Original subtitles

'Oh, experience has taught me everything I know.

'Erm, I'm not educated.

'I left school when I was 16.

'Had to. You can't go to school when you're married, can you?’

I've been married

more times than you've had hot dinners.

Why? Well, because she's just one of those people

who just doesn't feel complete

till she's attached to somebody else, I suppose.

And, erm, till she met me...

(Laughs, snorts) she, erm,

she'd made some pretty bad choices.

- In the face, screaming at him. - Oh! Right, so...

OK, Gary wakes up in the morning and this girl says, "You raped me."

He goes, "I don't know what you're talking about."

- But the point is... - He's so pissed,

- he could have done anything. - Exactly.

He could be accused of anything. He wouldn't know what the (Bleep)...

Whether he'd done it or not. I think that's a great story.

No one else does what she does - acting and exec-ing.

Not as effectively as she does it, anyway.

How do I, how does Ros, respond to that?

- She condemns it. - Does she? Why?

- She assumes he's guilty. - Why would she assume that?

- She's obliged to explore... - He's a student.

She's half in love with him, for God's sake.

The point we shouldn't forget, of course, is that Gary really has raped the girl.

- Right. - Obviously it is a quandary for her.

Yeah, oh, obviously, yeah.

She's got this way of looking at you when you're with her,

when you're acting with her.

You know, it's like you're the only other person in the world,

well, in the room.

She walked in my surgery and she had no front teeth.

She was like this.

I'd had both my front teeth knocked out.

And it was...love at first sight.

He did a really good job, too. Look. Look.

I used to have a big gap there. Look.

It's like, she's really sexy.

I know she's a lot older than me and everything, but...

She's really intelligent as well.

She's a lucky woman.

Her marriage is the exception to the rule.

We've been married 15 years now, so, erm...

No, 16!

Course. Aw.

(Means)

(Gasps)

(Groaning)

You, erm...

You better go away.

Do you want me to suck your balls?

Later.

- Good night, Beth. - Good night, love.

- Night, darling. - (Women) Night.

- Going out tonight, Jerome? - Erm...

Got a lift, Jerome?

You're in the people carrier with Stephen and Brian.

Why not come with me? Travel in style. I can drop you off.

- Are y-you sure? - Sure I'm sure.

What are you lot doing tonight?

We're meeting in the Sound House about 10.

All right.

Anyway, the vicar's daughter comes in and she's got these huge tits.

The WI are there and she bends over to pour the tea

and the tits flop out, like this.

The vicar's wife goes,

"Oh...e—everybody, come along.

"Come to the window. There's a lovely View."

So all the Wls all go over and look out of the window

and there are two dogs shagging on the lawn.

- Right, I'd better be going. - Yeah.

- All right, then. - Take it easy.

- OK, don't stay out too late. - No.

Don't shag anybody I wouldn't shag!

He is such a pretty boy.

- Hung like a donkey, apparently. - (Laughs)

Do you fancy a kebab, Ernie? I do.

Night, Ernie. Love to Janice.

James?

James?

I hope I'm going to find you stark bollock naked somewhere

with a huge, huge, h...

What's the matter?

- Beth... - Is it my mother?

- No. - What, then?

Oh, God.

James?

- Shit. - Excuse me?

There isn't an easy way to tell you this...

- You're ill? - No.

- I'm ill?

Oh, I think you'll just have to spit it out, love.

What, you owe money?

We're bankrupt? You've remortgaged the house and spent all the money?

James, honestly, it doesn't matter.

- Nothing's so bad that we can't fix it. - I've been having a...

a relationship

w-with one of my patients.

And the press, this journalist, has got hold of it,

and i-it's going to be spread all over the News of the whatever tomorrow.

And you're gonna find out, so...

- A relationship? - And the...the thing is...

The thing is, she...this, erm...

My... Sh-she's had a...

baby...and, erm...

Sh-She's... It's not...?

It... It is. I-It's mine, so...

- And, erm... - A baby?

And now it's happened, now it's out and now you know.

Oh, and th-the thing is, I'm going to go

and, erm...

live with h-her and... and the, erm...

erm, baby.

- Are you? - I know, I realise...

- When...? - ..it's a shock.

- So, 80...? - And I'm sorry.

I am...l am sorry.

When...?

I mean, when did she have...this...baby?

I don't want you to imagine that there hasn't been a day...

When did she have the stupid, shitting baby?!

- Just over five years ago. - You mean, months.

No. He started school last week.

Did he?

Oh, God.

- I'd, erm... I'm going to wake up in a minute. - No, Beth.

Do you know, I don't think... I don't think I'm here.

- Wh-Where's Jessica? - She's, erm...

- I don't know. Does she know? - No.

- I bet she does! - No.

Five years?

- You shit pot! - Ooh! Beth!

You 0...!

Five years?

Five years.

Beth. Beth.

N-No, Beth, not that. It's Hans...

Clayburn!

- No. Now, look, that's... - What does she look like?

- That's not. Look, let's not... - She cannot be better in bed than me!

- That's not something we should get into. - How old is she?

- How old is she? - That isn't any...

How old is she?!

Right. Good. Fine.

OK, that's it.

Get out.

Will you... Will you be all right?

What a stupid question.

Leave the car keys!

It is, erm,

Iegally...officially r-registered in my name.

- Paid for by my company. - O-Of which I'm a director.

I think you'll find that only dentists who remain happily married

to international superstars can afford to drive Aston Martins.

(Chatter, music)

(Woman moaning)

(Woman) Beth?

(Beth mumbles)

Beth?

- Beth. - Oh, God!

Ernie's going to be here in five minutes.

Oh, God!

Beth.

- He's left me. - I know.

- He's buggered off. - You told me.

- Did I? - I'm so sorry.

- You knew. - I didn't.

If I'd known, I'd have told you.

- Do you want me to leave? - You leave? God, no. Why?

- I'm his niece. - No, this is your home.

Don't be silly.

- Why don't I ring in and tell them you're ill? - No.

That does not happen.

Oh, shit!

How can he do this to me?

- Nothing? - Nothing.

- Nothing. - Nothing?

Apparently.

- Late night? - Oh, yeah.

(Sighs) I think you might have to whip out the haemorrhoid cream, darling.

- Oh, God, I'm old. - No, you're not.

- You needn't be. - Oh, no, I've been there.

- Done that once. Had the injections. - When?

Oh, I can't remember. A few hundred years ago.

Maybe there comes a time when you've gotta do it again.

- I hate all that, needles. - Beth, you're a Taurus, aren't you?

That's me, kid.

- "Mars is rising..." - Ooh!

"Resist the urge to jump on the bandwagon.

"Find the strength to sympathise with those others have condemned."

- That's more like Ros. - What is?

In the show. Ros has jumped on the bandwagon, condemning Gary.

- I know. And it's so wrong. - I think it's wrong.

- To be honest, I wasn't convinced either. - Ros wouldn't do that.

- No. - She'd believe Gary. She'd sympathise.

She'd get him off the hook, even if he had raped Lauren.

And then - do you know what I think?

- She should shag him. - Well, that was my gut instinct all along.

- With respect... - Jane, darling, look...

The storylines were agreed. You were there.

Come on! Only because that bloody lesbian, Annie,

was running rings around everybody with her PC bollocks.

Jane, Janie, Jane, people want Ros and Gary to get together.

Five series. They've been waiting for five series.

Beth, with respect, Gary is 22,

Ros is 50...odd, nearly.

- So? - So there's an age gap

of over 30 years between them.

You couldn't smell a good story if it crawled on your face and puked up your nostril.

- Why would a boy...? - No, I'm sorry!

I am sick and tired of these double standards!

Why is it that no one bats an eyelid

when some fat, old, bald 60-year-old man

is shagging some skinny 12-year-old bimbo?

But when you turn it round the other way,

it becomes something horrific!

What if Ros gets him off the hook?

She says to him, "If I get you off the hook, you must do anything I ask.

"One thing, you have to do for me.

"If it's within you power, you must do it."

- And? - And that one thing is...

she wants him to make love to her.

- Why? - Because she's always fancied him.

And because she's not feeling particularly attractive just now.

Ros isn't as young as she was. She's on her own.

And forcing some hapless 22-year old rapist to shag her makes her feel better?

- We should embrace complexities. - It's illegal.

She his lecturer. She's his pastoral supervisor. She just wouldn't do it!

It just gets better and better.

OK, change of plan. We're going to be shooting scenes 6-12, 6-17 and 6-32.

- (Woman) Why? - They're rewriting the script.

- They're changing the end. - How come, Karen?

Erm, Ros is going to get Gary off the hook and then she'll shag him, apparently.

OK, come on, guys!

(Man) One on the left.

And one right up your nose.

(Means)

There.

You've got nice hands, haven't you?

What do you inject them with - embalming fluid?

Have you ever thought about something more permanent?

What, like concrete?

No. Surgery.

- Will it make me look 17? - Well...

- Why would I want to look 17, anyway? - Oh, some women would.

Some women are nuts if they think you can make them look 17.

No, I like the idea that some of me face looks like it's still alive.

How does your husband feel about it?

Oh, he's all for it.

Yeah.

(Bleep)

(Creaking)

(Doorbell)

(Child) Who is it, Mummy?

Can I see him, please?

He's in the garden.

Thank you.

I'd understand if she was younger and more attractive than me, but she isn't.

Well, she is younger. She's 45.

Well, she looks older.

Well...

Anyway...

I want you to come home.

No.

You can't want to live in a semi in Ashford.

Nobody knows you've left - I haven't told anyone. Neither has Jessica.

What about St Lucia? It's all booked, it's all paid for.

I've been looking forward to it for months.

We could still go.

You'll cope.

Yeah. I'll cope.

Course I'II cope. I always cope.

Have to, don't I?

(Knock on door)

- Ready for your sex scene, Beth, love? - Aren't I always?

- Mm? - Oh, yeah. Thanks.

- (Assistant) Flashing. - (Camera whirrs)

Have you ever seen Don't Look Now?

- That one with... - Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie.

- Mm. - Big sex scene

and it's rumoured that they actually did do it.

- Yeah? - That's what they say.

- What, on set? - So they say.

What?

- What? - Nothing.

What?

No, you wouldn't dare.

Why wouldn't I? I would if you would.

342. Take 1.

And action.

(Sighs)

Oh.

(Meaning)

(G roans)

- (Man) And cut. Wonderful. - Oh.

(Knocking)

Come in.

No, don't. No, don't.

(Beth) Hold on. Hold on.

(Gasping, laughing)

- Night, Ernie. - Night, doll.

(Groaning)

Come back to my place.

Where? What about your James?

Who?

(Muffled moans)

(Panting)

(Fawlty on TV) 'You vicious bastard! Come on!

'Oh, my God...’

(TV stops, knocking on door)

(Muffled groans)

(Panting)

Fancy three weeks in St Lucia when we finish filming?

- Five star hotel. Club Class flights. - You serious?

Yeah.

Hang on a minute! What about...?

Are you not going with your James?

- (Knocking on door) - (Jessica) Beth.

- Beth? - What does she want?

Oh, Jess, hang on a minute, babe!

There's some police downstairs.

Beth Craddock?

Yes.

Is your husband James Daniel Dunbar?

Yes.

(Woman) Perhaps you should sit down.

- There's been an accident. - Oh, God, no.

A road traffic accident.

You're gonna have to be very brave, love.

He was pronounced dead at 23 minutes past nine.

- Here y'are. - Thanks.

Are you going to tell her?

I'll tell everyone who needs to know.

I, erm...

- I didn't realise any of this. - No, well...

- No reason why you should have. - Beth didn't want anyone to know at work.

God knows why. They'd all find out one way or the other, wouldn't they?

- I do think you should let that woman know. - Do you?

- I know... - Why the hell should I?

I mean, why the bloody, sodding hell should I?

It's up to you.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to.

She could always stand at the back, I suppose.

We have entrusted our brother James to God's merciful keeping.

We now commit his body to the ground.

Eaflh to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life

through our Lord Jesus Christ.

I really did love him, you know.

I know you did.

(Jessica) Spike swallowed something but the vet said he'd be OK.

Jane met with the network - they've said yes, yes, yes to a sixth series.

- Great. - They do have to wait for viewing figures.

And somebody from the Beeb to ask if you'd go on Woman's Hour.

- They're doing an item about bereavement. - Great.

- We've got some news for you. - What's that?

We're gonna get married.

Will he be faithful to you?

Ah! That's the big one, isn't it?

Will I be faithful to him?

You know he's had everyone on the crew, don't you? Including Jason.

- Yeah, according to Jason. - I wouldn't be surprised.

Neither would I.

And this is the man you're going to marry? Sorry, boy.

Oh, he's a man, babe, believe me.

Something's happened between us and...

I don't know, I just...

I'm happy.

And I want you to be happy for me.

Jess?

I'm going to make Jerome a director of the company.

Are you? Why?

Tax.

So, he'll have no artistic influence over what goes on?

Well, he might. I mean, he'll be more interested than James was.

What about me?

You? What about you?

You know I want to be more involved in the company.

- You know I want to produce. - I know but I told you, it's a tax thing.

- I might move out. - Oh, Jess, don't be like that.

Annie's asked me to move in with her.

Annie?

Why Annie?

Work it out.

You and Annie?

- But she's... - What?

- Well, she's old. - She's three years younger than you are

and I'm two years older than Jerome, so...

Sorry, can I get this straight? You have been wriggling around with...

- She likes me. - I bet she does.

And I like her.

- Do I look all right? - Fantastic.

- Shit. I'm shaking. - They'll be more nervous than you.

It'll be a novelty having a mother-in-law younger than I am.

- God. - Hiya.

- Hello! - Hello. Come in.

Everyone loves the show. People are always asking about it.

Can I top you up, Beth?

People get so excited when they know.

They say, "Are you Jerome's mum?" and I get their life story.

- Same at work. - Everybody.

Look, I've got some news...for you.

- (Father) Have you? - Yeah.

Erm...

me and Beth are gonna get married.

- Beth who? - No... Me.

We've decided to get married.

(Knock on door)

- They hate me. - No, they don't.

No, they do.

- So what? - She's thinking...

By the time he's 40, she'll be in her 708.

I will be a geriatric. Doesn't that bother you?

He'll come to his senses.

No, it doesn't bother me for a tiny, single, split second.

She's older than I am.

I'll be 70

and you'll be 40.

You'll have nubile 17-year-old girlie-wirlies slavering after you,

dying to get into your knickers and I'll be incontinent.

I've been there. I've done it.

I've done it a thousand times and it bores me stupid.

I don't want them. I want you.

I want you.

(Sighs) God, I want you so much.

I am not standing

in a church or anywhere else,

- while she... - (Low banging)

(Panting)

- Wow. - You're not supposed to see that.

- What you doing? - Working out.

Why? Life's for living, not worrying about dying. That's all that is.

Do you think it's easy getting into a dress that size?

- Where shall I stick my gear? - In the wardrobe through there.

(Coughs)

Erm...Beth, baby!

Oh, it's the end one!

It's James'.

Oh.

Royal jelly? What's that for?

Oh!

It keeps you supple!

Does it?

What do these Smarties do?

Gives you energy!

Oh.

Fybogel - what's all that about?

Er...

It keeps you regular.

Anusease?

- What's that for? - Oh.

No.

It's for wrinkles round your eyes!

What's these garlic capsules do?

Make you fan?

No. They're just for your skin. You know, your complexion. That son of thing.

(Excited chatter)

(Cheering and whooping)

Shh! Thank you all for coming. It's very nice to see you all

but I am not gonna make a speech because Beth is.

(Cheering)

Listen up!

Hey! Whoo!

All my husbands,

bless 'em,

told me I had the best whathaveyou that there is going!

It must be true cos I've had that many, I can't remember.

All shapes and sizes.

But...this one, my little chucky egg,

he's the best by along...

- long... - (Raucous laughter)

..long...way!

So who am I to begrudge my chamber of Venus to a likely lad?

Here's to Venus for lust

and here's to Mars for courage.

- Never love in moderation. - (Guests) Hear, hear!

Yeah, that's my advice to you.

No, that's my advice to you all today.

So...stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

(Laughter, cheering)

If I'd known we were being invited to an orgy, I'd have stopped in Burnley.

And what the hell was all that about her Venus flytrap?

It won't last. You watch.

- How was the honeymoon? - Fantastic.

Great! Right, well, the news is good, on the whole.

They've commissioned a sixth series. They're very happy.

They're happy with the storylines, with the general feel and style of the show

and thrilled, absolutely thrilled, with your performance.

However, and it's a big one,

there's been a dip in viewing figures. Across the board, not just us.

And there are one or two issues,

well, one issue, that we need to address.

Jerome.

Jerome?

They want us to consider...

dropping Jerome from the show.

- Consider...? - Dropping Jerome from the show.

- Yeah. - But why?

That's ridiculous. He's incredibly popular.

- Yep, the thing is... - He's the reason people watch the show.

- No, you are. - Well, yeah. Me and him.

No. You are.

They had some research done, some figures,

showing that his popularity isn't what it was.

What if we say no to the network?

You know the score as well as I do.

- What if I refuse to do a sixth series? - Well, that's...

That would be unfotunate...for all of us.

But people love him.

Why?

Interesting that your popularity has gone up over the same period.

Maybe people admire a mature woman who can pull a 22-year-old boy

but not a 22-year-old boy who sleeps with someone older than his mother.

Maybe they don't trust his motives

or maybe they think he's just a bit...

sad.

Who knows?

(Whispers) Shit.

Sorry... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

- Is that what people think? - No.

- Is that what they say? - No!

Who said it, then?

Some people at the network hinted that might be the... Possibly. (Coughs)

If I do a sixth series, I want blood, do you understand me?

I want 40k an ep, minimum.

(Chatter)

Series six, eh?

- Do you know what, though? - What?

I don't think you should do it.

- What you on about? - It's not in my interest to say this, but...

You must know this. You're treading water.

- Am I? - I think you're bored.

Bored. Bored out your tree.

Last series... Yeah, sometimes.

And when it gets to that stage,

you're not doing the show any favours

and certainly not doing yourself any, either.

Did it show on screen?

Sometimes.

Nobody out there noticed. I don't think anybody else on the production noticed.

But now that I know you like I do,

I think I could see it in your eyes.

- I'm sorry.

I don't want to influence you either way.

No. God, I want you to.

It's just that...

I don't want you to get to the stage where you can't move on.

Cos that happens.

And it ain't good.

- I can't abandon the show. Jane'd kill me. - Jane's a professional.

She knows the score. She'd be happy for you.

Honestly! She thinks the world of you.

A few years' time, she'll show off about having known you.

"I gave him his big break."

But it's got to be your decision, though, Jerome.

- (Whistles) - Hiya.

How'd you get on?

- Fine. - Did they offer you the pan?

No, they said they'd be in touch.

- Did you read well? - Perfectly.

Fantastic.

What d'you think you're doing?

(Singing quietly)

- Jerome. - Hiya.

A few bits and pieces I never collected. Beth said it was OK.

- Yeah, course. - How's things?

- Well, I just did another audition. - Any good?

Who knows?

- You've got a great attitude. - Have I?

A lot of people find it hard not to take these things personally.

- They shouldn't... - Take what personally?

..but they do. What happened.

It's so good to come across someone who gets on with their life.

I really admire you for that.

What did happen?

You're making it sound like I got kicked offt'show.

What?

What?

- Thanks, Ernie. Love to Janice. - I will.

Night.

(Loud music)

(Music stops)

What's going on?

I were listening to that.

- Jerome? - I said I were listening to that!

(Music on)

Jessica came.

- And...? - She told me stuff about t'show.

- What stuff? - About me being axed.

Right, OK, Jerome...

Watch my lips. You were not axed from the show.

- I was gonna be. - Yes. But you resigned first.

- Why didn't you tell me? - I wanted to protect your feelings.

What am I, a kid?

Well, yes, actually. You're young, you're vulnerable.

- I didn't want you to get upset. - I am not a kid!

I make my own decisions. You don't make 'em for me.

You need to calm down. You need to sit down and we'll talk...

If you treat me like a kid, I'II act like one, all right?

- Jerome, you're drunk. - And you're old and fat!

You're the only person I know who puts pile cream on their face as well as their arse.

What, can you not tell t'difference?

And is it true people think I am some son of sad git

because I married someone old enough to be me granny?

And they think you're cool cos you married me.

Oh, Jerome. Look, nobody can predict audience reaction.

Is that what you were told?

The bottom line is you shouldn't stay in one place too long.

Is that what you were told?

Yeah.

You've used me.

- What? - You've been around, you know t'score.

You proposed to me. You seduced me.

- You did everything. - That is just rubbish!

You knew I loved you, so you just bloody used me!

- No. - No? Well tell me you love me.

- I do love you. - Properly.

- I just did. - You're acting! You're pretending!

You're so bloody good at it, you believe your own shit.

Well, if that's what you believe, you can get out of this house now!

Fine.

- Jerome... - Suits me.

Jerome...

What are you doing?

I'm packing. I'm leaving.

- I did not use you. - I have seen the light in the nick of time

cos d'you know what? You are old. You're past it.

Shit knows what I saw in you. I must've been mad!

Now, don't say stupid things.

You'll die lonely, on your own,

old and ugly, sitting in a stinking pool of your own piss.

- Is that right? - I am not sticking around to watch.

- You're not leaving me. - I am. I'm sorry, love,

you're gonna have to find yourself some other sad tosser to latch onto.

Shouldn't be that tricky, should it? Managed it 75 times before.

- Wonder what type you'll try next? - There isn't gonna be a next one, Jerome.

I want you. I love you. You're not leaving me.

It's what it looks like to me!

You're not leaving me.

- Move.

- Move! - You're gonna have to make me.

I shouldn't have hit her. See, I was drunk.

Didn't know what I was doing.

I love her, I've always loved her.

(Man) '..the discovery that unravelled the secret of life.’

Thank you.

Well, somebody to see you, love.

Hiya.

- Er, can I make you a cup of tea, lovey? - No, thanks, erm...

- Right, I'll just be through here, if, er... - Right.

What you watching?

Nothing.

How are you feeling?

Dunno.

She's dropped the charges.

She wants to see you.

It's OK.

Beth?

Oh. Gorgeous.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

- D'you hate me? - No.

- Can't hate me more than I hate meself. - I don't hate you.

- Why didn't you press charges? - Because then you'd hate me.

I don't want you to.

I will never piss you off again.

I'll do everything you tell me to. I'll be...good.

I don't care about acting, I don't care about being famous.

I...I don't care about anything.

I only care about you.

Promise me you won't go away again.

I promise I won't go away again.

Promise me you'll never leave me.

I'll never leave you.

- Did I do that? - No. I've had some work done.

- What work? - When all this is healed, I'll look about 18.

That's what they told me. They're lying, of course. I'm hoping for 27...ish.

Well, 37, maybe.

Why?

For you. I don't wanna look like I'm your... I'm your mother.

- But I liked the way you were. - I was old.

You were perfect.

Kiss me.

You will still look like you, won't you?

I mean, when they've finished.

(Laughs)

Who the hell else am I gonna look like?

Oh, Jerome, Jerome, Jerome.

He was too young.

Bless him.

Bless his head.

But, yeah, I mean, we were compatible.

Deeply. Definitely.

Yeah. But...

you know, in the end, it was an age thing.

Life has dealt her a very mixed bunch of crappy husbands, it's true.

But you've gotta hand it to her - she never stops trying.

She never gets put off.

Oh, yeah, we keep in touch.

He's in Los Angeles.

He's working in a...club, I think,

or a bar or something.

She still has this unswerving belief

that one day she will find Mr Perfect.

She's invited the Women's Institute round for tea.

So the vicar's daughter - tits - comes in and she's pushing a tea trolley.

She's got this very low-cut dress on

and she bends over to pour the tea

- and her tits flop out. - (Laughter)

The vicar's wife says, "I've gotta create a diversion."

She goes over to the window and says, "Everybody, look, it's such a lovely View!"

Everybody rushes over

and there's two dogs shagging on the lawn.

(Laughter)

- Night, Ernie. - Night, doll.