All language subtitles for Mad About You s07e18 Stealing Burts Car

Itsy bitsy spider went up the water
spout. Down came the rain and washed

the spider out.

And the tipper gore has a lot of clout.
And

sometimes you said and you could start
to pout.

Some people have a very bad case of
gout.

And if you're not sure, that's called
you down.

That's how it goes.

Tell me why I

love you like I do. Tell me who can
start my heart as much as you.

Tell me all your secrets. I'll tell you
most of mine.

They say nobody's perfect.

Well, that's really true this time.

I don't have the answers.

I don't have a plan.

All I have is you, so baby, help me
understand. What we do.

And you can whisper in my ear. Where we
go.

Who knows what happens after here.

Let's take each other's hand and jump
into the final frontier.

Clam chowder, that would be a soup.

Rice cakes, that would be a snacking
item.

And pimentos, pimentos. Boy, that's full
of fruits, vegetables.

I'm going to say miscellaneous.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Condiment. Seriously?

Trust me.

Tell me again why we do this?

Because last night we ate 13 -year -old
creamed corn.

I thought it was gravy.

Hey, so how are you? Hello.

What's the matter with you? What?

Why are you walking like that? Like
what?

Like a really timid monkey.

Can I have this?

No, you can't have it.

Hey, James. Hey, nice pants.

Thank you.

That's what it is, the pants. What?

The pants with your funny little walk
there. Look at you.

You know what, my friend? You are just
jealous because I can still fit into a

pair of pants that I wore 20 years ago.

And you're saying you're comfortable in
these pants?

More or less, yes.

Yeah, okay. Tell you what.

Here's 20 bucks. You can pick it up.
It's yours.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Nice talking to you.

Well, they look really nice. Thank you,
James.

So, Polly, come with me today, will you,
huh? What today?

Oh, I've just got a very, very
fascinating date. With who?

I have no idea.

What am I missing?

Last week, after a very lengthy hiatus,
I actually put on these pair of pants,

and in the pocket I found this.

What is it?

It's a program from the Hayden
Planetarium from, like, 1979.

Somebody wrote a note, you see, with
today's date, 1 p .m. and a... Little

saying, see you then.

Wow.

Wild, isn't it? She kicked it the
perfect thing. Well, we're hoping it's a

You have no idea who that is?

James, come on. It was the 1970s. I had
a Trans Am, a beautiful set of mutton

chops, and an Afro that made me look 6
'5". It's great that you're going. It's

like fate.

What is?

That Ira would trim down just in time to
fit into these pants that have been in

mothballs since, like, 1979, that you'd
find this in the pocket and keep the

appointment? It's destiny. Yeah.

She gets like this when she cleans.

Paul, are you coming with?

No, I'm wiping peanut butter here. I got
a lot to do.

But if it turns out it's destiny, you'll
call us up.

Okay, just hope if she turns up she's
not some nut.

All right, if she's some nut, you'll
call us up.

Wait, really? Pop -tarts?

What's the deal?

Not a surprise, that's all.

Hey, oh, I'll get that.

Gets like what? What?

Gets like what?

What?

Hurry,

hurry, hurry.

Why are you walking like that?

It's nothing.

I have a cream.

Hey, Bert. Is that your rearview mirror
again?

Yep. Are you still driving that piece of
junk car?

Hey, watch it, buddy.

You've had this car since I'm 10.

There's no reverse. Seriously, since
1993, the man has only driven forward.

Whatever you need to go up in reverse,
there's a way to get there in forward. I

understand that, but... What do you
think people did before there was a

Mr. Big Shot? I don't know what they
did, but my father... All right, the

reverse conversation. Listen,

if you don't hear from me before
Thursday, you call somebody, all right?

luck. Go get him, monkey.

Paulie, your father and I are going away
for the weekend. I wonder, could we

borrow your big suitcase? Sure. What
happened to yours? Your father keeps his

guides in there.

Sylvia, where are you going? Oh,
remember the Melville's?

Enough. Yeah, well, we're going to house
sit for them in Buffalo.

We're driving up there tomorrow
afternoon.

You're driving?

Oh, no, no. No, no, no. We'll be fine.

No, you are not driving that stinky car
to Buffalo. You can rent one. Oh, I rent

one. I got snow tires.

Yeah, well, when the snow tires get to
Buffalo, they can send for the rest of

the car.

Come on, Bert. We got to pack.

Oh, but I don't... We'll call when we
get there. All right, but be careful.

Bert, come on. I have to cut the
carrots. I have to make the egg salad.

Road trip! Yeah, all right, but...

This is not good. This is very not good.
All right. What are you going to do?

I am going to rent them a car. No, no,
no. You know he'll never go for that.

Well, this trip to Buffalo is not going
to happen, so please tell me what we

should do.

Do you remember when you lost your Notre
Dame T -shirt?

Yeah. I loved that shirt. I used to wear
it every day. Yes, you did.

You hated that shirt. It was ratty and
smelled like Fontina cheese.

And then you lost it. But it all turned
out for the best because people stopped

laughing and pointing.

It's true.

I was a better man without the shirt.

I never figured out how I lost that
shirt. It was in the hamper and then it

in the drawer and it was like, gone.

Are you kidding me?

I did it because I love you.

What are you saying? I'm just saying
that sometimes when things don't work so

good, they need to disappear.

And it's for the best. Yay.

I'm so scared of you right now, I'm
aroused.

As we ponder the celestial magic of the
summertime sky, we know one thing for

sure.

That's a lot of stars.

Thank you for coming. Have a nice day.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, 20 years. Long time, huh?

Well, you haven't aged a day.

Whoa!

Hey, long time no see.

How's it going? Do I look familiar to
you?

No, I guess not.

My God, the pants still fit.

Marianne, of course.

You didn't even remember.

No, no, I did, I did.

Well, you know, not exactly, but hey, I
showed up, didn't I?

Yeah. Oh, you look good. Please, I look
great.

Yeah, you do. You look great.

You're right there. Oh, yeah.

I'm good.

So, how you been, Marianne? I'm dating a
duke now.

A duke?

Yeah, well, you know, when you become
what they call ensconced in the upper

social crest, that's who you meet.
Dukes, earls, them kind of people.

What is he the duke of?

I mean, if he's a duke, he's got to be
the duke of something.

Whatever. The point is, he's even more
loaded than the last one.

You? How's your life?

Good. Good. It's great, as a matter of
fact. You know, I opened two new stores,

so, you know, business is booming,
really keeping me busy.

Oh, that's good. And also, I'm dating a
supermodel, which, you know, is great

because she's just, she's so beautiful.
But you know what? She's also really a

very good person.

Yeah.

Who am I kidding, Mary?

You know, the truth is, I am running my
one business into the ground. My last

girlfriend became a man just after I
started dating her.

The other day, a 90 -year -old guy in a
deli stole my bagel.

Wow, Ira, that's a really sad story.

Want to hear an even sadder one?

I'm completely broke and living with my
mother in Seacaucus, New Jersey.

What? What happened to the money?

I spent it.

Oh.

Well, geez, Marianne, I'm sorry.

Ah, what are you going to do? I had my
fun.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here's a crazy thought.

How about just until you get on your
feet, how about you come and stay with

Let's skip the whole I couldn't, you
could, I couldn't, you could thing. I'd

love to.

Terrific.

Thank you, Warren.

You're welcome.

So what do you want to do? You want to
go somewhere?

Where? Anywhere. I got to get out of
these pants. There's parts of me asleep

that have never been asleep before.

Oh, my God.

This time I see it, it gets a little
sadder.

Are you sure we're doing the right
thing?

Please don't turn out to be a bad person
to steal a car with.

Okay, okay.

Do it.

We're not stealing the car, just...
How's it going there, honey?

You know what? This is the key for the
ignition. There's a separate key for the

door. Oh, my God, this car is so old.

Are you kidding? This is the car that
Henry Ford drove to the place where he

invented the car.

Stand back.

Sometimes if you hit it just right... It
used to be able to see if you...

Up and under.

Where did you learn to do that?

What's it a show?

Your father's got a lot of junk in here.
I know, I know. Okay, so what do we do

now? Now we find an alley, take off the
plates, file the serial number off the

engine block. It'll be like the car
never existed.

I've got to start watching that Today
show.

Ebony?

Everything's I can remember.

Does that guy look like an undercover
cop?

He's a guy buying a cantaloupe.

I don't think he's buying a cantaloupe.

Look at how he's handling them.

That's exactly the way you handle
cantaloupe when you're actually an

cop pretending to be buying cantaloupe.

Speaking from the elite melon squad.

See, that would be a cop.

This was a bad call, Jamie, a bad call.
He'll be fine. Your parents aren't going

to press charges.

But the cops are going to grill us, so
let's get the stories right. Just

whatever I say, you go along with it.
Okay, okay. Honey. What?

Don't worry.

Okay. All right.

Let's go.

This way, please.

What? Wait a minute. We're actually
together. Yes, it's Buckman party of

Please. Shut up, please. Honey. Yeah?
Worry. Okay.

Coming right up.

Stay beautiful, baby, but more than
that, stay a good person.

Oh, hey, hello.

Ira, Chuck. Chuck, Ira.

How's it going?

Good, sir.

Can I use the bathroom? Sure, it's right
there.

He's a sweet kid.

He thinks I look like Drew Barrymore.

I'm happy for you.

He's a terrific, terrific kid, you know?

What time you got to have him back to
the orphanage?

Hey, you want a beer?

Sure.

How's it going in there?

I don't know. People seem to be enjoying
themselves.

Tell me something.

You still doing that running man move?

No. I was asked to stop that.

Thank God.

Really glad you're here, Marianne.

We're the Buckmans. Yes, Mr. and Mrs.
Buckman. I'm Detective Sharp. Have a

Oh, my God, Bert. Did you hear that?
Have a seat. Good never followed that

sentence. All right. He's okay.

We found a car that matches the
description of the one that you reported

missing. The license plate number is
826OUF, a 1974 Chevrolet Monte Carlo.

How's business for you? Good? Yeah.
Okay.

I have to inform you that the car was
found not to be roadworthy. As a matter

fact, it's not even insult -worthy. We
haven't even pounded it.

When's the last time you had the car
inspected, Mr. Buckman? Uh, I... Come

Pop. Think, think. Smack yourself in the
head. Think about it.

Instead of questioning us, the victim,
shouldn't you be out looking for the

pops? The who? The pops. The people who
committed this heinous crime.

The perps.

What? The perps. Perpetrators.

Fine. Good. Then, shouldn't you be out
looking for the perp -sherp? Sharp.

I'm sharp. They're perps. Just fine,
then.

Yeah, great. Thank you. Look, listen.

We found a Jamie.

And Paul Buckman at the scene.

My own son and daughter -in -law? I
mean, why would they? I don't know,

because their whole lives they lived in
your shadow, even as you vicariously

lived through them, forcing on them all
your unfulfilled hopes and dreams, even

whether they wanted it or not.

What? I don't know.

There's got to be some explanation.

Yes, my son Paulie would never steal
from us. Well, neither would his wife

Jamie. I'm not so sure about that.

On many occasions, I've seen her eyeing
my Bavarian chocolate cake plates.

So you're into anti -Semitic desserts.
Good. What? So, kids, you get to press

charges or not. Well, what are you
saying? That they've confessed?

No, but they will.

You're kidding.

Yeah. It's a big prank, Pops.

Holy moly.

Well, we do not wish to press charges.

Okay. Oh, not so fast, Sylvia.

Okay. What are you saying, Bert?

Would you mind if it took us some time,
a minute or something? Okay.

Great talking. I'm going to go watch the
luge finals.

Thanks. I don't smoke.

Those are for me, Slappy.

You're in deep kimchi here, Mr. Buckman.

So I have to say, I have not as of yet
been given a chance to make my phone

call. Always with the phone call. Like,
that's going to save them.

Fifteen years, never saw the phone call
help. Not one time ever. But you go

ahead, cowboy.

You dial away.

Okay, thank you.

It's ringing.

It's ringing some more.

Probably in the showers.

Ring. Give me that.

Are you guilty, Mr. Buckman?

No, I'm not.

Look, let me tell you something,
officer.

Detective. Sorry. Do I look like a
school crossing guard? No. Do I have a

uniform on? No uniform. Do I have a hat
with a badge on? Not at all. Thank you.

Detective, I love this country, and I
love...

Its laws and its traditions.

I love its laws and its traditions and
the spirit behind them all. I love the

laws, the traditions, and the spirit,
and the blood of our boys, which has

shed on foreign shores for all these
years in an effort to defend those very

laws and traditions and the spirit. And
I love that blood. I love those boys.

Sit down.

How long have you been married?

How long have you been married?

Seven years.

Whoa, let me shake your hand.

Don't ever touch her.

You trust your wife?

Of course I trust her. She's a wonderful
woman.

Yeah, she's a real prize.

I'm sorry?

How about she blamed the whole thing on
you?

What? Yeah, she said it was all your
idea and she was an unwilling passenger.

No, no, no.

She would never do that.

She wouldn't, huh, Mr. B?

Okay, here's the thing. This was really
all her idea.

She, you know, she stole my T -shirt
once. She looks sweet and everything,

she's got the mind of a criminal. This
is the amazing thing about her. She's

sweet, but she's cold, and she's
calculating, and sometimes she's just

mean. This is just between you and me,
though, right?

There's no reason to write.

Listen, I don't want to make this any
more difficult than it has to be, okay,

Mrs. Buckman?

Okay. I mean, I look at you.

I see a woman.

Things have been different. Who knows?
It might have been you and me, you know?

Sure. Yeah, right. Listen.

Can you tell me how you and your husband
happened to be at the scene?

Well, we were walking by the car and we
noticed that it was illegally parked.

Wanting to save our parents the parking
ticket, we broke into the car and

started using our extra key. And then we
drove around and started looking for a

new spot.

So you drove 70 blocks looking for
another parking spot.

That's right.

Do you trust your husband?

Well, of course I trust him. He's my
soulmate. How about he blame the whole

thing on you?

He would never do that.

He wouldn't, huh, Mrs. B?

Bert, you can't press charges. He's your
only son.

Exactly. If I don't teach him right from
wrong, who will?

Maybe that big fellow in the holding
cage.

There's no right to do this. None.

It was very disrespectful. Oh, it was.

But you understand why they did it.
Yeah, they're worried about us. They're

kids. They love us. That's all.

You know, a new car might not be so bad.

Yeah, like maybe a 1979 Plymouth Volare.

I said we shouldn't do it, but he
wouldn't listen.

Don't let that bumbling idiot act fool
you. He knows what he's doing.

Well, it turns out, Mrs. Buckman, that
your father -in -law is not going to

press charge.

You're free to go.

Nice to meet you.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, boy, that was something, huh? I
just want to go home. The thing that

were saying in there, and the thing they
tried to get me to say about you. It

was horrible.

I said, hey, you do whatever you want to
me, you leave her alone.

Practically begged me to pin it on you,
but I told them they could shove it.

I love you. I love you.

And as Leo reaches across the full night
sky, he finds Pisces licking her lips

and ready for action.

Together, they begin an interstellar
dance that is as old as time itself.

Off comes Orion's belt as Orion's pants
fall to the celestial floor.

Aquarius, with little coaxing, takes her
top off and for the first time in eons

gets Poseidon's attention.

Seeing this, the Gemini twins confess an
ancient longing for contact that the

galaxy will not permit.

Light -headed and full of fire, Taurus
the bull begins clawing the ground with

one hoof and squirming out of his
loincloth with the other.

Sagittarius fires his love arrow, and
Virgo, the supposed virgin, looks away

guiltily. She knows she's got some
explaining to do.