All language subtitles for Mad About You s05e17 On The Road

Ow. Ow.

Here's your pencil. Thank you.

I would love to get presents. I just
really don't want this to be about

presents. Jamie, it's a baby shower.

Okay. Bad.

What? Calling it a baby shower just
sounds so Red Book magazine.

It's just not a movie. What do you want
to call it?

A celebration.

Just having friends over.

Yeah, that's good.

Catchy.

Call it a shower. Good. But everybody's
going to know it's not that, right?

Yeah. Now, can we talk about the games?

Oh, games?

James, it's a baby shower.

Well, I have this friend in my Lamaze
class who plays the guitar. The guitar.

Yeah, and she sings maternal hymns from
third world countries. Okay.

We'll say maybe.

Now, how about the baby picture game?

I love that. We did it at my shower. It
was really silly funny.

Paul, remember my shower?

Did I go to that? No, but I told you
about it. The pictures with the games?

No. The games with the pictures.

Yes. 30 women there? Yes. Yeah, I guess
27 of them right.

Oh, well, boy.

God has given you many gifts.

Okay, so we're going to do the baby
picture game, and we're going to do

The gummy bears, the gummy bears. I want
to do the gummy bears.

Okay, gummy bears. I was thinking that
we could all read a poem by Dina

She's this radical feminist poet. James,
maybe we could do the poems and the

gummy bears. Okay.

A couple of gummy bears never hurt
anybody. Because I found the perfect

Look!

That's so cute!

Daddy, it's adorable!

Paul, how cute is this?

Oh, look at that! Oh, that's cute. Boy,
if you're nursing a linebacker, that's

just the thing. It's for gummy bears.

For gummy bears? Yeah, you fill it with
candy.

I see. And everybody tries to guess how
many there are in there. I see. And

whoever gets closest takes all the
candy.

Sort of a game, then. Are you being left
out?

No. Because you are being left out.
Sure. But I don't want you to feel like

you're being left out.

See, this is what I was saying. Can't we
invite men? Why does it have to be so

clubby? Okay, show them the invitations.
Here, here. Look at these.

Oh, that's cute, too. Now, how cute is
that? Oh, that's certainly cute. Oh,

a little baby's foot. Yeah, see the
footies there. Oh, open it up. Open it

Oh. Help us get our baby off on the
right foot. I gotta say, I like the

Look. Bunnies are also cute. Look at
these footies. Look at them.

Somebody say the word hockey.

What's the matter with you? If I hear
one more word about babies and booties

showers or anything fuzzy, I'm going to
put a bullet in my head. No kidding

around. Marvin.

The words fuzzy baby booties will not
pass through these lips. Thank you.

Hey, Paulie, what did I tell you?
Everybody told you this. Once you have a

everything changes.

What baby? There is no baby.

There's just talk of a baby. When is the
baby? How's the baby? What kind of

baby? Let's have a shower for the baby.
I'm telling you, it is inhuman.

Well, somebody's done neglected, huh?

Leave work right now. Come play
basketball with me. I can't come play

basketball. Come on, a half an hour.
We'll run around. We'll sweat. We'll

each other. You'll enjoy it. Sounds
tempting, but I can't right now. Marvin,

what do you say? You know, I would love
to. No. Let me finish.

I would love to, but my boss is cruel
and demanding.

How about a beer? You can get away for a
beer, can't you? Polly, at this

moment... One beer! Come on, we'll sit,
we'll drink, we'll watch girls, we'll

say things that are unkind. I'm sorry.

Maybe a little fistfight with tourists
from other lands?

This weekend would be fine, but right
now... I need this, I need this. It's

important I'm becoming unwell.

You know what you need? You need to get
away, my friend. You need to get out of

town, just like you used to do.

You know, my folks have a place upstate.
I was thinking of going this weekend.

If you want, you could.

You know, it isn't much. Yes. It's just
a cabin, really. Yes. It's a bit of a

drive. Three hours without traffic. It's
okay. Marvin, I'm saying to you, yes.

Great. Yeah.

Paul, are you serious?

Yeah. Come on. Come with us. It'll be
great. Three guys in a... Who's got a

I got a van.

Good. Three guys in a van with nothing
to do but we'll just drive, go

and be guys.

Are you in? For this weekend?

Yes. You, me, and Marvin? Yes.

Well, what the hell? Let's do it. All
right.

Wait a minute.

You think James is going to let you go
away?

Now, what are you saying?

I'm just saying, you know, she's
pregnant now. She can't get out of town.

Is it the best time to go away?

No. Is she going to love that I'm going
away? No, but come on. Give me a break

here. You got to take care of you.

Really? I mean, you know, everybody
worries about the baby and the mommy.

worrying about you?

Thank you. I mean, strangers go over to
her. They see she's pregnant. They start

rubbing her belly. Oh, look, a little
baby.

What about me? You know, nobody's
rubbing anything on mine.

I'm part of this, too. Of course you
are. Yeah, see, nobody thinks about the

daddy in this.

Nobody? Molly, go and sell this to your
wife, all right?

What does that mean?

All I'm saying is good luck to you.

Okay, is it the best time to be going
away?

No. Do I expect you to love that I'm
going away?

No. You know, I know it's not fair. I
mean, you're pregnant.

I'm not. So it's easier for me to pick
up and go for you. It's not. But listen,

things are never going to be exactly
equal, you know. And just like you have

your needs, I have my needs too. And
right now I'm saying I really need to go

away and be with some guys for a while.

That's it. And if you can't understand
that, then maybe we have bigger problems

than we think.

People got together and sang that song
every day the world would be a better

place to live in

Can I just say this is so much better
than baby showers and booties? Amen.

Oh, boy, here's to two days of not
having to be sensitive.

We are here for you, my friend. Oh, this
is great.

It's truly magnificent, huh, boys?

And can I say, only with guys would you
have this.

That's right.

Amen. Yes, nothing against women.

Hey, no, hey, it goes without saying.
It's just that with guys, what is it?

There's a thing, there's a sharing,
there's a frequency. We all share.

Because all guys have been through the
same thing.

That's so true, Marvin. That's so true.

For example, all guys have been through
your mother.

How? How?

Something I don't know.

That's true. It really is. I mean, all
guys, everything that you think is you,

every time you talk to enough guys, it's
happened to them too.

That's true. So true. So true.

You know what?

I'm going to tell you guys something
that I haven't told anybody.

Seriously? Totally serious.

Should I turn down the music?

Whatever.

Last week, for the very first time in my
life, I actually

forget it. What, are you kidding me?
What?

We're in a mutual trust situation.

Absolutely. Go ahead.

Yeah, come on.

It's us.

It's us. All right, all right, what the
hell.

Last week, for the very first time in my
life, I'm dating this girl. Her name is

Lori Gravna.

And I, uh... You couldn't... Holy, who
told you?

Took a wild guess.

Couldn't what?

I couldn't, you know... For the first
time in my life, Marvin, I failed in my

obligations, you know?

I am totally lost.

The man was impotent.

I think I made a wrong turn. I have no
idea where I am.

Hey, come on. I thought at least this
would engender some conversation.

All right, I got something.

All right, Marvin's gonna go.

Well, it better be good, Marvin, because
I shared.

Same ballpark.

Yeah? All right, go.

Yeah, you know how when you're with a
woman and you're in bed and everything

you want it to last?

Sure, sure.

And you know how the longer you go at
it, the better?

Of course.

Sometimes it doesn't last that long.

Hey, Marvin, that happens.

Sometimes not long at all.

Sometimes 10, 12 seconds.

Sometimes less.

Hey, well.

Listen, Marvin, you know, what guys
haven't been through that? You know, I

that kind of happens to everybody.

Yeah? Sure. Okay, sure.

You know, I never really said anything,
because you never know, you know?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Boy, feels good to say that to a couple
of guys, so you don't feel like a freak.

Hey, hey, Marvin.

I can't believe I said that out loud.

Wow, you guys are great.

You know, Marvin, what the problem may
be, and I'm just guessing, but maybe

you're a big sissy.

What? You know,

as a possibility, to me it's not out of
the question that what may be the issue

is that you're just a big fat sissy.

Is that a joke?

I don't think it's funny.

That's a stupid thing to say.

Of course it's a stupid thing to say.
That's the whole point of the joke.

Otherwise, what are you doing?

That was not very sensitive.

Where is he, Paul? He will be back.
He'll be back. It's been almost an hour.

I can't believe I want to have a little
break from sensitivity. Now I got to go

say I'm sorry.

Come on.

Hey, you guys buying or looking?

Well, I like to browse just a little
longer, seeing as you have such a wide

selection of jerkies.

What? Did you learn nothing? What?

You get this guy mad, he's going to make
us wait outside. We're not dressed for

winter. Excuse me.

Yes, sir.

I, um, here is our situation. We, this
is funny actually, our friend drove off

with our wallets in the van and, uh,
getting a bit thirsty.

Water hose over by the pump.

Okay, good.

Also, getting, um, a little bit hungry
and, uh, couldn't help but notice you

a mouth -watering array of both chip and
nut products and, uh...

We were just kind of wondering if we
could possibly get maybe a couple cans

soda and, say, a bag of chips on credit,
and then, you know, just until our

friend comes back.

Credit? Sorry, boys.

No credit, no how, no way.

Yes, now I can see how you have that up
for everybody, but this is a little bit

of a special circumstance, don't you
think?

Sorry, no credit.

Okay.

You know what?

Put your hands up.

So what's the matter with you anyway?

Put your hands up. It was a joke. An
obvious joke.

Does it look like a gun? Come on.

That's clearly fingers.

Paulie, it was a bad joke.

It's not like I was inside a pocket
pretending. It was out there. It was raw

fingers, knuckles and nails.

No metal. It's a joke.

No, no, no. Look, a joke is when people
laugh. Okay?

A bad joke is when people brandish
firearms and kick you out into the

cold. Or your warm clothes are stuck in
a van where somebody else who you

already pissed off drove away and left
you to die. That, mon frere, is a bad,

bad joke.

Everybody is so sensitive.

I make jokes with you all the time. I
make fun of you. Yeah, and I you. Yeah.

Paulie, we know each other. The rest of
the world isn't like us. Sorry, so is

that my problem or their problem?

I would say that's our problem.

I do not like this one iota. Come on.

We're gonna make it.

So guess where I ate last week? Huh?

That place, Il Molino.

How did you get in?

It was Tuesday. There was, like, nobody
there.

Huh?

What'd you have?

Just the pasta.

I'm telling you, my feet are freezing. I
can't feel my toes. You know what?

You got to keep moving.

We just got to keep moving.

Hey,

cut it out. Hey, this is good. This is
good. This keeps blood circulating.

This is all good. Oh, you don't want me
to hit you right now. Come on, you

should try. You should try. Come on.
Come on, one shot. Cut it out. You

even get in there. Look at it. Float
like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Come

on. One shot. You couldn't even touch
it. Ow!

What are you, nuts? You told me to hit
you. Not in the face, you jackass.

It's freezing. I know it's freezing. It
stings when it's cold. Well, you said

one shot.

One shot. Come here. I'll give you one
shot. One shot.

All right, you ripped my pants. Are you
happy now? Brand new pants, Wally. Look

at this. Just look at this. Hi.

Better yet, look at this.

It looks like our friend Marvin is here.

Three ball corner pocket.

Marvin?

You're scratched.

Thanks, Paul.

No, thank you, Marvin.

All right, all right, boys. Why don't we
go sit down? We'll talk this thing out,

all right?

I'm not talking to you.

You know, Marvin, Paulie's not the only
guy you ditched back there, all right? I

mean, look at me. I lost three toes and
a brand new pair of pants.

Well, I tried to give you a sign that I
was leaving. You did?

Yeah, I was doing this.

Oh, I didn't catch that.

Well, I did. I'm sorry you got caught in
the middle. Hey, hey, hey, don't worry

about it. And you, you've got a peculiar
idea of what constitutes a joke.

You know what? You're the one who called
Marvin a sissy?

Hi, how are you today?

You know, that kind of name -calling
stuff is so old, man.

And who are these fine young ladies?

Huh? I don't know. That's her, and
that's her friend.

I'm Darla. I'm Dawn.

How you doing?

You believe this guy?

Great. Hey, can I buy you ladies a
domestic beer?

Look, I'm sorry if your feelings were
hurt. Are you?

Not that much.

The point is, it was a joke. It wasn't
an insensitive joke.

Yes, but that was the point. Because,
look, we were all sharing.

We were all being open and vulnerable.
So I think, okay, what is the worst

to say? And then go ahead and say that.

What? Okay, look, here's rude and here's
me. So I'm one level past.

being rude, because how can I be rude if
I know it's rude? See? So I'm smart. I

already know it's rude, and I think
you're up there with me, together,

fun of the rudeness.

That's a joke that we were sharing. See,
I thought we were, that you and I, we

could make fun of the same thing.

And then it would be funny.

I'm going to the can.

I just can't reason with that guy.

Why would you call Marvin a sissy?

That was a joke, ma 'am.

I don't get it. Me neither.

If I may, I don't get it myself.

How is that funny?

Do you want me to explain it? Yes.

It's... Okay, to me.

It's funny because it's so wrong.

You know, it's so far into wrong that it
becomes funny.

Because it's so inappropriate.

You see what I mean? It's the worst
thing to do. It's like laughing at a

funeral. You laugh at funerals?

Again, I can honestly say that I have
never laughed at a funeral, but that's

Okay, you want to hear something funny?
This is funny. Tell them what about,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, what do you call a dog with three
legs?

Nothing, because no matter what you call
him, he ain't going to come.

You heard it before?

I heard it before, yes.

Actually, and in fact, I think the joke
is, what do you call a dog with no legs?

What? The way I heard it, the actual
joke is, what do you call a dog with no

legs? See?

You said three legs. No legs is the only
difference.

No, because three legs, you call a dog
with three legs, he could still, he

could, you know, hobble over.

He was hobbling. And he would get there,
eventually.

It would take him a while, but he'd get
there, somehow, because he can do it. A

dog with no legs, he's not coming.

Ever.

A dog with no legs?

That is so sad.

How's he going to eat? How's he going to
play?

No, I'm not condoning it. I'm just
saying that's the actual joke. Your

has a real problem.

I'm just saying that the actual joke
is... Look, maybe you should give it a

rest, Victor. Okay, but you brought up
the joke... Hey, walk away.

I'm going to go play pool with guys.

Your friend has a real problem. Him?

No, no way.

He's really insensitive.

But yeah, but that's why it's funny.

Don't you see?

To call a man a sissy.

Doesn't seem very funny to me.

No, it's not. But see, we were all being
out there and open and vulnerable. We

were all sharing. Let me tell you
something.

There's nothing sissy -like about
sharing.

Maybe I'm not explaining the joke
properly.

I've been in AA for 12 years now. I
think I can safely say it saved my life.

too. And you know how?

No. By being open.

Vulnerable. Sensitive.

Hey, listen, I'm the most sensitive guy
in the world. All I'm saying... Easiest

thing in the world is to make fun of
somebody who's having a problem.

Listen, with the help of these good
friends, I haven't had a drink in over

years.

No kidding, is that true?

April 23rd will be 13 years.

Wow, hey, that is some accomplishment.
No kidding.

Well, good for you.

Let me buy you a drink and we'll
celebrate. Are you out of your mind?

That's the same joke. I know that...
It's not a joke, mister. You don't have

laugh, but I know that that's a bad
thing to say, so I say it to be funny.

That's all I'm saying. John, what
happened? I'm going to have to ask you

leave. You're disturbing my customers.

Me? I'm afraid so.

Wait, are you throwing me out because of
a joke?

Am I going out of my mind here?

This is not a baby shower. It's a bar,
you know.

There's liquor and people curse.

You better not start cursing now.

I'm not going to curse. Well, okay. You
know what? We got off on the wrong foot.

You don't know me. I happen to be the
nicest guy in the world.

But even the nicest guy, once in a
while, on occasion, has just got to be

insensitive. Why?

Why what?

Why do you have to be insensitive?

Are you kidding me?

Am I your biggest problem? Right now.

You want to talk about offensive? Have
you seen the graffiti?

Look at your bar. You got genitalia
carved in your wood. That's disgusting.

I didn't do it.

I'm sorry, my friend here, he's a little
wound up. You know, his wife is about

to have a baby.

Aww.

He's having a baby?

Oh, so wrong.

That was just such a miracle.

I have two of my own.

Ashley is seven. That's good. And Jordan
is three.

Why didn't you tell us that you were
going to have a baby? Well, because I

know you. Is it a boy or a girl? Oh, I
hope it's going to be a girl. It's my

sister's little girl. She's just seven
months. Oh, her name's Madison.

Look at those little cheeks.

Don't you just want to bite them?

I'm glad you liked it, because I thought
you would. It has the feet with the

little fuzzy booties, and then look, in
the back, it has the little bunny

cottontail. So when a baby falls on his
little baby bottom, it's all cushioned

in a nice, softy sock.

Did you pick this out?

I did.

Sissy.