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1
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,606
- I'm funnier than he is, but
they told me to introduce him.
2
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:06,974
Here's Jeff Dunham!
3
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:12,346
[upbeat rock music]
4
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:19,120
* *
5
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,359
- Well, welcome to my
Valentine's Day special and...
6
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,028
[cheers and applause]
7
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:29,763
There are at least two things
in this world
8
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:31,732
that I know are
completely universal.
9
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,102
We all need love and laughter.
10
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,739
Audrey and I have now been
married for 11 1/2 years,
11
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:41,375
and I, I am the luckiest man
on the planet.
12
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,876
I say that every single day.
13
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,044
Yeah, and--
14
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:47,881
But now the world turns,
15
00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:49,650
and I have twin boys,
Jack and James.
16
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,452
They are eight years of age.
17
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:52,786
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, thanks.
18
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:55,389
But you know, with the kids,
19
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:56,790
you never know
what you're going to get.
20
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,160
There's some DNA mixed in with
how you raise them.
21
00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:00,594
No matter what you do,
they could turn out
22
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:02,396
to be little shits anyway, so.
23
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:07,301
But at age eight,
all kids are sponges.
24
00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:09,036
You know, they hear stuff,
and they repeat it
25
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,070
whether they should or not.
26
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,705
And if I had known
earlier in life
27
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,541
than later in life
I was gonna have more kids,
28
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,143
I might not have said
some of the things I did
29
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,744
in some of
my stand-up specials.
30
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,148
There's a couple of specials
31
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:22,216
where Peanut imitates
porno music.
32
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,121
And I'm not kidding, I don't
know how many times I've caught
33
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,123
James walking through
the house all by himself,
34
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,492
and he's going
* boom, chicka, wow, wow
35
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,529
And you know I'm gonna get
that call from school.
36
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,566
"Mr. Dunham, James has been
imitating pornographic music."
37
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,334
I'm like, "oh, yeah,
he got that from his mom.
38
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:42,136
I have no idea
where that came from, so."
39
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,039
Speaking of love,
are you guys ready for
40
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,475
the little people in the boxes?
41
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,911
[cheers and applause]
All right.
42
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:56,116
In classical mythology,
Cupid is the god of desire,
43
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,919
erotic love, attraction,
and affection.
44
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,523
So ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome Cupid.
45
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,926
[upbeat rock music]
46
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:09,062
* *
47
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:13,234
[laughter]
48
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:20,073
[cheers and applause]
49
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,075
- Shut the hell up.
50
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,780
[mocking laughter]
51
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,086
You know how much
I hate you right now.
52
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:37,658
- Hello, Cupid.
- I'm Walter, damn it.
53
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,861
- Yeah, but tonight
you're supposed to be Cupid.
54
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,530
- I'd rather be
working at Walmart.
55
00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,531
- [chuckles]
Just play along.
56
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:45,499
- [mockingly] Just play along.
57
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,807
- So Valentine's Day is a busy
time for you, isn't it, Cupid?
58
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,310
- This qualifies as
elder abuse.
59
00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:00,581
- It looks like you're ready to
60
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,883
get to work for Valentine's
Day. Are you feeling OK?
61
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:05,319
- No, I'm half naked and
my nipples are chapped.
62
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,790
And what kind of costume is
wings and Depends?
63
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,363
These lights are too bright.
Put my sunglasses on.
64
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:16,163
- You want sunglasses?
65
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,498
- Put on the damn sunglasses.
66
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,566
It's too bright out here.
67
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:19,733
Whatever, just put 'em on me.
68
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,134
Oh, you're gonna blind me.
69
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,503
What the hell is wrong
with you?
70
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:26,374
- There.
- Oh, ah, much better.
71
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:30,043
[cheers and applause]
72
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:32,446
Look, Ray-Bans and Depends.
73
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,114
I'm Joe Biden!
74
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:42,923
[cackling laugh]
75
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,528
I'm president
and I can't get up.
76
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,629
- Will you stop?
77
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:53,834
Walter--
- Ah, come on.
78
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,769
Folks say I look like him
all the time.
79
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,271
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah, they're like,
80
00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:58,872
"are you Joe Biden?"
81
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,274
I wouldn't want
to disappoint them,
82
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,776
so I say, "I don't know,"
and they believe me!
83
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,115
- I'm taking these off.
- Well, that was easy.
84
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:10,418
- So as Cupid, your job is
to go around
85
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:11,985
shooting arrows into
people's hearts,
86
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,254
which then makes them
fall in love, right?
87
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:17,291
- Yeah, yeah. Love, lust,
whatever you want to call it.
88
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:20,293
- Oh. So what's the difference
between love and lust?
89
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:21,529
- 50 bucks.
90
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,537
Less in certain
parts of Florida.
91
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:29,937
- Oh.
92
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:35,075
Yeah, and why do
you shoot arrows?
93
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:38,045
- I don't know,
TSA took my Glock.
94
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:38,812
How about that?
[grumbles]
95
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,516
- Let's talk about
relationships.
96
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:45,085
- Oh, I am an expert on that.
- OK.
97
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,556
So how should a man approach
a woman he's attracted to?
98
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,090
- From the rear.
- No.
99
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,630
- And with the size of
some of the asses these days,
100
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:59,633
that could be considered
a long distance relationship.
101
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,139
- So, Cupid, aren't greeting
cards a good way
102
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,775
of expressing your love
for someone?
103
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:10,243
- Oh, sure, yeah, greeting
cards are good for anybody.
104
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,979
In fact,
I've written a few myself.
105
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,615
- Some greeting cards?
Can you recite a couple for us?
106
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:15,148
- Sure.
107
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:18,118
- Do you have one for
longtime married couples?
108
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,520
- Oh, absolutely. Here we go.
[clears throat]
109
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:24,124
"Our love all these years has
been a blissful occurrence.
110
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,395
I wish you would die so I could
collect the insurance."
111
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,034
- No.
- OK.
112
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,770
How about one
for younger couples?
113
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,439
- Younger couples, great.
- OK.
114
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,908
"Meeting you was amazing luck,
115
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,343
and I think of that most
each time that we--"
116
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:47,147
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
117
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,883
- "Have dinner." What did
you think I was gonna say?
118
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,453
You're a bad man.
119
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,255
- So how is your love life?
120
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:56,524
- Oh, you mean
me as Walter and--
121
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,125
and with the wife?
- Yeah.
122
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,227
- Well, things are different
at our age.
123
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,261
- I'm sure.
- Yeah.
124
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,796
We're actually kinkier now.
125
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,164
- OK, I don't want
to hear about it.
126
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,166
- Yeah, now she offers me
the choice:
127
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,768
teeth in or teeth out.
128
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,677
Trust me, you'll see.
- OK.
129
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,380
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
130
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:21,682
- I didn't say that.
131
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,517
- Do you ever tell your wife
that you love her?
132
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:24,351
- Of course I do.
133
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:25,719
- How often do you tell her?
- Once.
134
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,054
- A day?
- A year.
135
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,624
- Well, that's not very much.
- It adds up.
136
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,327
- I guess you tell her
on Valentine's Day?
137
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,328
- No.
- Mother's Day?
138
00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:36,163
- No.
- Christmas?
139
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:36,997
- April Fools'.
140
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,503
I'm kidding.
- Good.
141
00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:45,138
- Yeah, I tell her
every February 29th.
142
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,177
- Let's talk about romance.
- Oh, great.
143
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,812
- All right.
Just some simple things.
144
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,814
Do you and your wife
ever watch movies together?
145
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:56,383
- Yeah, she wants to
watch our wedding movies.
146
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,885
- That's nice.
- I can't do it.
147
00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,053
- Why not?
- I know what happens next.
148
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,757
- So when you proposed,
did you get down on one knee?
149
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:04,492
- Yeah, I had to.
150
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:05,959
I didn't want to
look her in the eye.
151
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,297
Say, I got a joke-joke for you.
152
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:13,801
What does Disney World
have in common with Viagra?
153
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,735
- I don't know, what?
154
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:17,404
- An hour-long wait
for a two-minute ride.
155
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,448
- You're not gonna start
telling joke-jokes now,
156
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:29,382
are you?
- Oh, sure.
157
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,485
I'll do some wife jokes
and get you canceled.
158
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,653
- Walter--
- Hang on, hang on.
159
00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:35,623
My wife is so ugly.
160
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:38,125
crowd: How ugly is she?
161
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,794
- She sat on her iPhone
and it unlocked.
162
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,498
That's butt ugly.
163
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:45,499
- We got it.
- OK.
164
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,736
Calm down, though,
it's not one sided.
165
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,671
- How's that?
- Every Valentine's Day,
166
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:53,641
she gets me sweetheart candies
with sayings on them.
167
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,842
- Oh, like "be mine"?
168
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:57,010
- No, no.
"Do not resuscitate."
169
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:00,247
I will say, though,
170
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,583
we did go to a marriage
counselor one time.
171
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,584
- You did?
- Oh, yeah.
172
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,418
He said I should
take my wife out
173
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:07,555
and treat her like I did
on our first date.
174
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,122
- Sounds like a good idea.
- Yeah.
175
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,158
So I took her to dinner,
felt her up,
176
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,193
then dropped her off
at her parents' house.
177
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,966
- But despite that kind of
stuff, the love life is OK?
178
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,133
- Yeah, we do our best.
179
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:23,403
We tried role playing with
a little French maid outfit.
180
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:24,838
- Ooh, how'd that go?
181
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,674
- Uh, she said
it was too tight.
182
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,642
- Ah.
- And my accent was bad.
183
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,383
See, I put the maid outfit on.
184
00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:37,150
- They got it.
185
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,453
- And then I had her put it on.
- OK.
186
00:08:40,486 --> 00:08:41,688
- Not because it was sexy.
187
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:42,956
I thought she might...
- Walter.
188
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:43,857
- Finally...
- Walter.
189
00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:44,692
- Do some...
- Walter.
190
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,426
- Fucking housework.
- Walter!
191
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,201
You really are trying
to get me canceled.
192
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,336
- No, I'm trying to get
my fucking house cleaned.
193
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:56,670
- Please!
194
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:57,971
Say good night, Walter.
195
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,774
- Thanks, Tampa Bay!
196
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:01,274
- Thanks, Walter.
197
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,413
[cheers and applause]
198
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,819
- This next guy is
from somewhere down south
199
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:12,452
in the U.S.
200
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,554
Please help me welcome Bubba J.
201
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:17,591
[upbeat rock music]
202
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,760
[cheers and applause]
203
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,428
- [chortles]
204
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,797
- How you doing Bubba J?
- I'm doing purdy good!
205
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,870
- So what's been going on
with you lately?
206
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:33,006
- Well, last week I went to
my best friend's wedding.
207
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,141
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
208
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:37,611
It was a combination wedding
and gender reveal party.
209
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:40,648
- Oh.
- Yeah.
210
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:44,217
He was very happy to find out
that she really was a woman.
211
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:57,030
Yeah, always a nail-biter,
right, guys?
212
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,268
- And how's your family?
- They're all good.
213
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:04,137
- Yeah, and, uh,
what's your wife's name?
214
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:07,274
- Uh...
215
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:08,876
- Bubba J?
216
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,678
- Oh, no, that's my name.
217
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,648
- But she's doing well?
- Yeah, she's great.
218
00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:16,116
- You two have a lot
in common, don't you?
219
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,985
- Yeah, we're made
for each other.
220
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,219
- I bet.
- Yeah, you know,
221
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:22,923
we both got the exact same
results in our DNA tests.
222
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,898
- Bubba J, how can you be
so smart on one hand,
223
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,833
and so stupid on the other?
224
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,301
- Well, you're half of it.
225
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,474
- Well, you know, Bubba J,
during the show tonight
226
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:44,244
we've been talking about
that romantic day in February.
227
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,179
- Yeah, Groundhog Day.
228
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,183
- No, it's a romantic day.
- Romantic?
229
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,086
- Yeah, February 14th is
the day for lovers.
230
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,689
- Oh. [chortles]
Lovers.
231
00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:59,226
You mean the day you watch
the no-no channels?
232
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,463
- The no-no channels?
- Yes.
233
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,867
Like, "no-no, you're not
doing that to me."
234
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,538
- No.
- No, not "no."
235
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,640
It's no-no.
[giggling]
236
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:17,577
- I'm talking about romance.
- So am I.
237
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,147
- Do you and your wife
ever watch
238
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,682
actual sweet romantic movies?
- Like what?
239
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:25,485
- You know, things like
where the guy gets the girl.
240
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,020
- Oh, yeah,
like Freddy Krueger?
241
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:27,587
Oh, yeah, yeah.
242
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,190
- No.
- I don't know.
243
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,492
- Come on, what first
attracted you to your wife?
244
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,561
- Well, she's really hot.
245
00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:35,428
- OK.
- Yeah.
246
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,397
And she's really big.
- Oh.
247
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,000
- Yeah, so it was gravity.
- Yeah--oh.
248
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:45,705
- Yeah, if she spins around too
fast, she'll suck you right in.
249
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,142
- And how's the romance
between you two?
250
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:50,243
- Oh, it's purdy good.
251
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:51,111
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
252
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,947
In fact, one of your little
boys taught me something.
253
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:57,050
- What's that?
254
00:11:57,450 --> 00:12:00,854
- * Boom, chicka, wow, wow *
255
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,659
- So when you proposed,
256
00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:09,196
did you ask her father
for her hand in marriage?
257
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,664
- I sure did.
I called him up and I go,
258
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:14,201
"hey, Uncle Phil,
it's me, Bubba J."
259
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,543
And you know our wedding
was half the cost
260
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,979
of the average wedding.
- How's that?
261
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,547
- Huh! Just one family.
262
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:39,126
Yeah, the whole left side
of the church was empty.
263
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:39,726
- Oh. [chuckles]
264
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,363
You ever go out with your wife
for a romantic evening
265
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:45,198
and whisper sweet nothings
in her ear?
266
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,934
- What's a sweet nothing?
267
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,068
Oh, I know.
268
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,803
[whispering]
Diet Coke.
269
00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,007
- No, sweet nothings are
just flattering things
270
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,143
that you say softly
to someone you love.
271
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,377
- Oh, yeah, like,
272
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,847
[whispering]
"you're as hot as your mother."
273
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,084
Hey, hey!
274
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,419
He thinks this crap up, not me.
275
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:12,692
My wife is beautiful, though.
- That's very sweet.
276
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:14,461
And what makes her beautiful?
277
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,596
- Six beers.
- No.
278
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,000
- OK, less if the light is dim.
279
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:20,433
- All right. [laughs]
280
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:24,004
And how dim should it be
for you to look good to her?
281
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,039
- [chortles]
Total frickin' darkness.
282
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,409
- How's the rest of
your family doing?
283
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,810
- They're good.
- How's your sister?
284
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,045
- She just got married.
285
00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,514
- Oh, really? So she got hit
by Cupid's arrow.
286
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,315
- [chuckles]
No.
287
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,684
Our yard guy needed
citizenship.
288
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:44,691
- That's not right.
289
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,894
- You think they'll leave
that joke in your show?
290
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:47,660
- I--
291
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:49,897
I doubt it.
292
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,731
- Olé!
- All right.
293
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,803
So I know your birthday
is coming up.
294
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,405
You're gonna get a little TLC?
295
00:13:58,906 --> 00:14:01,041
- [chortles]
Jeff, it's spelled KFC.
296
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,878
You should come over
next weekend.
297
00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,413
I'm barbecuing a turkey.
298
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,948
- Oh, you love doing that,
don't you?
299
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,582
- Yeah, and we may or may not
300
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:11,518
have some skinny dipping
going on.
301
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:12,685
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
302
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:14,421
[gurgling]
* Boom, chicka, wow, wow
303
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:15,055
- [chuckles]
What?
304
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,163
Bubba J, where did you learn
to talk like that?
305
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,999
- Oh, you drink as much
as I do, you fucking learn.
306
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:26,533
- All right.
307
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,239
So, Bubba J, how about your
favorite part of the show?
308
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,240
- OK, great.
309
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,275
This is the part
where you get to hear
310
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,811
what I think about stuff
after I've had one too many.
311
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:41,949
Or maybe five, or eight,
or the whole keg.
312
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:42,715
- All right.
- Yeah.
313
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:43,850
- All right.
314
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:49,289
- So welcome to
the Valentine's edition of
315
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:52,825
Bubba J's
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
316
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,795
[pensive piano music]
317
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,631
* *
318
00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:00,500
Oh, I like the music.
319
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,535
- Yeah.
- Yeah, puts me in the mood.
320
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:03,803
- Oh, mood for what?
321
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:07,340
- [gurgling]
* Boom, chicka, wow, wow *
322
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,708
- Just go.
- OK.
323
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,910
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
324
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,846
For Valentine's Day,
my wife said
325
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,848
she wanted her favorite flower.
326
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,884
So I gave her Bisquick.
327
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:26,159
*
328
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,430
The first time someone
wished me "happy VD,"
329
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,765
I thought,
"how the hell did they know?"
330
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:40,640
When a woman says that
I must love her from afar,
331
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,544
what that really means is that
she filed a restraining order.
332
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:49,482
One-night stands
make me feel empty.
333
00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,985
- Yeah.
- Which means it went great.
334
00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:59,326
- I'm sorry.
335
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:06,133
- Guys, never get involved
with a farm animal.
336
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,968
- What?
- I know, I know.
337
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,570
Moo means moo.
338
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,210
When a woman asks you
if you know
339
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:18,878
the quickest way to her heart,
340
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:22,715
don't do what I did and stick
your head between her tatas.
341
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:28,288
That was the worst ever
birthday for Grandma.
342
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,257
[crowd groans]
343
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:31,791
Oh, too far?
344
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,793
Yeah, too far?
345
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:34,727
- Too far.
- Yeah.
346
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:39,399
[gurgling]
347
00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,468
Oh, wait, it's Grandma.
348
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:44,071
[gurgling]
349
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,140
- Say good night, Bubba J.
350
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,809
- Happy Valentines, Tampa!
351
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,412
[cheering]
352
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:58,618
- He's purple, he's wacky.
353
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:02,622
[cheers and applause]
354
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,557
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Peanut!
355
00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:07,527
[upbeat rock music]
356
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:14,101
* *
357
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:16,069
[cheers and applause]
358
00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:18,405
- [laughing]
359
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,272
- How are you doing, Peanut?
- Doing pretty good.
360
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:21,273
How about you?
- I'm fine.
361
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,810
- That's good, that's good,
that's good!
362
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:26,079
[cackles]
363
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,147
Ha-ha!
- Cut it out.
364
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,549
- * I'm a little asshole,
short and stout *
365
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,183
* This is my handle,
I can't show you my spout *
366
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:33,220
[cackles] Ha-ha!
- Stop it!
367
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,689
Peanut!
- Jeff-fa-fa!
368
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,525
- Do you know why we're here?
- I do.
369
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,227
- We've been talking about
Valentine's Day.
370
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,328
- I have been listening,
371
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:42,929
and you have finally come to
the right guy
372
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:44,731
to talk about romance, my man.
373
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,733
- You?
- Yes, me. For example:
374
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:49,202
that is not just a suitcase
you got me out of.
375
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,002
- No?
- No!
376
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,106
That, my friend, is where
I take the ladies.
377
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,711
- What?
- That is the Luggage of Love.
378
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,449
- The luggage?
- Of Love.
379
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,083
And you know it by the music.
380
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:04,984
- The music?
- Yeah.
381
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,421
* Boom, chicka, wow, wow *
382
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,524
- Peanut, no one but you
can fit inside that suitcase.
383
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:13,360
- Oh, you'd be surprised.
384
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,629
- Maybe just and José Jalapeño.
385
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:22,669
[crowd whooping]
386
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:24,404
On a stick.
[chuckles]
387
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,640
- OK, don't be gross.
388
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:30,443
I refuse to allow
a stick in my box.
389
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:39,652
I-I just said that out loud,
didn't I?
390
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,687
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.
391
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,556
Well, I meant it. Both ways.
- All right. [chuckles]
392
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,827
Have you been on
any dates lately?
393
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,962
- Well, I think about it a lot.
394
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,398
- You think about
going on dates?
395
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,399
- Yeah, I do.
396
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,201
I try and figure out
how to make it happen
397
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,102
without you being there too!
398
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:58,938
- Right.
- It's not easy.
399
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,540
I just seem to lay there.
- [chuckles]
400
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:03,610
- It's not funny!
401
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,745
It's like
my own "Toy Story" hell.
402
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,684
And no Woody.
403
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,054
- [laughs]
404
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,123
Wha--
405
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,761
- Maybe a little Buzz.
- All right. [laughs]
406
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,431
- But I'm looking good,
right, ladies?
407
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:27,267
[crowd hollering]
408
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,737
That is Fifty Shades of Purple
right there.
409
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:34,574
* Boom, chicka, wow, wow *
410
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:38,345
- Look, Valentine's Day.
It's the holiday of love.
411
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,447
- It is about love, isn't it?
- Of course.
412
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,016
And who is that extra special
person in your life right now?
413
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:46,486
- Well.
414
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,787
- Is there someone?
415
00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:50,022
- [sniffles]
No.
416
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,591
[crowd groans sympathetically]
417
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,826
[whimpers]
418
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,330
[sympathetic groans, laughter]
419
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:58,931
[high-pitched]
Thank you.
420
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,734
- I'm really sorry.
- I know.
421
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,536
But look at you.
- Yeah.
422
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,705
- And Walter. And Bubba J.
423
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,374
You all have someone.
424
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:09,542
- You know, maybe José
could help you.
425
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,143
- Help me what?
- Find a date.
426
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:13,313
- [laughs]
Wait, you're serious?
427
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,315
- Well, I've heard--
- You've heard what?
428
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:16,816
- He's Latin.
- So?
429
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:19,218
- You know, a Latin lover.
- On a stick?
430
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:21,921
- Why don't we ask him?
- Oh, no.
431
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:23,256
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
432
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,558
José Jalapeño on a Stick.
433
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:29,796
[cheers and applause]
434
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:31,831
Good evening, José.
435
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:34,133
- Buenas noches, Señor Jeff.
436
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,135
And others.
437
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,739
- He's not, uh, happy with me
right now.
438
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,374
- We are not speaking.
439
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,410
- Why not?
- Don't worry about it.
440
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,445
- He ate my cousin Julio.
441
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,584
- You ate his cousin Julio?
442
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:52,952
- Well, how was I supposed
to know?
443
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,854
He was just laying there
next to the dip.
444
00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:58,958
Not saying anything.
I thought he was a popper.
445
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,794
- [laughs]
446
00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:03,663
- I don't want to talk to you.
447
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:08,601
- Oh, OK, I'm--I'm actually...
really sorry, José.
448
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,270
- He died doing
what he loved most.
449
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,506
- What was that?
- Burning your mouth.
450
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,209
- He did do that.
- Right.
451
00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:18,945
- And later your ass.
452
00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:23,115
- I'll let you know.
- OK.
453
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:26,819
So, José, you think you can
help Peanut get a date?
454
00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:28,721
- Sí, I know women.
- You?
455
00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:31,324
I have never seen you
with a woman!
456
00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:33,326
[scoffs] You're in that box
all day long.
457
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,895
- Sí, but many of the times,
I am not alone.
458
00:21:35,928 --> 00:21:38,698
- Oh, come on.
Who gets in there with you?
459
00:21:38,731 --> 00:21:39,866
- Ask your mother.
460
00:21:39,899 --> 00:21:40,600
- Hey!
461
00:21:42,268 --> 00:21:44,704
What the hell?
- [laughs] All right.
462
00:21:44,737 --> 00:21:45,572
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
463
00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:48,007
- I'll deep fry his ass.
- No.
464
00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:49,709
- And his stick.
- Steeck.
465
00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:50,743
- Whatever.
- Calm down.
466
00:21:50,777 --> 00:21:52,311
- He said he was with
my mother!
467
00:21:52,345 --> 00:21:52,979
- I know.
468
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:54,747
- My mother can't fit
in José's box.
469
00:21:54,781 --> 00:21:56,649
- No, but José can fit in
your mother's--
470
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:57,717
- All right!
471
00:22:00,286 --> 00:22:01,588
- What the hell?
472
00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:04,557
- I'm--
[laughs]
473
00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:06,125
- I'm gonna slice him up
and serve him
474
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,160
on our next plate
of frickin' nachos.
475
00:22:09,061 --> 00:22:10,797
- And that's when
I burn your ass.
476
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,264
- You can't!
- Yes, I can.
477
00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:13,700
- I don't have an ass!
478
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,404
It's an elbow.
479
00:22:24,243 --> 00:22:26,112
- That sounds much worse
than a stick.
480
00:22:26,145 --> 00:22:28,415
- All ri--
[laughs]
481
00:22:28,448 --> 00:22:31,083
- I thought this was gonna be
a lot more fun.
482
00:22:31,918 --> 00:22:33,453
- That's what I said
to your mother.
483
00:22:33,486 --> 00:22:34,421
- Hey!
- All right!
484
00:22:34,454 --> 00:22:35,788
Wait--wait a minute.
485
00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:38,725
- I bet your mother
had a steeck.
486
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:40,460
- Not as big as your sister's.
487
00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:43,329
- Oh, will you stop it,
both of you?
488
00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:45,498
Say good night, José.
489
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:48,300
- I am José Jalapeño.
- On a Stick.
490
00:22:48,334 --> 00:22:49,068
- There he is.
- Hey!
491
00:22:50,903 --> 00:22:52,639
- All right.
492
00:22:52,739 --> 00:22:54,674
[cheers and applause]
493
00:22:56,308 --> 00:22:57,810
- All right, look, Peanut,
have you ever tried
494
00:22:57,844 --> 00:22:59,446
online dating?
- Well?
495
00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:00,813
- I thought that maybe
we could help you out
496
00:23:00,847 --> 00:23:02,582
by filling out a profile
on one of those sites
497
00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:04,484
and see how it goes.
- Oh, OK.
498
00:23:04,517 --> 00:23:05,818
- I pulled up the site.
- Yeah.
499
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,219
- And let's enter your profile.
500
00:23:07,253 --> 00:23:08,287
Let's see what happens.
- OK.
501
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,356
- So for example,
OK, uh, name.
502
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,725
- OK, first name, Pea,
last name Nut.
503
00:23:16,596 --> 00:23:18,064
- That's not right.
- There's two blanks.
504
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:18,798
What are you gonna do?
505
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,132
Initial P then last name
[gargles]?
506
00:23:22,435 --> 00:23:23,670
Sound like
you're talking backwards.
507
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:28,307
[mimics talking in reverse]
508
00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:30,309
- Height?
- Six four.
509
00:23:33,179 --> 00:23:34,647
- You're like two four.
510
00:23:34,681 --> 00:23:37,083
- Objects in mirror are
larger than they appear.
511
00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:41,353
- OK, now it's asking
your relationship intent.
512
00:23:41,387 --> 00:23:42,855
Is it long term, short term,
513
00:23:42,889 --> 00:23:45,224
short but open to long term,
not sure.
514
00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:48,561
- Is there a checkbox for
"wham, bam, thank you ma'am"?
515
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,866
- OK, sexual orientation.
516
00:23:54,133 --> 00:23:55,602
- Upside down.
- No.
517
00:23:57,203 --> 00:23:58,037
- Sideways?
- No.
518
00:23:58,070 --> 00:23:59,806
- About face.
- Stop it.
519
00:24:00,172 --> 00:24:00,973
- That's what she said.
- [laughs]
520
00:24:01,974 --> 00:24:03,576
I have no idea
what you're doing!
521
00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:04,677
- She also said that.
- Wh--
522
00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:07,747
what do I enter?
- He said that.
523
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:08,515
- Stop it!
524
00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:13,252
Income?
- What?
525
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:14,420
- Income.
- Outcome?
526
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:16,055
- What?
- Income, outcome. How come?
527
00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:18,925
- Read this, right there.
528
00:24:19,492 --> 00:24:21,327
- Uh, "the amount of money
you make anally."
529
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:22,128
- Annually!
530
00:24:25,364 --> 00:24:26,933
- Oh, that's way different.
531
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:32,572
It's amazing how one little
missing U can rock your world.
532
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,142
And make it difficult to walk.
- [laughs]
533
00:24:41,581 --> 00:24:43,282
OK, we've now gotten to
the part of the show
534
00:24:43,315 --> 00:24:45,217
that I'm not really sure about,
Peanut.
535
00:24:45,251 --> 00:24:47,286
- What's that?
- Well, as the audience knows,
536
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:50,590
before the show started, many
of them were given these cards
537
00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,792
and asked to write you
questions about
538
00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:54,060
love and relationships,
539
00:24:54,093 --> 00:24:55,895
anything to do with Valentines.
- Yep.
540
00:24:55,928 --> 00:24:58,464
- So, uh, where is--
541
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,132
all right,
I can't read the first name.
542
00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:00,900
Is it "Fru--"
543
00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:03,970
Fr--
person: Frank!
544
00:25:04,737 --> 00:25:05,772
- Oh, Frank?
545
00:25:06,105 --> 00:25:07,339
- It looks like "Fruck."
546
00:25:09,676 --> 00:25:10,910
- All right, Frank.
547
00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:13,112
"Dear Peanut,
I got my wife these tickets
548
00:25:13,145 --> 00:25:15,915
for our 10th anniversary.
Is this enough?"
549
00:25:16,716 --> 00:25:20,286
- Let's see, 25th anniversary
is silver, 50th is gold,
550
00:25:20,319 --> 00:25:23,690
and 10th is warm beer
and a puppet show.
551
00:25:23,723 --> 00:25:24,791
Yes, you're a good, Frank.
552
00:25:29,896 --> 00:25:31,063
- John Simmons.
553
00:25:31,330 --> 00:25:33,666
"Dear Peanut, are children
with peanut allergies
554
00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:34,934
allowed to play with you?"
555
00:25:37,604 --> 00:25:39,438
- Oh, ha, ha, ha.
556
00:25:40,506 --> 00:25:43,275
Yes, they are.
Deal with the itch, bitch.
557
00:25:43,309 --> 00:25:44,410
- Oh, that's--
558
00:25:48,648 --> 00:25:49,716
Kate and Sherry.
559
00:25:50,316 --> 00:25:52,318
"Dear Peanut,
what advice would you give
560
00:25:52,351 --> 00:25:54,253
"a married lesbian couple
561
00:25:54,286 --> 00:25:57,423
that's been with each other
for 14 years?"
562
00:25:58,390 --> 00:25:59,592
- Do you know?
- No.
563
00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:00,392
- I don't know either.
564
00:26:00,627 --> 00:26:03,195
Clearly, we don't have
anything you need.
565
00:26:13,439 --> 00:26:14,874
- Where are Dennis and Cathy?
566
00:26:15,642 --> 00:26:16,809
Aw! "Dear Peanut,
567
00:26:16,843 --> 00:26:21,047
"we reconnected at our 56th
class reunion two years ago.
568
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:22,514
Should we get married?"
569
00:26:22,615 --> 00:26:24,784
[crowd shouting approval]
570
00:26:25,618 --> 00:26:26,953
- I guess so.
571
00:26:27,053 --> 00:26:29,021
Are you the last two left?
572
00:26:36,162 --> 00:26:37,930
Happy Valentine's Day.
573
00:26:39,832 --> 00:26:41,167
- Uh, John McLendon.
574
00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:43,569
"Dear Peanut, after 20 plus
years of marriage,
575
00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:45,972
"how can I get my wife to,
you know, want to,
576
00:26:46,005 --> 00:26:48,708
"you know, have, um,
well, you know, sex?
577
00:26:48,741 --> 00:26:50,042
Any thoughts?"
578
00:26:50,743 --> 00:26:52,611
- Well, John,
clearly from this question,
579
00:26:52,645 --> 00:26:54,814
it shows you like to
beat around the bush.
580
00:26:59,819 --> 00:27:01,253
And there's your problem.
581
00:27:01,921 --> 00:27:04,757
- Say good night, Peanut.
582
00:27:04,857 --> 00:27:09,561
[cheers and applause]
583
00:27:11,330 --> 00:27:14,166
- There's a character that has
been in my act for many years,
584
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,434
but for various reasons,
585
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,136
he has now been all but banned
586
00:27:17,169 --> 00:27:19,338
from any new television
programming.
587
00:27:19,438 --> 00:27:23,142
[cheers and applause]
588
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:27,379
And because of all that,
he is not with us here tonight.
589
00:27:27,479 --> 00:27:29,949
[crowd groaning, booing]
590
00:27:30,049 --> 00:27:31,283
However!
591
00:27:31,951 --> 00:27:34,854
It seems that
he has a distant cousin...
592
00:27:36,823 --> 00:27:39,692
a long-lost relative
who apparently is immortal
593
00:27:39,726 --> 00:27:41,160
and Greek and a god.
594
00:27:41,193 --> 00:27:42,829
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
595
00:27:42,862 --> 00:27:44,931
the Greek god, Achimedes.
596
00:27:45,031 --> 00:27:47,934
[upbeat rock music]
597
00:27:48,034 --> 00:27:50,402
* *
598
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:55,241
- [cackling]
599
00:27:55,341 --> 00:28:00,279
[cheers and applause]
600
00:28:00,813 --> 00:28:04,884
Greetings,
mortal human infidels!
601
00:28:04,984 --> 00:28:06,552
[cackles]
602
00:28:08,587 --> 00:28:09,621
It is I!
603
00:28:10,289 --> 00:28:11,023
What's my name?
604
00:28:12,992 --> 00:28:16,495
- Achimedes.
- Achimedes!
605
00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:19,431
I am the ancient Greek god
of keeler love.
606
00:28:21,333 --> 00:28:22,634
- What--what's killer love?
607
00:28:22,668 --> 00:28:24,203
- Not killer, keeler!
608
00:28:24,771 --> 00:28:25,571
- Keeler.
- Yes.
609
00:28:25,604 --> 00:28:27,506
- And where are you from,
Achimedes?
610
00:28:27,639 --> 00:28:28,941
- Uh...
611
00:28:29,208 --> 00:28:31,043
- Mount Olympus.
- Mm--what?
612
00:28:33,079 --> 00:28:34,280
- Yes.
- OK.
613
00:28:34,313 --> 00:28:35,848
Mount the platypus!
614
00:28:37,950 --> 00:28:38,450
- No.
- What?
615
00:28:38,484 --> 00:28:39,786
- Mount Olympus.
616
00:28:39,819 --> 00:28:41,520
- Yes, don't forget the puss.
617
00:28:44,290 --> 00:28:46,793
I am from the mountain
of platypuses!
618
00:28:46,826 --> 00:28:47,259
- No.
619
00:28:48,795 --> 00:28:49,561
- Platy-pussies?
620
00:28:49,595 --> 00:28:50,629
- No, no! No!
621
00:28:54,700 --> 00:28:56,602
- I'm not sure I can say that.
- Just forget it.
622
00:28:56,635 --> 00:28:57,236
- Silence!
623
00:28:59,505 --> 00:29:00,572
I love you.
624
00:29:02,208 --> 00:29:06,913
[laughter and applause]
625
00:29:09,615 --> 00:29:10,682
- Really?
- Yes.
626
00:29:10,716 --> 00:29:12,852
It's "silence! I love you."
627
00:29:15,121 --> 00:29:16,422
- That's different.
- Yes, I know.
628
00:29:16,455 --> 00:29:18,424
I call it keeler love.
629
00:29:18,457 --> 00:29:19,458
- OK.
- Yeah.
630
00:29:19,826 --> 00:29:22,094
- I got it.
- I keel you! With love.
631
00:29:23,796 --> 00:29:25,998
- And what is your job,
Achimedes?
632
00:29:26,032 --> 00:29:27,499
- I am a god.
633
00:29:27,533 --> 00:29:29,902
- I didn't know that
being a god was a job.
634
00:29:29,936 --> 00:29:32,171
- And I didn't know that
talking to dolls was a job,
635
00:29:32,204 --> 00:29:33,472
but here we fricking are.
636
00:29:37,877 --> 00:29:39,245
- So you're not dead?
637
00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:41,013
- No. I am immoral.
638
00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:42,748
- [chuckles]
639
00:29:43,983 --> 00:29:45,684
- What?
- Immortal.
640
00:29:45,717 --> 00:29:48,354
- I-- what? I don't know
that word in English.
641
00:29:49,188 --> 00:29:50,923
- It means you live forever.
642
00:29:51,223 --> 00:29:52,191
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
643
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:54,760
- That's a thing?
- Yeah.
644
00:29:55,127 --> 00:29:57,396
- I love this country so much!
645
00:29:59,198 --> 00:30:00,232
- But you're not dead.
646
00:30:00,266 --> 00:30:02,334
- No, I am not dead.
Do I look dead?
647
00:30:02,368 --> 00:30:03,269
- Well, yes.
- Silence!
648
00:30:05,004 --> 00:30:05,704
I love you.
- [snorts]
649
00:30:08,574 --> 00:30:09,608
- I have to be honest.
650
00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:11,810
That "I love you" thing
just feels wrong to me.
651
00:30:13,045 --> 00:30:14,080
- You're doing great.
- OK.
652
00:30:14,113 --> 00:30:16,849
- If you're a Greek god,
why are you here on Earth?
653
00:30:17,984 --> 00:30:19,085
- I don't know.
654
00:30:19,785 --> 00:30:22,088
We didn't talk about that.
Stick to the script.
655
00:30:23,990 --> 00:30:24,723
- Just--just go with it.
- What?
656
00:30:24,891 --> 00:30:26,325
- Just go with it, ad lib.
657
00:30:26,692 --> 00:30:27,293
- OK.
658
00:30:28,027 --> 00:30:30,429
- So, Achimedes,
why are you here?
659
00:30:30,696 --> 00:30:33,465
- Uh, to play Powerball.
660
00:30:36,468 --> 00:30:38,570
- What?
- Well, you said to ad lib.
661
00:30:38,604 --> 00:30:40,272
The jackpot is huge!
662
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:45,044
And you know us Greek gods,
we love to gamble.
663
00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:47,446
Right?
- I don't know.
664
00:30:47,479 --> 00:30:48,647
- Damn it, just go with it!
665
00:30:50,582 --> 00:30:52,284
Quick,
what's a good gambling game?
666
00:30:52,684 --> 00:30:53,552
- Uh, craps.
667
00:30:53,785 --> 00:30:54,420
- What?
668
00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:57,389
- Craps.
- Are you kidding?
669
00:30:57,423 --> 00:30:58,457
- No.
- That's a game?
670
00:30:58,490 --> 00:31:00,126
- Yeah, it's huge in Vegas.
671
00:31:00,159 --> 00:31:01,493
- Gross, OK.
672
00:31:03,595 --> 00:31:08,200
Yes, my favorite thing to do
in Las Vegas is to take a crap.
673
00:31:08,234 --> 00:31:09,035
- No.
674
00:31:11,437 --> 00:31:12,871
- What?
675
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:13,839
What?
676
00:31:15,674 --> 00:31:17,376
"Give a crap"?
- No, no.
677
00:31:18,177 --> 00:31:19,778
- I don't give a crap.
- No.
678
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:23,249
"To play craps."
- That's worse.
679
00:31:24,650 --> 00:31:27,019
You're like monkeys in a zoo.
What the hell, dude?
680
00:31:29,121 --> 00:31:31,757
Hey, by the way,
did you see my new friend?
681
00:31:31,790 --> 00:31:33,092
- Your new friend?
- No.
682
00:31:33,325 --> 00:31:35,127
Uh, over there in the case.
Get her out.
683
00:31:35,928 --> 00:31:37,029
- Over here?
- Yeah.
684
00:31:37,930 --> 00:31:38,697
- OK.
685
00:31:40,499 --> 00:31:43,169
[crowd whooping]
686
00:31:45,637 --> 00:31:46,672
What--what is this?
687
00:31:46,705 --> 00:31:48,807
- Not what, who.
688
00:31:49,675 --> 00:31:51,978
- Sorry.
- You'll hurt her feelings.
689
00:31:53,212 --> 00:31:54,613
It's my little sheep.
690
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:55,314
- Oh.
691
00:31:56,815 --> 00:31:57,483
A ewe?
692
00:31:57,516 --> 00:31:57,984
- A what?
693
00:31:58,017 --> 00:31:58,484
- A ewe?
694
00:32:00,552 --> 00:32:03,089
- Yes, it's a-me.
Are we a-speaking Italian now?
695
00:32:06,959 --> 00:32:07,759
- No, she's a ewe.
696
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:09,528
- No, she's a-not a-me.
697
00:32:09,561 --> 00:32:10,796
I a-mean she's a her.
698
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,102
- No, she is a ewe.
- She is not a-me.
699
00:32:16,135 --> 00:32:17,536
What is a-wrong with a-you?
700
00:32:18,737 --> 00:32:19,538
- I don't know.
701
00:32:19,571 --> 00:32:20,806
What's wrong with the ewe?
- What?
702
00:32:20,839 --> 00:32:22,208
- You just said there's
something wrong with the ewe.
703
00:32:22,508 --> 00:32:24,076
- No, I didn't.
I'm fine!
704
00:32:24,710 --> 00:32:25,877
- Not you, her.
705
00:32:25,911 --> 00:32:27,546
- You?
What, now me?
706
00:32:27,813 --> 00:32:28,747
What the fuck?
707
00:32:30,082 --> 00:32:31,850
- [breathes deeply]
708
00:32:33,685 --> 00:32:35,454
A female sheep is a ewe.
709
00:32:35,487 --> 00:32:37,356
- No, she's a-not a-me,
710
00:32:37,389 --> 00:32:39,992
and stop a-making a-fun of
the Italianos!
711
00:32:43,262 --> 00:32:44,263
- Can I pet your ewe?
712
00:32:46,098 --> 00:32:48,034
- [screams]
713
00:32:49,268 --> 00:32:50,469
Do not touch me!
714
00:32:51,703 --> 00:32:53,739
- Not you, that ewe.
715
00:32:53,772 --> 00:32:56,275
- What?
- Your ewe has very nice wool.
716
00:32:56,308 --> 00:32:56,975
- What?
717
00:32:58,577 --> 00:33:00,479
And you are a pervert!
718
00:33:03,049 --> 00:33:05,017
- So otherwise, uh, how's it--
719
00:33:05,051 --> 00:33:06,585
how's it going
being a Greek god?
720
00:33:06,618 --> 00:33:07,686
- Actually, it's not too bad.
721
00:33:07,719 --> 00:33:08,487
- Really?
- Yeah.
722
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:10,056
It's so much fun being famous.
723
00:33:10,089 --> 00:33:10,989
- I bet.
- Yeah.
724
00:33:11,023 --> 00:33:12,624
Folks now stop me
on the street.
725
00:33:12,658 --> 00:33:15,361
They asked me for my autograph,
they want to take selfies.
726
00:33:15,394 --> 00:33:16,828
- I would think that
looking like you do,
727
00:33:16,862 --> 00:33:18,030
people would be afraid of you.
728
00:33:18,064 --> 00:33:18,897
- Of course they are.
[chuckles]
729
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:23,335
- Oh, so you're saying
it's good being Achimedes.
730
00:33:23,369 --> 00:33:25,537
- Oh, no, no.
They think I'm Nancy Pelosi.
731
00:33:38,184 --> 00:33:41,420
I mean, look at us!
The resemblance is uncanny.
732
00:33:44,290 --> 00:33:45,023
- Achimedes.
- [screams]
733
00:33:46,792 --> 00:33:48,160
I forgot you were here.
734
00:33:49,728 --> 00:33:51,297
I would like to do
this act solo.
735
00:33:51,330 --> 00:33:53,031
- Really?
- Yes, I do not need you.
736
00:33:53,065 --> 00:33:54,800
- Oh, I think you do,
but you can do what--
737
00:33:56,335 --> 00:34:01,107
[laughter]
738
00:34:05,577 --> 00:34:06,278
- Holy crap.
739
00:34:09,581 --> 00:34:10,382
Did my arm just fall off?
740
00:34:10,416 --> 00:34:14,320
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
741
00:34:14,353 --> 00:34:16,355
- Well, I got to kick it
over into place.
742
00:34:16,922 --> 00:34:18,757
- Ow!
You stepped on my pinkie.
743
00:34:18,790 --> 00:34:21,693
How the hell did I know that?
- I don't know.
744
00:34:21,827 --> 00:34:23,462
I'm gonna have to get down
on one knee.
745
00:34:24,463 --> 00:34:25,664
- [gasps]
This is so sudden.
746
00:34:25,697 --> 00:34:26,264
- No.
747
00:34:31,170 --> 00:34:32,070
- Put it back.
748
00:34:32,204 --> 00:34:33,672
- All right,
just hang on a second.
749
00:34:33,871 --> 00:34:34,773
- Come on.
750
00:34:35,940 --> 00:34:37,876
- I don't know
how this goes in here.
751
00:34:39,710 --> 00:34:41,012
- That's what she said.
752
00:34:46,485 --> 00:34:47,186
- All right. OK.
753
00:34:47,219 --> 00:34:48,887
So I think the next thing--
754
00:35:02,201 --> 00:35:03,869
- Son of a bitch,
don't drop me.
755
00:35:03,902 --> 00:35:05,003
- I'm trying not to.
756
00:35:05,404 --> 00:35:07,473
- Put 'em back!
- I'm--I'm working on it.
757
00:35:07,506 --> 00:35:08,674
Here, let's put these here.
758
00:35:08,774 --> 00:35:13,379
- [screams]
759
00:35:13,745 --> 00:35:17,283
That does not go there!
- Stop.
760
00:35:17,716 --> 00:35:20,986
- What the hell, dude?
761
00:35:21,086 --> 00:35:23,389
Look like I had
a five-fingered wiener.
762
00:35:26,024 --> 00:35:27,426
I don't have that.
- No.
763
00:35:28,894 --> 00:35:32,898
- But if I did, my underwear
would fit like a glove.
764
00:35:35,801 --> 00:35:37,102
- [chuckles]
765
00:35:38,337 --> 00:35:40,872
- Put it back!
- [laughs] I'm working on it.
766
00:35:42,374 --> 00:35:44,142
- And fix my feet, asshole.
- OK.
767
00:35:45,544 --> 00:35:46,778
All right, there.
All right, there's good.
768
00:35:46,812 --> 00:35:47,713
All right, here we go.
769
00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:51,149
- Son of a bitch!
770
00:35:52,351 --> 00:35:53,819
What am I, a fucking clock?
771
00:35:57,055 --> 00:35:58,790
I don't know if I'm coming
or going.
772
00:36:00,091 --> 00:36:01,059
- OK, just sit still.
773
00:36:01,092 --> 00:36:02,494
- Take your hand off my wiener.
774
00:36:13,405 --> 00:36:13,905
What?
775
00:36:19,345 --> 00:36:20,779
- You--you don't have a--
776
00:36:20,812 --> 00:36:22,214
- I know, I know, I know.
777
00:36:23,782 --> 00:36:25,417
It's not there.
- OK.
778
00:36:26,918 --> 00:36:28,987
- I lost it in an explos...
[grunting]
779
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:33,024
...sive game of poker.
780
00:36:33,124 --> 00:36:36,295
- [chuckles softly] You--
781
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:41,367
you lost--
- My wiener in a poker game.
782
00:36:44,536 --> 00:36:46,137
You should have seen
the other guy.
783
00:36:49,841 --> 00:36:52,010
- So I was talking about
Valentine's Day earlier.
784
00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:54,045
Do you do anything special
on Valentine's Day?
785
00:36:54,079 --> 00:36:56,682
- I have a romantic dinner
with my wives.
786
00:36:56,715 --> 00:36:58,617
- Oh, Greek gods have wives.
787
00:36:58,650 --> 00:37:00,185
- Yes, wives and virgins.
788
00:37:00,286 --> 00:37:01,620
- Mm.
What's the difference?
789
00:37:04,756 --> 00:37:07,092
- I call it "graduation."
790
00:37:09,194 --> 00:37:12,364
- But don't you have one
particular favorite sweetheart?
791
00:37:12,398 --> 00:37:14,032
- Well, it's not easy to say.
792
00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:16,067
- The one you like spending
the most time with.
793
00:37:16,435 --> 00:37:17,503
- [gasps]
Oh, yes, of course.
794
00:37:17,536 --> 00:37:19,871
She's the greatest of all time.
795
00:37:19,905 --> 00:37:22,374
- Ah, the greatest of all time.
She's the G.O.A.T.
796
00:37:30,349 --> 00:37:36,087
- [bleating] Yes.
797
00:37:37,323 --> 00:37:38,424
- But, Achimedes, are there
798
00:37:38,457 --> 00:37:40,726
any actual people
that you like?
799
00:37:41,327 --> 00:37:42,060
- Well...
800
00:37:43,228 --> 00:37:44,162
I like you.
801
00:37:45,964 --> 00:37:47,333
- Me?
- Yeah.
802
00:37:48,233 --> 00:37:50,001
I think you are my best friend.
803
00:37:51,737 --> 00:37:52,738
- Well, thank you.
804
00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:55,173
- And isn't Valentine's Day
when you say that?
805
00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:56,908
- Well, you can say that
at any time but
806
00:37:56,942 --> 00:37:59,678
yeah, friends can be recognized
on Valentine's Day too.
807
00:37:59,711 --> 00:38:01,112
- OK. And I--
808
00:38:01,647 --> 00:38:04,916
I kinda need you.
- Well, thank you.
809
00:38:04,950 --> 00:38:07,519
- I mean, 'cause otherwise
I might fall off of this thing.
810
00:38:09,254 --> 00:38:11,256
- Right.
- But it's more than that.
811
00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:12,190
- Thank you.
812
00:38:12,223 --> 00:38:13,625
And I feel the same way.
813
00:38:14,660 --> 00:38:15,126
- [softly] Thanks.
814
00:38:19,965 --> 00:38:23,469
* I can't live
815
00:38:23,569 --> 00:38:26,605
* If living is without you *
816
00:38:26,705 --> 00:38:29,307
* I can't live *
817
00:38:29,408 --> 00:38:34,212
* I can't give any more *
818
00:38:34,245 --> 00:38:34,746
- [chuckles]
819
00:38:35,847 --> 00:38:37,048
- What are you laughing at?
820
00:38:37,816 --> 00:38:40,652
- Well, sometimes I ad lib
myself into a corner,
821
00:38:40,686 --> 00:38:42,320
and don't quite know
how to get out of it.
822
00:38:46,558 --> 00:38:48,560
So.
823
00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:51,563
- Yeah, it's a little awkward.
824
00:38:51,763 --> 00:38:52,598
- Little bit.
- Yeah.
825
00:38:54,099 --> 00:38:55,300
- Uh, what was that song?
- What?
826
00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:57,268
- What was the name
of that song?
827
00:38:57,302 --> 00:38:57,969
- I don't--wait.
828
00:38:58,937 --> 00:39:01,239
How the hell do I know
the lyrics to the song
829
00:39:01,272 --> 00:39:02,541
and you don't know the name?
830
00:39:04,743 --> 00:39:07,813
- I don't know. I--I--
I know it's from the '70s.
831
00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:09,681
- Well, thank you, Casey Kasem.
832
00:39:12,751 --> 00:39:14,285
What are you doing?
- What's the name of that song?
833
00:39:14,319 --> 00:39:18,089
I got to--
834
00:39:18,123 --> 00:39:19,591
I was right,
it was Harry Nilsson.
835
00:39:19,925 --> 00:39:21,627
Uh, yeah, it was "Without You."
836
00:39:21,660 --> 00:39:23,462
- What are you doing?
- I just--I don't know.
837
00:39:25,664 --> 00:39:27,799
Play "Without You"
by Harry Nilsson.
838
00:39:27,833 --> 00:39:30,235
- You don't have the signal.
That is never going to--
839
00:39:30,268 --> 00:39:33,605
oh, you got--
[song playing]
840
00:39:35,541 --> 00:39:38,276
*
841
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:42,414
- * No, I can't forget
this evening *
842
00:39:42,514 --> 00:39:46,184
* Or your face
as you were leaving *
843
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:46,752
* But I guess that's just--
844
00:39:47,185 --> 00:39:48,286
- Oh, look,
the phones are coming out.
845
00:39:48,319 --> 00:39:50,889
It's going to be like
a rock concert!
846
00:39:50,989 --> 00:39:54,025
- * You always smile,
but in your eyes *
847
00:39:54,259 --> 00:39:56,394
- Look at that!
- * Your sorrow shows *
848
00:39:56,428 --> 00:39:57,362
- You can do that, that's--
[laughs]
849
00:39:57,395 --> 00:39:57,929
- * No, I can't forget
tomorrow *
850
00:39:58,363 --> 00:39:58,396
* When I think of
all my sorrows *
851
00:39:59,465 --> 00:40:00,331
* When I had you there
but then I let you go *
852
00:40:00,331 --> 00:40:14,179
- I love this.
I think I'm going to cry!
853
00:40:14,279 --> 00:40:18,917
- * And now it's only fair
that I should let you know *
854
00:40:19,384 --> 00:40:21,820
- OK, we're going to have to
sing the chorus.
855
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:25,023
Are you ready?
Here it goes, everybody!
856
00:40:27,392 --> 00:40:31,329
- * Oh
857
00:40:42,307 --> 00:40:44,810
[all singing]
* I can't live
858
00:40:44,843 --> 00:40:48,146
* If living is without you
859
00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:51,717
* I can't live
860
00:40:51,750 --> 00:40:55,286
* I can't give any more
861
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:58,590
* I can't live
862
00:40:58,624 --> 00:40:59,124
* If living is without you
863
00:40:59,157 --> 00:40:59,658
* I can't give
864
00:40:59,858 --> 00:41:00,158
* I can't give any more *
865
00:41:00,892 --> 00:41:02,360
- Ah, that was fantastic!
[cheers and applause]
866
00:41:05,196 --> 00:41:05,964
Say good night, Achimedes.
867
00:41:05,997 --> 00:41:08,534
- Thanks, Tampa Bay.
I love you!
868
00:41:11,837 --> 00:41:14,740
[upbeat rock music]
869
00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:21,279
* *
870
00:41:21,379 --> 00:41:22,748
- You guys have been
an awesome audience.
871
00:41:22,848 --> 00:41:24,215
Thanks for coming out.
872
00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:26,217
Happy Valentines Day,
everybody.
873
00:41:26,818 --> 00:41:29,721
[upbeat rock music]
874
00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:36,862
* *
875
00:41:47,873 --> 00:41:49,741
[beeping]
876
00:41:53,879 --> 00:41:54,245
- * MTV
61791
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