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(BOY) Five years ago, my dad left.

He said he loved me and my mom, but he needed his own space.

He took his secretary along with him.

He said he needed someone to answer his phone calls.

He promised to come visit me, but he wasn't good at keeping promises.

My mom was really upset. But I told her we still had each other,

and I'd look after her as long as I lived.

We decided to start all over again.

A whole new life.

We moved into a small loft apartment downtown.

It was pretty gross at first.

But my mom turned it into a home in no time.

She even created a kind of garden on the roof where I could play.

After a while, she got over my father leaving. I did, too.

Eventually, she started dating again. But they were all jerks.

And they never lasted long.

Eventually, we would go back to the way things were. Just the two of us.

I liked it that way.

We made a collage from things we found on the beach

to take our minds off what had happened.

We've been doing it now for almost five years.

My mom says we'll finish it some day.

Then two weeks ago, the worst thing happened: \h

my mom told me she wanted to get married again. \h

Just when our lives are fine, she does something like this. \h

You'd think by now she'd have learned a lesson. \h

I don't care how old I get, I'll never understand women.

The Federal Court of Washington is in session. The defendant will rise.

Francis James Renda, you have been found guilty

of the crime of trafficking narcotics.

Do you have anything to say to this court before sentence is passed?

Yes, your Honour. I want to thank the prosecutor for giving me a fair trial.

I want him to know there's no hard feelings, in spite of the outcome.

I wish him a lot of luck in his future endeavours.

Your Honour, the prosecutor would like to know if that remark was a threat.

The prosecutor has me all wrong, your Honour.

I'm a harmless old man. I don't make threats.

That's good. For a moment there, the prosecutor was really, really scared.

- That'll do, Mr Sturges. - Thank you, your Honour.

If you two gentlemen have finished, I'd like to pronounce sentence.

Francis James Renda,

it's the court's judgement you serve not less than 50 years

in the Federal Correctional Institute at Sheridan, Oregon.

This court is adjourned.

- We'll appeal. - We'll appeal, huh?

Congratulations.

- You're the best! - More garbage off the street.

Mr Renda, this way, please.

- That's done, we can go. - Hey, Sturges.

You think you're pretty tough, huh? Well, let me tell you something.

You may be on top of the situation now.

But things have a way of coming around. Know what I mean?

Well, Joey, if you're one of those things that comes around,

I'm going to step on you like a bug. Know what I mean?

Who was that guy?

- Frank's son, Joey. - He looks dangerous.

They're just cheap hoods in expensive suits.

We've got more important things to talk about.

I'm gonna get this guy.

I thought I'd bring my stuff over around noon tomorrow.

Sure.

You have room for my used dental floss?

We'll find room for it.

Been saving it since I was three. There must be about 400 pounds now.

- What did you say you were bringing? - I just wanted to get your attention.

You've been distracted all day. Is it because of the opening of your show?

I've just been thinking about you moving in.

- Are you having second thoughts? - No. I want you to move in. It's Ben.

What, it's Ben?

Wait a minute... Ben doesn't want me to move in?

I guess he's just not comfortable with the idea yet.

If that's all, relax. I knew Ben would have those feelings.

So I got almost every book I could find on step-parenting. I'm an expert!

- This is all about sex, isn't it? - Please, Ben, I'm your mother!

Don't pretend. I know women reach their sexual peak in their thirties.

- Where did you pick that up? - "Donahue".

I'm getting rid of the television set.

- Hey, how about this? - Good one.

Anyway, it's not just about the sex.

It'd be good for you to have an adult male as a role model.

What if he's like Dad and splits with his secretary?

He's not like your dad, and his secretary is about 100 years old.

What if he's a serial killer and tries to boil our heads in acid?

- You're stretching, Benjamin. - That could happen.

This is just a trial period. Jack's going to keep his apartment.

So if things don't work out, he'll go back to his place.

And you and I will go back to the way we were, OK?

- Did you know he irons his jeans? - And that makes him an axe murderer?

I don't know that for sure.

But a compulsion like that generally indicates a deeper psychosis.

I heard it on "Geraldo".

Look, Ben, I love Jack, and I'd like to have a husband again.

But you're the most important man in my life.

And if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for me. OK?

- OK? - Yeah, OK.

But I still think he might try to boil our heads in acid.

I knew it!

Let's see...Sturges...

Not in here. Doesn't mean he's not a serial killer.

Just means they haven't caught him yet.

Ben, can you give us a hand?

I've got a sore back. My doctor says I shouldn't do any heavy lifting.

Perhaps you can make some room in the closet under the stairs?

But that's where we keep the stuff we collect on the beach.

We can put it somewhere else.

- But it's important stuff! - It'll be fine somewhere else.

I'll just hold this. It's more convenient if I need to get anything.

No, it's no trouble, is it, Benjamin?

No.

It's no trouble.

Thanks, Benny, I appreciate it!

He's calling me "Benny" already.

- He hates to be called "Benny". - No "Benny"? Thanks, Ben!

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah Someone's in the kitchen, I know

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah-ah-ah-ah

Jack? Come on, Jack. Are you going to be in there all night?

Fee, fi, fiddly-i-oh fee, fi, fiddly-i-oh-oh-oh

Fee-fi-fiddly-i-oh

Dinah, won't you blow Dinah, won't you blow

Dinah, won't you bl... Aw! Aw!

- What happened to the hot water? - It's an old building. It cuts out.

Ben? I was showering. I'm covered with soap. Can I come in?

(SANDRA GIGGLES)

- What are you doing? - Ben locked me out of the bathroom.

- Do you think he did it on purpose? - Of course not. I'll get you a towel.

Yuck.

Wow. What is all this stuff?

What's wrong with this guy? Is he decomposing or something?

Allergy medicine... He smells bad and he's a wimp. What a role model!

Hey, Mom, where's my toothpaste? I can't find any of my stuff!

Excuse me...

- Do you guys have to do that? - I can't resist a pretty girl.

- Know what I mean, buddy? - I'm eleven. I hate girls.

Oh, right. I used to be eleven myself. I know exactly what you mean.

- Cooties, right? - Yeah, right, cooties...

Mom, I can't find my toothpaste. All my stuff's gone.

- I put it in the cabinet. - What did you do that for?

Jack's taller, so it makes sense for his stuff to be in the medicine chest.

It's not going to kill you for your toothpaste to be in the cabinet!

Don't give me that face! We all have to make adjustments.

I'm the one making all the adjustments.

I'm beat. I'm going to turn in. See you in the morning, Benny.

Oops, sorry. I meant Ben. See you in the morning, Ben.

Mom! Could I talk to you for a minute, please?

Sorry. Ben said the thought of us being in the same bed

would be psychologically damaging to him.

He actually said "psychologically damaging"?

- He's a bright kid. He watches PBS. - Me too, but I don't talk like that.

I think it'll be OK in a few days. Let him get used to the situation.

OK, OK.

- I'm glad I had that cold shower. - Thank you.

I knew you'd understand.

Don't start anything you can't finish.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight, sweetheart.

This isn't so bad.

I can live with this.

This sucks.

I'm never going to get any sleep.

(CRIES OUT)

(MOANS)

- Jack, what are you doing? - A little late-night skateboarding.

- What's going on down there? - Nothing.

- I heard a noise. What was it? - That was me.

I was going to the bathroom when I tripped.

The bathroom's over there, Jack. Have you forgotten already?

Over here?

There it is!

I got my bearings back. Thanks.

- Goodnight, Mother. - Goodnight, sweetheart.

(JACK HUMS TO HIMSELF)

- What are you doing? - Good morning, Ben!

I didn't sleep well, so I got up early to make breakfast.

Do me a favour and shut this stove off.

- What is all this stuff anyway? - Eggs Benedict à la Sturges.

Eggs what?

Poached eggs and ham on English muffins.

Topped off with hollandaise sauce, most of which is on the counter.

The "à la Sturges" part is...caviar.

Does the word "cholesterol" mean anything to you?

I don't eat like this all the time. It's sort of a celebration.

And how about the word "recycle"? You put the eggshells with the paper.

Oh, I thought you had just four different garbage cans.

Look. This one is for paper, this one is for aluminium, this one for glass.

And this one is for the organic materials, like eggshells.

I'll just put the eggshells over here.

Something smells good.

- What happened here? - I made Eggs Benedict.

Jack's trying to kill us with animal fat.

Ben and I usually just have granola, yoghurt and fruit in the morning.

OK, fine. I'll just dump this in with the organic material

and whip up some granola, fruit and yoghurt.

Don't bother. I'll just pick up something on the way to school.

- Ben, don't forget to... - Goodbye, Mother.

We're not getting off to a good start.

Ben and I make breakfast together. It's one of our routines.

I'll just make a list so this doesn't happen again.

Good idea.

Lot of help you've been.

"Paper only."

- Someone sure is hungry. - Hey, Monroe, how are you doing?

- Don't they feed you at home? - I skipped breakfast.

My mom's boyfriend took over the kitchen and I walked out.

I could've told you that was gonna happen.

First they take over the bathroom and the kitchen, then the sofa and the TV.

My advice to you is to get rid of this guy. Immediately.

It's gonna be hard. Mom's in love, she's not thinking clearly.

I'm telling you, whatever you do, you'd better do it soon.

The longer a mom lives with a guy, the harder it is to get rid of them.

(BANGING)

Hello! Can someone get me out of here?

- Is somebody in there? - Yeah, can you get me out of here?

- What's the combination? - 38-24-36.

Hi!

Thanks. Boy, it's tight in there.

- I'm Norman Bronski, by the way. - I'm Ben, and this is Monroe.

What were you doing in your locker?

You're supposed to lock it from the outside.

Some big guys stuffed me in there.

- Does that happen a lot? - Every day.

Maybe that dorky Indian get-up has something to do with it.

- Sure it does. I'm an Indian Guide. - What's an Indian Guide?

The YMCA Indian Guides foster understanding

and companionship between father and son.

Nice talking to you, Cochise, but we gotta be going.

Do the fathers have to dress like Indians, too?

Sure. My dad wears a huge headdress with a lot of feathers on it.

- Sounds real exciting. Let's go. - How does one join this club, Norman?

Here's everything you need to know. We'd be glad for you to join us.

Our tribe's always looking for new members.

Well, I gotta go. Nice meeting you guys.

If you come by this way tomorrow,

you might wanna check if I'm stuffed in my locker again. So long.

Are you crazy? You wanna hang with a goof like that?

Of course not. The whole thing is strictly Twilight Zone.

- But it could solve my problem. - I don't get it.

It says they eat nuts and berries. Doesn't he get enough for breakfast?

What? I didn't hear you.

- Why does Ben want us to do this? - So you could get to know each other.

But, Sandy, these people sit around making furry refrigerator magnets!

What Indian tribe in all of history ever made furry refrigerator magnets?

I think the fact that Ben wants to spend time with you is a good sign.

- Don't you? - Yes, I do.

But can't he want to do something more normal like joining Little League ?

You know how kids are.

This week it's Indian Guides, next week it's roller hockey.

Just give it a try! I mean, how bad can it be?

Pals forever, pals forever That's our slogan, that's our song

Boys are stronger, dads feel younger When they take the boys along

Moms are for it, dads adore it And the boys all think it's fine

Pals forever, pals forever Indian guides will have good times

Right! Excellent! Excellent!

As chief of the Minotauk, it's my pleasure to welcome two new members.

Let's hear a very special Guide welcome for Jack and Ben!

Welcome!

Hey-ha-wa-ya, Ben. Hey-ha-wa-ya, Jack.

Fine, thanks. How are you?

No, Jack. "Hey-ha-wa-ya" is the official greeting of the Minotauk.

It's our way of saying "Welcome, you're among friends."

I feel comfortable already.

That's good, because the point is to relax and have a whole lot of fun.

Silent Thunder has prepared a little entertainment for tonight.

Excuse me, Chief, point of order.

I believe it's customary for new members to pick names for each other?

Of course. Once again, Silver Fox has nailed the chief on a point of order.

It's important to follow the rules to set an example for the youngsters.

Red's our tribal secretary. He's memorised the entire manual.

- It took me six months. - Really? You must be very proud.

Fathers and sons picking Indian names for each other is an important ritual.

For example, I'm Running Horse, and this is my son, Dark Eagle.

- Oh, I see, they're all animal names. - You got it. So you wanna go first?

I warn you, I'm not good at this kind of thing.

- It's easy! - Come on, Jack. How hard could it be?

I have a list of pre-approved Indian names, if it's any help.

- Red, I think Jack can just wing it. - If I'm just going to wing it...

- How about Little Wing? - Good name!

Good song, too. Jimi Hendrix. I've got the album. "Axis: Bold as Love".

All right, guides, from now on, Ben's new tribal name will be Little Wing.

Fly on, Little Wing!

OK, Ben, pick a name for Jack that tells us how you feel about him.

How about Squatting Dog?

Squatting Dog? That's the best you can come up with?

I had a dog once who had a bad case of the squirts. He was my best friend.

- Did you have any other pets? - I had a squirrel named Numbnuts.

- I'll go with Squatting Dog. - Good name. Funny name.

Minotauk appreciate a sense of humour.

From now on, Jack's tribal name will be Squatting Dog.

All right, Silent Thunder, the floor is yours.

All right!

Lloyd's been preparing this all week.

(LAUGHTER)

(SNEEZES)

- What's going on? - Silent Thunder's a circus performer.

He expresses himself without words. He's pretty good at it, isn't he?

(SCRATCHY MUSIC)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Don't speak, just move

Don't speak, just move

Don't speak, just move

Don't speak, just move

Don't stop now

Bravo, Silent Thunder!

Bravo, bravo.

All right. Very good, Silent Thunder. Very funny.

Let the good times roll! Who's up for a game of scrambled moccasins?

- Point of order, Chief! - Yes, Red?

We played scrambled moccasins last week, and since we decided to vary it,

we should be on to either potato bowling or pass the grapefruit.

I could've sworn we played scrambled birch bark last week.

No, we made macaroni name tags.

Mrs Silent Thunder served chocolate cornbread and fruit punch.

Running Horse gave an interesting talk on why we have nasal hair.

- And scrambled moccasins. - OK, then.

Guides, show your feathers. Who's up for a game of potato bowling?

Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi...

Then let's get ready to rumba!

As new members, you have the honour of throwing the first spud.

I tell you, Monroe. Adults are so easy to figure out.

As soon as I said I liked it, he said he liked it.

- But he hated it, right? - Totally.

We played this game where you roll potatoes on the floor

to see who could get them closest to a circle on a newspaper.

- How can you stand it, man? - I won't have to much longer.

There's a dopey camp-out Saturday. We sleep in someone's back yard.

I'll never understand why white people like to sleep outside on the ground.

I told Jack all the other fathers were dressing up like authentic Indians.

So he rented a complete costume to show me how enthusiastic he is.

- Are the other fathers dressing up? - Of course not.

- You are the devil, man. - Yes!

- When's the food ready? - Juicy burgers coming up.

- Can somebody give me a hand? - Sure, I'll help you.

Hey, Jack.

Jack! Nice costume. Very authentic.

But we usually don't dress up except for really big special occasions.

It's OK. I happened to have this lying around in my closet anyway.

Looks great, too. I'm going to fry up the barbecue, but we'll talk later.

Hey, Jack, you need to get your face painted like everybody else.

- You said the others would dress up. - I misunderstood. Are you mad at me?

No. Honest mistake, I guess.

No harm, no foul.

- What kind of paint is that? - It's not paint, just watercolour.

- Good. I've a tendency to break out. - Don't worry. I checked the label.

- You did? Thanks. That's thoughtful. - No problem.

Everybody, I got a great idea! Let's have a grapefruit relay.

- How about it, Jack? - Yeah, I can't wait.

I could probably pop a round into Sturges's skull from right here.

- With what? - The .38.

Please! A .38 couldn't even make it across the street.

A .22 Super Speed will go through his brain and into the next county.

We gotta make this look like an accident,

so it don't come back on my old man.

Forget the .38s and .22s!

Think accidental death. Understand?

OK, guides. All ready for the big grapefruit relay?

Down to the end of the yard and back. Remember, the rule is,

you can't touch your fruit with your hands. On your marks...

..get set...go!

Jack, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Can't it wait?

Not in front of the others.

- Norman said you're not Ben's father. - That's true, I'm not.

- I hope we don't have to leave. - No, no, not at all.

Are you sure? Maybe you'd better check with Red.

What I'm trying to say is I'm not Norman's father either.

It broke open on me. I'm getting juice down my chest.

No hands!

I think I know what you're going through with Ben.

So if you ever need advice or anything...

I really appreciate it.

But I think I'm doing fine on my own.

OK, but if you ever want to talk, I'm there.

It can't get any worse than this.

The attorney's appearance indicates a complete lack of respect for our case.

- I move for a mistrial. - I'll take that under advisement.

Mr Sturges, would you care to comment?

Your Honour, I meant absolutely no disrespect to the plaintiff.

- Leonard, this is just a rash. - It looks a lot like war paint, Jack.

Although the "Happy Face" is not technically a native symbol.

War paint, Jack?

The Salish Indian tribe sues the government over land rights,

and you show up in war paint!

Good God. This is the 90s. Haven't you heard of political correctness?

Of course I have.

This is a very sensitive issue for us, so I'll have to take you off the case.

Come on, Bob, this rash will go away in 24 hours. I can get a continuance.

It's not just the rash, it's your behaviour in general.

You cancel meetings, you're unprepared.

- I'm sorry. I explained that to you. - The Indian thing with the stepson.

It's taking a lot more time than I thought it would.

I can understand and I can sympathise,

but frankly, I don't care!

We have an important job to do here, Jack.

I suggest you get your priorities in order. Am I making myself understood?

I've worked in the Attorney's office for 15 years

and I've never been taken off a case till this morning.

I'm sorry, but this Indian Guide thing's just not working.

- Couldn't you give it another chance? - I can't do it, Sandy.

It's interfering with my work.

I can either be a US Attorney or an Indian Guide's father.

I can't be both. You do see my point, don't you?

I suppose so, I just don't know how I'm going to tell Ben.

Nobody has to tell me anything. I heard the whole thing.

I knew it. Just when I was beginning to have fun, he wants to quit.

Look, there's lots of other things you and Jack can do together.

We can go to baseball games, movies...

Till you get tired of them and quit. I told you he'd be just like Dad.

I was afraid something like this was going to happen.

Don't you think he's overreacting? This is just about the stupid Guides.

No, it's not just about that. I told you this would be difficult for Ben.

You said, "Don't worry, I'm an expert. I've got books on this subject."

- I'm doing the best I can! - It doesn't seem to be good enough.

- What's that supposed to mean? - It means...

It means...I don't know.

Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe this is all happening too soon.

Maybe I should wait till Ben is older and able to handle this better.

Maybe we'd all be able to handle it better.

You really think you made a mistake? If you do, I'll move back to my place.

I wanted everything to work out.

I wanted the three of us to become a family.

Well, I want that, too.

So I'll just have to rearrange my schedule so I can be an attorney

and an Indian Guide father.

Are you sure?

If Chet Bronski, Red Sweeney and that circus guy can do it, I can do it.

I'd better go upstairs and apologise and eat a little you-know-what.

I did it, Monroe! I think I broke the love bubble.

I don't know how much longer I could have put up with those Indian geeks.

He quit, and I went into my "upset child" act.

They started to fight and she told him she should to wait till I was older.

The guy is history. I figure he'll be back in Tacoma by tomorrow.

- Did you speak to him? - What?

- Did you speak to him? - Oh. No, he was on the phone.

I've got a lot of work to do. I'll talk to him in the morning.

Chet? Sorry, did I scare you? I'm sorry.

- They told me you'd be down here. - Yes, this is my classroom. 15 years.

Adrenalin.

So what brings you around? Want to make a spice rack for your mom?

No, no, no, no.

The thing that is...I drive by here every morning on my way to work,

and I thought maybe, you know...

I just thought I might drop by. Say, this is nice. What is it?

- That's what we call a hammer. - Oh, of course.

Does it take you this long to get to the point in court?

Actually, addressing a jury is a lot easier. I need to ask your advice.

It's amazing how hard it is for guys to ask each other for anything.

- You got that right. - But we're members of the same tribe.

The Minotauk.

No, the emotionally-constipated male over 40. What can I help you with?

It's Ben.

He's doing everything he can to get rid of me. I think he hates my guts.

No, he doesn't hate your guts. He's just scared.

Scared you're gonna take away the most important thing in his life: his mom.

Norman did the very same thing to me. Tried to get rid of me for months.

Well, what did you do? You seem to have a great relationship.

I just kept at it and at it and at it.

The Indian Guides helped a lot, actually.

- The Indian Guides helped? How? - By levelling the playing field.

One of the best ways to reach a kid is being a kid yourself.

I just thought it'd be a lot easier.

Raising kids is one of the most difficult things in the world.

But in the end, it's worth it, believe me.

You know, Chet, it's funny.

I can stand up to the toughest hoods in the country. Doesn't faze me.

But an 11-year-old kid, that's really scary.

- Welcome to the club, Jack. - Thanks, Chet.

Hit the road, Jack

Don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more

Hit the road, Jack and don't you come back no more

Hit the road, Jack

Don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more...

Ben, Ben, one of the great men! We've been waiting for you.

What's going on? What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving.

Why would I leave? I live here.

Jack's decided not to quit the Indian Guides. Isn't that wonderful?

- You're kidding. - Absolutely not.

To prove it, I'd like you to meet someone.

Ben, this is Leonard Red Crow. Leonard, meet Ben.

- How. - Excuse me, did you just say "How"?

Just kidding. I always like to say that. It makes people laugh.

Leonard's the chief of the Salish tribe.

I've asked him to help make the Minotauk the best Indian Guide tribe.

- Great. - I knew you'd be thrilled.

Teaching values and skills to children is an important part of Indian life.

Besides, I could use the beads and trinkets Jack offered me.

I'm just kidding again. You're going to have to learn to loosen up.

Leonard's going to teach us a rain dance.

A rain dance? This is Seattle, what's the point of that?

Who do you think is responsible for all the rain?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Gimme the music

Gimme the music

Everybody, dance now

Everybody, dance now

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Everybody, dance now

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Everybody

(RAP MUSIC)

The jam is alive and I don't waste time

Jump to the rhythm, Jump, jump, jump

And I am here to provide beats 'n' lyrics

To make you shake your pants Take a chance

Come on and dance, Guys grab a girl, make her twirl

It's your world and I'm just a squirrel

Tryin' to get a nut to move your butt

Use the dance floor

Put your hands in the air Come on, say yeah

Everybody, over here Everybody, over there

The crowd's alive and I'm doing this too

Party people in the house, move

Move

Come on, let's dance, baby

Let the music take control Let the rhythm move you

Dance, dance

Let the music take control Let the rhythm move you

Everybody, dance now

Pause, take a breath Now hit the dance floor

It's gonna make you sweat till you bleed

If that's open up indeed

The dice are more precise to the point

The music takes control of your heart and soul

Your body is free Dance till you can't dance no more

Get on the floor then come back up

Easy now Let me see you move

Move

The music is my life

Everybody, dance now

Everybody, come on, let's sway

Baby, let the music take control

Let the rhythm move you Sway

Sway

Let the music take your soul Let the rhythm move you

Da-da-da-da-da...

Hey, can you believe that? We did it!

(CHEERING)

Ben? "Hard Copy" is on.

Ben? Are you awake?

I guess he's not coming.

He's exhausted. I don't blame him, I'm tired, too.

Yeah, you should get to bed early tonight. In fact...

- In fact, you can go to bed right now. - I can't. I have so much work to do.

We haven't been alone in such a long time.

It'll only take a couple of hours.

OK.

I'll be right back.

- Come on, Jack, do I have to? - I thought you liked Norm.

- Yeah, he's OK, I guess. - So what's the problem?

Seeing him for Guides is one thing. Having him sleep over is different.

Look, Norm's dad told me he doesn't have a lot of friends,

and I thought this could be a nice gesture, so do me this one favour.

Hanging out with a guy like that won't do much for my reputation.

Yeah, we wouldn't want it getting around what a nice guy you are.

All right, I'll do it.

- But just this once, OK? - Good.

To make it really special, I even got you guys an authentic Indian tepee.

- Chet's setting it up this afternoon. - He's gonna set up a tepee? Where?

It was nice of you to invite me to sleep over, Ben.

Yeah, sure, no sweat. Glad to do it.

It's the first time I've been invited to sleep over at someone's house.

It's no big deal, Norm. Don't worry about it.

I brought you something.

This is for me?

- It must have cost you a fortune! - Not really. I made it myself.

This beadwork must have taken forever.

Well, I haven't much else to do with my time.

And I thought you might want to have it.

I gotta be honest with you, Norm.

I don't understand why you do something like this.

Because I wanted to. We're part of the same tribe and everything.

If you don't like it, you can tell me. My feelings won't get hurt.

I like it very much, Norm. Thanks.

You know what? I got an idea. You wanna play some video games?

- Would I ever! - Let's do it.

I just got "Subhumanoid Slaughterhouse 5000". It's cool, but it's hard.

I didn't know it had come out yet. I'm still playing on the "2000".

"2000" is for wimps. "5000" is way better.

When you kill Gakmo, the commander, his head explodes like a gigantic zit.

Cool!

But you gotta watch out for Douglas, the vampire troll.

He's got these plasma rockets that can melt your skin off. It's the best.

Hey, Monroe!

- What are you wearing? - An Indian vest. What's it look like?

It looks like Gakmo the subhumanoid's head exploded all over your shirt.

- What are those things all over it? - They happen to be real Indian beads.

Don't you think you're getting a little heavy with this Indian thing?

You know, I knew you were going to get on my case.

But it's not as bad as we thought. I've learnt a lot of cool stuff.

For instance, do you know how to shoot a bow and arrow or throw a tomahawk?

- No. - Well, I do.

That should come in real handy next time you go buffalo hunting.

Next weekend, we're going on a canoe trip.

We'll go over white water rapids. It's gonna be great.

- Gee, sorry I can't come. - Nice Indian beads, buddy (!)

What's with the vest?

Can I join your Indian club too, please (?)

Looks like Chingach-dork is getting shoved into his locker again.

See what dressing up like an Indian gets you?

- Hey, where are you going? - I'm going to help him out.

- Hey! What do you think you're doing? - Talking to us, punk?

I can't watch this.

Let him go, or face the consequences.

(KARATE NOISES)

Sorry about that, Norm. I thought it'd work.

That's OK, Ben. I appreciate the effort.

You know, it's not so bad in here. It's kind of peaceful.

Yeah, it's amazing how you get used to it after a while.

Hello, is anybody out there?

Can someone please help us?

Ready for the big canoe trip? We're going over white water rapids!

Some of us might fall out! Be torn to bits by man-eating salmon!

As soon as Jack gets here, we're vapour.

So, did Jack mention when he was going to be here?

He had to finish some work, but he promised he'd be here by noon.

If he promised, then he'll be here.

Oh, great, I'm going to be late. I can't be late!

This is it!

What's going on here? My brakes are out!

Bye-bye, Sturges! Have a nice life!

Ooh!

- Whoa! - Watch it!

Oh, no!

No brakes! Sorry, no brakes!

- Hey, what happened? - Did you see that?

Come on, follow me!

What happened over here? Come on, buddy, move it!

- I don't believe it! - He should be dead by now.

Don't worry about it. It was an unlucky break.

We'll get another chance.

Let's get out of here before somebody sees us.

Over here, over here.

It's already 12.47. We should get going. Time's a-wasting.

I was sure Jack would be here by now. I wonder what happened?

Yeah, you're right. Poor Ben.

Someone's going to have to tell him. Either one of you guys want to do it?

Cowards. OK, guys, time to go. Let's load up.

Listen, Ben, Red won't let us wait any longer for Jack.

Oh. Sure, Mr Bronski. I understand.

Jack has a very important job. It's not like me or Lloyd or Red.

So I'm sure whatever is keeping him has got to be pretty important, too.

Hey, you want to come along with us? Norm and I'll do all the paddling!

No thanks, Mr Bronski. I don't feel much like going anyway.

- You sure? - Absolutely.

You guys go ahead and have a great time. I'll be OK.

Hey, Ben? Hey-ha-wa-ya.

Hi, honey. What are you doing back so early? Where's Jack?

He didn't show up.

What do you mean he didn't show up? What happened?

He promised he'd be there, but he never showed up.

So the other guys went on without me.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry, but I'm sure there's an explanation.

- He found something better to do. - No, I know he wouldn't do that.

Just like you knew Dad wouldn't do anything like that?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- Oh, my God, what happened to you? - I got caught in a sudden downpour.

- When was it raining? - I'll tell you about it later.

- I need to talk to Ben first. - I'll get you a towel.

I'm really sorry I missed the canoe trip, Ben.

I had car trouble and I just couldn't make it.

Don't worry about it.

I wanted to be there, Ben! I really did!

Could you get out of the chair with your wet clothes, please?

- He's really taking this hard. - He was looking forward to this trip.

And he was counting on you to be there.

Believe me, what happened was unavoidable.

I'm sure it was. But without meaning to, you broke a promise to him,

which unfortunately is something his father used to do all the time.

- I guess I have to pay for that. - It goes with the territory.

- I'll go talk to him. - No, wait a minute. I'll do it.

(TAP ON DOOR)

- Ben, can I talk to you for a sec? - Yeah, sure. Do what you want.

I know you're mad at me, and there's no reason for you to believe me.

But I'm going to make this up to you. I swear.

- You know the July 4th camping trip? - Yeah, what about it?

I give you my word nothing's going to interfere with it.

We're going to go and have the best time we ever had. OK? I promise.

- Yeah, sure. - OK, good.

It looks like your hunch was right, Jack. That was no accident you had.

According to the police, your brake lines were cut.

Somebody wants you dead.

It'd be a good idea if we transfer you to the Portland office for a while.

Until we find out who's behind this. I'll put the Feds on it right away.

We'll have it wrapped up by the end of July.

End of July? Forget it, Bob. Can't do it.

- Excuse me? - Can't do it, Bob.

What do you mean? This isn't a negotiation, it's an order.

Well, then, you can fire me, or I'll quit.

Either way, I'm not going to Portland. I have more important things to do.

Do you mind telling me what's more important than staying alive?

Right now...a camping trip with Ben.

- How about a sing-along? - What do you wanna sing?

- Why not "Louie, Louie"? - I believe that's "Louie, Lou-eye".

- And the boys won't know the lyrics. - That's the great thing. Nobody does.

- You can mumble anything you want. - Who needs words anyway, right, Dad?

(LLOYD WHISTLES)

What do you say? Take it!

(EVERYBODY AD-LIBS "LOUIE-LOUIE")

Da-da-da-da-da

Louie-Louie oh, way down low

Yeah, yeah, yeah I said Louie-Louie

Oh, baby...

A fine little girl...

(SONG CONTINUES)

Jeez, Ben, there's a lot of stuff here. Sure glad it's a single.

Imagine putting up a two-bedroom tepee.

I can't, but that's a funny concept.

That was my subtle way of asking for help.

You have to be more obvious, Jack. I'm a kid. I don't get subtleties.

- OK, fine. Wanna give me a hand? - I'd rather not. My back's sore.

All right. I'll ask somebody else, then.

Hey, Lloyd? Can you help me out?

Let's make him laugh. We'll have this up in no time!

(WHISTLES)

Lloyd says, "In a New York minute!"

Let's do it.

I'm all right. This looks good.

This is long. Perfect. I need these for the...?

We have to cross these, Lloyd. They should all be the same height.

Then we make a cross. Make sure they're the same height.

This is good. Just pull it over with a little more of an angle. Good.

Ow, ow, ow!

I'd better hold it.

Try to keep this on an angle so we can slip this over and through.

Ow, ow! You got me in the foot again, Lloyd!

Good job! Thanks, Lloyd.

Let's get some water or something.

Nice job on the tent, Sturges.

Let's settle in. We'll spend the night.

Well, it doesn't get much better than this, eh, guys?

- Anybody feel like a story? - Excellent idea.

- Can I borrow your headdress, Chet? - Sure.

Be very careful.

Thank you. Very good.

OK, now. This is a very old Indian legend,

passed down from generation to generation.

Either that or I saw it on an episode of "F Troop".

Remember that show where all the Indians were played by Italian actors?

Them all talk like this.

Real Native Americans don't talk like that.

Yes, Squatting Dog know this. But intend use only for comic effect.

OK.

Many moon ago, was young Lakota brave name Young Crab.

So called because him always in lousy mood.

Especially after father skip camp with secretary.

Leave Young Crab all alone take care of mother, name Lotsa Hair.

Years go by. Young Crab and Lotsa Hair become inseparable.

Build new life.

Young Crab so happy, he think about change name to Happy Face.

But then one day Lotsa Hair bring home

incredibly handsome Lakota warrior, name Looks So Darn Good.

(LAUGHTER)

She say, "This Looks So Darn Good. I've decided to marry him.

"Can blame me? I mean, check it out one time."

Young Crab not like Looks So Darn Good from get-go.

Not like way he ruin happy life Young Crab have with Lotsa Hair.

So do all he can to make Looks So Darn Good look not so darn hot.

Pour glue in moccasin.

Order ten pizza delivered to Looks So Darn Good's tepee.

Run up big bills calling 1-900 numbers.

Little Guides not try at home!

Young Crab need discipline. Perhaps trip to wood shed in order.

No, no, Silver Fox. Young Crab not need discipline.

Him just scared Look So Darn Good do same thing as father.

Run away. Hurt Lotsa Hair and Young Crab all over again.

Look So Darn Good must prove himself trustworthy.

Good medicine, Running Horse, but trust funny thing.

No matter how hard one try, sooner or later bound to screw up.

Break trust. Not mean to, but hey, poo happens.

(LAUGHTER)

- What can guides learn from this? - Most important thing...

Guides must never call 1-900 numbers without parents' permission.

Good point, Silver Fox. But way off, as usual.

I think the lesson is about the importance of communication.

Silent Thunder and Talking Rock correct. Communication first step.

I think it means you have to have faith in people.

Even if sometimes they disappoint you.

Dark Eagle hit nail right on head.

Great story. And a good lesson for all of us.

Good story, Jack!

- I'm hungry, Dad. When are we eating? - We gotta catch our breakfast.

- Hey, Chief, is that coffee ready? - Just about!

- Can we have bacon and eggs? - If it's in the stream.

- Morning, Jack! How did you sleep? - Fine, fine. Have you seen Ben?

Yeah, I asked him to go down to the creek and fill up the canteens.

I'm glad you asked him and not me, or we'd all die of thirst.

Remember what I told you.

"Keep at it". But I got to tell you, Chet, I'm about ready to give up.

I've tried everything to get through to him. It's just not working.

It takes time. Believe it or not, you're doing fine.

Yeah, real fine.

Come on, Tony, you're ruining your suit!

Arrh-arrh-arrh...

I got one! I got one!

Hey, look at this! I caught a fish! I'm a regular Jacques Cousteau!

This is the first time I fished in my life! I could actually enjoy this!

Murray, after we kill the Sturges guy, can we do this again?

Jack.

- Jack, Jack! - What's the matter?

There's some guys over there. One of them said they're here to kill you.

- Where are they? - Over there, by the creek.

- Enough with the fishing already! - Just one more. I'm good at this.

If you were as good at arranging car accidents, Sturges would be dead.

And we wouldn't be here in the forest like Robin Hood and his Merry Men!

What accident are they talking about? You just had car trouble.

- Yes, but I didn't tell you how much. - So tell me now.

Jack, tell me!

They did something to the brakes so I ended up in the bay. No big deal.

- Why didn't you tell me? - I didn't want to worry you.

I thought you made up the car trouble story to get out of the trip!

If you'd said you had an accident I wouldn't have gotten so upset.

Sorry. I tried to do the right thing.

Chet, I need you to do something for me.

Some guys followed me up here. They're sort of after me.

What do you mean?

I sent a man to prison and his son's a little upset about it.

What do you want us to do?

You and the boys head to the ranger station for help.

- I'll lead them up the mountain. - We could stay here and help, Jack.

I concur with Silent Thunder. There must be something we can do.

Thanks, but they're after me, not you. It's too dangerous to stay together.

All right. We'll get back as quick as we can. Little Guides, let's move out!

- That means you too, Ben. - No way. I'm staying with you.

- You're not staying with me. - But I can help.

You could be more help by making sure the others get down OK.

Go on, get out of here. I mean it.

Ben! Thanks anyway. I appreciate it.

- I'll meet you on the other side. - I bet you we beat you there!

I got you now, Sturges.

Murray! Tony! Get ready. The fun is about to begin.

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Great. Just what I need.

(FAINT FOOTSTEPS)

(FOOTSTEPS DRAW CLOSER)

(SNEEZES)

- Gesundheit. - Ben, what are you doing here?

- I came back here to help you. - I don't need any help.

What were you planning to do when those guys found you?

Lie there and pretend to be a slug?

Exactly. Get out of here. You're blowing my cover.

You can't tell me what to do. You're not my father.

I knew you'd say that eventually.

Oh, Jeez.

- How's the leg? - Except for the pain, it's great.

Then we can't outrun them.

We'll have to slow them up until the others get back with help.

These guys are hired killers with guns.

We've got bows and arrows and a tomahawk.

We're going to need more than that.

Red Crow told me that when you need an answer,

you just listen to nature and the answer will be provided.

- How do you know he wasn't kidding? - Trust me.

OK, I'll listen.

Could you ask nature to speak up?

- I can't hear a thing. - Shh!

(BUZZING)

Thank you, Red Crow.

Slow and easy!

Hold on, don't get away from me!

Easy, Ben. Don't shake it.

That's good. Steady.

- What's the matter with you? - I slipped.

Murray, get him on his feet.

Come on, you look ridiculous!

Hey, don't touch the suit!

You guys go that way, I'm going this way.

- Does this guy know what he's doing? - I don't know.

My suit's full of twigs. My cleaner will never get them out.

Well, I got fish goop on my pants!

- Never get us a job like this again! - Don't worry, I won't.

Indian stuff!

- You got it. - We got him.

- OK, you ready? - Ready, let's do it.

Look, more of that beaded junk. They gotta be around here somewhere.

(WHISTLE)

- Look! There's his kid. - What's he doing?

He's gonna shoot us with his little bow and arrow.

- Ooh, I'm really scared. - Yeah, maybe we should take cover.

Beehive!

Tony, they're biting me! Tell them to leave me alone!

(BUZZING AND SCREAMING)

- Good shot, Little Wing! - You, too, Squatting Dog.

We really ought to think about changing my name.

Good idea. How about "Dead Meat"?

Not so tough now, are you, Sturges?

If you wanna beg for your life like a little worm, go ahead!

You know, Joey, I expected something better from you.

What are you talking about?

Come on, Joey. The old seal-them up-in-an-abandoned-mine routine?

- What's wrong with it? - It's boring!

Shows a complete lack of imagination.

And I suppose you could think of something better?

Without even trying.

You could hurl us off a cliff onto jagged rocks.

That's not any better.

But first you drill holes in the back of our heads

to make it look like an industrial accident.

Or you could wrap us in wet rawhide, so when it dried it'd mash our bones

and squeeze our organs out through our orifices like toothpaste.

- I saw it on "America's Most Wanted". - Listen, Sturges, this kid is sick.

If I wasn't going to kill you, I'd suggest you get him psychiatric help.

Tony, light the fuse before this little demento gets any more ideas.

Bye-bye, Sturges.

Bye-bye, kid!

- Jack, what are we going to do? - Don't worry, Ben, it'll be OK.

What the hell is this? Charades?

He says, "Throw down your weapons or you'll end like stupid pincushions."

- Actually, he didn't say "stupid" . - Yeah, right.

Like I'm going to surrender to one screwball with a bow and arrow?

Murray, put a bullet in his head.

Excuse me there.

Point of order. I believe it's illegal to possess firearms in a state park.

As a representative of the Department of Motor Vehicles, a state agency,

I have to confiscate those weapons.

Oh, now there's two of them! I'm really scared.

Make that three.

- Four! - Five!

Six!

We're surrounded! What do we do now, Joey?

They've got bows. You got guns. What do you think you do? Shoot them!

OK, Guides, let them have it!

GERONIMO!

- That's it! No more playing around. - I don't think so, Joey.

Here's another piece of garbage you can add to the pile.

Sure thing, Squatting Dog. OK, dirt bags, on your feet!

Remember, no smart stuff, I got the gun. Come on, get up!

Wow!

- You guys OK? - Yeah. Thanks for coming back.

Hey, we're Indian Guides. And Indian Guides stick together.

Besides, if we'd tried to get to the ranger station, we'd have got lost.

Thanks, Lloyd! That was a great shot.

(WHISTLES)

You know, Ben, those are the weirdest guys I've ever met. But I like them.

Yeah, they're definitely unusual. But who wants normal, anyway. Right?

Ben, I want to thank you, too, for coming back. It was very brave.

Well, I couldn't just let them kill you.

After all, I think my mom wants to keep you around for a while.

And, well...

I guess I do, too.

Let's go home.

So, now that we're buddies, is it OK if I marry your mom?

I don't know, Jack. There are a few things I need to know about you first.

- Is that all you make? - It's not exactly minimum wage.

I thought you were a big-shot attorney for the government.

They make up for it in benefits.

Which will be handy when they replace the teeth I'll knock out of your head.

- Any bad habits I should know about? - I drink milk from the carton.

Sometimes I use a spoon and put it back in the drawer.

Any chance of you becoming a serial killer and boiling our heads in acid?

Don't be silly! I haven't done that in years.

- So? Do I pass the test? - You'll do, I guess.

- Do you mind if I tell your mother? - Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Oh, by the way, that thing about boiling heads? I lied.

- Jack! - OK, I didn't lie.

Come here. Look what you've done.

It's a circle.

- Sandy! - Mom!

- What's the matter? - Come here. Look what Jack did.

Oh, what do you know?

It's done.

(INDIAN SONG)

Love, love...

As you probably figured out, I let Jack marry my mother.

It seemed only fair after what I put him through.

Jack and I still go to Indian Guides. We made him our chief.

Next week, we're making reindeer out of clothes-pins.

Mr Sweeney is still a perfectionist.

The Indian Guides issued a new handbook,

so he's busy memorising that one.

He says he's already found two typos.

Look into your heart, my friend That'll be the return to yourself

The return to innocence

Mr Small still doesn't talk. I haven't figured out why yet.

But when you think about it, Darryl was right. Who needs words anyway?

(INDIAN SINGING)

The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh If you must, then start to cry

Be yourself, don't hide

Just believe in destiny don't care what people say...

Mr Bronski still acts like a big kid most of the time.

But just because you grow up, it doesn't mean you stop having fun.

Norman still gets stuffed into his locker.

But with me around at least now he has some company.

Monroe's beginning to come around.

He says he may join the Indian Guides,

as long as he doesn't have to sleep outside on the ground.

If you'd told me two months ago I'd enjoy being an Indian Guide,

I'd have said you were crazy. But it's funny how things turn out.

And my mom? Well, I never saw her so happy.

I'll tell you one thing's for sure: Jack's a really lucky guy.

But then again, so am I.

(INDIAN SONG)

(INAUDIBLE)

I'd like to tell you we all lived happily ever after,

but it's too soon to tell.

There's a lesson to be learned from all this.

Sometimes you have to trust people and hope everything works out.

I mean, after all, nothing's perfect, is it?