All language subtitles for Jeff.Dunham.Beside.Himself.2019.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:11,302 [rock music plays] 4 00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:14,472 [announcer] Greetings, Dallas infidels. 5 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:16,433 Please welcome to the stage 6 00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:19,894 Mr. Jeff Dunham! 7 00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,730 [cheering and applause] 8 00:00:32,657 --> 00:00:36,411 How you doin', Dallas? 9 00:00:36,494 --> 00:00:39,247 [cheering and applause continue] 10 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:42,625 It is good to be back in my home state 11 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,127 of Texas. 12 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:45,754 [cheering and applause] 13 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,089 Wow, what a crowd. This is awesome. 14 00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:50,967 So, I know a lot of you folks are here on purpose this evening. 15 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,136 You knew what the show was, you purchased the tickets. 16 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:54,304 Thanks for coming. 17 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:57,015 Some others were sitting at home, going, "Ah, there's nothing on TV, 18 00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,767 let's get drunk, go to that puppet show." 19 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:00,518 -So... -[laughter] 20 00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:03,271 Yes, I make a living talking to myself, 21 00:01:03,354 --> 00:01:06,900 which means some forms of mental illness actually pay off. 22 00:01:06,983 --> 00:01:08,777 [laughter] 23 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:11,654 Oh, you're applauding at that. You're a sick crowd. I like you already. 24 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:12,739 [laughter] 25 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,158 Now, before we get to the main event, 26 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,286 I want to talk to you a little bit about boys and girls. 27 00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:20,413 Now, when my girls were tiny, little babies, 28 00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:22,373 I had friends and family coming to me, saying, 29 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,793 "Okay, you've done a fine job with little babies. 30 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:26,586 We just want to warn you what's coming next." 31 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:27,587 I said, "What's that?" 32 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,255 "The terrible twos and horrible threes." 33 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,216 I said, "Really?" "Oh, yeah, the toddler years. 34 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:33,343 You're doing a good job, but it's going to get tough. 35 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,179 It's not gonna be easy, your life is never gonna be the same. 36 00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:37,972 Hang on and good luck." 37 00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,015 And guess what happened? 38 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:39,933 Nothing. 39 00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:40,975 Everything was fine. 40 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:44,270 I swear. I have no earthly idea what everybody was talking about. 41 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,606 It wasn't until they turned, like, 12 or 13 42 00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:49,400 that Satan came down, entered their bodies... 43 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,152 [laughter] 44 00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:54,072 Nobody warned me about this. I walked in their room one morning, 45 00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,031 "Good morning, girls." 46 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,283 [growling and snarling] 47 00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:58,660 [laughter] 48 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,373 They'd come home from school, "How was your day?" 49 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,667 [crying] "Stop talking to me like that." 50 00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:07,210 [laughter] 51 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:08,753 "I'm sorry, would you like a carrot?" 52 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,130 "Why, are you saying I'm fat?" 53 00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:11,464 [laughter] 54 00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:14,384 "I'll be in the garage with the dogs. They like me more. Bye." 55 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,426 [laughter] 56 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:16,719 This kept up for a few years. 57 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:19,264 Then they started turning 17, 18 years of age. 58 00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:22,350 And then, apparently, Jesus came down, killed the three Satans... 59 00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:23,268 [laughter] 60 00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:25,436 ...and my daughters were back. That happened like this. 61 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,105 I'd be like, "Uh, good morning, girls." 62 00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:28,481 "Oh, good morning, father. 63 00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,608 [laughter] 64 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:31,818 May we have money." 65 00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:34,445 [laughter] 66 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:35,655 Satan was cheaper. 67 00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:37,699 [laughter] 68 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:39,826 But Audrey and I got married six years ago... 69 00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:42,328 And, uh, what's a good hand in the game of poker? A full house. 70 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,622 What's a full house? Three of a kind, two of a kind. 71 00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,249 I have three girls. Well... 72 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:49,335 Almost four years ago, Audrey gave birth to twin boys. 73 00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:50,461 Thank you very much. 74 00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:51,546 Thanks. 75 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:52,881 [cheering and applause] 76 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,216 And yes, I know when my boys graduate from college, 77 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,343 I'll be 75 years of age. 78 00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:58,261 [laughter] 79 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,096 It's fine. It's great. 80 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,055 [laughter] 81 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:05,018 But now, these same people who warned me about my girls, 82 00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,270 have now come to me and said, "Guess what?" 83 00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:09,272 "Okay, you got through the girls. 84 00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:11,441 We just want to warn you about what's coming now. 85 00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:14,944 Little boys are way more difficult than little girls. 86 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:15,862 Good luck." 87 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:18,156 You know what I said back to them? I said, "You know what? 88 00:03:18,239 --> 00:03:20,950 You were wrong about my girls. You're gonna be wrong about my boys. 89 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:21,993 It's the parenting. 90 00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,620 Apparently, you did it wrong." 91 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:24,829 [laughter] 92 00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,539 And, come on, they're kids. 93 00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:30,084 How much more difficult could little boys be from little girls? 94 00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:31,586 Holy shit. 95 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,421 [laughter] 96 00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:35,757 It's not funny. You know what I have in my house right now? 97 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,759 Two tiny psychopath terrorists. 98 00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:38,843 That's what I have. 99 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:39,761 [laughter] 100 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,888 And it's worse for me, because Achmed lives there. 101 00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:43,014 He's teaching them stuff. 102 00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:45,099 I've got a freaking clan under my own roof. 103 00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:47,310 -[laughter] -I'm not kidding. They tear things up, 104 00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:49,437 they tear things down, they broke the washing machine, 105 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,730 they smashed our blender. 106 00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:53,775 They're already downloading porn. I don't know how that happened. 107 00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:54,817 [laughter] 108 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:58,029 And little Jack's a runner. He runs all the time for no damn reason. 109 00:03:58,112 --> 00:03:59,948 We can't take him in the front yard anymore. 110 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,742 There's no bird, no plane, no car, no dog, no ball... 111 00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:05,495 He just runs. He's like Forrest Gump on crack. 112 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:07,413 [laughter] 113 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,082 [cheering and applause] 114 00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:16,214 Audrey and I are alcoholics now. 115 00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:17,715 [laughter] 116 00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:22,679 We didn't used to drink very much, but we do now. 117 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:23,805 [laughter] 118 00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:26,224 You know the saying, "It's five o'clock somewhere?" 119 00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:28,351 That did not come from alcoholics. 120 00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,311 That came from parents with toddlers. 121 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,063 [laughter] 122 00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:34,065 I got to tell you, giving a toddler a bath 123 00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,817 is much more fun when you're hammered. 124 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,652 [laughter] 125 00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:38,569 [Jeff chuckles] 126 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,281 But I want to tell you what happened one particular evening. 127 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,740 This was a big night. 128 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,784 Audrey was giving the boys their bath. 129 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:47,078 She'd just finished scrubbing down little James. 130 00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:49,080 She turned to little Jack to scrub him down. 131 00:04:49,163 --> 00:04:51,416 Before she knew it, James had jumped out of the bathtub 132 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:52,500 and ran in the bedroom. 133 00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:56,170 James is stark naked, soaking wet, running in circles and screaming. 134 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,298 It's fun. I know because I taught him. 135 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,674 [laughter] 136 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,095 Audrey turns to Jack and says, "Jack, stay right here. 137 00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:05,179 Mommy will be right back." 138 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,265 She goes in the bedroom, there's little James. 139 00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:09,934 She scoops him up, starts to head back to the bathroom. 140 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,436 I'll stop the story right here. 141 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:12,562 As we raise our children, 142 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,689 there are certain benchmarks and milestones 143 00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:16,566 that we look forward to our children achieving. 144 00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:19,110 One of those milestones is the first word. 145 00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:20,528 Well, after having five kids, 146 00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:23,072 I've realized that the first word, to me, is not that important. 147 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:23,990 Why? 148 00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:26,659 Because it could be them just imitating a sound, 149 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:27,744 parroting a sound. 150 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,746 To me, what's more important than the first word 151 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,623 is the first sentence that they form all on their own. 152 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,334 That, to me, is the most important. 153 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:37,128 Well, I'm very happy that this particular evening, 154 00:05:37,211 --> 00:05:40,089 both of my boys spoke the exact same sentence 155 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,632 almost at the exact same time. 156 00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:45,094 Audrey had little James in her arms and was heading back to the bathroom. 157 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,804 Little Jack was in that bathtub. 158 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,348 She heard little Jack 159 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,183 say his first sentence. 160 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,477 She said the words were enunciated perfectly, 161 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,270 she understood him very clearly. 162 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,648 Here's what little Jack said from the bathtub, all by himself: 163 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,401 "Eww, poop." 164 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:02,278 [laughter] 165 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:08,868 She goes in the bathroom. 166 00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:11,829 There's little Jack standing up in the middle of the bathtub 167 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,289 in the six inches of water, 168 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,709 pointing down to the newly-formed floating turd boat. 169 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,461 [laughter] 170 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,630 Jack sees mommy come in, 171 00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:21,798 his face lights up. 172 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,675 He points and says it again, this time with glee. 173 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,344 "Eww, poop!" 174 00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:27,553 [laughter] 175 00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,138 James hears this, he turns around, 176 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,099 he sees the turd boat, his face lights up. 177 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:32,016 He says it, too. 178 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,643 "Eww, poop!" 179 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:34,685 [laughter] 180 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:37,063 Audrey's horrified, she quickly cleans up the boys, 181 00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:38,356 throws them in bed, 182 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:41,651 quickly cleans up the bathtub, heads downstairs, starts drinking. 183 00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,861 [laughter] 184 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,614 I get home the next day, we go about our daily business. 185 00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:49,158 Two mornings later, I wake up with pink eye. 186 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,077 [laughter] 187 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,415 For those of you who have no idea how these two stories are related, 188 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,916 let me explain it to you. 189 00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:58,376 [laughter] 190 00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:01,129 So two mornings later, I wake up, I can't open my eyes. 191 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,172 My eyes are crusted and gooed shut. 192 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,215 It's disgusting. 193 00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:06,676 Audrey walks in and she goes, "Oh, my God, you have pink eye." 194 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,845 I said, "What's pink eye?" She goes, "That!" 195 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,346 [laughter] 196 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,264 I go to the doctor. 197 00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:13,015 I'm sitting in the chair. He takes one look. 198 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,809 He goes, "Oh, Mr. Dunham, you have pink eye." 199 00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:16,811 I said, "What's pink eye? He goes, "That." 200 00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:17,895 [laughter] 201 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:20,565 I said, "How'd I get pink eye?" "I don't know. It's very contagious. 202 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:23,276 But I'm-- I'm pretty sure that you got it from your boys." 203 00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:25,862 I said, "My boys don't have pink eye. I didn't get it from them. 204 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:28,406 -How else do you think I got it?" -He goes, "Oh, no, Mr. Dunham, 205 00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:32,994 uh, this type of-- of pink eye is contracted by contact with poo. 206 00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:34,829 [laughter] 207 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,002 [laughter continues] 208 00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:44,005 I said, "Doc, let me rephrase what you just said. 209 00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:46,215 Did you just tell me I got shit in my eye? 210 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,842 [laughter] 211 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,180 And he said, "Yes, Mr. Dunham, 212 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,515 if you want to put it that way, you got shit in your eye." 213 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,476 I said, "Doc, I did not get shit in my eye. 214 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:57,602 I'm a very clean person." 215 00:07:57,685 --> 00:08:00,980 He goes, "It doesn't matter what you did. Here are the drops. Go home, goodbye. 216 00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:02,398 I went home. I walked in the door. 217 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,901 -Audrey said, "What happened? -I said, "I got shit in my eye." 218 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:06,068 [laughter] 219 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:09,030 She said, "Why'd you do that? I go, "I didn't do it on purpose!" 220 00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:11,157 [laughter] 221 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:13,659 Third story, somewhat related. 222 00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:16,454 We have a Jack Russell Terrier named Buddy. 223 00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:19,123 Anybody who knows anything about that breed of dog 224 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,501 knows that it's a badass mofo dog. 225 00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,629 He isn't afraid of anything, well, except one thing... 226 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,255 My boys. 227 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,673 [laughter] 228 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,759 And we have no idea where this fear came from. 229 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,135 But one morning, we noticed it. 230 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,429 We hear the boys come toddling down the stairs... 231 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,933 Buddy sat up, actually said, "Oh, shit," and ran out the door. 232 00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,392 [laughter] 233 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,102 I said, "What was that?" 234 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,772 Audrey goes, "That was weird. It's like Buddy's afraid of the boys." 235 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:43,689 I said, "That's odd." 236 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,234 We taught the boys how to treat God's little creatures. 237 00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,152 How to pet Buddy, how to talk nice to him. 238 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,072 But Buddy would not let those boys get anywhere near him. 239 00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:53,324 It went on for six weeks. Couldn't figure it out. 240 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:54,617 Until I saw it happen. 241 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:57,453 Apparently, one of my boys, and I won't tell you which, 242 00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,915 thinks it's really funny to stick his finger in Buddy's asshole. 243 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:02,166 [laughter] 244 00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:11,217 And that's how I got pink eye. 245 00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,135 [laughter] 246 00:09:15,012 --> 00:09:16,180 [Jeff laughs] 247 00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:17,098 Well, that's my life. 248 00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,642 You guys ready for the little people in the boxes? 249 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:21,310 [cheering and applause] 250 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:25,481 You know the people who are always looking for the bright side 251 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,524 of everything in life? 252 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,609 Well, this first guy is not one of those, 253 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,778 and we all know someone just like him. 254 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,364 Please, help me welcome my old friend, Walter. 255 00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,908 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 256 00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:45,626 Oh, shut the hell up. 257 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,503 [laughter and cheering] 258 00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:50,756 -How are you, Walter? -Who the hell cares? 259 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,593 -[laughter] -No, wait, I take that back. 260 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,553 Everything is awesome. 261 00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:57,138 [laughter] 262 00:09:57,221 --> 00:09:59,974 I'm suing someone for sexual harassment. 263 00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:01,225 [laughter] 264 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,352 And who would you sue for sexual harassment? 265 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,021 -My wife -Your-- your wife? 266 00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,606 [laughter] 267 00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:07,565 But, she's your wife. 268 00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:11,027 I know, and I realize I could have avoided all this years ago 269 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,486 with one simple word: 270 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,488 "I do... not." 271 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,574 [laughter] 272 00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,035 -You ever think like that? -No, my wife's an angel. 273 00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,995 Oh, you're lucky. Mine's still alive. 274 00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:22,955 [laughter] 275 00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:29,920 But again, you two still actually love each other. 276 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,132 Yeah, but it may have changed a little bit over the years. 277 00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:34,425 -How's that? -I used to say 278 00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:36,636 I'd jump in front of a bus to save her life. 279 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,096 -Yeah? -Now, I think I'd just yell. 280 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,682 [laughter] 281 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,060 [calmly] Hey! 282 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,437 [laughter] 283 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,814 Three, two, one... 284 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,441 [calmly] Look out! 285 00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:51,734 [laughter] 286 00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:55,780 And about that timing, too. 287 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:56,697 [Jeff laughs] 288 00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:57,657 [laughter] 289 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,451 And what would she do if the roles were reversed? 290 00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:03,245 Oh, she'd shove my ass right in front of the damn bus. 291 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,288 [laughter] 292 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,624 And then she'd have them stop and go back and forth 293 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:08,501 just a few times for good measure. 294 00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:09,627 [laughter] 295 00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:12,046 So what do you think is the biggest problem in your marriage? 296 00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:14,131 -Everything is my fault. -But it's not. 297 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,008 Oh, she is very convincing. 298 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,009 [laughter] 299 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,010 -Really? -Yeah. 300 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,304 Last week, I found myself apologizing to her 301 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:23,933 after she rear-ended a guy at a stoplight. 302 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:28,062 -How is that your fault? -I have no freaking idea. 303 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:29,980 I was taking a nap... 304 00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:31,065 [Jeff chuckles] 305 00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:32,483 ...at our house. 306 00:11:32,566 --> 00:11:34,610 [laughter] 307 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,656 Women can make us admit the stuff we had nothing to do with. 308 00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:42,785 Well, it's some kind of magical power that women have over us. 309 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,079 I call it "vagina voodoo." 310 00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:47,164 [laughter] 311 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,999 [applause] 312 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:53,587 Sorry, guys, but that's stronger than any kind of penis power. 313 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,631 [laughter] 314 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,759 But Walter, despite these questionable points in your relationship, 315 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,429 you'd never actually do anything to hurt your marriage or your wife. 316 00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,180 -Oh, no, no, no, of course not. -Okay. 317 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:05,266 However, Achmed has offered. 318 00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,643 [laughter] 319 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:08,644 For a fee. 320 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,812 [chuckles] Walter... 321 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:10,813 -I'm kidding. -Okay. 322 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,481 He's a friend. He'd do it for nothing. 323 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,941 [laughter] 324 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,903 I just hope no one tries to sue me for sexual harassment. 325 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,321 Oh, could there be a problem? 326 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,408 I don't know. Do you remember if I've done anything that could be a problem? 327 00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:25,161 No, but I don't know what you do when I'm not around. 328 00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:26,370 [laughs] 329 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,998 [laughter] 330 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,710 You really need to see somebody about this soon. 331 00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:33,836 [laughter] 332 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,629 It's getting worse every year. 333 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,757 Do you know he goes to group therapy 334 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,717 all by himself? 335 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,760 [laughter] 336 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:44,680 And on this sexual harassment subject, what have you done that's wrong? 337 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,432 Me? Nothing. 338 00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:47,349 Oh, really? 339 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,101 [laughter] 340 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,437 You want to tell everybody what happens on the tour bus 341 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,355 after every single show? 342 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:54,857 The tour bus? 343 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,066 Yeah, we get on the tour bus, 344 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,527 then he strips down naked and takes a shower 345 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,571 while we just sit there. 346 00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:02,239 [laughter] 347 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,532 Think about it. 348 00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:05,576 We're speechless! 349 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,453 [laughter] 350 00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:10,456 And we can't move! 351 00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:12,124 [laughter] 352 00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,587 [cheering and applause] 353 00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:21,133 It's like he's slipped something in our drinks. 354 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,343 [laughter] 355 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:25,179 Oh, no, you're just like Bill Cosby. 356 00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:26,597 [laughter] 357 00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:33,646 Are you two related? 358 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:34,939 No, yeah, yeah. 359 00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:36,690 [imitating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey. 360 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,234 [laughter] 361 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,903 I bet you really are a pervert. 362 00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,613 -[laughter] -A pervert? 363 00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:45,908 Yeah, you ever asked a woman to watch while you worked a puppet? 364 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,077 [laughter] 365 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,957 I really didn't think that wording through, did I? 366 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,875 -No, you didn't. -[laughter] 367 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,293 -Sorry about that. -It's okay. 368 00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,462 -That's funny as hell, though. -What is? 369 00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,006 Your new talking willy. 370 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,633 [laughter] 371 00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,553 -Please stop. -"Hey, how are you doing?" 372 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,263 "I'm doing pretty great, yay!" 373 00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:08,973 [laughter] 374 00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:11,350 -Walter-- -"Aww, what's wrong, little fellow? 375 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,476 You look down. 376 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,894 [laughter] 377 00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:18,941 Come on, why so blue?" 378 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,901 [laughter] 379 00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:27,074 Walter, you realize I try and keep this show PG-13-ish? 380 00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:28,951 Well, we're well into the "ish." 381 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,661 [laughter] 382 00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:35,165 Anyway, Walter, the folks here tonight sounded happy to see you. 383 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,667 Well, thanks for that. 384 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:37,626 Thank you. 385 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,753 [cheering and applause] 386 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:45,718 Hey, you finally got your star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, didn't you? 387 00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:47,887 -I did. Thank you. -[cheering and applause] 388 00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,431 -Thanks. -[whistling] 389 00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:51,348 [Walter chuckles] 390 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:53,225 Yeah, you don't talk about that much. 391 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,310 -No. -I love this. 392 00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:56,103 -Walter... -Hey, Jeff, tell everyone 393 00:14:56,186 --> 00:14:59,356 where your star is on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 394 00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,108 -Walter-- -Is it in front 395 00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,820 of the magnificent, historic Hollywood Theater? 396 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,405 [laughter] 397 00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:07,406 Jeff? 398 00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:09,116 [laughter] 399 00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:10,534 -No. -Is it in front 400 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:14,246 of some famous, expensive Hollywood restaurant? 401 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:16,790 Jeff? 402 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,584 [laughter] 403 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:20,961 -No. -Come on. Tell 'em where it is. 404 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:26,467 -Well, it's in front of-- -It's in front of a CVS Pharmacy! 405 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:27,885 [laughter] 406 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,722 How great is that? 407 00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:33,599 Now I can go look at your star, 408 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:36,143 then go inside and get something for my jock itch. 409 00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:38,354 [laughter] 410 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:39,396 Or your pink eye. 411 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,273 Is that gone yet? You still got that? 412 00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:42,858 [laughter] 413 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:46,153 Is your son still sticking his finger in the dog's butthole? 414 00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:47,613 -[scoffs] What? -[laughter] 415 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,990 -You know, I showed him how to do that. -What? 416 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,659 [laughter] 417 00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,744 But I admit, I did it first. 418 00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,204 [laughter] 419 00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:57,289 -Why did you do that? -I didn't mean to. 420 00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,875 He dug his nose in my crotch one too many times. 421 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,210 [laughter] 422 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,711 -The dog, not your son. -I-- 423 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,421 [laughter] 424 00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,382 But why? 425 00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:09,718 Well, my hand shot out to stop him, but he did a quick 180 and-- 426 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:10,719 [yelps] 427 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,179 [laughter] 428 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:15,474 Yeah, you got pink eye, and he got pink ass. 429 00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:17,434 [laughter] 430 00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,144 You know, Walter, I forgot to ask earlier, 431 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,689 what sexual harassment are you suing your wife for? 432 00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:24,400 Oh, she didn't like the noise I made during sex. 433 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:28,028 -Okay, that's too much information. -Want to hear the noise she didn't like? 434 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,279 -No, we don't. -[clears throat] 435 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,365 -Walter... -"Get off, I'm tired." 436 00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:32,574 [laughter] 437 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,035 [whistling] 438 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,455 -What? -You hurt her feelings. 439 00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:39,707 She hurt my back. 440 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,542 [laughter] 441 00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,211 -That's terrible. -And it has been for years. 442 00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:45,671 [laughter] 443 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,924 -No, I mean, you're terrible. -She's said that to me for years, too. 444 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,134 [laughter] 445 00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:51,510 So, you're saying the sex is bad? 446 00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:52,845 -It didn't used to be. -No? 447 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:53,762 No, it was great. 448 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,723 When we were young, it was like... 449 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,474 I mean, it was like, I don't know... 450 00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:00,561 It was like jumping in a new car and taking it for a ride. 451 00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:01,687 Whoo-hoo! 452 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:02,604 [laughter] 453 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,107 You know, pushing buttons and twisting knobs. 454 00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,984 [laughter] 455 00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:09,319 You get it? It's an analogy, dumbass. 456 00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:11,030 -Yes. -[laughter] 457 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:11,947 We get it. 458 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,615 And that new car smell. 459 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,367 Whoo! Whoo! 460 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,661 [laughter] 461 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,247 -Good Lord. -Uh-oh. 462 00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,916 Slow down, or we'll get to where we're going too fast, 463 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,084 if you know what I'm saying. 464 00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:25,335 -Yes! -[laughter] 465 00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:28,505 But now, almost 50 years later, 466 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,674 it's like getting in that same damn car, 467 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,635 and you barely make it down the effing driveway. 468 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:34,595 [laughter] 469 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:37,431 You get to the point you don't even want to warm her up. 470 00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,515 [laughter] 471 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,309 Sometimes, you've got to choke it. 472 00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,061 -W-- -[laughter] 473 00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:45,856 But usually, I don't even want to pull it out of the garage. 474 00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,483 [laughter] 475 00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:49,568 -I don't know what that means. -They do. 476 00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:50,986 [laughter] 477 00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,323 And she does not like reverse. 478 00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,158 [laughter] 479 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,121 Yes, these well-disguised jokes 480 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:04,374 are how we keep our show family-friendly. 481 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,043 [laughter] 482 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,377 [cheering and applause] 483 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:15,177 I can hear that later, "Daddy, what's wrong with reverse?" 484 00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,678 [laughter] 485 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,388 "I don't know, ask your mother." 486 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,890 [laughter] 487 00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:20,974 And son, be careful, 488 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,769 because in that gear, there is risk of backfiring. 489 00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:25,187 [laughter] 490 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:26,230 Say goodnight, Walter. 491 00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:28,023 Thanks, Dallas! 492 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,859 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 493 00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:35,656 Ladies and gentlemen, 494 00:18:35,739 --> 00:18:37,699 our country is divided right now. 495 00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,911 And it's divided like none of us have ever known. 496 00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:43,580 It's not funny. It's not fun. It's ugly. 497 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,208 So, what is a comedian to do? 498 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:47,960 [laughter] 499 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,754 I don't want to cause division. I don't want to pick sides... 500 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:52,589 [cheering and applause] 501 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:58,554 But you can't ignore the elephant in the room. 502 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,222 [laughter] 503 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,307 So, I've thought about this real hard. 504 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,852 And no matter which side of the aisle you're on, 505 00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:06,770 it's kind of an interesting thought: 506 00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:09,690 What could be the worst possible job 507 00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:12,901 to have in the White House right now under Donald Trump? 508 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,405 Well, you've never heard of him, but he's here this evening. 509 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,115 He kind of works in the shadows. 510 00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:23,078 Please help me welcome the personal advisor to Donald Trump, 511 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,872 my new friend, Larry. 512 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,499 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 513 00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:35,716 [laughter] 514 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,017 -How are you doing? -[screaming] What? 515 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:45,934 [laughter] 516 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,186 -How are you doing? -I'm fine! I'm fine! 517 00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:50,814 Everything's fine! It's all going great! It's all really good! [laughs maniacally] 518 00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:52,482 -[groans] -[laughter] 519 00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:55,903 -Your name's Larry. -Yep. Larry, just frickin' Larry. 520 00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,238 Just Larry, Larry, Larry! 521 00:19:58,322 --> 00:19:59,489 [laughter] 522 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,575 But sometimes he calls me "Bob." But it's not "Bob." 523 00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,452 It's not freaking "Bob." It's just "Larry." 524 00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:04,369 [laughter] 525 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,038 And you're referring to President Trump? 526 00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:07,664 Oh, my God. Is he here? Where? 527 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,249 -No, he's not here. -Oh, okay. 528 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,751 Uh, that would have been shocking. 529 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:11,835 -If he were here? -Yeah. 530 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:14,713 -Why? -Because he didn't tweet about it first. 531 00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:15,797 [laughter] 532 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,633 [groans] 533 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,260 He never stops! I can't leave him for a second. 534 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,012 I turn my back, and he's tweeted again. 535 00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:24,598 He does it from the Oval Office, the front lawn, the back lawn, 536 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:27,768 the side lawn, the lawn-lawn, the kitchen, and the toilet! 537 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,895 Do you know how many times I've begged him 538 00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:32,231 to stop the toilet tweeting? 539 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,982 [laughter] 540 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,777 Oh, look, everybody agreed on something. 541 00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:37,945 [cheering and applause] 542 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:41,990 ♪ Kum ba yah, my Lord ♪ 543 00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:44,159 [Jeff] So, you don't really help him? 544 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,246 Actually, one time I tried to help him by stealing his phone. 545 00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,081 -[Jeff] What happened? -His hair attacked me. 546 00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:49,998 [laughter] 547 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,292 -His hair? -It's alive. 548 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,629 Do you have any influence on what the president tweets? 549 00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:59,800 Are you kidding? I'd have better luck convincing Walter to stop passing gas. 550 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,927 [Walter] It's not gonna happen! 551 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:03,887 [laughter] 552 00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,184 Did that come out of your ass? 553 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,727 -No-- -[laughter] 554 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:12,896 You need to work on that. 555 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:13,855 [laughter] 556 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,191 -Sounds like your ass is talking. -Just-- 557 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,442 [laughter] 558 00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:19,569 So, Larry, how long have you worked for the president? 559 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:20,904 About four hours. 560 00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,990 [laughter] 561 00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:24,449 He hired you four hours ago? 562 00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,911 Well, he fired me before breakfast, then rehired me after lunch. 563 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,080 -Oh. -Have you heard of Taco Tuesdays? 564 00:21:30,163 --> 00:21:32,124 -Yeah. -Trump has Firing Fridays. 565 00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:34,001 [laughter] 566 00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:36,461 And what does Melania say when people get fired? 567 00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:37,879 "Take me with you." 568 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,673 [laughter] 569 00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:46,305 Do you think it's true there might be a problem in Trump's marriage? 570 00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:49,182 Oh, no, no, he just went through a Stormy patch. 571 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,018 [audience] Oh! 572 00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,023 Ah, screw you, that's a good joke! 573 00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:57,774 [laughter] 574 00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,861 And-- and what is your exact job title again? 575 00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,238 Personal Advisor to the President. 576 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,198 -You advise the president? -Yes. 577 00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:06,116 Really? 578 00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:09,953 [inhales] I try. I swear to God, I try. 579 00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:12,372 -How's that going for you? -Look at me! 580 00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:13,498 [laughter] 581 00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:19,463 -You're a little stressed out. -Oh, you think? [laughs maniacally] 582 00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:20,380 [groans] 583 00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:21,298 [laughter] 584 00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:22,883 [inhales] 585 00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:23,842 [laughter] 586 00:22:23,925 --> 00:22:25,677 [exhales] 587 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:27,804 -It's not lit. -No, but I am. 588 00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:29,097 -Oh... -[laughter] 589 00:22:30,223 --> 00:22:32,559 So, Larry, how do you deal with the stress of this job? 590 00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:33,560 Cigarettes. 591 00:22:33,935 --> 00:22:34,770 That's not good. 592 00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,480 -No, not these. -What? 593 00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:39,232 Trump overheard me say, "Let's go smoke some Camels." 594 00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:41,651 -Yeah? -Next thing I know, we're bombing Syria. 595 00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:43,862 [laughter] 596 00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:51,912 I wrote that one. 597 00:22:51,995 --> 00:22:53,580 -Pfft. -[laughter] 598 00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:57,709 Can you explain the latest set of tariffs from the past few weeks? 599 00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,711 Oh, well, um... 600 00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:00,879 Nope. 601 00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:01,880 All right. 602 00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:02,923 [laughter] 603 00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,801 -Anything else we should know about Trump? -Ooh, yeah. [clears throat] 604 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:07,469 President Donald Trump 605 00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:10,222 is the best president this country's ever had. 606 00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,391 -That's a fact. -[Jeff] Mmm. 607 00:23:12,474 --> 00:23:14,059 [cheering and applause] 608 00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:17,020 [booing] 609 00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:18,939 And where did you get that fact? 610 00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:21,024 From President Donald Trump! 611 00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:22,984 [laughter] 612 00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:25,946 No, seriously, the president's actually doing really well, 613 00:23:26,029 --> 00:23:28,824 but you wouldn't know it if you listened to the folks on the other side. 614 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:30,659 -[man] Yeah! -Y-You mean the Democrats? 615 00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,285 Actually, I meant Mexico. 616 00:23:32,369 --> 00:23:34,538 [laughter] 617 00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:37,624 And, as you know, 70 billion dollars-plus 618 00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:40,001 and Mexico is supposed to pay for that wall. 619 00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:41,628 -You don't think it's gonna happen? -No. 620 00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:43,964 -Why not? -There is not a calculator in the world 621 00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:47,634 that can convert 70 billion dollars into frickin' pesos. 622 00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:49,386 [laughter] 623 00:23:49,886 --> 00:23:52,055 We tried, but the calculator melted. 624 00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:53,557 [laughter] 625 00:23:54,891 --> 00:23:56,643 [laughter] 626 00:23:57,811 --> 00:23:59,646 See, the peso isn't worth anything. 627 00:23:59,729 --> 00:24:01,231 [laughter] 628 00:24:01,314 --> 00:24:04,609 I-It's like a million pesos to the dollar. 629 00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,695 [laughter] 630 00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,531 Too many digits for the calculator. 631 00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,491 [laughter] 632 00:24:13,368 --> 00:24:15,704 I think the math folks are in the back. 633 00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:17,247 [laughter] 634 00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:18,165 I'm sorry. 635 00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:20,208 [cheering] 636 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,712 So, Larry, how do you think the majority of Americans 637 00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,380 feel that Trump is doing as president? 638 00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,841 I don't know, it depends on what network you're watching. 639 00:24:27,924 --> 00:24:28,758 -What? -Oh, yeah. 640 00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:31,219 If you're watching CNN or MSNBC, 641 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,389 Donald Trump is Satan and the end of the world is near. 642 00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:36,057 If you're watching Fox, 643 00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:38,185 The Russians didn't interfere with the election. 644 00:24:38,268 --> 00:24:40,729 No, Moses and Jesus rigged that sucker. 645 00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:41,897 [laughter] 646 00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:46,443 Well, Larry, you know, my opinion on Trump-- 647 00:24:46,526 --> 00:24:47,903 Aah! 648 00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:49,029 Keep quiet. 649 00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:52,449 If you say anything good or bad about the president, 650 00:24:52,532 --> 00:24:55,327 half the folks in this room are gonna hate your ass. 651 00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:58,663 Plus, no one cares what you celebrities think. 652 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:02,083 Just because you're famous does not mean you're smart. 653 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,878 No one effing cares. 654 00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:07,339 [cheering and applause] 655 00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:09,132 And that's Larry, The Trump Adviser. 656 00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:10,383 Thank you! 657 00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:12,844 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 658 00:25:16,264 --> 00:25:17,265 Now, for our next guy, 659 00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:19,601 straight from his home parked out back, 660 00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:21,686 please help me welcome, Bubba J. 661 00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,940 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 662 00:25:29,277 --> 00:25:31,780 [Bubba laughs] 663 00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:33,448 How are you doing, Bubba J? 664 00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:35,617 I'm doin' purty good. 665 00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:37,911 [laughter] 666 00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:40,247 So, anything fun been happening lately to you? 667 00:25:40,330 --> 00:25:44,709 Uh, did you hear about the costume party we had at the trailer park last week? 668 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,212 I did. Yeah, now, is this an annual event? 669 00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:49,256 No, but we have it every year. 670 00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,341 [laughter] 671 00:25:52,592 --> 00:25:55,303 I scared the crap out of everybody with my costume. 672 00:25:55,387 --> 00:25:57,597 -Oh, what were you dressed as? -The landlord. 673 00:25:57,931 --> 00:25:59,641 [laughter] 674 00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:01,184 I see. 675 00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,728 That costume party is always a big date night, too. 676 00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:05,772 -A date night? -Yeah, and it works out great, 677 00:26:05,855 --> 00:26:08,900 because if you're wearing a mask, you can't tell if you're related. 678 00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:10,151 [laughs] 679 00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:11,278 [laughter] 680 00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:12,571 Oh, yeah, they get it. 681 00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,948 Chicka-chicka-wow-wow. 682 00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:16,199 [laughter] 683 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,244 Any other fun activities at the trailer park? 684 00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:23,206 Well, once a month, we have a contest called "Guess the Father." 685 00:26:23,623 --> 00:26:25,584 [laughter] 686 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,377 -That's terrible. -No, it's not. 687 00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:30,380 It's fun to walk around going, "Come on. Who's your daddy?" 688 00:26:30,463 --> 00:26:32,841 [laughter] 689 00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:34,676 Anyway, any plans while we're in town? 690 00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:36,928 Is prostitution legal here? 691 00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:40,181 -What? -Achmed said we should hire a hooker. 692 00:26:41,224 --> 00:26:42,851 Bubba J, what about your wife? 693 00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:44,561 Oh, she doesn't work Dallas. 694 00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,813 [laughter] 695 00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:50,525 Hey, speaking of being drunk, 696 00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:53,903 is your son still sticking his finger in the dog's butt? 697 00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:55,739 [laughter] 698 00:26:55,822 --> 00:26:59,117 I was standing there watching. I kept saying, "That ain't right." 699 00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,077 But I was drunk off my ass, 700 00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,829 so it was funnier than hell. 701 00:27:02,912 --> 00:27:04,331 [laughter] 702 00:27:04,414 --> 00:27:07,125 And whoo, the noise that dog made... 703 00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:09,919 I'm sorry to hear about your pink eye. 704 00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:10,962 Thanks. 705 00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:13,256 I have wandering eye. 706 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,259 I could scare the crap out of your little boys. 707 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,512 -Come on. -"Whoa, look what your daddy did to me!" 708 00:27:19,596 --> 00:27:22,807 Ohh! 709 00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:24,726 [laughs] 710 00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:27,937 Bubba J, would you do that to poor little Jack and James? 711 00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:29,314 [laughs] Yeah. 712 00:27:29,397 --> 00:27:30,482 [laughter] 713 00:27:30,565 --> 00:27:32,942 I like that picture of all your kids. 714 00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:35,612 -Yeah? -You should call that your saltine photo. 715 00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:37,989 -Why is that? -It's all your crackers. 716 00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:39,074 [laughs] 717 00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:40,200 [laughter] 718 00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:43,536 You know, Bubba J, to some people that word is very offensive. 719 00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:46,081 I know, that's why everybody else is laughing. 720 00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:48,083 [laughter] 721 00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,919 -That's the way this comedy stuff works. -How's that? 722 00:27:51,002 --> 00:27:54,631 Well, you say something that makes a few uptight a-holes mad, 723 00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:57,217 but all the normal folks who heard the same thing are like, 724 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,177 "Baha-haha-haha." 725 00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:00,720 [laughter] 726 00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:02,597 [cheering and applause] 727 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:08,770 Hey, is your beautiful wife Audrey here tonight? 728 00:28:09,312 --> 00:28:11,481 No, she's not, Bubba J, but thank you for the compliment. 729 00:28:11,564 --> 00:28:13,942 -Sure. -And is your beautiful wife here tonight? 730 00:28:14,025 --> 00:28:17,862 Uh... 731 00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:21,616 -What? -The adjective did not go with the noun. 732 00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:23,451 [laughter] 733 00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:25,662 You're saying your wife is not beautiful? 734 00:28:25,745 --> 00:28:29,374 Well, like today, I've had an awful lot to drink... 735 00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,792 -Yeah? -And it's still no. 736 00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:32,627 -Okay. -[laughter] 737 00:28:33,586 --> 00:28:35,797 -So, how did you meet your wife? -Online. 738 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,258 -Oh, on a dating website? -Yeah. 739 00:28:38,591 --> 00:28:40,677 Uh, ancestry.com. 740 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,262 [laughter] 741 00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:44,264 Bubba J... 742 00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:48,518 Well, it was better than when I accidentally tried Incestry.com. 743 00:28:48,601 --> 00:28:50,478 [laughter and startled gasps] 744 00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:53,606 I felt bad swiping left on my own sister. 745 00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:55,442 [laughter] 746 00:28:59,362 --> 00:29:03,116 But I actually had to swipe twice to get all of her off the screen. 747 00:29:03,199 --> 00:29:04,367 [laughter] 748 00:29:04,451 --> 00:29:05,535 Bubba-- [laughs] 749 00:29:06,661 --> 00:29:07,746 Bubba J! 750 00:29:07,829 --> 00:29:09,372 Okay, it was more than twice. 751 00:29:09,456 --> 00:29:10,665 [laughter] 752 00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:12,459 Swiping, swiping, 753 00:29:12,542 --> 00:29:15,170 swiping, swiping, swiping. 754 00:29:16,212 --> 00:29:17,881 [laughter] 755 00:29:19,090 --> 00:29:21,718 But my sister's uglier than my wife. 756 00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:24,512 -Come on. -Well, she looks like me. 757 00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:27,599 -Oh, come on, do you think you're ugly? -Well, no. 758 00:29:27,682 --> 00:29:30,602 -Well, that's good. -But if I was a girl, hell, yeah. 759 00:29:30,685 --> 00:29:31,811 [laughter] 760 00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:34,564 I've got to say, though, there's nothing wrong with being ugly, 761 00:29:34,647 --> 00:29:36,983 but my sister has got it down. 762 00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:38,818 [laughter] 763 00:29:38,902 --> 00:29:40,320 On a scale of one to ten... 764 00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:43,156 D'aww, I can't do fractions. 765 00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:45,074 [laughter] 766 00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:48,870 How far apart in age are you and your sister? 767 00:29:48,953 --> 00:29:49,954 -We're twins. -Oh. 768 00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:51,581 -Identical twins. -Oh. 769 00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:55,335 Well, wait, you can't be identical if you're a different sex. 770 00:29:55,710 --> 00:29:57,587 -A different sex? -Right. 771 00:29:57,921 --> 00:30:02,091 You mean like when my wife wants to use stuff from my toolbox? 772 00:30:02,175 --> 00:30:03,968 [laughter] 773 00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:07,472 Oh, come on, you know women had cordless power tools 774 00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:09,349 long before men did. 775 00:30:09,682 --> 00:30:11,059 [laughter] 776 00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:12,644 [cheering and applause] 777 00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:18,733 And when she says she loves her Double D's... 778 00:30:18,817 --> 00:30:20,693 -Yeah. -She's talking about batteries. 779 00:30:20,777 --> 00:30:21,611 I got it. 780 00:30:21,694 --> 00:30:23,279 [laughter] 781 00:30:23,947 --> 00:30:27,200 Bubba J, different sex means you're male and your sister's female. 782 00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:29,911 Oh, right, wiener and wiener-free. 783 00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:31,663 [laughter] 784 00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:32,997 Hey, I was thinking about this. 785 00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:34,457 Since a guy has a wiener, 786 00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:37,502 does that mean that technically he could not be a vegan? 787 00:30:38,211 --> 00:30:39,796 [laughter] 788 00:30:42,590 --> 00:30:45,885 Oh, wait, my preggo sister can't be vegan either. 789 00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:46,803 Why not? 790 00:30:46,886 --> 00:30:48,471 [chuckles] Hey, Sis, got milk? 791 00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:50,348 -[laughs] -[laughter] 792 00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:54,310 So, this is the unmarried, not-so-pretty sister? 793 00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:55,854 -Yeah. -Does she have a boyfriend? 794 00:30:55,937 --> 00:30:57,814 -No. -How'd she get pregnant? 795 00:30:57,897 --> 00:31:00,525 She's so stupid, when she robbed a bank... 796 00:31:00,608 --> 00:31:01,442 Yeah? 797 00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:03,778 Turns out it was a sperm bank. 798 00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,488 [laughter] 799 00:31:09,158 --> 00:31:11,160 [laughter] 800 00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,454 Bubba J, how do you... how do you rob a sperm bank? 801 00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:16,916 Well, you start by telling everybody to put their hands up. 802 00:31:17,208 --> 00:31:19,002 [laughter] 803 00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:24,382 Yeah, that's a thinker, right there. 804 00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:25,842 [laughter] 805 00:31:25,925 --> 00:31:26,926 -I guess so. -[chuckles] 806 00:31:27,010 --> 00:31:29,971 You can see some folks explaining it to the other ones. 807 00:31:30,054 --> 00:31:31,472 [laughter] 808 00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:34,392 [Bubba laughs] 809 00:31:34,976 --> 00:31:37,520 "Daddy, Mommy gave birth to me, right?" 810 00:31:37,604 --> 00:31:39,147 "Yeah, but I had a hand in it." 811 00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:41,232 -[laughs] -[laughter] 812 00:31:41,316 --> 00:31:43,776 Bubba J, do ever do anything to help other people? 813 00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:45,445 -Like what? -You ever given blood? 814 00:31:45,528 --> 00:31:47,238 -I gave blood once. -That's good. 815 00:31:47,322 --> 00:31:49,949 Six folks died of alcohol poisoning. 816 00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:51,367 [laughter] 817 00:31:51,951 --> 00:31:53,369 Have you been to the doctor lately? 818 00:31:53,453 --> 00:31:56,664 Yeah, but the doctor's always trying to get me to cut out stuff 819 00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,834 like alcohol, fried food, and sugar. 820 00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:01,002 Okay, so what'd you cut out? 821 00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:02,295 -That doctor. -Oh. 822 00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:04,505 [laughter] 823 00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:06,716 -You ever been to one of those groups? -What groups? 824 00:32:06,799 --> 00:32:10,094 The ones where everyone has drinking and addiction issues. 825 00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:12,430 Oh, you mean like a family reunion? 826 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,682 [laughter] 827 00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:21,940 Bubba J, you're an alcoholic. 828 00:32:22,023 --> 00:32:25,068 -You say that like it's a bad thing. -[laughter] 829 00:32:25,151 --> 00:32:27,362 What is good about "I'm an alcoholic"? 830 00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:28,905 You forgot to say your name. 831 00:32:28,988 --> 00:32:30,740 [laughter] 832 00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:32,575 What? 833 00:32:32,659 --> 00:32:35,411 It should be, "Hi, I'm Jeff, and I'm an alcoholic. 834 00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:37,580 And then we all go, "Hi, Jeff." 835 00:32:37,664 --> 00:32:39,290 -[laughter] -Bubba J-- 836 00:32:39,374 --> 00:32:40,500 Let's try it all together. 837 00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:42,919 "Hi, I'm Jeff, and I'm an alcoholic." 838 00:32:43,002 --> 00:32:44,087 Now, everybody. 839 00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:45,838 [audience] Hi, Jeff. 840 00:32:45,922 --> 00:32:48,341 See? We're all here for you. 841 00:32:48,424 --> 00:32:49,592 [laughter] 842 00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:50,677 Say goodnight, Bubba J. 843 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,679 Thanks, Dallas! 844 00:32:52,762 --> 00:32:55,264 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 845 00:32:59,852 --> 00:33:02,230 He's purple, he's wacky... 846 00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:03,982 [cheering and applause] 847 00:33:04,065 --> 00:33:05,358 And he's not wearing pants. 848 00:33:05,441 --> 00:33:08,653 Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut. 849 00:33:09,278 --> 00:33:11,489 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 850 00:33:17,954 --> 00:33:19,539 -[Peanut laughs] -How you doing, Peanut? 851 00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:21,332 -Doing pretty good. How about you? -I'm fine. 852 00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:23,584 [stuttering] That's good! 853 00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:24,544 [laughs] 854 00:33:24,627 --> 00:33:25,628 [laughter] 855 00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:27,880 And with me here now, I want to tell everyone 856 00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:30,216 that we are not gonna talk about politics anymore. 857 00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:32,260 -No? -No! You did that enough with Larry. 858 00:33:32,343 --> 00:33:33,803 -But with me, no more! -Okay. 859 00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:37,515 No talking about race, religion, border stuff, sexual orientation, 860 00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:39,017 LGBT, L-M-N-O-P. 861 00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:39,976 None of that! 862 00:33:40,059 --> 00:33:41,227 [laughter] 863 00:33:41,310 --> 00:33:42,937 -Okay. -And we should judge 864 00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:45,606 not by skin color or anything else, 865 00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:47,650 but by character and actions. 866 00:33:47,734 --> 00:33:49,193 -Sounds good. -Unless... 867 00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:50,611 [cheering and applause] 868 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,530 -Unless? -Unless, you are what you are. 869 00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,657 -What's that? -An older white male. 870 00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:56,492 [laughter] 871 00:33:56,576 --> 00:33:57,577 What's wrong with that? 872 00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:59,370 Dude, you guys suck. 873 00:33:59,454 --> 00:34:00,830 [laughter] 874 00:34:00,913 --> 00:34:01,748 Why? 875 00:34:01,831 --> 00:34:05,084 Everything bad that's happening is your fault. 876 00:34:05,710 --> 00:34:07,128 -What is? -All of it! 877 00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:10,256 What happened to not judging someone by their skin color? 878 00:34:10,339 --> 00:34:12,550 Of course you can't judge by skin color. 879 00:34:12,633 --> 00:34:14,552 -Okay. -Unless you're an old white dude. 880 00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:15,470 [laughter] 881 00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:17,472 -What? -You're going to hell. 882 00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:18,848 [laughter] 883 00:34:19,307 --> 00:34:21,893 Are you doing anything to make this world a better place? 884 00:34:21,976 --> 00:34:23,019 I make folks laugh. 885 00:34:23,102 --> 00:34:25,229 No, I make folks laugh. 886 00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:27,065 [cheering and applause] 887 00:34:31,986 --> 00:34:33,946 You are just my caddie. 888 00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:35,782 [laughter] 889 00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:37,742 Caddie? And what am I carrying? 890 00:34:37,825 --> 00:34:40,286 -Me, in the suitcase. -[laughter] 891 00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:41,454 -Yeah. -Oops. 892 00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:43,247 -What? -Uh, hang on. 893 00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:44,957 -What happened? -This came loose. 894 00:34:45,041 --> 00:34:47,168 What the... What the fuck are you doing over here? 895 00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:48,377 [laughter] 896 00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:49,796 -What came loose? -Listen. 897 00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:51,589 -What? -A little technical problem. Hold on. 898 00:34:51,672 --> 00:34:53,091 -What the hell? -[laughter] 899 00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:54,258 What are you doing?! 900 00:34:54,592 --> 00:34:56,552 -This came loose. -What came loose?! 901 00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,346 -This. -[screams] 902 00:34:58,429 --> 00:35:00,014 [laughter] 903 00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:03,226 What the hell is that? 904 00:35:03,935 --> 00:35:05,311 That's how I work your arm. 905 00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:06,896 Is that a stick? 906 00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:08,314 -[laughs] Yeah. -[laughter] 907 00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:11,609 Wow, I guess José and I have a lot more in common than I thought. 908 00:35:11,692 --> 00:35:13,694 [laughter] 909 00:35:14,195 --> 00:35:16,531 Wait, look, I can do an impression of a monster. 910 00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:18,116 -What? -[groaning] 911 00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:19,033 [laughter] 912 00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:20,159 -[groans] -Ow! 913 00:35:20,243 --> 00:35:21,577 [laughter] 914 00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,121 Oh, shit, I got pink eye. 915 00:35:23,204 --> 00:35:25,665 [laughter and applause] 916 00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:33,589 Hey, is your son still sticking his finger in the dog's butt hole? 917 00:35:33,673 --> 00:35:34,882 -Peanut! -[laughter] 918 00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:37,760 You should have heard the noise that dog made. 919 00:35:38,427 --> 00:35:39,428 [high-pitched bark] 920 00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:41,305 [laughter] 921 00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:43,599 -[high-pitched bark] -Stop it. 922 00:35:43,683 --> 00:35:44,809 [laughter] 923 00:35:45,351 --> 00:35:46,769 -Don't-- -[high-pitched bark] 924 00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:47,854 -[laughter] -Peanut-- 925 00:35:47,937 --> 00:35:49,522 [high-pitched barking] 926 00:35:49,605 --> 00:35:50,439 Stop it. 927 00:35:50,523 --> 00:35:52,066 [laughter] 928 00:35:53,901 --> 00:35:54,735 Who is that? [barks] 929 00:35:54,819 --> 00:35:56,237 -Stop it! -[laughter] 930 00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:57,155 He's walking away. 931 00:35:57,238 --> 00:35:58,990 [barking] 932 00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:00,074 [laughter] 933 00:36:03,369 --> 00:36:05,246 [continues barking] 934 00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:06,497 [laughter] 935 00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:10,668 -Look out, here he comes! [screams] -Stop it! 936 00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:12,378 [laughter] 937 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:15,423 [cheering] 938 00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:17,592 -What if that becomes your son's thing? -What? 939 00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:20,178 Sticking his finger in an animal's butt for fun? 940 00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:21,888 -[laughter] -Think of the other animals. 941 00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:22,847 A cow... 942 00:36:22,930 --> 00:36:24,682 [moos] 943 00:36:24,765 --> 00:36:25,683 [laughter] 944 00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:26,601 A chicken... 945 00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:28,102 -[clucking] -[laughter] 946 00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:29,395 A guy who doesn't mind... 947 00:36:29,478 --> 00:36:30,313 "Oh." 948 00:36:30,396 --> 00:36:32,106 [laughter] 949 00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:39,155 -[high-pitched bark] -Stop it. 950 00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:42,408 Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff. Am I harassing you... 951 00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:44,076 [laughter] 952 00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:46,037 sexually? 953 00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:47,413 [laughter] 954 00:36:47,830 --> 00:36:50,124 Sexually? 955 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,250 [laughter] 956 00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:54,128 [laughter continues] 957 00:36:57,924 --> 00:36:59,091 Oh, that's hot. 958 00:36:59,175 --> 00:37:01,052 -Stop it. -[laughter] 959 00:37:02,345 --> 00:37:04,722 That sexual harassment stuff's getting pretty bad. 960 00:37:04,805 --> 00:37:07,058 -Yes, it is. -What's gonna come out about you? 961 00:37:07,141 --> 00:37:08,184 Me? Nothing. 962 00:37:08,267 --> 00:37:09,769 -Oh, I don't know. -What? 963 00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:12,146 A bunch of other comedians you worked with, coming forward. 964 00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:14,523 "He made his voice come out of my butt." 965 00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:15,775 -[laughter] -Peanut... 966 00:37:15,858 --> 00:37:17,818 "And it gets worse. He made it echo." 967 00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:20,196 [echoing] "Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole..." 968 00:37:20,279 --> 00:37:21,572 [laughter] 969 00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:24,033 Peanut, I want to remind you of something. 970 00:37:24,116 --> 00:37:25,618 -I should remind myself, too. -What? 971 00:37:25,701 --> 00:37:27,954 Well, when I stepped out of the spotlight to get you, 972 00:37:28,037 --> 00:37:29,914 I-I could see more of the crowd than earlier. 973 00:37:29,997 --> 00:37:33,751 There's a few more younger folks here this evening than I realized. 974 00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:36,254 -Yeah. -So, considering the way things are today, 975 00:37:36,337 --> 00:37:39,173 we might want to consider, uh, using the appropriate language. 976 00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:42,760 Oh, okay. So, we're gonna do the rest of the show in Spanish. 977 00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:44,845 [laughter] 978 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:47,223 [cheering and applause] 979 00:37:49,308 --> 00:37:50,142 That's... 980 00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:52,895 That's not exactly what I meant. 981 00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,231 Oh, we could tweet the whole thing in Spanish. 982 00:37:55,439 --> 00:37:56,732 Well, tweet... tweet... 983 00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:57,650 [chuckles] 984 00:37:57,733 --> 00:37:58,818 [laughter] 985 00:37:58,901 --> 00:38:00,611 -You all right? -I'm fine. [laughs] 986 00:38:01,028 --> 00:38:02,780 -What the hell was that? -I don't know. 987 00:38:02,863 --> 00:38:05,491 That was really weird. It's like you had a stroke there for a second. 988 00:38:05,574 --> 00:38:06,409 [laughter] 989 00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:08,995 Hey, how come me and the other guys all speak perfectly, 990 00:38:09,078 --> 00:38:10,496 but you keep screwing up? 991 00:38:10,579 --> 00:38:12,248 [laughter] 992 00:38:12,748 --> 00:38:15,584 Dude, it's like you had a stroke, and then you stuttered. 993 00:38:16,168 --> 00:38:18,045 Oh, now that would be funny as hell. 994 00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:20,715 A stuttering ventriloquist? 995 00:38:20,798 --> 00:38:21,674 [laughter] 996 00:38:21,757 --> 00:38:23,426 We would never get anything done. 997 00:38:23,509 --> 00:38:26,220 You couldn't even get out the most basic of jokes. 998 00:38:26,637 --> 00:38:28,723 [stuttering] Kn-Knock, knock. Kn-Knock, knock. 999 00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:30,850 Kn-- Kn-Knock, kn-knock, kn-knock, knock. 1000 00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,393 Kn-- Kn-Knock, kn-knock, knock. 1001 00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,603 Kn-- kn-knock-- kn-knock-- kn-knock-- kn-knock-- 1002 00:38:34,687 --> 00:38:36,605 Answer the fucking door! 1003 00:38:36,689 --> 00:38:37,648 [laughter] 1004 00:38:38,941 --> 00:38:40,776 [cheering and applause] 1005 00:38:42,820 --> 00:38:43,654 I'm sorry. 1006 00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:45,239 [laughter and applause] 1007 00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:48,617 What? 1008 00:38:49,243 --> 00:38:51,037 -The cursing. -Oh, damn. 1009 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:52,371 Crap. Fuck. Sorry! 1010 00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:53,956 [laughter] 1011 00:38:58,544 --> 00:39:00,963 -Like I said, there are kids watching. -I got it. 1012 00:39:02,214 --> 00:39:03,049 Kids... 1013 00:39:03,924 --> 00:39:04,884 don't say "fuck"... 1014 00:39:04,967 --> 00:39:05,801 Peanut! 1015 00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:06,927 [laughter] 1016 00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:08,763 [cheering and applause] 1017 00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:12,058 ...at home. 1018 00:39:12,141 --> 00:39:13,976 [laughter] 1019 00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:16,270 Even at school, where you learned it in the first place. 1020 00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:17,188 Will you... 1021 00:39:17,271 --> 00:39:19,231 [cheering and applause] 1022 00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:20,608 [laughs] 1023 00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:23,611 Peanut, I just want to note something here. 1024 00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:24,862 You do know you lost a shoe? 1025 00:39:24,945 --> 00:39:26,364 -What? -Y-You lost a shoe. 1026 00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:27,531 No dude, I found one. 1027 00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:29,033 [laughs] 1028 00:39:29,116 --> 00:39:29,950 Oh! 1029 00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:31,410 [laughter] 1030 00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:46,175 What the fuck happened?! 1031 00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:47,927 [laughter] 1032 00:39:50,054 --> 00:39:51,389 It's not funny! 1033 00:39:51,472 --> 00:39:52,765 [laughter] 1034 00:39:53,307 --> 00:39:54,600 And why?! 1035 00:39:54,683 --> 00:39:55,643 [laughter] 1036 00:39:55,726 --> 00:39:57,019 Are you high? 1037 00:39:57,561 --> 00:40:00,064 -No. -Then you should practice more often. 1038 00:40:01,148 --> 00:40:02,608 This is not that hard. 1039 00:40:02,691 --> 00:40:04,026 [laughter] 1040 00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:06,904 Just move your hand and hang on. 1041 00:40:06,987 --> 00:40:08,030 Okay! 1042 00:40:08,114 --> 00:40:09,281 [laughter] 1043 00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:15,371 Oh, was it the lotions? 1044 00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:16,414 [laughter] 1045 00:40:22,002 --> 00:40:23,754 -Focus. -I got it! 1046 00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:25,214 [laughter] 1047 00:40:25,297 --> 00:40:27,425 What do you call that, a ventriloquist fumble? 1048 00:40:27,508 --> 00:40:29,176 -Pff-- [laughs] -[laughter] 1049 00:40:30,177 --> 00:40:31,887 Seriously, who does that? 1050 00:40:33,055 --> 00:40:35,057 You threw your doll. 1051 00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:36,142 [laughter] 1052 00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:37,852 You're like a kid with emotional problems. 1053 00:40:37,935 --> 00:40:41,147 You talk to yourself and you throw your fucking doll! 1054 00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:42,648 [laughter] 1055 00:40:43,482 --> 00:40:45,067 [laughter] 1056 00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:49,071 Do your boys watch our shows? 1057 00:40:49,155 --> 00:40:50,239 Yes, they do. 1058 00:40:51,031 --> 00:40:53,117 -Do they say curse words? -No, they don't. 1059 00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:54,285 They will now. 1060 00:40:54,368 --> 00:40:55,536 [laughter] 1061 00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:57,496 The cool part is, they'll say the F-bomb, 1062 00:40:57,580 --> 00:40:59,790 but when they do, they won't move their lips. 1063 00:40:59,874 --> 00:41:01,500 [laughter] 1064 00:41:05,045 --> 00:41:07,756 That's awesome. You'll be at a parent-teacher conference, 1065 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:11,135 "Sir, Mr. Dunham, your sons are cursing in class." 1066 00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:13,262 And then you'll be like, "Did they move their lips?" 1067 00:41:13,345 --> 00:41:15,139 And the teacher will say, "Well, no." 1068 00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:18,017 And then you'll go, "Then how the fuck do you know?" 1069 00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:19,977 [laughter] 1070 00:41:22,062 --> 00:41:23,355 Oh, no, wait! It'll be... 1071 00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:25,441 "Then how the fuck do you know?" 1072 00:41:25,524 --> 00:41:26,775 [laughter] 1073 00:41:27,526 --> 00:41:29,487 [cheering and applause] 1074 00:41:31,489 --> 00:41:34,283 -Say goodnight, Peanut. -Thanks, everybody! 1075 00:41:34,366 --> 00:41:36,243 [cheering and applause] 1076 00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:39,163 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait a minute. 1077 00:41:39,663 --> 00:41:40,789 Wait a second! 1078 00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:46,128 -You know who I haven't seen in a while? -Who? 1079 00:41:46,212 --> 00:41:47,505 -José. -That's right. 1080 00:41:47,588 --> 00:41:49,590 [cheering and applause] 1081 00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:55,638 José, the jalapeño on a stick. 1082 00:41:55,721 --> 00:41:57,181 -[cheering] -Yep. 1083 00:41:57,264 --> 00:41:59,058 Come to think of it, I haven't seen him much 1084 00:41:59,141 --> 00:42:00,351 since Trump was elected. 1085 00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:01,560 [laughs] 1086 00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:03,687 [laughter] 1087 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:05,773 You going to get him out? 1088 00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:07,483 Well, you know, Peanut, 1089 00:42:07,566 --> 00:42:09,610 in today's politically correct climate, 1090 00:42:09,693 --> 00:42:11,445 there are a few people who think it's not okay 1091 00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:13,405 for me to even be talking to José. 1092 00:42:15,824 --> 00:42:17,618 [booing] 1093 00:42:19,578 --> 00:42:22,206 [audience chanting] José! José! José! 1094 00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:24,708 -José! José! José! -[laughs] 1095 00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:26,752 All right, hang on. Hang on. 1096 00:42:27,127 --> 00:42:29,505 There were some serious discussions, 1097 00:42:29,588 --> 00:42:31,924 and I think I treat José with respect. 1098 00:42:33,050 --> 00:42:33,968 And, uh... 1099 00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:35,511 I say we take a vote. 1100 00:42:36,595 --> 00:42:37,805 -What? -Hell, yes. 1101 00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:39,640 [cheering and applause] 1102 00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:42,226 Okay, here we go. 1103 00:42:42,309 --> 00:42:44,853 Who does not want to see José Jalapeño 1104 00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:47,189 and thinks we should not have him in the show? 1105 00:42:47,273 --> 00:42:48,357 [silence] 1106 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,483 [laughs] 1107 00:42:50,234 --> 00:42:54,029 Okay, then who does want to see José Jalapeño out here tonight? 1108 00:42:54,113 --> 00:42:55,698 [cheering and applause] 1109 00:42:57,157 --> 00:42:58,033 [Jeff laughs] 1110 00:42:59,868 --> 00:43:02,162 Well, if this was being reported, 1111 00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:04,582 like one of many of the news outlets today, 1112 00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:06,875 they would say that was really close. 1113 00:43:06,959 --> 00:43:08,377 [laughter] 1114 00:43:14,633 --> 00:43:16,677 I guess José is in. He's actually right here. 1115 00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,721 Check it out. Look, look, look, look, look! 1116 00:43:18,804 --> 00:43:20,514 [cheering and applause] 1117 00:43:24,643 --> 00:43:25,477 Are you ready? 1118 00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:26,562 Sí, señor. 1119 00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:29,857 Okay, for the folks who might not know, tell them who you are. 1120 00:43:29,940 --> 00:43:31,567 -My name José. -José what? 1121 00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:33,277 José Jalapeño... 1122 00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:34,194 Right. 1123 00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:35,738 -...on a stick. -Mm-hmm. 1124 00:43:35,821 --> 00:43:37,573 [cheering and applause] 1125 00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:40,492 José, Peanut thinks you've been hiding because you're frightened of Trump. 1126 00:43:40,576 --> 00:43:42,578 No, señor. I was stuck in the trunk 1127 00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:45,414 because idiot Walter built a wall in there. 1128 00:43:45,497 --> 00:43:47,082 [laughter] 1129 00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:51,211 -Walter built a wall in the trunk? -Sí. 1130 00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:53,005 So, when you close the trunk, 1131 00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:54,923 it's like shutting down the border. 1132 00:43:55,257 --> 00:43:56,800 [laughter] 1133 00:43:57,676 --> 00:44:00,262 [Walter laughing] 1134 00:44:00,346 --> 00:44:01,972 [laughter] 1135 00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:05,351 -Dude, is your ass laughing? -N-No. 1136 00:44:05,434 --> 00:44:06,602 [laughter] 1137 00:44:06,685 --> 00:44:08,520 You've got pink eye and laughing ass. 1138 00:44:08,604 --> 00:44:09,813 [laughter] 1139 00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:11,482 -[high-pitched bark] -Stop it! 1140 00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:12,900 [laughter] 1141 00:44:14,693 --> 00:44:16,362 You're so cute when you're angry. 1142 00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:18,364 [laughter] 1143 00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:23,786 José, you told me earlier today you wanted to tell us something important. 1144 00:44:23,869 --> 00:44:24,703 Sí, señor. 1145 00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:26,205 I hate to have to say this, 1146 00:44:26,288 --> 00:44:28,082 but I want to leave the show. 1147 00:44:28,165 --> 00:44:29,041 [gasps] Yes! 1148 00:44:29,124 --> 00:44:31,377 Wait a minute. What do you mean you want to leave the show? 1149 00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:32,961 Hold on. I think I know what he means. 1150 00:44:33,045 --> 00:44:35,798 I think he means he wants to leave the show. 1151 00:44:35,881 --> 00:44:37,132 [laughter] 1152 00:44:37,216 --> 00:44:38,759 José would have said that in Spanish, 1153 00:44:38,842 --> 00:44:41,762 but, out of all three of us, only José knows that language. 1154 00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:43,389 [laughter] 1155 00:44:46,308 --> 00:44:49,687 I am not kidding. José can speak Spanish that Jeff cannot. 1156 00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:51,939 It's the weirdest fucking thing. 1157 00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:53,607 [laughter] 1158 00:44:54,316 --> 00:44:55,901 -Language. -Oh! Sorry. 1159 00:44:55,984 --> 00:44:57,820 It's the weirdest el fucking thingo. 1160 00:44:57,903 --> 00:44:58,862 [laughter] 1161 00:45:04,034 --> 00:45:05,577 José, why do you want to leave the show? 1162 00:45:05,661 --> 00:45:06,704 He can't leave the show. 1163 00:45:06,787 --> 00:45:07,788 Exactly. We need you. 1164 00:45:07,871 --> 00:45:09,790 No, I mean he actually can't leave the show. 1165 00:45:09,873 --> 00:45:11,250 -Why not? -He doesn't have any legs. 1166 00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:13,210 -[laughs] -[laughter] 1167 00:45:13,293 --> 00:45:14,753 All I need is my stick. 1168 00:45:15,879 --> 00:45:17,673 ...At least, that's what your mother said. 1169 00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:19,758 [audience] Oh! 1170 00:45:22,553 --> 00:45:23,971 What the hell? 1171 00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:24,888 [laughter] 1172 00:45:24,972 --> 00:45:27,266 You know, you could try and leave, but you'd fall down. 1173 00:45:27,349 --> 00:45:29,935 Then you'd be José Jalapeno on the floor. 1174 00:45:30,018 --> 00:45:31,311 [laughter] 1175 00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:32,396 With your mother. 1176 00:45:32,479 --> 00:45:34,481 [audience] Oh! 1177 00:45:36,191 --> 00:45:37,025 Wait! 1178 00:45:37,109 --> 00:45:39,778 And then, I would probably step on it and break his stick. 1179 00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:43,282 Then he'd be José Jalapeño with a broken stick on the floor. 1180 00:45:45,659 --> 00:45:46,952 [laughter] 1181 00:45:47,035 --> 00:45:48,996 Another mother joke, José? 1182 00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:51,874 No, this time it was your sister. 1183 00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:54,209 -Wh-- -[surprised laughter] 1184 00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:56,545 What the hell? I'm gonna kick his ass! 1185 00:45:56,628 --> 00:45:57,588 I don't have an ass. 1186 00:45:57,671 --> 00:45:59,506 Or "stick," or whatever the hell there is there. 1187 00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:00,883 -Peanut-- -Come on! 1188 00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:03,469 Come to think of it, I say you can't get away, 1189 00:46:03,552 --> 00:46:05,345 but maybe that stick is actually a wooden leg. 1190 00:46:05,429 --> 00:46:07,473 So, then he's José Jalapeño on a wooden leg. 1191 00:46:07,556 --> 00:46:10,017 But, no, a leg always has a knee. There's no knee on that stick. 1192 00:46:10,100 --> 00:46:12,644 There could be if they cut the stick in half and put a hinge on it. 1193 00:46:12,728 --> 00:46:16,523 But then his name would be José Jalapeño on two halves of the stick with a hinge. 1194 00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:18,275 [cheering] 1195 00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:20,360 [applause] 1196 00:46:20,486 --> 00:46:22,738 Doesn't exactly roll off your tongue, does it? 1197 00:46:22,821 --> 00:46:23,781 [laughter] 1198 00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,365 No, but your sister did. 1199 00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:27,242 -Hey! -[laughter] 1200 00:46:27,326 --> 00:46:28,827 [applause] 1201 00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,164 What the hell? 1202 00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,666 José, why do you want to quit the show? 1203 00:46:34,750 --> 00:46:35,834 I've been living a lie. 1204 00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,127 A lie! I knew it. 1205 00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:38,796 He's Mexican and he's gay. 1206 00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:39,880 [laughter] 1207 00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:40,923 Mexican and gay. 1208 00:46:41,006 --> 00:46:43,467 Now, that is a party I would go to. 1209 00:46:44,301 --> 00:46:46,804 La cucaracha! 1210 00:46:46,887 --> 00:46:48,639 [laughter] 1211 00:46:48,722 --> 00:46:50,474 José, are you unhappy about something? 1212 00:46:50,557 --> 00:46:53,143 This is a nice job, but it's not my dream. 1213 00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:54,061 What is your dream? 1214 00:46:54,144 --> 00:46:56,104 -I want to be-- -Wait, I got it! 1215 00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:57,981 -What? -He wants to change ethnicities 1216 00:46:58,065 --> 00:46:58,941 and be white. 1217 00:46:59,399 --> 00:47:01,610 That's ridiculous, impossible, and insulting. 1218 00:47:01,693 --> 00:47:04,446 No, it's not. He already has a stick up his ass, so he's halfway there. 1219 00:47:04,530 --> 00:47:06,698 -[laughs] -[surprised laughter] 1220 00:47:06,782 --> 00:47:08,992 I did a white joke. Yes! 1221 00:47:09,076 --> 00:47:10,285 [laughter] 1222 00:47:10,369 --> 00:47:12,371 Even the crackers love that joke. 1223 00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:13,956 [laughter] 1224 00:47:14,623 --> 00:47:17,000 And the Mexicans and the gay Mexicans. 1225 00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:19,837 I like a spicy taco. 1226 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:21,880 [laughter] 1227 00:47:21,964 --> 00:47:24,466 Oh, wait, gay guys don't like tacos. 1228 00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:26,009 [laughter] 1229 00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:33,684 For those of you who didn't get that joke, 1230 00:47:33,767 --> 00:47:36,478 someone will explain it to you on the way home. 1231 00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:38,063 [laughter] 1232 00:47:38,146 --> 00:47:40,274 -Peanut. -Do not ask for a photo. 1233 00:47:40,357 --> 00:47:41,191 Peanut! 1234 00:47:41,275 --> 00:47:42,568 [laughter] 1235 00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:44,528 It's not a normal selfie. 1236 00:47:44,611 --> 00:47:45,654 [laughter] 1237 00:47:45,737 --> 00:47:47,614 It's more of a Snapchat. 1238 00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:49,283 [laughter] 1239 00:47:49,366 --> 00:47:50,701 It's kitty cat. 1240 00:47:50,909 --> 00:47:51,994 [laughter] 1241 00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:52,911 [meows] 1242 00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:53,912 Peanut! 1243 00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:55,038 [laughter] 1244 00:47:55,122 --> 00:47:56,039 [yells] Okay! 1245 00:47:56,957 --> 00:47:58,959 This is so wrong, because no woman's gonna say... 1246 00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:00,377 "Make it talk." 1247 00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:01,753 [laughter] 1248 00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:03,755 -Peanut. -Although, that would be quite a thing. 1249 00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:06,425 -Please stop. -You could make it go, "Meow." 1250 00:48:06,508 --> 00:48:08,302 [laughter] 1251 00:48:08,385 --> 00:48:10,345 Be careful of the ones that go... [hisses] 1252 00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:12,431 [laughter] 1253 00:48:12,514 --> 00:48:15,350 Sorry, José. Will you please tell us what you want to do with your life? 1254 00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:18,103 I want to be an astronaut. 1255 00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:21,690 [Peanut laughs] 1256 00:48:21,773 --> 00:48:23,483 [laughs dramatically] 1257 00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:24,484 [laughter] 1258 00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:25,986 -Peanut... -No, no, this is great. 1259 00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:27,195 José the Astronaut. 1260 00:48:27,279 --> 00:48:29,323 And it would be great if they made a space shuttle 1261 00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:30,365 with a clutch. 1262 00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:32,326 -Why? -José could be the stick. 1263 00:48:32,409 --> 00:48:34,161 -[laughs] -[laughter] 1264 00:48:34,244 --> 00:48:36,121 Peanut, why are you always picking on José? 1265 00:48:36,204 --> 00:48:37,414 -I dont know. -Are you a bully? 1266 00:48:37,497 --> 00:48:38,999 -No. -Is he, José? 1267 00:48:39,082 --> 00:48:40,459 -No, señor. -Sí. 1268 00:48:40,542 --> 00:48:41,543 He's an asshole... 1269 00:48:41,627 --> 00:48:43,003 [laughter] 1270 00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:44,755 -...on a stick. -Say goodnight, you guys. 1271 00:48:44,838 --> 00:48:47,090 -I'm Peanut. -I am José Jalapeño. 1272 00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:48,175 There they go! 1273 00:48:48,258 --> 00:48:50,928 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 1274 00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:54,848 All right. 1275 00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:57,976 I think you guys know who is next. 1276 00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:00,812 [cheering] 1277 00:49:00,896 --> 00:49:02,773 Please help me welcome the most beloved terrorist 1278 00:49:02,856 --> 00:49:05,651 throughout the world, Achmed the Dead Terrorist. 1279 00:49:06,068 --> 00:49:08,236 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 1280 00:49:13,909 --> 00:49:15,035 [Achmed laughs] 1281 00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:19,081 Good evening, Texas infidels! 1282 00:49:19,164 --> 00:49:21,458 [cheering and applause] 1283 00:49:23,377 --> 00:49:24,211 How are you, Achmed? 1284 00:49:24,294 --> 00:49:26,463 Wait, wait, before we get started, I have a question. 1285 00:49:26,546 --> 00:49:27,589 -Yes? -Was it bad 1286 00:49:27,673 --> 00:49:31,009 that I unplugged my cousin's life support to charge my phone? 1287 00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:33,136 [laughter] 1288 00:49:33,220 --> 00:49:35,681 -Are you kidding? -No, I was at three percent. 1289 00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:39,059 -What about your cousin? -He's now at zero percent. 1290 00:49:39,142 --> 00:49:40,727 [laughter] 1291 00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:43,647 Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Achmed. And how'd he end up on life support? 1292 00:49:43,730 --> 00:49:46,858 Well, my uncle said, "Pull my finger," and they both exploded. 1293 00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:47,776 [laughter] 1294 00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:48,944 It's not funny! 1295 00:49:49,027 --> 00:49:50,237 [laughter] 1296 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:51,655 Don't make me say it. 1297 00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:53,240 [man] I kill you! 1298 00:49:54,741 --> 00:49:56,743 [cheering] 1299 00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:00,205 I'm not ready. 1300 00:50:00,497 --> 00:50:01,832 [laughter] 1301 00:50:01,915 --> 00:50:04,209 Hey, you want to know the joke I pull on folks 1302 00:50:04,292 --> 00:50:05,752 when they're in the hospital? 1303 00:50:06,169 --> 00:50:09,131 A joke? What do you do to people in the hospital? 1304 00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:12,968 The ringtone on my phone is the same noise as the heart monitor when you die. 1305 00:50:13,051 --> 00:50:14,261 [laughter] 1306 00:50:14,344 --> 00:50:16,054 -What? -Yeah, I stand next to their bed, 1307 00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:17,889 my phone rings, and all everyone hears is... 1308 00:50:17,973 --> 00:50:20,726 [flatline beep] 1309 00:50:21,018 --> 00:50:22,019 Then I answer, 1310 00:50:22,227 --> 00:50:24,604 "Oh, you just missed him." 1311 00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:26,231 [laughter] 1312 00:50:27,149 --> 00:50:29,651 -That's a little dark. -Look who you're talking to. 1313 00:50:29,735 --> 00:50:30,861 [laughter] 1314 00:50:30,944 --> 00:50:32,487 Oh, wait, when my cousin died, 1315 00:50:32,571 --> 00:50:34,322 -you should have been there. -Why? 1316 00:50:34,406 --> 00:50:36,533 You could have made him talk one last time. 1317 00:50:36,783 --> 00:50:37,951 [laughter] 1318 00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:40,328 Oh, wait, that is genius. 1319 00:50:40,412 --> 00:50:43,832 You should hang around funeral homes and scare the crap out of folks. 1320 00:50:43,915 --> 00:50:45,125 [laughter] 1321 00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:46,668 Or even at the funeral. 1322 00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:49,129 "Dearly beloved, here lies Uncle Charlie..." 1323 00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:50,756 "I'm not dead yet." 1324 00:50:50,839 --> 00:50:52,591 [laughter] 1325 00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:55,844 Best YouTube video ever. 1326 00:50:56,261 --> 00:50:57,554 [evil laugh] 1327 00:50:58,055 --> 00:50:59,556 -Are you a good father? -Of course. 1328 00:50:59,639 --> 00:51:01,933 But sometimes I get very angry with my kids, 1329 00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:03,977 and I tell them I'm going to kill them. 1330 00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:05,437 That's not good. 1331 00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:07,647 I don't know, coming from me it's kind of effective. 1332 00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:09,232 [laughter] 1333 00:51:09,316 --> 00:51:10,650 And what do you say, exactly? 1334 00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:13,904 "Either go do your homework or take my backpack to the market. 1335 00:51:13,987 --> 00:51:14,946 Your choice!" 1336 00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:16,615 [laughter] 1337 00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,911 So, Achmed, we've been talking a bit about politics tonight, 1338 00:51:20,994 --> 00:51:22,954 and you've been in this country a long time now. 1339 00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:26,792 Politically, if you were a citizen here, would you go Democratic or Republican? 1340 00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:29,169 Oh, yikes, those are my choices? 1341 00:51:29,252 --> 00:51:31,046 [laughter] 1342 00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:32,964 I'd like to buy a vowel, please. 1343 00:51:33,048 --> 00:51:34,508 [laughter] 1344 00:51:35,425 --> 00:51:37,344 But seriously, would you ever consider politics? 1345 00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:38,929 If you could, would you run for office? 1346 00:51:39,012 --> 00:51:42,307 No, no! I run from an office after I set the timer. 1347 00:51:42,390 --> 00:51:43,391 [laughter] 1348 00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:45,060 That's my job. Stop laughing! 1349 00:51:45,143 --> 00:51:46,812 [laughter] 1350 00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:48,188 Not yet. 1351 00:51:48,271 --> 00:51:49,898 [laughter] 1352 00:51:50,607 --> 00:51:52,609 And that's another thing that's pissing me off. 1353 00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:54,528 -What? -My 72 virgins 1354 00:51:54,611 --> 00:51:56,947 have all now joined the Me Too movement. 1355 00:51:57,030 --> 00:51:57,864 [laughter] 1356 00:51:57,948 --> 00:51:59,991 I can't even call them virgins anymore. 1357 00:52:00,075 --> 00:52:01,076 -No? -No! 1358 00:52:01,159 --> 00:52:02,911 -I see. -Now they insist on being called 1359 00:52:02,994 --> 00:52:05,831 "the 72 consenting, strong women of character... 1360 00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:08,166 blah-di-fucking-blah, blah, blah..." 1361 00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:09,626 [laughter] 1362 00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:13,713 Almost. 1363 00:52:13,797 --> 00:52:15,340 [laughter] 1364 00:52:15,423 --> 00:52:18,343 Hey, you know what happens now if I take a Viagra? 1365 00:52:18,426 --> 00:52:19,803 -What? -I get lockjaw. 1366 00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:21,680 [laughter] 1367 00:52:21,763 --> 00:52:23,515 Silence! I kill you! 1368 00:52:23,598 --> 00:52:24,933 [cheering] 1369 00:52:25,016 --> 00:52:26,560 [whistling] 1370 00:52:27,310 --> 00:52:28,687 [Achmed laughs] 1371 00:52:29,104 --> 00:52:32,315 Boy, am I a rock and roll badass or what? 1372 00:52:33,108 --> 00:52:34,734 Let's do the whole thing together: 1373 00:52:34,818 --> 00:52:36,194 Three, two, one... 1374 00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:39,197 [Achmed and audience] Silence! I kill you! 1375 00:52:39,281 --> 00:52:40,615 [laughs] That's fantastic. 1376 00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:43,243 I just helped 10,000 folks commit a felony. 1377 00:52:43,326 --> 00:52:44,619 -Yay! -[laughter] 1378 00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:47,581 Anything else bothering you, Achmed? 1379 00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:50,500 Yes, all this political correctness crap. 1380 00:52:50,917 --> 00:52:52,836 -Really? -It's driving me crazy. 1381 00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:54,754 -How's that? -Everyone is so uptight. 1382 00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:57,674 Calm the hell down. You're taking all the fun away. 1383 00:52:57,757 --> 00:52:58,592 -The fun? -Yeah. 1384 00:52:58,675 --> 00:53:00,677 Like, you know, I can't tell jokes anymore like, 1385 00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:02,512 "Two black guys walk in a bar..." 1386 00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:06,349 "No, no, you can't tell a joke like that. You are racist." 1387 00:53:06,683 --> 00:53:09,019 -"Two Jews..." -"No, racist." 1388 00:53:09,102 --> 00:53:10,520 "Two white guys..." 1389 00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,230 "Okay, you can tell that one." 1390 00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:14,107 [laughter] 1391 00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:16,610 Wait a minute, why is it okay to tell a joke about white people 1392 00:53:16,693 --> 00:53:17,652 and not the others? 1393 00:53:17,736 --> 00:53:20,780 Well, it's okay to tell a racist joke about racists. 1394 00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,407 [startled laughter] 1395 00:53:24,701 --> 00:53:26,995 -Oh, crap, they turned on me. -Yeah. 1396 00:53:27,078 --> 00:53:28,538 [laughter] 1397 00:53:29,247 --> 00:53:31,833 And why are the two white guys in your story racist? 1398 00:53:31,917 --> 00:53:33,210 I just went with the odds. 1399 00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:35,295 [startled laughter] 1400 00:53:35,378 --> 00:53:37,005 -Ooh, strike two. -Yes. 1401 00:53:37,088 --> 00:53:38,131 [laughter] 1402 00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:41,426 So, you're saying that most white people are racists. 1403 00:53:42,719 --> 00:53:44,596 [audience] Oh! 1404 00:53:45,138 --> 00:53:46,806 No... 1405 00:53:46,890 --> 00:53:47,766 [laughter] 1406 00:53:47,849 --> 00:53:50,435 -You just said that. -No, you just said that. 1407 00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:52,646 [laughter] 1408 00:53:52,729 --> 00:53:55,398 So, what other ways do you have to be politically correct? 1409 00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:57,901 Well, you know, I used to say my saying all the time, 1410 00:53:57,984 --> 00:53:59,152 "Silence, I kill you." 1411 00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:00,195 Folks loved it. 1412 00:54:00,278 --> 00:54:03,031 It was on t-shirts, on mugs. They were like, "Yay." 1413 00:54:03,114 --> 00:54:04,741 Now, everyone gets upset. 1414 00:54:04,824 --> 00:54:08,245 "Oh, he's threatening us." Whine, whine. Boo-hoo. 1415 00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:10,497 Yes, you idiot snowflakes! 1416 00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:12,207 I am threatening you! 1417 00:54:12,290 --> 00:54:13,625 [laughter] 1418 00:54:13,708 --> 00:54:15,752 It's called a terrorist threat. 1419 00:54:15,835 --> 00:54:16,878 It's not that big a deal. 1420 00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:19,256 I said, "I kill you," not "I touch you." 1421 00:54:19,714 --> 00:54:21,383 [laughter] 1422 00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:26,596 [Achmed laughs menacingly] 1423 00:54:26,972 --> 00:54:29,891 Maybe that is what I should be saying now. 1424 00:54:29,975 --> 00:54:31,309 -[laughs] -[laughter] 1425 00:54:31,810 --> 00:54:32,727 "Hey... 1426 00:54:32,811 --> 00:54:33,687 I touch you." 1427 00:54:33,770 --> 00:54:35,438 [laughter] 1428 00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:38,692 Hey, man. 1429 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,277 I touch you. 1430 00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,028 [laughter] 1431 00:54:42,737 --> 00:54:43,655 "Hey, man?" 1432 00:54:44,197 --> 00:54:45,031 What? 1433 00:54:45,115 --> 00:54:46,032 [laughter] 1434 00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:47,158 "Hey, man?" 1435 00:54:47,242 --> 00:54:48,827 Well, I can't say, "Hey, lady." 1436 00:54:49,494 --> 00:54:51,037 -Why not? -If I do, you're the asshole, 1437 00:54:51,121 --> 00:54:52,247 and we both get sued. 1438 00:54:52,330 --> 00:54:54,124 [laughter] 1439 00:54:54,207 --> 00:54:55,500 Okay, but, "Hey, man?" 1440 00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:56,459 Okay. 1441 00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:58,670 Hey, you... 1442 00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:00,547 [laughter] 1443 00:55:00,630 --> 00:55:01,715 I touch you. 1444 00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:03,800 [laughter] 1445 00:55:04,551 --> 00:55:07,721 Hey, you unidentifiable gender, you. 1446 00:55:07,804 --> 00:55:09,597 [laughter] 1447 00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:11,474 I touch you. 1448 00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:13,143 [laughter] 1449 00:55:13,435 --> 00:55:15,145 That's more creepy than scary. 1450 00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:18,773 Hey, women love me, because I'm already naked. 1451 00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:20,900 [cheering] 1452 00:55:20,984 --> 00:55:22,027 You're... [laughs] 1453 00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:24,237 Achmed, you're-- you're-- you're all bone. 1454 00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,447 Exactly. 1455 00:55:25,530 --> 00:55:27,282 [laughter] 1456 00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:31,369 And I am ribbed for her pleasure. 1457 00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:33,288 [laughter] 1458 00:55:33,872 --> 00:55:35,206 [laughs menacingly] 1459 00:55:35,665 --> 00:55:36,624 Silence! 1460 00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:38,168 I touch you. 1461 00:55:38,251 --> 00:55:40,128 [laughter] 1462 00:55:40,211 --> 00:55:41,421 [Achmed laughs] 1463 00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:43,715 [evil laugh] 1464 00:55:44,674 --> 00:55:46,217 -[Achmed whistles] -[cheering] 1465 00:55:46,301 --> 00:55:47,802 [Achmed whistles] 1466 00:55:47,886 --> 00:55:48,720 What the...? 1467 00:55:48,803 --> 00:55:50,055 [Achmed whistles] 1468 00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:51,222 I can whistle! 1469 00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:53,308 [laughter] 1470 00:55:53,641 --> 00:55:55,727 -Can I fart, too? -[laughs] No, you can't. 1471 00:55:55,810 --> 00:55:56,686 [laughter] 1472 00:55:58,563 --> 00:56:00,148 [laughter] 1473 00:56:02,275 --> 00:56:03,777 [laughter] 1474 00:56:09,407 --> 00:56:10,241 Holy crap. 1475 00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:11,910 [laughter] 1476 00:56:11,993 --> 00:56:13,119 Something isn't right. 1477 00:56:13,203 --> 00:56:14,496 [laughter] 1478 00:56:15,246 --> 00:56:16,081 Do you see that? 1479 00:56:17,165 --> 00:56:17,999 Yep. 1480 00:56:18,291 --> 00:56:19,250 Did you do that? 1481 00:56:19,876 --> 00:56:21,878 -I don't know. [laughs] -[laughter] 1482 00:56:21,961 --> 00:56:23,588 -Did I do that? -I don't know. 1483 00:56:24,130 --> 00:56:26,007 -Can you fix this? -I-I don't know. 1484 00:56:26,091 --> 00:56:28,593 -Then what the hell do you know?! -[laughter] 1485 00:56:28,676 --> 00:56:30,970 -I don't know. -Fix it, you infidel! 1486 00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:32,597 I am afraid to move! 1487 00:56:33,056 --> 00:56:34,432 [laughter] 1488 00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:36,351 Fix it! 1489 00:56:36,976 --> 00:56:38,228 I kill you from here. 1490 00:56:38,311 --> 00:56:39,521 [laughter] 1491 00:56:42,148 --> 00:56:43,191 [Achmed screams] 1492 00:56:43,274 --> 00:56:44,943 [laughter] 1493 00:56:45,026 --> 00:56:46,277 Got any barbecue sauce? 1494 00:56:46,361 --> 00:56:47,445 [laughter] 1495 00:56:47,529 --> 00:56:48,571 That's not funny! 1496 00:56:48,947 --> 00:56:50,073 Stop laughing! 1497 00:56:51,032 --> 00:56:52,534 Don't make me come down there! 1498 00:56:52,617 --> 00:56:53,743 [laughter] 1499 00:56:54,119 --> 00:56:55,161 -[Jeff laughs] -What? 1500 00:56:55,995 --> 00:56:57,455 How would you get down there? 1501 00:56:57,539 --> 00:56:58,498 [laughter] 1502 00:56:58,581 --> 00:57:00,667 Well, you could throw me. You threw fucking Peanut. 1503 00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:02,419 [laughter] 1504 00:57:02,502 --> 00:57:03,545 You guys have been awesome. 1505 00:57:03,628 --> 00:57:05,713 Thanks for coming out tonight. We'll see you next time. 1506 00:57:05,797 --> 00:57:07,966 Goodbye, infidels! 1507 00:57:08,049 --> 00:57:10,677 -[cheering and applause] -[rock music plays] 1508 00:57:22,188 --> 00:57:23,940 [cheering and applause continues] 1509 00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,157 Thank you, Dallas! Thank you, Texas! 98740

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