Original subtitles

Hey, Chief, doesn't it bother you that what we'll be doing in Las Vegas is a

crime here in San Francisco?

Does it bother you?

No, but I'm a hardcore civilian.

I'm willing to bet once we cross that Nevada border that I can be as civilian

the next man.

Eight to five says if you try to arrest the first croupier, he'll wave the stick

at you. I've got five to eight that says if we don't put those bags in the van

and get out of here, that telephone is going to...

This is recording.

You have reached a temporarily disconnected number.

Please call back in four days.

Thank you.

You should have thought of that before.

Let's get over and pick up Ed and Eve before... Well, well, Commissioner.

Bob? Mark?

What an expected surprise.

May I come in? Do we have any choice?

So you fellas think I came by to interfere with a man's well -earned

The increase in San Francisco's crime rate is directly proportional to the

proximity of my vacation.

I haven't been able to put four days side by side in three years. I just

by to discuss a matter which was dumped into my lap.

You heard of Ruska Pazarek? She's some kind of a spy, isn't she? From Europe?

Widow of Joseph Pazarek.

Czech filmmaker.

She was arrested by the FBI.

At the San Francisco Film Festival.

Well, the government of Czechoslovakia wants her back.

Naturally. What are they offering?

A letter promising that she would do it again?

No, they have someone our government wants back. Professor Appleton.

How did you know that? That's classified State Department information. It's only

logical that sooner or later somebody would suggest a trade.

Dennis, how did you get involved in a deal like this?

The State Department asked me to dig up a team of clever, efficient...

well -trained civilians who can deliver Mrs. Pozzarec to Mexico and then

negotiate a trade without being tricked or cheated. And volunteers are now

cheerfully invited to wheel forward. Is that it?

Forget it, Dennis.

I'm not nursemaiding some Cold War Mata Hari into Mexico or anywhere else.

Now put the bags in the van, will you, Mark?

I don't think that won't be possible, Bob.

Our department's already agreed to lend a van to the State Department.

My van?

Sergeant Brown and Officer Whitfield have already been transferred to the

Department jurisdiction. My van and my staff.

Anything else?

Not that I can think of. Oh, would you like me to drive you to the bus station?

Dennis, blackmail is a felony in this state.

But if I'm going to undertake this thing, I've got to be free to do it my

way. No question, Bob. I've already made that clear to State.

Create your own cover.

Transport the woman in whatever means you feel is safest and most expedient.

Well, have a pleasant trip, gentlemen.

Dennis!

cloak and dagger.

Good?

I see. Good.

Thank you.

Everything's right on schedule so far. Five minutes ago, policewoman Peggy

Michaels, dressed to look like Karusta Pozarek, boarded a plane for Paris.

Well, we book a flight to Mexico, right? Wrong.

Mark?

Tourist card, special weapon permits, fishing licenses.

Fishing licenses?

Be reasonable, Chief. I know we're not going to Las Vegas, but I have three

evening gowns and a fur coat packed in there. I even had to tip the taxi driver

a dollar extra just to bring it all up here.

I mean, they do have elegant hotels in Mexico, and we will be stopping

someplace. I am a real estate executive taking his loyal, hardworking staff on a

well -deserved vacation to the quaint, sleepy little fishing village of

Chipotula. Just how sleepy?

So horrific.

Ironside. Thank you.

Mrs. Pazarek has been transferred in a telephone company truck.

She just arrived at the hotel.

Cheer up. Things could be a lot worse.

Yep. We could be spending our vacation in a coal mine.

Well, give it a chance.

It's got to be a lot cheaper than Vegas, and it might turn out to be a pleasant

trip. Not likely.

Have you ever sat through one of the late Mr.

Pazarek's films?

No. I have. Very arty, very nouveau, and very, very dull. Yeah, that doesn't

mean his widow has to be a drag. Five will get you eight.

Mrs. Pajarek, may I present Chief Robert Ironside and Mark Sanger. Hello.

Pleasure, Mrs. Pajarek.

I wish I could say the same.

That date you owe me.

Date what?

Let's go, Mark.

I didn't realize my reputation had preceded me.

Well, it's not your reputation I find distasteful. It's your task.

Carding off your political refuse in this converted laundry truck.

I apologize for the accommodation.

It is exactly red carpet surface.

But it is better than 10 or 15 years in a federal prison, wouldn't you say?

We shall see.

Mrs. Pazarek, it's going to be a long trip.

We're off to an unpleasant start. I'd like to know why. Do you suppose I enjoy

being spirited out of your country like some carrier of Tyson? Do you suppose I

enjoy doing the spiriting? Am I to be locked up in here all the way to Mexico?

Stop for meals, but someone will be with you at all times.

Now, please don't try to leave the van by yourself.

Wink up.

We're driving straight through.

I know you're as anxious to be returned to your people as I am to... To be rid

of me? As I am to get Professor Appleton back.

And then perhaps I shall wish her good luck.

No, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

Do you always talk in your sleep? Do you always eavesdrop on private

conversation?

What did I say? You said Robert Ironside is a bourgeois capitalist lackey.

I'm afraid we will.

That thing for breakfast. Would you like some orange?

I'm not sure, but I think we've picked up a tale. What is it? Someone may be

following us.

How long has he been with us?

I don't know. This is the first notice.

Maybe just a tourist playing tag.

I don't know. It's rude.

They're still with us.

Looks like we rang up a new thing at Decoy to Paris.

Whoever they are, they either don't know where we're headed and they're trying

to find out, or they already know where we're headed and they'd like to relieve

us of our passenger before we get there. Do I race into the border or do we

abort natural home? Neither.

Do you suppose you could shake them for about three minutes?

Do I get it to take a bad topic?

I'll pay.

Hiya. Hi.

Would you fill it up?

Take your time. You're going to get some coffee. Okay.

Fill it up again?

Uh, check the oil. That all?

Check the oil.

Watch him.

There is another decoy.

They couldn't possibly have taken it from Fenwick Tensure in that truck.

That is what they would like us to think. No, they have done something with

There is nothing we can do. They have seen us.

Very well. Let them believe they are rid of us.

Oil is okay.

Can I fill up your tank now? No, that will be all.

No.

Gentlemen,

if you don't mind.

Looks like the post office on the right.

All right, Eve.

European brown suit and hat.

Smoking a pipe.

I expect you at the hotel in 15 minutes.

Check it out, Ed.

Our room's the lobby.

Tell the manager I want to come in through the kitchen.

Shine, mister?

Not right now, thanks.

Maybe later.

No, thanks.

Then why you got fishing poles?

In case I want to go fishing. Just in case.

Listen, I'm Emiliano Zapata Hernandez.

One of the best fishing boats in Spatula. One American dollar, I'll fix

Guaranteed. You catch more fish than you can carry or your dollar back. In case

I want to go fishing, I will look you up. You don't want to fish?

Okay. I'm also a guy.

You want to see what Bob DeVere wrote his name on a rock?

Look,

kid, just a little, huh?

I'm tired. I just got here. I want to take a hot bath and a nap, okay?

Hey, get off, kid!

Mark, get out of here.

Hey, get in here. You'll have to make the seat available.

Hey, Mr. Banner, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay.

There's two men with carbines. They took the van.

Oh, well.

That ties it off.

They've not only got Appleton, they've got Mrs. Poserick and the chief, too.

I'm not so sure.

I just spoke with the Czech contact man in the post office.

They want to speak to the chief negotiator. Oh, that's great. Now, how

handle that?

Well, we keep the appointment, that's how.

But if the checks didn't grab the chief, who did?

What are we going to do with him?

No, no, no. This man was important enough to escort the lady.

I'm certain we can make use of him.

All right, bring him along.

And the registered owner of this stolen van?

Robert T.

Ironside. Ironside Properties and Development Corporation, San Francisco.

And where is this Mr.

Ironside? Oh, he's back at the hotel.

He's resting. This whole thing has been quite an ordeal for him. I see.

And you, senor, were alone in the van when the men from the truck attacked?

Yeah, that's right. I don't see any of their pictures here. You cannot give me

better description of the truck? No license number, nothing? No, I'm sorry.

wish I could.

You will make a sincere effort, Chief Gomez, to get our van back, won't you?

It has all of our luggage in it.

Well, we can't even go fishing. Have no fear, señorita. For you, I will put my

entire force to work at once.

Muchachos!

Quiero que vayan y busquen a este hombre inmediatamente, que me apuran, eh?

Thanks.

The attorney, Helinka.

He's number one. I wonder how Ed's making out.

I wonder how the truth's making out. Yeah.

I think I'll get my shoes shined.

What?

That kid in the alley.

I mean, it was just too convenient for him to be there at the wrong time.

I'll meet you back there.

Excuse me for saying so, Mr. Brown, but I have a feeling you're delaying me.

For some reason.

I'm just being careful, Mr. Flinker. You see, I'm not very experienced at this

kind of thing. I'm a cop, not a negotiator. But there should be nothing

complex about these negotiations.

You have, Mrs. Pazurek.

We are Professor Appleton. We simply need a time and place to make more

Simple if we really have something to exchange.

What?

On the way down here, someone tried to take Mrs. Pazurek away from us.

Are you accusing my government?

I was wondering if the same people tried to get Professor Appleton. You're

leading up to something, Mr. Brown. You have Professor Appleton.

But I'd like to be sure that he really is the genuine Appleton before I make a

trade. I'd like to examine the goods. Of course, you will extend me to the same

assurance as far as Mr. Spazarek is concerned. We meet at the bridge on the

Chapacho, about five miles out of town.

You're three people on the east bank.

Mine are the rest. At least the symbolism is appropriate.

How soon?

I couldn't have my people ready before tomorrow morning. Nine o 'clock.

Let me reassure you, Mr.

Brown, for a cup.

You're an excellent negotiator.

If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to have to have you tied up and hung

upside down like a thwarted pig.

All right.

Leave her.

I'm sorry,

Mrs. Pazarek, for even suggesting that these bandits could be friends of yours.

Friends? I wouldn't cross the street to spit on either one of them.

What do they want with me?

You will have to ask him.

Enough talk, Orlando.

Where do you want us, Boucher?

In here or somewhere else?

Oh, come now.

Who gives the orders?

Boucher, get the camera.

It was my plan, you see.

It was a simple one, but a good one.

We capture the lady.

And we ourselves traded to the Czechs for Professor Appleton. Then you

Appleton to the U .S. government.

Don't forget about yourself, Senor Ironside.

So don't expect a windfall. But we get $200 ,000, $300 ,000 for the pair.

And the money we use to get rid of the fascist junta that now rules my country.

You will spend the night here.

Boucher will contact the Czech delegation in the morning. You certainly

lot of trust in this Boucher. He are many peoples.

Like one revolution.

Stand over here. Thank you.

Get out.

We're off the hook till tomorrow morning.

You don't believe the checks grabbed the chief and Mrs. Posner? Why would

Lincoln meet me here? Why would he take the trouble to set up another meeting

for tomorrow? I hope you're right. I know.

If Lincoln doesn't have them, who does?

On the way over, I stopped in the alley behind the hotel, looked around.

Chicken feather. They were lying near the place where Mark said the truck was

parked. I figured it might be a poultry truck.

They'd be working out of some packing plant, some local chicken ranch.

All right.

I'll take the restaurants on the north side of town. You take the south.

Where's Mark?

Getting his shoe shined.

How's that shine?

Looking good.

Good. Hey, how much do I owe you?

Don't say so.

Listen.

You got a couple of hours to spend?

Sure. I need sort of a right -hand man, and I think you might be able to handle

the job. Sure, what's I got to do?

Well, show me around, act as translator.

I'm trying to find who those two men were that jumped me in the alley.

Maybe I don't make such good right -hand men.

Oh, no, you'll do just fine.

Plus, there's five bucks in it for you, in advance.

Come on, let's get started.

Hey, you, um...

You don't happen to remember who those men were.

No, I don't think I've ever seen them before.

Well, maybe you will think of something, huh?

Señora.

Señor.

No, thank you.

Como usted diga.

I'm sorry. I wish I could offer you my chair.

I sat on a pallet before I was born on one.

You look surprised.

A little.

My parents were sedlacs, peasant farmers.

Would you believe that I can plow a furrow as straight as a streetcar track

behind two mules that hate each other?

Judging from the way you slug Boucher, I don't doubt it for a minute.

Well, that I learned later.

There was a war going on in my country when I was growing up. Maybe you

it. Too well.

As children, we learned to take care of ourselves, but we just did not grow up.

And how did you come to meet Pazurek?

I don't recall any documentaries on potato farming.

Well, that was after the war.

I was 16 years old and earning the magnificent sum of 12 karunas a night

in a smoky little cabaret.

My parents would have died for me. I'm ashamed. Except they had already died.

From German firebombs, so it really didn't make much difference.

One night, Yosef walked in.

And he saw me and decided to marry me.

I'll never understand why. I understand why.

No, I think that was the year Yosef fell in love with Charles Pygmalion. Did he

direct that in Prague?

Oh, he didn't have to. He lived it.

Mrs. Pazurek. Please.

Now that you know the secret of my humble beginnings, you might as well

by my Christian name.

Harushka. You say it?

Harushka. Spoken like a Czech.

As long as we're divulging secrets.

Why did you try to jump from the van in the alley?

That was my one chance to get away.

Keep from being sent back to Czechoslovakia. I thought that's exactly

wanted.

Why not?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Try me.

Two years ago, I went on a world tour with my husband's films.

It was part of a culture exchange program.

That was how I was out of Czechoslovakia when the Russians came in.

The liberal reform movement of Alexander Dubček came to an instant and painful

end, and I, like many other Czechs, decided not to go back home.

Then we got to the United States.

A member of my unit, and I have my suspicions which one, planted evidence

hotel room. I was arrested for spying. Why would one of your own people want to

frame you? Orders.

From Prague, from Moscow. I'm not without publicity value, you know.

This way they could be sure that your country would not...

grant me political asylum, and then look how easy it would be to get me back

home. Just trade me for an American spy. Why didn't you tell me all this before

we crossed over into Mexico?

Would it have made any difference?

Would you then not have traded me for your Professor Appleton?

Hmm?

Where'd you find it?

A few miles south of town.

Abandoned beside the road.

Any evidence on who stole it? Fingerprints?

No, nothing.

White plain thing.

Thank you very much.

You know, for real estate people, you have some very curious

equipment in there.

Yes, business gets more complicated every year.

Where'd you come from?

I saw the van and you go in when I came out of the restaurant, so I decided to

wait. That police chief had too many questions.

Yeah, well, he's satisfied so far.

Nothing on the chief?

No, how'd you make out with the feather angle? Nobody knows the truck or the

men. It seems that this part of the country has more three hen chicken

than a burrito has beans.

My score's about the same.

Ed, what about tomorrow morning?

Those checks will, once it sees the loose proposal record.

We'll let them, of course.

But I was afraid of...

Hey.

Thanks for the help, pal.

If you're free tomorrow, I can use you again.

Mark?

What's this?

Hey, by the way, I wish you'd do a lot of thinking tonight about those men. I

mean, it's very important that I find them.

See you tomorrow, Mark.

Where is he?

Good morning, senora.

What can I do for you?

You can tell me.

Suppose the U .S. government decides not to pay you for Appleton.

What then?

Then I would be forced to send them a corpse as an inducement. Yours. Was that

your idea or Boucher's?

Why do you insist on giving Boucher credit for everything? Because, my

the sad truth is he's more clever than you.

And he's not down here from the big leagues because he's interested in your

agrarian reform.

You think you know a lot about our movement? I know Boucher by reputation.

And I guarantee you, if you get any money for Appleton, your people will

see one red centavo of it. It would be a mistake, senor, for you to continue to

underestimate me.

It would also be a mistake for Boucher.

Wait.

What about something to eat?

We won't be worth much starved to death.

Apologies for the slowness of the service. I personally will bring you

breakfast.

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

For getting you so involved.

Committed is the word.

Now... How do you feel about helping us escape?

Either way, I'm sent back to my country.

That's right.

But when I get home, I'd like to take a crack at clearing your record.

The Justice Department might be impressed with your effort to help us

here.

What can I do?

Help me... Prepare the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Do you really think this act is going to work again?

The only way to find out is to try it. You've got a different audience every

time.

Once more.

Yes, it is us.

Yes, it is us.

All right, Lincoln.

Let's have a look at the man you call Appleton.

That doesn't look like him to me.

I am Harold Appleton.

You're wrong, Brown.

I'm sorry, but I need crew.

I want to check the man's fingerprints.

You don't expect me to send him over?

No, I'm sending you a clean drinking glass.

We'll meet you in the middle of the bridge.

Have Appleton press his fingers against the glass and send it back.

Now, how about Mrs. Peverek? I would like to see her, if you don't mind.

Coming right up.

All set?

Good.

Which glass did Mrs. Pazurek use?

This one.

No, no, this one.

Okay, Mark, showtime.

I'm going to give you a glass with her fingerprints on it.

You send the other glass back.

I hope he wasn't asking about the

weapon.

That's it, then.

We'll meet at the canteen at noon.

We can exchange notes.

There. There's Emiliano.

I want to talk to him.

Meet you back at the hotel.

Sure.

You ready to roll, amigo?

Mark? Yeah?

I remember something about those men in the galley.

Hey, good.

What? They gave me 20 pesos to go up to you and talk to you. And hang on your

truck if you tried to drive away.

That's a pretty hard 20 pesos to remember.

I lied to you.

I shouldn't have taken your money.

Hey, keep it. Just keep it.

Can you remember anything about them?

Sure. One was named Orlando.

What else?

I don't know the other one's name.

Well, do you remember where they came from? What they did with the truck?

I know where he is now.

Not Orlando.

The other one. Where?

At a house on the hill.

I saw him drive there a little while ago.

Well, lead the way.

No question.

They're Appleton's prints.

Did you doubt they would be?

I hope Helinkas is easily convinced about the prints on the glass we gave

Why shouldn't he be? They're genuine.

Okay, so we bought ourselves a little time, and the only thing we have to go

is a handful of chicken feathers.

Somebody in this town has got to know where that truck is.

They're the second car.

That's the one that's fallen.

There. That is the house you went into.

All right, come out of me, Doc.

Find my friends.

Give this to them.

Have them check out the address.

An egg box?

That eggs, feathers, chickens, chicken box.

Okay? Okay.

When

you

get back to your country, you must have that Mr. Brown write me and explain.

How he got Madame Puzzle Egg fingerprint on that glass.

He's coming remember stay behind that line

Thank

you

very much, I will take that

Drop your guns.

Start toward me.

That's your apple guy.

Well,

you can slow down, Ed.

Looks like the chickens are already being pooped.

My congratulations, Mr. Brown.

You have got your prize, and now you may keep mine as well.

Very neat piece of work. It was never our intention to cheat you, Mr. Lincoln,

nor mine to cheat you.

Assume that I and my people at least are free to leave.

Lincoln.

Yes? Robert, let me say it for you.

Even if you could take me back with you, Robert, which would be diplomatically

very shabby, I could not go with you.

I suppose I have known all along that in your country I would be nothing but a

defector, a political curiosity going from one film festival to another.

At home, at least, I can fight for what we almost had.

Isn't that right, Mr. Alinka?

Goodbye, Robert.

Goodbye, Havishkin.