All language subtitles for Mad About You s07e22 The Final Frontier 2

Previously, I'm mad about you.

I blame my parents.

This nice man married for Daddy and me.
You guys know I'm not really a minister,

right?

No.

Well, okay.

I'm not.

We're... We're not married now.

All right, here's what we'll do. Here's
what we'll do. We'll go down to City

Hall. We'll get married. We'll sign our
regular thing. And then, bing, bang,

boom, problem solved.

When? When what? When are we getting
married?

You, Jamie...

Buckman, take Paul Buckman to be your
lawful wedded husband. I don't want to

married.

I ask this question objectively, in
earnest, and without bias.

Who do you think was responsible for my
parents' breakup?

The one who ran away from the altar and
changed her mind three times about

whether or not her partner should have
painful private surgery?

Or the other guy?

What? I'm changing my name. It's not
Mabel anymore. It's Sonia.

Okay. Um, may I ask why?

Because Mabel's stupid.

I... Listen, Mabel... Sonia.

Pardon me.

Say it.

Sonia. Say it nice. All right, Mabel...
It's Sonia.

Thank you.

Why Sonia? Because I like it. Your
grandmother thought of Mabel. You know,

an acronym.

A what?

The letters M -A -B -E -L stand for
Mothers Always Bring Extra Love.

Well, Sonia's an acronym, too.

It is? For what?

Some other name you asked.

My father had his own way of dealing
with my mother. He would keep

certain pieces of information to
himself.

Honey, you didn't so much get that
second vasectomy, did you?

Why? Because I am remarkably pregnant.

No, I did not.

But I've done so many other things that
you did ask me to.

Mabel, sweetheart, boys and girls are
different.

They're not so different that they're
totally different.

They're the same in that they're both
different.

You see, sweetie,

I believe the children are our future.

Touch them well and let them lead the
way.

Show them all the beauty they possess
inside.

Give them a sense of pride.

My darling.

Let's just get back to this.

So let me ask you this.

Are you going to change your name back
to Stemple?

What do you mean?

Well, we're not actually married.

No, sweetie, everything stays exactly
the same.

Oh, my God. Go away.

The apartment is not for rent.

Huh? Who's that?

It's your parents. Bart and Sylvia
Bartman. Yes, sorry.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thanks.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. What has it been,
seven years now? Seven beautiful years.

That's not nothing.

Let me ask you something.

If we had just been together for the
last seven years, but we weren't

married, that would still be not
nothing, right?

No, there would be nothing.

Really? Yeah, you'd be like Cousin
Elliot and what's -her -name.

What is her name? Exactly. If they were
married, we'd all know.

Until you make an official, you're just
playing house.

You've got to make a statement. You've
got to stand up in front of the whole

world and say, I love this girl.

Then there's a record of it in City
Hall, all typed up nice and everything.

Otherwise, you're just kidding around.

I smell a diaper.

Oh, give me. No, no, no. We'll do it.
Come on, Bert. You got a little thing

there. Thank you, sweetie. Come on. Come
on.

Don't even say it.

What?

They're your parents. We're us. We,
don't forget, are very hip. We don't

City Hall. We don't need a piece of
paper. We're us.

Hi. Hi. I understand your apartment is
for rent?

Oh, you know, sadly, that is a misprint.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, is this your wife?

Uh, no, not really. Oh.

See, I found it. Last one in the city,
but I found it. One big seat, one little

seat, two kids, one carriage. One big
happy family.

It happens.

These things happen.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not your fault.

You did everything right.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Turns out I wanted it.

And so, I'm an only child.

So, the manager blames it on my feet.
Yeah, that's the problem. The shoes that

you made are fine.

My feet that God made are clearly
defective. I don't understand. You can

monkey to Pluto. You can't make a high
-heeled sandal that doesn't lacerate my

calf. Fran. I'm sorry.

What? He left me.

What?

Paul. He left me.

Oh, my God.

What happened? When did this happen?

Last night, but I think it's been on its
way for a long time.

Why?

Well... What did he say?

He said I'm unkind.

What does that mean?

He said I've changed, and that maybe
this way will be better for both of us.

He's in...

Idiot, your husband.

Maybe he's right. I mean, I have
changed. How could I not? I was 26 when

We used to be very kind to each other.
But then there's the kid, and I'm always

worried about her, and there's just not
as much time to be kind. Who has that

kind of time? And then she grows up, and
there you are. It's just the two of

you, and nobody even remembers how to be
nice. So am I less nice? Sure.

Am I unkind?

Okay. Fine.

You are an idiot.

Wasn't that nice? I'm sorry.

You think I like to say this?

It hurts me to say this. But I'm not
going to beat around the bush. You, my

friend, you are a phenomenal idiot.

You know, Mark, if I'm not mistaken, you
left Fran once upon a time.

Yes, you're right. I was young.

Look at you. You're old.

You're young.

That's why Social Security starts for
you in three hours, because your soul is

gone.

I mean, we always fought, but when the
fights were over, we were closer.

By the end, it wasn't even fighting. It
was just criticism and complaining and

poking and prodding. Okay.

All I know is I can't always be wrong,
you know? Some of what I do must be

right. Who cares? Who cares?

Who cares who's right or wrong?

Who's got the strength to keep track?
You just stay married and shut up.

Why?

Why?

Because it's better.

Listen, you know, nobody believed that
more than me. Oh, I know. I know. But we

were miserable.

Do you understand that? Jamie and I, we
were both miserable. So who are you not

to be miserable?

No. At a certain point, you have to say,
okay, who is this for?

I mean, who's winning here?

Nobody. But you love Jamie.

Of course.

Very much.

So?

So I'll be the bad guy. So I'm...
I'll... Let me be the one who says, you

what?

Why don't we just let each other live?

Till death do you part. That's what it
says. Death. Not a lack of kindness.

The vows are very specific. In other
words, you don't leave.

That's the one thing you don't do. You
think I haven't felt...

Good, and fed up plenty of times.
Believe me, I have. Many, many times.

didn't leave, did I? No. No, I stayed.

Right.

Well, he left.

Good times.

Here's something.

Our dog Murray died when I was six.

So naturally, my parents told me about
it when I was 12.

Okay, I've had it with you two.

Uh -oh. Now what?

If one human year equals seven dog
years, that would make Murray 210.

So? So, you've lied. That isn't Murray.

Listen, Mabel... Sonia.

Some very special dog... Save it, Ma.

Murray died, didn't he? And you got
another dog who looked just like Murray,

didn't you?

I mean, who does such a thing?

Thereafter, my parents promised they'd
be straight with me.

Sweetheart, last night, your
grandfather,

unexpectedly, and in his sleep, moved to
Florida.

Paulie, keep up with the hearse.

Are you grieving or are you driving?

Oh, very nice. Chew my head off. I'm a
widow.

Sorry.

You're right.

You know, sometimes in the silence, I
can feel his presence.

Couldn't be sorrier.

Hello? I guess it's true what they say.
Life goes on.

No, no, no, absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

No, no, no, absolutely not.

What? Hold on.

It's the tenant board. They say we can
have the apartment, but now they want

money. Key money?

What is that? It's a bribe, basically.

Honestly, must you do this now? I'm
sorry, Ma. It's just that we have a

to get the apartment across the hall
from us, but only if we do it today.

What, the Scottish people?

The English people.

Right. Yeah. So, what? Pay them the key
money.

Really? Yes, sure.

The wall can come down and you finally
have a room for Mabel. What are you

waiting for?

Yes, Temple Tom, yes.

Done. We will get you the check.

Thank you.

So it's ours?

It's ours.

Okay. This is a good day. It really is.

Can you imagine the seal you wash your
palm?

You're right. Very inappropriate for a
funeral.

It's not that. It's a figure. There's
got to be a better fabric.

Oh.

I didn't get potato salad, just
coleslaw. Come on.

People love coleslaw. And so, you want
me to go get?

And that's why they call it intercourse.

Sexual intercourse. I'm saying.

Sweetheart, do you understand any of
this?

I'm on the pill.

Okay, so then you know.

That was the moment my father decided I
was growing up too fast.

And so began our Sunday morning, buy the
newspaper, buy some bagels, get an

Italian ice, and make fun of perfectly
innocent people in the street ritual.

My mother and I also had our rituals.

No! I'm saying yes! No! Yes! No!

Yes!

No! Yes!

My therapist said that the reason I
clash with my mother so much is that

so very alike.

No! That statement alone upped me from
two sessions to three sessions a week.

My grandfather used to say, out of pain,
beauty does come.

He also used to say, plant one right
here, tiger puss. You know, so some

were more resonant than others.

And what I did was I took my pain, I
poured it into my work, and I waited for

beauty.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, what do you got there, a knife?

She's stabbing Bob.

I'm bleeding a lot.

Well, who wants pie?

We'll see you there. All right, Pauline.
Okay.

Want to get some pie?

I don't think so.

Okay.

Well,

it was good to see you.

You too.

Think you and me were supposed to be
Bob?

Oh, let's say no.

How's the apartment?

Good.

Did you ever think we'd be these people?

No, I did not.

I just want to say, if I did, um...

in some way that made you feel... No,
hey, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't have to.

That's okay.

Okay.

But I do think it's better this way.

Don't you think? I do.

I do, too.

Okay, so you take care of yourself.

You, too. Okay.

Did you just kiss me?

No.

I didn't think so.

Buy me some pie?

And he bought her pie, and he took her
home, and he never left.

Yes, it was not my best film.

I see that now.

But it was what I would call a hugely
successful screening.

To me, there is no greater act of
courage than being the one who kisses

And bearing that in mind...

I ask all of you who are not my mother
to turn around for a second.

Mom, I love you.

Okay, everybody, you can turn back
around.

I said at the beginning that I blame my
parents, and I do.

I blame them for making me crazy.

I blame them for being so difficult.

But most of all, I blame them for making
it impossible for me.

to dismiss the idea that love can
actually work out.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here
today.

Actually, we're gathered here almost
tomorrow.

Sorry again about the late hour. Yes, we
want to keep the same anniversary,

so... Happy to be here, flattered to be
asked.

Although, we are moving right along here
on midnight, so I should just kind

of... Please, by all means.

Paul, do you take Jamie to be your wife
to have and to hold and love and to

cherish till death do you part?

I do.

Jamie, do you take Paul to be your
husband to have and to hold and love and

cherish till death do you part?

I do.

Are you sure?

Yes. Well, you know, the last time we
talked... I understand.

Well,

you got the rings and the witnesses
asleep in the crib and the dog's lost

interest, so I guess we can move right
along.

By the power vested in me, I now
pronounce you man and wife.

And we got seven seconds left, so you
can kiss each other squarely on the

Well, I'm out of here.

Okay. There you go. We're all signed up.
Here's your certificate right there.

I'm going to leave you my card in case
you ever want to get a hold of me. I am

certified public accountant and also a
notary public, and I can fix a boat.

Well... Well?

We are married.

Yes, we are.

Old, official, typed up, nice and
everything. Yep.

I gotta say, it feels, uh... It feels...
What am I trying to say? It feels...

Exactly the same? Very much, yes.

Did we rush him too much? I don't know,
maybe we did. Is there actually a couple

of things I would have said if he'd
given us a minute or two?

Really? Me too.

Really? Yeah, well, I know you're pretty
good now.

I would have been a little more
specific.

What would you have said?

I would have said I love you.

Well, that's not so specific.

No, but I really love you.

Oh.

And I would have said I know life is a
big, dangerous thing.

You know, it's stronger and smarter and
sneakier than us.

But here's what I got.

I will always love you.

So never doubt that, no matter what.

So that's what I would have said.

What would you have said?

I would have said... I would have said
that there are millions of things I

but only one thing I really need.

And if you ever decided to leave me, I
would go and find you and bring you

because you'd be wrong.

See, now that's a wedding. Yeah.

How do you like being married so far?

I like it very much.

You hungry? Not really. Okay.

Come here.

Thank

you

for a wonderful engagement.

It has been my pleasure.

You turn around.

Then you ask me behind tears of doubt.

Just what do I see in you?

Please don't cry.

I know sometimes the things we barely
get by.

But you don't see how much you do.

Oh, to get me.

When the world is cold And I need a
friend to

hold You give me love, you give me love,
baby And when my hope

is gone And I feel I can't go on You
pick me

up, you give me love, you give me love

Oh, baby, I apologize

if I never told you what you are in my
eyes.

Oh, baby, let me tell you now.

Every day, the sweet unknowing will be
there

in every way.

Now, how can you say that's not enough?

Cause when the world is cold And I need
a friend to

hold You give me love, you give me love,
baby

Morning sun and midnight fires.

Someone there to share my dreamer with
you.

So in case you're interested, here's
what happened to everybody.

Ira and Marianne ended up with eight
children, one from every continent and

from New Jersey.

Mark and Fran invited an adventuresome
Swedish couple into their marriage, and

they've never been happier.

Marvin became an international wrestling
champion, fighting under the persona

Angry Tina.

Debbie and Joan got married in Hawaii
after it finally became legal for keeps.

Debbie's husband still thinks it's a
phase.

And he phones on the first of every
month and says, come on.

Dr. Sheila Kleinman became my therapist.

I think she's very good.

My grandma moved to Boca Raton, Florida,
but it didn't take.

So then she moved into my parents'
building, but two floors down, so as not

intrude.

Aunt Lisa is exactly the same.

Nat Ostertag became the host of the
longest -running local cable TV show

entitled... Hey, dare, ho, dare, it's
your dog, dare.

Hal and Maggie Conway were found to be
spies and were deported back to England.

Nobody there likes them either.

Ursula Buffet, as you know, became
governor of New York.

Me?

I'm fine.

And these two, if you'll pardon the
expression, lived happily ever after.

You're fine.