All language subtitles for Mary Tyler Moore s05e18 Phyllis Whips Inflation

Who can turn the world on with her
smile?

Who can take a nothing day And suddenly
make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should
know it With each glance and every

movement you show it Love is all alone,
no need to waste it You can never tell,

why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it.

off for a minute.

Lars and I just had an argument.

Yeah, sure.

Would you like some lunch? No, thank
you.

What happened?

I was sitting on the couch reading.

Lars came over to me, put his arm around
me and said, darling, don't you think

maybe it might be a good idea in view of
the high cost of living if you try to

keep your spending down a little?

I turned to him and said, darling.

Why don't you go suck an egg?

And that's when Lars started the
argument.

Yeah, he always was kind of a hothead.

He actually had the temerity to suggest
that I start living within a budget.

What does he expect? When you write down
every hundred dollars I spend?

You sure you don't want something to
eat? No, I'm too upset to eat.

Not me, Mary.

To me, spending money is part of living
beautifully. It's an art.

Now, maybe there are some people who can
live their lives within the

restrictions of a budget, but for me, it
would be like trying to make love in a

straitjacket.

Hey, uh, don't knock it till you've
tried it.

$680. Here's my rent.

Here's what I allow myself for food,
clothing, laundry. Wait a minute, Mary.

You've written down $100 a month for
clothes.

Yeah. Now, suppose you go to Hempel's
and you see this marvelous coat meant

just for you, but it costs $249 .50.

What do you do?

Well, I don't buy it.

Oh, come on, Mary.

save up for it over a period of months,
and then if I couldn't manage it, Phil,

I just wouldn't buy it. That's it.

You don't understand, Mary.

This is a beautiful beige camel hair
coat with leather trim, and it fits like

dream. I still wouldn't buy it, Phil.
Mary!

$145 a month for rent.

Yeah, well, that's what it is.

No, it isn't. They've raised it to $175
a month.

Since when? Last month, didn't I tell
you?

No!

Oh, then the joke's on me.

$175 a month?

Well, it looks like we're in the same
boat, eh, Mary?

Oh, my fault.

I could have married into money, and I
don't just mean money, Mary. I mean...

Real money.

One of the DuPonts, Mary.

You know which DuPonts I mean?

$175 a month.

The better living through chemistry
DuPonts.

This was a third cousin.

They had a place next to ours on Cape
Cod. When I was in college, he would

given anything to marry me.

But I didn't love him.

So, I didn't ask him.

Come in.

Mr. Grant, could I see you for a minute?

Sure. What's up?

Well, Mr. Grant, last month when you
made me a producer, you gave me a $20 a

week raise.

Right. Well, I suppose if I came in now
and asked for another raise, you'd...

Tell me to go jump in the lake, right?

Not necessarily.

I mean, I might tell you to go jump in
the lake. On the other hand, I just

give it to you. There's only one way for
you to find out, Mary, and that's to

ask.

Well, I did feel a little awkward about
coming in here. Mary, you should always

say what's on your mind.

All right.

Well, that's... $20 a week raise that
you gave me amounts to about an 8 %

increase, you see. But the cost of
living has gone up 9 .3%, which means

am actually earning less this year than
I did the year before, on top of which

my rent has been raised $30 a month.

And I just feel that in view of the fact
that I'm now a producer, I have

additional responsibilities and duties,
that it's not unreasonable for me to ask

for more money. So, Mr. Grant, could I
please have a raise?

Mary.

Go jump in the lake.

Look, we're over budget as it is. Maybe
in a couple of months, maybe the cost of

living will go down. Maybe you'll come
up with better reasons.

I just asked Mr. Grant for a raise and
he told me to go jump in the lake.

Well, Murr, I just don't know how I'm
going to make ends meet. And I certainly

don't know how you and Marie do it with
four kids.

Well, it's not so bad. We get by.

Marie has started canning fruit.

The girls have started making their own
clothes.

My son has a paper route. And last night
I held up a liquor store.

I just wish I understood more about
economics. You know, maybe then I'd

understand where all my money is going.
Nobody understands.

I understand.

You know who's got all the money today?

The Japanese.

They're taking over.

Nice people, but everywhere you go, you
see them with their little cameras

taking pictures of all the buildings
they're going to buy next.

You know who they got all that money?

While we were busy fighting World War
II, they stayed home and made millions.

at least it wouldn't scar my childhood.

Yeah, sure.

Can I get you something?

No, thanks. I don't think this fight can
last long.

Why do you say that?

Well, it's already been going on for six
hours, and Lars always fades in the

last couple of rounds.

Phyllis is mad because Lars just cut off
her charge accounts.

Hi. Hi.

So, what are you kids up to?

Well, Will, you certainly seem to be in
a good mood.

Well, Lars and I finally talked the
whole thing out, and I... I feel much

better. He gave me his point of view and
I gave him a knee in the stomach.

You didn't. No, I didn't.

I love him too much for that.

But I pictured doing it.

Even that made me feel better. Mary, I
can't believe it.

We're broke.

Phyllis, come on, how can you be broke?

What about your stocks, your
investments? Stocks were all bought on

Margin. Margin.

is down to 25. Isn't that a comment on
our society?

Disney, down to 25.

Disney, who's given us Mickey Mouse,
Bambi, Donald Duck,

Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Helen Hayes.

Our Polaroid went from 88 to 14 in six
months. Well, what do they expect, the

dummies? Getting that Sir Lawrence
Olivier to do those commercials, they

have saved a fortune, gotten Durward
Kirby.

Come on, Beth.

Phyllis, you can't possibly be broke.

I mean, look, Lawrence still has his
practice.

Business has been terrible lately.

In a recession, dermatologists are the
first ones to get hit.

People need brain surgery, no matter how
trivial.

They find the money somehow.

If people get a rash...

for you.

I have just... I say, I have just been
collected Woman of the Year by the local

ladies chapter of the Elks Club.

Good.

Thank you very much.

As soon as I heard I rushed up here to
tell you, I knew you'd want to put it on

tonight's news.

I mean, a member of your own station
getting a major award like this.

I knew you wouldn't forgive me if I...

Didn't come to you for the story first.

So, Lou, I assume there's still plenty
of time to get it on tonight's

Yeah, yeah, there's still plenty of
time.

You are going to use the story, aren't
you, Lou?

Well, I'll tell you, Sue Ann.

I don't handle that anymore.

That's the producer's job.

Well,

I'm sure Mary won't. I don't want to
turn down a terrific exclusive like

Will you, Mary?

Well, Sue Ann, it's just that there are
so many big stories breaking today.

You know, I just, I wouldn't know which
one to bump.

Yeah, I mean, we sure hate to lose the
one about the two -headed chicken.

I understand you. You probably need more
time to think about it. Right.

Time to think.

Of course, there's no hurry. I don't
want you to feel you're under any

whatsoever. You take all the time you
want.

I won't come back until I finish what
I'm cooking.

Minute rice.

You're not seriously thinking of using
that Sue Ann story, are you?

Well, I don't know. Mr. Grant, it is my
decision, isn't it? This is a news show,

Mary, and I don't want any publicity
puffs on it. I don't care who they're

And I want you to tell Sue Ann, if she
ever comes around here again asking for

silly plug like that, I'm going to throw
her out of the...

Why didn't you tell her that yourself?

I'm scared of her.

Mary. Hi, Phil. Sorry to bust in like
this, but I had to tell you. Murray,

you'll be interested in this.

I, Phyllis Lindstrom, have decided to
get a job.

Phyllis, that's sensational news.

Yeah, but somehow I don't think it's
going to bump the two -headed chicken

either.

Aren't you impressed, Murray?

Well, sure I am, Phyllis, but you've had
jobs before.

Ah, but that was... different that was
in order to make better use of my god

-given talents to fulfill myself as a
human being now all i want is the bread

so here i am out looking for work lou i
just

wondered are there any jobs open on your
show i'll take anything i don't care

how low or menial it is how about mary's
old job bill mary has

mary's old job

office you worked in last year. Why
don't you go back there? People don't

houses in a recession, Mary. The
Lakeview Real Estate Agency is a

restaurant.

I told you. I told you.

What about Chuckles the Clown?

I saw him in the elevator. Are there any
jobs on his show?

Well, I heard they need a new Wanda
Wishbone, but I don't know if you've got

right legs for it.

Wanda Wishbone?

Yeah, uh, two kids come out of the
audience and each one of them pull on a

The winner gets a bicycle.

How do they decide who the winner is?

I don't know.

But they have to hire a new Wanda for
every show.

Uh, Mary, can I see you a second?

Have Phyllis and Sue Ann met since the
time that Sue Ann had the affair with

Phyllis' husband?

No.

Didn't she threaten to rip Sue Ann's
face off the next time she saw her?

Yeah. Well, you better get Phyllis out
of here fast. I just passed her. She's

her way out. Uh -huh.

Please, have a seat.

I'm Helen Farrell. Oh, you're a woman.

That's right.

I'm so glad.

I was afraid you might be a man.

But I know that as a woman, a sister, as
it were, you'll be more compassionate,

understanding, sympathetic.

Honey, it's been a long day. Don't bust
my chops.

What sort of job are you looking for?
Well, something interesting.

A position of authority that pays
extremely well, but would still give me

of free time.

Have you considered running for vice
president?

Do you have any special skills?

Of course.

All right. Computer training?

No.

Typing?

operate a switchboard? No.

What are your special skills?

Well, I have an uncanny knack of
choosing the right wine for dinner.

That certainly narrows things down.

Well, why don't we take a look and see
what we've got?

Okay.

Oh, here's... one. Must have come in
while I was out to lunch.

Bright, charming, intelligent woman for
assistant to president of public

relations firm.

No experience necessary.

Expense account plus $15 ,000 a year.
Oh, that's wonderful.

Mr. Greshner, I have a bright, charming,
intelligent woman who'd like to apply

for that job.

Oh, good.

She'll be right over.

You're being voted Woman of the Year.

Thank you, Ted.

Mayor, I sure hope we're doing a story
on Sue Ann's award.

Well, Ted, I already told Sue Ann that
there's no room for that story. We're

spending a lot of time on Kissinger's
trip to the Mideast.

Kissinger?

Why are you doing a story about someone
we don't even know?

Come on, Mayor. I'm sorry, Ted. The
answer is no.

Well, what would the answer be if I told
you I was threatening to quit unless

that story were put on? No and goodbye.

I appreciate it. You're a good man.

Now can I have my 50 bucks back?

Hi, hi.

Hi, Phil. Hi, Phil.

Newsroom. Any luck with the job?

Yes. And all of it abominable. Oh, no.

Mary, the film on the fire downtown got
here too late for tonight's show.

Oh, terrific.

The biggest fire in 10 years and we
don't have any film?

Maybe we should send an artist down to
draw it.

Oh.

I'm sure you want to hear everything
that happened.

All right, look, Murr, we still have 20
minutes. See if you can get a remote

truck downtown. We'll do it live. Right.

Mary, I went to six different employment
agencies.

Always it was the same story. I have no
training. I have no skills. I have

nothing to contribute to society. Of
course you have.

The chemical factory.

Oh, boy, that must be some fire. Anybody
hurt? No, but they evacuated five city

blocks. I'm a mere frill. A decoration.

A boutonniere on the lapel of the
universe.

Throw me in the gutter and no one would
even notice I was missing.

Okay, good. The crew's on its way.

All right, I'll see if I can get a
reporter to meet him. I'm absolutely

According to Darwin, I should have been
extinct a million years ago.

Ah, don't listen to him.

Hello, Frank.

It's Mary. Listen, I want you to meet
the remote crew downtown at the fire.

We're going to go live. Right.

Okay, Murr, we'll open with the fire.

Then we'll do Kissinger, then the bus
strike, and the armed robbery. How lucky

you are.

Insulated from reality here in the
fantasy world of television.

Hey, Murr, you know what I'm thinking?
Maybe we should dump the robbery and

extend the fire. Mary, will you look...

how she was.

Did she get a job?

No, and she's really been trying hard,
too.

Aw, that's too bad.

Yeah. She was offered one job, a
receptionist at a funeral home.

But she said she'd starve before she'd
wear black every day.

I gotta go to the library. See ya. Bye
-bye.

just have to make sacrifices like
everyone else. Of course.

Two cars will get by with one car.

Lars can take the bus to work.

No, Mary.

Money isn't the problem.

You know what's really depressing me?

You.

Me.

Remember when you came here five years
ago?

You were a lost little lamb jilted by
your fiancé.

A single girl.

alone and unwanted in a cold, heartless
city.

And I was a secure, confident, married
woman.

Every time I saw you, I felt sorry for
you.

It was wonderful.

But now the tables are turned. It's you
who feel superior to me.

Oh, Phyllis, come on. I don't feel
superior. Of course you do. This is the

of the single girl. Free, independent,
self -sufficient.

Oh, Phil, come on. Being single is not
all that great.

There's loneliness.

Loneliness.

You don't know what loneliness is until
you get into bed with Lars.

Bill, all right, it's a little rough
right now, but you've got people who

you.

I suppose so.

I remember when I gave birth to Beth.

Lars even stayed in the delivery room
with me.

Of course, after a while, the screaming
got so bad the doctor had to slap his

face and throw him out.

But admit it, Mary.

You wouldn't dream of trading your life
for mine.

You've got a terrific life.

Phyllis, I told you my life is not that
terrific.

Are you saying you would trade your life
for mine?

Well... Would you?

Be honest.

Well, to be perfectly honest with you,
Phyllis, no, I wouldn't trade my life

yours. It's a lousy thing to say.

Phyllis, nobody would trade their life
for somebody else's. Would you trade

life for mine?

Would I trade my life for yours?

Oh. Getting up at 7 o 'clock every
morning.

Catering to the whims of my boss day in
and day out.

Fending off the grubby advances of my
dates. And praying desperately I'll meet

somebody I'll really care about. Would I
trade my life for yours?

No.

I wouldn't. Mary!

Oh.

Oh, you're all depressed and feeling
rotten about your life now, aren't you?

Well, no, I'm not feeling rotten.

Just like old times.

Isn't it wonderful?

Did you hear any more from Lou about
your raise?

No. And to tell you the truth, I'm a
little afraid to ask again.

Afraid?

Well, I suppose you're not.

That's right, that's right.

In fact, I've been thinking of going in
there and asking Lou for a cost of

living increase myself.

Well, why don't you go in there and do
that?

All right.

And I'm going to get that raise, too.

You know why I'm going to get that
raise?

Because I just figured out how to handle
Lou. I'm not going to ask him for a

raise. I'm going to demand it.

Okay, Mayor, heads or tails?

What are we deciding?

Which end Ted will land on when we throw
them out of the air?

Thanks, Lou. Nice doing business with
you.

Like putty in my hands.

Looking for me?