Original subtitles

JEFF DU N HAM : l can't believe the show starts in half an hoUr

and Achmed's Iate.

Maybe he drowned trying

to visit Bin Laden's grave.

(IaUghing)

Security.

That's my name.

Don't wear it out.

BUbba J?

Yeah. Well, gotta go. Beer break.

Wait. Achmed's Iate. Keep an eye oUt for him.

Which eye?

Where could he be?

He went from dead terrorist

to Hollywood diva.

I'm telling you,

the fame went to his skull.

Achmed? no way.

(engine revving)

(evil IaUghter)

(cackling)

HUh?

(growls)

(bleating)

Ah.

(engine revving)

(evil IaUghter)

Achmed's here.

I'II go park his car, since there's

no law against drUnk parking.

Thanks, Bubba J. Good job.

(IoUd belch)

(belching continues)

Whoa. Is that a hybrid?

It's the AchmedMobile, you idiot.

JUst be carefUI parking it or I keel yoU.

Didn't hUrt.

And whatever you do,

don't touch the red button.

Got it. Touch the red bUtton.

Yes.

-(alarm blaring) -(gasps)

ANNOUnCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,

Jeff DUnham!

(cheering and applaUse)

Thank you.

Thank you so mUch.

(cheering continUes)

Thank you very mUch.

Thank you very, very mUch.

-(cheering continues) -Thank yoU very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's absolutely great to be here

in Iovely Richmond, Virginia.

(cheering)

And, you know, we--

I've been doing this show all over the coUntry,

jUst having a blast here, there and everywhere.

The fans are great.

BUt we've also been taking my show around the world.

We've been doing shows in SoUth Africa, AUstralia,

three tours of EUrope and the U.K.

Now they're talking about taking me to China.

-Wha-What? -(laughter)

How am I going to do my show in China?

All I know is, if I do do my show in China,

there's a big chUnk of my act I'm going to have to Ieave oUt.

(IaUghter)

You'II recognize it when I do it here this evening.

(IaUghter)

BUt it is interesting going to some of these foreign countries

and doing press interviews, because some of the reporters

have done their homework and care,

others jUst don't.

For example, l was in London talking to a guy

and he was Iike,

(British accent): "AII right, so ventrilopUism--

Have you eliminated every other possibility of employment?"

And I have to go, "No, this is what I've done my entire life."

I've never wanted to do anything else.

I started very yoUng.

I was eight years old, I was in the third grade,

Christmas, 1 070.

Got my first dUmmy.

There's Mom and Dad and me Under the tree right there.

You can see how proud my father is.

(IaUghter)

BUt for years I'd Iook at that pictUre

and l'd think, why does he have that expression on his face?

And then if finally hit me, dUh, look where the dUmmy's hand is.

-So. .. -(laughter)

Yeah, that's creepy.

So l started doing shows very early.

All the way throUgh elementary school, jUnior high,

high school, college.

And this is what I wanted to do.

This was the fUture l saw.

I saw it.

There were a few people that didn't see it.

For example, girlfriends.

They'd realize I was sincere

about wanting to talk to dummies the rest of my Iife

and they would dUmp me immediately.

I coUIdn't see what they saw Until a few months ago.

I was sitting down with my three daUghters,

and we were looking at the yearbooks

from my junior high and high school years.

My daughters were horrified.

Why? Let me explain.

I started getting paid for doing my shows in the seventh grade.

And I knew that if I was going to be

a professional ventrilopuist, I needed a professional photo.

Now my parents were supportive,

but they weren't going to shell oUt the cash for that.

So l thought, how am I going to get a professional pictUre

of me and the dummy taken?

And then it finally hit me-- school picture day.

(IaUghter)

(applause)

(IaUghter and applaUse bUilds)

BUt I thoUght this was geniUs.

All I had to do was show Up at school

with the dummy in a sUitcase, stand in line

and when it was my turn,

I'd sit down, put the dummy on my knee,

smile, click, professional photo.

And that's what l did,

every year from the seventh grade through the 1 ?th grade.

The only troUble was,

they'd only take one photo,

and that's what ended Up in every yearbook.

And that's why my daughters were horrified .

It was boy, girl, girl, boy, boy with doll, girl...

(IaUghter)

Don't believe me?

There's seventh grade right there. There it is.

(cheering and applaUse)

I'm the one on the right.

Look at that.

That is JUstin Bieber hair, damn it.

(cheering)

So ninth grade came along and I decided to do the same thing.

This was the bicentennial year in oUr country-- 1 076.

I was a patriotic Iad,

but I didn't want to dress like Uncle Sam.

No, apparently l wanted to dress Iike

a FoUrth of July picnic table cover.

(IaUghter)

(applause and cheering)

You know, the fUnniest thing to me

about that photo is the fact that l have braces.

Why is that fUnny? Well, the rest of my life

I'm going to be talking with my moUth shut,

so what's the point?

(IaUghter)

I know most of yoU look at these photos and think,

this is the saddest hUman being we've ever met.

Did he have any friends?

Yes, I did.

Here we are sitting in my bedroom one day.

So now I had aboUt 1 5 minUtes in my show.

I knew I wanted to add something else-- some variety.

I thought, mUsic? Yes. Something cool.

Rock and roll gUitar?

No, something cooler. I'II play the trombone.

(IaUghter)

I'm going to let--

I'm going to let this photo soak in just for a minute.

(applause)

There is so much wrong here, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's start with the least obvious,

and that's my dUmmy Up in the corner

listening to me play the trombone, but...

Now Iet's talk about fashion, shall we?

(IaUghter)

How did my mother even Iet me out of the hoUse?

And this wasn't some accident on a SatUrday morning

where l accidentally threw on the wrong clothes.

This was an oUtfit I wore to school regUIarly.

I don't know why I didn't get beat Up on a regUIar basis.

I must have gone to the store and said,

"Do yoU have any pants that don't even go with themselves?"

(IaUghter)

This next photo,

you know, my parents were supportive,

but every once in a while

in a child's life the parents must step in

and say enough is enough.

Apparently my parents did not do this,

as is evidenced by this next photo.

And by the way, there is--

None of these photos have been photoshopped.

Everything is legit.

Everything's real.

I promise you.

So, that's how sad it is.

BUt this next photograph--

I don't remember how it happened.

All I know is that we went to the professional portrait stUdio

and this was the family portrait that hUng in our Iiving room

this big, for years.

(IaUghter)

(cheering and applaUse)

(whistling, cheering, applause)

You know maybe.. . (IaUghing)

And the weird part is my parents had family and friends over

for parties a lot.

And this was hanging right there in plain view.

No one ever said anything.

They mUst have thought, "Well, the food's good.

Let's go to the mentally ill people's hoUse."

All right, so that's-- that's high school.

High school-- and time to pick up chicks.

(IaUghter)

(wolf whistle)

It was the Iate '?0s. Disco was king.

I had my silk shirt, my dUmmy

and my porn mUstache.

Now this-this next photo l foUnd in a box jUst recently.

You know, and some photos jUst go withoUt explanation.

I don't remember what this was.

I don't remember what was going on.

I don't know.. . l don't know.

(prolonged laughter)

(aUdience whistling)

Let's examine this, shall we?

I'm standing in my parents' front yard.

On the hood of this vehicle

is the largest stuffed animal known to man.

I don't know how I got it home, I don't know why it was there,

I don't know what the hell it is.

Also on the hood of the vehicle is R2-D2.

(IaUghter)

My dUmmy is dressed up Iike a bad LUke Skywalker knockoff...

and l'm wearing a frickin' Hawaiian shirt.

It's Iike Tom Selleck jUmped

out of the closet and went, "GUess what!"

And now it's time to move on to college

and the intellectual years.

I don't even, I don't even know why.

You know, the photographer shoUId have

jUst fallen over IaUghing. I don't...

I Iooked like Sherlock Holmes with a dummy.

I don't know what that is.

So l graduated from college.

I was living in central Texas, and l was still doing my shows,

but I knew I was not yet ready to move oUt to Los Angeles

to seek fame and fortune,

so I kept doing shows, as many as I could.

BUt I also had an UnUsUal hobby.

I became a Iicensed helicopter pilot.

BUt I bUilt and was flying

my own fUII-size, real two-seat helicopter.

Now, you woUId think

that someone who was smart enough to bUild and fly

their own helicopter could maybe pick out

a decent pair of shorts.

(IaUghter)

Thank you. (laughs)

All I know is, thank God , the corn was high enoUgh

that nobody on the freeway could see me.

That's all I can say.

My daughters have been horrified by these pictures.

They decided to help me out.

They are Kenna, Ashlyn and Bree.

They are 1 3, 1 5 and 1 0 years of age.

They're the Iight of my Iife.

They decided to help me out with my clothes.

BUt they decided to dress both me and Peanut,

and here's what they chose.

(IaUghter)

(cheering and whistling)

Now, as you can tell by these photos, uh, the dUmmies

have been with me for a very long time.

You can also tell I had a very poor fashion sense.

I will take most of the blame for that.

There is, however, one other person that needs

to take some of that blame, and that person is my mother.

And I'll prove to you that this is her faUIt,

because she did this Christmas what she does every Christmas

and has for decades.

My parents are in their 60s now,

and every year what my mother does is, she goes

to a very nice department store,

and she picks out a Christmas present for me and my father.

She picks out the nicest shirt that she can find.

And she buys two.

Here's what she chose this past year.

(IaUghter)

You know, I love my parents very much,

and they have been married for 56 years now.

(aUdience cheering)

And they are a pertect example of how a marriage can work.

On the other hand , I've recently gone throUgh something

that l never thoUght I'd go through, never considered it,

never even thoUght it a possibility.

I'm recently divorced.

I'm a single father now,

but I always try and Iook for the silver lining

in the dark cloUds, and one of the silver Iinings

about getting divorced is that I got to pick oUt my own hoUse

because someone else has the other hoUse now.

As for my act, there's an old guy,

who Iong before I got married, warned me of the institution.

And now I gUess he can say, "I told yoU so."

Ladies and gentlemen,

please help me welcome my old friend Walter.

(aUdience cheering)

Holy crap, will yoU shut the hell up?!

(Jeff chUckles)

You, too.

Are yoU all right?

-No! -What's wrong?

I'm pissed.

-Why? -I have no idea.

Well, have yoU ever thoUght aboUt being happy?

-Yeah. -What happened?

It pissed me off.

What would happen if yoU were happy?

Your show would sUck.

(IaUghter)

You know, Walter, jUst once

I think yoU shoUId try being happy.

-YoU're an idiot. -(chUckles)

See? What the hell is wrong with yoU?

When I call you an idiot, and you smile,

like I gave you cake.

Do yoU want to be in a good mood?

Not if I'd Iook like a moron like you, no, thank you.

I've seen you walk by pertect strangers

and go, "Oh, hello. How are yoU?

Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

So?

That makes mothers hide their children from you.

You don't think l should be nice to strangers?

You know, even dogs sniff (bleep) first.

(howling with IaUghter)

Maybe you shoUId try that.

I don't think so.

Actually, there are those little idiot dogs,

who when they see anyone, they jump all aroUnd

and then pee on themselves.

You ever felt like doing that?

That's not gonna happen.

Well, yoU might not jUmp all around,

but when you get my age, you'Il (bleep) on yourself.

Well, I'm jUst happy to be here tonight.

Where the hell are we?

Richmond , Virginia.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

(aUdience cheering wildly)

(prolonged applaUse and cheering)

JEFF: See?

Uh, just, Uh, one pUestion:

Why are we here?

It's a great part of the country.

Not in the winter. Holy crap.

I don't know. I hate being cold.

I even got cold in Vegas last week.

Oh, Vegas, yeah. You took your wife there.

-Oh, yeah. -YoU know, Vegas has become

a great vacation spot for families.

Oh, yeah, sUre, yeah.

That makes sense. Take the family to Vegas.

Yeah.

'Cause kids love whores.

(IaUghter)

"Look, Mommy, there's a place with poles

like where you Used to work."

(IaUghter)

So, Walter, you been doing anything fUn

since we got here?

Uh, yeah. What did l do today?

-I did something fun. -What?

I signed Up Achmed to be an organ donor.

Oh, that's funny as hell right there.

I'm getting sick of that guy.

-I think all this fame is going to his head. -Why?

He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.

-Like what? -He's been dating a goat half his age.

Oh, yeah, an actUal goat.

He even got her fake teats.

Oh, yeah, all six of 'em .

Walter, a goat only has two. (chuckles)

How sick is it that yoU actUally know that?

What, are you so Ionely now,

you're checking out barnyard animals?

You know, they're called "petting zoos,"

not "heavy petting zoos."

Come on. What's her name?

-(bleating): Ma-a-argaret. -Will yoU ...?!

(IaUghter)

Can we change the subject?

SUr-ur-Ure.

I'II change the sUbject, all right.

I heard yoU talking about something

you hadn't really discUssed onstage yet.

-Right. -Okay.

So you're talking about the divorce now.

-Yeah. -Okay.

So can we talk about it?

I already did.

I didn't.

How weird is it that I can make him feel Uncomfortable onstage?

So that's it, huh?

That's what?

All those years of being married,

and now it's over.

Yeah.

So, all those years of raising the girls,

and now the family's broken Up.

Right.

-So, no more marriage? -nope.

-No more wife. -no.

What's it like?!

(IoUd, uncontrollable laughter)

Oh, please let me Iive vicarioUsly throUgh yoU!

(IaUghter)

Walter, divorce is not a good thing.

Oh, you can't Iie to me, (bleep).

So what happened?

What happened, Walter, is that, unfortUnately,

in oUr country these days,

more than 50o!o of marriages now end in divorce,

and sadly, mine was on that side of things.

(voice breaking): You know, Jeff, I never thought

I'd say this to yoU , but yoU're my hero!

Come on. What's it like

to wake Up in the morning and not hate yoUr Iife?

To not think, "Uh-oh, here she comes!"

Ugh!

You can leave your toilet seat up all the time!

I'd hot-glUe mine open, for God's sakes...

and then (bleep) in the backyard.

JUst because I coUId.

Walter, divorce is painfUl.

Oh, yeah, like a deep-tissUe massage.

(screams)

(sighs contentedly)

So how Iong's it been?

Almost three years now.

Oh, okay. So, you dating anybody now?

Matter of fact, I am.

Oh, good. Female?

Well, yoU never know.

Sometimes that's the problem .

"Honey, I got bad news and l got good news.

"Bad news is, I want a divorce.

Good news is, I'm on yoUr team now!"

(aUdience laughs)

Come on, let's knit, (bleep).

So this girl yoU're dating, is she the same age as you?

-No. -Oh. So she's older.

-No. -(gasps) Younger.

-Yes. -How much yoUnger?

-It doesn't matter. -Yes, it does.

Come on. Does she have nice (bleep)?

That don't hang down past her knees?

♪ Do your (bleep) hang Iow, do they wobble to and fro? ♪

(aUdience laughs, whistles)

♪ Can yoU tie 'em in a knot? ♪

♪ Can yoU tie 'em in a bow? ♪

♪ Can yoU throw 'em o'er yoUr shoulder ♪

♪ Like a Continental soldier? ♪

-♪ Do yoUr (bleep)... ♪ -AII right!

Where do you hear a song Iike that?

I didn't hear it, I wrote it, (bleep).

Bet you never sung it to your wife.

Every morning!

(wheezing laugh)

That's not fUnny.

Oh, even the dog laughs at that.

(imitates dog howling)

(imitates dog whining)

-That last part was me. -I know.

Walter, you make fUn of your wife a lot.

I know. lt's funny as hell, isn't it?

You know, yoUr wife is sUpposed to be yoUr soUI mate.

You want to be the pot or the kettle?

(sighs)

You know, I saw an old photo of you and yoUr wife.

Your wife's puite beautiful.

You saw an old photo.

Yeah, I'm kidding, l know.

I married a petite, young, beautiful thing.

-Yeah. -She was eventUally eaten

by the woman I live with now.

Hey, hey, hey!

You're jUst flat-oUt saying your wife's overweight.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

She's Under-tall.

Have you ever had a weight problem?

-Only when she sat on me. -Will yoU ...?

Ah!

Get off of me!

Actually, it's more Iike this:

(imitating an echo) Hello? . ..o...o.. .o...

It's dark in here! . . .here. . .ere. ..ere...

I foUnd yoUr keys! . . .keys. ..keys. ..keys...

I am not kidding.

Then she farted and Unlocked the car doors.

What does your wife think when yoU do things like this?

I don't care.

Well, I know you care enough about your wife

-to take her on some of these trips. -Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she Ioves going on these trips.

I know she loves window shopping.

Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.

(cackles)

Ha! Because in Amsterdam,

there's hookers in the windows!

I Iove that city. Did yoU know that in Amsterdam,

you can legally purchase marijuana?

I , uh.. . yeah...

I did know that.

-Do you know where? -CoffeehoUses.

Coffeehouses!

It's my favorite coffee place ever!

I'd Iike a Iatte and a doobie.

And 1 0 dozen donuts, thank yoU.

(IaUghter)

(applause)

I know yoU liked Australia.

Oh, I learned a new word in Australia.

Crickey!

It means, "Oh, (bleep)!"

You know, Walter, I happen to know the word "crickey"

is actually derived from the word "Christ."

Oh.

So it means "holy (bleep)."

Am I going to hell?

-Probably. -Hell.

Well, tomorrow we are driving through West Virginia,

so what the hell?

(aUdience roars with laughter)

Why did you do that?

I don't care, I'm going home in a suitcase.

(IaUghs)

Did yoU tell 'em about our shows in SoUth Africa?

-Yes, I did . -Yeah.

-How many shows did we do there? -nine.

How many folks were in the audiences?

Each aUdience? About five or six thousand people.

-That's what threw me off. -The nUmber of people?

-No, the people that were in the audiences. -What?

Well, everybody in the aUdience in South Africa,

they were all, you know, uh.. . white.

-So? -What do you mean, so?

We were in Africa, yoU moron.

Haven't yoU ever Iooked at National Geographic?

I thought everybody there was, Uh, yoU know.. . the opposite.

And then I'd look oUt in the crowd and I'd think,

"Well, where the hell are all the flies?"

Oh! Like yoU haven't seen the same commercials l have!

Everybody Iooked healthy!

I'm sitting there thinking,

well, that "We Are the World" thing really worked out!

You're welcome!

Hell, the way our economy is here now,

they shoUId be sending us back some of that money.

Okay, Walter, uh, a couple of things.

First of all, the area of South Africa we were in,

yes, the population was predominately white.

Oh, dUh.

And as for the extreme poverty, yes, there's a Iot of that

in many areas in SoUth Africa, as well as many other nations

in Africa: it's a very sad thing.

Uh, there's aid being sent every day...

Will you calm down? What are you, Bono, now?

I'm jUst saying, it's a great concern, it's very sad,

it's being taken care of, they're being helped.

Okay, okay, okay.

The hoUsing is awful...

Ooh, can we talk about the hoUsing?

-No. -Okay, Iisten up.

Wait a minute.

-In the poorest areas. . . -We, we went there.

Yeah, we visited them. I'm not making any jokes,

I'm jUst passing on information.

In the poorest areas, their hoUses-- I'm not kidding--

Were all built oUt of poo.

Cow dUng.

(bleep)

Aw, come on, their hoUses are bUilt oUt of (bleep)!

Who the hell made that decision?

Couple of gUys sitting aroUnd one day, Mtoomba and Chuck.

"ChUck"?

I don't know any African names, do you?

So Mtoomba and Chuck are sitting there one day,

and Mtoomba says, "Hey, Chuck, we're going to build a house."

'Course they weren't talking in English,

-it was some African language. -Sure.

Yeah. Probably one of those where they click and stUff.

(clicking tongue)

(hissing, clicking)

-That was Mtoomba. -Oh.

What did he say?

"Hey, ChUck, we're gonna bUild a house!"

(clicking)

-Was that Chuck? -Yeah.

All right. What did he say?

"Okeydokey."

And then he said, "What the hell

we gonna build 'em oUt of?"

And the other said, "I don't know.

Well, do we have any materials jUst laying aroUnd?"

"Hmm...

(gasps) We can use (bleep)!"

(IaUghter)

So that's what they decided to do.

BUt that's not the weird part.

What's the weird part?

All the women said, "Okay."

Oh, come on. They built their hoUses out of poo.

It's Iike the foUrth little pig that no one talks aboUt.

"This little pig built his hoUse oUt of bricks,

"this one oUt of sticks, and this one out of straw,

but the foUrth little pig built his house out of poo-poo!"

Yeah. Disney never told yoU about him.

"And the Big Bad Wolf said, I'II huff and l'II pUff

and l'II.. . Oh, my God!"

"I got (bleep) in my nose!"

(IaUghter)

"What is this, a caca casa?

"Some kind of crap cottage?

"No, it's a poo palace!

"It's a doo-doo dwelling!

It's a fart fort, I tell ya."

And she lives in a (bleep) shack.

(aUdience cheering, applaUding)

You wake Up in the middle of the night and go,

(sniffs) "What's that smell?

Oh, it's the wall."

Before you go inside, do yoU have to take off yoUr shoes?

When yoU drop food, is there a three-second rUIe?

I don't...

It's raining! RUn!

Not long after that, we went a Iittle bit north,

-and went into Europe and the UK. You enjoyed it there. -Yeah.

Did yoU Iike the city of London?

I don't know, I got confused one day

-standing in oUr hotel Iobby. -Why?

Some big old black gUy walked in to me

and started speaking English with a British accent.

I thought I was in the Twilight Zone.

I swear, some big old black guy walks up to me and goes,

(posh British accent): "Oh, good afternoon, sir!"

I'm like, who the hell is making yoU talk?

What the hell?

And then I didn't know what to call him.

He wasn't an African American.

Yeah, didn't think of that, did yoU?

What is he, African English?

Why can't we just go back to Using the word "black,"

it was so much easier!

I have a black dog, not an African retriever!

(IaUghter)

Then we went to Ireland .

-I got all confUsed there. -Why?

Everybody's Iast name starts with "O."

O'Malley, O'Shea.

-I think I know a black lrish gUy. -Who's that?

O'Bama.

(IaUghter)

I don't think Obama's Irish.

Maybe he's half-lrish, half-African American.

I can't wait to meet him.

I'm going to walk up and go,

"Hey, top of the morning to you there, dawg."

(IaUghter)

"How's your health care hangin', yo-yo?"

"Hey, that last election was a bee-yotch."

-Say good night, Walter. -Thank yoU.

That's Walter. There we go.

(cheering and applaUse)

(whistling, cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Well, Iadies and gentlemen,

there is a terrorist amongst us.

(cheering and whistling)

And I don't know how it's gotten to the point

that l can actUally give this introdUction, but here it is.

Please help me welcome

the most beloved terrorist throughoUt the world--

Achmed the dead terrorist.

(cheering and applaUse)

(evil IaUghter)

Greetings, infidels!

(cheering and whistling)

It's good to see yoU, Achmed.

Ooh, it's good to see yoU, too, infidel number one.

So you know where we are?

Yes, SoUth Africa.

(IaUghter)

No?

BUt Walter said if they're all white, it's South Africa.

(IaUghter)

No. We're-we're back in the United States.

(gasps)

Are they pissed?

AboUt what in particular?

Well, yoU know, I kind of look Iike, Uh...

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, a cabdriver.

(IaUghter)

No, I think you're fine.

And for the folks who might not know, Achmed,

you are a suicide bomber.

Yes, I am.

Don't stand too close.

(evil IaUghter)

And I think a Iot of us might Iike to know

how you feel aboUt the death of Osama.

(gasps) I didn't do it.

(IaUghter)

I didn't say yoU did.

Oh, right. Yeah, Uh-hUh.

(IaUghing): All right, yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

Did yoU have something to do with it?

Yeah... No!

Yes.. . No, no, no.. . no!

That Navy SEAL training was just for laughs.

(giggling)

Wait a minute, yoU trained as a Navy SEAL?

No.. . Ye... no! No!

How did you know?

Who said anything about navy SEALS?

I'm jUst a simple little terrorist.

Stop interrogating me! Damn it, yoU're good at this!

(IaUghter)

You're not going to tell anyone, right?

Tell them what?

Oh, thank you.

I will tell yoU what I do know, thoUgh.

What's that?

When Bin Laden died,

there were no 7? virgins waiting for him.

(IaUghter and applaUse)

No?

No. It was some kind of misUnderstanding.

Turned oUt, it was one 7?-year-old virgin.

(IaUghter)

Osama is stUck forever with Bea ArthUr.

(IaUghter)

And Osama and I agree that that ?2 virgin thing

is highly overrated.

How's that?

Who wants to hear this 7? times?

"Ooh, ow, oh! Boo-hoo-hoo!

You're gonna call me, right?"

(IaUghter)

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You communicate with Osama?

-Of course. -How?

On Face-Shot-Off-Book.

(IaUghter)

So...

(cheering, applause and whistling)

So, where... where exactly is he?

Well, he won't say, bUt I'm pretty sure it's Hell.

Why do you say that?

Well, they get cable, but they only get one channel.

-What? -The Oprah Winfrey Network.

Wait a minute.

(IaUghter and applaUse)

Come on, Achmed , a lot of people

love Oprah.

Were yoU ever on her show?

-No. -She doesn't love you.

And also I know why

they would not show the photo of dead Osama.

Why is that?

It's a Iittle hard to explain,

but when he was killed , he was dressed Up like Cher.

(IaUghter)

Well, since he's dead ,

do yoU think they're going to come after you now?

(IaUghing)

Wait, what?

Well, yoU're a terrorist.

Yeah, but l suck at it.

You know, the military has the deck of cards

of the 52 most wanted terrorists.

Are yoU one of those?

Yeah, but l'm in the Go-Fish deck.

(IaUghter)

Well, what did yoU think about them burying him at sea?

I think it's cool

that he coUId end up anywhere.

What do yoU mean?

That is one episode of SpongeBob I got to see.

(IaUghter)

(cackling)

I wrote that. I keel me.

Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist,

are you MUslim?

No. Scientologist.

(IaUghter)

BUt you used to be MUslim?

No. Look at me.

I'm too extreme.

I was Catholic.

(IaUghter)

Really?

-And Methodist... -What?

-Buddhist. .. -What?

-And Baptist.. . -What?

-And Capricorn. -Wait a minUte.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible.

(evil IaUghter)

And speaking of offending,

do yoU know what that idiot PeanUt did to me?

What?

He stole my ShamWow.

(IaUghter)

It's not funny!

Silence!

(IaUghter)

Wait for it.

(uproarioUs laughter)

(cheering)

I keel yoU!

(cheering and applaUse)

That's fantastic.

Let's do it together. One, two, three...

ALL: I keel yoU!

They're talking to yoU.

(IaUghter)

So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond?

Oh, I love the nightlife here.

Uh, what part of the nightlife?

They have Iive sex shows.

Really? Where?

In the hotel room right next to mine.

(IaUghter)

(IaUghter)

What?

That's my room.

(cheering and whistling)

Next time yoU shoUId get a partner.

(IaUghter)

Can we talk about something else?

I'm trying to throw up,

but I don't have a stomach.

(IaUghter)

So, look, Walter and I

were talking earlier,

and you've gotten pretty famoUs now Iately, haven't yoU?

Oh, yes.

And I think very soon,

I'm going to need my own posse.

That's with an "O."

(IaUghter)

Po-o-o-sse.

P-P-oo...

. .osse.

Posse.

Why are yoU explaining that?

In Amsterdam, they thoUght I said something else.

(IaUghter)

I don't even like cats.

(IaUghter and applaUse)

P-P-o.. . P-P-o...

P-P-o...

P-P-P-o...

P-P...

P-P-o...

P-P-P...

How am I doing that with no Iips?

(IaUghter)

(cheering and applaUse)

That's what she said.

-(cackling) -(laughter)

I can't believe yoU did that.

That's what she said.

(IaUghter)

Will you stop it?

That's what she said!

I don't like this.

(spUealing): That's what she said!

(IaUghter)

How Iong is this?

(high-pitched spUealing): That's what she said!

(IoUd laUghter and applause)

Think aboUt it.

So you were talking to Walter earlier?

Damn it!

Yes, and I said,

"I'm going to call you my bee-yotch."

That means (bleep).

I know that.

I'm sorry.

I'd been watching Pimp My Camel.

You do seem like you've been in a pretty good mood lately.

-Do you know why? -no.

BecaUse like Santa Claus,

I have been making a Iist of people

to kill twice.

Santa doesn't kill people.

He does if he's Terror Claus.

Terror Claus? I've never heard of him.

♪ Oh.. . ♪

♪ He kills yoU when yoU're sleeping ♪

♪ He chokes yoU when you wake ♪

♪ He knows if yoU are Catholic or Jew ♪

♪ So denounce your infidel faith. ♪

(IaUghter and cheers)

That's terrible.

BUt catchy!

Have you heard of the Terror BUnny?

-No. -He hides Easter bombs.

Look, Mommy. (mimics explosion)

That's even worse.

I know. Thank you for noticing.

What do yoU want, more stinking knock-knock jokes?

That might be better.

-Okay. Knock-knock. -Who's there?

Me. I keel you again.

(IaUghs)

You're sUch an idiot.

You keep answering the door!

Where l am from,

the game we teach our children is,

when someone says, "Knock-knock,"

you shUt the (bleep) Up and hide.

So, Achmed, did yoUr parents have mUch

to do with what yoU do now?

Well, uh, I gUess so.

My father was a sUicide bomber.

Oh, so you guys are a Iot alike?

Well, I have his eyes.

In a box.

And I Iike to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping.

That way, when he wakes up,

it scares the crap oUt of him .

WALTER (distant): You son of a (bleep),

I'II kick yoUr (bleep) right now!

(applause and cheering)

Is that case Iocked from the outside?

Yeah. Why?

'Cause he still scares the crap oUt of me!

So, Achmed, do yoU have

any good memories of your father?

Uh, for my eighth birthday,

-he got me a pUppy. -That's good.

-No, it turned into a disaster. -Why?

BecaUse sometimes my father was

a very confUsed man,

and that day my mother told him

-to go out and blow up some party balloons. -Yeah?

(sadly): And that's how l got a dog with no legs.

You had a dog with no Iegs?

Yeah, he was great.

I had him for many years.

Oh. So what'd you call him?

Seriously?

Seriously.

What?

I had a dog with no Iegs.

What did yoU call him?

Seriously?

Okay, yoU're a comedian, right?

Yeah.

I had a dog

with no Iegs.

(sinisterly): Ask me again.

What'd you call him?

I didn't call him anything because he could never come.

It's not funny!

Achmed, that's, that's, like, the oldest joke ever.

(voice breaking): Yes, but in my case, it was true.

AUDl ENCE: Aw...

Thanks.

Could he do any tricks?

He coUId roll over.

It's not funny becaUse if there is any kind of an incline,

he coUIdn't stop himself!

He looked Iike a rUnaway can of pinto beans

rolling down a hill.

It was the only time I ever saw a cat actUally IaUgh.

Meow. (hiccUps)

Meow. (hiccUps) Meow. (hiccups)

(faster) Meow. (hiccUps) Meow (hiccUps)

(gasping groan)

What was that?

I killed the (bleep) cat.

So, Achmed, when did yoU know you wanted

to be a suicide bomber?

After talking to my gUidance counselor.

Your guidance coUnselor?

-In high school. -High school?

Al Qaeda High.

Al Qaeda High?

♪ Oh.. . ♪

♪ AII hail to the AI Qaeda High ♪

♪ We blow Up, then we die. ♪

Everybody!

Wait, wait, wait. This is your high school?

Who's yoUr mascot?

The next guy on the Iist.

Oh, it was, Iike

"Go, team!" (mimics explosion)

Next.

So how were the cheerleaders at your school?

Oh, we didn't even have girls.

No girls?

No. I had to take my bUddy Omar to the prom .

Hey, he could dance!

Later, he became The Village Person.

I'm not kidding!

Wait. YoUr bUddy Omar was in the singing group

-The Village People? -Uh-huh.

-Which gUy was he? -What?

Was he, like, the cowboy

or the constrUction worker?

-Indian. -He was the Indian.

(chanting): ♪ Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪'

(mimics explosion)

What was that?

A bomb.

Native Americans didn't use bombs.

♪ Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪

(hisses, thud, groans)

Hey! They got it!

They knew that I got shot by an arrow.

I must be a pretty good actor.

Can I try it again to make sure

-it wasn't a fluke? -Sure.

Okay, this time, slightly bigger arrow, more drama.

(hisses, thud)

(screaming IoUdly)

Oh, Iook at that!

(aUdience cheering)

I'm a thesbian.

Not like EIIen.

Well, she's a Iesbian,

and l said "thesbian"

and the words are similar.

Not in meaning.

Unless yoU're a Iesbian thesbian.

♪ Chika-chika, wrow-wrow. ♪

-I like Ellen. -Yeah.

-She's cUte. -Yeah.

-YoU think l got a shot with her? -A shot?

You know, like, to date her?

Oh, come on. She coUId play on

the other team for a Iittle while.

You know, Iike a visitor.

Achmed, she's married to another woman.

(gasps) Who is this (bleep)?

Come on. What does she have that I don't?

What? I no longer have the hoogh-hagh.

Don't Iook!

You look to my hoogh-hagh area,

I keel yoU where you stand.

BUt if l keel you, please don't drop me.

What happened to your hoo-ha?

My what?

You said you no Ionger have a hoo-ha.

No, I didn't.

Yes, yoU did.

No, I didn't.

I said, hoogh-hagh.

What the hell a "hoo-ha"?

That's like a IaUghing owl.

Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha!

What happened to your hoogh-hagh?

Oh, after the explosion, it ended Up

over there, over there and up there.

I see.

So you no Ionger have a... a hoogh-hagh.

-No. -But you like women?

Yes. (gasps)

I'm a Iesbian!

I told yoU l got a shot with EIIen!

Do yoU think she Iikes actors?

I don't know.

Let me try this arrow thing one more time.

-I can prove I can act. -Okay.

Okay, this time, much bigger arrow,

much more drama.

(hisses, thud)

(IoUd groaning scream)

(scream fades)

(resUmes screaming IoUder)

I got shot in the shoulder, not gonna die.

(screams)

Now in the stomach.

(hisses, thud, groans)

(sustained gasping groan)

(weakly): Tell EIIen I Iove her!

(gasping and groaning)

Okay, I'm done. I can sit Up now.

Actually, yoU can't.

What?

(IaUghing): YoUr ribs are caught on yoUr spine.

Hang on one second.

(IaUghter)

(applause and cheering)

What?!

Son of (bleep)!

I keel yoU from here, you (bleep)!

You feed me a sandwich every once in a while,

this (bleep) would not happen!

(screams)

I'm a Iesbian, not a cheerleader!

(IaUghter and cheering bUilds)

(IoUd whistling)

(Iow voice): I keel yoU .

I keel yoU till yoU're dead!

And that's worse.

You make a barbecUe joke...

(IaUghter)

... l keel your family.

What part of my family?

(IaUghter and cheering)

We can talk.

All ri. . . (IaUghs)

Sorry about this.

How do you feel?

Kind of cold.

CUt it out.

Why?

It tickles.

Can I. . . can I try and pUt this back?

What am I now? (bleep) Lego Achmed?

I hate you.

-I want Ellen here. .. -Oops.

(aUdience cheers, applaUds)

-Didn't hurt. -AII right.

So Achmed , let me get this straight.

So there were never any girls at yoUr school.

No. But for some reason, we had a girls' restroom.

I see.

And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore.

-The girls' restroom? -Uh-huh.

And what'd yoU find?

A coUple of strange and wonderfUI things.

Like what?

Well, we foUnd a machine.

And if you pUt two shekels in it,

a small missile would come out.

-A missile? -Well, I think it was.

It had a Iittle white fuse.

And it must have been a very special missile,

because it was lightly scented.

And then yoU could put two shekels in the other machine

and get the bonus accUracy package.

-What? -It had wings.

And yoU Used these missiles?

With confidence.

-Really? -AIways.

(IaUghter)

(aUdience whistling)

Achmed, I've never heard of anything Iike this before.

Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel.

I've been to yoUr hoUse,

I've seen in your cabinets and drawers,

many of these missiles hidden away.

It Iooks as thoUgh you are preparing for war.

Every four weeks, it feels like that, I'd say so.

So your soldiers have synchronized their time clocks.

You coUId say that.

-Well, good lUck in yoUr battles, my friend . -Thank yoU.

I fear there will be mUch bloodshed .

(IaUghter)

What are the infidels laughing at now?

I'II explain it to you Iater.

I keel yoU!

Look, Achmed, I have a sUrprise to share with you tonight.

(gasps) You're going in the closet?

No, and by the way, the, the,

the phrase is "coming out of the closet."

Oh, congratulations!

No, I'm not coming out of the closet.

You're going to continUe to hide the trUth?

I'm not hiding in anything.

So everyone knows now? CongratUIations!

Achmed, I have a girlfriend.

(gasps) Does she know?

Maybe she will like this one guy.

There is no one gUy.

Then there are many gUys?

You are a whore.

Now, you should be stoned.

-Achmed. .. -What woUId yoUr mother say?

I'm not a whore.

Of coUrse your mother woUId say she's not a whore.

I'm straight.

Straight, crooked, we do not need

to know sUch graphic details.

(IaUghter)

I mean, I have a girlfriend.

Not for long.

Not when she finds oUt about yoUr many boyfriends.

Whore!

Will you please Iisten to what I'm saying?

I do not talk to whores.

You are dead to me.

You're dead to all of Us.

(applause and cheering)

-So, Achmed. .. -I'm not listening!

♪ La-la-la-la-la-Ia-Ia-Ia-Ia! ♪

Achmed, there's someone here I want yoU to meet.

(gasps) One of your whore boyfriends?

I think not!

No, I think this is someone you would Iike to see.

(gasps) Is it a woman?

No.

I already have a goat.

This is a surprise gUest.

(gasps) Ryan Seacrest?

-No. -(bleep) it!

Look. What I want you to do is, I just want you

to look over there while I'm getting him oUt,

-so you won't peek. -Okay.

-Just look over there. -O. .. wait a minute.

When I'm not Iooking, are you going to keel me?

-No. -That's actually a good way of doing it, yoU know.

Kinda old-school, but effective.

It's Iike "Hey, Iook at that!" (chokes) Aaah...

No, just Iook over there, and don't Iook back Until I say so.

-Okay, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, huh? -Yeah.

-Just look over there. -Okay.

-And don't peek. -Okay.

-Right. -Not gonna peek. JUst stay over here.

-Now? -no!

Okay! (muttering)

(applause and cheering)

(screams)

(yells)

Who the hell is that?

(British accent) Hello, Father.

(aUdience whistling, applaUding)

(prolonged cheering and whistling)

It's your son, Achmed Junior.

AJ?

That's right.

ACHMED: Wait... I thoUght you were dead!

SUrprise.

This is great.

Hey! What happened to your face?

Oh, yeah. My bad.

Achmed, he's yoUr son. Look at him . What do yoU see?

Well, he does have my eye.

(cackling laugh)

Actually, I do. Yes, l do.

Why do you soUnd like Elton John?

When yoU were separated after the accident,

he was raised in England.

Did my mUm miss me?

Uh.. . yeah. I don't know. What the hell.

How do you not know?

Oops.

What's wrong with yoUr Ieg?

Nothing!

What's wrong with my Ieg?

I don't know.

-Can yoU fix this? -no, I don't think so.

(bleep) it.

-Don't look at me. -Sorry.

Um, we're going to get Marnel to help Us.

-What? -Marnel, he works for me.

I know Mar, Mar, Marnel!

Come fix my Ieg!

(murmUring)

Thanks.

(applause)

He's kind of cute.

Okay, moving on!

Wait a minute. How do you not know who his mother is?

I had 46 wives, you idiot.

They all dressed the same, and their faces were covered.

How'd yoU tell them apart?

The numbers on their backs.

That's terrible.

I know, Mother's Day is a (bleep).

And so are most of the mothers.

That's not fUnny at all.

"Atall"? Who is "Atall"?

Was she your mother? I don't remember

a woman who was all bulgy-eyed Iike yoU.

-Bulgy-eyed? -Well, look at him.

Well, yoU're not exactly spUinting.

At Ieast my face is balanced .

You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time.

-Achmed, he's your son. -Well, the apple

doesn't fall far from the tree,

and apparently this one got run over by a (bleep) lawnmower.

You caUsed the accident.

Accident? It was a hUge explosion,

with great fire and destrUction.

-YoU didn't mean for it to happen. -I did, too!

-YoU did not! -no, li. . . Oh, (bleep).

Marnel!

Son of a (bleep)!

Are yoU talking to me now?

Fix it right, or I kick your (bleep).

Marnel!

Come back!

My arm is stuck in my pelvis, yoU (bleep).

(IaUghter, applause and cheering)

He can fix my pelvis anytime.

-ShUt Up! -Okay, Iook.

Okay, look. So the explosion you were talking about,

how did it happen?

Very precise and carefUI planning.

-Not exactly. -I said shut up!

-What happened? -nothing.

He was pUtting gasoline in his scooter.

So why was there an explosion?

(bleep) happens.

He was using his cell phone.

-Really? -What?

While pUtting gas in your scooter.

You know that's dangerous.

Well, it was yoUr mother who called.

-ACHM ED JR: Really? -I don't know.

-What was her name? -42.

And yoU guys haven't had any contact since?

-Not much. He's a bad son. -I am not.

Tell him what you sent me for my birthday.

It was an honest mistake.

What'd you send him?

He sent me a bottle of skin Iotion.

(IaUghter)

-He made it worse. -What'd yoU do?

I sent him back half a bottle.

-(laughing) -(laughter)

You know, maybe yoU shoUId try and patch things up.

Looks like he needs more than a (bleep) patch.

BUt I'm here for a reason.

What, a skin graft? Sorry, I'm all out.

(bleep)! Marnel!

Come fix my (bleep) leg!

Get dUct tape, you (bleep)!

(chUckling): He actUally broUght duct tape.

(IaUghter and cheering)

He's kinky, too.

Shut up!

So, Achmed, do yoU know why AJ is here?

Well. . . Wait a minute.

This isn't some crap about owing child sUpport, is it?

That (bleep)!

-Whichever one she was. -no, that's not...

This is bad,

'caUse I've seen the crap that you're going throUgh

and l don't know how yoU can afford even a T-shirt.

Thank you.

Did I say that jUst how you wrote it?

(IaUghter)

Yes. Thank yoU .

Okay. Good Iuck with the jUdge.

I hope he's fair.

Actually the judge is a woman.

You're (bleep).

(IaUghter)

Okay, listen, yoU ...

Achmed, yoU're getting hostile.

Of coUrse I'm getting hostile.

I'm a terrorist, you idiot.

You piss me off, I keel yoU .

Would that really solve anything?

Pretty mUch, yeah, I think it does.

Okay...

I have nothing in common with my own son.

-Well, jUst talk to him. -How?

I don't know, like you would anybody.

Okay, W.T.F.

O.M.G .

I mean O.M .A.

(IaUghter and applaUse)

And yoU have no idea why he's here?

-To start his training as a terrorist. -no, Father,

that's just it-- I don't want to be a terrorist.

(gasps) But I want you to be jUst Iike me.

Well, I'm not, and l won't be.

Achmed, can you accept that?

(voice breaking): I gUess I can try.

And, AJ, what if he doesn't accept it?

I keel yoU .

That's my boy!

(cheering and applaUse)

He's purple, he's wacky, he's been aroUnd for a while.

Please help me welcome my bUddy Peanut!

(cheering)

How yoU doing, PeanUt?

-Doing pretty good. How aboUt you? -I'm fine.

That's good, that's good , that's goo-ood.

(cheering)

-Wow. -YoU like it here?

I Iove it here.

It's beaUtifUI. It's sold out.

The place is paid for.

We mUst be on an Indian reservation.

And these are all Indians.

Look, PeanUt, first of all,

the more politically correct term

these days is Native American.

Oh, yeah.

I certainly wouldn't want to piss 'em off.

They coUId try and scalp me, but all they'd get

is a fishing Iure.

(IaUghter)

I gUess that is a little less confusing of a term , though.

-What? -native American.

-Why? -'CaUse when yoU say Indian,

you don't know which one the hell they're talking about.

-What? -Is it the ones that go...

(war chant): ♪ Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪

Or the ones that go...

(Indian accent): Thank yoU for calling customer sUpport.

(IaUghter and cheering)

BUt in this case, I'm talking about the ones that go...

(war chant): ♪ Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪

(deep voice): ♪ Hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪

(high-pitched): ♪ Hy-ya, hy-ya. .. how. ♪

Do yoU know what that chant means?

No, bUt I think it means,

(chanting): ♪ I forgot the words, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪

You know, we have plenty

of Native Americans here this evening.

Oh, goody. Let's play craps.

(IaUghter)

What? They've got the reservations and the casinos

and making millions of dollars every day hand over fist.

They're laughing all the way to the bank.

Oh, that's what it is-- they're IaUghing.

(chanting): ♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. ♪

(IaUghter)

What is wrong with yoU tonight?

You're being a little extra annoying.

I'm sorry.

I got cranky today becaUse

we didn't have anything to eat on the bUs.

Right. We haven't been to the store in a while.

-So yoU know what I had to do? -What?

-I had to phone order take-out Chinese food. -Oh.

Have you done this lately?

Phone order take-out Chinese? no.

Excuse me, but do these guys get together in the morning

and decide who speaks English the worst?

(IaUghter)

(Chinese accent): Okay, Chin,

today yoUr day to take the phone order.

Oh, this is Chin.. . (gibberish)

(IaUghter)

So here's me

placing a phone order for take-oUt Chinese food.

What was the name of the restaurant?

Oh, Taste of China.

Hello, I'd Iike to place a phone order today.

Oh, this is Chin.. . (gibberish)

Okay, I need two orders of kUng pao chicken.

(heavy Chinese accent): Oh, you like kung pao chicken?

I Iike kUng pao chicken, too.. . (gibberish)

(IaUghter)

Okay, and I need something with salmon.

Ooh, yoU Iike-a the fish? You like-a the fish?

It tastes. . . (gibberish)

Yeah, and I need chopsticks.

Oh, no fork?

(IaUghter)

I said I need chopsticks.

No fork?

Chopsticks. No fork?

No fork, no fork.

Taste a-vagina like fish.

(IaUghter and applaUse)

Could yoU repeat that?

No fork. Taste a-vagina like fish.

Did yoU get it?

No fork. Taste a-vagina...

They got it!

First of all, do yoU know how racist that is?

And that's a-why it's so (bleep) fUnny.

(cheering)

Now, PeanUt, yoU've been doing this bit for a few weeks now

-and I've been a little bit worried about it. -Why?

BecaUse I didn't know if it was

pushing the racism thing too far,

and my fears actually came trUe this afternoon.

-What? -Right before the show started,

we actUally got an e-mail, and this was from a gUy

that was at one of our shows a couple of weeks ago.

The guy's obvioUsly of Asian descent.

He saw the whole show, inclUding the Taste of China bit.

He was offended, and the guy took the time

to write an e-mail to complain.

And I know when one person takes the time to write an e-mail

like this, there's UsUally a bUnch of other people

who feel the same and don't take the time.

I feel bad about this.

I want to make it right to this gUy,

I'd Iike for yoU to read his e-maiI

and we're going to send him the DVD.

Well, thanks for bringing our show

to a grinding, freakin' halt.

(IaUghter)

It doesn't matter.

I feel strongly about this, and it's the right thing to do.

It's to me.

That was the only weird part about it.

(IaUghter)

The only thing I coUId figure out

is the guy was jUst trying to be real specific.

I think he didn't know your name and didn't care.

Doesn't matter.

-Go ahead and read it. -Okay.

"Dear PeanUt:

(heavy Chinese accent): "Herro. . ."

(IaUghter)

I'm sorr...

(cheering)

Oh, now how could I pass that Up?

You threw a slow ball down the middle of the plate.

I had to (bleep) swing.

All right, you got your laugh. Ha-ha.

JUst do it right.

Okay, do it right, do it right.

All right, go ahead .

(heavy Chinese accent): "Dear Mr. PeanUt...

(IaUghter)

Herro..."

I'm trying to do the right thing here.

I'm not.

You know, we have folks of Asian descent here this evening.

(heavy Chinese accent): Oh, so sorry.

Will you stop it?!

(IaUghter)

It's not right.

-What? -It's not right.

-What? -It's not right.

It's "snot" right?

Everybody heard yoU. You said "It's snot."

You might as well have gone, "It's (snorting) right."

Daddy, don't hit Mommy. Daddy, don't hit Mommy.

-What yoU're doing is not right. -Okay!

-It's wrong. -Okay!

No, PeanUt, no!

No!

It's not right.

It's bad.

I'm a bad PeanUt.

(IaUghter)

It's not right.

Okay.

It is not...

Stop it!

...right!

I got it!

-(belches) -Stop it!

Ooh! Egg foo yUng! Ooh!

JUst read it.

(Chinese accent): "We see yoUr show rast night

and we raUgh and raugh."

(normal voice): What? They're raughing.

JUst do it straight.

Oh, you're sUch a (bleep).

(IaUghter)

Seriously.

Oh, my God ...!

-(normal voice): DUde.. . -What?

Where's yoUr other hand?

(prolonged applaUse, cheering and whistling)

I hope you're wearing a glove.

Do yoU do this to the other guys?

Everybody except Josė.

Yeah, yoU shove the stick Up his (bleep).

I think I'd rather have that.

You have a stick.

What?

(shrieks)

What the hell was that?!

That's how l work your arm.

(muffled scream)

That explains why that one sUcks.

JUst read this.

(Chinese accent): "Missa PeanUt. . ."

Come on. Let me stay in character.

All right.

"Why you make fUn of jUst a-Chinese people?

Why not make fun of.. .?"

(normal voice): What does that say?

"People who are brack?"

(belly laugh)

You are so stupid!

(nasal IaUgh)

I think he's talking about African Americans.

Yes, he is!

Why does everyone here know that bUt yoU?!

JUst read it.

(nasal snickering)

(panting)

"De're mUch funnier saying things like, 'Yo, yo, dawgie'

"and 'Where my money, (bleep)?'

"Sincery, your biggest fan, Bob.

P.S. Your Iucky numbers are 1 6, 34, 46."

All right, PeanUt, time to introduce the next guy.

Oh, dUde, does he have to come oUt here?

Why not?

He's a talking jalapeho!

(aUdience cheering)

Go ahead.

On a stick-k!

So?

How random is that?

Well, Josö, has been in our act for years.

I know. And when folks see Us,

do yoU know when

they say the best time to watch Josö is?

-When? -When they're drUnk off their (bleep).

In fact, isn't that how yoU came Up with him in the first place?

I don't know.

BUt I do know that's when

I came Up with yoU.

You jerk!

JUst introdUce him.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Josö Jalapeho on a Stick!

(aUdience cheering)

Good evening, Josö.

Hola, Sehor Jeff.

How are hue.. .? Whoops.

What the hell was that?

Were yoU trying to say, "How are yoU?"

And it came oUt, "Haa-a-ah?"

Why is that we speak perfectly and you (bleep) up?

(IaUghter and cheering)

I don't know.

Would yoU Iike me to help you?

-I'm fine. -Come on. Follow me

-one word at a time. -no.

Come on. JUst do it.

Do it!

-Okay. -Okay.

-How.. . -How...

-are. .. -are...

-yoU-yoU? -yoU-yoU?

-Good-good. -Good-good.

-AII right. -AII right.

(aUdience cheering)

How are yoU , Josö?

I don't know. It took too long.

Actually, I'm excited, sehor.

Why are yoU excited, Josö?

Probably 'cause you're holding his stick.

Do yoU have to do jokes like that?

It's just weird to me that in front of everyone,

you're holding Josö's stick-k.

Any sUggestions?

You should at least

take him oUt to dinner first.

It's just a stick.

Maybe it's actUally a handle.

A handle?

Yeah, yoU could use Josė as a weapon.

-To hit with? -Yes!

I want to go back in the box.

No, this is awesome! "What happened to Frank?"

"He got whacked by a jalapeho."

-On a stick. -Yes!

Think aboUt it.

You'd be wielding a Mexican whacker.

-On a stick. -Yes!

Look, yoU know how Batman had his sidekick Robin

and one of their weapons was a batarang?

Yes, of coUrse.

Oh, dUde.

What?

You jUst showed your geek.

(sniffs)

And it smells like loser.

You're not a Ioser, sehor.

Thank you, Josö.

SUck-up.

Muppet reject.

(IaUghter)

Hey, he can drop you,

and then l'II throw down a couple avocados.

And we got gUacamole!

I coUId still bUrn your (bleep).

Good point.

All right. (chUckles)

-Look... -Wait!

The Batman thing jUst made me think of something.

-What? -If this comedy bUsiness doesn't work out for yoU,

-Yeah? -yoU can be a crime fighter.

A crime fighter?

Yes. YoU could be DUnham Man...

with Josö, yoUr trusty sidestick. (chortles)

I see. So yoU're saying I woUld be a sUperhero.

Mm, . ..ish.

"Ish"? lt this like Jewish?

No, Josö, yoU're not Jewish 'caUse then you woUIdn't be

Josö Jalapeho. You'd be Hymie Jalapeho.

On a bagel. (IaUghs)

Where would you hold him, then?

(chortles)

In the hole.

I am not touching that.

No, yoU probably never have.

(aUdience gasps)

Okay.

This sUcks!

-So we're a crime-fighting team, sehor? -Yes!

What kind of crime do we fight?

Illegal aliens.

I think there's a conflict of interest.

Look, so yoU find the illegals, whack 'em on the head with Josö,

and every time Josö hits someone, he yells...

-Olö. -Yes!

Pretty cool, huh?

I gUess so.

BUt, Um, do I get a costUme?

What?

Anything from those earlier photos.

I'd go with the red shorts, sehor.

Yeah, then yoU'd be Ugly-(bleep) Crackerman.

(IaUghs)

Okay, look, for this crime-fighting thing,

how's Josö gonna dress?

Well, he needs a disgUise.

Is difficUIt to hide a big stick.

I'm not saying anything.

Of coUrse not. You're still holding it.

Josö, I don't know how you pUt Up with this.

-I have nowhere else to go, sehor. -What?

He was evicted.

-What? -Evicted .

-Really? -Yep. -Sí.

-YoU were evicted? -Sí.

Why didn't you come to my house?

(snickering)

JOSÉ: Ask Peanut.

Why didn't he come to my house?

We told him yoU Ioved eating Mexican food!

I was afraid for my Iife.

So where'd yoU take him?

Taco Bell!

(IaUghter)

That was really mean.

I know!

Hey, Iook. What aboUt moving all of Josö's stUff?

Achmed tried to rent a truck.

No bueno.

(chUckles) So did Walter help?

He coUIdn't becaUse of his war injUry.

Walter has a war injUry?

Yeah, he strained his thumb playing Call of DUty: BIack Ops.

So you and Achmed did everything.

Yep. Josö didn't lift a finger.

(IaUghing)

(IaUghing): 'Cause he doesn't have a finger!

Hey, ever met Josö's sister?

-Don't do it. -She's really hot.

(shrieking with laughter)

I'm jUst kidding, Josė.

I know. You're more into frUit.

(aUdience groans)

-Hey! -Hang on, yoU gUys.

-No, you hang on. -What?

Why are yoU laughing at him?

'Cause he's fUnny.

Oh, he is, is he? I know what you're doing.

I'm not doing anything.

You're giving Josö the better insUIts.

I'm jUst listening.

Don't give me that crap.

We all know this is all you.

If you get any closer, he's going to whack yoU with me.

Whack.

OIö!

And that's Josö Jalapeho on a Stick!

(applause and cheering)

Hey.

Wait a minute!

I . .. I forgot to tell Josė something.

Open the box back Up.

Immigration!

Stop it!

Well, he pissed me off.

Well, PeanUt, it's aboUt time to end the evening.

-No wait! -What?

-I got one more thing to do. -no, the show's about over.

-No it's not! l got one more thing. -What?

Okay, look. JUst trust me on this.

I have a new hobby.

-A new hobby? -Yes.

What is it?

I am now a ventriloquist, too.

No, yoU're not.

Yes, I am.

That was... that was pretty good.

I know. Compared to me,

you suck.

Really?

Let me show you how it's done.

-Well, you need a dUmmy. -He's in the box.

-YoU have a dUmmy? -Over here, sehor.

-He's. .. in the box? -Yeah.

Right next to Josö.

-Can I get him oUt? -Yep.

JOSÉ: Don't toUch my stick.

CarefUI!

What?

(whispering): He's really Ugly.

JOSÉ: He is ugly, sehor.

He is nasty-looking.

JOSÉ: He's so scary, I wet my stick.

-But he's right here. -He's the only other guy in there,

check it oUt, look, Iook, Iook!

All right, Iet's see this, here we go...

(cheering and applaUse)

I thought you said he was ugly.

He is!

He looks a Iittle like me.

No.. . he looks a Iot Iike you!

This isn't fUnny.

Then why is everyone else IaUghing?

JOSÉ: I IaUgh, too, sehor.

I IaUgh so hard I crack my stick.

-Do you know how to work this? -Of course I do.

You know there's a Iittle lever down there...

-I know. -YoU grab onto the Iever...

-I know. -and yoU pull on it...

-I know! -Now, do you have a hold of the lever?

He's got a hold of something.

See, I can do this, too!

-Fantastic. -How are you, Little Ugly Jeff?

-Not good. -Wait, wait, wait a minUte.

You're going to call him Ugly Jeff?

Oh no, no, no, no.

Little Ugly Jeff.

Is there any other name?

Uh, Little Ugly (bleep) Jeff?

I Iike that.

JOSÉ: Me, too, sehor.

-Thank yoU. -YoU're welcome.

Wait a minute.

I woUld prefer you didn't Use the word (bleep).

Oh, I didn't really. It's all one word.

Little Ugly (bleep) Jeff.

(bleep) Jeff, (bleep) Jeff, l am (bleep) Jeff.

See? lt's good .

-JOSÉ: Bravo! -Gracias. -De nada.

This is ridiculous.

(cheering)

So, how are yoU, Little Ugly (bleep) Jeff?

I'm sad, Handsome Peanut.

Wait, wait a minUte.

Handsome Peanut?

Yes, PeanUt is very handsome, Unlike yoU , Ugly (bleep) Jeff.

-He is me. -Good point.

-I hate my ugly-(bleep) self. -AII right.

-He said he was sad. -I heard him.

Why are yoU sad, (bleep) Jeff?

BecaUse I'm a Ioser.

Yeah, that is sad.

-And he's Ugly. -And I'm ugly.

-Thank yoU. -Is okay.

Will you stop this?

That's a shame, Little Ugly (bleep) Jeff.

I have no idea how I made it this far in Iife.

-Me neither. -no one does.

-I suck. -AII right.

Maybe you can make up for your Ioserness

by having a good personality.

-No. -DoubtfUI. -no way.

-I'm sorry. -Me, too.

Okay, look.

You guys really think this is fUnny.

-Oh, yeah. -Sí. -Definitely.

-The truth hurts. -Okay.

I'II tell yoU what, Peanut, you think that's fUnny?

I have something here that you're going to like.

-What? -Just trUst me.

You're going to love this.

What the (bleep) is that?

Hi, Iook at me! I'm a Iittle idiot!

(high-pitched giggles)

-That is not fUnny. -Yes, it is!

-No, it's not! -I think it is.

-JOSÉ: Me, too. -LOL. -Shut up!

You guys have been awesome. Thank you. Good night.

(rock mUsic plays)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

You guys are awesome!

We'II see yoU next time! Good night!

(beeping)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪