Original subtitles

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♪ You took the part ♪

♪ That once was my heart ♪

♪ So why not ♪

♪ Take all of me? ♪

(man) One, two, three, four...

[upbeat tempo\

[dialogue inaudible]

Take it, Roger.

[guitar solo\

[applause]

[saxophone solo]

[groans]

[playing mellow jazz]

[alarm ringing]

- I'm getting too old for this.

[ringing stops]

[sighs\

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell ringing again and again]

Oh, god...

-Happy birthday, my darling!

So, how does it feel to be 38?

-Oh, great.

Just think, in two years I'll be 40.

In 12 years I'll be 50.

L-I'm really excited about this.

It's--it's fun!

-Oh, sweetie!

-Hey, what am I doing with my life?

What am I doing with my career?

What am I doing with us?

- You're boring us. - Yeah.

-Do you love it?

It's an African grave post.

Is that gorgeous?!

-You bought me a grave post for my 38th birthday?

Look, I'm sorry, I like it. I really do.

It's really nice.

Look, um, I've been thinking.

Remember--remember that thing you used to want to talk about,

and I never did?

You know, uh, the "m" word?

Well, I think maybe it's time that we did the "m" word.

-Roger, I don't think you're ready

to do the "m" word.

-Yeah, I am. Honest.

Peggy, I wanna get..."M" ed.

-Roger... if you can't say the "m" word,

then you're not ready to do the "m" word.

-Of course I can say the "m" word, jeez.

[strangled strains]

Marriage. Marriage. Of course I can say it.

What do you think?

-I think we shouldn't get into this right now.

You're gonna be late for work,

and you know how daddy hates that.

I just came by to wish you a happy, happy 38th.

Mwah!

-"Happy 38th."

That's a contradiction in terms, you know.

(Jazz saxophone playing)

That was very bodacious.

-Hey, Roger dodger. What it is!

Hey, Bix!

[barking\

-Making any money today?

-Almost as much as I made last night.

- That bad, huh? - Yeah.

Look, Roger, I been thinking

of joining Jimmy Bower's big band.

I want you to come and go with me.

-Uh, I appreciate it, Ty, but, uh--

-No, no, don't give me that "but, but..." Jive.

Hey, look at this face.

-I'm quitting the group, Ty.

-You're doin' what?

-I gotta give up something.

I figure I still have time

to make something of myself as a lawyer.

And I'm not going any further as a musician.

-Oh, this is an unhappy face!

-It's not that unhappy.

-Hey, this is the face of a man

who is giving up the wrong thing.

-Don't pick my nose, okay?

[Bix barks] if you do not correct your thinkin'

in this matter,

I shall be forced to tell the world

that you are a honky mook!

-Tyrone, you really should not call another person

a honky mook.

-And why not?

-Well, for one reason, you're white.

-I am?

-Yeah.

[playing Auld Lang Syne]

♪ ♪

Oh, my god, I am.

-I'm late, Ty. I gotta go.

I'm doing the right thing. Really.

-You be cool, fool.

Good jammin' with you, Bix! [barks]

[sighs\

Well?

-Well, you're dying, all right.

-Ever since I was a child,

doctors have been telling me I'm dying.

-Yeah, well, I guess you've had enough practice

because you're really doing it now.

-How much time?

-A week. A day.

- A month? - Mm-mm.

-Good.

The phone.

Got a cigarette?

-You don't smoke.

-Can't hurt now.

[chuckles]

Thank you.

-Uhh..

-After 32 years of marriage,

you're still a naughty little devil, aren't you?

[phone buzzes\

Shouldn't you answer that? Maybe it's your wife.

-Eh, ever since she filed for divorce,

she hardly ever calls anymore. [knock on door]

-Oh.

-I'm sorry, Mr. Schuyler,

but Edwina Cutwater is on one.

-Oh, god. All right.

-It's okay.

I just wanted to tell you...

Your wife subpoenaed me.

-Oh, Gretch, I am so sorry about that.

I do have to take this call.

Ooh...

[telephone ringing]

-Morning, Margo.

-Ah, good morning, Roger.

Good morning, Bix.

-Any good ones for me today?

Any unfairly evicted tenants?

Uh, farm workers, Indians?

-Well, Mr. Van Rensilia called.

He wants you to fire his chauffeur.

Mr. Spencer Sr. wants you to draw up

a pre-marital agreement for Mr. Spencer Jr.

And finally, Mr. Spencer Jr. called.

He wants you to tell Mr. Spencer Sr.

To mind his own friggin' business.

May justice prevail.

-Why do I do it?

-I think it's called paying dues.

-I've been paying dues for 11 years.

I should own the entire club by now.

-Right on, Roger.

-No more.

I want worthwhile cases.

I want to defend right against wrong!

I want a partnership.

-You're telling the wrong people, Roger.

-I know, I was practicing pretty good, huh?

I think wadding the messages is very effective.

I'm gonna do this for Schuyler right now.

-Seymour, she was the fourth woman today

to tell me she'd been subpoenaed.

[knock on door\

-Mr. Schuyler, I have to talk to you.

-I don't want her on the stand.

Listen, if you haven't got the guts

to handle this the right way,

I'm going to find someone who does!

Unh!

Mr. Schuyler, I was just gonna call you.

Get Miss Cutwater's files.

Go out to the house.

Edwina claims that she's finally dying

and needs to get her affairs in order.

-No. Uh...

I have to discuss my future here with you right now.

-Well, Roger, we are discussing your future.

You're going out to Edwina Cutwater's house.

-I want a partnership.

-Listen, they day you give up bebop

and concentrate on the law, we'll talk.

-Then start talking.

I quit the band.

As of today, I'm dedicating myself full-time

to my legal career.

Later today, I'm going to buy a vest.

-My god... You're serious.

-I am serious.

But I want to start handling real cases, the big cases.

No more of this trick-or-treat stuff!

-Roger, you don't know how long I have waited

to hear you say those words.

-Yeah, but going out to Edwina Cutwater's house--

-No, no, no. Listen to me.

Long after Edwina is gone from this Earth,

her estate is going to generate more income

for this office

than most small countries see in a year.

And it's gonna take a lot of very sophisticated

legal expertise

to structure and administer those affairs.

Now, you do this for me today-- go out to her house--

And I'll put you in charge of all that.

Now, if that's not real law--

If that's not big law--

I don't know what the hell is.

- Actually, the more I think about this thing,

the better it sounds.

Don't look at me like that, will ya?

I'm not going in there as a messenger boy.

I'm going in as a highly skilled legal advisor.

This is really good.

No more being looked down upon

by people who think they're better than I am

because they're rich.

From now on I'm gonna be respected

by people who think they're better than I am

because they're rich.

Hi, Roger Cobb from Schuyler and Mifflin

to see Miss Cutwater.

-Yes, sir. You are expected.

-I'll show him up.

-Thank you.

-Betty Ahrens.

-I'm Roger Cobb.

-Try not to excite her, okay?

-Grayson? Oh, Grayson?

-Uh, yes, madam?

-Don't forget to pick up the invitations.

And make sure they're hand-delivered

the moment I die.

-The moment you die! Yes, madam.

-Ahh.

Uh, mister...

- Cobb. - Cobb.

Ah, yes, you're the tedious one.

Would you mind accompanying me back

to my bed stand?

Now, here's the name of my caterer.

And the evening's menu.

Make sure they include plenty of goose pate.

- Excuse me... - it's marvelous.

-This is, uh, for the funeral?

-One does not have goose pate at a funeral.

Now, Mr. Fulton Norris has a wonderful society orchestra.

I should like you to engage him

for the entire weekend.

- This is a wake, then? - Heavens no.

It's for a party.

And I want it to be a corker.

Guess what I'm going to do. - What?

-I'm going to come back from the dead.

-Oh...

And, uh... [clears throat]

What makes you think you can do that?

-Because I'm rich.

[sighs\

Grayson, come in here, please. Over.

-Miss Cutwater, uh,

this is not a parking ticket we're talking about here.

This--this is the, uh... Grim Reaper.

You cannot bribe the Grim Reaper.

-[chuckles] Oh, Mr. Cobb,

I spent a lifetime shackled by frailty and poor health.

Wheelchairs and sick beds.

It's my heart, you see.

It means well, but it's always been something...

[sighs] of a lemon.

I've had all the money in the world

and not one good chance to enjoy it.

I have never been to Europe.

I've never been anywhere, really.

Oh, sure, I've--

I've ordered form Neiman's and Gucci's.

But I've never actually been there.

I've never ridden my horses.

I've never been to the ballet.

I've never danced.

But Cutwaters aren't quitters.

So I've decided that if my wealth cannot help me

in this life,

then, by God, it's going to buy me another one.

Ah, Grayson.

- You, uh, walkie-talkied, madam?

- Yes, please send in Mr. Prahka Lasa

and what's her name, Fred's daughter.

- Miss Terry, madam.

- Gas me.

-Excuse me, am I just getting you goose pate,

or do you have any legal work for me?

- Of course I do.

I need you to amend my will.

So that what's her name, um...

Fred's daughter will become inheritor

for my entire estate.

[coughing\ So we must draw up a new codicil.

We'll need it witnessed.

Ah, your grace.

- Oh! - Oh, ya ya--oh!

- It's all right, Prahka. - (Prahka) All right.

-Come in.

[speaking foreign language] Come in, come in, come in.

Come, come. Come, come.

-Namaste.

-What's going on here?

-Wait.

-Who's Fred's daughter?

[Prahka humming\

Hello.

-Hello, I'm Terry Hoskins.

-Roger Cobb.

Uh, so, you're Fred's daughter.

-Mm-hmm.

-(Roger) Who the heck is Fred?

-(Terry) Daddy, come in, please.

-Oh...

I'm against the whole thing, I am.

-My father is Miss Cutwater's stableman.

-It's unnatural.

-Uh, let me get something straight here.

You're going to will all of your money

to the stableman's daughter,

and he's against it.

-No.

-But he just said--

-You see, I shall inherit nothing.

-But you just said you wanted to make her

your sole beneficiary.

-That is correct.

-So you will inherit the estate.

-No, she won't.

-What am I missing here?

-You see,

thanks to his holiness, Prahka Lasa,

I'm going to be transmigrated.

-What?

[clears throat]

-Transmigrated means that my soul is going

to leave my body forever

and become one with the universe.

At which time my soul will enter her body.

-Ah, good plan.

-I'm sorry,

but I don't think it's a good plan at all.

My daughter's soul leaving her body

and going off to who knows where?

-Fred, let's not go through all this again, shall we?

-Oh, I know I wasn't much of a father to her

when she was growing up.

But I won't lose her again now.

I won't!

-Zip it, Fred.

-Miss Cutwater, as your attorney

it is my duty to inform you

that your will could be contested

if you're deemed...

Not of perfectly sound mind.

-Why, you presumptuous ambulance chaser.

Are you insinuating that I am not

of perfectly sound mind?

-No, no, I wouldn't do that.

But I think practically everybody

in the solar system would.

-Mr. Cobb, the last thing I need around here

is your ill-informed negativity.

Get out.

[coughing]

[wheezing and coughing\

[bell ringing]

-Thanks for not exciting her!

Breathe.

[Prahka chanting]

There, there.

-(Fred) it's not natural.

Terry... [both chanting]

-(Edwina) No, Prahka, not yet.

Prahka, not yet. There, there.

-(Edwina) I'm all right.

I'm not ready.

-Is everybody here bananas?

-(Edwina) Mr. Cobb...

Let me explain something to you.

You see--

Closer, please.

[coughs]

That's for "bananas." Now get out!

-What century is this?

-Now you hurt my hand.

I'm going to tell Mr. Schuyler

that you're an insolent little toad,

and demand that he fire you!

-Why don't you just enter his body

and do it yourself?!

-And don't you come back,

you peasant!

-Look, lady,

just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment

and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant!

And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment

and exploit the workers.

I'm sure he did.

It's just that as a barber,

he didn't have that much opportunity!

God!

[sighs\

-Grayson,

bring the car and my hairdresser,

and the gold and diamond jewelry.

Over.

-I've got to hand it to you. It's brilliant.

-What is?

-Your scam.

It's legal, it's logical.

I thought the bit with the bowl

was overdoing it a little,

but it's certainly original.

-The bowl, Mr. Cobb, is attuned to the harmonics

of Miss Cutwater's life force.

When her body dies, it becomes the repository

of that life force.

So I hold the bowl, and it becomes the conduit

from her body to mine.

-And you really believe that?

-Yes.

-Of course, uh, if you're wrong,

you inherit 20 million bucks.

-I don't want her money.

When I was 15,

I ran away from home thinking I could find myself

in the material world.

I found only pain.

His holiness Prahka Lasa teaches that

possessions transmit pain.

I want something far more valuable than money.

Far more elusive...

For which I'm willing to give up my physical being

and become one with the universe.

-And, uh, don't you think that's just a little bit...

Wacko?

-Feel my heart.

You are unhappy.

You are anxious and unfulfilled

because you are not doing with your life

as you wish.

I am at peace.

Which one of us is crazy?

-You are.

Well, thank you.

Hi, Margo.

-Oh, Mr. Durant called.

He needs you to set up a Bermuda corporation

so he can write off his honeymoon.

Also, there was a call-- - Forget it.

I'm telling Schuyler today he's gotta play me or trade me.

-He's in the conference room with Miss Cutwater.

-She's here?

-Also with her doctor,

with her nurse, Mr. Mifflin,

some English girl with no bra,

and a Hindu holding a bedpan on a stick.

I don't think you should go in there.

[inhales deeply] - Mmmmm...

-We just have a little more to go over now.

Are you strong enough to continue?

-Mmmm...

-What?

Oh, I'm fine. Really.

[coughs]

I'm fine. Tell them.

-She could drop dead any minute.

-Never mind her,

she's only trying to make me feel good.

[door opens]

-I'm very sorry to interrupt.

Madam, I wish to apologize for upsetting you before.

Mr. Schuyler, if I could see you--

-Mr. Cobb, please, don't grovel.

-I'm not groveling.

I'm apologizing.

If I could see you outside...

-If you're trying to save your job,

you're too late.

-What?

-It's quite lost by now.

-Let me tell you something.

My father worked himself into an early grave

defending the rights of needy people

in a rat-infested store front over on 9th street!

When he died,

my mother took a job as a plumber's assistant

so I could go to law school and carry on in his name.

So now if the only job I can get is in some

skid row legal aid office, I'd just as soon take it

as have to kowtow to people like her

- That's enough! - for the rest of my life!

You know what you are? You're an energy vampire!

- That's enough! - You leap on my neck.

You suck all the fun out of being a lawyer!

-Now, that's enough! [door shuts\

I have never heard such a moronic load

of crap in my life.

-Well, I don't have to take that.

-No, not you, her. [chuckles]

Did you hear what she wants to do with her soul?

- Yeah. - Jesus Christ.

The woman is looney tunes. - She's nuts!

-But you

Roger, you've got guts.

I never saw you stand up to anyone like that before.

You have a fire burning inside you.

To defend people who really need you.

And I never knew that about your father.

Or your mother.

-Well, I made that up.

- You didn't. - Yeah.

[chuckles\ -You son of a gun.

-It's pretty good, huh?

-Oh... [chuckles]

I like a man who thinks on his feet.

-Well, thanks.

-Roger, I have a case that needs a lawyer

just like you.

You win it, and I'll put you up for a partnership.

-Wait, this is not for one of these rich goofballs, is it?

-No, no, no.

It's for a very nice man...

Who's getting divorced.

-I think I'm gonna be a partner.

-Mazel tov!

-Mwah!

Oh, Bix, you're gonna be a partner's best friend!

Mwah!

[Bix barks]

Oh...

Call the Fulton Norris Orchestra.

Tell them that Miss Cutwater

has requested her favorite saxophone player,

Tyrone Wattell, for her party.

And she'd like him to receive $1,000 for the night.

We go inform Mr. Wattell.

Come on, Bix. [Bix barks]

-What a guy.

-Now, then...

Ahh.

Mr. Mifflin can witness the codicil.

I will sign as executor of the estate,

and we will be all signed, sealed, and...

-Oh...

A tunnel... - Hmm?

-Edwina.

-With a very bright light.

-I was afraid of this.

-What the hell's she talking about?

Terry, oh... Prahka.

[intoning]

-(Schuyler) What the hell is going on?

- Mrs. Cutwater? - Wait a minute.

[all talking excitedly at once]

[chanting in foreign language]

-Did she sign everything?

-(Dr. Ahrens) Ms Ten I.V. Hurry!

-(Schuyler) Kim!

Call the insurance company.

[chanting and intoning]

[chanting and intoning]

How is she?

Will she be all right?

Doctor?

-(Dr. Ahrens) I'm losing her.

I'm losing her.

[intoning]

Get out of my way, you fool!

[exclaiming in foreign language]

-(Dr. Ahrens) I lost her.

[bowl clanking on pavement]

-(Edwina) Where am I?

-What?

-[Edwina gasps\ I'm breathing.

I must be alive.

-Who said that?

-(Edwina) No, it can't be. I just died.

-I'm picking up General Hospital

in my fillings.

-(Edwina) Then it worked.

Oh, my lord!

(Roger) Aah! Aah!

[grumbling]

-What the hell is happening to me?

[Roger as Edwina] I feel like the healthiest woman alive.

Oh...

(Roger) Who said that?

I did. I'm going crazy.

-(Edwina) Uh-oh.

That does not sound like Fred's daughter.

-No, I'm not going crazy.

Something hit me on the head. Ah! Oh...

I'm just hallucinating.

That's all. Oh...

Aah!

- Oh, shit.

-What the hell are you doing in there?!

-I can't believe this.

I can't even die right.

-Why are you doing this to me?

-Dear God.

Don't you get enough laughs up there?!

What did I ever do to you?

-Somebody please tell me this is not happening.

-(Edwina) I'm afraid it is.

So let's just go inside

and have Prahka Lasa straighten out this mess.

-(Roger) Oh, jeez. I can't move my right leg.

I'm paralyzed.

-(Edwina) Here, let me try.

-Aaaaah--ow!

[grumbling]

-(Edwina) We--we--we obviously have mutual control

over our body.

-(Roger) Our body?! It's my body!

I'm not sharing my body with anyone!

-Everybody's gonna be real disappointed.

[shudders]

Wha-- where are we going?

[Roger, as Edwina] We've got to find Prahka Lasa.

(Roger) I can't go in there. Schuyler will think--

Excuse me, this is a private conversation.

Do you mind? Ah! - -no!

-(Edwina) Please just do as I say.

-Noooo...

[Roger and Edwina grunting\

(Roger) Aaaaaa...

-(Edwina)Ah, you seem to have control over the left side of your body,

while I feel dominant on the right.

Oh, let go of that.

Uhh--Ahh...

[knuckles cracking] - Unh!

- Oh, you bitch!

[Roger, as Edwina] How about a little respect for the deceased.

Ahh--Ahh--Uhh.

(Roger as Edwina) Let go of my hand, you brute.

(Roger) I will not.

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

[knuckles crack] Ow!

-(Edwina) Just stop it!

If you want me out of you,

then you must stop this ridiculous behavior.

[barking\

-(Roger) Lady, I don't know how you got in there,

but I'm gonna get you out of me right now.

Let's go.

Unh. [barking\

-(Edwina) Just wait. I'll go first.

Calm down and try to concentrate.

I'm the right side...

And you're the left.

First me, then you.

Me, you.

See?

If we just cooperate.

Now all we have to do is find Prahka Lasa.

-(Roger) Actually, there's something we have to do first.

-(Edwina) What?

-(Roger) I really have to take a leak.

[Roger, as Edwina\ Oh.

(Roger) Bix, go see Margo.

-(Edwina) Your foot, my foot, your foot, my foot.

Very good.

Your foot, my foot, your foot, my foot.

We're doing wonderfully well.

-Isn't it awful?

(Roger) You have no idea.

[Roger, as Edwina, gasps] I can't go in there.

That's the men's room.

(Roger) Just shut up and do as I say!

[whistling\

[grunting]

-Don't you ever, ever yell at me again.

-I'm sorry, but this is not my idea of a good time.

-Well, I am not exactly having one of my best days either.

I died five minutes ago.

-Uhh--oh.

Uhh! God!

You'll have to do it.

-I'll have to do what?

-You know, take it out.

-Take what out?

-The little fireman.

-The little fireman?

-You know, my penis!

-How dare you say "penis" to a dead person.

-Listen, lady, if you don't give big Ed some air,

he's gonna piss all over your half of my body!

-Mr. Cobb, if you are trying to scare me,

it won't work.

[both clear throats\

[zipper unzips]

(Roger) - Unh! Ha-Ahh-Ahh!

Oh, jeez!

Aah!

Damn it, stop it!

All right, first, let go of your grip.

Ahh.

Now slowly take your hand off.

Slowly!

All right, now, we're going to try it again.

Carefully.

Very carefully.

[both clear throats\

(Roger) What the hell are you doing in there?!

-I am trying to release your Mr. Ed.

-Well, stop playing with it already

and take it out! Oof--

-You don't have to talk out loud.

I can hear your thoughts.

(Edwina) Mmm.

-[Roger, thinking] Oh, great.

Just what I always wanted.

[clears throat]

[sighs\

Mm.

[exhales]

-Shall I tap?

-Yes.

-Tap, tap.

-Thank you.

-Mm.

I meant what I said about yelling.

-I was, uh, just talking to myself in there.

[telephone ringing]

It wasn't anything, really.

-[Edwina gasps\ There's Fred's daughter!

-[Roger, as Edwina] Yoo-hoo, Terry!

(Roger) Stop it!

From now on, don't use my mouth.

And try to walk more like a man!

-All right.

-Mr. Cobb, I feel so terrible.

-I know. It's not your fault it didn't work.

-How do you know it didn't work?

-You're not gonna believe this.

Hey, where's the swami?

-Oh, he left when all those people came in.

He's very shy, you know.

-Left? Well, where did he go?

-[Roger, as Edwina] Oh, stop worrying. I know where to find him.

(Roger) You better had.

-Mr. Cobb?

-You still want to go through

with this transmigration thing, right?

- Well, yes, but she-- - Fine, look.

Go get Gunga Din-- - Mr. Cobb? Excuse me.

Mr. Schuyler needs to see you right away.

-Fine. Thanks.

Where can we reach you?

-I'm staying at Miss Cutwater's.

Who's "we"? - Roger?

He said now.

-I'll explain later.

Trust me.

(Roger) Don't swing your arm so much.

-There's something very odd about Cobb.

-The man has been bringing a dog to a law office

for three years,

and you just noticed he's odd?

-Yes, but he's speaking with a funny voice.

-Have you heard his secretary?

-And he's imply--

-We'll discuss this later.

-[Roger, as Edwina] Tattletale!

-Are you feeling all right?

-(Roger) Yeah, it's just this whole Cutwater thing

really got under my skin.

Look, I need to leave

just for about an hour or two.

-Forget it. We're going to court tomorrow.

-Court tomorrow, I really--I--I--

-Clear the decks.

Sit down.

It's my divorce.

Nobody knew.

To tell you the truth, it's a little embarrassing.

Seymour was representing me.

But he wasn't doing squat. He wanted me to settle.

Now, you want a partnership?

You do for me what you did

in the Brenner case.

-[Roger, thinking\ Oh, God, not now.

-(Edwina) Oh, just explain what happened.

-(Roger)Are you crazy? I don't even believe it.

If I tell him, he'll have me put away.

Look, before I can take care of any of this,

there's something very personal,

very private I have to clear up.

-Oh, yes, of course.

-All right, sit down. I'll tell you everything.

-Oh, no, no. I meant that I--

That's all right. Don't be embarrassed.

I started cheating on my wife

three years ago.

-(Edwina) Oh, goodie, man talk.

I never intended to.

Women just started throwing themselves at me.

-[Roger, as Edwina, chuckles\ You must be joking.

-What?

-(Roger) I said, uh... [coughs]

I must be choking. [coughs\

-Oh.

Anyway, I know it's not because I'm Paul Newman

or anything.

- [Roger, as Edwina] Oh, you can say that again. - What?!

-(Roger) I said, uh, could you say that again?

-I'm not Paul Newman?

-Not... Paul... Newman.

-Anyway,

it seems the one of my wife's best friends

suddenly lost her husband.

Well, women usually do outlive their men.

So naturally she found herself cut off

from her normal sexual relations, and, uh...

-She turned to you, and you comforted her.

I understand, sir.

You really didn't do anything wrong.

-Oh, you better believe it.

I was incredible.

-I see, sir.

I think I can figure out the rest.

-Oh, and then another woman was widowed.

-Okay, so two little indiscretions.

That's not such a big deal.

-And then another one, and, uh, another.

And pretty soon,

just going to a funeral would give me a hard-on.

-(Edwina) Speaking on behalf of the dead,

I find this disgusting.

-I think I've got the picture now.

-Well, now, I'm not sure you do.

You see, it's not just sex.

Let me tell you.

[telephone ringing]

These sweet darling ladies

have given new purpose to my life.

They've given me the opportunity

to give something back to the world,

instead of just take, take, take.

Are you all right? - I'm fine. I'm fine!

-(Edwina) Oops. Sorry.

-Anyway, you understand what I'm saying?

I get to give love and happiness

to people who really need and appreciate it.

Hell, I'm the west coast distributor

of love and happiness.

And for that, I have to go to court?

Now, I don't deserve that.

I should get a dinner!

-(Edwina)He should get a social disease.

-(Roger) I won't let you down.

-Well, I'm counting on you... Son.

-[Roger, thinking\ Shake hands with him.

Like a man!

[makes wrenching sound\

-Crazy musicians.

-You won't regret this.

I know I won't.

If I do, you'll never practice

in the free world again.

[laughter]

[makes wrenching sound\

-(Edwina)I certainly hope you plan on losing that case.

-How did it go, Roger?

-[Roger, thinking] The only thing I plan on losing is you!

-Nice talking to you, Rog.

-You know, you have a great deal to learn

about making someone feel welcome.

Let's get something straight here.

I never liked you when you were in your body.

I certainly don't like you in mine.

-Well, I don't see why you're getting so upset about all this.

-Because I want my body back.

And I want my freedom and my privacy.

And most of all, I'd like to be able to take a leak

without being fondled.

-You may find this hard to believe,

but fondling you while you make pee pee

is not my idea of a good time.

-Fine. Fine.

It's 2:00.

I have a lot of work to do.

I want you out of me by 3:15.

Now, where's the swami?

-Well...

(Edwina) You know, he's never been away from Tibet.

So I put him up at The Ambassador.

Let's see, what is that number?

"Hotels, hotels 'h'."

H--h--h--h--h.

Let's see.

[humming]

♪ Let your fingers do-- ♪

[gasps] Here it is, The Ambassador.

[gasps] And look over here-- the Arlington.

That's where mommy, in the spring of '62,

had her amethyst stolen from her in the elevator.

It was just so distressing--

-(Roger) Give me that!

[chanting]

-Hmm.

[toilet flushes]

[telephone rings]

Ring.

[toilet flushes] [telephone rings]

Ring.

[toilet flushes]

[rings\

Ring. [chuckles]

[toilet flushes]

[no telephone ring\

Hmm?

Mm.

-No. Oh, he hasn't checked out.

[sighs\

-Oh, dear.

-Yeah, oh, dear.

[Roger, as Edwina\ Don't worry, I know where to find him.

Good going, Edwina.

-(Edwina) it's Miss Cutwater, to you.

- Hello, Margo. - Oh, hi, Peg.

-(Roger) Any woman who fondled me in a men's room

I think I can be on a first-name basis with!

[Roger, as Edwina] That's not fair.

You told me to pull out your penis.

-How 'bout a cup of coffee?

-Where is she?

-Oh, boy.

-Where is she?

-There's nobody here.

-Liar! I heard her.

So you want to get married and settle down, huh?

-Peggy, I swear there's nobody else here.

-Come on out, you little slut!

-[Roger, as Edwina, gasps\ Who is she calling a slut?

(Roger) Shh.

-I heard that.

[Bix fussing] Come on...

Deny it.

Where is she?

-It was me. Bix, stop that!

- What was you? - The voice you heard.

I was talking to myself.

Listen...

[Roger, as Edwina] Your perfume suits you.

It's cheap and common.

-(Edwina)At least she slapped your side.

-And who did I hear you say was fondling you

in the men's room?

- Me. - Liar!

-(Edwina) How dare she!

-(Roger) Oh! Edwina!

-Edwina?

My name is Peggy, you pig!

-Ow! No, let me explain.

It's Edwina Cutwater. She died today!

-You did it with a dead woman?

- No-- - Roger, you are sick.

To think I came up here

to even discuss marrying you,

despite the fact that I heard

what you're doing to my mother.

-How did your mother get into this?

I just found out you're going to court tomorrow

to represent the other side against my own mother.

-I'm representing your father!

-You're going to try to beat my mother.

-Oh, God.

-Roger, you go to court tomorrow,

we're through.

-If I don't,

your father'll have my balls.

-Then it's either me or your balls, Roger.

You can't have both.

-Hmm, very interesting choice.

I'm not certain what purpose balls actually serve,

but they've got to make a better pair

than the two of you.

-Well?

-I'm very attached to them, Peg.

-Good-bye, Roger.

By the way, I never liked your dog.

And I think jazz is stupid!

[door slams]

And I faked all those orgasms.

[breathing heavily\

[screaming\

Sound familiar?

-Yeah, well I faked mine too.

[scoffs]

-Oh, believe me.

We're better off without her.

She just isn't right for us.

Aah!

You know, ever since our little accident,

I have sensed a lot of hostility coming from you.

-Well, excuse me!

But I'm watching my entire career go

right down the sewer

'cause I've got a dead woman living inside me.

And the only person that can get you out

is some cosmic weirdo you can't even find!

-I can so find him... I think.

Wait, I'm sure I'll know

where he'll be this evening.

Do you have a car?

[Edwina laughing]

Oh, this is fun!

-(Roger) Shift, damn it!

-(Edwina) Whee!

-(Roger) What are you doing?

-(Edwina) I never learned how to drive.

Which is it? One these pedal things?

-(Roger) The brake, not the gas!

Oh!

-(Edwina) The brakes, the gas.

I don't know which to hit.

-(Roger) Bix, let go of her.

-(Edwina) Stop it! Ow!

I'm gonna strangle this mangy mongrel!

-(Roger) All right, that's it.

-(Edwina) This isn't the way.

Where are we going?

-It's enough that I have to put up with you,

but I will not subject my dog to this one minute more!

Tyrone! Oh, great, I gotta talk to you.

-Hey, Roger dodger!

I got a call from the union about some gig.

They wouldn't tell me who recommended me,

but I smelled your fingerprints all over it.

Thank you, bro.

-It was nothing really.

-[Roger as Edwina\ Can we get on with this, please?

-Who's that? Someone with you?

-Sort of, yeah.

-Well, where are your manners, chump?

Introduce me to the lady.

-Edwina Cutwater, Tyrone Wattell.

-[Roger as Edwina] Pleased to meet you.

-Pleased to meet you.

Hairy knuckles for a chick.

-Look, I need your help.

Can you take care of Bix for a couple of days?

-Yeah, sure, I--

Wait a minute, Roger. What's wrong?

-I really don't think I could explain it.

-What's wrong, Roger?

-Well, Edwina died today.

Her soul entered me

and took over the right half of my body.

-Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

-I knew you'd understand.

Thanks for not having me committed.

-Roger, I got a lot of friends crazier than you,

but I ain't got many better.

-Thanks, pal.

Go with him, Bix.

-Come on, Bix. [Bix barks]

Nice meeting you, Edwina.

-[Roger as Edwina] Bye.

[tires chirp and squeal]

-(man) A woman who would rather

buy a candle than curse the darkness.

-Pack 'em in, don't you?

-Hello. Come in.

I'll start over if you'd like.

-Uh, no, thank you.

-And we wonder, oh, lord,

what it means when a person passes away

and so few take the time

to pay final respects.

-(Edwina) Oh, big deal.

-(Roger) He's not here. Let's go find him.

-However, we have received a number of mailgrams.

Eh, from bereaved loved ones.

-(Edwina) Wait, wait.

Wait, I must hear this.

-Lady, I have to prepare

for the most important case of my life.

Let's get out of here, okay?

-(Edwina) No, I want to hear these mailgrams.

-Oh, I've really got to--

- -(Edwina) I mean it. Sit.

-Very touching.

"We will miss her."

The Bel Aire Oxygen Supply Company.

- (Edwina) Oh, that's sweet.

-"She was truly a great customer."

J and J Wheelchairs.

-(Edwina) Oh, they remembered.

-And from Browning Orthopedic Mattresses,

"may she continue to rest in peace."

-(Edwina) Oh, how deeply touching.

[peaceful singing]

-Mr. Cobb.

-Hmm? Huh?

-Mr. Cobb.

-Oh, hi.

Boy.

What time is it?

-Almost midnight.

Mr. Cobb, this morning you were going to tell me

how you knew it didn't work.

[sighs\

Edwina?

She's asleep.

-Who's asleep?

-Edwina. Don't wake her.

Oh, this is great when she's asleep.

-Mr. Cobb, Ms. Cutwater's dead.

-No, she's not.

She entered me instead of you.

-What?

-Where's the swami?

-I haven't seen him.

-Maybe he's back at the hotel.

-I just called. There's no answer.

-Oh, we should go there and wait for him.

I gotta find that guy.

I can't take much mo-- oh, God.

-You poor dear.

You must relax. Stop worrying.

-No, no, I really think we ought to go find him.

-I'm sure he'll be at the funeral tomorrow morning.

And if Ms. Cutwater really is inside you,

he'll help her leave your body

and enter mine.

-I think I envy her.

-Mr. Cobb,

this morning...

When I placed your hand on my heart,

did you feel anything special?

-Yes.

I felt your left...

-Yes.

I felt something very special pass between us.

Oh, Mr. Cobb, by this time tomorrow,

my soul will be gone.

I want to know love one last time.

-Don't you think we really oughta--

-Please.

Mr. Cobb, let me take the memory of passion

to sustain me in the next world.

-So, this would be, like,

for a good cause?

-Oh, yes.

-We have to be very quiet.

-Oh, sure.

-Good cause. It's a good cause.

Good cause.

-I'm ready, Mr. Cobb. Take me.

-Keep sleeping, Edwina.

Yaow. - Oh.

Now.

[moaning\

- -(Edwina) What--what is all of this?

What's going on here?

-Oh, no.

-Oh, yes.

-(Edwina) What are you doing to her?

-(Roger) Nothing. I'm not doing anything.

Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.

-[Roger as Edwina] Why, Ms. Hoskins. You whore!

You lascivious whore!

-(Roger) Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

[Roger as Edwina] You're a--

You're a shameless little slut.

Yes. - (Roger) Shut up.

-Talk dirty.

-[Roger as Edwina\ You're nothing but a cheap sex tramp.

-Good, good.

Now call me a poodle, Mr. Cobb.

Call me a cheap slut sex poodle.

-[Roger as Edwina] Why, you deserve a good spanking.

-Oh, Mr. Cobb!

[Roger as Edwina\ Oh, you--you little bed bunny.

-(Roger) Edwina, no!

-Mr. Cobb, yes!

You love rocket!

-[Roger as Edwina] Stop talking like that!

-Spank me again, you bad boy.

-(Roger) Edwina, stop it!

-[Roger as Edwina\ I will not.

She should be ashamed of herself.

And you should too!

-(Roger) Hey, hey! God, oh!

Ow!

-Mr. Cobb.

[Roger grunting]

-For god's sake, Edwina, go away, will you?

-[Roger as Edwina] I own that body.

What if you got her pregnant? You have no right.

(Roger) No, you have no right.

-[Roger as Edwina] And you have no class.

You're rude, crude, and thoroughly unattractive.

-God, it is Ms. Cutwater.

-I'm sorry you had such a lousy life.

I really am.

But just because nobody ever did this with you

doesn't mean the rest of us have to go without!

-As a matter of fact,

I am quite proud of my virginity.

It's something I have always treasured.

-Of course you did.

Nobody else ever wanted it!

[Blows raspberry]

[Door slams]

-Terry, wait!

Lady, if Prahka caca

doesn't show up by tomorrow,

I'm gonna get a-- a lobotomy.

Or a high colonic or something.

You're getting the keys to the street.

-Oh, stop being such a martyr.

As soon as I'm not dead anymore,

I'll pay you for your troubles.

-Pay me?

Oh, Jesus.

I just realized why no one showed up

at your memorial service.

You forgot to hire mourners!

-(Edwina) You are an insensitive horse's ass.

Do you know that?

-(Roger) Oh, drop dead.

-(Edwina) Look, Cobb. I am talking to you.

For your information,

there's a perfectly good reason nobody showed up

at my memorial service.

-Yeah, what?

I don't have any friends.

I'm looking back at an entire lifetime

and I don't have one friend.

[crying] I've never had any friends.

I've had only nannies and tutors

and servants and nurses.

[sobbing]

Once my parents hired a clown to entertain me,

but he didn't like me.

And when my parents weren't in the room,

he'd just sit there.

He didn't lift a finger to amuse me!

-That's a terrible clown.

-Yes, well, that's not all.

When Fred's daughter was a little girl,

she'd come to my house

to visit her father.

And the nurses would push my oxygen tent

over to the bedroom window

so I could watch her and all her little friends

ride my horses...

[sniffs] And swim in my pool

and run and play and laugh.

And dance.

[sighs painfully\

And I swore

I'd give every cent I ever had

to be able to do all that, to be free.

To be like her.

Oh, well, I've--

I've humiliated myself.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say

was I'm sorry if I spoiled your birthday.

-And I'm sorry if I made you being dead

an unpleasant experience.

-I am dead, aren't I?

Oh, please, make me not dead.

[sighs\

-I can't, Edwina.

[sniffs]

-No sense wishing.

Hey.

I feel much better.

-It's really late.

Why don't you go back to sleep?

-Aren't you coming to bed?

[yawning\

-I can't.

I gotta prepare for this case tomorrow.

You go to sleep.

-[Edwina yawns\ Okay.

Good night, Roger.

-(Roger) Good night, Edwina.

-(Edwina) Roger! Roger!

Roger, wake up.

Wake up, Roger. Funeral time.

Let's go,

we've got to get up, Roger.

Come on! Up, up, up, up, up!

Let's go!

Ah, did you have a good night's sleep last night?

-Oh, yeah.

Go the full whole 7-- 7 1/2 minutes.

No problem.

Oh, God.

-Hmm. Ohm.

[phone rings]

Ohm ring.

[rings\

Ohm ring.

[rings\

Ring.

Ring.

[rings\

[phone ringing]

-(Edwina) Roger!

-Yeah.

[grunts]

All right, all right.

I'm awake, I'm awake.

-(Edwina) Oh, you have no idea what it's like

to be inside a healthier body

than you've ever been in before.

-I know.

That's what I was trying to find out last night.

-I cannot believe you're still upset about that.

Careful, careful.

-Of course you can't.

Can we hurry this up, please?

See, your problem is you don't understand

how life has to be lived.

It's to be experienced and savored.

-(Edwina) Oh, I know that, you big dope.

Why do you think I've gone

to so much trouble and expense

to buy myself another chance?

[spits]

-Because you're operating under the mistaken assumption

that it's going to make a difference.

-Oh, come on. It will too make a difference.

-And inside your new body,

you'll still be the same old sourpuss.

You'll wind up as bitter and alone

as you always have been.

-(Edwina) Oh, I think not.

I'm gonna dance, Roger.

I'm gonna twirl and whirl and spin.

I'm gonna cha cha cha and meringue,

and I'm gonna dip deeply.

-Go like this.

-It's too unattractive.

-So's a deep scar. Just do as I say.

We don't have time to argue.

-What's the big hurry anyway?

My funeral's not until 10:30.

-'Cause I have to be in court at 8:30.

-How are you gonna make the 10:30 funeral

if you have to be in court?

-I'll figure it out at 10:29, okay?

-Oh, you are so cranky

when you haven't had enough sleep.

-And you recognize your signature on this check?

-Yes.

-And on this?

-Yes.

-And this?

-Yes.

-No further questions.

Counselor.

- (Edwina) Roger?

Roger. Roger, oh, my God.

You can't fall asleep on me now.

-Counselor.

-Just a second.

-(Edwina) Roger, please wake up.

-Counselor, the court is waiting.

-Your Honor, I--

(Edwina) Edwina, a man. Act like a man.

-[Deep voice] Your Honor, uh--

[clears throat]

Your Honor, uh, gosh, uh--

[clears throat]

[mumbling]

Uh.

[clears throat]

[clears throat and spits]

-Proceed with the witness.

-What the hell is the matter with you?

-I'm just a little nervous, that's all.

-Don't be nervous.

It's just your career that's at stake, that's all.

-Mr. Schuyler, you didn't really

give those women $1/2 million in gifts, now did you?

-Yes, I did.

-Oh.

But I bet you had a darn good reason to,

now didn't you, sport-o?

-Why are you acting like this?

-Say "yes."

-Yes.

[laughs nervously]

-He had a darn good reason.

-Proceed.

-Proceed?

-(Edwina) Proceed, Edwina.

Like a man. Proceed like a man.

[coughs and hacks\

Wait a second, every Christmas, you gave me--

[deep voice] You gave, uh, Ms. Cutwater darling little gifts,

now, didn't you? - Yeah.

-So it is your practice.

Indeed, ladies and gentleman of the--

World--

It is standard practice among many business professionals

to reward valiant clients with gifts, is it not?

[blows nose]

[indistinct commotion\

-Yeah.

Yes, it is!

-Objection.

The money in question

came from the Schuylers' personal account,

and not from the law firm,

and therefore cannot be construed

as business gifts.

[sighs\

-Good point, toots.

[clears throat]

Women, huh?

Can't live with them, can't live without them.

-(Edwina) Oh, Roger, please wake up.

-Mr. Cobb.

-(Edwina) I'm sorry, Roger.

[screaming] Roger, wake up!

[gasping]

-What?

-Mr. Cobb, are you all right?

-Yeah.

No problem.

-How do you respond to the objection?

-Objection?

Uh--

Could you read that back, please?

-"The money in question came

from the Schuyler's personal account,

not from the law firm, and therefore

cannot be construed as business gifts."

-(Roger) Business gifts?

-(Edwina)I'm sorry, I couldn't think of anything else.

-(Roger) Edwina, you're brilliant.

Your Honor,

Mrs. Schuyler's sole source of support

was Mr. Schuyler, whose sole source of income

was the law firm.

So the better the law firm's business was,

the more money Mr. Schuyler could take home

to Mrs. Schuyler.

And therefore, since business gifts

are intended to increase business,

the more generous Mr. Schuyler was with his gift-giving,

the better able he was

to support Mrs. Schuyler in the manner

to which she'd become accustomed.

-Give me a minute.

-(Roger) Oh, Edwina, I could kiss you.

We're gonna win it.

I'm gonna get my partnership,

and we're gonna make that funeral.

Of course, none of those women were clients,

but I won't tell anyone if you won't.

-(Edwina) What?

-I beg to overrule the objection.

[indistinct commotion\

-Thank you, your Honor.

-(Edwina) Just a second.

If they're not his clients, then this isn't fair.

-Your Honor, I move we dismiss claim for damages

on the grounds that those women were not his--shut up!

-What did you just say?

-Nothing.

-Just tell me what you said.

-I didn't say anything.

-Were not his what?

-Nothing, your hon--

-Those women were not his clients!

-Mr. Cobb, are you all right?

-Just bit my tongue, that's all.

-Mr. Schuyler, were any of those women clients of yours?

-Oh, here we go.

-No. You're dead meat, buddy.

-It's not me, it's Edwina Cutwater's soul's inside me.

-Oh, that's right. Blame it all on me.

-Well, it is your fault. I had this case won!

-No, I had it won, but I would've been wrong!

(Judge) What the hell's going on here?

-It's not fair, and I will not

be a party to unfairness.

-Edwina, you're in a court of law.

Fairness has nothing to do with it!

-That will cost you $500. Contempt of court.

-Good for you, judge.

- $1,000! - Will you shut up?

-No, you shut up. $1,500!

-Not you; Her. I got someone inside me!

-Well then, both of you shut up!

-Don't you tell me to shut up, Charles.

I contributed to your campaign!

-$2,000, and bailiff, throw this jackass out of my court!

I'm going to the state bar. You're a lunatic!

-She can't do this to me!

-He's not just a lunatic. He's a pervert too!

He plays with himself in the men's room!

-And he cheated on me, daddy!

He had sex with a dead body in your offices!

-You're fired, Cobb!

-(Edwina) Oh, Roger, I see what you mean

about "life is to be savored."

It's so-- it's so dramatic!

-I am going to kill you.

-(Edwina) I was just trying to help.

-You failed!

You know what's happened to me

since you've been helping me?

I've lost my girl, I've lost my job,

I've alienated my dog!

I broke my sunglasses!

Can't even get that kind anymore.

Stop helping me!

-You know, you are so ungrateful.

If it weren't for me, you would get that partnership,

and then you'd have to take cases like that,

and kiss your father's high ideals good-bye.

You'd also be married to Peggy.

You call that savoring life?

-Look who's talking about savoring life.

-I spent my life in a sick bed.

What's your excuse?

-You know, it's just like a dead person

to say something like that.

-How much to the airport?

- Uh, 30 bucks.

-Make it 100.

Pan-Am Airlines, see that he gets on the plane.

-Jeez, lady, this plane don't leave till midnight.

- Make it 200. - No problem.

-No problem.

-Bon voyage.

-Voyage?

-We're wasting our time here.

Let's get to the cemetery.

-He better be there, lady.

-Maybe Terry picked him up.

-He just better be there!

[elevator dings\

-(Edwina) There's the elevator, hurry!

Oh, I love running!

-Have you seen Prahka?

-I was hoping you had.

-I stopped by the hotel this morning,

but he wasn't there.

-Oh, I'm ruined. God.

-(Edwina) What is that?

And who are all those people behind my hearse?

-(Roger) Oh, I invited them.

-(Edwina) What do you mean?

-Last night, while you were asleep,

I wanted to surprise you.

I thought it might make your funeral

a little more fun, I don't know.

Edwina?

Edwina?

You got a little mirror?

Uh, a compact or something?

Thank you.

[jazz music]

[sobbing]

-Oh, oh, Roger. Thank you.

-Okay, okay.

Don't make a big deal out of it.

I just--just did it,

'cause I thought I liked you.

I've gotten over that since then.

Now, come on.

-(Edwina) it's all right. I'm okay now.

Really, I'm fine.

-You're okay?

-(Edwina) Yes.

[sobbing]

It's the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me!

-Don't say that.

-(Edwina) Well, it is.

[sobbing continues]

You're the best friend I've ever had.

-Thanks.

-Are you all right?

Oh, yeah. Music got to me.

-And I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.

Amen.

[jazz music playing\

-Terry.

-I have this terrible feeling

we're never going to see Prahka Lasa again.

-Oh, we gotta find that guy.

Maybe he's back at the hotel.

-I told you. He's not there.

-Let's call the police. File a missing person's report.

Hey, maybe he's trying to get home.

Let's check the airport.

-Actually, you may be right about the hotel.

He's bound to turn up there eventually.

We should try there first. - Okay.

-What are you doing?

-We may not have another chance, you know?

-Oh, very naughty.

-Please, Roger.

I want to feel your naked skin next to mine.

I want to feel our bodies merge.

-I guess there's nothing wrong with a quick little merge.

-(Edwina) Oh, no, you don't.

Do we have to go through this again?

-(Roger) Why don't you just relax? Maybe you'll learn something.

-(Edwina)I thought we were going to find Prahka Lasa.

-(Roger) I'm just taking a little breather, that's all.

-(Edwina) Yes, well put your little breather

back inside your trousers, and let's go find him.

-Roger, what's wrong?

-What?

-Don't I excite you?

-Edwina, what are you doing?

-(Edwina)I am thinking of very old nuns.

-Please don't do this to me.

-Roger, don't you want me?

-Oh, God.

Now she's thinking of dead kittens.

Would you excuse us?

All right.

What happened to "oh, Roger, you're my best friend"?

-I just don't feel like performing a sexual act

on Fred's daughter.

-Okay, okay, how about if she performs one on us?

-No.

-Please?

-No, no, what is so important about sex?

-What's so important about sex?

That's like saying what's so important about laughing,

or--or Duke Ellington, or the world series.

It's one of those things that makes you feel

like you're really living,

like you're glad to be alive.

-I am already glad to be alive.

I don't need to play tonsil hockey

with some English tart to feel good.

I already feel good. I feel wonderful.

In fact, I feel quite tingly.

-That's right, those are my tingles you're feeling.

-What do you mean?

-It's called sexual excitement.

-It is?

-Yes.

And if you think this feels good,

wait till you feel what hot, passionate

boffing feels like.

-And what happens? Bigger tingles?

-Oh, major tingles.

-But will she still respect us in the morning?

-She doesn't respect us now.

-Let's boff.

-(Edwina) Oh, dear, this could be sort of embarrassing.

-(Roger) For who?

-(Edwina) For me.

As soon as I get Terry's body,

you know what I look like naked.

-(Roger)I swear to God, I'll never tell anyone.

-(Edwina) Okay, thank you.

-(Roger) You're welcome. Now shut up.

-(Edwina) Well, what should I do? How can I help?

-(Roger) Fantasize.

-(Edwina) Oh, okay. I'm good at that.

- Oh, Terry. - Oh, Roger.

-Oh, Clark.

Wait a second, wait.

What are you doing? - I'm fantasizing.

-I know, my head is filled with pictures of Clark Gable

taking his shirt off.

-I know. Isn't that hot?

-No, it's sort of cooling me off,

if you know what I mean.

-It's making me tingle like crazy, Roger.

-Great, great, now, just--

Just throw in a couple of women on top of him,

and we're in business, okay?

-Okay.

-Is it all right now?

-Sort of.

She's got the whole cast of Gone With the Wind

humping in my head.

-Oh, Roger.

-Oh, Terry.

-(Edwina) Oh, Clark, Vivien and Olivia.

Oh, Ashley and Butterfly.

[moaning\

[metallic clanging\

-Oh, no.

Son of a bitch.

-Son of a bitch?

-I don't believe it!

Prahka, where the hell have you been?

-Been?

The airport?

What the hell were you doing at the airport?

-Airport.

Prahka, Prahka.

It is now time for Ms. Cutwater's soul

to enter Ms. Hoskins.

-Enter Ms. Hoskins.

-It's me, Prahka. I'm inside Roger.

-Name!

-Go warm up the bowl!

[hums]

Yeah!

[humming continues]

Terry.

I, uh, guess it wasn't meant to be between us.

I'll always regret that.

But I want you to know that, wherever it is you're going,

I hope you'll be very happy.

-Oh, I will.

With a wonderful house, and beautiful horses,

and all the money in the world, why shouldn't I be happy?

-What?

Well, if you think

I'm really going to go through with this,

you're not just stupid, you're crazy.

-[Roger as Edwina] What do you mean?

-(Roger) I'll handle this. What do you mean?

-When I first heard about this,

I thought if the mad woman wants to give her money away,

she may as well give it to me.

I never really thought that the flying nun here

would pull it off.

-Wait a second. You just can't leave her in me.

-I'd really love to stay and chat, darling,

but you've served your purpose.

Now I've got to get back to my mansion

and get ready for my party.

Ciao.

Oh, by the way,

don't bother coming.

The guards will have orders to keep you out.

Bye, Roger.

Good-bye, Miss Cutwater.

So long, Prahka.

-Please don't say it.

Oh, dear God.

All I wanted was a second chance.

A fair shake.

Instead, I've made a complete mess of your life.

And I've--I've left all my money

to a lying, cheap slut, sex poodle.

Oh!

-[Roger as Edwina\ Prahka, I want you to release my soul.

Give Roger his freedom.

-(Roger) No! She double-crossed us. We can fight this.

-No. Perhaps Prahka can put my soul into an eagle

or some wonderful bird, Roger,

so that I can fly free with the wind,

hover over my house,

and shit on her head.

-Stop talking like that.

-I can't help it. I'm pissed.

-I became a lawyer because I wanted to fight injustice.

I wanted to help the little guy

against the big guy.

-Big guy.

-Instead, I wound up representing

powerful rich people like you.

But now, don't you see,

you're a pauper.

You were bilked out of what is rightfully yours

by Miss Terry Hoskins,

who is today one of the wealthiest women

in the State of California.

And you want to be a bird!?

Forget it!

-Oh.

-Don't go soft on me now.

-Oh, it's not that.

It's just that offering you your freedom

is the first unselfish thing I've ever done.

-How's it feel?

-Oh, wonderful.

-You're okay, Edwina.

Give me the number of the Fulton Norris Orchestra, please.

-Dad. You don't have to do that.

You're not an employee anymore.

-Someone's got to do it.

-I shall hire someone.

Pack your things. You're moving up to the house.

-I won't move in there. It's not right.

-Yes, you will.

I won't have people saying my father lives in a stable.

I bought you a tuxedo.

You're coming to the party tonight.

For god's sake, take a bath.

-You know, you're nicer to that horse

than you are to people.

Why don't you take him to your party?

-If I thought it were appropriate, I would.

-Oh, you're lucky you're a gelding.

- (Man) Step it up, guys. Thank you.

Smile, please.

Now, gentlemen, if you have to winky,

let's do it now.

We'll have full rehearsal in five minutes.

-Come on. Come on. Come on.

-Roger, exactly how you plan on pullin' this off?

-Beats the heck outta me.

-Well, if I can be of any help at all,

you're in worse trouble than I thought.

-That's right.

Strum. Strum. Strum.

-[Roger as Edwina] Oh, this is so much more fun than being a lawyer.

-(Roger) I know.

-[Roger as Edwina\I think you should forget the law

and become a musician full-time.

-(Roger) it's a nice dream, but I can't.

-[Roger as Edwina] Roger, there's nothing sadder

than looking back at the end of your life

and saying I didn't do it right.

Believe me, I know.

-(Roger) Yeah. Oh, my solo's coming up.

I need control of my hand. Can you give it to me?

-[Roger as Edwina] Sure.

[soft music\

[rock music playing\

-[Roger as Edwina\ Oops. Sorry again.

-Is this some sort of a joke?

-You didn't like that?

-Listen, I'll be okay. Just, uh, need a minute.

-All right, gentlemen, let's take a break.

-Who are those guys?

- Bring the bowl too. - Bowl.

-Come on.

-You know, your friend's a real freak.

-Thank you.

-See ya in the mornin'.

I've gotta put on a bloody tuxedo!

-Okay, Prahka.

-Om...

[chanting]

Whoa.

-Edwina? Oh.

Okay. Miss Hoskins. - Hoskin.

Ah. Oh. [chanting\

- Grab the bowl. - Stop it!

-Grab the bowl!

-Let go! [chanting]

[horse neighs]

-Edwina in bowl?

-New.

- Where's Edwina. - Edwina.

- Edwina in water? - Edwina.

-You just made a big mistake, buster.

Guards!

-Can you put Edwina - Guards!

- Back in the bowl? - Backinbowl.

-Yes, backinbowl.

Just backinbowl. - Backinbowl nim.

-Nim. What do you mean?

Oh, you have to fix the bowl.

- Fixbowl. - Fixbowl.

- Fixbowl. - Fixbowl.

-Fixbowl. You put Edwina back in bowl.

- Backinbowl. Backinbowl. - Edwina backinbowl.

- Gofixbowl. - Gofixbowl.

- Go. Go. - Go. Go.

-Edwina, if you can hear me, blow some bubbles or something.

I'm talking to a bucket.

-(Terry) Get the bucket!

Get the bucket!

Don't let him get away!

Hurry!

-Ty, feel this.

Take good care of it.

-What is it?

- It's very, very special. - No problem.

-Hey, where are you goin' with that green bucket?

Get out of my way! Chh! Chh!

Oh! Damn.

-It's all right.

-Terry, no.

-Want us to throw him out, ma'am?

-No. He's harmless now.

-Good-bye, Edwina.

-Enjoy the party, good evening.

-Good evening.

- Oh, here she is. - Ah, Mr. Nifgen.

Good evening, -Mr. Schuyler.

We have rather a pleasant little orchestra.

Why don't you come dance?

Good evening, senator. So glad you...

Daddy. Oh, debonair.

Oh. Good evening. I'm Terry Hoskins.

Welcome to Hoskins manor.

-♪ All of me ♪

♪ Why not take all of me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ I'm no good without ♪

-God rest her wonderful soul.

I'll never forget her.

-Just remember how comforting it'll be

to look around this magnificent home

and all we see,

a little bit of Edwina in everything.

-Yes, especially the flowerbed.

-Yes.

-Ty, I thought I had everything under control.

-I'm sorry, my man.

I did not see her grab the pitcher.

You know what I'm sayin'?

-It's not your fault, Ty.

Oh man, I feel empty.

You know, I know this sounds crazy,

but I actually miss the old girl.

-[Tyrone as Edwina] Who are you calling an old girl?

-That's not funny, Ty.

-[Tyrone as Edwina] I'm not trying to be funny,

you, you peasant.

-Edwina?

-[Tyrone as Edwina] No, it's Pearl Bailey.

Who the hell do you think it is?

-Oh, Edwina!

-(Tyrone) Hey, hey, that's my side, stupid.

-[Tyrone as Edwina] I'm over here.

-What are you doing in Ty?

-[Tyrone as Edwina] How should I know?

I can't see a thing in here.

-(Tyrone) Uh, my man, when you set that pitcher down here

and said take care of it,

I thought it was gin and I drank some.

-Oh, you mean you've been inside all that time?

Why didn't you say something?

-[Tyrone as Edwina] I wanted to see if you missed me.

-Cute. Cute. Cute one. God. Come on, Ty. Come on.

Come on.

-(Tyrone) Hey, Bix.

-Prahka.

-Fixbowl.

-Oh, fix bowl. Great.

-Edwina in water?

-No, no, no. Edwina not in water.

You're not gonna believe this.

Say somethin'.

-[Tyrone as Edwina] Your holiness,

it is I, Edwina Cutwater.

-[Laughs] Edwina.

-I fail to see humor in the situation.

-He drank her.

- He drank her. - He drank her.

- Hedrankher. - Hedrankher.

-[Tyrone as Edwina] if it had not been

for Mr. Wattell, I'd be Edwina the flowerbed right now,

you big dope.

-Big dope.

- Look. Look. - Take Edwina out.

Put back in me.

-In me.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Okay. - Really?

-It's the only safe place.

-(Edwina) Oh, you really are my friend.

-(Tyrone) I sure hope nobody else can see this.

-Okay.

[chanting]

-Good night. You're in the Roosevelt room.

-We know. Yes.

-And you need anything, you call Grace.

Good night.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-Ty, don't be crazy. You gotta get back on the bus.

-Oh, no way, Jose.

I gotta find out how this magilly ends.

- Ty. - Besides,

I can be a help.

Walkin' around in the dark is my territory.

-Okay, you're hired.

Oh, God.

This way.

-What kind of seeing eye dog is this anyway?

-You hang back here.

-Hang back here.

-[Edwina] Hi, sailor.

Are you having a good time?

-I am.

I hope I have as much fun in my new body

as I've had in yours.

-Thanks.

There she is.

-Roger, now that you know what a horrible person she is,

aren't you glad you weren't intimate with her?

-I thank my lucky stars.

-I'm glad you said that.

I've been thinking.

If things work out,

you just might get another chance.

-Well, Edwina Cutwater...

That's our cue.

- Let's go. - Let's go.

-[whispers] Ty, watch your head.

[hushes]

Come on, Prahka. Come on, Prahka.

-Come on, Prahka, Prahka, Prahka.

Bix, go outside. Move.

Go on.

Prahka, take care of Ty. - Ty.

- Take care of Ty. - Ty.

- Good. Shh. - Good. Shh.

- Shh. Shh. - Shh. Shh.

Oh!

[metal clatters\

[hushing]

- Ah! - Nim!

-Hello, darling.

-What are you waiting for, Roger?

Grab her. [cocks gun\

Watch out, man. I think she got a gun.

-Let's all take a nice little walk now, shall we?

-Where are we going?

-Shh. We don't want to wake up the other guests.

-What are you going to do?

-I shall say you sneaked back into the house to rob me.

-(Tyrone) Oh, we in trouble, Roger.

-That you took this gun from my night table.

-(Tyrone) Big trouble.

-(Terry) And you led me at gunpoint to a quiet room.

This is it. Get in there.

-How do you expect to get away with this?

-I'll just tell the truth.

You brought me to this room.

We struggled. I grabbed the gun.

-What the hell is going on?

[gunshot]

-(Tyrone) Watch out!

Sounded like a gunshot.

Somebody's fightin' now, Roger.

Somebody just knocked over some furniture.

[articles clatter, shatter\

Sounds like an end table with tchotchkes on it, Roger.

-It's okay now. It's all over.

Who won?

-We did, Ty.

-I'm calling the police!

-Good idea. Who's that?

-No, don't!

I won't go back to jail.

-Back to jail?

-Who's going back to jail? Terry?

-Where did all these people come from?

-Get me the police.

- Police? - That's right!

This is attempted homicide. Two counts maybe.

-Oh, lord. That'll be her third conviction.

-Third conviction?

Well, you're a three time loser.

You're going into the slammer

and they're gonna throw away the key.

-I won't go back. I promise I'll kill myself first.

-She would, you know.

-Hello, police.

Yes, this is Burton Schuyler.

I want to report an attempted homicide.

Yes, I'm over he-- - Stop!

Miss Cutwater.

-[Roger as Edwina] Yes?

If I go to jail, I take my body with me.

-(Roger) Hang up, Schuyler.

-I'll make a deal with you.

[chanting]

-Terry!

-Terry.

-Oh, my Lord. That was powerful.

-Edwina.

-Roger.

-It worked.

It really worked.

-Is Terry in there too?

-She's gone.

-Terry.

[horse neighs]

-Are you sure this is what you want, honeybun?

[horse neighs]

-Thank you, mum.

I don't know how I'm going to explain this

to her parole officer.

But thank you.

-That's quite all right, Fred.

-Come on, baby.

Gonna fix you up a nice private stable

and never leave daddy again.

No more thievin'. No more swindlin'.

Just runnin' and prancin' and jumpin'

for the rest of your life.

[blues music playing]

[hits note on key]

[hits note on key]

[hits note on key]

[hits note on key]

[hits note on key]

[Prahka plays jazz piano number\

-So how do you feel?

-Alive and healthy.

And--and scared.

-Why?

-'Cause I've finally got what I always wanted.

And there are no excuses anymore.

-Hey, welcome to the real world.

-What?

-Tingles.

-It's supposed to.

You ought to try it more often.

-Is that advice from my lawyer?

-Lawyer. Hell. I'm no lawyer.

I'm a musician. - You are?

-Yeah.

You know, I've had more real feeling

in the last few days

than I have in the last ten years in that damn office.

Those papers stacked up to here

and that florescent lighting burning off all my vitamins.

Unlike you, most of us only get to go around

once in life.

And I'm not gonna spend the rest of mine

sitting behind a desk.

-Oh, I love it

when you talk like a beer commercial.

-Hey, let's dance.

-I don't know how.

-Oh, it's easy.

Now put your feet on top of mine.

That's how--that's how kids learn how to dance. See?

Try with your own feet.

♪ All of me ♪

♪ Why not take all of me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ I'm no good without you ♪

♪ Take my lips ♪

♪ I want to lose them ♪

♪ Take my arms ♪

♪ I'll never use them ♪

♪ Your good-bye ♪

♪ Left me with eyes that cry ♪

♪ How can I ♪

♪ Go on dear without you ♪

♪ You took the part ♪

♪ That once was my heart ♪

♪ So why not take all of me ♪

♪ Why not take all ♪

♪ Of me ♪

♪ Take all of me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ I'm no good without you ♪

♪ Take my lips ♪

♪ I want to lose them ♪

♪ And take my arms ♪

♪ I'll never use them ♪

♪ Your good-bye ♪

♪ Let me with eyes that cry ♪

♪ How can I ♪

♪ Go on dear without you ♪

♪ You took the part ♪

♪ That once was my heart ♪

♪ So why not why not ♪ ♪

Why not why not why not ♪

♪ Why not why not why not why not why not ♪

♪ Why not take all ♪

♪ Of me ♪

♪ Why not take all of me, baby ♪

♪ Why not take all of me ♪

♪ Why not take all ♪

♪ Of me ♪ ♪