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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:19,809 --> 00:00:22,270 Oscar, you son of a gun. 2 00:00:23,470 --> 00:00:24,570 You devil. 3 00:00:25,550 --> 00:00:26,550 Congratulations. 4 00:00:26,950 --> 00:00:31,210 What is this? What are you doing? 5 00:00:31,570 --> 00:00:32,569 Never mind. 6 00:00:32,570 --> 00:00:33,529 What's this? 7 00:00:33,530 --> 00:00:37,190 What? Alex Karras will be missing from Monday Night Football for two weeks 8 00:00:37,190 --> 00:00:41,310 because of a film commitment. Among those being considered as the third man 9 00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:45,250 Howard Cosell and Frank Gifford is well -known sports columnist Oscar Madison. 10 00:00:45,510 --> 00:00:46,990 I read it. I read it. So? 11 00:00:47,790 --> 00:00:48,790 No. 12 00:00:49,210 --> 00:00:52,450 You're being considered for one of broadcasting's biggest plums. All it 13 00:00:52,450 --> 00:00:53,450 from you is a so. 14 00:00:53,630 --> 00:00:54,630 Look, what are you doing? 15 00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:58,610 I'm not even involved. I give it a whoopee. 16 00:00:58,810 --> 00:01:01,530 Well, save your whoopees, will you? It's only a one -shot. Karras is coming 17 00:01:01,530 --> 00:01:03,990 back, you know. This could lead to bigger and better things. 18 00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:06,410 College football announcing. The Olympics. 19 00:01:06,610 --> 00:01:07,610 You get to go to Moscow. 20 00:01:07,750 --> 00:01:09,170 I'm not going to get the job. 21 00:01:09,530 --> 00:01:13,490 Well, how do you know you're not going to get the job? But Howard Cosell hates 22 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:14,490 me. 23 00:01:14,850 --> 00:01:18,090 Remember what I wrote about him two weeks ago? I call him the mouth that's 24 00:01:18,090 --> 00:01:19,090 bored. 25 00:01:20,970 --> 00:01:22,350 Yeah, but who reads your column? 26 00:01:25,750 --> 00:01:29,410 Maybe somebody read it to him. When I read about this Monday thing, I called 27 00:01:29,410 --> 00:01:30,810 twice. He didn't return either call. 28 00:01:31,310 --> 00:01:33,150 I'm telling you, I think he still carries a grudge. 29 00:01:33,990 --> 00:01:35,950 He'll return my calls. Why? 30 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,510 Do you know what Howard Cotell loves more than anything else in this world? 31 00:01:40,650 --> 00:01:41,650 Himself. 32 00:01:43,610 --> 00:01:44,610 More than that. 33 00:01:44,710 --> 00:01:45,710 Who? 34 00:01:45,830 --> 00:01:47,930 Martina Arroyo, the great opera singer. 35 00:01:48,670 --> 00:01:52,290 That's right. And he's an opera buff, right? He's a bigger opera groupie than 36 00:01:52,290 --> 00:01:54,930 am. And I'm the guy who followed Joan Sutherland into a telephone booth and 37 00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:55,930 nearly suffocated. 38 00:01:57,310 --> 00:01:59,630 He's insane about Martina Arroyo. 39 00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:01,170 How's he going to help me? 40 00:02:01,430 --> 00:02:05,650 I'll introduce him to Martina Arroyo. He'll owe me a favor. You'll cash in. 41 00:02:06,010 --> 00:02:07,410 One hand washes the other. 42 00:02:07,730 --> 00:02:10,550 Well, you'd never understand much about washing, would you? Oh, but that's a 43 00:02:10,550 --> 00:02:11,329 terrific idea. 44 00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:13,170 If you set it up, I think it'll work. I mean it. 45 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,900 The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience. 46 00:03:50,460 --> 00:03:55,440 Members of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club of Central Park West, today is the 47 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,940 greatest day in our history for we being honored with the appearance of one of 48 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:03,360 the world's greatest opera singers, Miss Martina Arroyo. 49 00:04:14,860 --> 00:04:17,779 We're all dying to hear you sing, Miss Arroyo, and she will in a minute. We're 50 00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,440 awaiting the arrival of one more superstar. 51 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,100 Oh, we appreciate this so much. 52 00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:26,860 Anything for you, Felix. You're the only photographer that can make me look like 53 00:04:26,860 --> 00:04:27,860 Twiggy. 54 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:29,720 There he is! 55 00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:32,060 There he is! 56 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,140 Well... 57 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,000 How are you, Howie? 58 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,840 Don't call me Howie. 59 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:50,640 Mr. Royal. 60 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,840 For me, the culmination of a life's dream. 61 00:04:57,180 --> 00:04:58,560 Thank you, Mr. Purcell. 62 00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:03,120 At my suggestion, Mr. Royal is going to sing an aria especially for you. 63 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,760 I am overwhelmed, my dear. 64 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,680 Thank you. Sit down, guest of honor chair. 65 00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:10,300 Here we are. Oh, don't you look nice. Look how nice. 66 00:05:11,450 --> 00:05:13,830 You don't have the little ABC on your chest there. 67 00:05:15,710 --> 00:05:18,770 Congratulations, Unger. You can read ABC. 68 00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:21,270 Next week, we'll have you up to D. 69 00:05:23,230 --> 00:05:24,590 Such a kidder. 70 00:05:26,050 --> 00:05:27,050 All right, now. 71 00:05:27,450 --> 00:05:30,790 Mr. Royal will sing Tacea la Notte from Il Trovatore. 72 00:07:32,430 --> 00:07:35,430 I guess I owe you one. Yeah, well, that's sort of what we figured. 73 00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:37,710 What is it you want me to do? 74 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:42,010 It's not for me. It's for Oscar. More than anything on earth, he wants to be 75 00:07:42,010 --> 00:07:43,010 Monday Night Football. 76 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:47,150 Unger, that's out of my hands. I don't tell the network who to hire. 77 00:07:47,450 --> 00:07:49,890 Mr. Cosell, I'm quite surprised. 78 00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:54,510 A man of your great influence, and you can't do anything for Oscar? 79 00:07:55,290 --> 00:07:57,830 I don't know why Muhammad Ali talks to you. 80 00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:09,450 gone down a peg in her eyes just because you don't like Oscar. 81 00:08:09,670 --> 00:08:10,670 Are you kidding? 82 00:08:11,130 --> 00:08:14,370 I'd love to have Oscar. I think he'd be terrific. 83 00:08:15,050 --> 00:08:17,310 I thought you were mad at him. I am. 84 00:08:17,610 --> 00:08:23,890 The man has written tasteless things about me in his column, and I can't 85 00:08:23,890 --> 00:08:28,070 of a better way to get even than by having him on my show. 86 00:08:28,310 --> 00:08:29,350 I don't understand. 87 00:08:30,190 --> 00:08:33,030 Let me elude today, Dunger. You're a little slow. 88 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:43,100 It's a big hit because in addition to sing the game, the viewers love to 89 00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:48,160 hear the three of us trade insults. Yeah. Heap abuse, the one upon the 90 00:08:48,180 --> 00:08:52,660 Yeah, yeah. And with a witless boob like Madison in the booth, I'd have a 91 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:56,160 fielder. You know I'm going to do it, Miss Arroyo. 92 00:08:57,100 --> 00:09:03,800 You have convinced me, my dear. I am going to insist on using Oscar 93 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:04,800 Madison. 94 00:09:06,730 --> 00:09:09,230 Nothing of it, my dear. Thank you, Mr. Cassell. 95 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:15,710 By the way, Unger, your apartment is furnished in questionable taste. 96 00:09:17,650 --> 00:09:18,790 Oh, yes. 97 00:09:19,550 --> 00:09:25,430 Mr. Roy, I hope I have the opportunity of repaying the favor soon. Perhaps I 98 00:09:25,430 --> 00:09:27,790 shall do an aria for you. 99 00:09:28,050 --> 00:09:32,710 Goodbye, Mr. Cassell. My dear, you may call me Howie. 100 00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:48,240 No, no, Mr. Arroyo, you don't have to do that. 101 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,240 Oh, I can't even leave a room without cleaning up. 102 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,220 I'm compulsive that way. 103 00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:56,000 What a wonderful way to be. 104 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:57,760 I'll get your coat. 105 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,980 Spirit! Oh, hi. 106 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:03,280 Hi. 107 00:10:03,460 --> 00:10:04,860 You must be Oscar. 108 00:10:06,220 --> 00:10:07,220 Yeah. 109 00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:09,980 Oscar! Ah, you met Mr. Arroyo, huh? 110 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,220 Who? This is Martina Arroyo. 111 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:13,680 Oh, hi. 112 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,540 Hi. You make her clean up, too? 113 00:10:17,990 --> 00:10:19,710 She's compulsive that way. She's a neat freak. 114 00:10:20,110 --> 00:10:21,110 Yeah, I like to help. 115 00:10:21,310 --> 00:10:23,190 Well, you sure helped me. I got that job. 116 00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:25,830 You got it? Yeah, that's why I rushed home. I got a call from the network. 117 00:10:26,110 --> 00:10:28,350 See, I'm going to do one game with Costello. He's going to announce it on 118 00:10:28,350 --> 00:10:30,510 radio show. Oscar, you can't take that job. 119 00:10:30,750 --> 00:10:32,850 What? You can't take that job. Why not? 120 00:10:33,130 --> 00:10:36,790 Just believe me, you can't do it. Felix, I would kill for that job. If I'm good, 121 00:10:36,850 --> 00:10:38,110 they'll put me on Wide World of Sports. 122 00:10:38,390 --> 00:10:41,930 He wants to cut you up. He wants to expose you as a buffoon and a boob. 123 00:10:41,930 --> 00:10:42,930 are his words. 124 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:45,950 You mean he wants to give me the job so he can make a fool out of me? That's 125 00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:47,050 right, in front of 40 million people. 126 00:10:47,630 --> 00:10:50,910 I don't believe that. I'm telling you the truth. You can't take it. You better 127 00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:51,649 be prepared. 128 00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:54,190 I don't think I have to prepare. I don't think he's as big an ogre as everybody 129 00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:56,110 makes him out to be. I want to listen to him. All right. 130 00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:58,230 All right. Come on. I can take you home. 131 00:10:58,690 --> 00:10:59,750 He won't listen to me. 132 00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:04,630 He's a very, very strange man. I know. I found his shorts in the oven. 133 00:11:07,990 --> 00:11:12,570 The players won't speak to you. The alumni are after you. The college is 134 00:11:12,570 --> 00:11:14,030 considering dropping football. 135 00:11:14,430 --> 00:11:15,770 And even your children have... 136 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,000 I'll prepare a little. 137 00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:22,620 Coach Carter has just written out his resignation. 138 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,560 I told you I'd get him, and I got him. 139 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,320 I'll prepare a lot. 140 00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:37,500 Let me turn the sound down. No, no, no, no, no. 141 00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:39,020 We're going to make our own sound. 142 00:11:39,420 --> 00:11:42,280 Why? Next week is Oscar's turn to do the game, so we're going to have a 143 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,120 simulation, a real broadcast, right here. 144 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:45,740 Can I say hello to my mother? 145 00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:46,940 Yes. 146 00:11:46,980 --> 00:11:49,480 I've really been studying a lot. I've memorized the number of every football 147 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,720 player. Fine, but how will you respond to Howard Cosell's sarcasm? That's the 148 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,540 problem. With wit, I'll top him every time. Don't worry about that. Now, here 149 00:11:56,540 --> 00:11:57,540 are our microphones. 150 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,360 Can I have the egg beater? 151 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:03,420 Give him the egg. 152 00:12:07,780 --> 00:12:11,300 I'll be Howard Cosell. You'll be you. You'll be Frank Gifford. Hey, he's the 153 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:12,400 cute one. Great. 154 00:12:14,510 --> 00:12:18,730 Now, I'm going to treat you mercilessly just the way Cosell will, so respond in 155 00:12:18,730 --> 00:12:21,830 kindness. Don't hold back the venom. Let me have it. I don't want to give it to 156 00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:24,670 you. I don't want to give it to you. Now, keep your eye. We'll do the game. 157 00:12:24,670 --> 00:12:27,610 afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. 158 00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:33,550 This is Howard Cosell bringing you the thrill of victory and the agony of 159 00:12:33,550 --> 00:12:38,710 defeat. With me in the booth is my indestructible sidekick, the Gifford 160 00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:43,960 16, Frank Gifford. How does today's gridiron pairing sound? strike up with 161 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,640 Well, Howard, it's obvious these two squads came out here to play today. 162 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,520 I'm looking forward to a real Donnie Broke. 163 00:12:53,220 --> 00:12:56,780 And a big hello to Mrs. Fanny Greshler of Miami Beach. 164 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:03,340 Thank you, Dick. Also with us in the booth is a man who has been writing a 165 00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:08,680 sports column for 16 years and still hasn't learned how to get it right. 166 00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:12,020 One of America's true illiterate others. 167 00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:15,430 Same to you, Howard. 168 00:13:18,290 --> 00:13:22,210 Did you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? What a quick wit. 169 00:13:22,550 --> 00:13:23,550 Ah, shut up. 170 00:13:26,470 --> 00:13:29,130 Well, you got me that time, Matt. 171 00:13:29,610 --> 00:13:30,650 So's your old man. 172 00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:35,650 A renaissance man with a Neanderthal mind. 173 00:13:36,510 --> 00:13:38,230 Now, your mother wears army boots. 174 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:43,260 game to do. What are you doing? What is that? 175 00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:44,620 That's not wit. 176 00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:49,680 So's your old man. What is witty? What witty may say. That's what's witty. Like 177 00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:53,640 what? Emerson said, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little 178 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:57,720 And how often does hobgoblin come up during a football game when a guy misses 179 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:58,720 forward pass? 180 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,440 Delaroche Foucault said, there is something in the misfortunes of even our 181 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,980 dearest friends which is not entirely displeasing to us. 182 00:14:05,210 --> 00:14:07,970 Is that what he said? Yeah. Well, I want to get the help of a professional. Who? 183 00:14:08,090 --> 00:14:10,110 The wittiest man I know, Joey Bernie. 184 00:14:10,630 --> 00:14:12,110 Joey Bernie? Yeah. 185 00:14:12,510 --> 00:14:13,930 The nightclub comic? 186 00:14:14,150 --> 00:14:16,810 He can make jokes on anybody. You know what he said to Queen Elizabeth? 187 00:14:17,150 --> 00:14:19,190 What? Don't fall down and break your crown. 188 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:23,450 That was in Earl Wilson's column. It's one of Earl's pearls. 189 00:14:24,210 --> 00:14:26,870 I'm sorry. Emerson never made Earl's pearls. 190 00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:29,670 He's on the 30. He's on the 20. 191 00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:30,870 He's on the 10. 192 00:14:31,590 --> 00:14:36,650 Touchdown. giving Pittsburgh an early lead. By the way, aren't the cops doing 193 00:14:36,650 --> 00:14:38,930 great job of crowd control? 194 00:14:43,490 --> 00:14:46,230 I hope you're done. 195 00:14:50,470 --> 00:14:53,410 Hey, don't lose the track. My Bermuda shirt's ready. 196 00:14:55,339 --> 00:14:58,240 I gotta get out of here, Wharton. I can't eat this slop anymore. 197 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,360 Oh, I went to Havana on one of those cruisers for $49 .50. 198 00:15:04,020 --> 00:15:06,760 Asylum butler. Hello, hello. All right, okay, all right, okay. 199 00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:10,880 I came right over the minute I got your message, Oscar. 200 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,520 How do you feel? You look terrible. 201 00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:17,380 I just came back from a doctor. He told me I got the body of a 25 -year -old. I 202 00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:19,120 said, don't tell my wife. She'll make me give her back. 203 00:15:20,510 --> 00:15:22,610 What a place that's done an early disaster. 204 00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:23,929 Look at this. 205 00:15:23,930 --> 00:15:26,030 Fruit and people starving and you can starve it. 206 00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:28,450 Wax fruit, what are you expecting, wax people? 207 00:15:29,490 --> 00:15:31,850 Quick impression, Madame Ouspenskaya. 208 00:15:32,170 --> 00:15:33,590 Come on, Joey, please. 209 00:15:33,930 --> 00:15:36,630 Look, I want you to do me a favor. What, what, what? I need some insults. Put 210 00:15:36,630 --> 00:15:39,470 down. Insults? Yes. Oh, put down. Insults, insults. 211 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,960 Let me see. My wife is so ugly, I take her everywhere. 212 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,480 It's better than kissing her goodbye. 213 00:15:44,740 --> 00:15:46,660 Oh, she has long black hair. 214 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,680 Luckily, she has long gloves to cover it. 215 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:53,260 That's a goodie. I'm rolling. I know you are, but see, it's not a woman that I 216 00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:57,960 want to insult. What, a turkey? A hockey puck? A man. A chair? A table? A man. A 217 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,620 man. Oh, a man. A man. 218 00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:02,800 Hey, buddy, give me a blueprint of your brains. I'm building an idiot. 219 00:16:04,150 --> 00:16:07,490 You may be strange, but you're exceptional. You're exceptionally 220 00:16:08,290 --> 00:16:13,350 That's not so good. Oh, I got one now. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't 221 00:16:13,350 --> 00:16:14,790 have enough to blow your nose. 222 00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,750 How'd you hear that one? I just bought it. No, they're terrific. 223 00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:20,510 But look, these are for someone specific. 224 00:16:20,770 --> 00:16:23,990 Specific? Yeah, Howard Cosell. Howard, Howard, Howard Cosell? Yeah. 225 00:16:24,310 --> 00:16:27,930 Oh, Cosell, you mean the sports guy? Oh, the big guy. 226 00:16:28,150 --> 00:16:32,090 Yeah. Oh, the one with the long, plain tongue and a hi -fi head. Good. Yeah. 227 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,280 I got it. You say to him, hey, Cassell, I'd like to see evil Kamevo jump over 228 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,159 your mouth. 229 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:41,060 With your tongue and a loaf of bride bread, you could open a delicatessen. 230 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,120 Hey, Cassell, why don't one of your relatives die and leave you a little 231 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,480 You like that? Okay. 232 00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:50,600 Cassell, I got two words to describe you, tall and cheap. Good, good. Listen, 233 00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:53,340 why don't you go home, think about it, write them out. I'll write them out. See 234 00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:56,820 you in about a week. Remember the words of Alexander Graham Bell, who said to 235 00:16:56,820 --> 00:16:58,920 his wife in bed, what do you mean my three minutes are up? 236 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,160 Hey, buddy. 237 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:11,900 What do you think? You like it? 238 00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:13,420 If I'm good, they do the alterations. 239 00:17:14,740 --> 00:17:17,740 Oscar, I've been reading this material you got from Joey Bernie. You really got 240 00:17:17,740 --> 00:17:19,579 to do this stuff? Cost me 35 hours. 241 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,480 I think you'll get more laughs with the jacket. 242 00:17:23,940 --> 00:17:26,880 When you cut it out, I'm going to make minced meat out of that guy. Look how 243 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,940 smug he is in there. I'm going to tear him apart. 244 00:17:29,990 --> 00:17:31,830 With typewritten insults, you're going to tear him apart? 245 00:17:32,070 --> 00:17:35,010 Felix, this is my big chance. You see that guy in there? That's Moon Arledge. 246 00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:36,410 He's head of the whole sports department. 247 00:17:36,710 --> 00:17:39,910 He's going to be watching me. Now, look, Howard, I know you don't like Madison, 248 00:17:40,070 --> 00:17:43,450 but give the guy a chance, will you? If he's any good at all, we'll have him 249 00:17:43,450 --> 00:17:45,410 back and really let him have it next week. 250 00:17:46,550 --> 00:17:47,550 Okay, room. 251 00:17:47,670 --> 00:17:51,630 As a matter of fact, I think you're right. I'll give him every courtesy and 252 00:17:51,630 --> 00:17:52,630 consideration. 253 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:58,020 Besides, I'm kind of curious to see how he'll do. You know, he's really not a 254 00:17:58,020 --> 00:17:58,899 bad sort. 255 00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:01,300 No, I think you'll like him. Get ready, will you? We have three seconds to go. 256 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,200 They're rolling the open. Good luck and be great. 257 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,780 Hello again, everyone. This is Howard Dosell. We're awaiting the start of a 258 00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:15,500 preseason flat between Paul Brown's unbeaten Cincinnati Bengals and a 259 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,720 New York Jets football team. 260 00:18:18,190 --> 00:18:23,310 Normally, old number 16, the Gipper, Frank Gifford, would be my sidekick 261 00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:28,110 tonight, but the Gipper has been sidelined, clipped by the flu bug. 262 00:18:28,330 --> 00:18:34,230 It's my pleasure to say, however, that we have the pleasure of bringing in a 263 00:18:34,230 --> 00:18:39,930 voice in the sportscasting horizon tonight, the winner of many journalism 264 00:18:39,930 --> 00:18:45,390 and... I think perhaps the most knowledgeable and responsible sports 265 00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:46,610 of them all, Mr. 266 00:18:46,910 --> 00:18:48,170 Oscar Mattis. 267 00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:50,030 Thanks, Needlenose. 268 00:18:53,890 --> 00:18:57,790 Listen, Howard, is that a new jacket you've got on there, or did you just 269 00:18:57,790 --> 00:18:58,790 the old one repainted? 270 00:19:04,390 --> 00:19:09,840 Oscar, as an acknowledged expert on professional football, How do you see 271 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:10,840 tonight's game? 272 00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:14,180 A lot better than you do without your glasses, four eyes. 273 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,480 You know, Howard, I never miss your radio show. I never hear it, so I never 274 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,260 it. Yes, sir, Howard, you've got a great voice. 275 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:24,520 It grates on everyone. 276 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:30,680 Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be back for the opening kickoff in just one moment. 277 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:34,980 That was just a warning. No, no, no. I'm going to kill this show. Isn't that 278 00:19:34,980 --> 00:19:35,980 terrific? 279 00:19:36,390 --> 00:19:37,390 What are you doing? 280 00:19:38,430 --> 00:19:40,050 Aren't you listening to the man? Why? 281 00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:42,670 He's done nothing but say nice things to you. He's a pussycat. 282 00:19:43,710 --> 00:19:46,930 It was nice, wasn't it? Well, of course. And there you are insulting him. I 283 00:19:46,930 --> 00:19:49,490 wasn't listening. I was paying attention to this. You're joking. 284 00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:50,950 I'm up. 285 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:54,190 The man was so nice to you. You know what you just did? Well, the first time 286 00:19:54,190 --> 00:19:57,330 broadcasting history, you've got an audience rooting for Howard Cosell. 287 00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:04,260 Well, Rune, did you hear it? I tried to be nice, and what I got was a cut -rate, 288 00:20:04,340 --> 00:20:10,360 lower -case Don Rickles. The man is obviously an insensitive dole. Yes, I 289 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:11,219 it, and you're right. 290 00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:14,620 I thought you handled it beautifully. I thought you acted like a prince. As far 291 00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:18,340 as I'm concerned, Howard, whatever you do from now on is up to you. 292 00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:20,860 Handle it the way you want it. You got it. 293 00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:25,450 All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's Horst Muehlmann of the Cincinnati 294 00:20:25,450 --> 00:20:31,070 Bengals teeing up the ball for the kickoff. And I must say, Muehlmann has 295 00:20:31,070 --> 00:20:34,090 an interesting story behind him, doesn't he, Oscar? 296 00:20:34,370 --> 00:20:35,329 That's right, Howard. 297 00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:36,089 That's right. 298 00:20:36,090 --> 00:20:39,210 Muehlmann is just one of the many fine soccer -style kickers we've got from 299 00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:43,870 Europe. Didn't you once write in a column that the soccer -style kickers 300 00:20:43,870 --> 00:20:46,050 never make it in the NFL, Madison? 301 00:20:46,990 --> 00:20:51,250 Well, that was about five years ago. Of course, 20 -20 hindsight. 302 00:20:51,490 --> 00:20:55,690 Number 12, Joe Namath, quarterback for the New York Jets. Out on the field now, 303 00:20:55,750 --> 00:20:56,750 ready to move his team. 304 00:20:57,970 --> 00:21:02,450 Namath has just thrown a 19 -yard pass down the middle. What's your view of 305 00:21:02,450 --> 00:21:03,510 Namath this year, Madison? 306 00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:06,770 Pretty good, Howard, pretty good. That knee doesn't seem to be giving him that 307 00:21:06,770 --> 00:21:07,669 much trouble, huh? 308 00:21:07,670 --> 00:21:12,430 Don't you remember that great exclusive of yours just one year ago announcing 309 00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:14,770 Joe Willie's retirement from football? 310 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:17,920 Changed his mind. 311 00:21:18,420 --> 00:21:23,740 Never mind. A jet lineman apparently injured on the play. 312 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,460 That was a great pass against a terrific Bengal defense. 313 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,720 How do you know it's a terrific defense? 314 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,660 They play a great seven -man zone. 315 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,160 Who told you about it? Nobody. I know all about zones. 316 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,640 Why do you think I'm betting $100 and laying seven points on the Bengal? I 317 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:39,640 believe I should have. 318 00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:43,320 Betting $100. 319 00:21:43,980 --> 00:21:47,280 and giving seven points on the bench. 320 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:54,460 You heard it here, ladies and gentlemen, a bare -faced admission of professional 321 00:21:54,460 --> 00:22:00,720 football wagering. I suspect, Madison, that the commissioner of the NFL, 322 00:22:01,060 --> 00:22:05,060 Alvin P. Roselle, is awaiting your explanation. 323 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:09,640 Well, you see, I was in his car. Say something. 324 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,930 Well, I was in his car. I wish some relative of yours would die in... leave 325 00:22:13,930 --> 00:22:14,930 some wax fruit. 326 00:22:18,830 --> 00:22:22,030 I'd like to see Evil Knievel jump over your Bermuda shorts. 327 00:22:22,410 --> 00:22:24,590 You know your Lautrec is too loose? 328 00:22:25,830 --> 00:22:30,950 After this commercial, one of us will be back. Let's put up a minute spot on 329 00:22:30,950 --> 00:22:31,950 mental health. 330 00:22:38,150 --> 00:22:40,770 And here's where you are, Howard, in tomorrow's column. 331 00:22:41,750 --> 00:22:46,390 His insults and barbs are just a small part of the big man, a man whose style 332 00:22:46,390 --> 00:22:47,389 totally unique. 333 00:22:47,390 --> 00:22:51,350 Howard Cosell has the attention of 40 million Americans every Monday night. 334 00:22:51,550 --> 00:22:52,950 What are you trying to do, Madison? 335 00:22:53,250 --> 00:22:55,010 Ruin my image? If possible. 336 00:22:55,370 --> 00:22:58,370 Listen, I want to thank you for really copping out for me on the air. 337 00:22:58,810 --> 00:23:02,750 Don't mention it. I knew you were nervous. I can understand it. After all, 338 00:23:02,750 --> 00:23:03,750 were sitting next to me. 29424

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