Original subtitles

Thank you.

Now, would anyone else like to share?

I'm Tami.

-Hi, Tami. -Hi.

Things have been okay.

Yeah. Um...

Still really hoping to get a bigger car.

It's one of our goals for TSDY.

Uh, sorry.

Um... Try Something Different Year.

It's like a thing we found online.

We decided to try it out once I got better.

Um...

Uh...

I've been cancer-free for 12 months.

But, um...

You know, I still just live with the terror

that it's gonna come back.

It's not coming back.

He always says that, but, you know,

I just have a lot of anxiety.

Focusing on my business really helps.

Um...

My friend Devin makes me laugh hard.

-So... -Devin?

Yeah, my ex. The firefighter.

Um, rekindling that friendship has...

it's really helped me.

You know, community is so important.

But I worry.

Will I ever see my son graduate?

Will I ever orgasm again?

Sorry. This is, uh, not so exciting,

but this group really helps, so, thank you.

-Yeah. -Hmm.

Craig.

Anything you wanna share?

Everything is really awesome.

Tami deserves a parade.

And I'm orgasming fine.

I'll share, I'll share.

Um... this has been a great week for me.

Craig.

The mailman screwed up again.

Can you bring the package to the neighbor's?

Craig Waterman.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm in the car now.

Actually, I'm in the parking lot.

I'll be up there in two seconds.

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Bye.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi.

Howdy.

Are you... Austin?

Guilty.

Yeah, the, uh, mailman screwed up.

Uh, I'm down there at the end of the block there.

Oh, with the "for sale" sign?

Yeah. About to leave the neighborhood.

It's a bummer. Wish I could've gotten

to know you, but yeah, we're leaving.

Sorry about this.

Oh, not your fault.

It's the mailman, he always messes up.

Oh, well, it's gonna happen, I guess.

Yeah. I didn't open it or look in or anything.

-I know that that's illegal. -Oh.

-Thank you. -Yep. No worries.

Hey, I didn't catch your name, by the way.

Oh, it's, uh, Craig Waterman.

Stay curious, Craig Waterman.

You too, Austin.

Full mug coming through here.

Careful, careful, careful.

Full mug.

Hey, java king!

Fuckin' moron.

Nicholas from Serotonin Solutions.

Sam is on.

How was everyone's weekend?

I need to get a bigger car.

I know. Let's sell the house first.

I can't fit this stuff.

Look what happened, it fell over.

Hey, Shannon. Hey, gang.

Hi.

You didn't steal anything, did you?

House has got good bones, right?

Sorry my wife's stuff was everywhere.

Yeah.

-Beautiful neighborhood too. -Yeah.

Nice people there.

Really good people there.

You have a good day.

Awesome.

Shit.

Didn't even fucking talk to me.

Can you put that in the front?

Like, try and find a spot?

I don't know where to put it.

Yes, yes, yes. Ow, I got water on me!

Stevie.

Can you pass me that, please?

Super beautiful.

-Thank you. -What are those?

Oh, honey. The new neighbor Austin,

he brought these over for us earlier.

He also invited you over for a drink

at 8:00 tonight. I said you'd go.

You don't know my schedule.

You sit there every night.

It might be nice to have a pal,

you know, a bud.

Hello, Tami's Florals. Steven speaking.

Just welcome him to the neighborhood.

There's a new Marvel out

that's supposed to be nuts.

We should go see that.

Uh, my ex-boyfriend Devin,

he invited me out for a drink tonight.

Thank you so much.

Okay. Two Luna arrangements for a 90th.

Extra lavender.

Stevie, your mom's abandoning us.

It's just you and I.

We gotta go see that Marvel tonight.

I already saw it. It's sort of...

Ah! Don't spoil it. Do not spoil it.

What's going on?

Honey.

Please don't go out with this fucking

dumb clown tonight.

You and I, we'll go see this new Marvel.

People are saying it's actually nuts.

It's driving people crazy.

It's nacho, nacho time!

Never...

Never underestimate the nacho.

Yummy. Oh, good work.

Mwah!

Delicious, huh?

-It's good. -Anyway, I gotta go.

-But I love you. -Have fun.

See you later. Thank you.

You guys kiss each other on the lips?

Honey. Go.

You...

Mmm.

Oh, you know, I, uh,

I actually got those speed bumps

put in on our street.

Yeah. It was a frickin' nightmare

dealing with the city.

But now the whole neighborhood's

not a goddamn racetrack.

Well, thank you.

Welcome.

Well, what do you do for a living?

Well, I dabble in a few things, but, uh,

I pay those criminals at the bank

by covering the weather for Channel Three.

You're a weatherman?

I usually work evenings,

but I got tonight off.

I knew you looked familiar.

That's so awesome.

What do you do for a living?

I work for a company called Universal Digital Innovations.

We work with clients

who are trying to make their products

more habit forming.

I work with apps, specifically.

Like...

trying to get people addicted to products?

Uh... we prefer to use the term "habit forming."

It appeals to the most primal aspects of the brain.

So when the person tries to detach themselves

from the product, they become extremely displeased

and they just continue using it.

Fucking brutal.

Yeah, it's brutal.

I got a product you might like.

All right.

Porno mag?

Better.

Look familiar?

That's the box from my yard.

What's this?

That's a 400,000-year-old

stone hand axe carved by Homo Erectus.

These are the first human objects ever made.

You're holding the very same tool

that some ancient person held on in East African Savannah.

As they paused in awe to watch the land

swallow the burning golden ball in the sky.

Whoa, buddy.

Oh!

Oh...

Shoot! Uh...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry. This never...

Oh, fuck.

Let's go somewhere.

Uh...

It's a school night for me.

I'll get you a clean shirt.

Okay.

All right.

What's here?

Come on, come on.

This way.

Quick!

Before the pigs see us.

It's the Aqueduct.

It was built in 1837. Look at this.

It connects the entire city.

Oh, my God.

Aw, fuck!

I got stuff all over me.

Ah, it looks like OVD's gonna get

a little bit more of my money.

-OV what? -Ocean View Dining.

It's the only clothes that fit me just right.

Hmm.

-Wow. Looks good. -Yeah.

Yeah, this is all OVD.

Nice.

-All this is. Yeah. -All right.

They even make food.

This way.

All right.

There you go.

Come on. You got it.

Grab my hand.

There you go. There you go.

You okay? You got it.

Pull up, pull up. Pull up.

You got it.

-There you go. -Oh...

You okay?

-You all right? -Yeah.

All right.

Nice job.

Thank you.

What's wrong?

Lost my shoe.

Oh.

Ah, we'll get it on the way back.

Come on.

This is so cool.

Oh, yeah, there's a way into the building through here.

Oh, my God!

Oh... I thought that was a guy.

Where the hell are we?

City Hall. Come on.

What?

Oh.

It's a normal ciggie, it's not cannabis.

Oh. Excellent.

Oh, hey.

My band's playing tomorrow night.

Bring Tami.

Your frickin' band? You're in a band?

Yeah, it's gonna be a big show.

Hopefully my boss doesn't make me work.

I tell ya...

I am so over nightly news.

I wanna do mornings.

Why don't you just ask?

I wanted my own office at work.

I just asked.

Did you get it?

Eat in there alone every single day.

I can eat whatever the hell I want.

Something big and messy.

Something really embarrassing I don't want anybody to see.

Something that stinks.

All you gotta do is ask.

You'll be on the list tomorrow night, rock star.

I'll be there, rock star.

All right.

Eh!

-You crack me up. -I do?

You crack me up.

Yeah!

Yeah!

All right, friends. That's it.

That's our national forecast.

Take care of yourselves out there

and we'll see you tomorrow night.

I'm not clicking anything.

I think my clicker ran out of batteries.

I tell ya, sometimes I feel like

I've run out of batteries.

I gotta go change my double A's.

See ya tomorrow night.

All right.

How y'all doing?

Sorry about the tie, I just got off work.

We're Mayor Nichols Sucks.

This song goes out to my wife, Bianca.

I feel like we need to add something that

makes the user feel expressed or judged.

So they keep coming back to use it over and over again.

Like... like, here.

You see the...

They have the key emoji down there.

See that key?

Someone named Austin Neighbor Weatherman

is calling you.

One second. Pardon me.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Craigy. Hey, whatcha up to?

Just boring old crap, really.

I hear you.

Hey, quick question. You up for going on an adventure?

-When? -When? Right now.

-Right now? -Yes.

Smooth cap.

Forked gills along the stipe.

Throw that on your grill with a little butter,

got yourself a meal.

Go on, smell it.

Oh, wow. That's vanilla.

You know, I can't stop thinking about your band.

That's so fucking amazing.

Thanks, bud.

You play anything?

Nah, I always wanted to play drums, but just...

didn't.

Get yourself a set. We'll jam.

Play some punk music or something.

Look, it isn't about how well you play.

It's about how passionate you are.

Oh, wow. Drums.

Yeah. Well...

What color would I get?

I guess it probably doesn't matter what col...

Well, actually, it might matter...

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Help!

Help me! Help me! Oh, my God, help!

-I got you. -Oh, Jesus!

What the hell?

Well, looks like Ocean View Dining's

gonna get more of your money.

Yeah. Honestly though, their new fall collection,

it looks superb.

I'm really excited about it.

Oh, shit, my phone!

Oh, fuck! My phone!

Can... Can you call it?

-Can you call it? -I don't have a phone.

Are you insane?

I'm looking at a free man right now.

Come on.

Look at this.

Oh...

-Yeah. -Crap.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, man, that's cherry.

Whoa!

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

This is my dream car.

I hope you get it one day.

This thing is absolutely cherry.

Yeah.

Well, it might happen sooner than you think.

I took your advice.

They offered me the morning news slot.

Oh, my God!

-Really? -Yep.

Congratulations! Holy crap.

Thank you, buddy. Truly.

Now, if I get this stupid car,

you're going for the first ride.

I promise. You're good luck.

I'm good luck.

Yes, you are.

I can see the future.

It's full of pals.

My husband!

Somebody help us, please!

Helping pals.

I got you, buddy.

Thank you, Craig.

Oh, it's so cold out there.

And being a boss.

Civilization has collapsed.

But Craig has led us to the future.

To Craig!

To Craig!

The neighborhood would be a racetrack without you.

I'm on the edge of life...

and the view is gorgeous.

What the...

What are you doing?

Can I wake you up with a lick?

-A lick? -Yeah.

-Is the door locked? -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Something's burning!

-Fuck! -Something's burning?

What did you do?

I hope you like wild mushrooms on toast, honey.

What?

What?

Seriously, what? What happened? What'd you do?

Nothing.

-Hi. -Good morning.

You like this?

-Punk? -Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I like punk.

Fuck yeah.

You don't listen to music.

Yeah, I do. I listen to punk.

I even took a walk this morning.

Got up. Went for a full walk.

Picked some of those flowers right there.

You made these?

Yeah.

Oh, shit, tastes like McDonald's.

-I love it. So good. -Thanks.

Okay, I'll see you guys.

-Love you. -Love you.

Austin invited me to hang out

with some of his buddies tonight.

They seem like pretty cool guys.

Wow, honey.

You boys want a drink?

It might be all night.

-Hey, how are you? -Good.

I'm Craig. Austin invited me.

Oh, there he is!

All right. Hey, guys.

This is my neighbor, Craig. He's the best.

Hey, hey! To the new morning weatherman!

Aw! You guys, aw.

This is the one!

I'll drink to that. I'll drink to that.

-Appreciate it. -All right.

It's great to talk to you, Chris.

Hey, I'm... I'm gonna grab another brew.

All right. Yeah, for sure.

I'll see you inside, all right.

Yeah.

You're smart.

You have a good job.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

Just be yourself.

You're a frickin' prince.

You okay?

Thought it was open.

You... you hit that hard.

Can I use your restroom really fast?

So how'd y'all meet?

That reminds me, Zed ran into me at the mall

and I was all stressed out.

I was buying a bra for my daughter.

I mean, she's 13 and she's already a size C.

And, uh, you know, I was just spiraling.

But I just... I see the way that guys look at her.

You know, I'm just... I'm scared.

Hmm. I'm sorry you're going through that, man.

You know we're here for you anytime.

Right? Sheila's lucky to have a dad like you.

Ah.

Yeah. Yeah, man.

All right. Who's next? Who's next?

Yo! Let's get the new guy in there.

Hey.

Get him, Craig. Hit him!

-All right, all right. -Come on!

-Get him! -All right. Here we go.

All right!

Everybody watch out for my face.

Some of us have calls with CEOs tomorrow.

We got a big shot in the house.

Focus.

Come on, Craig!

-All right, all right. -To a good match.

Yeah, heavyweights, make it rain. Let's go.

Ding, ding, ding!

The first punch. Damn!

You okay? You all right, Craig?

You all right, buddy?

-You okay? -Sure.

-Yeah. -All right.

-Yeah. -Sorry about that.

Let's, uh, both try to be a little safer.

-Absolutely. -Excellent.

You and me, pal. Okay.

Yes, yes.

-Friend to friend. -Friend.

-Here we go. All right. -Let's go, Craig.

-Ding, ding, ding. -You've got this,

-like you did the last time. -Yeah.

You didn't want that. Oh!

-Hands up. -Yeah, yeah!

-This fight's over. -Fuck!

-Oh... You all right? -Oh, my God.

This guy can't take it, Austin.

You gotta stop.

All right. Okay, great. All right.

Maybe you should sit this one out then, Craig.

Sorry about that.

You're okay. All right. Let's...

Anyone else wanna go?

What the fuck, man?

Are you all right?

-Winner! -You okay?

You knocked him out, idiot.

Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy, easy.

-Nah, he's good. -Guys, help him up.

No, you're good. He's solid.

He's good. I'm all right.

Hey, am I bleeding at all?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck is wrong with you, jackass?

Cheap shot bullshit, man. That was fucking bullshit.

Sucker punch, man!

-Bullshit. -What the fuck!

It's all right. Get them off.

-There we go. -Get them off me.

-Take this off. -Get it off the back.

Okay. Easy, easy, easy.

-I'm okay. -You good?

Yeah, yeah.

I think, uh... I think maybe, uh... uh...

we call it on boxing for tonight, huh?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hey, hey!

Look...

I know my punishment.

I know my punishment.

I messed up.

I'm a bad boy.

I'm sorry.

What'd I do?

What did I do?

I'm such a bad boy.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

All right. I gotta go home now.

-Yeah, me too. -Yeah.

He's gonna call his...

All right. Yeah, yeah.

-You sure? Are you okay? -Fucking idiot, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-You call somebody. -I'm okay. I'm all right.

Just watch your back. Watch your back.

-Motherfucker. -Watch out for this guy.

Yeah, thanks.

It's all right.

All right. So long, fellas.

-See you, guys. -See ya, man.

Okay.

Sure you know how to get home?

I'll do my best.

-Okay. -All right.

Hey, man. Nice job, you fucking cock.

All right.

You've reached Austin and Bianca,

you know what to do.

And with us today is our newest edition

to the Rise 'N Shine family.

He's someone you're probably already familiar with.

Austin Carmichael, our new meteorologist.

Howdy, folks.

Happy to be her.

H... Here. Happy to be here.

Looks like I could use another cup of java.

Better make it a big one.

When we come back,

Austin will join us as we talk with what

some people are calling a six-year-old Tiger Woods.

All right, we're back live in 60 seconds.

-Hey, man. -That...

I watched that. That was awesome.

How'd you... How'd you get in here?

I have a meeting here.

Who's your meeting with?

Just some dickhead or whatever.

Oh, I have a check for you.

I gotta give it to you next time we hang out.

Are you wearing makeup?

I'm not gonna tell your wife.

What was up with that stumble?

Oh, uh... Yeah. Sorry about that.

Um, new job jitters. It won't happen again.

It better fucking not.

This your father?

Uh, no. It's my neighbor.

Not really sure why he's here.

Hey, what are you doing after this?

I was gonna go to Rick's Bar. I wanna try this new thing.

They have a SEAL Team Six lunch.

I guess that's what the guys ate after they killed Osama.

It's 22,000 calories.

It's got four racks of ribs, mac and cheese,

Caesar salad.

Look, it's really distracting that you're here.

I need to focus. Okay?

Hey, buddy.

Looking good. I like it.

Oh! You're dressed as a little doll?

Wanna smoke a cigarette with us, little doll?

Hey. Look, you gotta go. All right?

I'm under a lot of pressure here.

It's a lot harder than nights. You could just...

Just please leave. Thank you.

You have a phone?

Yeah, of course I have a phone.

Back live in 10 seconds.

Let's get Austin on his mark.

I'll hang out with you soon.

And did you wanna upgrade to the Hero Plan?

It's unlimited talk, text and data.

Plus, you get one of these five limited phone cases.

Oh. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Uh... I'm gonna do... Oh, Mars Rover.

Oh...

Twins!

Beer drinking time, huh?

Yeah, I mean... or something else.

Hey, is that, uh,

bar across the plaza any good?

I've never been.

I've seen a few gnarly fights outside, though.

Yeah. I might step over there and have a sip,

or a few, if you wanna join me. It'd be cool.

Oh. I'm 18.

Ugh.

Teenage girls these days, they look like

they're 25 years old.

I guess it's the same with the guys too.

Receipt in the bag?

I'd love a receipt in the bag, yeah.

All right.

Oh, and, Sir...

If you ever want something

a little stronger than a few drinks,

you let me know.

Stay curious.

You may begin to detach

from realities you had claimed as your own.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

A package came for you.

Oh, yes!

Oh, my God. Holy shit!

Ooh, that's exciting.

Holy shit!

These are fucking awesome!

-These for you? -Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey! Is your better half here?

One moment.

Honey.

Um, there's someone at the door for you.

It's Craig.

All right.

Dude.

Check it out.

Wow. You, uh, you got the expensive ones.

Yeah. I got green to match your guitar.

Let's jam.

-Um... -Whoa. You look awesome!

Oh, thank you.

Uh... Look, uh, Craig...

We had a couple of really nice hangs,

but I think it best that we go our separate ways.

Is it 'cause of the sliding glass door?

I told you I'd pay for it, buddy.

No, Friday night was really strange

for me and the guys and I don't wish to continue

this friendship at the moment.

You made me feel too free.

You all accepted me way too fast.

-You can't do that. -All right.

People need rules.

I've gotta get to this Renaissance Fair.

I'm doing a segment for work.

Um... much luck selling the house.

Austin, come on.

Craigy, isn't it beautiful?

Doesn't seeing this make you certain

that some unknowable intelligence

is behind all things?

Thank you, Rebecca.

Uh, my producers told me that there was

a Renaissance Festival here today.

And, uh,

clearly I'm the only one dressed up, so...

It's a fun... fun prank on the new guy. Ma'am.

All right, Mama, I'm taking off.

Did you see that video I sent you?

Stevie, come on.

There's nothing over there. Come here.

Look.

Free food.

That's ancient stuff you're holding there.

People have been doing this

for hundreds of thousands of years.

Cool, huh? Take a bite.

No. How do you know they're not poisonous?

I'll show you.

This one needs a little ranch.

This is fun.

Hanging out at the mall, this is fun.

Got any crushes at school?

Of course, Dad.

That guy on that pig was flying.

What the hell?

That was crazy.

God!

I told you those mushrooms were poisonous, Dad.

I told you.

Fuck.

Jesus Christ, there's fuckin' blood in it.

Couldn't believe that. You know?

Fuckin' hell, dude.

Fellas.

How we doing?

'Sup, man?

We're the smokers, we're the smokers.

It was awesome.

Anybody need a light?

Anybody need a light?

Good?

Beers at my house this Friday.

Heck yeah. I'll stock the fridge.

Let's do a boys night.

Can my wife come?

You know what I'm saying?

No, you don't know her.

You never met her.

No, no.

No, let's keep it a boy's night.

I gotta call my wife.

Tell her things might get a little rowdy

this Friday night.

This is a sword.

From Europe, 1700's.

Let me see this thing.

Hey, don't rip it outta my hands.

It's priceless, actually. Be careful with that, okay?

Dude, you scared the fuck outta me,

like, so easily.

Now imagine.

You're a knight.

Staring out...

at the enemy army coming at you.

Your heart is racing.

Why are you showing us this thing?

'Cause it's cool.

I collect stuff like that.

It's so small, dude.

It's like... for babies.

This is a sword for babies, dude.

It's not for a baby, it's for a knight.

It's like when Thanos drinks the elixir.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I gotta stop you. I gotta stop you.

This is a, uh, no Marvel spoiler garage.

Sorry, it's a little rule here.

I apologize.

Dude. When that ship fucking comes in and...

...the Tesseract's like...

I'm dead serious.

I'm dead serious. No Marvel spoilers.

-I like to go in fresh, so... -All right.

Yeah, yeah. No worries.

No worries. Yeah.

Are those your wife's drums?

That's really funny, I already told you they're mine.

Well, they look like no one's even touched them, bitch.

Why don't you jam for us, Coltrane.

Give us a little taste. Come on, man, don't hide.

Don't use the knife like that.

Don't point the knife at people.

Dude, he's like the Hulk, man.

Get the fuck out!

Get the fucking hell outta here.

I said no spoilers. Let's go. Get up.

We've been here, like, 40 minutes.

-Move, move, move! -All right, all right.

Yeah, yeah.

There he is.

Jesus Christ.

Craig.

My key card mysteriously stopped working.

Uh, do you need to change?

-No. -You sure?

Yeah. I've been through worse.

Okay. Well, um... We have a new client

that I'm really, really excited about.

Mr. Mayor Seth Nichols.

Seth Nichols is about trust.

Now, he wants us to modernize

his reelection campaign.

Make it much more interactive.

Now, Craig, who do you want on your team?

Besides a towel?

I'll just be a lone wolf on this one, I think.

Honey.

You're home?

Yeah. I don't trust my lunch in the work fridge.

I think somebody's fucking with it.

-Can you help me load these? -Yeah.

I gotta scarf, though.

I gotta get on a call with the mayor

about the mayor thing or whatever.

Oh, the... The mail guy screwed up again.

Craig.

Your nose.

-Oh. Yeah. -I've never...

I've never seen you get a bloody nose before.

No, it's not a big deal, don't worry about it.

-You okay? Here. -Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Let's get these in.

Be careful with that.

Pick it up from the base.

Yeah, yeah. I gotta go.

I gotta have a fast lunch. I have a big call.

Honey. I'm sick of struggling, I need a bigger car.

I... I gotta go!

You still have blood on your nose.

-That's fine, that's fine. -Wipe it off.

Bye! Bye, bye, bye.

Motherfucker.

Hey, hey.

Putting you through to the mayor's office.

Jen's on.

Joanna and Monkey See Inc. are on.

Barry from Digitonis.

Craig Waterman is on.

So, Craig, before we start,

I wanna clear something up.

Austin?

Honey?

Hello?

Craig? Hello?

Hello, hello.

I've heard the craziest thing

that you do not have a cell phone.

-Um... -Somebody knocked on the door.

-Hey, baby. -Come on, that can't be true.

Come snuggle.

I know it's funny. Are you there?

It's nap time. Mmm.

Did we lose Craig? Is Craig there?

Chad from Dopamine

Unlimited is on.

Well, he's probably not responding

'cause he doesn't have a cell phone.

-Craig? -Yeah.

Oh, there you are.

For a short period, I didn't have a phone,

but it was an experiment.

Man, that is...

Now, where would you like to start?

That is really brave of you, that is crazy.

I cannot imagine. I'm looking at this thing constantly.

Uh-huh.

Hello?

Craig?

Hey. I tried calling you. I need you to go to the store.

I had a nuts day.

No, honey.

Tonight,

it's Austin and Bianca's housewarming thing.

I need you to get some things.

That's tonight?

Oh, maybe I can borrow some things from them?

Do you have their number?

Uh, yeah, I'll call 'em.

What do you need?

Um, I need vanilla extract. I need brown sugar.

If they have powdered sugar that'd be really great.

Hey, Austin, what's going on?

Yeah, yeah. We're about to head over, actually.

Oh.

Oh, for real?

Oh, that sucks. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, actually, uh, have a bad case myself right now.

No worries at all. No worries at all.

Yeah.

Okay, we'll...

Okay, we'll talk to you soon.

Bye.

I guess Bianca came down

with a really bad case of diarrhea.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Maybe I should make her some chicken broth.

I wouldn't do that.

It'd probably just rip right through her.

Let's just invite people over.

Maybe Devin's available.

Devin?

Do you ever listen?

Hey. Hey!

Turn those burners off.

We're going on an adventure.

Craig. Absolutely not.

This was built in 1837.

Goes all over the city. It's called an aqueduct.

Is this piss?

Some of it. Wait...

Yes, this is it. This is it.

This is it. Yes!

Ugh.

Oh, my God.

Are we lost?

No, no, no. This way.

Craig, there's a bat.

-Where? -Right there!

All right. Yeah, let's go this way.

We're not going that way, so that's not a problem.

Who showed you this?

I found it myself. Come on.

Seriously, who showed you this place?

-Was it Austin? -No, I found it. Come on.

You go up here and there's some really...

-I'm not going up there. -...beautiful shit...

I wanna go home!

Well, the bat's back there.

I don't wanna walk by that bat again.

Come on. There you go.

There you go. Go, go, go!

Perfect. Perfect.

Okay, this is insane. I wanna go.

Help me down.

Christ almighty.

Can you just give this a chance?

You're always complaining that we don't do anything new.

Well, we're here now.

You're healthy and we're here now.

So... Jesus!

Just go ahead and I'll catch up to you in a sec.

Thank you.

Okay.

Shit!

Where the fuck is it?

Fuck it.

Oh, God damn it.

Don't worry, honey. We're really close.

Tami?

Tami?

Tami, where are you? Where did you go?

Tami.

Tami!

Tami!

Tami!

Please hang up, and...

No!

My phone!

Where the fuck is it?

Fuck!

Tami!

We are currently cruising

at an altitude of 1,000 feet,

at an air speed of 4,100 miles per hour.

400 miles per hour.

You make me a little nervous sometimes.

Are you still there?

Who's in the background?

Is that your step-dad? Crazy.

Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah, I was just asking.

I'll keep going.

My co-pilot Josh with us tonight,

hope you've had a nice first-class flight with us.

Uh, the weather is pleasant

with light turbulence here and there.

I need to use the phone.

I'm in the middle of something, let me finish.

I need to use the phone, Stevie.

What the hell is going on?

-Sir, do you live here? -Austin?

How's the party going, bud?

We had to cancel it 'cause someone broke in.

Okay. Okay.

I don't know, so why don't you tell me, bud?

What the hell's going on with him?

Sir, are you the primary resident?

Jesus! Yes, I am. What is this about?

We had a break-in down the street.

The dog picked up a scent that led us here.

So you think my house

got broken into by the same person? What?

-You broke into my house! -Whoa, whoa, wait.

-Hey! -Hold him back. Do your job.

You broke into my house!

What do I pay taxes for? Hold him!

Sir, are you and your sons the only ones who live here?

My wife does too.

-Was she here today? -She was here all day.

Well, can we speak to her?

-She's not here. -Where is she?

She's in the sewer.

What? What'd you say?

-She's where? -I said she's in the sewer.

And what happened next?

We were trying to go to City Hall.

You can get there through the basement. Right?

Well, yeah, but it's... it's tricky.

Why'd you come down here on your own?

Attempted trespassing.

No, it's not trespassing. It's adventure.

I was showing my wife a fun night. We beat cancer.

How you doing? You look really good.

I know these pipes.

Do you mind if I take the lead?

-You know the pipes? -I do.

I explore.

Wait, that's trespassing. That's Penal Code 602.

All right, we don't have time for this.

I need everybody to meet me on the next level.

Yeah, I agree.

It's time to practice teamwork right now.

Oh, no, just take him in.

Take me in? What are you talking about?

I'm a program manager at Universal Digital Innovations.

This fucker showed me this place.

He picked the lock.

We broke into City Hall!

He called you guys fucking pigs.

He called all you guys fucking pigs!

-Take it easy. -You're fucking pigs!

Let go!

-I'm a bit nervous. -Nervous.

Fuck, man.

Not at all.

Hey, I'm a little bit nervous too.

Nice to meet you, Jason.

Austin, Channel Three.

-Okay. -I appreciate your service.

Yeah, man. No problem.

Let me ask you a question.

You, uh, mind if we get a picture together?

-Of course. -Yeah?

-All right. Be right back. -All right.

This is...

This is literally the last thing I need.

Do you have any idea how much pressure it is

to be on morning news?

No, of course you don't.

You don't because you're a child.

You're just a boy.

Come on, Austin. I'm a man.

Do you have any idea the kind of stress I'm under?

It's cutthroat and they're so mean to me.

Go back to night.

I can't! That position is filled,

Jerry Pulmas is in it, and he's good.

So I'm stuck.

Plus, they made me quit my band.

They said it was a bad look.

Ah... shit, man. You guys rock.

You could've been a little more punk, though.

Just get outta my life.

Oh, piss!

Fuck!

Shit. Shit.

There. Is it good? Is it good?

Yeah.

-What? -Yeah.

What? Do I...

Yeah.

See, fellas, told you it's him.

Okay, let's get the selfie now.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. All right.

-Over here. -Yeah.

Right in the middle. Let's do this.

By the way, my mom loves you, man.

-Aww! -She watches every day.

Aww. Tell her thank you.

I appreciate that.

Steven?

Hi.

-Hi. -Hello.

Hi.

Replaced your mother already, huh?

Sorry, just messing around.

Congratulations.

Any news?

Everybody's looking for her, all right?

You gonna go to school?

My mother's missing.

Are you going to work?

I have to.

You should be out there looking for her.

Hold on.

Sorry about that. Tami's Florals.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Uh, she's actually never done a bar mitzvah before.

So let me get your info here.

Hello?

Hello?

Craig. Um...

I'm really sorry about this Tami situation.

I can't help but feel some sort of blame for this.

Oh. No, it's... it's okay. It's all right.

Also, um...

Last night is our secret, right?

I mean, I could lose it all if that leaks out.

Yeah, man. It's our secret.

I trust you.

-I trust you too. -Be well.

You be well as well.

What do people want more than anything in the whole world?

A good relationship.

So I propose,

we don't frame you as a politician.

We frame you as a friend.

Digital applications will make it so people

can interact with their new friend.

You.

The trick is, you gotta get these people...

What the fuck is it?

Uh, the trick with these things

is you gotta give people

the illusion of self-expression.

That's all these people have.

And that is definitely, definitely

something that we can build off of.

Craig, thank you.

I've also asked Ian here

to put together a second pitch. Ian?

-Yeah. Hey, thank you, Craig. -Yeah.

Great.

So... piggy-backing off that,

why don't we flip this thing on its head?

Mayor Seth Nichols. Superhero.

I look like a Marvel.

Like Hulk, remember him?

You wanna know what this looks like?

Another four years.

Yeah, I just had a great moment of inspiration.

This might be it.

How about this?

Mayor Nichols.

Coward. Pig. Fuck.

Uh, his wife is missing, sir.

You only care about yourself, you sack of shit.

You don't care about the city.

I had to go to war with the city

to put in a speed bump.

I'm gonna beat the fucking shit out of you.

-No, no, no! -You motherfucker.

Get the fuck off me!

-I'm gonna beat the shit... -Let's get him out.

Don't pick me up, Ian. This is embarrassing.

Do not... Watch out for my chair!

Watch out for my chair!

Ah! I'm gonna beat the shit outta you!

-Get him out! -No!

Oh, you spilled that water.

You spilled water.

If it was you actually doing it,

I would be afraid. But he's all like...

Yeah.

Craig.

Craig, get your stuff.

-Right now. -I was joking around.

Craig, leave.

Craig Waterman.

Craig, Detective Persons here.

We found Tami.

Is she... alive?

-Here, Mom. -Thank you.

It's hot, be careful.

Blasting the heat.

It's so fucking hot in here.

What tea did Stevie give you?

Is that... that apple berry?

It's really good right after a bite of fudge.

I'm going to get dressed.

We have people coming over tomorrow.

What people?

-Hey, welcome back, Tami. -Welcome back, Tami!

Oh, hey, I'm sorry.

Is, uh, is there a bathroom around?

-Hey. -Hey, man.

You're the husband, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm Craig Waterman.

-This is my house. -Oh, cool, cool.

The bathroom's right there.

Oh, awesome. Thanks. Yeah.

Dude. Cool drums, man.

Oh, thank you, man.

Yeah, these things are fucking awesome.

You don't see a lot of green drums.

You know what I mean, kind of like '70's type.

'70's. That's what I was going for, '70's vibe.

-That's a cool decade. -Very cool.

Got a lot of good music. A lot of good music.

A lot of good music. A lot of good music.

Yeah. Economically, could've been better.

-Absolutely. Yeah. -Yeah.

But we came back.

Hey, I gotta ask you, man. How does it feel?

Oh, to have Tami back?

It's honestly, uh, an incredible relief.

No, how does it feel to ditch your wife?

You can't use my fucking toilet.

You know what I would do?

I... I look at your wife and I say, "Oh, my God.

"I would love to just even be

"a non-sexual partner with her."

You know what I mean?

In business or something like that.

And I would never say, "Hey, come into a sewer

"so I can... fucking kill you."

I didn't try and kill her in the sewer.

-It was an adventure. -You should be dead!

-You shouldn't even be alive. -You... Fucking...

You don't even know me, get the fuck outta here!

Hey! Hey! Don't do that!

Fuck you! You fucking piece of shit!

She's so beautiful!

-Get the fuck outta my garage! -Fuck you!

Fuck you, you psycho! Who are you?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey!

Sorry about that. Uh... just, uh...

wanted to give a little speech to the, um,

the guest of honor, my wife Tami Waterman.

When we went to those tunnels,

it was for adventure.

You know, most people think getting dessert

at Spaghetti Freddy's is wild.

Well, Tami and I do things a little bit differently.

And, uh, this one, just...

this one got away from us.

But here we are. On the edge of life.

And the view...

is absolutely gorgeous.

To Tami.

Tami.

Thank you.

Austin. Austin.

Look, I got up here.

Come on, you should get up here if you wanna talk.

Since we're doing toasts, um...

Man, my heart is overflowing with relief

that one of the brightest souls

in this dark world is still with us.

When she was lost,

I was like a caveman who lost his fire.

No pun intended.

This is a special woman right here.

She's a... she's a warrior. She's a healer.

She's a...

a mother, um...

Me and my crew was up all night looking for her.

I'm just so lucky that she's safe, you know,

because I don't know what I would be without you.

To Tami Pinto.

Uh, Tami Waterman. It's actually Tami Waterman,

for 16 years. That's my best friend.

I just wanna thank you all so much for coming.

You are all like my family.

You're my friends, but really, you're my family.

Okay, this has turned into

a little bit of a free for all.

Uh, if you wanna talk...

uh, please get on the chair.

And you can form a line here

by the dips and spreads. Okay?

You know what? We should maybe even kick it up a notch.

Let's kick it up a notch, huh?

How about a parade? Wouldn't that be fun?

A parade for Tami. Come on, folks!

Come on, Tami.

People are gonna say, what the fuck--

Uh, my name's Patton.

Um, I just wanna get up here.

Uh, I'm so like, suddenly so nervous. Um...

Come on, everybody!

Fucking little rats.

We're just so happy that you made it out

and, uh, the world's a better place.

I'll leave you guys with this.

We should still be in Afghanistan

and I don't know why we pulled out

in the way we did,

it was a shame.

Hey there, and welcome back.

We are very lucky today.

Joining us now...

Hey, Stevie. Where's your mom?

Let's take a look at that seven-day forecast.

And... Whoa! Look at all that sun.

It is on the way.

It is absolutely on the way.

Whoa!

Did you just nut your OVDs?

Come on, Stevie. I didn't nut my OVDs.

Take a picture, your mom's on the TV.

It's okay.

-And that means a storm is... -Heading out.

That's right. It's heading out.

It is heading out.

-You are doing a terrific job. - No.

I tell ya. Are we hiring?

'Cause I think we've got a candidate right here.

Oh, no.

Thank you, Austin and Tami.

Back with much more after this.

Oh, I love this commercial. This guy's really funny.

Hey. I got the day off.

Wanna do something? Go to Rick's Bar?

Rick's Bar? It's 7:30 in the morning.

And we're 16.

Oh, you can have my drums. They're yours now.

Thank you. I gotta go to school.

Um, you ready?

Thanks for the baked potato.

Yep.

Didn't even know you had it.

So just keep peeling them back.

Okay.

You know, as many as you'd like.

Oh, I feel so... I'm a little nervous.

Are you?

I'mma say I'm a little nervous.

It does look like you're shaking just a little bit.

Just a little bit. Just a little bit. I know that.

I had a banana this morning

and I'm afraid I'm gonna overdo it.

You're too funny.

So, I just want you to take a look

right here at this gorgeous flower.

Wow.

Tell me. Doesn't it look like an artist painted that?

Okay, you know what?

You just gave me goosebumps.

I love how you see the world.

I love how you see the world.

You've reached Tami's Florals.

Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

Hey, honey, it's me again.

Craig. Craig Waterman.

Said my fucking last name to you.

Uh, sorry. I've already had a few boots to drink,

to be honest with you.

Um...

I... I made us a reservation.

Under the last name Fudge.

So we're gonna have to show up and say, uh,

we're the Fudges.

Okay. Call me at Rick's Bar.

Love ya.

Honey? Hey.

I was worried about you.

Come on, let's go to dinner.

I told you I had plans tonight.

You did?

Was that someone else?

I sent you a voicemail too.

I made us a little reservation.

I'm fine to just order in too, if you want.

How was your day?

It was amazing.

Yeah, I saw... I saw you chatting up

with everybody on the idiot box.

My heart is still racing.

I met so many great people.

Austin.

So sweet.

Yeah.

You looked so good on there.

You looked beautiful.

Oh, I think I might... I'm think I might try

to make those biscuits I made... tomorrow too.

You're wearing, like, a perfume?

It's a cologne.

Huh.

Yeah, it's a cologne.

Hi.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Okay. Bye, hun.

Wrong number?

If we're gonna go to dinner,

we should probably go right now.

I have... I have a dinner with the TV people.

They're gonna be here any minute.

Well, is there room for one more?

I didn't know you were free.

Yes, I'm free. Of course I'm free.

I'm always free.

And, you know,

you wouldn't be a big TV star

if I didn't take you to that little cool place.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Sorry.

I...

I had an orgasm in the sewer system.

That's great.

-Yeah. -That's great.

Congratulations. That's really good.

How?

I was just, you know,

sitting there in the dark and, uh...

I had this... realization.

And then this release.

And boom. Just, uh...

my whole, my whole body was vibrating.

I mean...

Wow.

It wasn't as fun for me.

I just lost my phone and I got arrested by the pigs.

You know,

that my mom never left my narcissistic dad.

I'm not gonna let that happen to me.

I'm gonna go stay in Devin's pool house.

Until I can find a place of my own.

Who?

Become a hero,

with the new Zenith mobile Hero Plan.

Ask your store representative how they can help you

on your journey to greatness.

I was able to get you the last one.

Oh.

Did you wanna do another Mars Rover case with that?

Yeah. Um...

I want something a little stronger than beer.

Last time I was here, you said you'd give me

something that's stronger.

Ramon.

I'm on break.

Come with me.

My name's Tony, but when my hair's down,

people call me T-Boy.

What are you looking for?

I'm stuck.

I'm about to lose everything.

I can give you weed, X, uh... shrooms.

Adderall.

Um...

Do you have, uh, do you have ayahuasca?

Oh, no.

Uh... but I do have Toad.

-Toad? -Yeah.

The Buffalo River toad.

You, uh, you lick the psychedelic venom

that it excretes off its rear glands.

He's similar to ayahuasca, but the trip is way faster.

How much is the frog?

The toad.

$100.

What the hell am I supposed to feed him?

No. It's $100 for a lick, man.

I'm out of ideas, man.

Lick a toad.

Sorry, my money kinda smells really bad

for some reason.

The bank gave it to me and it smelled really bad.

Here. You gave me too much.

Oh.

That was sweet of you.

You ready?

I don't know. I don't know.

Here's a little pillow.

Thank you.

Your mind is about to disintegrate.

And then your consciousness is gonna expand

to become all of infinity.

You will feel a pain unlike anything

you've ever felt before,

followed by a bliss, which... can't even be described.

You will die and be reborn.

I'm gonna turn off the lights for you.

I'm gonna put on some music

and I'm gonna go get some lunch

because it's my lunch break.

You're gonna have such an incredible journey.

I love you.

It is like ice cream on a hot summer day.

Don't pop him.

You look like you're gonna pop him.

Can you... Can you stay with me?

I'm sorry.

I need to go get some Rolos and a Red Bull.

It's time for you to touch God.

Oh, big lick.

Was that too big?

Fuck. Was that too big?

I love you, toad boy.

It's T-Boy.

I love you, T-Boy.

Hey.

I actually did a little work for Red Bull.

They were so mean to me.

Oh, hey. How you doing, man?

What's for lunch today?

Black Forest ham.

Perfect choice.

What kind of bread?

Let's go with... Italian herb and cheese.

All right.

Foot long, right?

Yes.

Usual toppings?

Foot long cookie on the side.

Yes, please.

Thank you.

Not toasted, right?

Eh, let's be wild. Toast it.

Welcome back, Craig.

-Is it over? -Yeah, it's over.

How long did your trip feel? Four or five months?

It was like a minute.

I went to Subway.

The eatery?

What happened?

I ordered.

Did you get the answer you were looking for?

No, I ordered a sandwich at Subway!

The toad is mysterious.

That frog ripped me off.

Little asshole, little fucker.

Welcome to your new life.

This is why guys shouldn't have friends.

It'll get you in a ton of trouble.

People need rules.

All I need are goals.

Like trying to eat the full SEAL Team Six lunch

at Rick's Bar.

Oh, my God.

I can't fucking finish all this stuff.

It's the meal the guys ate after they killed Osama

and buried him at sea. It's 22,000 calories.

Yeah, eat up.

I'm Craig.

You're gonna grow up to be a beautiful old guy.

Thank you, Steven.

I hope you're serious about that.

If you want a pal, just have a son.

At the end of the day, I'm a lone wolf.

I accept that.

Hey, Dad, you didn't tell them it was my birthday, did you?

Of course not. Did you?

Mmm-mmm. No.

Okay good, 'cause you know I hate that shit.

I mean, you know I hate that shit.

Anyway, I'm gonna go get a waiver.

-What's it called? -It's an application.

Application. 'Cause, like, literally,

having two girlfriends is killing me financially.

How's, uh, Devin's and the pool house now?

Oh, I saw him, uh, on the news.

-I saw Devin on the news. -Hmm.

They interviewed him 'cause one of his friends

got all burnt up.

He looked good.

-Devin looked good? -Devin looked good.

Is Dad talking to you about that wild hike we went on

where he ate all those bad mushrooms again?

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. That just, that scared me.

It's fine.

-Sir. -No, no, it's fine.

Sir?

You just bumped into this young lady here

and I think you should apologize.

Did I?

Yeah, you did.

She almost spilled her stuffed pepper all over herself.

Can you please apologize?

I'm not scared of you.

I bought a van today.

Apologies, ma'am.

Enjoy your peppers.

Thank you.

You bought a van?

I think we gotta get the fuck outta here.

What?

I think we gotta get the fuck out of here.

Oh, come on.

Let's all enjoy our meals.

-What the hell did I just do? -It's fine.

Oh, you motherfuckers.

You motherfuckers.

Happy birthday!

Blow it out. Come on, we gotta go.

Craig... this is too much.

Well, you needed it and you deserve it.

Hey, Mom, do you wanna come inside after this

and watch a movie or something?

Um...

Yeah.

Yes. Whatever you want, birthday boy.

Cool.

Oh! Austin got a new car.

Sick.

Whoa. That is so fucking pimp.

There's lots of cars.

They must be having a party.

Oh, by the way.

This came. Um... it's the wrong address again.

All right. Can you run it down to him?

-I'm gonna give Ma the tour. -Yeah. Okay.

Oh! By the way, there's a new Marvel we should totally rent.

I heard it's pretty crazy.

Yeah, that'd be... that'd be really nice.

Craig.

I can't believe you got me that van.

Seriously. It is... it's so...

I should've done it a long time ago.

I wasted so much time doing nothing.

Hey.

You been working out?

I'm just losing weight

'cause I walk all day, every single day,

and everybody screams at me. Everybody fucking hates me.

Huh.

You look like you've been working out.

You been working out?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

Yeah. You wanna feel my abs?

Yeah, if that's all right.

Yeah.

Okay. I don't know how to do it.

-No, do it hard! -All right.

I can't. Oh! Ouch!

-This is good, right? -Well, I didn't say hit me!

Hi.

What, are you guys punching each other?

Oh, shit.

I forgot to get candles. I gotta get candles.

All right. We'll do presents in about five minutes.

All right? You little heartbreaker.

Hey, Craig.

You wanna take it for a spin?

Yeah. Hell yeah.

It's really nice having you in the house.

I'll see you soon.

All right, I'll be back.

Who's he?

Hey, Zed!

Look at this.

We're just getting started

and I'm already double-fisting.

Hey, everybody. It's been a minute.

Craig.

You can't just come in here.

I just came to congratulate you

on that hot rod. That thing is pimp!

My God!

Heck, yeah.

Come on, why don't we, uh...

I actually got a new car myself.

I got a Town and Country, midnight envy green,

-gently used. It's so cool. -Let's go catch up...

-I should bring mine... -Why don't we...

Hey! Snacks are going all out tonight.

Oh, Garrett.

I've been thinking so much

about your little busty daughter

who everybody keeps staring at.

Why are people such bad people?

All right.

I'll be outta your hair in just a sec.

I just wanted to apologize

for how I acted the last time we hung out.

I wanna say sorry to Austin for popping you and...

making the night weird and have to end early.

I just think it's...

a lot of stress I'm dealing with right now

and it came out in that way, I'm sorry.

Well, look, hey, we appreciate that, Craig.

Honestly. Come on.

Let me show you the hot rod. Come on.

Is it cool if I stay?

I apologized.

So, that's it.

I did one strange thing and I'm toast?

One thing.

That's it. One thing and you throw me out.

Maybe you guys are the bad guys, huh?

Are you guys the bad guys?

I mean, I know you're not.

But can you give me a second chance?

Give me a second chance.

Get to know me.

Ask me something. Get to know me.

All right, come on. Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Come on! Ask me something.

Whoa, whoa!

Get to know me, come on! Get to know me!

Ask me something!

I got great "Would you rathers!"

Don't I, Austin?

Would you rathers?

Would you rather, like...

Oh, would you rather, uh, do stand up

for one whole year just for your dad,

or would you rather fucking... I don't know.

I can't think of anything! I'm too nervous!

I'm too nervous and stressed!

You.

Ask me something. Ask me something!

All right, uh...

What...

What's your favorite food?

Fuck, I can't fucking think of anything!

I'm too nervous!

Somebody else ask me!

You!

Who the hell are you?

You guys got a new guy?

There's a new guy?

-What's your name? -Jimp.

I got two twin girls.

Jim?

No, Jimp.

It's like jump with an "I."

-Jimp? -Jimp. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

This is fucking insane.

This is insane.

I'm sorry.

Should we just sing?

Let's sing.

Fuck!

Everybody, get the fuck on the ground!

I'm in charge now! I'm the one in charge!

Don't even fucking look at me!

Keep your heads down!

Your hair.

I'll blow your heads off!

Keep 'em down!

Garrett, I wanna blow your fat fucking head off!

You demand attention! I'm sick of it!

You rich babies!

You're good.

All right, folks.

This has been a blast.

But unfortunately,

it's a school night for your daddy.

You rats!

You called the fucking cops?

-Great hanging, Craigy. -So fun, dude.

Great to see you guys.

Great to see you, man.

Of course, of course.

-I'll see you Friday night. -Yes. Yes. I'll be there.

-I'll call you later. -Yeah, see ya. See ya.

Yeah.

All right. All right.

Hey.

You know how to get home, right?

I'll do my best.

Hey.

I love you, rock star.

I love you, Craigy.