All language subtitles for Loose.Cannons.1990.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]-eng

Quiet. Listen. Listen!

Shit, this is scary.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ!

- They've gone. Let's go.
- No.

Listen. Listen.

- They are coming back down.
- Oh, God.

Steckler.

Steckler.

- It's him! It's him!
- Who?

- Oh, my God.
- What?

What is he doing in this country?

Oh, Steckler, why don't you talk to me?

I know you are out there, Steckler.

Steckler, what's going on?

You have stolen something
from us, Steckler.

I've come a long way to get it back.

Return it and we will be good friends
again. Jawohl, Steckler?

Oh, by the way, Steckler, that first
little sale that you arranged...

...we had to cancel that.

That lovely agent from the German
government was very upset with you...

...when you double-crossed him.
I think he would have killed you...

...so we killed him instead.
We cut off his head.

Oh, God!

Steckler.

Pull over. We'll chew the fat a little.

Oh, God! What are you doing? No. No!

Nein!

- That's it. Come on.
- Halt! Steckler! Halt!

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. No. No!

Please!

Come on, come on, come on!

Shut up, you sex fiends!

- Ma'am, what do you want us to do?
- Arrest them. You're the Vice Squad.

- Ma'am, what do you want us to do?
- Arrest them. You're the Vice Squad.

It's not against the law.

You horse! You big horse! Oh!

You moose! Oh! You elephant!

She's got the Wild Kingdom in there.

- What are you gonna do?
- I think we ought to sell tickets.

Hey, hey, are you guys cops?

Are you gonna do something about
Mae West and Harry Reems in there?

Every night, humpety-hump,
sloshety-slosh.

I feel like I'm living
in a Pussycat Theatre.

Stuff a sock in it, you degenerate!

Jesus Christ, every fucking night!

Goddamn. Change coats with me.

Get away from that door.
You'll catch something.

Sir, I'm Dr. Ballsup from the
District of Columbia Health Department.

This is a spot check, sir.

Hi. I'm Dr. Ballsup
from the Health Department.

You're wearing a condom
at this time, are you not?

Condom? Well, no.
I left it home on the dresser.

Oh, well, we've heard that before.

I'm afraid I'll have to cite you
under D.C. Statute 3086942-64.

- Is this a joke?
- No, ma'am.

Safe sex in the '80s is no joke.

Officer Delaney, you have any of those
indiscriminate-copulation citation forms?

You know, I'm fresh out.

- Well, it has been a busy week...
- Did we use the...? The orgy, yes.

Come on, fellas, give me a break.
My wife lost her job. My kid's been sick.

Sir, have you ever been cited for
D.C. Ordinance 9...

- 30869...
- Nine...

...42-64?

No, sirs. Never. Swear to God.
Look, I always carry one in my wallet.

I just used the last one.
See, there's the indentation.

- He is correct about the indentation.
- I see.

- Why don't you give him a break?
- Okay.

Well, since we don't have the proper
forms and this is your first offence...

...l'll let you off with a warning. But I'm
gonna ask you to cease and desist...

...until such time as you have
obtained another condom.

Now, please, sir, let's all practice
safe sex, shall we?

It's for your safety as well as for ours.
Have a nice night.

Keep your nose clean.

Stern, you're crazier
than they said you were.

Hey, Stern, wait up.
I got a message from the captain.

Send a singing telegram.

Well, well, MacArthur Stern, supercop.
How's things out on the sleaze patrol?

Boy, the gaudier the cop,
the snappier the patter.

What's on your mind, Weskit,
besides stale material?

You know what you guys ought to do?
Every time you bust a whore...

...you ought to paint a little tit
on the side of your car to keep score.

Oh, Weskit, I don't want to use the
five points of IQ it would take...

...to have a battle of wits with you.
What the hell do you want?

Captain's bringing you back to Homicide.
Got a briefing in the morning at 8 a.m.

The porno murders.

Yeah, you being an expert in the field.

I give you three days, and then
you're back in the toilet.

Who am I partnered with?
Anybody I know?

You kidding? Nobody you know will work
with you. You're gonna love this guy.

What's so funny?

So this is the old Woody
you were always working on.

It's beautiful.
Looks like a diner I used to eat in.

Hey. Do you know what
this car represents?

Hey, what do you think, I'm ignorant?
I read that psychology crap.

- It represents your dick.
- What?

That's right. An automobile
represents a man's dick.

It's an extension of your penis.

This Woody represents
what you want your dick to be.

Actually, I think you're flattering yourself.
You ought to be driving a compact.

Hyundai or something like that.

You're disgusting, Weskit. This doesn't
represent my dick. It represents order.

- Order?
- That's right, order.

When I slide this key into that ignition
and I hear that engine purr...

...I know there's order in the universe.
There's continuity.

There's a continuum.

Do you know what I mean?

That's some deep shit, Stern.

I give you two days.
Maybe one. One day. One day.

You should write a book, Weskit.

Me and My Lobotomy.

All right, all right.

Ellis!

Ellis!

I just talked to the captain.
He said if you're ready, he is.

- Are you ready, Ellis?
- You're the doctor.

Clinically, I think you're ready.
I want to know what you feel.

I'm as sane as most people.

You'll have to face violence again.

If you're going into police work,
you know that.

I know. We discussed that.
We dealt with it.

If I have to, I have to. And I will.

Just don't be afraid to fail. Failure and
recovery is the natural order of things.

Don't worry about me, Father.
I'll be fine.

I haven't had a fragmentary episode
in months.

You're right. Absolutely.
You're the sanest person I know.

Actually, that's not very encouraging
coming from you. You're a psychiatrist.

Everyone you know is crazy. Or celibate.

Come on. I'll help you pack.

MacArthur Stern?

Yeah.

Capt. Doggett sent us out to get you.

Oh. I oversleep a little
and they send the cops on me.

There's been another killing.

- And they want us to go there now, right?
- That's what the captain says.

Nice place. Decorate it yourself?

Fuck you.

Goddamn it, it's hot.
It must be 110 out here.

- Hey, Mac. How you been?
- Hey. Remember Camus?

Yeah. How's Claire?

- Claire? Claire's a born-again Christian.
- Go on. She's a Catholic.

Every time I go see my son, calls me
the Antichrist and hides under the bed.

Oh. Over here.

What's going on here?

- What the hell you got there, Stern?
- What, this? This is a cat.

Gonna track the killers with it?
Most people use dogs.

Come on, Weskit, we know it's a cat.

That's really funny, Weskit.

I had a fire in my apartment this morning.

I didn't want to leave him in the car,
so l... What do you got here?

Male, Caucasian,
teeth extracted, fingerprints zapped.

Here's where they pulled
the boat in to dump the body.

Must have been pretty big,
from the size of the hole.

Over at Quiller's Boatyard,
I've got two more bodies.

Counting four from the
other night, that makes seven.

Wow. What's with this guy? Who is he?

That man possesses the keenest
analytical mind I've ever seen, bar none.

Hey, Ellis, how you feeling? Come on,
pal. I want you to meet somebody.

I want you to meet your new partner.

Ellis Fielding, Mac Stern.

People just don't like you, Stern.

Let's get out of here. We're going to
the boatyard. Wrap it up here, Weskit.

- Yeah, you love me, don't you baby?
- Okay, okay, let's go. Get him in a bag.

It's inspiring to see a great
analytical mind at work.

Just wait. Just wait.

Tell him to slow down, will you?
I want to take some notes.

Go on, make cracks.

What's he doing now?

Hey, hey, somebody call a cop.

What?

Jesus Christ, another one.
A gorilla was murdered?

A guy in a gorilla suit was murdered at
the Hookers' Ball about a mile downriver.

- That explains the costumes.
- Okay, captain.

- You find something?
- It's pretty clear, sir.

Let's hear it.

Well, okay. It happened
approximately like this.

That launch there was being pursued
by another, probably larger, powerboat.

The launch came up out of
the water at high speed...

...sailed through all this debris here...

...and then, before final impact,
two victims were thrown clear.

Then when the launch finally
came to rest, two other gentlemen...

...one dressed as the Queen of Hearts
from Alice in Wonderland...

...and the other, probably dressed
as the Mad Hatter...

...jumped out of the boat and ran.

Then someone in the powerboat
on the water opened fire.

And over the fence went
the Queen of Hearts.

Oh, boy, the Queen of Hearts. Good.

Now we'll finally find out who
painted the roses red, won't we?

Now, at this point, all the men
in the powerboat came ashore.

Someone killed the rabbit right here,
where the body was found.

Then two men chased the fat man
dressed as the Queen of Hearts...

...but he got away.

Someone tormented the German
gentleman dressed as the Cheshire Cat.

He taunted him from here all the way
over to here, then shot him.

Here, where the body was found.

That's as detailed as I can be
with cursory examination.

It's reasonably accurate. I could
answer questions now if you want.

Do you want them
one at a time or all together?

- Oh, give them to me all at once.
- Okay. How do you know the gunfire...

...came from this alleged powerboat?

How do you know anybody escaped,
let alone two people?

How do you know one guy
was dressed as the Queen of Hearts?

How do you know he was overweight?
How do you know this guy was German?

How do you know
that he was tormented?

Finally, how do you know
any of this shit?

Physical evidence.

Look at all these hits around here
I've marked with the yellow pegs...

...and up on the doors.

- That could have come from the shore.
- No.

Why?

I pulled all kinds of.30 caliber
slugs and shells out of here.

You've gotta admit that's
weird ordnance for an amateur.

I figure the guy must have been a pro.
Look at the door.

Looks like the Dow Jones
Industrial Average.

No professional marksman is that
inaccurate, indicating the firing began...

...when the boat was bobbing in the
water, hence the erratic pattern of fire.

How do you know the guy
dressed as the Queen of Hearts was fat?

I found this scrap of costume
here on the fence...

...indicating whoever wore it got over
the fence. Look, you see this flower?

See? This flower. See?

It's a rose. See the rose?
It's a rose worn by the Queen of Hearts.

See? Everybody knows her eye.
See, there's her eye.

So if we project just how large this card
might have been on a costume...

...we can conclude that the man
who wore it was of great bulk.

That's why I figure there were two men.
The guy who wore this...

...was probably too huge
to get over the fence without help.

Pray continue.

I know this man was tormented because
he's got a broken leg with the tibia...

...protruding through. It would have been
agonizing for him to move at all...

...much less crawl the 30 feet
he was forced to.

- How do you know he's German?
- That's the neatest of all.

The killers were very meticulous in
removing all identifying objects. Details.

They overlooked one thing. Look closely.
You see, he's had his leg broken before.

Probably snapped it skiing.
At least that's what it looks like.

Joe, give me what we extracted.

We pulled out this surgical repair pin.
You can read:

A West German domestic
medical supply company.

- They were clumsy in overlooking this.
- Those morons.

He might have been
another nationality and...

...just had his leg broken and set in
Germany, but there is corroboration.

- What do you see?
- A crotch. I don't much like it.

- The shorts, though.
- Yeah?

There's no fly. No pee-pee hole.
No opening, you know, European-style.

That's it in a nutshell.

Detective Stern, I was most impressed
by your recall of detail...

...in your querying of my account.
You've a very adequate mind.

Well, thank you very much.

I'll go see how they're doing on the other
bodies, especially the headless one.

Oh, right, Ellis, right.
Hey, great work, great work.

- How you doing?
- I'm fine.

- Thanks for the chance, Uncle Del.
- Well, that's great, that's great.

- I gotta talk to Mac for a minute.
- Okay.

- Check the registration on that launch.
- Hey, this guy is sharp.

Oh, yeah?

There's something wrong with that dude.

You know your problem, Mac?
You have no charity.

Hey, what is this,
"Doo-doo on Mac" week?

My training's in forensics,
ballistics, police science.

John Jay College, '74-'79.

Would you mind turning that off, please?
It disrupts my energy patterns.

Well, we can't have that, can we?

Forensics? I guess that's where you
developed your observational powers.

- Hold the wheel for a second, will you?
- What?

Hold this for a second.
I gotta do this.

Mr. Stern.
What are you going to do with that?

What do you think I'm going to do with it,
kid? I'm gonna roll a cigarette...

...then I'm gonna smoke it.
I bet you don't like cigarettes, do you?

- Give off bad vibes?
- No, they make my eyes burn...

...and my lungs hurt.
- I see.

So do you mind?

It's a nasty habit anyway.

So you've been in Narcotics
all this time?

No, actually I've been on sick leave
for much of the last two years.

What's wrong?

Is this a cat?

No, that's a giraffe.

Of course it's a cat. Why?

Will your cat always be coming
on assignments with us?

No, my cat almost never will be
with us on assignments.

Just very special ones.

Actually, I had to leave my apartment
this morning on short notice.

I'm allergic to cats.
Would you mind if I cover him up?

No, Ellis, go ahead. Cover up my cat.

I'll bet you're allergic to
a lot of things, aren't you?

- I'm annoying you, aren't I?
- Just a teensy little bit, really...

Anything else about me
that annoys you? Anything at all?

- No.
- No?

- Come on, there must be one little thing.
- No, no, nothing.

Really? Let's be frank now.
My driving. What about my driving?

Since you mentioned it,
could you possibly drive a bit slower?

I always annoy people. I don't mean to.

Is there anything else about me
that I need to improve?

- Anything at all?
- No, sir.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm gonna drive now. Real slow.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Hi, Rachel. Hey, come here,
you little son of a bitch! Goddamn it!

Hi, Rachel. Hey, come here,
you little son of a bitch! Goddamn it!

- I'll meet you in the morgue.
- All right.

Get him out of here.
He's slobbering all over my desk.

- Rachel.
- Mac.

Like your slacks. Are they tailored?

First day back, starting with that
sexist stuff again?

Hey, let's put it this way,
I'd rather be sexist than racist.

You're not sexist, you're just crude.
Oh, poor baby. Having a bad day?

Having a terrible day.
Say something nice to me, will you?

You have very strong-looking thighs
for a white man.

I like that, yeah.
Hey, would you be honest with me?

Am I selfish and self-centered?

No, but I have figured out
what's wrong with you.

Wait a minute.
Was there a recent symposium?

Everybody on the planet
get together...

...and discuss what's wrong
with Mac Stern?

I was just gonna say
you need a good woman.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- You want to live with me?
- I hear you don't live anywhere.

Well, that's true.

Well, what about my cat living
with you? Just till I find a place.

- Okay, Mac. What's his name?
- Camus.

- Camus? He's not suicidal, is he?
- That's good.

Oh, wait a minute.

Captain said to tell you they've
identified the owner of the boat...

...those guys were killed in.

Harry Gutterman. Harry "The Hippo."
Porno dealer.

Gutterman?
What is that, his stage name?

He owns a little S & M club
down in the industrial district.

Captain said to be sure you take note,
the guy weighs 350 pounds.

What's that mean?

Queen of Hearts.

- Son of a gun. Queen of Hearts.
- Queen of Hearts.

S & M club?
Like sadism and masochism?

Yeah, you know, you scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours. Only real hard.

I can't go into a club like that.

We're not gonna join,
we're just gonna question a witness.

Well, I know, but... You know, it's not
that I'm a Trudy Prudy or anything.

- What? What is it?
- It's that whole concept of pain and...

Look, it's part of the job, kid.

I know. I know.

Don't get me wrong, okay?

But did you ever stop to think that maybe
you're not ideally suited for police work?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Lots of times.
- Look. If anybody is rude to you...

...you just tell your old Uncle Mac, and
I'm gonna give them such a smack.

- Okay, thanks.
- Okay.

Look at this. A subculture based on
pain and degradation.

I'm not a prude. I don't think it's
disgusting. I think it's stupid.

Can I help you?

Yeah, you can. Get us a couple of
Shirley Temples, would you?

- Shirley Temples?
- Yeah.

You know, it's that red fizzy shit
in a tall glass...

...got a cherry and a couple straws in it.
- On your way. This is a private club.

- He's right. Come on.
- No, wait a minute.

That's unconstitutional,
not to mention impolite.

I came here to see Mr. Gutterman.
You fix that drink for me or I'll...

- No drinks without a membership card.
- What is this?

Here's my membership card.
Lets me go anyplace I want to go.

Right now, I want to go through that
green door to see the place...

...where you guys take those cigarette
butts and put them out in your navels.

Fake badges are cheap.
Show it again.

Hey, you! Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Get out...

Hey!

Ellis!

What are you doing? Give me a hand
here, would you? Come on, Ellis!

- Ellis!
- I just can't deal with the violence.

Now you tell me!

Excuse me for a minute.
Please, everyone!

Please, quiet, please!
Would you, please?

Hello, how are you? Albert Glendenning.
How are you? Albert...

Please! Please! Thank you very much.

I'm Albert Glendenning. I'm your
director of sports and recreation today.

And we're going to learn how
to box the correct way. Now...

Put them up! Put them up! Come on.

I'll fight you with one hand
tied behind my back. Come on.

Who's next? Who's next?

Come on, come on, come on.
I'll fight you with my eyes closed.

- I don't really know this guy.
- You nervous?

- Come on...
- Look what we have here, boys.

A really big pussy.

You gotta ask yourself one question:

Do you feel lucky, punk? Do you?

Do you?

Out of the West, through a cloud of dust,
with a hearty "Hi-yo, Silver!"...

...rides the Lone Ranger with his
faithful Indian companion, Tonto.

Hi-yo, Silver!

Hold it! Hold it. Get up there. Come on.

Spread them, come on.
Spread them. Get up.

Come on, get up. Spread them.

Hold it right there, butterball.
Come on, get over there.

Hey! Nothing doing. Get back in line.
Come on. Everybody get back.

Party's over. Come on.

Jesus, Joseph, Mary and all the saints.
Ellis, are you all right?

Was l...? Did l...? Oh, no.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine, Mac.

- Yeah.
- What the hell were you doing out there?

A diversionary tactic. You know,
the old Iroquois shaman trick...

...where you make them think
you're crazy, throw them off guard.

Worked like a charm. Didn't it?

Where'd you learn that,
John Jay College?

Well, graduate studies. After.

Call the precinct, get some help.

Sure, Mac. All right,
Metropolitan Police. Clear the way here.

Don't move or I'll shoot. You move,
I swear to God, I'll blow your brains out.

You moved! Didn't you hear what I said?

What are you, deaf, or what?
Don't you see this? You wanna get hurt?

- Are you guys really cops?
- I am. I don't know what the hell he is.

Shit, I can't tell the good guys
from the bad guys.

The only time I'm gonna feel safe
is if I shoot everybody.

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm so sorry
I looked at it. Why did I look at it?

Because I'm a schmuck, that's why.
If you're a cop, I demand protection.

You hear? I want protection.
Don't you understand they're crazy?

They're killing everybody who saw it.
Everybody!

You testify, we'll put you in
a witness protection program.

- Oh, really?
- Will you calm down?

What'd you see?

- A movie.
- A movie?!

Yes, a movie. A porno movie, that's all.
Triple-X stuff.

Only this one starred guess who?
Hitler and a couple Nazi guys.

You're kidding.
You saw this with your own eyes?

We all saw it. Except this movie
has no repeat business.

- What are you talking about?
- Everybody who saw the movie is dead...

...except for me and Steckler.
- Steckler? Who's Steckler?

Steckler is the Kraut who stole
the film and was trying to hawk it.

The other German guy,
the Cheshire Cat?

Muller. He's a porno dealer
from Stuttgart.

He's the guy who brought
Steckler over to meet us.

- Hey, Mac...
- Ellis, shush, will you?

I'm trying to get information.
What's a film like this worth?

Major bucks. A collector would pay
almost anything for a copy of it.

Yeah, a bunch of dead Nazis screwing.
Yeah, I'd pay...

No, it's not just a skin flick.
There's historical stuff in it too.

Could we get out of here?
They may be following us.

- Mac, excuse me...
- Please, I'm trying to get information...

- Yeah, do you mind?
- This guy Steckler, he barely knew you.

- Why'd he want to save you?
- You've gotta look!

Jesus.

- I'm glad you put on the brakes, Mac.
- Let me out.

So am I.

Somebody want...
Must want Gutterman pretty bad.

- We got trouble. We got trouble.
- Who are these guys?

What's that?

I brought this from a guy at an antique
store. He swore to me it would work.

Come on, Toto.

If I get killed, I'm gonna go back
and kick his butt.

Get out of the way!

I'll get you, my little pretty. And your little
dog too. I want those ruby slippers.

What are you doing,
playing leapfrog?

- Come on, put them up. Put them up.
- Get out of there, Hondo!

Oh, my God.

What?! You call this protection?!

- Oh, God.
- Give me some fire! Come on!

- Do I have to?
- Yeah!

- What were you doing in the street?
- Another diversionary tactic.

- Can you drive?
- Yeah.

Drive? You're gonna follow them?
Are you guys crazy? Oh, shit.

- Come on, Ellis.
- Your turn signal doesn't work.

Are you bullshitting me? Come on!

Don't curse when I'm driving.
It's very distracting.

Ellis, this is not driver's ed.
Step on the gas!

A courteous driver is a safe driver, Mac.

This is an authorized police pursuit,
you understand me?

This is cops-and-robbers time. Cops
and robbers! Cops and robbers, Ellis.

Cops and robbers!

- Oh, shit!
- Slow down!

- What's he doing?
- I don't know.

Mr. Sulu, set a course
for the Klingon battle fleet.

Prepare photon torpedoes and
phasers for full engagement.

- Mr. Scott, damage report.
- No, no, no damage report.

- You're not Capt. Kirk.
- You're right. I'm not Kirk.

- Slow down. You're gonna kill us!
- I'm Scott in engineering.

We'll never get those reactors back to
full power before we engage the enemy.

- Oh, jeez.
- You're not Mr. Scott.

I'm Bones. Bones! The ship's medic.

- Do something!
- What do you want me to do?

I'm Mr. Spock. Capt. Kirk,
I relieve you of your command.

That's what you call doing something?
Playing Mr. Spock?!

Hey! All my stuff went... Oh, Jesus!

Hey, bad guys!

Wait a minute. Oh, not my car!

Look what you're doing to my car!

Welcome to the NASCAR
driving school.

Anybody can learn to drive a stock car
with our patented technique of teaching.

The wall! Look out!

Yellow flag on the track. Yellow flag.

No, no! Not the other side of my car!

Starting time:271.

We're traveling at hyperphase velocity
to planet Kirilon.

- Mr. Sulu, warp speed.
- Warp...

No! No! No! Not warp speed!

Mr. Scott, damage report.

What's going on, captain?
I can't get any power to this reactor.

What in blue blazes happened?

The Enterprise is sagging
like a limp pud.

- Put your hands on that wheel, clown!
- Hi, boys. I'm Ricky Rudd.

Totalled! Ruined! The engine,
the body, even the damn ashtray!

I put hundreds of man-hours and
thousands of dollars into that machine.

And that's a dream that died! It just died!

- Take it easy, will you?
- Take it easy?

I just did the Firecracker 400 with
Ricky Rudd, Rusty Wallace...

...Capt. Kirk and Cmdr. Spock!

I'm sorry, Mac. I thought he was ready.

Yeah, he's ready all right.
For a nut house someplace.

Hey, Del, the good news is that
he qualified for a group rate.

Goddamn it, will you shut up?! Now sit
down and listen to me, will you, please?

You owe me that, at least.

All right. I owe you that.

This is not going to be easy.

Oh, Jesus.

All right. All right, here it is, straight out.

- Ellis is my nephew.
- Oh, God.

- Yeah, I thought you'd like that one.
- Del.

That's a good one.

He always wanted to be a cop,
but he simply wasn't cut out for it.

But he wouldn't let go of it.
All the time:

"I wanna be a cop, Del. Everybody in the
family is a cop, Del. I wanna be a cop."

So I felt sorry for him
and gave him a break.

So I put him in Narcotics.
Hey, he was mind-blowing, Mac.

Kid was a natural, a goddamned genius.

He went undercover.

Got picked up by a couple of
Colombians. You know those bastards.

Before they're through with you,
killing you is a favor.

They tortured that kid, Mac,
for two days solid and left him for dead.

You should see the scars.

And that's when this personality-disorder
business started.

It was wild.

I mean, it scared the shit out of me.
He started imitating people.

Armando. Armando was the man
who tortured him.

He acted out the whole thing.

Then he came up with this
crazy English guy.

Then more came out.
A cast of thousands.

- It was unbelievable.
- I've seen it. I've seen it.

So he was institutionalized for a year
with the brothers.

- The brothers?
- Benedictine monks.

They looked after him.
They think now he's ready.

Well, obviously he's not.

Come on, Mac.
Give the kid a break, will you?

He can't get it together all at once.
He's gonna have a few draw...

Don't fuck with me, Mac.
I owe that kid, and you owe me.

If it wasn't for me, it might very well
be you up there with those brothers.

Well, that's true.

So if I don't take the kid,
you're gonna give me Weskit, huh?

Have to, pal. He's the senior man.

Your nephew?

This guy we found in the marsh was
a agent of the German government?

Not only that. Steckler, the guy with
the film? Guess who pays his salary?

- Who?
- Kurt Von Metz.

The one running for chancellor
of Germany?

- Same guy.
- You're kidding.

Steckler was his personal secretary.

Interesting, all the German connections,
huh? Fielding.

So we got a German agent,
a porno king. Now Von Metz.

That's a load of sauerkraut.

How about me running over to the
German Embassy to look around?

Why don't you?

Mac. I know you don't want me
for your partner anymore.

I don't blame you.

By now you know I've got
this little condition...

...and one of the things that triggers it
is driving.

Condition, huh?

Well, I'll tell you, we're gonna have
a kind of a limited partnership.

Your Uncle Del will tell you about it.

I'm going home.

- You told him I was your nephew?
- He guessed.

I don't have a home.

You do now.

Forgive me, sir,
but I only want a simple yes or no.

Were you associated
with Adolf Hitler?

I shall answer you as I did...

... when I was nominated commander
of NA TO, Mr. Waslinski.

I never had the displeasure
of even meeting Adolf Hitler.

Any guess, Mr. Von Metz,
where these rumors have come from?

Sensation mongers.
The supermarket journalists.

Next, they will have me in a bungalow
with Marilyn Monroe.

Or maybe I am in daily communication
with your Elvis Presley.

- Let me now go on to ask...
- Just a moment, Mr. Waslinski.

Are your viewers aware
that I was in prison?

Would you care to enlighten them
as to why I was there?

Sir, you were sentenced
for participating in the September plot.

- Which was?
- A plot to assassinate Hitler.

- Thank you.
- Your critics say...

...this whole assassination business
was fabricated.

- He is here.
- Who?

Sir, they say hard evidence exists...

...that not only links you
to Adolf Hitler but...

- What are you doing here?
- You wanted to see me.

Are you mad? Never near him. Never!
I gave you a meeting place.

It couldn't wait until then.
See, we have a crisis.

Steckler's disappeared.

All those people that you killed.
A chief of intelligence.

We hired you to get the film back,
not to start a holocaust. It must stop!

You lecture me, you fool.
I didn't let him steal it.

You're all morons. Including him.

What goes on here, Grimmer,
is something you do not understand.

Now find Steckler.
Tell him all will be forgiven.

He will be reinstated.
We will match whatever offer he has.

But no more killing.

You think he will believe that?
There are only two left now.

When they are gone,
your mistakes will be corrected.

- I am telling you.
- Nein!

I am telling you,
you do your job and I do mine.

And if you ever touch me again...

Yeah,
looks like an explosion in a dairy.

Great for graffiti, though.

I know it's kind of blank.
But it's this MPD thing.

- MPD?
- Yeah, my condition.

Multiple Personality Disorder.

They say I should cut down on the
amount of stimuli I process.

- Well, you've cut down to none.
- Wanna hear a tape?

Yeah, what do you got?

- Earth, forest, wind, beach.
- Beach.

Okay.

I guess you might say
I'm kind of searching for myself.

Let me know if you ever find yourself,
kid, 'cause I'd like to meet you.

- Have a seat.
- You know, we have a lot in common.

Yeah. For every mood that I'm in,
you have a complete personality to fit it.

Well, thanks for trying to understand.

I guess I keep this apartment white
because I really don't know who I am.

It's kind of like a blank piece of film
waiting to be exposed...

...to what I was before my trauma
or what I've become...

...since I was last myself
or what I hope to be again someday.

- One person, one mind.
- You sound like a bumper sticker.

Stay as long as you want.
Got the extra room and everything.

Yeah, I'm kind of tired.
If you don't mind, l...

- Sure. It's around the corner.
- Hit the sack.

Here's the guest room. Your room.

Sorry, I guess I could have used
a little color in here.

There's a toothbrush, shaving stuff
and a bathrobe on the door here.

Just help yourself,
make yourself at home.

Okay.

- Yeah.
- Hi, it's me.

Well, I figured.

There's no way of telling whether
I'm gonna go into an episode tonight.

You know,
I just don't know when they occur...

...but when I start these personalities...

...sometimes it's like
I'm kind of having nightmares.

I doubt I'll do anything violent,
but lock the door, just in case.

I can take care of myself.
I'll be out of here tomorrow.

Well, stay as long as you want.
Sleep tight.

Land jets! Prepare to land jets!

Please!
Please get these rats off me now!

You like rats? You like roaches?
You like bugs of all descriptions?

Don't listen to him.

We'll never go anywhere.

Good night, everybody.

- Mac.
- Yeah, I see them, kid.

They've been with us since your place.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

What happened to your magical powers
of observation?

You have a hard night?

Tailing and surveillance doesn't happen
to be my area of expertise, okay?

Did I do something strange last night?

- Do anything to disturb your sleep?
- Not a peep.

Think they're the same people
who tried to kill us yesterday?

I don't know.

You don't wanna live forever, do you?

I wouldn't mind making the average
male North American life expectancy.

I have given your message
to Herr Doberman myself.

Someone will be with you presently.
If you will please wait here.

Here?

Yes, sir. Right here.

Right here?

Yes, sir. Right there.

Thank you.

Must be the magic oval. I guess
we're safe in here or something.

Detective Stern.

Bob Smiley,
assistant deputy director of the FBI.

You've heard of us.

Just kidding, Mac. Call me Bob.

- It is Mac, right?
- MacArthur Stern.

Right. Look, Mac...

...let's get off on the right foot here.

Just kidding, Mac.
I like to keep things loose.

- Who's this?
- This is Mr. Fielding.

How are you? Sorry,
my dossier didn't list your partner.

Well, he's not my partner.
He's my tailor.

What?

Just kidding, Bob.

That's funny. Look, Mac...

Listen, I came down here to meet with
an official of the German government.

Now, why am I speaking
to the FBI agent?

- Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac.
- Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. What?

So tell me, Mac,
are you onto something? Is that it?

- Could be.
- Wouldn't be good not to tell me.

- I suppose not.
- As one professional to another...

...l've got to tell you,
we've got a thorny problem.

- What's that, Bob?
- Well, we're extremely sensitive...

...to the great job you boys are doing
down in the trenches.

I started on the bottom rung.
Did you know that?

- I didn't know that, Bob.
- Yes, indeedy.

Two years, Homicide, Tacoma P.D.

- I'll be darned.
- Yeah.

So, Mac, I want you to know...

...that we're aware that you have
a multiple homicide case to resolve...

...and God knows that's an important
public responsibility...

...and we're gonna open every bit of this
up to you lads...

...just as soon as National Security
priorities are satisfied.

I think that sounds square.

- What do you think, Mac?
- I think that sounds pretty shitty, Bob.

Well, I can understand that
from your perspective, Mac.

I'd probably feel that way too
if I were in your shoes, but I'm not.

- I'm in these shoes.
- Thom McCann's, 111 l2E.

And these shoes walked a lot
of hard miles.

These shoes have carried some heavy
loads, in terms of this nation's security.

What do you say to that, Mac?

I think those shoes are carrying
the biggest load I've ever seen, Bob.

Well, I can see we got off
to the wrong foot after all.

I've got a writ being drafted,
giving me custody of Mr. Gutterman.

I'll be down for him in about an hour.

You boys have a nice day.

- Mac, can I say something?
- Yeah, Ellis, what is it?

- What a fucking putz.
- Why, Ellis.

Well, I mean, he's a classic
anal-retentive reprobate.

"Anal-retentive."

- It's got a nice ring to it.
- It's psychology.

I like "fucking putz" better.

We're gonna have to move Gutterman.

He's not gonna get along
with our Mr. Smiley in there.

- Can we do that?
- Yeah, if we get a forklift.

They're still here.
Wonder what her story is.

Based upon first observations, subject
to revision with further data of course...

...l'd say she's about 5'7",
117 pounds.

DIA, CIA or NSA operative.

Recruited out of Bennington College,
Vermont.

Born in Richmond, Virginia.

Turn-ons: Fellini films and men
with hairy chests who read Chaucer.

Turnoffs: macho men
who aren't for world peace.

- Also has a cat named Bootsie.
- What?

Just kidding.
How the heck would I know who she is?

Ellis, Ellis, Ellis.

Now, come on, Harry. You know
Steckler wouldn't risk his life...

...helping you over that fence
for nothing.

Come on, you can tell us.
You were the buyer.

I don't want to have anything
to do with it.

And you guys can't make me do it!
I want my lawyer!

Okay, fine.

We don't need Mr. Gutterman anymore,
do we?

- Let's cut him loose, shall we?
- Loose?

Wait, you can't do that.
I'll be dead before dinner.

Based upon current trends,
I'd say that's a good bet.

- I think so, yeah.
- Okay!

You guys want me to confess,
I'll confess. All right, I did it.

- I'll show you where the bodies are.
- Gutterman, forget it.

- We're gonna cut you loose.
- Bullshit.

- Oh, yeah?
- You're bluffing.

- Just try me. Just try me.
- You're bluffing.

Mr. Gutterman's innocent.
We're gonna cut him loose.

- Will you process him?
- Visit anytime.

- Process me, Rachel.
- You sure about this?

- Yeah, I'm sure.
- He's innocent?

Yeah, he's innocent.

Rick? Detective Fielding.

From the Wagner case,
couple of years ago.

I just wanted to repay the little help that
you gave us on that with a news tip.

Well, we've been holding Harry "The
Hippo" Gutterman as a material witness.

Yeah, Mr. Triple-X himself. Yeah.

Trouble is, we can't hold him anymore.
We gotta let him go.

We're cutting him loose. Wondered
if you want to come ask him questions.

You would? Well, great. How fast
could you have a video crew here?

Oh, terrific. So he would make
the noon report, huh?

You're gonna have a terrific interview
with this guy. He's quite a character.

- Okay.
- That's not funny.

- Now you're catching on.
- You're signing my death warrant!

Harry, don't use clich�s, all right?

We have no respect for you
if you use clich�s.

- But this is like a nightmare.
- Another clich�.

Get newspapers involved.
It's a big story.

- Why not the networks?
- National Enquirer.

- All right, what do you want?
- When do you meet Steckler...

...to buy this film?
- Tomorrow.

- Where?
- I own a bathhouse in New York.

- Let's go.
- No, go. You go. You don't need me.

We don't know what Steckler looks like.

I don't wanna go with him. He's crazy.
And I have my doubts about you.

- Washington Post.
- Reuters International.

- TASS. Pravda.
- CNN. MTV.

- New York Times.
- I am not going!

I swear to God, if I get killed,
I'm gonna sue you guys.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Someone we'd rather not see right now.

Oh, jeez.

- So who we running from?
- Bad men, Harry.

Chasing us to a police station.
These are really bad guys.

- Come on, move it.
- I want protection.

- You'll get protection.
- Oh, like I had yesterday?

- You're not dead. That's protection.
- You're just lucky, that's all.

- Come on, Harry. Put it in high gear.
- I got one gear. This is it.

- Who we running from?
- We're taking the van.

Hey!

- I'll drive.
- No!

- Let's go.
- Just a second.

I'd like to bring my right leg with me,
you mind?

Let's go! Come on!

Hey, you gotta sign for that.

Who the hell are they?

What the fuck you think this is? Hertz?

We can't take a chance on the road.
We'll catch a train.

- You guys all right?
- Yeah, yeah! Lose them! Lose them!

Hold on.

Where the hell you think we're going?

Let's see what you got, cowboy.

- What the hell is wrong with you?
- My God! I'm so sorry.

- Where'd you learn to drive?
- I didn't see you.

- Hold on!
- To what? No!

- Get this car out of here!
- Get into that car and get out of here!

- Get! I don't care! Get out of here!
- I can hear you. Stop yelling!

Wait! You're gonna wreck the car!
What are you doing? No! Oh, no!

- Thom McCann's, 11 E.
- I'm dead.

- Calm down. Put him on the train, okay?
- All aboard!

You have got to be the dumbest jerk
I've ever met.

Bob, you brought my application
for the FBI. Oh, thanks.

Cut the crap.
That's a writ giving me custody...

...of the prisoner, Harry Gutterman.

Ace, hold it. Bob, you got a writ.

I got a writ. My writ is better
than your writ.

Are you crazy?
This document means nothing.

You better back off quick, or I'll have
your nuts in a Cuisinart. You got that?

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, you know
anything about mathematics?

Multiplication, subtraction?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand math.

What's this add up to, Bob?

You are crazy.

I'll see you in court. In the meantime,
stay out of my way.

I'll see you in New York. You just
screwed with the wrong man, boyo.

Get us some tickets.

Hey, that looks like Bob Smiley
from the FBI.

Hey! Yeah. Hi, Bob. How you doing?

Hey, you know this train goes
to Cleveland, Mac?

I know. We'll catch a plane back
to Philly and drive the rest of the way.

Cleveland?

I hope you noticed I've been
pretty even and clear, huh?

- Yeah.
- No episodes, no problems.

Everything under control.
I'm kind of proud of myself.

Can somebody tell me
what the hell's going on here?

Hold it, sweetheart.
Ellis, cover that dude.

Assume the position, come on.
Up, up, up.

This is the position you meant, right?
I watch American TV.

At least you didn't say, "Spread them."

I didn't see that episode.

ID's in my purse.

Rebecca Lowengrin.

Call me Riva.

"Attach� Israeli Embassy."
Attach� spelled Mossad?

- Mossad?
- Israeli secret service.

Oh, that's my people. I'd like to apply
for political asylum right now.

Simmer down, Gutterman.
What about these dudes?

They don't look like they're going
to a Tupperware party.

Can we talk someplace
less conspicuous?

- How about the dining car?
- We have a room with a view.

It's a very small room.

How much do you know about all this?

Just that Hitler was a very naughty boy
and that Von Metz was his buddy.

Exactly, and now in four days, this man
is gonna be chancellor of Germany.

Unless you get to that film.

Let me understand.
Von Metz and Steckler were close.

Political opponents of Von Metz
bribed Steckler...

...to see if they could find something
to use against him.

Steckler found the film,
saw it was of such great value...

...decided to double-cross everybody
and sell it to Harry Gutterman.

Von Metz killed everybody
who'd seen it?

Not Von Metz directly. There's
a mercenary named Joseph Grimmer.

He's a neo-Nazi fanatic, a psychotic. He
makes Noriega look like Mother Teresa.

Von Metz's people
have lost control of him.

- The rocket man.
- Yeah. We've met him.

So you want us to give you the film?

We believe Von Metz was
a favorite of Hitler's.

He may have been the one chosen
to help Hitler commit suicide.

I gotta think about this.

Well, do I get a vote?

Yeah, but in case of a tie, I win.

I know if I'm even partially responsible
for letting a guy like Von Metz go...

...l'll have more nightmares.

Me.

Et tu, Harry? Since when did
you get so civic-minded?

I know. I know you think
I'm a sleazebag, right?

Maybe I am. Maybe I am a sleazebag.
Maybe all my life I've been a sleazebag.

Somebody had to be the sleazebag.
If it wasn't me, maybe it'd have been you.

So maybe you should thank me.
Did you ever think of that?

I never thought about it like that.
But now that you put it that way...

...thanks for being a sleazebag for me.

My pleasure.

Anyway, I say nail this Von Metz
because he is a real sleazebag.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus!

Shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

That bastard's trying
to take over the train.

He has taken over the train.

They need Gutterman alive.
That gives us an advantage.

I'll hold them. You go to the back.

- Ellis, I need your help!
- Who are they, Sundance?

Next time I say let's go someplace like
Bolivia, let's go someplace like Bolivia!

- Who's he doing now?
- I don't know.

- Halt!
- No, no, no.

Not until Harvey and I get the
rules straightened out.

- Butch Cassidy and the...
- Sundance Kid.

Harvey? Rules?

Halt! Halt!

Halt! Halt!

Road Runner?

Hey, it's working.

Let's move!

Road Runner! Road Runner!
Up the stairs!

Get Gutterman. Come on! Come on!

- Who are they?
- I've been asking that all day!

We can fight or they'll
starve us, Sundance.

What?

They might surrender,
but I wouldn't count on it.

- We'll fight!
- No, we'll jump!

- Are you crazy?
- Do you want to die?

- I can't swim!
- We gotta jump!

Are you nuts?
You couldn't possibly sink.

Harry! Harry!

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man

The Love Boat
Soon we'll be taking another cruise

Rollin', rollin' on the river

Chopper's coming. Come on, let's go!

Get down! Get down!

They're coming back.

They're leaving.

We'll be lucky if he doesn't have
a bloodhound on that helicopter.

What do we do now?

They can't hang around too long. That
hijacking will attract a lot of attention.

We'll just wait here until dark.

There's a little town
a couple miles back.

Ellis, are you all right?

I'm sorry, Mac. I'm sorry.

Let's go, Harry.

It's getting late.
Let's get ready to go, kid.

I can't make it, Mac.

What? What are you talking about?

The whole thing. I just... I feel like
I'm collapsing in on myself.

I feel like the next time I go to split,
l... I'm gonna go...

...and I'm not gonna make it back,
and there's gonna be no Ellis anymore.

So you gotta take me
back to the brothers.

Listen, I'm gonna say
something to you...

...that I have never ever said
to anybody in my life, ever.

What's that?

I need your help.

Yeah, I need your help.

You know, I've always had
this kind of noble view of myself.

That I'm this Mr. Straight Arrow
living in a crooked world.

If you don't like my merry-go-round,
get off and get your own wooden horse.

And then you came along, and
I saw you out there battling against...

...enemies that you couldn't even see.

I said to myself, "I gotta help this guy."

I mean, "I need to help this guy."

So you can't go back to the monastery.
You got that straight?

Sure, Mac.

You know the poet Dylan Thomas?

I've read a couple sonnets.

My favorite line of poetry:

Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light

That's what you're doing, kid.

You've seen the light flickering, and
you're afraid it's gonna go out. And it is.

It is gonna go out.
And that should piss you off.

You gotta get your rage back. You gotta
fight. You know what I'm saying?

Scare those dark, ugly buggers
just right back into the night.

Throw your head back and howl,
you know? Try it, come on.

Throw your head back and howl.

Come on, try it. Come on.

Come on, that's a puppy yelp. Come on.
Throw your head back and howl.

Come on.

That's it. Come on.

Doesn't that feel good?

Now it's both of them. Oh, shit.

Pretty snazzy, Harry.

- You gone legit?
- I got a lot of legitimate interests.

Is this joint in your name?

It's a corporation. I'm the president.

Then Grimmer and his storm troopers
will find it, if they haven't already.

Mac.

- Do we give the film to the Israelis?
- Yes.

I don't know where the Israelis are,
and I don't have time to find them.

She knows where we are.

You told her?

You shouldn't have done that.

Mac, the Israelis are gonna
make sure the world...

...sees this film tonight.

What are you talking about?

Von Metz is speaking to the International
Conference of Christians and Jews.

The Israelis will project the film
during his speech.

All right!

Harry, is there a back way in this joint?

Are you kidding?

- Yeah. Okay.
- Is this a secret passage?

It comes in very handy with jealous
husbands, business partners, et cetera.

Get on your intercom, find out if any
large groups have come through today.

Max. Maxie?

Where the hell are you, Max?

Max!

A two-way mirror, huh?

Yeah, yeah, two-way mirror.

- Hello?
- Max, it's me.

Any large groups of people
come through today?

Just singles and couples.
Lots of business for this time of day.

- Anybody speaking German?
- Anybody talking German?

No, sir, no Germans.
What's going on, Mr. Gutterman?

Nothing. Thank you.

Let's take a look around.
Harry, you got a gun I can use?

Oh, be my guest.

- Wow!
- All sizes, all shapes, all models.

Every health spa so equipped?

We got a lot of competition
in this business.

Can you handle this?

I can handle it.

If you change, make it into Rambo.

Yo.

It looks harmless enough.

On the surface.

Is that a steam room over there?

Check it.

Why don't you grab a towel
and join us?

I'm trying to quit.

Don't be cute. I speak pig Latin.

Pig Latin.

Gesundheit.

Steckler!

- All right, Harry!
- Go, Harry!

They're fucking
with the wrong Jew this time!

Steckler! Get Steckler!

Get Steckler out of here!

- What are you gonna do?
- I'll cover you.

Come on! My gun's jammed!

Ellis, cover me!

- Hey!
- At Grand Central Station in a locker.

What?

Hunky-dory, yeah? Up, Liebling.

Grimmer!

It's over!

I said, up, asshole!

Hold your fire! We have
your collaborators.

Out the door now! Now out!

Or we kill everybody! Now!

He told you, yeah?

Only God hears him now. He's dead.

Now! Tell me now! I have no time!

I don't know.

You leave me no choice.

You understand German! Tell me,
where is it? Tell me!

- Where is it?
- I'll take you to it.

Grand Central! We're going
to Grand Central Station.

Damn it!

- Get me a blanket.
- You got it.

No blanket. Get a pliers.

You need tokens. Got any tokens, Mac?

- I don't... I don't have any of them.
- We need some, though.

- I could get them for you.
- Why don't we do that.

What's the matter?

It's the ceiling. It's closing in.
I feel a little...

You're a good cop. You're gonna
be all right. Hold on, all right?

- We'll make our move.
- What?

- Umpjay annisterbay.
- Huh?

Umpjay annisterbay.

Come on! Get... Go!

- Mac!
- Ellis!

Get up!

Ellis!

Ellis! Ellis!

Police officer. Let me through, please.
Let me through. Police officer!

Police officer. Back this train up!

- Are you crazy? I can't back up.
- Back up!

- Subway, no reverse.
- Damn!

This one of your regular haunts,
Grimmer?

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Police! Open up. Come on, open up!

- What's going on?
- Grand Central Station.

- Yes, sir.
- Let's go!

- A cab's in front of me.
- Push him out of the way!

- Push him out of the way?
- Push him out of the way!

Push him out of the way.
I've always wanted to do this.

Hey! Hey! Hey, what the hell you doing?

Hey, the light's gonna change
in 30 seconds, you asshole!

- Go through it!
- No way!

You like this stuff, huh? This is fun
for you, huh, Grimmer? Fun!

Hey! What do you guys want...?

Police! Don't move! Drop it! Drop it!

Cuff him, come on! Get the other guy!

Hold it!

Sorry, but time for politeness is over.

Thank you for the information.
You've been a very entertaining fellow.

Come!

I told them the film was
in Workers Area B...

...in some guy named
Greisendorfer's locker.

Yeah.

There's no guy named Greisendorfer.

You did good, kid. You did good.

- Steckler said it was in locker 64.
- Sixty-four.

- Workers Area B.
- Okay.

Locker 64.

You scared that ugly bugger
back into the night.

- He heard me howling, huh?
- He heard you howling.

- Go get them.
- Hold on. Hold on just a couple minutes.

I'll be fine. Go get it!

Mac!

Mac!

Hold it, sauerkraut!

Get your hands on that locker, sweetie.
Come on, come on, come on!

- Come on, come on, come on!
- Drop your weapon!

- I'm a police officer.
- Now!

Nobody move.

All right, hold it, Cookie Monster.

Come down, pussycat.

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Get down. Down the ladder!

Give me my film.

Easy, give me the film.

Suffering succotash!

I thought I saw a pussycat. I did. I did!

Oh, no, Mr. Bill. I'm cuckoo
for Cocoa Puffs.

Lucy, I'm home. Well, isn't that special?

- It's comic relief, huh?
- Well, excuse me!

Guess what? Humpty Dumpty took
the great fall, huh?

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Give me the fucking film.

- Shoot him, Ellis.
- Oh, yeah, right.

I can't, Mac. I don't have a gun.

You didn't have to say that, did you?

On the other hand, he's crazy.

He could be fibbing
about not having a gun.

Yeah, could be.

What do you think a.45 automatic
would do to him from here?

Put a pretty good hole in him,
don't you think?

Grimmer, about the gun, I lied.

Guess what?

Humpty Dumpty's back on the wall.

Police spokesmen
have refused comment.

Here now is exclusive footage
taken three days ago...

... by an Australian delegate.

When Israeli agents interrupted
Kurt Von Metz's speech...

... with this astonishing film...

... showing the death of Adolf Hitler
by ritual suicide.

Here one can see Hitler kneeling
before the young soldier...

... chosen to deliver the coup de gr�ce.

That soldier is none other
than Kurt Von Metz...

... leaving no possible doubt
that Von Metz...

... was a member
of the Nazi inner circle.

Here one can see, undeniably,
the striking thunderbolt birthmark...

... under the left eye of both the elder
and the younger Kurt Von Metz.

Irrefutable evidence.

Yes. Put him on.

Mr. Gutterman come out
of recovery yet?

Mr. Gutterman?

- Oh, you mean the whale from hell?
- Nurse!

Right on cue. Room 116. Help yourself.

- Help!
- Aren't you gonna see what's wrong?

I'd rather set my head on fire and
have it put out with a sledgehammer.

Nurse!

- I'd like to see that, actually.
- You son of a bitch!

Oh, no, watch the ass! Watch the ass!

Watch the ass! Watch the ass!

Oh, my God! Wait a minute.

You schmucks! I have a hole in my ass!

That's why they call you an asshole.

You call this a wheelchair?
Get out of here!

Hi. Hey, you! You call this protection?

I wouldn't be in this fix
if it wasn't for you, mister.

You really got your ass
in a sling this time.

How you feeling?

What do you mean, how am I feeling?
I'm dancing Swan Lake this afternoon.

Didn't they tell you? How am I feeling?

They took 12 ounces of lead
out of my ass!

You needed some lead taken
out of your ass. You know that.

Funny. Funny. Now I got six months
of ass jokes to look forward to.

- How's Ellis?
- Oh, he's great.

He's one floor down.
Want to go see him?

- Yeah, you drive.
- Okay.

Oh, shit.

Who are the children of the night?

We are the children of the night.

- I think he's in there.
- They are the children of the night.

Easy.

What kind of monsters are we?

Dinosaurs!

- What kind of dinosaurs?
- Tyrannosaurus rex!

Let me see the Tyrannosaurus rex.

Hey, Mac. Just entertaining
the troops. Harry!

Everybody, this is Harry the Hippo,
the super spy I told you about.

Let's give him a hand.

- He's too fat to be a spy.
- Yeah!

- Fat guys can't be spies!
- Yeah!

I'm not fat. Wait a minute!

Hold it! Hold it down! I'm not fat.
I'm Harry Gutterman.

- I'm an international agent.
- No, you're not!

- And I am disguised...
- No.

...this week as a fat guy.
This is all Jell-O.

That's why I smell like strawberries.
Feel. Go ahead.

Easy now, he's a national treasure.

Listen, who wants to hear how I broke
the Von Metz case?

- Me!
- All right, all right.

Bring me to those glazed doughnuts,
and I'll tell you about it.

First of all, I had this dog, no nose.

- How did he smell?
- Terrible, take my word for it.

- He's great with kids.
- First there was this guy...

...a real son of a bitch,
but I didn't give a shit about him.

- This is when I was thinner.
- You know, Riva came by this morning.

- How's she doing?
- Great. You were in therapy.

- Yes, would I lie to children?
- Yeah!

- Let's take a walk, okay?
- Okay.

You know, you're all getting on my
nerves. Nurse, take them out of here!

- Look, Ellis...
- It sounds serious.

Yeah. I know you were looking forward
to being partners, and so was I really.

Riva recruited Harry and I to be secret
agents with the Israeli government.

- You know, the Mossad.
- Yeah.

Naturally, I have to convert to Judaism.
I'm gonna be bar mitzvahed tomorrow.

We leave for Tel Aviv the next day to
train at a secret site in the Sinai Desert.

- Really?
- Yeah.

The only thing I'm worried about is,
I have to be circumcised.

Circumcised? You're kidding.

Yeah.

Oh, Mac. Mac, Mac, Mac.

You know why we make
such good partners?

No, why?

Because technically,
you're crazier than I am.

I knew that.