All language subtitles for Mary Tyler Moore s06e24 Ted and the Kid

Who can turn the world on with her
smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly
make it all

seem worthwhile? Well, it's you, girl,
and you should know it.

With each glance and every little
movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell,
why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Who wants a dog?

Mary, you want a dog?

A dog?

Gee, I don't think so, Mr. Grant. Nice
dog. Nice dog. Four legs, tail, two

Says bow -wow. Nice dog.

Whose dog, Lou?

Some guy who works for United Press. He
got transferred to London. He couldn't

take it with him. So he asked me if I
wanted it. And naturally, you said yes.

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the
time.

Besides, I was bombed.

Stupid dog kept me awake all weekend.

All he does is howl all night.

Scratch at the doors, knock things over,
tear up the rugs, rotten mutt.

Sure you don't want him, Mary? He's cute
as hell.

Well, thanks, Mr. Grant, but the
building I'm in doesn't allow pets.

Oh, they won't even notice him. You can
sneak him in and out in your purse.

Oh, what kind of a dog is he, Lou?

St. Bernard.

Is St.

Bernard fully grown?

I sure hope so.

Mr. Grant, I'll tell you what.

I'll put a notice on the bulletin board.
I'm sure someone will be interested.

Okay, just make sure you put down that
he's cute, affectionate, lovable,

adorable. What's his name?

I don't know. I've been calling him
Hitler.

Mary, I need your help. Hey, Ted, how'd
you like to have a dog?

No, Mary, I want to have a baby.

Well, yeah, sure, but I mean... Mary,
Georgette and I have been trying for

months now to have a kid.

Just haven't had any luck.

She hasn't been able to...

Sire me with a son.

There to the throne.

Prince to King Baxter.

I just don't know what to do.

Why don't you have her beheaded?

Mary, please, this is serious. Georgette
and I want to have a baby real bad.

Fred, I don't know what you think I can
do. Talk to her.

I want for the two of us to go to a
doctor to find out what's wrong. Why we

can't have a baby.

Please.

For Georgette.

Come on over tonight and talk to her.
You're a woman. She'll listen to you.

you're her husband.

Well, I know that. If I wasn't, would I
be asking you to help us have a baby?

What I mean is, why don't you talk to
her? I tried.

You won't listen to me.

She's very depressed.

Last night, she cried herself to sleep.

What time do you want me there?

Well, we usually have dinner around 7
.30. Fine.

So, figure around 9.

Thanks. I'll be there.

Hi, Georgette. Hi, Mary. What a nice
surprise.

Oh, didn't Ted tell you I was coming
over?

Uh -huh, and I told him the same thing.
What a nice surprise.

Oh, Georgette, are you sick?

Mm, I'm fine.

Well, then why are you taking your
temperature?

Ted and I are trying to have a baby.

And somebody told me the chances of
conceiving are much better when your

temperature's above 98 .6. Oh, yeah,
right. Well, listen, Georgia, maybe I'll

come back, you know, some other time
when you're not so busy.

No, Mary, stay.

It's all right.

Hi, Mary.

Hi.

Still 98 .6.

Just as well. I'm watching the Three
Stooges.

Mary, I've been taking my temperature
for three weeks. It never goes above 98

.6.

I don't know what to do. I've tried
everything.

Vitamins, positive thinking.

I even went to a gypsy lady.

She told me that Ted and I should try
eating broccoli and making love in an

empty store.

No, this is none of my business. You
know, my mother said we should try

the King family. Maybe they know
something.

Commercial.

Oh, still the same. No change.

I'm sorry, Ted.

That's okay.

That's another reason I want a baby,
Mary.

So Ted will have someone to watch the
Three Stooges with.

Listen, if you and Ted really want to
have a child, don't you think that maybe

you should see a doctor? I mean, maybe
he can tell you what's wrong.

I'm afraid, Mary.

Suppose he tells me it's my fault we
can't have children.

Ted would never love me anymore.

Oh, Georgette, that's ridiculous. Of
course he would.

I think I know Ted, and I think if he
found out you two couldn't have

he'd be disappointed, but he'd get over
it.

I think what he wouldn't be able to
accept, though, is the thought that you

could have done something about it, but
you refused.

You know?

All right, Mary, I'll go.

Oh, good for you.

And I'm sure everything's going to be
just fine.

Let me know how you make out, okay?
Okay.

Gee, I wish there was some way I could
thank you. Oh, don't be silly.

If you like broccoli, I've got a room
full.

Say goodnight to Ted. Okay, goodnight,
Mary.

Ted, I've decided to see the doctor.

Oh, that's terrific, Georgette. And I'll
go and see mine.

Who knows, maybe we can find out what
the trouble is and we can do something

about it and everything will be all
right. Maybe we can handle it. Can't

Let's take a look at that temperature
now.

Any change?

Yeah, it's gone down a point.

and a dopey mutt. Mr. Baird, are you all
right?

Evil, mean, sneaky, dirty, rotten, dopey
mutt. Then what happened?

It was morning while I was taking my
shower. He jumped up on the bar and

over all my booze. Oh, no.

Yeah, whatever spilled, he drank.

Bourbon, gin, rye. Well, is he okay,
Lou?

He never felt better in his life.

I just brought him into the vet to get
him dried out.

What does it like to carry 150 pounds
St. Bernard when he's drunk? You carried

him? Carried him? I had to. Whenever I
put him down, all he wanted to do was

dance.

Oh, poor Mr.

Grant. No, I don't know.

The dog drinks and dances.

What more could a single guy ask for?

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Jeff.

Georgia hasn't come by yet, has she? No.
was she supposed to? Yeah, on her way

back from the doctor. I just come back
from mine.

Oh.

And?

Oh, fine.

Dr. Tomei was in great shape. Exactly as
I figured. Stud city.

Well, well, congratulations.

You know, it's an interesting
examination to give you, Mary.

They have to have this count.

In order for a guy and his chick to have
a baby... Yeah, Ted, I know how that

works. You know, high school biology and
all.

Oh, no, no, no.

Larry, all they teach in biology is how
to take a frog apart. They don't even

tell you how to put it back together
again.

Pay attention. This is different. It's
highly technical.

Now, in order for a man to become a
father, he has to have at least 70

of these little baby makers.

Baby makers.

If he's got more than 70 million of
these little guys, he's okay.

But if he's got less... Well...

That means that he and his wife can't
make a baby. You get it? And you have

than enough.

You kidding?

They're coming out of my ears.

Hello there, Georgette. Hello there,
Georgette. What did the doctor say?

Good news. There's nothing wrong with
me. Oh, that's terrific.

Me too.

Oh, Georgette, that's wonderful.

Yes, that means it's only a question of
time before I have a baby.

Imagine.

Next year, I may have someone to bounce
on my knee besides Ted.

You know something, Ted? I think you're
going to make a wonderful father.

Uh -huh. Soon there may be a Ted Baxter
Jr.

Yeah.

Something I've always wanted. A son.

Someone to buy toys for.

Someone to play catch with.

Someone to go fishing with.

Someone to take to the ballgame.

There's not going to be any kid.

I found out today that I don't have
enough of those little baby makers.

But, Ted, you just said that the doctor
said... I lied. I was so ashamed.

Just have 50 million of those little
guys.

I'm a failure as a man. I'm sorry,
Georgia. Oh, Ted.

Oh, Lou.

can't give birth.

Ted, Ted, come on, come on. You've got
to pull yourself together.

Now look, Ted, I know what you're going
through. I know what you're going

through. So you can't have a kid. You
can't let that destroy you. You're too

a man for that.

You've got to pick yourself up.

There are other things in life worth
living for.

There are?

Sure there are.

Sure there are.

For instance, would you ever consider
owning a dog?

A rat.

Real.

I'm sorry. Listen, if there's anything I
can do, let me know. Thanks.

Sorry.

Okay, Teddy Bear.

Everything's going to be all right.

Why me?

Why can't I have a kid? It's not fair.

If Sonny and Sharon Gregoire are going
to have a kid, why can't I?

Hiya, Georgette.

Hi, Murray.

What's the matter, Tad?

Murray, it's the end of the Baxter line.

After me, they will never, ever...

In the history of the world, be another
Ted Baxter.

What happened? Somebody pass a law?

I can never, ever be a father.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ted.

Very sorry, Georgette. I really am.

It's the one thing in life I've always
wanted. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted

a little kid.

I've been thinking about this a long
time. What would happen if we couldn't

children?

And I don't know how you feel about
this, but seeing as how we both want a

so badly, what do you say we adopt one?

Adopt one? No, Georgette, that's out of
the question.

But why, kid?

It would be so wonderful.

Don't you think so, Mary?

Oh, well, Georgette, I think this is
something that the two of you have to

decide. You know, it's a very personal
issue, and I don't think that I should

offer an opinion one way or the other.

Well, what's wrong with adopting, Ted?

I don't know. I just can't see myself
bringing up a kid that really doesn't

belong to me. Ted, children belong to
whoever looks after them and loves them.

Well, I just don't think I could do it.

Ted, all those things you want a child
for, to take fishing, to take to the

hockey games, you can do all those with
an adopted child, and he'll love you

even more for it. Isn't that right,
Mary?

Maybe, but it takes a long... Not if we
adopt an older child.

Believe me, kid, somewhere there's a
child who needs us as much as we need a

child.

just got a toy for my future kid. It's a
puzzle. You've got to get the animals

in the right holes.

Well, Ted, you're probably going to get
a child at least seven or older, and

this says that it's for children under
five.

This is for five -year -old children?

Now it's going to have to be a very
strong kid to get it in.

Say, have you got a nail file on you,
Mary? I'll get the edge off you. Ted,

you're not supposed to...

to do that. Weren't you supposed to...
Don't tell me.

I want my son and I to figure it out.

You're really excited about adopting
this child, aren't you? I sure am.

The last week I haven't been able to
think of anything else.

I want him more than anything now.

Even more than... more than getting this
lousy elephant in this stupid hole.

Ted, I think that hole is for the
giraffe.

You see the long neck?

Oh, I thought that was for the
elephant's trunk.

Well, sometimes they try to trick you.

Very good.

Hello? This may be it, Mary. It's my
lawyer.

Hello, Frank. How's it coming?

What do you mean, nine months to a year?

Whoever had to wait nine months to have
a kid?

There's nothing you can do? Are you
sure? Nothing?

Yep. Oh, okay. Thanks.

Thanks for trying, Frank.

Oh,

Ted.

Okay, so you have to wait a while.

It's not the end of the world.

This wasn't meant to be, Mary.

Doctors said I couldn't have a kid. Now
the adoption agency's calling, telling

me I can't have a kid.

Let's face it.

Ted Baxter is an endangered species.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

a couple of drinks. Yeah, but he'll be
all right. Yeah, a couple of drinks.

He'll be all right.

Ted, why?

He took it kind of hard when he found
out he couldn't adopt a kid right away.

When he didn't come back from lunch, we
went out looking for him.

Ted, you know you can't drink.

I'm still fine, honey.

When I didn't come back from lunch, we
went out looking for him.

Do you want us to stay, Georgette?

No, thank you. I'll take care of him.
Okay.

Thank you for bringing him home. Hey,
when a guy's had a little too much to

drink, it's up to his buddies to keep
him out of trouble.

Yeah, so we just put him in the car and
brought him home. Yeah, in the trunk.

Oh,

Ted.

Um, sorry, honey.

I really am.

I've been trying to reach you all day.
The agency called this afternoon.

who just changed their minds.

He's ours if the agency approves of us.

Then we can have him right away?

My son, my boy?

I can't be drunk.

I can't be drunk.

I can't be drunk. I can't be drunk.

Okay,

okay, I'm ready.

Mr. and Mrs. Baxter, how do you do? I'm
Mrs. Adams.

I'm sorry I'm a little late, but I
really had a hectic day.

Oh, what a lovely apartment.

Thank you.

We live here, you know.

And you've got that nice park right
across the street.

Yes, we're very happy here.

May I take your hat?

I haven't got a hat.

Oh, why, I guess somebody else took it.

Wouldn't you like to sit down?

Oh, thank you.

Why would I?

I'm sure your wife has told you that a
child is available.

Oh, that's a nice dress.

Thank you. And those are great glasses.
Aren't those terrific glasses,

Georgette?

Love your ribs. They're great ribs.

You know something?

You're cute.

Georgette, why don't we adopt her?

Well, thank you very much, Mr.

and Mrs. Baxter. I think I've found out
all I need to know. It was nice meeting

you.

They're nice shoes.

They look just like mine.

They are mine.

Oh, could you come back tomorrow and see
us?

I don't think I'll be able to. I've got
a very heavy schedule.

We're not going to get the child, are
we?

I don't make those decisions, Mrs.
Baxter.

The agency will be in touch with you.
I'm sorry, Georgia.

I ruined it for us. Oh, Ted, don't blame
yourself. It's not your fault.

I want the kids so bad, more than
anything in the whole world.

I know, kid, but we still got each
other, and that's what matters.

But please try to understand.

I have a responsibility to see that
these children are placed in suitable

Suitable?

You don't think we're suitable?

Let me tell you about suitable.

That man has papered in an entire room
with the three bears for his new child.

So it's the kitchen. So he made a
mistake.

But he cares so much.

And you say he's not suitable.

Just so the child won't get a shock.

For safety, that man moved every
electric socket six feet high.

He went out and paid $12 for toys.

Now that may not sound like much to you,
but it's more than he paid for my

engagement ring.

My Lord, I'm a beautiful human being.

I'll tell you what.

Let's do this again tomorrow.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, good. That's a great idea.

Come on.

Let's go get a good night's sleep. We'll
talk to her tomorrow.

What are you doing? I'm a married man.

There you go, Mr. Grant.

Okay, Murray. Sign it and hurry up. Ted
and the kid will be here any minute.

There it is, Lou.

Okay. Gee, I hope the little guy likes
his present. I'll relax. He's gonna love

it. Boy, it's hard to imagine Ted Baxter
taking on that kind of responsibility,

you know?

Trying to mold and develop a tiny mind.

Why? He's been doing it for 40 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Baxter takes
great pride in presenting to the WJM

newsroom the heir to the Baxter throne,
Master David Belmore Baxter.

Ta -da!

Thank you. Thank you very much. And your
father is the best anchorman.

Yes, I know. He told me that, too.

And this is Mary Richards.

David, it's really a pleasure to meet
you. And you can call me Mary. Thank

You're welcome.

Is it true you were once madly in love
with my father?

David, you'll embarrass Mary.

I want you to meet my son, David.

This is Mr.

Grant.

Hello, David. How do you do?

Nice to meet you, Mr. Grant.

Yeah. Well, hey, David, come on in my
office. We've got a present for you.

Is it okay, Dad?

Sure, son.

Did you hear that?

He called me Dad.

No kid's ever said that to me before.

Ted, he's just wonderful.

You should be very happy, Ted. He's a
nice boy.

There's only one thing that bothers me.

What? How old do you think he should be
before I tell him he's adopted?

Hi, Mommy. Hiya, Judge. We just met
David. He's a terrific boy. Yeah, he's a

great kid. Good luck.

Thank you.

Yeah, Lou likes him, too. He's inside
now giving her a present. Oh, that's

I have a present for you, too, Ted.

Oh, what is it?

You're pregnant?

Yes, you're kidding.

Hey, well, congratulations again, Ted.
Oh, Georgia, that's funny to me.

Georgia, what are you talking about?

The doctor said we're going to have a
baby.

But how?

Well, you know those little guys you
said you didn't have enough of?

Uh -huh.

Well, you may not have as many as the
doctor said you should have, but one of

the little buggers did the job.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Hey, how about that?

I did it.

Isn't it wonderful?

Now we'll have a real family. We'll have
a wife, a son, maybe a daughter on the

way. What more could a man possibly ask
for?