Original subtitles

* Take the heat

* Take it

* Ahh

* Come on

* You say that life Makes you crazy *

* That nothing Ever goes your way *

* You say you want, You say you need *

* But you don't Know how to play *

* Oh, oh

* Come over here, Get the message *

* Just take it One step at a time *

* Can you take The step *

* Nobody told you Life was fair *

* If you can't Take the heat *

* It's not The place to be *

* If you can't Take the heat *

* Then you don't need To be with me *

* If you can't Take the heat *

* Then what are You doing here *

* Oh, don't you get it

* Get serious, Stop pretending *

* You know it's time To face the truth *

* What you want, What you need *

* Is a change Of attitude *

* You better change it

* Uh-huh

* Let's turn it up

* Feel the pressure

* This time we're gonna Take it all the way *

* So no more Playin' cool *

* Ya know ya

* You can't stop, You can't stop *

* Wah wah oh

* If you can't Take the heat *

* This is not The place to be *

* If you can't Take the heat *

* Then you don't need To be with me *

* If you can't Take the heat *

* Then what are you Doin' here *

* Oh oh oh oh oh

* Oh oh oh oh oh

* Did you get it

* Take the heat

* Take it

* When the temperature Gets too hot, don't stop *

* You gotta turn it up

* Have you got the stuff To be tough enough *

* You gotta live it up

* Come on, live it

* Up

* If you can't take, Take, take the heat **

(sizzling noise)

Your resume's quite extraordinary, Miss Grant.

Thanks. I know I can be an asset

to Vetrocon Aerospace.

Since you were a UCLA cheerleader,

you were probably a Trojans fan.

The Trojans are USC's team.

I'm a Bruins fan.

Of course. I got it confused.

And I imagine that, uh, with your good looks,

you were quite popular in school.

Don't judge me by my looks,

but by my skills.

I'm a Phi Beta Kappa in electrical engineering.

Very well, Miss Grant.

Your father, was he in the engineering field?

You could say that.

He was a mechanic at Sears.

Very good, Miss Grant.

I have no further questions. I think that...

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I have a few more questions.

This isn't part of the interview process, Mr. Smith.

I'm sure she doesn't mind.

Do you?

Of course not.

Fine.

Now, then, Miss Grant,

I'm going on a business trip to California.

Could you recommend a good sushi bar?

I've been so busy with my studies,

I haven't had time to go to bars.

And I don't drink.

At sushi bars, you eat raw fish, Miss Grant.

Raw fish, Mr. Smith?

Have you ever heard of heavy metal?

Of course.

It's a catalyst for plutonium bombs.

Not quite.

We're talking about rock 'n' roll here, Miss Grant.

You know... Punk rock, new wave.

Have you ever been aerobicized?

Slam danced?

Do you listen to a ghetto blaster, watch MTV?

Give me five.

I don't understand.

Of course you don't!

You'd better have a good reason for this.

The FBI will ask more and tougher questions.

(Speaking russian)

Miss Grant.

You have broken the first principle

of our training.

Always, always, speak English.

No matter what.

Play dumb if you have to,

but don't drop your cover, ever!

I hope you've been listening.

All of you have trained for years,

but one slip-up... It's all wasted.

Thank you, Mr. Smith,

for your mysterious demonstration.

I'll take over from here.

Beyond the doors of this classroom,

there's an exact replica of an American town.

It's perfect in every detail,

except it's in the Soviet Union.

There are residents who have lived as Americans

since this town was built.

See how they live. Study them.

You all have your living assignment and job placements,

so go get moved in.

I know about that.

I'm making a point about the town.

All right, Comrade Smith.

What do you suggest?

I'm going to bring in experts on American culture

and give this town the facelift it needs.

Take your glasnost back to Moscow

where it's so popular.

I absolutely forbid it.

Jones, you don't understand.

Comrade Smith is in charge now.

Look, Jones,

I've been to America.

America isn't like this anymore.

Where's your MTV?

Your punk rockers?

Your Rolling Stone Magazine?

Fuel-efficient cars?

My job was secrecy,

not dressing this place up with the latest trends.

If you know so much about modern America,

you teach them.

We're Russians.

We don't think like Americans.

We don't have the American attitude.

Regardless,

when these agents complete their training,

I'll return and evaluate this town.

If it hasn't been updated to my satisfaction,

my orders are E.N.D.

Evacuate and destroy.

Good luck, comrades.

I've been doing this for a long time.

And unlike you, I know what I'm doing.

I'd rather see this town destroyed

than turn it over to you.

It would be better if we worked together.

You don't need me.

Go out and find your experts.

You've got a problem, talk to me.

Don't be ashamed.

This is New York.

People get in my cab, they open up.

They let me know what's going on.

I took you to the China Club,

the Red Parrot, and the Palladium.

Shut up and stop the cab.

* Stand up, Stand up

* Walk proudly And don't creep up *

* Walk tall with Your head held high *

* Believe in yourself Till the day you die *

* Positive is how You should live *

* Be willin' to take, But not illin' to give *

* A bad attitude Don't get gratitude *

* You ain't That bad, dude *

* Quit actin' rude

* Yo, everyone Should just get along *

* Havin' fun while they Sing our songs... **

What are you looking for?

None of your business.

I'll know when I see it.

So, does this buy me a table inside

right now?

I don't hear so good.

Yeah? Well, maybe this will improve your hearing.

Nah, it's still fuzzy.

Yeah? How about this?

Loud and clear.

You asked for it.

Best table in the house.

What is this shit?

Idiot!

Don't be a tough guy.

Settle down. Lighten up.

Theme night didn't stop that other place

from going belly-up.

They should have done it more.

It's probably why it failed.

I'm tired of being a dishwasher.

You think I like cleaning up puke?

That's exactly my point.

Let's quit, find real jobs,

and forget about opening a club.

You know what your problem is? You're still P.O.'d

that I blew your dad's money on the club.

For the record, you mentioned it.

Fine.

Not fine.

Not fine at all.

Is that how you handle everything?

What's going on?

Denise?

Denise?

What the hell is go...

We've been robbed.

Look on the bright side.

None of the stuff in this apartment was yours anyway.

What's that?

It's, uh, from Denise.

Give it.

I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

You know what bothers me

more than her leaving me,

taking the furniture, or anything?

She wrote it on toilet paper.

That says something else entirely.

Travis, Denise was always a narcissistic,

manipulative, emotional terrorist.

Back off, Wendell.

Look, I still love her.

I don't appreciate that kind of talk.

Let me explain how it works.

You like her, I like her.

You don't, I don't, either.

Just tell me how you're feeling,

and I'll play along.

You're all right, Wendell.

I'll tell you that right now.

You'll never meet another girl like Denise.

She was everything a man could want.

Now that she's available,

could I have her phone number?

I've been attracted to her for a while.

I don't want to seem paranoid,

but this cab's been following us

since we left your apartment.

Yeah? Hey, come here!

Come on!

Okay, pal, what's up?

Hello, fellas.

My name's Bob Smith.

I'm opening a club, and I'm interested in you.

For what?

To manage my club.

Eat me.

Go.

Daryl's trying to bust us.

I told him I wanted my own club.

This guy's a phony.

Daryl's bright enough for this?

Let's play with him.

Oh, yeah? A club sounds great!

You sound sincere about this.

Could you tell us about it?

I understand your being skeptical,

but just hear me out.

Shall we?

I have nothing better to do.

Cool.

So, tell us.

That's just the start-up money.

The salary is $1,000 a week.

Each? Each.

Room and board is free.

What about wheels?

Uh, well, you'll both be big wheels.

You'll run the place.

No, a car! Transportation!

Oh, wheels!

Oh, wheels. Yes, of course.

Yes, yes, you'll have wheels.

The last thing is simply that

you need to leave by plane

before dawn.

Wait. Leave by...

this place isn't in New York?

Try it for a week.

If you don't like it, you can come back.

Where is this club?

The idea is to bring New York-style clubs

to the Midwest.

The first one's opening in a small town...

Indian Springs, Nebraska.

Cool.

Fine. Thank you.

Corporate jet, man.

This how we should be treated.

I've never seen this much caviar in my life.

Maybe this guy's legitimate.

Did you bring the music?

It's in my suitcase.

(Speaking russian)

(speaking russian)

Hello, boys.

How do you like the champagne?

The Dom outdid himself on this batch, huh?

To the future.

Yeah.

To the future.

(Dream music begins)

(speaking russian)

What are we doing

in Wally and the Beav's bedroom?

Weenie wear!

Shit. Shit.

Did we die, Travis?

Did our plane go down?

We can't be dead. We just got up.

Well, then where are we, huh?

Mr. Know-Everything- About-The-Afterlife.

Who put us in these clothes?

I didn't dress myself in these pajamas.

Somebody put me in them.

Maybe it was a chick.

You probably got laid and didn't know it.

What are you talking about?

It was just the big zonk combo...

Altitude, alcohol.

Total brain shutdown.

Then we couldn't get up.

They limoed us to this house.

Then they bedded us down.

I remember this.

Paint by numbers.

Yeah, well, look.

I'm going to get dressed

and get out of here.

This room's giving me the creeps.

What's shaking?

Aah!

Well, Betty,

it looks like we'll need some more breakfast.

Need a hand?

No, I'm fine.

We don't need any breakfast.

A cup of bean juice is all we can handle.

Coffee?

Oh.

Wendell and Travis, this is my wife Betty.

How you doing, Betty?

These are our two children Billy and Kathy.

Don't worry, kids,

I'm only here to drain the blood

from your parents' bodies,

then I'll return to Transylvania.

I'll bet you're wondering

how you got here.

We figured it out.

What's with this town?

What?

What makes it ready for a hot night club?

Be nice.

Well, I think I know

what this town is ready for.

Everyone works for dad.

He's the president of Vetrocon Aerospace.

So you're into that star wars thing.

Is that what you're looking for, a futuro theme?

That's up to you.

It's an open ball park.

What's that?

What?

This?

It's a Walkman.

You've never heard of a Walkman?

Mr. Smith, you got to

get these kids out to the city.

That's very good.

Well, I'm off to work.

I'll meet you at the courthouse

right after lunch.

Then we'll see the club.

Where's the courthouse?

It's by the clock tower.

Clock tower?

By the courthouse.

Bye-bye.

Here, kid. Blast off.

(Rock music plays)

Let's check out the town.

Mrs. Smith? Yes?

Enjoy the kids.

They grow up awfully fast.

Thanks. Bye. Bye.

(Humming)

Well, thank you.

Pleasure, Thelma.

What do we have here?

I don't know.

* Just another little Speck on the map *

* But folks Who come from here *

* Know where it's at

* A stop on The greyhound line *

* The stores Are closing *

* When the sun Goes down *

* The horizon ends At the edge of town *

* And that suits us Just fine *

* Oh, we like it That way *

* In hometown, USA

* Ain't no big-city Thrills *

* And no city fear

* You don't need it

* If you can't Get it here *

* Even if you Leave us behind *

* Your heart will stay

* In hometown, USA *

Who's winning, guys?

The checkers, I think.

You look like you know

what goes on here.

What do you do for action?

I'm painting the porch this weekend.

That's something to look forward to.

Got to sand first.

Well, don't overdo it.

Where can you get a good burger here?

Beef Burger Boy is the best in town.

Well, where is it?

Okay.

Now...

you'll go this way...

uh, you see that picket fence down there?

Yeah.

You go down that picket fence...

oh, ignore the picket fence.

Put it out of your mind.

Go on beyond there, and you go, oh...

about a block...

Okay.

Maybe a block and a half.

Right there you turn right.

No!

You turn left.

Go straight.

Well, you go straight ahead, then,

and, uh...

it's, uh, well...

it's over in there.

You can't miss it.

You can't miss it.

You can't miss it.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Okay. See you later.

Should be easy to find.

Yeah, straight, left, right, whatever.

Americans!

Here in the most secret KGB complex in the world!

You're insane! Jones, relax.

They don't know where they are.

What do you think?

I feel like I'm trapped inside my television,

and the dial's between Happy Days and The Twilight Zone.

I know, I know. It's the kind of place

I should have grown up in.

Well, that's exactly my point.

30 years ago, you could have grown up here.

I just got off a plane from New York where it's almost 1990.

Here it's the 1950s.

So?

So maybe this is what

the rest of America's really like,

and it's not ready for a hot night club.

Look at this place. Where are the video stores?

How come nobody's jogging?

What about our trainees?

What will they think?

They'll think they're special agents

sent here to test them.

I'll only keep them here

until graduation,

then I'll send them back

the same way they came.

They're not particularly bright.

They'll have no idea where they've been.

What if they do find out?

Then they will be terminated.

Good day, colonel.

We should report this to Moscow.

No. Let's give him enough rope to hang himself.

Think this is it?

Subtle.

Closed?

Sorry. Closed.

For lunch?

Lunch break.

You don't serve lunch?

We're closed. We open at 3:00.

That's lame.

Sorry.

What are you eating?

Can we have some?

We're starving!

Forget it.

What's that?

What?

In your hand.

What, this? It's nothing.

I saw it.

It's a pack of sugar.

Let me have it.

We'll share.

Oh!

That's good.

That's good!

Let's get a cup of coffee.

Well, fellas...

this is it.

It's been closed for some time now,

but with a little spit and polish...

It's good.

We check out the competition,

and then we see the real club.

There's money for remodeling.

Any money for a live fish?

Wait a minute.

Is this the real club?

Yes, it is.

I love it.

You know what it is?

It's... it's... okay...

it's Hawaii, and it's the Jetsons.

Look, look, look.

Here's the Jetsons,

and there's Hawaii.

I think Smitty's right.

With some spit and polish,

I think we can fix it up.

Look. Look at this old thing, Wendell.

Tie a Yellow Ribbon.

I haven't heard that in years.

God.

(Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree plays)

Fellas, this may not be what you expected.

You can remodel however you like.

Oh, we can?

Oh, Mr. Smith, thank you. That's terrific.

I know.

Let's get a nice big outrigger.

And, uh...

and we'll get about 50 savages.

That will be nice, huh?

We can have a pig roast on the beach!

Look. Moonwalking.

(Music stops)

What? What?

I'm out of here.

I should have never let you eat that sugar.

Mr. Smith, don't worry about him,

and us.

I'll see you at dinner.

All right.

Oh, Travis.

I almost forgot.

Our deal was 1,000 a week for yourself?

1,000 big ones for me,

and 1,000 for Wendell.

2,000 big ones.

Aw, come on, buddy.

We'll fix this place,

get a new sound system,

redesign the place.

There's a lot of stuff we could do,

but nobody will come.

This Smith guy's obviously out of his mind.

Consider this a day trip to the other side

and go home.

Wendell, we're staying.

You stay. I'm going back to New York.

Go back to that little room

over your father's garage.

Travis, go to hell.

Screw you!

Drop dead!

Fine!

Fine!

Operator. May I help you?

Collect call to New York.

New York?

New York city.

Number please.

212-555-4736.

He's placing a call to New York.

Route it through one of our satellites.

Of course I'll accept the charges.

Mom, it's me.

(Voice in russian)

what's that funny foreign language on the line?

I don't hear anything.

Mom, look,

I've decided to come back,

but I'm short on cash.

(Father's voice) What happened, Wendell? You screwed up again?

You'd better find a job.

Look, I didn't call you.

Take off that goddamn earring!

Oh!

Why don't you watch where you're going?

Why don't you lighten up?

You walked into me.

* Why do birds

* Suddenly appear

* Every time You are near *

* Just like me

* They long to be Close to you... **

You're back.

Yes. I am back.

You want to know what happened?

What happened?

My best friend, he deserted me.

What?

Went back to New York.

That's brutal.

I know.

Want to know what else happened?

No.

No?

What's that?

Lunch.

What is it?

This?

It's pigs' feet.

Mmm.

Mmm.

You having one?

They look tasty, don't they?

Mmm.

Bon appetit.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Travis.

Travis, listen.

I took a little walk.

I took another look around this town.

It's not all bad.

I think I'm going to stay.

You're staying?

All right. Deal's on.

There you go.

A thousand big ones.

Why?

Well...

I believe in this, Travis,

and I believe in us.

And I met a girl.

You met a girl?

Yeah. I did.

She's a hathead, but she's real cute.

See? Stick with me.

Wendell, I am really sorry

about blowing your dad's money on that bar.

I'll make it up to you.

You better.

Travis, we're going to transform this nightmare.

This could be the biggest,

baddest club opening ever.

Mick Jagger gonna be there.

David Lee Roth gonna be there!

Princess Stephanie gonna be there.

Andy Warhol...

he ain't gonna be there.

I found one great song.

Remember this?

(Jet roars)

* Flew in From Miami Beach BOAC *

* Didn't get To bed last night *

* On my way

* The paper bag Was on my knee *

* Man, I had A dreadful flight *

* I'm back In the USSR *

* You don't know How lucky you are, boys *

* Back in the USSR

* Been away so long

* I hardly Knew the place *

* Gee, it's good To be back home *

* Leave it till tomorrow To unpack my case *

* Honey, Disconnect the phone *

* I'm back In the USSR *

* You don't know How lucky you are, boys *

* Back in the US

* Back in the US

* Back in the USSR

* The Ukraine girls Really knock me out *

* And leave The west behind *

* And Moscow girls Make me sing and shout *

* But Georgia's always

* On my Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mind *

* Yeah-eah

* On my mind

* Whoo

* Whoo-oo

* Yeah

* On my mind

* Yeah, I'm back In the USSR *

* You don't know How lucky you are, boys *

* Back in the USSR *

Thanks for coming by,

and we'll talk to you later.

Next.

Excuse me.

I believe I was next.

Hear you're looking for people.

I'd like you to hire me.

I like your outfit.

Put that together myself.

No?

Get out of town.

Next. Next.

Hold it.

You guys don't get it.

I really want to work here.

But...

you're a reverend, reverend.

Why would you want to work in this place?

Because, brothers,

the sinners are everywhere.

Ohh.

Well, that's basically what we were counting on.

Next!

Hold it. Wait a minute.

I was here first,

and I demand consideration!

Look, first of all,

you were not here first.

Second, we did consider you,

and we consider you to be too intense.

Okay? Next.

Oh.

Oh, I'm too intense.

Thank you for dropping by.

No wonder why so many are leaving the church.

A brother. All right.

I'm here to apply

for the bartending position.

Blood!

Ab-positive.

Nathan Cole.

Your middle name wouldn't be King by any chance?

Oh, I get it.

You mean Nat King Cole.

Mona Lisa.

Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer.

I'm not him.

Well, do you have experience bartending?

No, but I have a degree in chemistry,

so I'm familiar with mixing things.

Well, Travis?

You're hired.

You guys aren't hiring me

just because I'm black, are you?

Yes.

Great.

If you work for us,

it's a little different

than your other job.

We'll want you to actually be helpful.

Why do you want this job?

Well, I've been the grill man

at Beef Burger Boy for 12 years.

I'm in a career slump.

I'm looking for something...

a little more my interests.

Are you drunk right now?

Now?

Yeah.

Yeah. A little.

You see, it's my birthday again,

and the guys decided

to take me out for a couple of beers.

He's honest.

I don't want to see any more people.

I'm tired, too.

Okay, Gil. You got it.

Notoriously beer-oriented.

You got the job!

Really? Yes!

That's great.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

These chairs are really uncomfortable.

They were a mistake. I'm sorry.

It's like sitting on a three-legged dog.

People will be dancing, not sitting.

Hello, boys.

How are we doing?

Is there anything you need,

anything I can do for you?

Yeah. Find a 2 x 4 and bat these people

into the latter half of the 20th century.

He's right. It's depressing.

They don't know what VCR's are,

compact discs, or music videos.

These people are so hopelessly out of date,

that it's downright un-American.

Tell me something.

If we had these things, would that help?

The key to modern America

is Japanese products.

I think it would help.

We should bring that stuff into this town.

We could open various shops with different Japanese...

I'll think about it, Travis,

but for right now,

let's just concentrate on the club.

So long, fellas.

Have a seat, Miss Grant.

I have an assignment

that is your chance to remain in this program.

I will do whatever is necessary.

Good.

Hi.

I'm looking for Travis and Wendell.

Uh-huh. Well, that's us.

Oh. Well, I'm Thelma Lewis,

but you can call me Aunt Thelma.

Everybody in town does.

I hope you will, too.

Some of us ladies did some baking

to help get your business

off to a good start.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

It's lots of food.

This is just the first batch.

We got lots more.

Well, good luck with your opening.

The place looks... nice.

Let's go, ladies.

Bye.

Pies?

Who eats pie in a nightclub?

This pie's really good.

It sure beats Polynesian food.

(Disco music playing)

Putting all this food out here

was a terrible idea.

What could I do,

tell them to stuff their cakes and pies?

Nobody's dancing.

This place is a bust.

We're open two minutes,

and already it's a bust?

This thing's turning into a church social.

You are so negative.

What...

The sheriff.

I'll get the kids.

Mrs. Smith, sorry. The kids got to go.

Why?

The sheriff's here, and we don't serve minors.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, kids, let's go.

They don't have to leave.

Sheriff, you don't mind the kids?

Not if they save some pie.

Maybe it's a music problem.

Put on some music they can dance to.

Come on, everybody.

Yeow!

Come on. Let's dance.

Come on.

* Get up, Get up *

* Get up, Get up *

Come on. Let's go.

* Shake it up, Everybody *

* Party down

* You don't have to know The name of the song *

* Just get up

* Move your body

* Party down

* Move around

* Circulate

* Imitate your partner, Feel the beat *

* Can't defeat the groove

* Party down

* You gotta take it closer *

* To the heart You'd like to meet *

* Make your body move

* You can do it

* You can dance

* You can do it

* I know you can

* You can do it

* Here's your chance

* You can do it

* You don't have to know The name of the song *

* Just get up, Everybody *

* Party down

* You don't have to know The name of the song... *

Okay, that's...

Nathan.

It's on the house.

I'd rather pay for it myself.

No, no. I insist.

So do I.

Please.

No.

Look, it's my club.

If you don't let me buy you a drink,

you'll insult me.

I said I didn't want you to.

* Everybody

* Party down

* You don't have to know The name of the song **

Is this a joke?

Does anybody here know how to dance?

I know how to dance.

* Pump it up

* Pump it up

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* Lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* Just like that

* Pump it up

* Pump it up

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* Oh, baby

* Pump it up

* Pump it up

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* Early In the mornin', babe *

* Pump it up

* Or you can Do it at night *

* Call me In the evening time *

* Pump it up

* Pump it up

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* Whoa-o, early In the mornin', babe *

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* Just like that

* You can lean on me

* You you you you Can lean on me, babe *

* You can Lean on me, babe *

* You can Lean on me, babe *

* You can lean on me

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* Pump it up

* Pump it up

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* Pump it up

* Pump it up

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* Yeah, you can Lean on me, baby *

* Hey, hey

* Go south

* Pump it up

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* First thing in the mornin' *

* At night

* In the evening, baby

* Just about Any time of day now *

* I'll be waiting By my phone *

* Call me up

* Call me up

* But call me up In the mornin'

* Ohh-oh, Call me up *

* Call me back In my apartment *

* I'll tell you That I love you *

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me Early in the mornin' *

* I don't believe That you heard me, babe *

* Pump it up

* Pump it up

* Pump it up, Homeboy *

* Just like that

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* You can lean on me

* Just like that... *

what's your name?

Bonnie. And yours?

I forgot.

It was nice meeting you.

Wend... uh...

Wendell, put on that, uh,

put on the house music.

No, no, no. Billy, Billy.

You don't catch the ball with your face.

You catch it with your hands.

You ever seen a football game on TV?

Um... I think so.

It's no wonder his parents don't dance.

Can I talk to you?

You guys go practice for a while, okay?

I thought about what you said... About the... goods.

Let's bring some in. Can you make a list?

Aw, gee, a list. I don't know.

I don't know.

Wendell?

We'll have one tomorrow night.

Perfect.

Oh, Smitty!

Your boy's quite an athlete.

Yes, he is.

You see those kids?

No.

Can we have the ball?

(Horn honks)

Bonnie!

All right!

Yeah.

You're so tastefully underdressed.

I was hoping we could spend time together.

Really? You want to play football?

Give me five.

All right.

Now, shirts and skins.

You're skins. You got less to take off.

All right?

You know there's tackling involved, okay?

Then we exchange body parts.

I'll make the passes.

You're the wide receiver.

I hope I'm good.

Trust me.

Picked you some flowers.

Really?

Aren't the guys usually supposed to do that?

* Sherry

* Sherry baby

* Sherry

* Sherry baby

* Sherry

* Baby

* Sherry baby

* Sherry

* Can you Come out tonight *

* Come, come

* Come out tonight

* Sherry

* Baby

* Sherry baby

* Sherry

* Can you Come out tonight *

* Come, come

* Come out tonight *

(speaking russian)

Bob Smith.

We speak English here, captain.

How do you do, Bob Smith?

What is this place?

This is your new home.

Ha ha. My home?

You flew into restricted air space.

I did as ordered.

I brought cases of medical products.

I don't want to hear about this no more.

I get on my plane and I get out of here.

It's too late, captain.

You flew in, but you can't fly out.

Was it because I stole?

Sorry?

Here. Take these back.

Please.

What's this?

Why, condoms, of course.

Ribbed.

The girls, they...

they think I'm quite a guy.

Fine.

Take him away.

Bob, I did nothing wrong.

I did what I was ordered to do.

I bring you these things.

No, no, no! Don't...

Those boxes go in that truck!

Travis looks on me as a guru.

Closing time.

Yeah. We're out of here.

This has been the greatest little

coffee klatch of my life.

I like you.

And, um...

I was wondering if you wanted to...

Um...

Well, you know...

If you don't want to...

How about tomorrow night?

How about for the rest of my life?

H-hey, we're over here!

Oh, boy, you missed me.

Ha ha ha ha!

I'll get you.

Ha ha ha ha!

Good morning, Travis.

How you doing?

Good.

What's with the TV?

How come you only get one station?

You either get old movies or cartoons.

No commercials.

Don't you have any networks?

Actually, no, we don't.

But I've got some good news.

The goods are here.

Great.

They should be in town sometime today.

Betty?

Where's my wife?

She's supposed to make me breakfast.

Smitty, let me talk to you about your wife.

When was the last time

you really had a decent conversation with her,

one where she could express herself?

Excuse me?

You see, I think women like change,

especially married women.

If you don't watch it,

they start to watch Oprah Winfrey,

and, phshew... they leave home,

out on an adventure,

all by themselves, without you.

Trust me.

I've been there.

I'm not sure I follow you.

I guess it's this born-to-be-wild syndrome.

That's, maybe, what I'm really trying to say.

Every woman has a part of her

that's born to be wild.

Hmm.

WENDELL: Ta-da!

Miss Betty Smith.

You like it?

You look fantastic.

I do feel different.

See? It's that born-to-be-wild deal.

You like my hair?

I just...

You do?

I left something at the library. We should get it.

Come on, Travis.

Don't be a peeping tom.

I like to watch.

Come on.

"Unified remote,

"one year, four-event timer,

random access tuning..."

Cool.

God, I've always wanted one of these.

I don't need you anymore.

I can play this myself.

Go ahead and play with yourself.

What's this for?

Well, it's a massage.

It's a popcorn popper!

I want this and that.

Honey, don't be greedy.

I, I want this.

Smitty!

Hey, Smitty!

Are you giving this away?

Yeah.

Travis! Travis!

It's a promotion, Travis.

We're doing this to promote the club.

It's what you wanted.

Let me give you a lesson on promotion.

You sell a $600 VCR.

You give away a $5.00 nightclub ticket.

You dig? You dig!

All right. Look.

Let's talk about this entrepreneur thing.

I thought the whole purpose of this town was to defeat

the materialistic, capitalist lifestyle

that Smith's experts are now infecting the town with.

So what's your point?

Well, no point. Just an observation.

Keep your observations to yourself.

* Once I see what I want

* I can't wait For invitations *

* If you run, That's half the fun *

* I trace your footsteps One by one *

* 'Cause

* I like to get

* What's hard to get

* I like the ones

* That don't know love

Travis, you know something?

What?

It's working.

Hey, Mr. Negative took a holiday.

I know it's working.

Look at my girlfriend.

She is so hot.

Oh, what? Mine's not?

* The farther You run away *

* The more I want you

* I want you Here with me *

* Yeah.

Hey, Nathan.

You dance good.

You mean dance well.

Well, pretty good.

Try this.

Where did you learn that?

I was a regular on Soul Train.

Get it?

Soul Train.

I thought it was funny.

* I like to dance *

(laughing)

That club was popping tonight.

Ooh.

You were so great the way...

you danced with me tonight.

Really?

I guess I was, wasn't I?

What are you doing?

You know what I'm doing.

Oh, that.

Ooh.

You like to take control, don't you?

Ooh! Hoo!

Is this girl terrific or what?

Nice driving, Travis.

Yeah, buddies.

What's the big celebration?

Did Sparks die?

The 4th of July.

We have speeches by town leaders,

and our annual picnic, and our annual concert,

and the annual fireworks display.

What kind of concert?

Marching band.

They're not bad if they're sitting.

That's a blast.

They could play 76 Trombones,

and we could twist.

No, they'll be playing Sousa.

For the twist, you need Chubby Checker.

Yeah, Nathan, is there a lake or someplace

we might actually have a good time?

We have a lake. It's off-limits.

Private property?

Forget it, we'll crash it.

(Horns honking)

Hey, Gil, come on.

Hey!

Hey, everybody!

Let's have some fun!

Hey, come on!

* The day is over

* Your work is through

* You sit at home

* Wondering what You're gonna do *

* Do the couch potato

* And watch MTV

* Get your rest, Count some z's *

* Tell me, What's it gonna be *

* When your Tinglin' toes *

* Tell you what You want to know *

* Try to get ready

* As your feet Begin to shake *

* 'Cause it happens Every time *

* That feeling races Up your spine *

* You have Made up your mind *

* To party big time

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Party big time

* Before you step out Into the night *

* Ah, you gotta be sure That you're doin' it right *

* Party big time, There's just one trick *

* You gotta Look hot, yeah *

* You gotta be slick

* Grab your darkest shades And your favorite hat *

* 'Cause you know What it means *

* To party big time

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Party big time

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Party big time

* Yeah, big time

* Say it again, Come on now *

* Big time

* Everybody party big time **

You told them not to go to the lake. They went.

They broke the town's perimeter.

They've been there six hours.

They're partying, they're having a great time,

and they're making fun of us.

When will we do something?

Tonight.

What are we going to do about them?

Get rid of them.

Tonight?

Okay, I'll handle it.

Oh, they like fireworks?

We'll show them fireworks.

All right, give me the bomb.

The bomb.

A bunch of dynamite taped together.

A clock, some wires.

Anybody got anything like that on them?

I want it done right... aah!

Ow! Oh, the bomb.

The bomb. Oh, it's okay.

Oh, ow.

Right on the temple.

We're out of beer. Should I run to the club?

No, I'll go. You take over.

Yeah, I'll go with you.

What do you do?

You're doing fine. That's great.

Hey, this is fun.

Watch this. This is great.

They're having fun.

I think we're doing something good.

But why does it take them so long to learn something?

It's weird.

I've never spent so much time

teaching someone to throw a Frisbee.

I don't know anyone who pees as much as you do.

You're like a little kid.

"Stop the car. I gotta go."

Get off my case. You're peeing, too.

I'm only because you're peeing.

There's your 4th of July barbecue.

Holy shit, what happened?

It blew up.

Why?

I don't know.

Well, now what do we do?

I guess we walk.

Wendell, we can walk the same way.

Okay.

Come on.

You and your astrology.

We've been lost for two hours.

First of all, it's not astrology,

all right? It's... never mind.

I don't understand this.

The town is north of here,

and I'm following the north star. At least,

I thought it was the north star.

(Voices)

Shh, shh.

It's a car.

(Woman speaking russian)

Doesn't that strike you as odd?

She's speaking in Russian.

That ain't Russian.

That's what Bonnie did

when I popped her hood.

Some sort of kinky Nebraska thing.

Popped her hood?

Yeah.

There's a fence. There must be a farm nearby.

Which means there's a phone.

(Speaking russian)

What is this place?

Look at those signs. They're in Russian.

Those are Russian Army uniforms.

It's probably the Salvation Army.

Does that look like English?

Do those look like Salvation Army uniforms?

They're putting an English sign on.

That's even worse. Don't you get it?

(Speaking russian)

Smith.

God.

We got Russians in Nebraska,

and Smitty's one of them.

He duped us. Damn!

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

I'm sitting down. I'm tired.

I'm taking a rest.

Is this a joke?

No.

It's not funny, Wendell.

There's Russians here. We got to tell people.

We can't tell anybody.

What do you mean?

Indian Springs is in Russia.

What?

These people don't know anything

about modern America.

There's no network television.

They didn't know how to use Frisbees.

You got us sent to the Soviet Union,

you stupid shit.

Don't call me a stupid shit.

Who else would give two idiots a night club?

Oh, now I'm an idiot.

It's no time to get sensitive.

We're behind the Iron Curtain,

you mindless pinhead.

Wait a minute, what did you call me?

I don't know, Travis.

What did you say?

It doesn't matter, okay? We're in trouble.

Pinhead! You called me a pinhead!

Bingo, pinhead.

You fuck, I can't believe

I let you ruin my life.

Bring up your daddy's money.

You brought it up. It's you.

You can't even fight.

You fight like a girl.

Let me lead.

Why are we laughing?

Because we're trying to kill each other

and we probably won't get out alive anyway.

That's not funny.

No shit.

That's why I'm taking charge.

You're taking charge?

You bet.

Okay, Mr. In-charge,

what do we do now?

Huh?

Well, um...

go to town?

Okay.

All right, come on.

This is the plan.

We'll go to Bonnie's for a car.

Let's get a limo.

Cool idea.

Travis, we need a map.

She knows the way.

You think she won't turn us in?

What we have is real.

Look, Mr. Bond,

I don't want to insult your masculinity.

(Car drives by)

I don't want to insult your manhood,

but maybe she was faking.

No way.

Go see Bonnie. I'll get Jill.

Can you trust Jill?

Shh!

Can you trust Jill?

There's a look a woman gives a man

when she really loves him.

She gave it to you?

Yeah.

Let's see.

What?

Let's see the look.

No.

Was it like this? Was it like this?

I'll meet you here in 15 minutes,

or in prison in Siberia.

Yeah, right.

Oh, Bonnie.

You're not going to believe this.

You are not going to believe this.

Are you sitting down?

I don't know how to tell you this,

but we ain't in Nebraska.

We're in Russia.

Mr. Smith conned us. This is a fake.

This town is fake.

We've got to get back home.

We don't have much time, either.

Get ready. Come on. Come on.

Wendell and I saw this big camp

with all these Russian sold...

We could shoot our way out, but...

I am required to terminate you.

Bonnie, look, it's no time for sex games.

The gun, it's an exciting touch,

but there's no time.

I am a KGB operative.

I was assigned to be your girlfriend.

I'm now assigned to blow your brains out.

No shit?

No shit.

That was a surveillance camera. We were monitored.

Even when we...

Yes.

Can we get tapes?

If I see you again, I'll shoot to kill.

Deal.

Wait a minute.

You love me.

I may have been an assignment,

but you love me.

Don't you?

Yes, I do love you.

You mean you really are American?

Uh-huh.

I can't believe Jill turned us in.

I thought we had something.

And she gave you that look.

How could I be so stupid?

Wendell, I've been thinking about something.

Now, we've had a good life, you know?

So what if it ends in a Soviet prison?

I mean, you know, it could be worse.

It could really be worse. Just think about it.

I'm just going to try and go to sleep.

And when I wake up,

I'll be back in New York

at my parents' house.

And this will all have been one long,

psychotic dream.

(Pounding noise)

Great, now we've got rats.

Big ones.

(Speaking russian)

Come in.

It ain't much, but we'll share.

You're Americanyas.

We used to be.

We're guests of the Soviet Union now.

At least you got a window.

You should see the hole I was in.

Call our travel agent.

Yes, we requested that.

You Russian?

Latishe.

Captain Yuri Kuznets, Latvian Air Guard.

Wendell Atwill, class of '81.

Wendell.

Oh. Travis. Dropout.

So what are you in for?

Stealing condoms.

What sort of monsters would incarcerate a man

for stealing a rubber?

You know,

I've had many days to think about this.

I have a theory

that this place is some top-secret

military infestation,

or perhaps underground,

where people are bored

and need American-style recreational devices.

You're wrong.

This is a spy school.

Wait. What sort of devices?

Stereos, TZ's, compact dicks,

naked women, movies, you know...

the life of luxury.

Listen, I delivered a planeload

of these goods into this place.

Don't.

What is this, piss?

Did you deliver those goods to a Mr. Smith?

Bob Smith. Yes, that's him.

And my reward is getting thrown into this stinking hole.

(Speaking russian)

Gesundheit.

You must be a pilot.

Da.

Know where we are?

61 degrees north, 130 degrees east,

near Yakutsk.

Is that near anyplace we've heard of?

Hmm... 80 miles from Sea of Japan.

Japan?

Sushi.

Geishas. Is that where you got your haircut?

Nyet.

This town, this entire class of trainees is ruined,

spoiled by American materialism.

What are you doing? This is my house.

Hey, that's my water pik.

Oh!

We shall send the trainees

back to Moscow for retraining.

This town will be evacuated and destroyed.

What the hell are you doing?

That's ours!

That's my tape, and that's my robot.

Another KGB mess we have to straighten out.

General, wait, please.

I know this is my fault.

You can't destroy this town.

I'm not worried about the trainees.

The residents, this is their home.

They can't just adjust back to the Soviet Union.

Please, wait. Just give me a chance.

I know a way to remove

the influence of the experts.

Comrades.

You may not know this,

but Travis and Wendell are real Americans.

They were brought into the program on my authority,

and now they have something to say.

Wendell and I have a little announcement to make.

After serious thought...

and consideration,

we've come to a decision.

We are both defecting to Russia.

Yes, um...

we're, um...

capitalist pigs,

and up until a few moments ago,

bent on dworld dwomination.

World domination.

What did I say?

You said dworld dwomination.

Look...

America is screwed up.

It's, it's, um...

it stinks.

It's pollution.

It's pollution.

I can't. I can't.

Think about the alternative for a second.

Okay.

How about giving us a hand here, folks?

Uh...

thank you.

We're supposed to be betraying our country.

It's a deal we made with these guys.

If we convince you that we hate America,

we get to live,

maybe start a club in the gulag.

Get them out.

We're dead anyway, so I'm going to say something.

We do not hate America, okay?

Actually, we love it.

You won't understand, because you're Russians

pretending to be Americans.

So why should you understand

or even care about us?

But we trusted you.

Not as Russians or Americans, but as people.

They didn't know you were Americans.

They thought you were KGB testing them.

That's enough.

You're right.

There's something I want to say.

Sit down. Shut up.

No, you shut up.

Yeah! Yeah!

Go ahead, Gil.

Okay.

I was born in this town.

I drive a Chevy and watch The Honeymooners.

I don't know if I'm American, Russian, or what,

but I'm not watching my friends get shot.

That's two of us.

You people seem to be operating

under the illusion that you are in America.

You are in the Soviet Union.

It's about time that Russians

begin acting like Russians.

We've been pretending we are Americans

for over 30 years.

We don't want to return

to a collective in Minsk

or Ironworks number 129.

We like it here. We really do.

I don't know about everyone,

but I want my stuff.

Sit down, or you'll be shot.

Jones, don't be stupid.

Why shoot them?

They haven't done anything wrong.

Neither have Travis and Wendell.

Up until yesterday, they thought

they were in Nebraska.

I brought them here,

if anybody should be shot, it should be me.

I couldn't agree more.

You fool!

Hey, that's mine!

It's okay.

It's okay.

Z.Z. Top.

A hell of a way

to deflect a 9mm slug, huh?

All right. Travis, Wendell,

I'm going to need your help.

We've got to get out

and cut off communication to Soviet Air Command.

How do we get out?

We've got a pilot and a plane.

Get the pilot out of jail.

He's got a flat hair thing.

Come on.

Let's go.

(Speaking russian)

Gate! Open the gate!

Open the gate! Aah!

Okay, we've overthrown our leaders

and put them in jail.

(Gunshots)

Wait a second.

Where are we going?

The airport.

Where's that?

Let's find Yuri.

Give me this gun.

This is a man's job!

Travis! Travis! Give me that.

Try this. It's easier to control.

Nice shooting, cowboy.

Get these people on a bus

and get them to the airport.

This will hold till the airport.

What about the guards?

No sweat. It's in the bag.

Okay.

Wendell, come on.

This isn't going to work, Yuri.

I'm just much too masculine.

I don't look like a woman.

You need to be well hung,

like Russian woman.

How's this?

Nyet, nyet. Too small.

Great.

How about now?

Oh, that's good.

Thanks.

That's enough, Yuri.

Okay, now. Get ready. Be cold.

(Speaking russian)

I say put Mr. Jones back in charge.

Obviously, I'd be second in command.

This Smith guy has no idea

what's going on.

Shut up. To the airport.

Let's stop them.

Great. I break you out of jail... wait!

(Speaking russian)

(speaking russian)

(speaking russian)

What is that going to do?

It's antifreeze.

All right, move it. Move it.

Wendell, why are you wearing a dress?

It's a new thing for me.

Take it easy. Watch that bottom step.

Come on, hurry.

I'm so excited.

We'll be in America.

We'll find an apartment, and we'll get married,

and we'll make lots of babies.

Travis?

What are you doing? We're leaving.

I've got to move the fuel truck.

Yuri! Wait!

Okay, here we go!

Travis!

Wendell!

Yuri!

Yuri, stop the plane!

Oh, shit!

Yuri! Wait!

Come on!

Come on!

Hurry, grab the ladder!

Grab my hand, Wendell.

Let's go!

Hey, boxhead,

thanks for waiting.

You told me to go.

Stink! We got problems.

What's the matter?

Take over. I must go outside.

I can't fly.

Just steer. I'll be back in a minute.

I do this all the time.

Excuse me.

Jesus Christ, he jumped out of the plane.

Shoot that man.

Time to help out.

I suppose you've flown one before.

Yeah, sure.

Take over.

It wasn't exactly a plane.

It was a spaceship.

What?

Remember that video game?

That's great, Travis.

Aah! Aah!

(Yelling russian)

Uh-oh.

We're almost out of runway.

Nyet!

I can't steer this thing!

Let's put this puppy in park

till Yuri gets back.

Aah!

We're in the air, you jerk!

Aah!

Don't touch anything!

What you call me?

I called you a jerk you moron!

What's happening in there?

Nothing.

Sit back down, Travis!

No. You apologize.

Okay, I'm sorry I called you a moron,

you brainless pinhead!

Pull it back!

Ouch.

Travis...

this is it.

Aah! Aah!

Thanks.

This will not look good

on your record, Jones.

My record?

I'm not going to take the blame for this.

Someone must answer for it.

Thanks. Thanks for stopping for me.

I could have been killed.

Great, you've let them go.

The Kremlin's going to have

somebody's head for this.

Five minutes to international airspace.

What will we do with them?

They can't stay at my place.

* Come on.

Well, Travis,

everybody's certainly getting adjusted.

The state department's being very cooperative.

So you're coming over to this side, huh?

Let me put it this way,

there's a time to talk,

and there's a time to dance.

Cheers, old sport.

Hey, okay.

Travis, Travis,

thank you for allowing me

to meet my future wife, Bridget.

What happened to the old one?

Oh, this? I wore this

to keep the chicks away.

A guy's got to sleep, you know?

Travis.

Nathan?

What it is. Ladies?

Come on and dance, Travis.

Nah...

* Get serious, Stop pretending *

* You know it's time To face the truth... **

Travis, what are you doing?

I was just getting some fresh air, that's all.

Hey, what's the matter?

I've been worried about our new friends.

You know, they're immigrants.

I don't think they're going to survive in this town.

Just about everybody in America is an immigrant

or was at some time.

I think they're better off here

than some airport in Russia.

They're not used to it.

I don't think they'll be happy here.

How can you say that?

Do you think that there's a town here

that's like the one in Russia?

Well, Travis, what do you think?

I don't know.

Hey, kid.

Keep it.

Thanks!

We're here.

All right, everybody. Let's go.

* Just another Little speck on the map *

* But folks who come From here *

* Know where it's at

* A stop On the greyhound line *

* The stores are closing When the sun goes down *

* The horizon ends At the edge of town *

* And that suits us Just fine *

* Oh, we like it That way *

* In hometown, USA

* Ain't no big city thrills And no city fears *

* And you don't need it

* If you can't Get it here *

* Even if you Leave us behind *

* Your heart will stay in hometown, USA *

* You might go away

* But your heart Will stay *

* And you'll find yourself Headin' back someday *

* To hometown, USA

* Big-hearted people With small town ways *

* Everybody here Was born and raised *

* Livin' In central time *

* Our hearts will stay In hometown, USA *

* Ain't no Big city thrills *

* And no city fear

* And you don't need it

* If you can't Get it here *

* Even if you Leave us behind *

* Your heart will stay In hometown, USA *

* You might go away

* But your heart Will stay *

* And you'll find yourself Headin' back someday *

* To hometown, USA

* Big-hearted people With small town ways *

* Everybody here Was born and raised *

* Livin' In central time *

* Our hearts will stay In hometown, USA *

* Oh, our hearts will stay In hometown, USA *

(humming)

* Ain't no fear

* You're going To like it here *

* Hometown, USA... *