All language subtitles for Mad About You s07e14 Uncle Phil Goes Back to High School

Kenny, your boss is treating you like a
piece of dirt. That's right. Kenny,

don't be a piece of dirt.

All right, then.

I'll be back in 60 seconds.

What's with that, Dr. Cassie?

I love this Dr. Cassie. Is this how you
spend your morning, listening to a hack

psychologist exploit the trouble?

No, not just that. Also, I made juice.

Woody, you've been at that for an hour.
I know.

Fifty more oranges and a Danish, we got
ourselves a continental breakfast.

I got the stuff for Uncle Phil's lunch.
Oh, he's going to love that.

It's amazing.

The man is going back to high school.

Sweetie, you know, it's not that
strange. A lot of people drop out of

school and then they go back later.
Yeah, not 63 years later.

I'm pretty sure he'll be the only kid in
school eating pickled herring.

Oh, Jesus.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You should really ask me to give you
back the house keys. Give me back those

house keys. Oh, juice.

No, don't finish. I'm just... Oh, great.

How were you raised?

Hey, want to scream again? No. Not
really.

Oh, my.

Sweet mother of all things.

What, what, what,

what, what, what is that?

Do you like them?

They're not shy.

I saw the sign on the D -train for this
really cool plastic surgeon, so ba

-boom.

You got breast implants from the D
-train?

It's more like a double D -train,
actually.

Do you want to touch them?

Can I?

She meant me.

Oh. Anyone. Come on, touch them. Really?
Yeah.

Feel them. They're, like, real.

Huh?

This one's good.

Yeah. This one's... Nothing wrong with
this one.

You got... You got big new breasts.

What do you think?

Nothing. There's no thoughts in my head,
honey.

Oh, I gotta run. Can you, you know, can
you wonder these?

Where are you going? Stick around. I'll
make some more juice.

Are you sure this is where Uncle Phil
told us to meet him?

This is what he said, right in front of
locker 214.

Who was that?

I don't know.

Oh, my God. Sounds like it's coming from
inside the locker.

17 left.

15 left.

Make a living.

For a person on a fixed income, you have
to learn to buy in bulk. Yeah, no, no,

no. Of course, no, but you were stuck
inside the locker. It's like being in a

tomb in Westminster Abbey. It was
terrible.

You know, they buried him standing up in
Westminster Abbey. There's not a lot of

room for all the legends and all the
kings. They buried him standing up. Oh,

God. Can you imagine standing for all
eternity?

That's not good.

That's the murder on your arches.

if the king of England begs you for some
reason if I should discover penicillin

or something, they want to bury me
there.

Say no. I want to lie flat.

Like, like Kansas.

You know, you could see all of Kansas
from a high chair.

That's how, that's how funny it is.

Every Kansas child has a terrific view
of Canada. They see a little Nebraska

too. How did you get in there?

This monster, this bully.

Jared,

He shoved me by the hair. He pushed me
in there. The kid's name is

Well, it's actually Finkelstein, but it
should be Frankenstein.

A lousy kid, just finished with puberty,
14 years old. He's got a mustache like

a Turkish dictator.

He has a mustache like this.

That's how big this kid is.

He's only 14.

Why did he put you in there? Why?

Why is there war?

Why is there suffering?

Why is Mackerel such a fishy fish?

We're not always told why. That's true.

The main thing is you're okay.

It just must be so tough to be the new
kid in school, huh? I can do it. I'm

equal to the task. Not only that,
listen, I'm going to do all my courses,

I'm also going to try out for the track
team. The track team? Yes. I was very

fast as a young man.

Remember Roger Bannister? Sure. He did a
mile in four minutes. Right.

Phil Buckman did a mile in four minutes
and 20 minutes.

A grand total of 24.

Oh, for sure.

Roger was worried. Is Buckman coming up?
Is Buckman coming up?

I had no idea.

You've done so many things.

There's very little in my years that I
have not. I've done everything.

Everything. Ask me something.

All right. Did you have a touch an owl?

16 times.

I happen to love owls. They're one of
the softest things in the world,

especially under their ruff. They're so
soft. Oh, I didn't know that. Yes, and

I'll tell you something.

If you ever see an owl lying on the
ground, an owl that hit a limb having an

accident, don't try to turn his head
around. Okay.

Because they go 360, you know?

That's their big selling point. You
know, they do a lot of this.

Ron, that's why I'm here.

I'm here.

I never got to...

To ever go to the prom. Uncle, if you
finish your courses, you can go to the

prom. Really? Yeah.

You must be an excellent mother.

Thank you. Because you communicate.

My mother didn't understand us.

We didn't speak the same language. We
had a generation gap. No.

We spoke English. She spoke Polish.

We don't know what the hell she would
say.

We don't know if you go to sleep or eat
a piece of challah. We don't know what

that woman wants. You know, I don't want
you to be late for your first day. Here

we go. This is it. American history.

Mr. Brodsky. Here we go.

Wait. Firm embrace.

Firm embrace.

Firmer.

Firmer.

Too firm.

Thank you. A little twinge here, but I'm
all right.

Here's your books. Thank you.

I want to be like a kid.

You got it. Here's your lunch.

Thanks. I love that. You got it.

I love you both.

I'm going to make you very proud of me.
I know you are.

Okay. Good luck.

Yes. To me.

saw a 12th grader before?

Who are you?

Philip Buckman, your new student. Can I
help you to your seat? Yes.

Hello, Philip Buckman.

Philip Buckman, your new classmate.

Buckman here, new classmate.

Buckman, classmate.

Don't worry, a couple of years, that'll
all clear up. How do you do?

Good afternoon.

Could you take a seat, please? Me?

Okay. Excuse me, I just want to take out
a few things from my pencil box.

I just want to make sure I have my
ruler.

My pencil, my erase in case I make a
mistake.

I'm never without my compass. You always
have to have your compass. You must

know where True North is or else you'll
end up living in South Jersey.

All right.

I am ready.

Okay, class.

Picking up where we left off. On March
11th, 1942, MacArthur left the

Philippines for Australia, proclaiming,
I shall return.

Wrong!

Excuse me? Never said it.

Wrong. Never said it.

I was there.

He didn't say that.

What MacArthur actually said was, people
of the Philippines, wonderful working

with you, and I'll see you around.

He said,

I'll see you around. That's what he
said. I was there. It's possible. It's

just... Possible that Mr. Buckman's
recollection is a little hazy. Actually,

MacArthur, according to history, said, I
shall return. And according to this

picture of me, Buckman, and MacArthur, I
happened to be his driver.

I was sitting in the front, he was
sitting in the back, and I know because

there. He was very superstitious about
the driving.

No left turn, no left turn. Always had
to make right turns, right turn.

There was a chicken teriyaki place two
minutes away if you could make a left

turn. No, no. He wanted chicken
teriyaki. He had to go all the way down

street. That's how superstitious he was.
I understand. I gave him his gong -gong

pipe. I said, you've got to look
different.

I was the guy who crushed his hat.
Unfortunately, his head was in it once.

But I gave him that look. I made
MacArthur famous.

Mr. Buckman, you know who loves
MacArthur stories? Our principal loves

stories. Why don't you go tell him that?
He's trying to get me down to the

principal's office. Go to the principal
now.

Students of American history, wonderful
working with you.

I'll see you around.

office. We'll be right there. Bye -bye.

Paul. Let them out.

Let them be free.

What happened?

You were dreaming.

I was?

Oh.

Yes, I was.

What were you dreaming about? Let who be
free?

What's that?

Let who be free?

The hostages. The hostages?

Hostages. The hostages. The hostages.
Somewhere in the world, they've got to

hostages, right?

So they think they should be free, and I
was dreaming about them.

Oh. Yeah, because I'm concerned for
others, and I wondered, you know, do I

enough for people in the world? I mean,
all over the world, I wonder if I do

enough for them. Honey, we should go.

I've got to sit for a minute.

Principal Huxacker is on his way.

Thank you. Oh, by the way, may I ask
your name?

It's Rosie.

Rosie. And may I say, Rosie, that
nothing takes the sting out of coming to

principal's office like your beautiful
smile and your very, very fetching A

-line frock, 50 poly, 50 cotton, tough
on stage.

In my former profession, I used to feel
frocks a lot.

Well,

you're quite the charmer, Philip.

I'll bet the kids in this school must be
knocking your door down for a date.

Well, if I went out with them, it would
be a felony.

You're young, you're right. You're too
young.

He's on his way.

Bye, Rosie.

Bye, Philip.

Minty! Mr.

and Mrs. Button, this behavior is
similarly unacceptable.

We're very sorry.

Well, sorry doesn't cut it at Jacob
Javits High. When we find a problem

we nip them in the bud.

Now, if you get thrown out of one more
class, if you fail one more test, you

out of this school.

You can do that? Yes, I'm the principal.
I have tremendous power.

Then how do you explain that? What? Got
you!

Mr. and Mrs. Buckman, I'm going to give
you one minute to give him a piece of

your mind.

Uncle Phil.

What did you do?

What did you do?

I can't do it. It's not me.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm a two -time high school dropout.
It's no good. Don't give up. You can't

quit. Don't you want to go out for the
track team?

Yes, I do.

Don't you want to get that diploma?

I do. Don't you want to go to the prom?

More than anything. So?

What's on your mind, Jeremy?

Well, here's the thing. I recently had a
dream that I was kissing my sister -in

-law, and I was begging her to show me
her new breasts.

She recently got breast implants, and
let me just say, the procedure was a

huge success.

So what's the problem?

The problem is, do I tell my wife, you
know, that every time I see Lisa... Oh?

Lisa... That's my sister -in -law's
name, Lisa.

Do I tell my wife that? Whereas before,
I used to think she was just infuriating

and annoying. Now I realize she's just
eccentric and stacked.

So, that's my question, I guess. Do I
tell my wife that?

You take this to your grave.

And every time you want to look at Lisa
on those breasts, you look at her feet

instead. Look at her feet? Yeah, just
look at her feet.

Okay, but that... Pinhead wants to tell
his wife. We'll be back at six today.

How's Uncle Phil's studying going?

He's got a French test tomorrow and he's
worried about it.

Oh, there's Lisa.

They're here already?

Who?

What's that? Who's there?

Uh, Lisa and her friends. Isn't she
bringing her friends over?

No. My mistake.

Hi -dee -hi. Oh, boy.

Hi -dee -ho.

Hey, those new clogs, they're great.

Oh, I've had these forever.

I never noticed.

Too many of those takes I'm getting used
to.

Yeah, but people sure like them. Just
now in the cab ride over, I sat in front

with the driver. He didn't even charge
me for the ride.

Is that right?

Yeah, it was great. And today at
lunch...

Wow, those guys, they're just such saps.
Can I have your VCR?

Whatever you want, sure.

Phil, you've done nothing to fear but
fear itself.

That's enough to fear.

Just a French test.

I know. And you've been studying very,
very hard. I also took the precaution of

writing all the answers on my person.

What are you talking about?

My entire body is covered in French.

That hasn't happened since I dated
Madame Curie. I want you to know that.

You wrote the answers on your body?
Absolutely. Here.

Regular verbs.

And here you got the irregulars.

Where'd you put the subjunctive? I don't
want to know.

Are you telling me Philip Buckman is
going to cheat?

May we?

Look, this is not right. I know you want
to pass the test and you want to

graduate and you want to go to the prom
and everything, but... What Paul's

trying to say is we didn't raise a
cheater. Come here. Exactly.

You were racing all my day. There goes
the week.

Give me your leg.

Seriously? Uh -huh. Give it a leg.

Be very careful. You're close to the
dangling participle there.

All right, there's the bell. Listen, you
relax.

You're going to do just fine. You're
very smart. All right, all right.

here I come.

Au revoir.

A tout à l 'heure.

Sayonara.

French, French, French, French.

French, French.

French! French bread.

French fries.

French toast.

French kiss. Ooh, that's a good one.

It's all coming back. Yes.

To play. Jouer.

To eat. Manger.

To speak. Parler.

Vraiment. OK.

Uncle Phil, 98 in French? That's like
135 in American. That's good. But this

even better.

I made it.

I met the prom.

If I die tomorrow, I'd be happy.

Oh, no, I got something to do tomorrow.

If I die Tuesday... Oh, killer!

Rosie. Yes, Rosie, now listen. I know
you're chaperoning me tonight, but don't

hang around too close. No, no. If you
get too near, I'll give you a sign

You got it. But if in the middle of
the... You hear...

That means I'm having a heart attack.
Rush to my assistant. Welcome home.

Welcome to work.

Hi. Hello, Mr. and Mrs.

Buckman. Hello.

Philip. Would you care to dance?

Oh. Yes, here we go.

And may I say, you look quite fetching
tonight. Thank you.

That's a killer dress.

Thanks. It's Lisa Almond.

Oh,

Philip. You're very light on your feet.

Oh.

What? Who?

Rosie, what are you doing here?

You fell asleep.

Of course. Listen to that music and
we'll put anybody to sleep. Wait right

Come on, fellas. This is a prom.

You wait all year for this.

Let's jazz it up. Let's do a little
jolly. How about in the key of G for

gorgeous, I'd like to dedicate this song
to Rosie.

Here we go.

Rosie.

You are my poesy.

You are my heart's bouquet.

I'm out here in the moonlight.

There's something sweet love I want to
say.

Your honey boy, I'm waiting.

Your ruby lipstick queen.

My blood is rosy.

My pose is sweet.

There's a little bunch of sweetness that
I long to call my bride.

And believe me, I'm not happy. Bless my
baby.

By my side, a baptismal name is Rosie.

But she puts the rose to shame.

And almost every night, I hear me call
her name.

Professor!

I'm gonna sing about my baby.

Rosie, you are my posy.

You are my heart bouquet.

Come out here in the moonlight.

There's something sweet love.

I'm gonna sing about my baby.

Your honey, your boy, I'm waiting.

Your ruby, your lips to greet.

Don't be so aggravating. My bludgeoned
rosy,

my posy sweet.

Dr. Cathy, are you telling me that I
have to spend the rest of my life in

torment? You'll get over it. No, I won't
get over it. You'll get over it. We'll

be back in 66.

Hey. Hi.

Well, thanks a lot for the BCR. First,
it ate my copy of Turner and Hooch,

right? So I go to the video store and
explain to them.

They don't care. So I rent another copy
of Turner and Hooch, take it home. This

time your beautiful machine does not eat
it, right?

But then I've eaten too many peanut M
&Ms. And the part where Hooch dies, I

freaked out and I...

I'm over it.