All language subtitles for Mad About You s05e10 Chicken Man

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

What?

Huh. That's all I'm saying.

Tell me why.

I love you like I do.

Tell me who can start my heart as much
as you.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump
into the final frontier.

I'm mad about you, baby.

All right, question.

Which voice do we like better to narrate
Buckman? Voice A, which we'll call

mellifluous and rich.

It was in the summer of 1926, selling
towels at Lake Mahongwa, that Jules met

and courted his future wife, Evelyn.

Too mellifluous? A little bit.

All right, we're on voice two, which
we'll call friendly yet intelligent.

It was the summer of 1926, selling
towels at Lake Mahongwa, that Jules met

courted his future wife, Evelyn.

Maybe thin, a little thin. Just kind of
thin. A little thin.

Are you sucking in? Yes, I'm sucking in.

You know who I'd love to get to narrate
is that guy from Mighty Fine Chicken.

That guy, he could sell chicken to
people that don't like chicken.

Damn it. What's the matter? I don't fit
into these pants anymore.

Hey, sweetie, you know how many pants I
have that I don't fit into anymore?

Yeah.

You're not getting fatter and fatter for
nine months in a row.

Sadly, that's not true.

Are you telling me there's nothing in
the closet here? I've tried them all,

the pants, all the skirts.

You know, they have stores that sell
clothes you can buy from them.

All right, I have a big shopping date
with Fran and Lisa today.

Oh, there you go. Right after I have my
talk with Brockwell.

Oh, you're going to tell them about that
baby today? Yes, it's going to be such

a relief to be out of the closet with
this thing. Good for you. You know what?

You'll feel so much better. Help me! All
right, all right.

How do you think he's going to react?

Brockwell?

He'll be thrilled.

He's an enlightened guy. He loves kids,
and he's going to love the PR angle of

his campaign chairman being an expectant
mother.

Good. Assuming she can close her pants.

Tell the baby to inhale.

Sweetie, inhale so Mommy can leave the
house.

Come on.

Think thin.

Okay.

Thinner. I'm thinking thin.

Think a little thinner.

Okay, I just spoke with a guy named
Koch's office.

And? And he says Koch is not willing to
endorse it.

But he did give us what I consider a
very interesting quote.

What? He said that independent candidate
Lance Brockwell is entirely delectable.

What?

Independent candidate Lance Brock...
Delectable?

Entirely delectable. What?

Possibly he said electable.

Oh, that is so less interesting.

Call them back and confirm.

Call them back.

Jenny, I thought you might be interested
in this.

What is it? It's from LaGuardia's niece.

LaGuardia the mayor?

Fiorella LaGuardia had a niece, Dorothy,
who's 83 now. But she wrote some very

lovely and encouraging comments to us
all. Now, isn't that sweet?

Very sweet. It's not exactly the
endorsement I've been praying for,

Jamie, LaGuardia was enormously popular.
You know, during the fiscal upheaval of

the Great Depression... Lance?

It was electable.

What?

Ed Koch says you are electable.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Well, that's certainly something, isn't
it? Yes.

Yes, it certainly is. Lance, could I
speak with you in your office for a

Sure. Oh, this is very exciting news,
Jamie.

I'm electable.

You know, Ed Koch has enormous populist
appeal. He certainly does. I think we

need to court him, Jamie.

Ed Koch loves to be courted.

Well, we can absolutely do that. I'll
start working on it this afternoon.

Meanwhile, there is some other
interesting news.

Yes? Well, it's not news to me, but it's
news to you. Oh, God. We're out of it,

aren't we?

What? Well, we always knew we had
virtually no chance of winning, so I

shouldn't be surprised. In fact, maybe
even relieved. No, no, no, no, no, no.

It has nothing to do with the campaign.
This is personal news. It's great news,

actually, and thought it was about time
that I tell you.

I'm pregnant.

You are?

Yes.

That is wonderful.

That's just extraordinary.

Now, listen, I don't want you to think
for one second that I am abandoning you.

Oh, Jamie, please. The baby isn't due
until late spring, and I plan to give

in this campaign everything I have just
as I promised. Jamie, I have absolute

confidence in you. Now, let's just take
a moment and savor, shall we? I mean,

this is what life is all about.

Hey, everybody, oh, listen, is it all
right if I share this with the staff?

Well, we're not really telling people
yet.

That's not really true, is it?

Well, you should have let it slip to me.

I'm just not used to it yet, but yes.

All right, we're telling people. I guess
we are.

May I? Yes.

Everybody, can I have your attention,
please? I have a very exciting piece of

news. Uh -oh.

Our esteemed campaign chairman is
expecting a baby.

Jamie, that is wonderful.

Of course, of course. That's why every
time we need you the most, you're off in

the bathroom peeing.

It's wonderful.

The story of America can be told in many
ways.

Most simply, it's about people.

Families that came from other lands to
find their home on our shores.

Our story is about one such family, the
Buckmans.

Thank you.

Buckman is not so much a horror movie,
so I'm wondering, can you try it with a

little bit less foreboding?

Maybe lose the sinister cackle? That
voice is what I do. It's my thing.

Is it your only thing?

Yes.

Thank you.

Did I get it?

We'll let you know.

You know what I think? Why?

We ain't gonna find anybody.

I thought you wanted that chicken guy. I
called his agent. He wants $5 ,000.

A voice guy? Yeah, I'm telling you,
voiceover, it's very lucrative business.

A lot of big celebrities do it. Yeah,
like who?

Like, uh, you know the guy who says,
this is CNN?

Yeah. James Earl Jones.

Darth Vader? Same guy.

This is CNN.

Luke, I am your... You're right, that is
the guy. See?

He'd be good for this.

Oh, gee. You think so?

Yeah, why don't you get him?

I can't even get Chicken Guy. How am I
going to get James Earl Jones?

Call him up.

And say what? I don't know.

This is Paul Buckman.

You didn't like the short guy, huh?

The guy who whistled his S's? Yeah. No.

I hardly notice the S's.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah. Sailing on an open sea, surviving
slowly on soup?

Didn't bother me. There were dogs in
Virginia turning around.

You know something, Paulie? This is only
a question of money. I could lend you a

dollar to, you know, hire the chicken
guy.

Oh, that's right. I couldn't take your
money. Sure you could. It'd be no

problem. I mean, I'd be investing in a
movie. It'd be exciting for me.

I'd be, you know, I'd be doing something
new.

Yeah, but, you know, you mix family with
business. Wally, come on. I'll be a

silent investor.

I'm just a money guy.

Well, you're a money guy now? Yeah, I'm
the money guy. See? The money guy. You

need money, I'm the guy.

I'll tell you what. Save your money,
money guy. Maybe we'll get lucky with

next contestant.

I'm here for the Buckman job.

Morning, everyone.

Morning, Chief. What are you doing?

Give me that.

Troy, you really don't have to act
any... Nonsense.

Now put your stuff down, get off your
feet, and let others do for you.

You know, the baby's not due for quite
some time. Well, you can never be too

careful. Is this chair okay for you?

It's fine.

Well, maybe you'd like to take this one.
It has stronger back support.

It's okay.

Take the chair. I don't need the chair.
Give her your chair.

What are you doing?

You're pregnant.

I'm being nice. Cut it out.

Jamie, can I get you anything?

No, thank you. All right, everybody, I
appreciate the nice thoughts, but I am

not a porcelain doll. I am exactly the
same person I was yesterday, so

can just relax.

Thank you.

And this is our nerve center, our war
room. This is Brockwell Headquarters.

I used to come here when it was a
Kinko's.

Wow.

What? Are you two sisters?

I don't believe so.

Get out of here.

I'm Jamie Buckman.

Molly Norman.

It's like a mirror image. There is a
similarity.

Good God, now there's two of you.

Why does your name sound so familiar?

I worked in Governor Pataki's office,
possibly from that. That's probably it.

Yeah, I happened to bump into Molly
yesterday, and she mentioned that she

between projects right now, and I
thought, given the circumstances, it

a good idea to sort of reinforce the
troops.

What circumstances?

Well, your circumstances.

Ah, those circumstances.

You look great. You can hardly even tell
you're pregnant.

Well, I am. Molly's here to help you in
any way she can, Jamie. I think you'll

find her a tremendous help.

I just wasn't actually aware I needed
more help.

No, I didn't say you do, but you might.

So.

So.

I am so glad you're here.

I'm a very big fan of your work.

I've really had a good response from
those chicken spots.

Oh, I'm hungry.

He just makes that word sound so
succulent.

Chicken. Hey, hey, hey. Stop it or I
swear I'm going to have to break for

Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Okay, okay. All right. Why don't we
start?

All right.

Why don't you just read it from the top
and we'll have a listen in here.

Okay.

The story of America can be told in many
ways.

Most simply, it's about people.

Families that came from other lands to
find their home on our shores.

Our story is about one such family.

The Buckmans.

Wow.

I've heard it 600 times, and that's the
first time. Little tear.

I do what I can.

Why don't we try and get one in the can
before you're hit by lightning or

something, all right?

Yes. Could I just have my water, please?

Your water?

My Vittel. Did my agent tell you about
it?

Oh, no, no. She told me.

I'm the producer. I got it right here.

Who said you're a producer?

Here we go.

Now, that's not Vittel.

Yeah, I know. They didn't have Vittel.

But, you know, water is water, right? I
find that brand oily.

How can water be oily?

Well, it is, and it coats my vocal
cords.

It coats your vocal cords? It's fine.
It's fine.

I don't mean to be difficult, but my
voice is my instrument, and I'm very

particular about what I use to lubricate
it. To lubricate it. Oh, okay. You know

what? It's fine. We'll get you a bottle
of Vittel.

Wally, listen to me. They're charging us
by the hour here, okay? A lot by the

hour. The man wants a bottle of Vittel.

He wants water. I brought him water. You
mean to tell me he can actually tell

the difference?

Oh, great.

Now my voice is tightening.

Just give us one minute here. Listen to
me. I deal with workers all the time.

They're always trying to pull stuff like
this. The man is a talented artist.

Artist? The guy's Chicken Man.

Chicken Man.

He didn't mean that.

Listen, I thought this little movie
would be fun, but clearly now it's not

to be.

And the fact is that Chicken Man has
made so much money from his chicken work

that Chicken Man doesn't need to deal
with morons like you.

The actor said.

No, producers.

Okay, item number six, the Ed Koch
endorsement. I have some thoughts.

I'm sure you do, but this has to be
written in Lance's voice rather than

torturing you and making you write 11
drafts. I'll just take it myself.

Alright. Okay, number seven, the deputy
mayor pre -interviews. I can take that.

I appreciate that, Molly, but I think
it's easier if I'm just sort of the

clearinghouse.

Alright. All right. Is there anything
else, or should I just go screw myself?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Molly, God, I
meant absolutely no offense. I just

it's tough, you know, for a new person
to just jump right in. Take a few days.

Get acquainted. Get to know the place.
Grab a donut. And if, by the way,

some type of donut or something that you
want that we don't have, you tell me.

I will.

Hey.

Hey. You ready?

Ready for what? For what? For clothing.
shopping. You blew me off yesterday. We

are going to buy everything above a size
12.

Okay, well, as fetching as that
sounds... Jamie, what's wrong with you?

Nothing. Excuse me. Nothing, okay?
Except that I've got a letter, a

paper, and four interviews to get
through before the end of the day. Why?

Why? Because I'm running a campaign
here. I know, but you have all these...

Alright, alright, alright. Come on.
We'll take half an hour. We'll go to

and we'll grab something. I can't buy
bread in half an hour.

Hey, little baby, repeat after me.

A is for apple.

B is for boyfriend.

What are you doing?

I'm teaching her to read.

How can you buy anything if you don't
try it on? Look, it fits. Let's move.

on a tight schedule.

Okay, and the minute... The minute your
parents give you a hard time and you

feel like running away, okay, you come
right to my house and we'll have

for dinner and watch violent movies on
cable, okay?

And you go to bed at 1 a .m., young
lady, no earlier.

Only you could corrupt a child that's
still in the womb.

It's my skill.

This is supposed to be a big day. It's
the first time you were buying...

maternity clothes.

I don't know about you, but I'm excited.

I'm excited? You don't seem it. Believe
me, Brockwell hears I'm pregnant, turns

around and hires some twit with my
haircut to do my job. Believe me, I'm

excited. I think you're overreacting.
Really? Because I don't.

C is for condom.

What? Never too early to teach her. Get
out of here.

Jamie, sit down. Stay a while. Give us a
little pleasure. Try something on.

Thanks. I don't have time to sit down.

Whoa.

Wow. Are you okay?

Oh, my gosh.

Sit.

Whoa.

Suddenly sitting down makes a little
more sense.

The story of America can be fold many
ways.

Fold? No.

Can be told many ways.

Most simply, it is about the purple. The
purple.

No, sorry. The people, the families... A
family?

Most simply, it is about families that
come from other lands to fill... What?

To find... No, come from other lands to
find their homes on our shores.

You're reading at a kindergarten level.

Well, what's the difference?

You know, we bought the place for the
day. Hey, hey, hey. You want to sing?

No, I don't want to sing.

Why not? We got a lull.

No, excuse me. This is not a low. A low
would be if the guy said, you guys are

morons, I'll be right back.

You know, this is called the end of the
day. All right, all right. So I got a

few things to learn about the producer
thing, all right? Who said you're a

producer? You're not a producer. You're
my cousin who lent me money.

That hurts, Paulie. You know, I'd like
to be a producer. What do I got to do?

You know what you got to do? You got to
produce. You got to learn to produce.

Find out what the project needs and then
produce that.

So that's all you need to say. You know,
I mean, hey, I know it. This is room

for improvement. I acknowledge that. But
what the hell?

You know, I always, ever since I was a
little kid, I kind of imagined myself up

on a big screen. You know, I mean, this
light reminds me of it. I was a kid,

third grade, doing that production of
what I think was Oklahoma.

Poor Judd is dead. Not a dry eye in the
house.

Polly, where'd you go?

Where'd you go?

Please say everything's okay.

Everything's okay.

Oh, my God. Thank God.

Got a little cocky there, didn't you?

Thought you could just barrel through
this pregnancy 80 miles an hour?

I thought I told you about this a couple
of months ago.

How many hours a day are you working?

Uh, well, it varies.

You know, uh, eight, nine, sometimes 11.

Do I need to tell you what I'm thinking?

No. Hey, hey, what's going on? I got
dizzy.

Lisa just said you got really dizzy. I
got a little dizzy.

The baby? The baby's the only sane one
in this family.

Fran and Lisa okay out there?

They're fine.

Lisa's reading Highlights magazine.

She's just working too hard, isn't she?
You have to quit your job.

You have to stop working. You have to
get into bed and just stay there for the

next six months.

I don't think that's necessary.

Well, can I do that then?

My advice is much simpler.

Slow down.

Slow way down?

Yeah, that's easy to say. You have no
idea. I've made a commitment to this

campaign. If you knew the stress and the
pressure... Didn't they just hire this

woman just to help you? Yes, exactly.

Can you believe that?

So, what's so bad? What's so bad? I've
worked for this man from your home.

go. Beautiful Mother B, I'm taking you
home.

Can any of you guys find a boot in this
tree?

Look at that.

It's still light out and I'm home for
the day.

Well, get used to it because you're
going to see a lot more light and a lot

days and a lot more of you sitting
nicely on a couch. Now sit down.

I have to call Molly. No, you don't have
to call Molly. No, I have to apologize

to her. You don't have to apologize to
her tonight.

Paul, I was really awful to this woman.

I'm sure you weren't that awful. Okay,
you know the kind of awful I can be

it wouldn't hold up in court but when
I'm finished you don't want to live

anymore?

Well, you should call her. This is what
I'm saying. But tomorrow. You'll call

her tomorrow. Come on. Joan said you
have to take it easy. You and I, we're

going to sit here.

We're going to watch TV.

Oh. What are you doing? I'm putting on
Crossfire. No, no, no, no. Come on. Joan

said you've got to take it easy. So?

So sit down. And you're not going to
watch Crossfire. We're going to watch

of Fortune.

Yes. Honey.

Now what? We've got to feed Murray. No,
I will do that. You sit.

Not you.

You sit.

Sit.

Stay.

Good girl.

Stay.

Come on, this will be like a test.

It could be work.

Could be.

It could be important.

You know, I will stay if you stay.
Alright, we're out. Deal. We'll call you

back.

Pauly, it's me. Pick up.

Pauly. Pauly.

Listen, oh, man, I did some producing
today. I made a few calls. Guess who I

to narrate our movie. Here, here's a
hint.

Go ahead. Now?

Yeah.

Paul, this is Buckman.

Now, this is the water you get, chicken
man.

Polly, it tastes just like water. This
is the premium brand preferred by

men.

Wow, that is good. See?

Polly, this is beautiful water. My
throat is entirely lubricated. See? Now,

compare and contrast.

Your water.

He's right, it's oily. Yes.

And his water.

This is nectar of the heavens. Yes.