Original subtitles

We were too young, weren't we?

We didn't know who we were and we both chose the wrong person.

I'm not leaving, if that's what you're getting at.

I'm not asking you to.

The kids need a father.

- I have a favour to ask you. - Name it.

Nicky...needs a push, Austin.

Get back in the Party, man. Build something up.

They won't have me.

Make them have you, Nicky.

Move in on them.

All right, feet up.

- Geordie. - Nicky.

- What's the party? - Eddie Wells got elected.

Anything to eat?

Stayin' Alive

♪ Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man

♪ No time to talk

♪ Music loud, women warm

♪ I've been kicked around since I was born...

♪ Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

♪ And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha

♪ Stayin' alive, stayin' alive...

- Geordie. - What?

- Is there something the matter with me? - No.

- I mean, am I a bad guy? - No, you're a great guy.

- Well, how come everything I do goes wrong? - It doesn't, man.

It does, man! My marriage is a total failure, my kids think I'm an idiot.

I spent 22 grand on a night club that never opened its doors.

I might as well as have just took it straight out of the bank and chucked it down the bog,

- it would have been quicker! - We all make mistakes, man.

Aw, look at those two!

- I wouldn't care, but I'm gannin' baldy. - You're not, man!

I am, man! I've got to face up to it, I'm losing my hair.

You can't tell from the front, Tosker. What about those two?

I don't know if I can be bothered, Geordie.

Pull yourself together, man!

Have you noticed how all the women seem to be getting younger?

- Let's apply the system. - Except the ones we get.

If you absolutely had to shag every woman in this room,

what's your top two?

Definitely!

- Eh, how's my hair? - Champion.

Denis

♪ Oh, Denis, oo-be-do, I'm in love with you

♪ Denis, oo-be-do, I'm in love with you

♪ Denis, Denis, oh, with your eyes so blue...

Let us out!

- Are they knocking these down or summat? - Well, the earth may move tonight, Olive.

♪ And when we walk it always feels so nice

♪ And when we talk it seems like paradise

♪ Denis, Denis, I'm so in love with you-oh-oh...

- Christ, you'd think somebody had died in there!

Ooh!

Oh, bollocks! Hang on a minute.

- Aw, you dickhead! - Gobshite!

- Compliments fly when the quality meet.

♪ Strangers in the night

♪ Exchanging glances

♪ Wond'ring in the night what were the...

Can we swap over, Tosker?

What for, like? Are you sick of my body already, Olive?

It's me, Tosker. I've got this thing about baldy men.

The National Executive would never accept me as a candidate.

If the constituency want rid of Alan Paine and select you, nobody can stop us.

The NEC can't fault us if we do it absolutely by the book.

Hiya! Done it again.

Right.

- We'll go. Hiya. - How are you doing? Hiya.

- See you tomorrow, Nicky. - Cheers, mate.

- See you later. - OK.

Is that the one you're shagging, like?

Goodness me, what a question!

- Hurry up, man.

Ta!

Here, Five Bridges, latest issue.

OK, ta.

Throw it where you throw all the rest. There's a book I want to show you.

- A book? - You don't have to read it. Call in sometime.

Geordie, man!

- Has he left home or what? - Eh, don't ask me.

- Where's Tosker? - Gone for some croissants.

Some what?

There was nothing for breakfast so Tosker offered to get some croissants.

- He's gone home, man. - Does he not live here?

- About time an' all!

My belly thinks my throat's been cut.

- Time to go, ladies. - Tosker said to wait.

Drug Squad.

- Give us a call. - Yeah.

Will do.

- You'll need a season ticket at the clap clinic. - What have you got?

Coke.

I'll take it down Monday. Call round the middle of the week.

- Can you not go today? - It's my signing-on day.

I hear your friend Barratt's back on the street.

Is he?

Good luck to him.

- I thought you were mates. - Piss off, Martin.

All right?

Don't forget that book.

It has some very interesting things to say about corrupt policemen.

Righto!

- Great!

OK, Oldfield has just left Peacock's flat. We're going to follow him. Over.

Go ahead, Conway, follow him.

Come on, you two, you're late. Hurry up, Anthony.

Give us a kiss, Bernie.

- I'll see you later. - Yeah.

Introducing her Party's manifesto, Mrs Margaret Thatcher declared...

You've just missed them.

Nah, I saw them.

I had to practically force Anthony out of the door.

Well, he doesn't like school, he's at that age.

What's the matter with Bernie?

You haven't got a clue, have you?

Where were you?

I'm trying to have a chat about the kids, so don't change the subject.

The subject is, where were you when it was Bernadette's netball final?

Oh, bollocks!

I forgot.

See, I ran into Geordie after work and we had a few.

By the time it was home time I'd had too many to drive, so...

- Tosker...don't be pathetic.

Look, I ask nothing for myself but you can't just turn your back on those two.

Eh! Now, come on, they want for nothing.

You're never here, Tosker.

For God's sake, you're not 17 any more, you're 35.

You've got responsibilities. They need you.

Need us?

Sometimes I think they don't even like us.

No, I don't think they do.

But they still need you, you're their father.

God, I've made a mess of my life.

A total, total mess.

Sorry!

Hi, kids.

Clare, you've got to share! Play nicely, or else. Go on.

- I want a divorce, Mrs Cox.

Hey, why are they boarding the flats up?

- Why? - Yeah, why?

Cos I've spent eight years campaigning to have them condemned, that's why.

Nowt wrong with mine. Best flat I've ever had.

The cockroaches moved out of yours, couldn't stand it.

I read a book once.

Biffo The Bear's Bumper Christmas Annual.

Right, this is a book about police corruption in London in the '60s.

Encyclopaedia, is it?

Roy Johnson's inquiry into the Met and the Dirty Squad connection.

There was no Dirty Squad connection, they made sure of that.

"Johnson was close to lifting the lid on the Soho rackets,

but when Cockburn announced his intention to question George Peacock..."

- Hey, am I in it? - "..he unwittingly dealt the inquiry a death blow.

Within 24 hours he'd been replaced as inquiry leader

by none other than John Salway, head of the Dirty Squad."

Yeah? So?

"It also dealt a severe blow to George Peacock, a notoriously heavy drinker

who'd become too talkative for his own good."

Well, yeah.

That was about it.

They knew I'd probably talk. I didn't really give a shit by then.

So, they stitched us up to get us out of the way.

- The inquiry was over, Geordie. - No.

It went on for months, man.

Nine months, but it was over. Johnson's report was written.

It was on Seabrook's desk well before you were arrested. Why?

I'd been having an affair with Barratt's mistress.

Oh!

He got pretty narked.

Didn't know he got that narked.

Bastard!

- This was this Julia? - Jools.

Julia Allen.

Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

So, Barratt had you stitched up because of her, simple as that.

Looks like it, yeah. Anyway, she got her own back for both of us.

She gave evidence against the lot of them.

She knew them all.

She'd been to bed with half of them in the line of duty.

- Doubt if I could have handled that. - No, nor could I.

- What, it was serious? - Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, to you, Jools...

..wherever you are.

Thanks for the drink.

Hey, why don't we go out sometime?

- Geordie, hang on. - I've got this little assignation.

- Well, actually, she's quite a big assignation. - Geordie, sit down a minute. Please.

"A postscript...

As this book was going to press I learned of the death of Julia Allen...

..whose evidence helped to finally nail the Dirty Squad."

She died in a fall from a balcony window at her home.

A jury at Southwark Coroner's Court recorded an open verdict."

Unbelievable sex.

I mean, it was...

..unbelievable.

I've never felt like that about anybody before or since.

I...

Everything made sense when I was with her.

It was the only time...I was just me, not this mish-mash inside.

Cos normally, you know, it's just a sort of blizzard, really.

And er...I don't really get it.

Don't really get what's going on.

But when I was with her, for just that little time, about 12 months...

..the blizzard stopped when I was with her.

When it was just me and her.

Oh, what did I tell you? Take a picture of that face!

No, don't, it'd smash the camera.

What's the matter?

On the scrap-heap, son.

Hello, Felix!

- Hello, Roy! - Day off?

- Aye, first of many. - Ah. Cup of tea?

How is Eddie Wells?

Wouldn't know. Never see him.

Well, we worked hard to get him elected as an Independent in '74.

First thing you knew he was back in the Party.

I always thought it was a pity men like you didn't stay in politics.

I'd nothing to offer, Roy.

Not in the world of Donohue and Connor.

I think you discovered the same thing, didn't you?

- Now what? - Nowt!

See, you went back into the polis after the war.

I should have done something like that.

I should have took a different turning.

But I came back to a young wife I'd never lived with and a bairn I'd never seen.

We needed a wage, somewhere to live.

So, I went back in the shipyards without a trade.

Now the yards are shutting.

So...that's that.

Well...you've got work to do.

If you do see Eddie, tell him if he doesn't do something about that allotment of his,

I'm complaining to my MP.

Geordie!

Don't preach to me about democracy, you jumped-up little bastard!

Cos I think this is appalling, it's appalling. If the constituency wants Nicky as the Labour...

He's your candidate, not the Labour candidate.

You are a Trotskyite, and so are you!

We are all members of the Labour Party!

- Getaway and shite, man!

Can we please have a rational discussion?

Why should we discuss with people who are only interested in power?

- None of this changes anything.

- Can we get to the point? - We live in this constituency, you don't!

Alan Paine served this constituency for 20 years.

Alan Paine's not set foot in this block of flats.

We know what you're up to! Alan Paine should be here.

- That's crap and you know it. - We all want the same thing.

You've spent five years kicking the Labour government!

We've not spent the past five years kicking anybody.

You're not an impartial observer, that's common knowledge.

- Come on! - If you put half as much effort

into insulting the Tories as you do your own comrades and the working class...

What do you know about the working class?

You're a frigging polytechnic lecturer!

Never mind all this. The NEC, Transport House, the front bench,

will not accept this man as candidate, no matter how many votes he gets.

Say that again.

If Hutchinson is selected, this constituency will be overruled by the leadership.

And that's democracy, is it?

It's fact.

- I think you're bluffing. - Yeah.

Thanks, mate.

Nicky and his pals are after de-selecting Alan Paine.

- Well, Alan's been totally useless, Eddie. - I know, I know.

He stood by for three years while they took over his constituency.

- He's an idle sod. - I know.

If they'd decided to drive you out, would you have sat back and let them?

No, I wouldn't.

No.

So what's the National Executive going to do about it?

Well, they've got three choices. Alan Paine and split the Party,

Nicky and split the Party or else...

let them come up with a compromise candidate.

- No? - No.

One, I'd never be an acceptable candidate to Nicky and the Trots,

and two, I'm not ready to leave the kids and swan off to Westminster...yet.

Tosker could take care of the kids.

Yeah, well, I told them you'd say that.

You're turning down a safe seat.

You haven't got a problem opposing Nicky, have you?

None at all, but none of this is on the agenda for me just now, Eddie.

Of course we in the Conservative Party want to win, but let us win for the right reason.

Not power for ourselves but that this country of ours which we love so much

will find dignity and greatness and peace again.

There is a cause that brings us all together

and binds us all together.

We must learn again to be one nation,

or one day we shall be no nation.

That is our Conservative faith.

It is my personal faith and vision.

As we move towards government and service,

may it be our strength and inspiration.

Then not only will victory be ours, but we shall be worthy of it.

My Perfect Cousin

♪ Now I've got a cousin called Kevin

♪ He's sure to go to heaven

♪ Always spotless, clean and neat

♪ The smoothest you'll get 'em

♪ He's got a fur-lined sheepskin jacket

♪ My ma said they cost a packet

♪ And she won't even let me explain

♪ That me and Kevin are just not the same... - Sergeant, let's do it.

♪ Oh, my perfect cousin

♪ What I like to do, he doesn't...

Who did it?

What did I say, hm?

What can I say? Whatever I say, you're not going to believe me.

Who helped her through the window?

See, what it is, Geordie, nobody...

I'm talking to the organ-grinder, not the monkey!

Look, why me? I haven't even seen her since I come out.

Well, I've seen her. I mean, she used my clubs.

I mean, she was still a good whore, you know that, Geordie.

Though I think she was on the way down when she died.

If you'll pardon the expression.

Shut up, that's not funny. Sorry, mate, no offence.

Christ, I was screwing her before you was!

Geordie, nobody killed her, nobody had reason.

We've got enough with the Bill.

We're going through a delicate period of reconstruction.

Look, mate, she was getting old. Her tits were beginning to sag.

You know what women are like, Geordie.

- Poor Geordie.

Poor Jools.

These are hard times for the little people.

♪ Girls try to attract his attention

♪ But what a shame it's in vain total rejection

♪ He will never be left on the shelf...

- Peacock!

This is the police, open up!

Open up or we'll batter the door in!

♪ He's his family's pride and joy

Give it a shove.

Put...that...down.

You see, the thinking these days is,

there never really was any organised corruption, it was just individuals.

- A whole squad? - Acting as individuals.

- This is what people have misunderstood. - I was the bagman for years.

I paid money every week here in these offices to Salway and Chapple.

- It went right along the corridor. - It was rooted out.

- They let Chapple out, he's a rich man. - A technicality.

A deal!

It's still going on, isn't it?

That's why Julia Allen was killed.

She was talking to somebody, wasn't she?

All I did was look into the circumstances of the suicide...well, the death,

and give evidence to the Coroner's Court.

There's no investigation, no scandal and that is the God's honest truth.

Why did she kill herself?

She seemed to believe she was being persecuted.

Why a window? Why not a bottle of aspirin?

Well...

You lying bastard!

Chapple was out in ten months, Salway was out in two and a half years.

I did more than that for nothing!

The people that let it happen are still here, aren't they, eh?

They're all long gone.

The Commissioner's question is quite justified.

How did this decline in our public standing happen and what do we do now?

But for my money, the answer is connected with a general moral decline

for which we may now be asked to pick up the bill.

Now, if the lady wins this election

and we are asked to deal with the consequences of past political failures,

and the signs are, as Mick says, that we are going to be asked,

then what we say to the politicians is,

"Yes, all right, we'll do your dirty work, but there's a price."

We want support, we want resources and we want hardware,

because that is what we need.

Not another inquiry into past mistakes.

Hm..

- Roy Johnson's still waiting to see you, sir. - I'm afraid he'll have to wait.

The Commissioner sends his deepest apologies for the delay. Would you like a coffee, sir?

No, thank you, Inspector.

One pair of trousers, slightly soiled.

One contraceptive sheath, unused.

Thank you. Can I take him home?

Please do, and keep him well away from that flat. It's being used by a drugs ring.

Oh, bloody hell.

Simmonds!

Babylon's Burning

♪ Babylon's burning

♪ You're burning the street

♪ You're burning your houses

♪ With anxiety

♪ With anxiety

♪ Babylon's burning, Babylon's burning

♪ With anxiety

♪ Babylon's burning, Babylon's burning...

Are you all right, sir?

- Thanks, gents.

Thank you.

♪ Babylon's burning, Babylon's burning

♪ Babylon's burning, baby, can't you see?

♪ Babylon is burning with anxiety...

Anthony, please!

I'm all right.

Just a dizzy turn.

Old age, perhaps.

You have an inquiry about corruption in the Met. I want to talk to you about it.

By all means, Roy.

We'll always listen to you.

I've just come from the Home Office.

I know. They phoned me.

I begged the Home Secretary.

I practically got down on my knees and begged him...

not to allow the Met to sit on this inquiry the way it sat on mine.

Mr Johnson, I give you my word that nobody is obstructing anybody.

The Met gave me its word nine years ago and my inquiry was obstructed.

But the Met is a completely different animal these days.

You're making the same mistake as Blamire.

You're allowing your senior men to tell you only what they want you to know.

We've got rid of 800 detectives.

I would have thought that's enough to satisfy any reasonable man.

95% of them on medical discharges and early pensions!

What sanction do you have against a detective sitting in this building with his hand on £50,000,

when he knows the worst he'll get if he ever takes it is an early pension, eh? Tell me!

Allegations of corruption are important, Roy, but it's just one of many problems on my desk.

Police officers involved in robbery and murder,

what can be more important than that?

For God's sake, you're allowing all the scum of London to point their finger at you

and say, "They're no damn better than we are"!

And what are you going to do when it starts to unravel?

Ask people to please obey the law? You've no right!

You forfeited that right years ago. You've made a mockery of the law.

In God's name, Mick, when is it all going to be stopped?

Can you call your wife?

There's been a problem on the allotment.

- And I would say this...

..if you re-select Alan Paine tonight then what you are in fact doing

is allowing the Tory press to choose your candidate for you.

Because the argument against me is that I will be attacked

because of where I stand on certain issues.

But think about it. If the Labour Party cannot have me as a candidate,

it cannot have any candidate the Tory press will attack.

Black candidates, gay candidates.

Any candidate who's ever done or said anything radical or so-called controversial.

So this constituency party has an important choice here.

It can accept my candidature by its own, free, democratic choice

or it can sit back and accept what's dished out to it by the Labour Party candidate factory,

who hate the sight of me for one reason and one reason only.

Because for eight years I've been hassling them to demolish Willow Lane flats.

And why can't they?

Because to demolish Willow Lane is to publicly admit 30 years of corrupt, lazy bastard,

Tammany Hall-style politics, where greedy men line their own pockets

and a spineless Labour MP did nothing while whole communities were destroyed

to make way for leaking, vermin-ridden, concrete dustbins, that's why!

Thank you!

All right, bonny lad? OK?

Good.

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks, mate. We'll win. Thank you.

Thank you.

As somebody said recently, the turkeys have voted for an early Christmas.

She's arriving.

Does she know I'm on the team?

Of course she does.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Conservative Party candidate Claudia Seabrook.

How nice! What a journey. Good health.

- Welcome, Claudia. - Mr Chairman, hello.

Hello, David.

Hello, Tom.

Beattie, how nice to see you again.

I hope your mother's better, is she?

Hello.

She's just like her father was.

Yes.

The Labour Party has held this seat since 1924.

Now I, for one, think that's quite long enough.

And I want you to know this: I firmly believe that this seat is now winnable by us.

Hear, hear, Claudia.

That's the spirit.

Now I know I can rely on the Party to help my campaign in a thousand ways.

I mean, of course, the Labour Party.

I also want it understood that I intend to fight strictly on the issues.

I want a clean fight,

because when I've won I want everyone to see that I won fair and square.

Thank you, Alan.

♪ Ah, freak out

♪ Le freak, c'est chic

♪ Freak out

♪ Aah, freak out

♪ Le freak, c'est chic

♪ Freak out

♪ Have you heard about the new dance craze?

Where's your mate?

What?

Lad you're usually with.

Six foot under, when I see him.

Had a bad day?

Just for a change.

Apparently my son's a juvenile delinquent.

Oh.

I'm Elaine.

Tosker.

Tosker. Unusual name.

Crazy name, crazy guy.

What's your husband playing at, letting a lass like you come here?

I haven't got a husband.

I'm a widow.

What's your wife playing at, letting you come here?

I haven't got a wife.

♪ This I promise from my heart

♪ Oh, Lord

♪ I could not love you

♪ Any better, yeah

♪ I love you just the way you are

Eh, you need your bloody head examined!

- You know the cops came looking for you? - Yeah, I've been, I saw Nicky. Sorry.

- Can I stay with you tonight? - Stay with me?

Oh, yeah, you can kip with Anthony and show him how to use an anti-tank weapon.

Sorry. Sorry about Anthony.

- Who's this? - Elaine.

- Geordie. - Geordie.

♪ I don't want clever conversation

♪ I don't want to work that hard...

- Shall I clear off, then? - Yeah, good idea.

Tosker! Course not, Geordie.

♪ Someone to talk to

♪ I want you just the way you are

- I've asked Elaine to marry us. - Marry?

- I haven't said yes yet, Geordie. - But she hasn't said no.

Does your wife know?

I've told him, Geordie, he can ask us again when the divorce is finalised.

- Divorce? - Yeah, divorce. You a parrot or what?

- Does your wife know she's getting divorced? - Pack it in, will you?

Powder my nose.

Emma

♪ We were together since we were five...

How long's this been going on?

Two and a quarter hours, but it makes no difference, Geordie.

I'm going to marry her.

I am, man.

Look, the fact he's asked to see you means he's not going to press charges.

- You don't have to worry. - What do I have to see him for, then?

To apologise, that's what for!

Anthony, everything will be all right.

What do you care? You both hate us. My dad only comes home to change his pants

and you've only got time for Bernadette and the poxy Labour Party.

I'm going to live on my own.

Why my cabin?

If you don't mind me asking.

Nothing personal?

When I was your age, a year or two younger perhaps, my mother died.

I felt so angry.

I felt robbed.

Cheated.

There was this big lad who'd been picking on me for about six months.

The first time his shadow fell on me after my mother died,

I went straight home,

I got a bloody big poker from the hearth and I nearly took his head off with it.

And that was nothing personal, neither.

My dad didn't half leather me.

Has yours?

No, we don't go in for that these days, do we?

I'm not sure what to think about that.

You had something to say to me, apparently.

Sorry I did the damage.

- I've got some money saved up, if you... - No, I want nothing at all from you, son.

Take your anger out on your football and take care of your mother, she's a gem.

Would you like to tell me what you're so angry about?

You know, there's nothing that can't be talked about.

Nothing at all.

Are you and my dad splitting up?

I think it's inevitable.

Yes.

He's only there cos he cares about you and Bernadette.

- Crap! - He does, Anthony.

In his way.

Where is he, then?

When you cry at night, is it because of me?

No, Anthony.

That's not why I cry. Not you, son.

Nothing that's happening's your fault, OK?

Why do you cry, then?

I cry because I'm lonely.

I know I've got you and Bernie, but I get lonely.

It's a long time to live with someone if it's not really working.

When he goes, you can get somebody else, I suppose.

No, I don't think so.

I'm going to look after you.

Right. Shall we get this one out of the way?

Is it true you're gay?

My er...sexual orientation is not an issue. Next question.

- Well, are you or not? - It doesn't matter.

OK. No, I'm not gay.

Now can we move on, please?

This election will be fought on local issues,

which is why it's an insult for the Tories to ship in a carpetbagger,

the daughter of a disgraced Tory grandee

passing through Newcastle on her way to a safe seat in Cheltenham.

This article that you wrote last year,

it calls for action against parliament if the Tories win the election.

Is this what's caused the trouble between you and the Labour Party?

- "Parliament's a charade"? - You're quoting it out of context.

There is no trouble between us. My candidature is endorsed by the Labour leadership.

- Then why do they hate you? - Come on, that's out of order.

- Are you a member of Militant? - Can we get to the issues?

Or else I've got better things to do than this.

So are you denying you're a member of Militant?

There's a Mrs Craig to see you.

Are you Elaine?

He's told you that much, anyway. I wasn't sure.

What do you want?

Is it true or not that your marriage is over and you're willing to give him his freedom?

- He's had nothing but freedom! - Please, Mrs Cox, this is hard for me, as well.

If Terry's lying, you'll never hear from me again.

Terry?

That's what he wants to be called, his real name.

Yes, the marriage is over.

If he wanted a divorce, he only had to say so.

- I think he's frightened. - Of what?

- The settlement. - Oh, yes!

He doesn't like being ripped off!

Well, he needn't worry.

If he wants a clean break, he can give me the house and forget about maintenance.

Or I'll buy the house off him, market price, and he can pay towards the kids.

Mary, if I hadn't have believed that this marriage was over, I would never...

I understand.

Tell him to ring me.

I want us to tell the kids together.

He can't send you to do that.

- I'm sorry. - Oh...

Don't be.

Be happy!

I've got work to do, Elaine.

- That trellis wasn't there before. - No.

- Well, I thought it looked good, like. - It does. It's good.

You've cut back the viburnia, but you've not been ruthless enough.

Get the secateurs, come on. You don't think you're off the hook yet, do you?

You're my slave until I let you go.

Shall I leave these?

You'll need them, won't you? For the kids.

Tell 'em...

You know, put the blame on me, it's all my fault.

It would be better if you could say something yourself.

Not about blame.

That doesn't matter.

They need to hear it from you.

You tell 'em.

God, I love them, you know.

Tell 'em I love 'em.

- Bernie's crying. - Oh, she'll be all right, son.

We'll survive.

Go on, son.

It's all right.

Go on, go on.

OK, did everyone get the press release about the scandal of the Willow Lane flats?

Is it right you support the IRA?

Jesus wept! Would you like to tell me where you're getting all this? As if I didn't know!

- Well? - I believe in a united Ireland.

British troops out?

Well, it's difficult to imagine a united Ireland with British troops in it. Now...

It's IRA policy, isn't it?

Look, can we move onto the issues of this campaign, please?

Housing, education, childcare, medical provision, for this community.

That's IRA policy, isn't it?

I condemn all acts of terrorism from whatever source.

Did you tell your girlfriend that when she got 12 years?

- What did I say?

Is this you, Colin?

Well, I gave it a helping hand.

That is what I'm here for.

Well, it's legitimate in the circumstances, I think.

Latest straw polls.

Hutchinson 50%, Seabrook 39%, Liberal 11%.

I find that hard to believe, frankly.

Are they ready for me, Beattie?

Claudia, we shouldn't be thinking of putting up a good show.

Central Office wants to put some big guns into this constituency.

That means they have expectations.

Hutchinson's our biggest vote winner. With what he's said and done over the years,

we could hang him ten times over.

As long as it's true, and as long as it's not personal attacks.

Of course.

- Mr Rashleigh? - Now, do I look like him?

He's out, signing on.

Hey, you lot, get off that flower bed.

I'm Nicky Hutchinson, the Labour candidate.

I live in the constituency, in the Willow Lane flats.

If you're not clever enough to get out of there, you're not clever enough to be an MP.

Will you just give Mrs Rashleigh...

If I'm elected I'll campaign in parliament for decent houses for everybody.

Can you do owt about these gypsies?

Kick their dirty arses out of it and I might vote for you.

- Well, the travellers have a housing problem. - I'm not talking about travellers, man!

I'm talking about dirty gypoes doing their business in people's back gardens.

Why don't we...

- How about a photo of the gypsy camp, Nicky? - Absolutely out of the question.

For Christ's sake, I can make a bloody fool of myself without extra help from you!

Come on, Ben.

Well, according to tomorrow's Journal,

Hutchinson 42, Seabrook 38, Liberal 20.

Well, I just don't believe that.

Oh...

I need help.

I haven't supported you because I don't believe in dumping sitting MPs.

- Paine was useless. - He was a clown.

That didn't justify the abuse you and your friends threw at him.

I live in a block of flats he helped get chucked up.

I know all about them, Nicky.

The campaign's a mess. They're all keen but...

..they're young.

Are you saying the seat could be lost?

No, I don't think that'll happen.

- What do you want? - A campaign manager, or advisor.

Which?

Frankly, I'll take what I'm given.

I'll advise you, not them. I want nothing to do with the Trots.

OK.

Your instincts are right. They've just been spoilt by incompetence.

Local issues. No more press conferences.

Get out on the knocker, stay there. I'll organise a rally, we'll round up some friends.

You should be attacking Claudia Seabrook. It's her you're fighting, not the Labour Party.

I couldn't agree more, they can't be allowed to make a nuisance.

There are special sites for them, after all.

- Can I give you a poster? - Ooh, yes.

Is there a poster for this lady?

Oh, isn't that lovely!

Oh, this is stottie cake, is it?

It's delicious!

- Yes, more of that. More.

Claudia, what do you think of Nicky Hutchinson?

She's bloody good, you must admit.

Yeah. Just needs one more big push, though.

All right, but it's your head on the block, Colin.

Fine.

- Geordie. - Nicky-o!

The cops are still calling round.

Yeah, yeah, they busted the guy I was working for.

Pity, he was the head of Drugs.

I've been with this wife I know. Just come to pick up a few things.

Look, let's get together sometime, after the election.

- What election's that? - You're never going to change, are you?

It's all irrelevant, man. Oh...best of luck, pal.

It might as well be you as anybody.

Got to go. See you, mate.

Nicky.

I'm going to clear out a few things then take off.

They don't need to bust us but if I stay they'll feel my collar sooner or later.

- Oh. Where? - London...I suppose.

- Sort of been here before. - Yeah.

Funny, innit?

Change the world this time, will you?

It fucking well needs it.

- See you, mate. - See you, pal.

Never in my political life, never in over 40 years of electioneering

have I ever come across such a concerted campaign of slurs and smears.

This campaign has been a disgrace to the press,

a disgrace to the Tory candidate and her Party...

and a disgrace to British politics!

Cheers, Eddie, man.

Thank you.

There were thousands of them. I've talked to the police.

It's illegal but the damage is done.

- It's got my address and phone number on it. - They'll put a 24-hour guard on the flat.

Where the hell does all this hostility come from? All I want to do is improve people's lives.

Hello.

Yes.

No, he's not here.

No, wrong number and, actually, you're sick.

What do you want us to do, Nicky?

What we've got to do now is hammer home what the leader is saying nationally.

We don't have to bother with Hutchinson any more.

He's dead in the water.

The candidate should talk about the sweeping changes we'll make across this country.

An end to militant unions.

An end to the dole scrounging.

Crack down on crime.

Privatisation of the utilities.

The candidate's final speech tonight should have the strength, power...

The candidate would like to smoke a cigarette. Does anyone mind?

No, of course not.

Well, carry on, Colin.

Well, I think I've said it all.

Really? You're being modest.

You haven't nearly said it all.

I've been studying some of your pamphlets from the last year or two.

There's quite a lot you've left out.

Wouldn't you like me to speak out on the legalisation of paedophilia, for instance?

Or recreational drugs, including cocaine? No?

What about armed support for the Contras and Unita?

Toll roads, electronic tagging of offenders, the return of capital punishment.

The privatisation of prisons, the scrapping of the National Health Service.

I'd like to talk to Colin and Alan.

Till tonight, everyone.

If this costs me the election, Alan,

I'll see to it that he can never show his face in the Conservative Party again.

Nothing to do with me.

You pack your bags, Mr Butler, and go.

Claudia, I think Central Office might have something to say about that.

Well, ring them. I have.

One more thing.

Fuck off, you scruffy little man, back to your scruffy little friends.

Those who loathe us will fade away.

Those who agree with us, will inherit the Party.

With one day to go, Liberal 11%,

Hutchinson 40%,

Seabrook, 49%.

Onwards!

Leave your messages here for Nicky Hutchinson.

Hi, Nicky, Alison. Just to say, if you didn't already hear it,

they announced this evening the decision to demolish the Willow Lane flats.

Well done, Nicky, you worked incredibly hard for this.

Hooray!

How does it feel to be homeless?

Well done, mate. And just to say I'm still hopeful about tomorrow,

and everyone's exhausted, but we all admire you

and we're all incredibly proud of you, and this campaign and whatever happens...

The heart of politics is people,

and how they want to live their lives.

The recovery of the country from these wasted, bitter, Labour years

will not be based on dogma... but on common sense.

People are no longer interested in which faction of the Labour Party

is responsible for this or that mistake.

This growing dole queue, that appalling block of flats.

We know who's to blame, because we have common sense.

The common sense that says that hard work should pay

and success be rewarded.

Yes...yes, hard work does pay off.

Success is rewarded.

The time has come for politicians to tell the people the truth.

The years of Labour division and deceit are over!

Crew, get ready for detonation.

- Where did you go? - Travelling. Europe.

I wanted to clear my head a bit.

- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine now.

I was sorry things got so nasty.

I should have supported you earlier, we all should.

It wasn't just you who lost that seat, we all did.

- Will you run again? - Me? No. God, no!

Seeing as the net result of all my efforts was to hand a safe Labour seat to Claudia Seabrook,

I think I will bow out of active politics as gracefully as I can.

Democracy will have to muddle along without me.

Well, at least you got rid of that.

Yeah. I'd invite you in, but er...

Have you got anything planned?

Well, I've been thinking about going to Nicaragua, or maybe Russia if I can get in.

No, I meant more like tonight.

Oh, tonight! No. Nothing.

Happy birthday, by the way.

I'm 35.

I'm halfway and I'm fed up with being depressed.

Let's go out and get mortal.

Sounds wonderful.

Um... Actually, I'm forgetting Anthony.

- It's his birthday, as well. - Give him a birthday tea and I'll see you tonight.

No, I don't think... But I'll be in touch, I will.

How long's this going to go on?

Why not? Why not tonight?

- It wouldn't work. - Try me.

It's not a good time.

I've missed you.

Over the years.

The kids are still confused.

They have to come first.

Worrrr...

Slobalob bob-bob bobba-lobba lob. Bill?

Bee-bob, bee-bob, bee-bob. Ben!

Oh, hello, slobbalob, beebob.

Hello, slobbalob beebob-beebob. Beebob.

Weed!

Weeeed!

Wee-ee-eed...

- Weed? - Wee-eed!

Tell Little Weed to come over here.

I think the farmer's coming back from his dinner! Worrr!

I love you, Elaine.

I love you, Terry.

English Civil War

♪ When Johnny comes marching home again

♪ Hurrah, tadah

♪ He's coming by bus or underground

♪ Hurrah, tadah

♪ A woman's eye will shed a tear

♪ To see his face so beaten in fear

♪ It was just around the corner in the English Civil War

♪ It was still at the stage of clubs and fists

♪ Hurrah, tadah

♪ When that well-known face got beaten to bits

♪ Hurrah, tadah

♪ Your face was blue in the light of the screen

♪ As we watched the speech of an animal scream

♪ The new party army was marching right over our heads

♪ All right!