All language subtitles for Mad About You s07e21 The Final Frontier 1

I love you like I do. And tell me who
can start my heart as much as you.

Tell me all your secrets.

I'll tell you most of mine.

They say nobody's perfect.

Well, that's really true this time.

I don't have the answers.

I don't have a plan.

All I have is you. So, baby, help me
understand. You can whisper in

my ear where we go.

Who knows what happens after here?

Let's take each other's hand and jump
into the final frontier.

Final frontier.

Final frontier.

I blame my parents.

I've been engaged four times to three
different men, and if you're doing the

math, that's a lot of angry people.

First, there was this guy.

Then there was this guy.

And then there was this guy.

And you remember this gentleman from the
first photo.

Leave a guy at the altar once, and it
stings.

The second time, apparently highly
destructive.

How you like me so far?

Let's begin, shall we, with a story that
has become almost folklore in my

family. It was 1999, so I'm one, and
it's my parents' anniversary.

So what do you want to do?

I'm totally open. A concert or a theater
or maybe a fancy dinner?

What says anniversary?

Certainly not that.

Honey, look up for me, won't you? Is
there a hawk or an ostrich of some sort?

Oh, paint, I'm so happy.

Hey, we know you.

Hey.

Hey! Paul and Jamie, right? Yeah, Larry,
right?

Lenny. Lenny, right. This is so wild.
You know it's our anniversary today. No,

it is not. Yes, it is. Seven years ago
today. That is deeply ironic.

Oh, come here. Look what we did.

Look.

This nice man married for Daddy and me.

Hello, small pretty person. Lenny, I
tell you, your wedding was so special to

us. Just this secret little ceremony. It
really was. You're probably confused,

but Lenny is also an ordained minister.

Now, Mabel, you know better than to
believe that, don't you? What do you

You guys know I'm not really a minister,
right?

No.

Well, okay.

I'm not.

How can that be? You said you were.

Yeah.

Yes, but... Okay.

At the official ceremony, we thought we
were already married by you. We didn't

even fill out the paperwork for that
one. Didn't even fill out... You know

we wrote on the certificate?

Lois Lane marries Humpty Dumpty.

Funny. Funny, not the point, really.

We're... We're not married now.

Sorry. But you've invalidated our entire
marriage now.

Sorry.

You've made our daughter illegitimate
now.

Sorry.

So.

I'm the bastard child of idiot parents.

My therapist tells me, yes, I'm in
therapy, but in my parents' defense,

sought help.

A lot of help.

Paul and Jamie, I don't know if you've
been keeping track, but this is your 1

,000th therapy session. Is that true?

Yes, it is.

Dear God.

Wow. 1 ,000?

Wow, so that's...

That's like... Ten glorious years.

No, no, I know, but... $116 ,000.

Dear God.

But I digress.

How can we not be married?

Yuck!

Our entire marriage is a lie.

It's not a lie. Yes, it is. For the last
seven years, we have not been what we

thought we were. Our whole universe is
based on a false foundation. Doesn't

bother you?

Oh, man.

What? I asked for onions. They gave me
sprouts.

When I tell someone my husband will be
back at six, it's a lie.

I'll be back at six. Yes, but you're not
my husband.

All right, good. So stop yelling at me,
then.

We'll take it.

I'm sorry? Your apartment. It's listed
for rent.

What? This is our apartment, but it's a
mistake.

Oh. So you're not leaving?

No. You're staying? Uh -huh. Yes.

Good, then.

Yes, well, what a relief.

Right then.

Come, Hal.

Yes.

See you in the halls.

Nice, huh?

Honey.

All right, here's what we'll do. Here's
what we'll do. We'll go down to City

Hall, we'll get married, we'll sign our
regular thing, and then bing, bang,

boom, problem solved. When?

When what?

When are we getting married?

Whenever you want.

Thursday afternoon, Friday in the
morning, I'm good? No, it has to be

Why? Because today's our anniversary.

I want to keep the same anniversary.

All right, so let's go.

Ask me.

All right.

Can we go?

Ask me to marry you.

Oh.

Will you marry me?

These are the people that prepared me to
go out into the world.

You see, Mabel,

Sweetheart, boys and girls are
different.

Girls have... Boys have...

Boys and girls... Honey?

See, Mabel, when a man loves a woman, he
can't keep his

mind on nothing else.

He'd trade the world...

For the good thing he's found.

If she's bad, he can't see it.

She can do no wrong. Honey?

Let us get back to you.

My parents actually did a great deal of
family planning.

So let me get this straight. They cut
his peepee? No, not the peepee. Inside

peepee. Way inside. Oh, good. It's not
that bad. The doctor said that within 36

hours of the vasectomy, he'll have total
sensation in his groin again. Is this

something?

Poor Paul's pee -pee.

It's really inside.

Oh, God. Look, we gave this a lot of
thought, and I decided that one kid is

enough. More than enough.

Thank you.

I mean, where is it written that every
child must have a sibling?

Well, where would you be?

What? I mean, if Mom and Dad stopped
with me, there wouldn't be you.

And I wouldn't have had a little sister
to play with and dress up and magic

marker the walls with. And no matter
what happens, always be my friend and

me.

You know, the procedure is reversible.

What's the

matter?

I think we made a mistake.

Where?

My mother the handful.

You sure we need to go halfway to the
end of Long Island to do this? The

the town, the shorter the line.

Next, please. See?

Hello. Hi, how are you? Just fine, thank
you.

We'd like to get married. Oh, wonderful.
Come to the right spot.

Yes, sir.

Hello, hi, how are you? Hello. Is this
the lucky lady?

This is her.

Wonderful, isn't it?

Okay, well, looks like you're all set
here.

Oh, we have the same last name.

Yes, but they're pronounced differently.

Buckman and Buckman.

Yeah, so it's subtle, but it's there.
It's there. It is, isn't it? Yes.

Isn't that wonderful?

What I'm going to need from you now is
$10, American.

You got it.

Sounds like a reasonable thing. Oh, you
know what? I don't even know if I have a

chance.

What would you say?

$7 .52. How do you leave the house? You
were supposed to go to the bank for me.

No, I wasn't. Yes, you did. No, never.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Boy, this
marriage thing is going to be a piece of

cake for you to it.

Okay, well, now why don't you just take
this, and you're going to go right into

the chapel here, and the justice of the
peace is going to take you the rest of

the way. Thank you so much. God bless
you.

He's a nice guy, huh?

I miss him.

Fine, thank you.

Well, this is Phyllis.

Hello. She throws a rice.

25 cents one throw, 40 cents two.

Okay, well, why don't we get right on
it? Now, here's what... Oh, don't you

to walk down the aisle?

Okay.

Just go right back.

There you go, right there. That's good.
Okay, and you, sir, right over here.

Right here. Fine. Got it. Hey, heads up.
Oh, there you go.

Now, with the music.

Come forward. Okay.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here
today to marry this man and this woman.

Is there anybody present who might
object to this union?

Phil? I'm good.

Good.

Do you, Paul... Buckman? Uh -huh.
Buckman. Oh, you're the Buckman. Paul

Take Jamie Walkman to be your lawful
wedded wife, to have

and to hold through sickness and in
health till death do you part.

Yes, I absolutely do. Wonderful.

Do you, Jamie Walkman, take Paul...

Buckman, to be your lawful -witted
husband, to have and to hold, to love

cherish, through sickness and in health,
till death do you part.

Little louder.

We're going to need you to speak up a
little, sweetie.

Don't fool around now.

I don't want to get married.

Little early on the rice there, fellas.

And so apparently...

The apple doesn't fall far from the
tree.

You wanted to get married. I know, but
then I was standing at the altar and it

hit me. What we have is pretty good,
right? I don't want to screw it up.

Exactly. So all I'm saying is let's make
everything the way we always thought it

was anyway.

But the way it was was we were not
married.

Of course we were married. It just
wasn't labeled right.

It's like if you order chocolate.

And then it comes, and you eat it, and
you love it. But then, afterwards, the

waiter says, Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake.
That wasn't chocolate. That was root

beer.

Do you come back the next time and ask
for root beer? Yeah.

Well, it's the opposite with this.

Hi, I'm Ursula. I will not be your
waitress today.

What? What?

Yeah, my name is Ursula.

Yes, we know that. Good with that. Okay,
and I will not be your waitress today.

Yeah, usually I am, but today I'm not.

That's why I wanted to come over to say
that I'm not your waitress today.

And that my name is Ursula.

So that you wouldn't be confused.

Okay. Thank you.

Great. Can I take your order?

I bet you're not our waitress.

Okay. Do you know what you want?

Um, well... Oh, guess what else?

I'm running for employee of the month,
so make sure that you vote for me, all

right? That's an election type of thing?
The employee of the month? No, no. The

boss just picks who he likes.

Want to hear my slogan? Yes, please.
Sure.

Ursula, Ursula, she's our man. If she's
not Employee of the Month, nobody can.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Have you ever heard the expression,
intelligence is the ability to change

mind?

No, you have not. And you have not heard
that because it's not actually an

expression. It's just something my
mother used to say. But she would say

was, in fact, an expression.

But it's not.

Paul is being really great about this.
I'll say.

I mean, I probably pushed him into the
vasectomy to begin with. Yeah, probably.

I think on some level he was relieved
when I suggested we have it reversed.

What did they do? They just glue it back
on?

Way inside.

And now maybe we'll have a little
brother or sister and she'll help them

the schoolyard and she'll give them her
hand -me -downs. This is going to be

good. Well, I guess for her.

What? But what about for you?

Goodbye freedom, goodbye hips, and
goodbye career. You know, I actually

that 87 % of all mothers with two or
more kids never return back to the

workplace. They just end up feeling
broken and hollow and sad.

Hi, sweetie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

you say to her?

Stop bringing her to my vasectomies.

Fortunately, some of us gave much less
thought to having children.

Okay, now you can bring out the first
guest.

Okay, thank you, Mabel.

Well, welcome back to the show, ladies
and gentlemen.

My poncho, poncho, you're not on yet.
Jigs, please.

My first guest tonight is Border Collie,
Collie Mix.

He's the strapping little son of Murray.

and his charming bride, Clarabelle.

He's five and a half weeks old, recently
weaned. He enjoys sleeping, chasing his

tail around, and being colorblind.

Won't you please give a warm welcome to
Crackers.

Come on, Crackers.

Come on, Crackers. There he is.

Hello, Mr. Crackers.

Not yet, Poncho. I told you, you're not
on yet.

Crackers.

Okay, next guest.

Very quick for Crackers, but okay.

There he goes, my next guest, ladies and
gentlemen.

Interestingly enough, also a border
collie collie mix. Also five and a half

weeks old.

Let's see.

Oh, interesting.

He's a breech birth.

He enjoys eating garbage and then
regurgitating same -sex garbage.

Strange but true.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome,
please, Rusty.

We're looking for Rusty.

Come on, Rusty.

There he is. There's the Russ.

Whoa.

We were saving ads for our special
anniversary show.

Hey, Paulie. Hey, Marvin.

What are you doing here? Shouldn't you
be getting your second vasectomy right

about now?

There's nothing I tell you, Private.

It's been following the whole story.

It kills me.

First she gets you to do it. Then two
months later she gets you to undo it.

now... She's getting you to do it again.

To me, it's very entertaining.

Regrettably, I've learned that little
traumatic events can help lead to big

traumatic events.

Oh, look, there it is. A film by Mabel
Buckman. What kind of title is that,

Stabbing Bob?

She's angry.

Really? All right, we should save two
seats together because Mabel really

Paul and Jamie to sit next to each
other. I know.

Do they both know the other one's going
to be here? Yeah, they're going to be

mature. Hey, here they are.

Look at your Aunt Deb and Aunt Joan.

You know what, O?

Come kiss your aunties. Shania, you sit
there. Beavis, you sit in front of me.

Oh, damn it. Give me the pacifier.

You don't care.

Listen, why don't you come sit with me,
actually?

You know what?

We should save these two seats for Paul
and James, you know? Already done.

Oh, well, good.

No harm in trying, right?

Right. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you
eating?

What's the matter? He's eating popcorn
from the 5 o 'clock show.

Oh, eat them alone.

Hey. My daughter made a movie.

Oh, nice jacket.

Yeah, thank you.

Hi, sweetie.

Why don't you come sit there? Let's see.
Oh, here. Good, good. Hey, babies.

Say no. I'm going to say no.

Hey, there.

Thank God I'm not late. Not at all. Oh,
it's the mother of the filmmaker.

Hey, James.

Hi, Jamie.

Hey, Shania.

Hello, everybody. Sit here.

Okie dokie.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

How are you doing?

Good. How are you doing? Good.

Good.

Okay. There it is. Okay.

Ma is handing out little American flags
in just shoot me in half an hour or so.

Bless her.

Becker's next though on the Doc's pride
over his published article is slightly

marred by the horrific photograph
printed beside it.