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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,710 --> 00:00:09,930 Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Association for the Advancement of 2 00:00:09,930 --> 00:00:14,770 Commercials and Advertising, I would like to welcome you to the 10th Annual 3 00:00:14,770 --> 00:00:20,510 Award Dinner. As you know, each year we honor the best commercial with this 4 00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:22,070 trophy, the dink. 5 00:00:25,330 --> 00:00:30,450 Named in honor of our father of modern advertising, Sidney B. Dink. 6 00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:38,260 Who in 1855 revolutionized our infant industry with his slogan, 7 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,220 you want to buy this? 8 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,480 Hi, Felix. 9 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:53,400 Murray, what are you doing here? I just finished a report for a car accident 10 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,400 down the street. 11 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,100 Nobody hurt, I hope. No, I'm fine. 12 00:00:58,780 --> 00:01:00,760 The patrol car will be fixed by tomorrow. 13 00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:04,410 Hey, did you get your award yet? No, they've just done it. 14 00:01:05,550 --> 00:01:06,550 Where's Oscar? 15 00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:08,250 He's not here. 16 00:01:08,270 --> 00:01:10,430 Oh, late again, huh? Good old Oscar. 17 00:01:11,310 --> 00:01:12,410 No, he's not coming. 18 00:01:13,050 --> 00:01:14,090 Lost his ticket, huh? 19 00:01:15,170 --> 00:01:17,570 He tore up his ticket and threw it in my face. 20 00:01:17,930 --> 00:01:18,930 Oh. 21 00:01:19,090 --> 00:01:24,050 He said I was a low, despicable, vile man, completely devoid of morals, 22 00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:25,210 and scruples. 23 00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:29,810 Don't feel bad, Felix. You know how Oscar is. He gets mad and eats that 24 00:01:29,810 --> 00:01:30,810 thing. 25 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,920 The only difference is that this time he's right. 26 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,940 The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience. 27 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:06,320 I did a terrible thing, Murray. 28 00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:09,940 You want to talk about it? You could tell me. I'm your friend. 29 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:11,960 I broke the law. 30 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,540 Make the law longer! 31 00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:17,960 Oh, that's a good story, Felix. 32 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,520 I'm like a coil spring. 33 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:21,560 Go ahead. 34 00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:24,000 Tell your story, citizen. 35 00:03:27,820 --> 00:03:32,040 Well, this whole mess began about six months ago. I took a photographic 36 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,320 assignment at the Fataway Diet Pill Company. 37 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:40,320 I know you and Felix have been awfully good to me, but I really went out of the 38 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:41,320 contract. 39 00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,060 All right, Ben. 40 00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:50,080 Let's look over your hill and... Let's 41 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,800 look over your hill and see where you stand. 42 00:03:52,460 --> 00:03:54,440 You went out of the contract you just signed, right? 43 00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:56,220 Yes, I did. 44 00:03:56,510 --> 00:04:00,090 As they say in Paris, France, uh -uh. 45 00:04:02,430 --> 00:04:03,690 Does Felix know about this? 46 00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:06,230 No. Then I don't want to know about it either. 47 00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:09,890 Hello, Mr. Uber. Hi, Felix. Here's your one o 'clock appointment. 48 00:04:10,210 --> 00:04:12,990 Well, how's my favorite cousin? 49 00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:16,430 Oh, not too good, Felix. Oh, what's the matter? 50 00:04:16,709 --> 00:04:18,490 You're all upset, aren't you? 51 00:04:18,810 --> 00:04:21,130 Relax, relax. Everything's going to be all right. 52 00:04:21,350 --> 00:04:22,690 Here, have a taffy. 53 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,260 The before picture came out absolutely great. 54 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:30,100 Is it all right if I cover this concept? Sure. Look at this. 55 00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:33,820 Look at that. Every chin in perfect focus. 56 00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:37,240 I can't wait till you take off the weight and we take the after picture. 57 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,140 Felix, I give you four bells for that shot. 58 00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:42,420 Four bells! 59 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,160 Wow! It's a crying shame we can't use the picture. Why not? 60 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,640 Ask your chubby cousin here. He doesn't want to lose the weight with my pill. 61 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,120 Ben, why? 62 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,920 Oh, he's got a chance to get into professional wrestling. Gonna call 63 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:55,920 Super Fat. 64 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,120 Super Fat? What is it, a joke? 65 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:06,080 No. I gave your little cousin Dimples here $3 ,000 advance. He spent $2 66 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,260 ,500 of it on sequined leotards. 67 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,360 Ben, oh, shame on you. 68 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,460 Well, I could be a contender, Felix. 69 00:05:15,820 --> 00:05:18,620 Oh, you're going to prison for this, Lardo. 70 00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:22,900 I'll fit you into a towel. 71 00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:30,220 Prison? No, let not be hateful. Ben, let me talk to Mr. Hooper alone. 72 00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:33,520 It's not too far from Adman to Madman, you know. 73 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,160 You're the best cousin my cousin ever had. 74 00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:40,860 Here, have another tat. 75 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:46,300 There's been a problem in the family ever since he was this big. 76 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,480 to tell me about fat. I'm a former fatty. 77 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,360 I worked hard to lose this waistline. Then you should have some compassion. 78 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:02,460 Felix, the ad is due in the printers tonight. I've got a board of directors 79 00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:03,720 waiting to sit on my bell. 80 00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:08,060 Either you find another tubbo fast or your cousin becomes the fat man of 81 00:06:08,060 --> 00:06:09,060 Alcatraz. 82 00:06:09,740 --> 00:06:12,600 I've got one. I've got one. Got one what? I've got a fat guy for you. Well, 83 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:13,820 where is he? Right here. 84 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:17,680 Fat guy in your wallet? Yeah, yeah. Two bells for the fat guy in your wallet. 85 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,420 Look. 86 00:06:20,770 --> 00:06:22,710 Now that's championship chub. 87 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:27,830 That's the way I used to look. Who is it? That's my roommate, Oscar. 88 00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:32,170 You mean you live in the same barn with this thing? No, no, that was taken eight 89 00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:33,550 years ago. He's lost a lot of weight. 90 00:06:34,010 --> 00:06:37,550 Well, he's one of us now. Yeah, yeah. Well, why do you still carry this 91 00:06:37,550 --> 00:06:38,389 with you? 92 00:06:38,390 --> 00:06:39,390 For laughs. 93 00:06:39,550 --> 00:06:40,650 I show it at parties. 94 00:06:42,850 --> 00:06:44,550 You're really a good friend. Oh, yeah. 95 00:06:45,330 --> 00:06:46,770 He loved it when I teased him. 96 00:06:46,970 --> 00:06:49,090 Well, if he's thin now, how can we use him? 97 00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:52,050 Simple. We use this picture as before. 98 00:06:52,350 --> 00:06:55,350 Then we take a picture of him as he is now for today. 99 00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:57,690 That'll be the after, see? It's simple. 100 00:06:58,390 --> 00:07:00,550 That's totally dishonest, isn't it? We can't do that. 101 00:07:00,810 --> 00:07:01,810 I like it. 102 00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,450 But is it ethical? 103 00:07:04,890 --> 00:07:09,130 Oh, sure it's ethical. A lot of people do it. Then we'll do it. Sure. We'll get 104 00:07:09,130 --> 00:07:10,730 your roommate on the phone and have him sign a release. 105 00:07:11,010 --> 00:07:13,210 Oh, I can't. He's out of town. 106 00:07:13,590 --> 00:07:15,410 I feel like a rat in a maze. 107 00:07:16,510 --> 00:07:17,970 Butting my head against walls. 108 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:22,240 First you bring your fat cousin in here, he quits on me, we decide on your 109 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:23,700 roommate, and he's out of town. 110 00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:25,760 You're going to drive me to food. 111 00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:30,600 As soon as he gets back, I'll talk him into it. I can talk him into anything. 112 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,800 He can have the $500 your cousin left over. 113 00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:35,020 For $500, he'd pose naked. 114 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:36,880 This is a family pill. 115 00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:42,520 Let me see what took place here. Let me run it through my computer. 116 00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:47,440 He's going to use the cousin. He's too fat. He's not fat. He's going to go. 117 00:07:48,410 --> 00:07:51,150 Want to use the roommate? He's okay. He's out of town. We'll use him anyway. 118 00:07:51,590 --> 00:07:54,490 Going to have the 500 extra? I did good. Five bells for me. 119 00:08:04,890 --> 00:08:05,890 Oh. 120 00:08:06,870 --> 00:08:08,090 Oscar. Oscar. 121 00:08:08,370 --> 00:08:09,370 Oscar. 122 00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:13,010 301 pounds of butter. 123 00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:15,650 All of it potato chips. 124 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,900 Devil guy, welcome home. 125 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,620 How was San Francisco? 126 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,820 I think I got trolley latched. 127 00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:33,940 Where's your luggage? 128 00:08:34,179 --> 00:08:36,400 I didn't take any, except socks, that's all. 129 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,260 You didn't take any luggage to San Francisco? 130 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:43,760 Well, I was only there for two days. 131 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,320 Did you at least take a toothbrush? 132 00:08:47,780 --> 00:08:49,240 Of course, of course I took a toothbrush. 133 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,800 Will of the West. Look at this. A warning from Blanche's lawyer. 134 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,940 $280 back alimony if I go to jail. I got your favorite. 135 00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:05,620 Cookies and ketchup. Sit down. Relax. 136 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,420 Dip away. I'll get you a beer. 137 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,120 What? 138 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:22,880 What? 139 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:24,819 What is this? 140 00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:25,820 What's what? 141 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,440 That's a blow -up of an ad I'm working on. 142 00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:33,840 Felix, under those glasses and mustache, there is me. 143 00:09:35,260 --> 00:09:36,360 That's you all over. 144 00:09:37,380 --> 00:09:40,260 Felix, what is this old photo of me doing in this ad? 145 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,920 It's all over New York. Oh, no, no, no, no. 146 00:09:45,220 --> 00:09:46,220 Next week. 147 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:50,380 Felix, no next week. I don't want the whole world to know that once I look 148 00:09:50,380 --> 00:09:51,380 Moby Dick. 149 00:09:53,220 --> 00:09:56,700 Moby Dick, that's right. You're something. I want an explanation, Felix. 150 00:09:57,180 --> 00:10:00,100 Isn't that just like you? You're so predictable. 151 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,680 You come in, you see that picture, and you want an explanation. 152 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:09,540 I tell you, Oscar, the things that happened to me, I should write a book. 153 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:14,200 Isn't it interesting how the most complex things in life turn out to be 154 00:10:14,460 --> 00:10:15,460 You know my cousin Ben? 155 00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:19,080 Ben? Yeah, Ben. You know Ben the Ben? Well, don't mince words. 156 00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:21,140 The beach ball. 157 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:26,240 Anyway, if we don't use that ad, Ben goes to jail. 158 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,480 Sounds reasonable. 159 00:10:32,620 --> 00:10:35,260 Why didn't you ask me before you did a thing like this? Didn't I try? 160 00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,900 Why don't you tell me where you're staying out of town? 161 00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:39,260 Yes. 162 00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:41,800 I'll give you three words. 163 00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:44,020 Trust me, please. 164 00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:48,580 Felix, 19 words. I'm never going to do it. If you dance the bolero on my nose, 165 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:49,700 no. 166 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,580 That was 11 words, but I'm not counting that you're mad. 167 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,940 It means a lot to me. It's very important. It means a lot to me that 168 00:10:56,940 --> 00:10:57,940 this photo. 169 00:10:58,030 --> 00:11:01,230 This happened when I got my divorce. I was upset. I ate a lot. I mean, I got 170 00:11:01,230 --> 00:11:02,230 fat. It was embarrassing. 171 00:11:02,590 --> 00:11:04,650 I mean, I didn't wear glasses and a mustache for nothing. 172 00:11:04,850 --> 00:11:07,390 No. Either you kill that out or I kill you. You understand? 173 00:11:08,270 --> 00:11:09,270 Oh, my God. 174 00:11:09,630 --> 00:11:12,250 Just tell Mr. Hooper you don't want the money. Again, money. You didn't mention 175 00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:12,989 money before. 176 00:11:12,990 --> 00:11:15,570 As far as the American Royal mentioned, but you didn't mention money. What are 177 00:11:15,570 --> 00:11:16,209 you doing? 178 00:11:16,210 --> 00:11:19,250 Don't put my name off. That's like meeting my mail. That's because Oscar 179 00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:20,250 must be familiar. 180 00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:21,470 There's money in here. 181 00:11:21,950 --> 00:11:23,290 Is it $500? 182 00:11:23,590 --> 00:11:26,290 Yeah. Just for being the old colossal here? Yeah. 183 00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:28,230 What's the catch? 184 00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,270 No catch. 185 00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:33,130 You mean that's all there is to it? Yeah. 186 00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:37,730 Well, besides that, I have to take a picture of you now, and that's after. 187 00:11:37,770 --> 00:11:38,770 before and after. 188 00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:39,850 Oh. 189 00:11:40,230 --> 00:11:41,930 Why doesn't it sound honest to me? 190 00:11:42,850 --> 00:11:46,410 Isn't that funny? It didn't sound honest to me either at first, but it's 191 00:11:46,410 --> 00:11:49,730 absolutely ethical. Lots of people do it. And it is a good product. That's 192 00:11:49,730 --> 00:11:52,190 important, it is. All right. Look, I'll go along with that, but I don't want to 193 00:11:52,190 --> 00:11:53,750 do anything dishonest. I don't blame you. 194 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,760 Okay. Look, can you keep this off the books so I won't have to declare it? 195 00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:03,100 Hey. Got your message? It came right over. Oh, I've got good news. I've got 196 00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,320 news. Yeah? Yeah? First, the bad news. What? 197 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:10,080 Advertising committee sending a man named Doyle over to make sure our ad 198 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,760 fraudulent. But you said a lot of people do it. 199 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,160 Well, of course. That's why they're trying to stop it. 200 00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:17,980 Oh, boy. 201 00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:19,360 Oh, boy. I knew we'd get in trouble. 202 00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:22,840 I knew it. I knew it. Just try to help somebody. 203 00:12:28,690 --> 00:12:30,510 I've been such a good boy all my life. 204 00:12:30,930 --> 00:12:36,750 Felix, the investigator isn't concerned about the magazine ad. He isn't? No. 205 00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:39,330 What am I carrying on for? He's concerned about the TV commercial. 206 00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:42,230 What TV commercial? 207 00:12:42,450 --> 00:12:44,230 The one that you're going to direct. 208 00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:46,250 Me? 209 00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:49,790 Oh, boy, I'm going to direct a TV commercial. That's the good news. Give 210 00:12:49,790 --> 00:12:51,370 yourself a bell. Oh, wow. 211 00:12:51,890 --> 00:12:52,890 Yes. 212 00:12:52,990 --> 00:12:56,670 Our magazine ad was such a smash, we bought time in every TV station in New 213 00:12:56,670 --> 00:12:58,270 York. A TV commercial? Yeah. 214 00:12:58,650 --> 00:13:02,010 We'll use a different model then, huh? Oh, no, we'll still use your former 215 00:13:02,010 --> 00:13:04,890 roomie. We've already got billboards up saying OM's coming to TV. 216 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,410 Well, how can we do that? 217 00:13:06,570 --> 00:13:09,390 He's not fat anymore. He's one of us. I won't do it. 218 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:14,090 Felix, how's it going to look? The investigator's on his way over. We 219 00:13:14,090 --> 00:13:16,250 commercial. Not too kosherini over. 220 00:13:16,850 --> 00:13:17,850 Boy, 221 00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:19,630 this is my water game. 222 00:13:23,710 --> 00:13:27,510 We're in big trouble. Relax, Felix. I've got it all figured out. I've got a 223 00:13:27,510 --> 00:13:28,590 great idea. 224 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,090 I love it. How many bells? No! 225 00:13:30,370 --> 00:13:31,370 Don't touch my bell. 226 00:13:32,130 --> 00:13:33,330 Not unless I give you permission. 227 00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:37,530 Give this to us. 228 00:13:37,890 --> 00:13:39,030 Oh, no. 229 00:13:40,150 --> 00:13:41,690 He'd never do this in a hundred years. 230 00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:44,090 There's another 500 in it for him. At this price. 231 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:56,440 Wrong color? 232 00:13:58,420 --> 00:13:59,620 Who needs a tie? 233 00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:08,700 Play it again, Sam. 234 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,539 Hi, Felix. 235 00:14:12,540 --> 00:14:13,840 Hi. Like it? 236 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,640 Hard to believe, isn't it? You can get a fit like this right off the rack? 237 00:14:18,460 --> 00:14:21,140 Only $29 .29. 238 00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:23,580 Too loud for you? You don't like it, huh? 239 00:14:25,780 --> 00:14:26,579 It's clean. 240 00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:27,600 That's the important thing. 241 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,780 I'm glad you like it. I got a blind date with a swinging stewardess tonight. 242 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,500 She'll be here in about an hour. Here? Yeah. 243 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:37,180 Who fixed you up? The travel agent. They'll do anything to get you to fly, 244 00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,620 know. Oh, you dirty guy. 245 00:14:39,820 --> 00:14:43,660 Yeah. I want to tell you how I thank you for that money. It came at the right 246 00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:45,980 time. I paid all my bills. I got this beautiful jacket. 247 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:51,240 Well, I had enough left to... Well, get you a little... Oh, come on now. You got 248 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,240 to accept it. Come on, will you? Oh, that's very, very... 249 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,000 Isn't that different? 250 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,980 Too nice to wear. 251 00:15:05,180 --> 00:15:07,420 Well, Santa isn't dead. 252 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,660 My name again on an envelope? 253 00:15:10,060 --> 00:15:11,060 Money. 254 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,220 I can't believe it. $500? 255 00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,480 Mr. Hooper at Fataway said he thought you deserved it. 256 00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:18,020 Again, I don't have to do anything? 257 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,880 One little thing. 258 00:15:22,580 --> 00:15:23,740 Give me back my tie. 259 00:15:27,050 --> 00:15:28,490 be shy. This is ridiculous. 260 00:15:28,690 --> 00:15:31,170 It's not ridiculous. You're being ridiculous. Now come on. 261 00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:12,290 It reminds me of when I was really fat. Now, I'm going to go change. Look, you 262 00:16:12,290 --> 00:16:13,350 took the money, didn't you? 263 00:16:13,990 --> 00:16:14,990 I'll stop laughing. 264 00:16:15,090 --> 00:16:16,290 The man will be here, the investigator. 265 00:16:16,630 --> 00:16:20,510 It's only for 30 minutes. 30 minutes is too long to look like Mount McKinley. 266 00:16:21,510 --> 00:16:22,510 There he is. Now, go on. 267 00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:23,890 Put it on. 268 00:16:24,890 --> 00:16:29,930 Big smile. 269 00:16:30,710 --> 00:16:31,710 Think fast. 270 00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:33,010 What do you want to do, Kingston? 271 00:16:33,970 --> 00:16:34,970 Hello, Mr. Hoover. 272 00:16:35,050 --> 00:16:36,570 Hi, Felix. Let's get this over with. 273 00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:51,960 Step up and meet our model, Mr. O .M.? Yeah, Mr. Doyle. Why don't you go take a 274 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:52,839 hike around him? 275 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:53,840 Okay. 276 00:16:55,460 --> 00:16:58,020 Is he in any condition to make a judgment? 277 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,760 The best possible condition. I took him to every bar in town. 278 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,619 Four bells for El Dranco. 279 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,540 Nothing phony about this guy, huh, Mr. Doyle? 280 00:17:08,780 --> 00:17:10,200 He's got his own zip code. 281 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,339 I'd like to see Evel Knievel jump over him. 282 00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:19,810 Would you mind taking off your coat? 283 00:17:20,670 --> 00:17:24,230 Ah, Mr. Doyle, how about a little trip to the well, huh? Right down the hall. 284 00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:25,849 Oh, no, not that kind of well. 285 00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:27,130 This, this well. 286 00:17:27,150 --> 00:17:30,350 Here you are, Mr. Doyle. How about in the glass this time? It'll be unique. 287 00:17:30,630 --> 00:17:32,310 Okay. This way, come on. 288 00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:34,850 Oh, that must be my date, huh? 289 00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:40,630 Hello? Hello, I'm Ann. 290 00:17:40,870 --> 00:17:41,870 Come in, Ann. 291 00:17:42,090 --> 00:17:43,130 Nice to meet you. 292 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:52,120 to take this blind date. I meet so many kooks and weirdos, you know. You look 293 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,160 real straight, Mr. Madison. 294 00:17:53,380 --> 00:17:57,740 I'm straight as an arrow, and I'm not Mr. Madison. You're not? No. This is Mr. 295 00:17:57,820 --> 00:17:58,820 Madison. 296 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,320 Oh. 297 00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:03,660 Hello. 298 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,040 Hi. 299 00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:10,420 My friend said you were quite a guy. 300 00:18:11,980 --> 00:18:13,260 And I'm cute, too. 301 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,320 See, I'm not really this far. 302 00:18:15,580 --> 00:18:16,580 Oh, well. 303 00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:19,370 That doesn't really matter as long as you're not a cuckoo bird. 304 00:18:19,610 --> 00:18:23,770 No, no, no. I'm not a cuckoo bird. And see, I'm thin. I'm wearing a fat suit. 305 00:18:24,050 --> 00:18:24,929 A fat suit? 306 00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:28,430 Yeah. Wait, I'll show you. I'll show you my real chest. Put it back. No, I 307 00:18:28,430 --> 00:18:31,030 can't. I've got to show it. She thinks I'm fat. No, I'm not fat. I want to show 308 00:18:31,030 --> 00:18:34,610 it. Excuse me. I've got an unscheduled... He's really a fat man. 309 00:18:34,610 --> 00:18:35,790 you want to see my real stomach? 310 00:18:36,150 --> 00:18:37,490 Goodbye, weirdo. 311 00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:43,590 Why do you always act crazy in front of girls? 312 00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:50,840 Mr. Doyle, you've seen him walk, you've heard him talk. We'll be on our way now. 313 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,740 Why, you don't even have to be here tomorrow when we shoot the commercial. 314 00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:54,740 that's too bad. 315 00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:57,460 You got the well? Yeah, I've got it right here. 316 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,740 Good work. Four bells. 317 00:19:09,540 --> 00:19:11,040 That Hooper is a real weirdo. 318 00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:15,480 He's a real weirdo? I'm walking around here dressed up like Dumbo with a bow 319 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:16,480 and he's a weirdo? 320 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,840 I've never been so humiliated in my life. I'll never see that girl again. 321 00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:22,520 Take it easy, big guy. Don't call me that anymore. 322 00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,540 Now, what is this thing about a commercial that Doyle was talking about? 323 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,180 Nothing to get excited about. When you talk like that, I really get excited. 324 00:19:29,220 --> 00:19:32,020 Now, what is it? Nothing, nothing. It's a little 60 -second thing we're doing. 325 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,780 No, no, we're not doing it. No, I'm not doing it. 326 00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:37,020 $500? I don't care. I wouldn't do it, no. For $500? No, I wouldn't do it for 327 00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:39,800 nothing. Are you listening to me, Clayton? Am I a dignified man? What's 328 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,840 to do with anything? Perhaps even bordering on the stuffy. Way over the 329 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,000 I'm the kind of man who takes pride in his dignity, right? So? 330 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,980 I'm grumbling. Look at me. I'm on my knees. 331 00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:54,440 Ben will go to jail. I'll go to jail. You'll go to jail as an accomplice. 332 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,520 of tunneling out with Ben. 333 00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:58,360 All right. 334 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:02,940 What are you learning about? If you could see what I see, you look like the 335 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,260 Goodyear blimp with a hat on it. 336 00:20:07,260 --> 00:20:12,480 You ready? 337 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,720 Oscar, are you standing by? 338 00:20:16,330 --> 00:20:17,330 Crew, give me your attention. 339 00:20:17,630 --> 00:20:20,770 We're working with a very inexperienced actor. I don't know if he's got more 340 00:20:20,770 --> 00:20:23,610 than one real take in him. So we're going to rehearse this on film. 341 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:24,769 All right. 342 00:20:24,770 --> 00:20:25,770 Position. 343 00:20:26,830 --> 00:20:27,830 Two cards a little higher. 344 00:20:29,110 --> 00:20:30,110 Roll them. 345 00:20:32,290 --> 00:20:33,290 Action. 346 00:20:37,950 --> 00:20:38,950 Hello. 347 00:20:39,070 --> 00:20:40,770 I'm a dramatization of a doctor. 348 00:20:42,690 --> 00:20:45,390 I've been called to the home of Mr. O .M. of the Bronx. 349 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,880 A meticulously well -kept place, as you can see. 350 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:57,940 I'm here on behalf of the Fataway Diet Bill Company, the company that offers 351 00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:01,080 relief to this man and others like him. 352 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:12,620 In three months, through the miracle of Fataway, this person will become an 353 00:21:12,620 --> 00:21:14,020 individual instead of a group. 354 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,660 I wonder, do any of you... Have these problems. 355 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,700 Do you have trouble touching your toes? 356 00:21:24,460 --> 00:21:26,580 Are you unable to raise your hands? 357 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,140 This could cost you your life in a hold -up. 358 00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:33,220 Is sitting down a problem? 359 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:39,760 Is getting up also a problem? 360 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,880 Are you embarrassed to tap dance? 361 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,700 When was the last time you tried a cartwheel? 362 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:09,900 If you have these difficulties, try Fat Away. 363 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:16,020 Watch for Mr. O .M. in three months when he will touch his toes, sit, dance, and 364 00:22:16,020 --> 00:22:18,080 cartwheel his way into your heart. 365 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,020 And cut. 366 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,160 Goodness, that's over. One more time, fellas. He blew it. What? 367 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,520 He didn't do the cartwheel. 368 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:27,800 I'm going to kill you. 369 00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:29,220 Take five, crew. 370 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,700 That's a great story. 371 00:22:32,940 --> 00:22:37,120 I'm really quite touched. Ladies and gentlemen, and now in the category of 372 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:42,800 best new product commercial of the year, the nominees are... Hagmeyer's Easy 373 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:43,800 Flow Ketchup. 374 00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:17,700 And now the winner of the best new product commercial of the year. 375 00:23:20,300 --> 00:23:24,480 The winner is a Fataway diet pill. 376 00:23:25,100 --> 00:23:26,180 I'm proud of you. 377 00:23:27,220 --> 00:23:32,200 Accepting the award, Mr. Lyle Hooper, president of Fataway, and the director 378 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:33,480 the commercial, Mr. Felix Unger. 379 00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:36,340 Mr. Unger, this is yours, I believe. 380 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:38,080 Thank you. 381 00:23:39,220 --> 00:23:41,720 We at Fataway feel honored. 382 00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:46,240 This is just round one in our fight against fat. Thank you. 383 00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:49,900 Ditto. 384 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:53,440 No, no ditto. 385 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,280 I don't deserve this. I'm a fake. I'm a fraud. 386 00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:58,560 O .M. is not really a fat man. 387 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:03,480 He's got a bit of a pot, but not 300 pounds worth. I used trickery and guile 388 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:06,320 deception to get him to do that commercial. It's a very good product. 389 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,340 helped thousands of people, but that doesn't justify what I did. I don't 390 00:24:09,340 --> 00:24:11,820 your applause, and I don't deserve your dink. 391 00:24:29,550 --> 00:24:30,710 Oscar, you came. 392 00:24:31,270 --> 00:24:34,390 I've been there all the time. I didn't want you to see me. I knew you couldn't 393 00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:35,390 accept that award. 394 00:24:35,410 --> 00:24:41,270 Oh, Oscar, you're a real friend. I don't know how you put up with me, all the 395 00:24:41,270 --> 00:24:45,730 things I make you go through. I'm so sorry. I promise you, I'll never 396 00:24:45,730 --> 00:24:47,270 you again. Will you forget it? 397 00:24:48,050 --> 00:24:49,050 You're a buddy. 398 00:24:49,450 --> 00:24:50,670 Listen, one thing. What? 399 00:24:51,230 --> 00:24:54,230 Sunday is my little boy Leonard's birthday. He's having some kids over. 400 00:24:54,810 --> 00:24:58,330 Would you get into the fat suit and come to the party? The kids would love it. 401 00:24:58,350 --> 00:25:02,190 Really, they would. Would you please get such a laugh out of it? 32193

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