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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:13,320 Thank you. 2 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,700 Why, are we trying to get rid of another neighbor? 3 00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:50,660 My opera club's having its recital next week. I'm the accompanist. We're doing a 4 00:00:50,660 --> 00:00:52,640 program of Mozart and muffins. 5 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,760 Mozart's music, my muffins. 6 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,279 That's right. 7 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,100 Like this oil you want, it won't bother us. 8 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,540 It won't bother us? 9 00:01:03,020 --> 00:01:05,420 Yeah, I invited a house guest for the week. Who? 10 00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:09,160 My old army buddy, Wild Willie Byrne. No, sir. No, sir. 11 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:10,440 Take it easy, will you? 12 00:01:10,510 --> 00:01:14,010 He's appearing with a rodeo down at Madison Square Garden for a week. I will 13 00:01:14,010 --> 00:01:16,270 have him in this house again this year. Why am I supposed to stay to my friend? 14 00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:17,309 Go stay in a hotel? 15 00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:18,490 Besides, he's a fun guy. 16 00:01:19,210 --> 00:01:22,150 Squirting flowers and joy butlers are not fun. 17 00:01:23,510 --> 00:01:25,810 A pony in my bathtub was not fun. 18 00:01:26,130 --> 00:01:29,350 Oh, so he pulled a few harmless pranks. You didn't have to clean up the 19 00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:30,350 bathroom. 20 00:01:30,970 --> 00:01:33,430 Listen, if it wasn't for his sense of humor, I don't think I'd have gotten 21 00:01:33,430 --> 00:01:34,430 through basic training. 22 00:01:34,610 --> 00:01:36,670 What did he do? Short sheet the colonel's bed. 23 00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:37,970 How did you know? 24 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:46,020 He's going to behave himself in this house, or out he goes. This is not a 25 00:01:46,020 --> 00:01:47,180 here. He's going to be a gentleman, you understand? 26 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,520 Okay. He'll get out, dribble glass and all. All right, all right. 27 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:51,840 Hey, Oscar! 28 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,840 Hello, Mr. 29 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,580 Boggs. I didn't want to impose on you empty -handed, so I stopped by and got 30 00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:06,580 some chicken in a bucket. 31 00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:10,620 That's very kind of you. Thank you very much. 32 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:48,580 Yesterday, when I was young, so many happy songs 33 00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:51,100 were waiting to be sung. 34 00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:58,180 So many wild pleasures lay in store for me, and so much 35 00:03:58,180 --> 00:04:04,300 pain my dazzled eyes refused to see. I ran so fast the time, 36 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,000 and youth at last ran out. 37 00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:12,040 I never stopped to think what life was all about. 38 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:19,339 And every conversation I can now recall concerned itself with me 39 00:04:19,339 --> 00:04:22,320 and nothing else at all. 40 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,440 There are so many songs in me that won't be sung. 41 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:32,340 I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue. 42 00:04:32,580 --> 00:04:36,920 The time has come for me to pay for yesterday. 43 00:04:38,950 --> 00:04:41,670 When I was young. 44 00:04:50,650 --> 00:04:57,230 Now, I want to do my favorite. Come on. 45 00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:59,190 You've got to do my favorite once at least. 46 00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:04,610 Down the road there from me, there's a big hall that's free, where you lay down 47 00:05:04,610 --> 00:05:05,610 a dollar. 48 00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:07,710 Yes, and? Well, you pull around. 49 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:12,140 When you come back again, there's a joke from good old Mountain Dew. 50 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:18,220 When they call it that good old Mountain Dew, and them that refuse it are cute. 51 00:05:18,980 --> 00:05:24,500 I'll hush up my muggy when you fill up my jug with some good old Mountain Dew. 52 00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:30,740 Now my brother Bill's got a still on the hill where he runs off a gallon or two. 53 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,120 And the budget's in the sky. 54 00:05:43,370 --> 00:05:44,370 aren't you? 55 00:05:44,630 --> 00:05:50,490 I'll hush up my mug before you fill up my jug with some good old Mountain Dew! 56 00:05:53,230 --> 00:05:54,230 Yeah! 57 00:05:54,970 --> 00:05:55,970 Oh, I love it. 58 00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:59,830 I can do that all in a long time. Thank you. 59 00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:02,910 It's very good. 60 00:06:03,310 --> 00:06:04,310 For what it is. 61 00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:06,430 Play another one, will you? Nope. 62 00:06:08,110 --> 00:06:11,010 Well, I don't have time anyway. I've got to get ready for the rodeo. 63 00:06:11,690 --> 00:06:14,550 But I do want to thank you, Felix, for what you said about my singing and 64 00:06:14,550 --> 00:06:17,910 playing. I know you know a lot about music. Well, you're more than welcome. 65 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:19,170 Shake. 66 00:06:25,990 --> 00:06:29,070 You think that's funny? It is funny. You think that's funny? 67 00:06:29,630 --> 00:06:30,630 Yes. 68 00:06:30,970 --> 00:06:34,850 My napkin. Oh, he's such a funny guy. What a wonderful person to have around. 69 00:06:34,950 --> 00:06:35,950 Oh, knock it off. 70 00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:40,430 He's been in the house half a day. Already I've sat on his whoopee cushions 71 00:06:40,430 --> 00:06:41,430 three times. 72 00:06:42,659 --> 00:06:45,560 He glued my shoes to the floor and he greased the toilet seat. 73 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:51,340 It's because he's a fun -loving guy and he likes to see people laugh. You notice 74 00:06:51,340 --> 00:06:54,480 he doesn't do it to me? Because I think it's funny. He does it to you because 75 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,960 you're stuffy and don't have a sense of humor. 76 00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:57,700 I don't have a sense of humor? That's right. 77 00:06:58,020 --> 00:06:59,020 Me? Yeah. 78 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,880 The one who had them rolling in the trenches at Anzio with my imitation of 79 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:03,880 Coward. 80 00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:06,200 You think that was funny? 81 00:07:06,420 --> 00:07:08,600 What do you think is funny? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! 82 00:07:11,630 --> 00:07:13,330 A man walks into an elevator. There's a naked woman. 83 00:07:13,610 --> 00:07:15,930 He says, my wife's got an outfit just like that at home. 84 00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:19,310 Boy, that's funny. 85 00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:20,550 That's funny. 86 00:07:21,110 --> 00:07:22,730 I've got to be getting down to the rodeo. 87 00:07:23,090 --> 00:07:25,530 I sure hate that I'm going to miss one of your fine dinners tonight. 88 00:07:26,210 --> 00:07:28,390 Well, I'm certain you'll make it for breakfast, won't you? 89 00:07:29,590 --> 00:07:32,370 Felix, you seem a bit testy. If I've been getting on your nerves, I have a 90 00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:33,430 feeling that you don't like me. 91 00:07:34,350 --> 00:07:36,850 I don't like your prank very much. 92 00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:40,110 Well, it's because you've never tried them. You ought to try them one time. I 93 00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:41,110 don't think so. 94 00:07:41,490 --> 00:07:44,350 You want to pull a great prank on Oscar while I'm gone? No. Why? 95 00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:48,670 This rubber hot dog. 96 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:50,750 Oh, they're a gas. 97 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,990 A rubber hot dog? Yeah, he takes one bite out of it and then chews it all 98 00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:57,010 long. It's rubber. I wish I could be here to see the expression on his face. 99 00:07:57,030 --> 00:07:58,030 Thank you very much. 100 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,300 I'll be back for you if you'd like it. One of your favorites. What have you 101 00:08:15,420 --> 00:08:18,900 Yeah, nine cold hot dogs. Just put a lot of mustard on it. A lot of mustard, 102 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,800 yeah. That's nice of you. 103 00:09:36,540 --> 00:09:38,160 Well, that's quite a surprise. 104 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:39,800 It was Mozart, wasn't it? 105 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:40,980 Yes, it was. 106 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,420 Until you turned it into Memphis. 107 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:45,160 You like good music? 108 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:46,680 Yes, it's one of my first loves. 109 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,960 Really? Hey, you know this? 110 00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:53,100 Vivaldi. Wow. Can you play this? 111 00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:54,520 Well, it's been a while. 112 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,300 What happened? Did the fiddle explode? 113 00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,040 This is a real violin. 114 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,120 The bow is made of licorice? 115 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,500 I'm very serious. We'll just start from here. 116 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,660 One, two, three 117 00:10:41,249 --> 00:10:42,350 You are good. 118 00:10:42,890 --> 00:10:44,510 Well, you know, I used to practice a lot. 119 00:10:44,830 --> 00:10:47,010 In fact, I had a scholarship before I went in the army. 120 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,270 No kidding. Why did you give it up? 121 00:10:48,470 --> 00:10:51,910 Well, sitting in a room all day practicing on the violin is not my idea 122 00:10:51,970 --> 00:10:53,930 I like to get out with the people and joke, make them laugh. 123 00:10:54,170 --> 00:10:57,550 No, fun is mesmerizing an audience of thousands. 124 00:10:58,070 --> 00:11:01,110 Fun is the happiness your gift can bring to other people. 125 00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:03,490 Let's do this one again. 126 00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,190 One, two, three. 127 00:11:37,450 --> 00:11:39,450 what you were doing, the playing, that was terrific. 128 00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:42,750 You see that? You see the reaction of that man? Now that's fun. 129 00:11:43,830 --> 00:11:46,110 You really like that? I'm telling you, it was sensational. 130 00:11:48,150 --> 00:11:49,330 You guys excuse me. 131 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:51,110 What's this all about? 132 00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:02,110 Congratulations. 133 00:12:02,370 --> 00:12:03,129 For what? 134 00:12:03,130 --> 00:12:06,570 You just turned that man into a concert violinist. I did? 135 00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:08,660 You're a magician. 136 00:12:08,780 --> 00:12:09,739 I am? 137 00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:11,640 Then how come I can't make you disappear? 138 00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:20,440 Come on, Willie, you've been practicing for three days. 139 00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,900 I want you to meet my friend Murray. You'll love him. He can direct traffic 140 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:24,879 his nose. 141 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:25,880 Murray! 142 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,520 Is this the guy? Wild Willie Boggs, meet Murray the cop. 143 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:30,839 How's it going? 144 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:32,280 I heard about you. 145 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,060 I'm not falling for that one. 146 00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:36,560 Well, let's all sit down. Grab a chair, Murray. 147 00:12:41,609 --> 00:12:43,330 You almost got me that time. 148 00:12:43,610 --> 00:12:46,550 Oscar, what would have happened if I sat in that chair? That's the beauty part 149 00:12:46,550 --> 00:12:48,150 you never know with Wild Willie, see? 150 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:54,230 Willie, tell them about the time we were stationed in Tokyo. Go ahead. You're 151 00:12:54,230 --> 00:12:55,230 going to love this. 152 00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:57,730 Well, we went in this geisha house. Yeah, yeah. 153 00:12:58,670 --> 00:13:00,750 Stayed about two days and then went on back to the bay. 154 00:13:04,930 --> 00:13:06,170 That's not funny, Oscar. 155 00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:07,490 He's warming up. 156 00:13:07,990 --> 00:13:10,170 Willie, you didn't tell him what happened when they served dinner. 157 00:13:10,630 --> 00:13:12,950 Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. You won't be able to tell. 158 00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:17,590 Well, we took our shoes off, sat around in all these cushions, two beautiful 159 00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:20,990 girls brought all this food in, and Oscar and me ate too much. 160 00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:26,410 Oscar, he's no Murray Amsterdam. 161 00:13:27,490 --> 00:13:29,090 I don't understand you, Willie. 162 00:13:29,470 --> 00:13:32,970 You can't even break up Murray, and he left the police lineup. 163 00:13:33,250 --> 00:13:35,590 I'm sorry, I don't have time for all of this. 164 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:39,000 I've got to practice. I've got to learn a very difficult number. Nice meeting 165 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:39,659 you, Murray. 166 00:13:39,660 --> 00:13:42,480 I'll tell you, you're not a fun guy anymore. I'll tell you that. I've seen 167 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:43,800 in cracks that are funnier than you. 168 00:13:45,140 --> 00:13:46,600 Boy, boy, oh, boy. 169 00:13:47,220 --> 00:13:48,220 I'm sorry, Murray. 170 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:53,180 Well, he seems like a nice guy, but he just wasn't funny. He used to be. 171 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,820 Felix ruined him. He ruined my funniest friend. 172 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,640 I thought I was his funniest friend. 173 00:14:24,110 --> 00:14:28,430 You have to be such a bore. You realize you're tampering with a man's life? Why 174 00:14:28,430 --> 00:14:30,770 don't you go in there and tell him he doesn't have to do this? You know what 175 00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:33,650 are? What? You're the kind of man who ruins the world. 176 00:14:34,130 --> 00:14:35,130 How? 177 00:14:35,790 --> 00:14:40,470 He sticks an umbrella down my pants, opens it, and you scream with laughter. 178 00:14:40,470 --> 00:14:41,470 course, it's funny. 179 00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,110 You have a hotfoot mentality. 180 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:47,670 What about you? You turn a former funny guy into a mummy in a violin case. I 181 00:14:47,670 --> 00:14:48,730 hope you're very happy with yourself. 182 00:14:49,030 --> 00:14:51,570 I'm delighted. You know what's going to happen here Saturday afternoon? 183 00:14:51,910 --> 00:14:53,190 Sure, you're going to shampoo the rug. 184 00:14:54,470 --> 00:14:57,150 After that. You know who's coming to my opera recital? Who? 185 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,430 Boris Kalnyakov. 186 00:14:59,270 --> 00:15:01,470 Hooray! Boris Kalnyakov. 187 00:15:01,870 --> 00:15:05,950 The concert impresario. With one wave of his cane, he can give him a whole new 188 00:15:05,950 --> 00:15:09,750 career. I'm going to have Willie play for him. Isn't that exciting? Oh, be 189 00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:10,750 my heart. Now listen. 190 00:15:11,890 --> 00:15:13,050 His dinner's in the oven. 191 00:15:13,310 --> 00:15:14,710 Serve it to him in one hour. 192 00:15:14,970 --> 00:15:16,770 Shall I flip it to him under his cell door? 193 00:15:18,010 --> 00:15:20,690 I shudder to think what would have happened if you'd been a friend of 194 00:15:20,690 --> 00:15:22,650 Michelangelo's. There'd be no Sistine Chapel. 195 00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:25,950 You'd have said, leave your brushes, Mike. We'll go tip over Gondola. 196 00:15:30,170 --> 00:15:32,790 All right, everyone. Here we go. 197 00:15:33,450 --> 00:15:34,770 Meeting will come to order. 198 00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:37,810 All right. The meeting will come to order. Come on, everybody. 199 00:15:38,030 --> 00:15:40,130 Sit down. Sit down, everybody. Please sit down. 200 00:15:40,370 --> 00:15:43,670 Sit down. No, no, you can't have the biggest chair this time. No, we're 201 00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:45,550 that chair for something very special. 202 00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:51,750 Members of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club, welcome to Mozart and Muffin. 203 00:15:52,620 --> 00:15:58,520 Mozart made the music, and I made the muffins. So help yourself as you see 204 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:03,820 Now, well, don't take any of those. All right, everybody, 205 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,900 sit down. So now we have a great big surprise for you. 206 00:16:07,980 --> 00:16:12,080 We're going to have a surprise guest and a surprise performer. 207 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:17,680 But to start things off, our own Fred Felsher will sing an aria for us that he 208 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,660 has been working on for 14 years. 209 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:28,460 Il mio tesoro From Don Giovanni 210 00:16:28,460 --> 00:16:34,560 Il mio 211 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,560 tesoro 212 00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,100 Mr. Felsher. 213 00:17:32,820 --> 00:17:33,340 Sit 214 00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:40,500 down. 215 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,560 Have a muffin. 216 00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:43,460 Isn't he talented? 217 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,480 He could use a little more practice. 218 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,980 I'm so sorry. I wanted to make a good impression. Never mind the impression. 219 00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:52,840 You're not rich little. 220 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,640 I came to hear the cowboy violinist. And you will hear him laugh. 221 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:02,490 No, I will hear him. first. Ah, well, let me explain my thinking, Mr. 222 00:18:02,630 --> 00:18:04,930 I, too, am something of an impresario. 223 00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:07,310 Mr. William Bond is our star. 224 00:18:07,530 --> 00:18:12,110 I thought you'd hear all of our group first, and then, as a big finale, our 225 00:18:12,110 --> 00:18:14,190 performer. Let me explain my thinking. 226 00:18:14,490 --> 00:18:19,030 I will hear your top performer first, and then I will go home and have dinner. 227 00:18:19,270 --> 00:18:20,270 Good thing. 228 00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:34,580 Lexington Avenue Opera Club. Felix Unger presents a startling new talent. 229 00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:41,600 Born a poor but industrious sharecropper parent in a one -room cabin in 230 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:42,680 Gooseberry, Kentucky. 231 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:43,960 Born... 232 00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:53,720 Stop! That's enough. 233 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,840 You are a genius. 234 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,139 Oh. 235 00:19:58,140 --> 00:19:59,620 Do you really think so? 236 00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:05,460 Kalnikov knows a genius when he sees one. Oh, I'm so glad you agree with me. 237 00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:06,820 you, sir, you're an idiot. 238 00:20:09,380 --> 00:20:10,520 Why do you say that? 239 00:20:10,740 --> 00:20:13,240 Kalnikov knows an idiot when he sees one. 240 00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:18,240 Aren't you the great Wild Willy Bugs? 241 00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:21,180 Yes. Well, then, sir, 242 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:22,880 You're a genius. 243 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,120 You are the funniest man I ever saw. 244 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:30,160 Don't you remember me from the rodeo? You set fire to my cape. 245 00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:32,820 Was that you? 246 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,960 Who else will wear a cape in Phoenix, you crazy guy? 247 00:20:39,820 --> 00:20:44,400 What did you think of the way he played the chariot? Well, 90 guys can play the 248 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,400 same way. 249 00:20:52,590 --> 00:20:53,610 What do I do now, Oscar? 250 00:20:53,850 --> 00:20:56,770 Oh, Willie, that's your decision. Now, what is it you really want to do? 251 00:20:58,390 --> 00:21:00,110 Well, I'd like to play some more. 252 00:21:00,390 --> 00:21:01,390 Good. Good. 253 00:21:01,590 --> 00:21:02,590 Wonderful. 254 00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:06,070 Are you not proud of the rodeo? I'm in baseball. 255 00:21:06,790 --> 00:21:07,910 Are you, Hank Aaron? 256 00:21:11,050 --> 00:21:13,270 Mr. Barnes will resume with the allegretto. 257 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,840 up your audition. No, no, no, no, that's all right. I just, I don't know what 258 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,340 comes, I just have to do it my way. Of course. 259 00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:00,160 Now for me. 260 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,140 Play some Bach on the guitar. No more Bach. Will you play my favorite Mountain 261 00:22:04,140 --> 00:22:07,440 Dew? No, no, no, no. Play a nice classical thing, please. I don't want to 262 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,020 anything classical. Mountain Dew! 263 00:22:09,380 --> 00:22:10,380 Wait. 264 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,960 Could I do something for myself? 265 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:15,480 He's entitled. 266 00:24:55,759 --> 00:24:57,220 Are you happy? 267 00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,280 He finally played boxing. 21695

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