, right?

All goodness me.

I wonder what I left my phone.

When I make love, I make love for queen and country.

You know I admit, making love to you, would be, pleasure.

Hey.

Are you all right?

Yeah, are you?

Yeah.

I'll take that.

You got here quick.

Yeah.

Do you need a cup of tea or anything?

Yeah, thanks.

Mum says, you can have the spare room.

Great, good.

I'm sorry, I wasn't here.

That's okay.

Were you with him?

Yeah.

Hello Steve.

Oh, hello.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Thank you.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

It's strange being back here after all these years.

Yeah, I bet it is.

- How are you? - I'm good, yeah, I'm good.

Thank you.

Hey, it's time to go see granddad, at the undertakers

Do you want me to come with you?

No, I'll be fine.

You'll stay here till the funeral, won't you?

Well, thank you.

Quite jagged on your feet.

He wept, as he held the wife he loved,

sole discretion in his arms at last.

Joy, warm is the joy

felt by shipwrecked sailors, as they sight land.

Joyous too for her, the sight of her husband,

vivid in her gaze.

So, wide arms, embracing his neck, would never let him go.

I'm doing Anthony Hopkins.

I know.

I do love you.

You know that.

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