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00:00:01,999 --> 00:00:08,020
Pick up your jacket, clean up your room,
eat your broccoli, wash your hands, not
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00:00:08,020 --> 00:00:09,680
in the kitchen, do it in the bathroom.
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00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:11,320
Where'd you get the picture?
4
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:12,619
Don't you remember?
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00:00:12,620 --> 00:00:14,240
He gave it to me when I let him move in
with me.
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00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:16,640
Can I have a shot?
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00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,040
Yeah, aim for his sinuses.
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Oh, I got his chin.
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Oh, by the way, here are your tickets.
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00:00:24,340 --> 00:00:25,159
Tickets to what?
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Theater tickets.
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00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:28,900
The boss said the off -Broadway critic
is ill.
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For something to get well caught.
14
00:00:30,540 --> 00:00:32,600
No, you have to cover the opening of the
new play tonight.
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00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:36,800
Oh, I'm a sports writer. I'm not a
theater critic. Tell him I'm not going
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00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,980
it. You tell him. You're my secretary.
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It's his paper.
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It has to be in by midnight.
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Midnight. And he says you better give it
your best shot.
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00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:48,700
What does he think, I can't do it? I'll
write a review. I'll knock his socks
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00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:51,440
off. Like you did when you reviewed the
flower show?
22
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:52,720
What was the matter with that?
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00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:54,160
They smell good.
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00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:56,960
Well, they did.
25
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:06,720
I never saw a mockingbird that laughed
at a painted dog.
26
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A musical fable by Bryce Longfellow.
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I can't even understand the ticket.
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It's all I need, more aggravation.
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I'll write a bad review and then he'll
fire me.
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I'm gonna find a sucker that I can con
into doing this for me.
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The odd couple was filmed in front of a
live audience.
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You know, Phoenix, I was looking fondly
at that thank you picture you gave me,
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and I thought, all the things you do for
me, you cook for me, you clean for me,
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all I do is complain and make trouble
for you. I'm not going to do it anymore.
35
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I'm going to appreciate it from now on.
36
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I don't know what to say.
37
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You big galoot.
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Don't say anything.
39
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Just let me sit here and hate myself.
40
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I'm going to stop making up right now.
Look, I got tickets for us for the
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00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:31,210
theater tonight. Oh, I can't go.
42
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Why not?
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I got a date with Miriam tonight.
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Where are you going? You know us. We're
the now generation. We don't make plans.
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We go, baby. We swing.
46
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Well, she's leaving tickets for an
opening tonight.
47
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Yeah, well, as I said, I got a date. I
can't go.
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Hey. Why don't you take Miriam with you?
Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't. Let me do
49
00:03:51,090 --> 00:03:53,510
it for you. Then I won't hate myself so
much. Please, buddy.
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I'm so ashamed. You're a real person.
You know that?
51
00:04:03,270 --> 00:04:07,170
I want you to enjoy yourself and look at
everything very closely. I want to
52
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share it with you. I'll tell you all
about it when I get home. And make sure
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come home before midnight. Why?
54
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Well, it's very dangerous out there
after midnight. I worry about you.
55
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You're a pussycat, you know that?
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Hey, hi there. Call Miriam and tell her.
Okay.
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00:04:27,830 --> 00:04:29,030
Eat your broccoli. Yes.
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You spilled something on your tongue.
59
00:04:32,650 --> 00:04:34,250
Use your napkin.
60
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Eat your dinner. It's going to get cold.
61
00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:55,260
11 .30, where have you been?
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In the theater.
63
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,640
The show broke two hours ago.
64
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So, we went out for a bite to eat.
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00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:07,020
Who said you could go out for a bite to
eat?
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00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,780
Just told you you couldn't go to the
theater. What's wrong with you?
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00:05:10,580 --> 00:05:11,900
I paid for the food.
68
00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:14,800
Listen, how'd you like to play?
69
00:05:15,740 --> 00:05:16,740
What do you mean?
70
00:05:24,430 --> 00:05:26,690
It's a quarter to twelve, and I want to
talk here.
71
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:27,910
Well, come in.
72
00:05:29,010 --> 00:05:30,270
Do you think it's fair?
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Hmm? A man spends years writing a
musical fable, and you go... I mean,
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think you ought to embellish it?
Shouldn't you have more respect for the
75
00:05:38,750 --> 00:05:39,870
Respect for the artist? Yeah.
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00:05:40,190 --> 00:05:43,330
Last time I took you to the theater, you
went... to Helen Hayes.
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Well, a man can change. I love her now.
I want to get some culture. Will you
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00:05:48,010 --> 00:05:52,850
tell me about it? Well, I thought the
part of the alcoholic nephew... Yeah?
79
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,780
It's very well portrayed by Werner...
Werner who?
80
00:05:56,740 --> 00:05:57,740
Werner Klemperer.
81
00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,200
Werner Monroe.
82
00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:00,739
Werner who?
83
00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:01,740
Werner Smith.
84
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:02,820
Werner Smith?
85
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,100
All right, now the drugstore's closed.
86
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,460
I want to know all about the play, and I
want you to sum it up in one paragraph,
87
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:10,099
and fast.
88
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,100
One paragraph? Yes.
89
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,160
Well, it's like Oklahoma.
90
00:06:13,950 --> 00:06:17,070
Only it uses symbolism to tell the story
of American growth.
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00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:21,910
Oklahoma symbolism. I particularly like
the use of six dwarfs to represent New
92
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Jersey, all the cities. Six dwarfs in
New Jersey. I thought that was very
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00:06:24,850 --> 00:06:27,110
clever. Trenton got two standing
ovations.
94
00:06:27,870 --> 00:06:31,790
Trenton, six dwarfs in New Jersey and
Oklahoma. The scenery was... Was what?
95
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what? What was it?
96
00:06:34,659 --> 00:06:38,900
Striking. Striking theme. Striking
theme. The lyrics were saucy. Saucy
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Saucy lyrics. And I thought the acting
had both verve and panache. Thank you
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very much.
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00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:47,640
Good night, fella.
100
00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:50,059
Coming, Des.
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00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:51,520
Yeah, hi, Frank. This is Oscar.
102
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Yeah, I just got back from the show.
103
00:06:53,740 --> 00:06:55,660
Well, I stopped to have a bite to eat.
104
00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:57,740
Okay, here it comes.
105
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Oklahoma moves.
106
00:07:01,410 --> 00:07:05,170
Saucy lyrics flowed from Bryce
Longfellow's pen in what may prove to be
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00:07:05,170 --> 00:07:09,970
surprise hit of the season. The acting
had verve and panache.
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Panache.
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00:07:13,050 --> 00:07:14,050
What are you doing?
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Just reading a theater review.
111
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You've already read it eight times.
112
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I know, I love it.
113
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It's so well written.
114
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I know.
115
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want to talk about it i said i could do
it i proved i could so i don't want to
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talk about it let's drop it okay mr
madison's office yes sir
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it's the boss yes mr williams well thank
you very much sir
118
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:49,760
well i'm glad you yes i'm very glad yeah
but
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yeah but
120
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:02,160
Whatever pleases you, sir.
121
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:03,880
Thank you.
122
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,280
Do you love it?
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So much. I'm going to be doing it for
the next three weeks until the regular
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critic gets back.
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Oh, boy, am I proud.
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A theater critic.
127
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,100
Now I can hold my head up high at the
water cooler.
128
00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:21,220
What's the matter? Up to now you were
ashamed of me?
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by to take you to lunch. You too,
Werner.
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00:08:41,110 --> 00:08:43,909
Great. Well, I wanted to thank you for
those wonderful theater tickets last
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00:08:43,909 --> 00:08:44,910
night. Oh, well, don't mention it.
132
00:08:45,130 --> 00:08:46,750
Did you go to the play with Miss Dan?
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Yeah, well, he didn't go. I took Miriam.
134
00:08:49,550 --> 00:08:51,370
Boy, am I hungry. Let's go, huh?
135
00:08:51,570 --> 00:08:55,250
He didn't go to the theater? No, well, I
think he's sorry because he asked me a
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00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:57,630
million questions about it. Was he
interested?
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I just remembered we have a lot of work
to do.
138
00:09:00,910 --> 00:09:03,750
You just said you're hungry. Well, I am
hungry, so why don't you go down to
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00:09:03,750 --> 00:09:06,590
Kelly's? You order for us, okay? And
then we'll be down just in time.
140
00:09:06,870 --> 00:09:07,990
Are you mad at me? No!
141
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,120
Somebody's mad at me.
142
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:17,580
What are you
143
00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:20,660
looking at?
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00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:23,980
Feet of clay.
145
00:09:25,660 --> 00:09:27,080
Feet of clay.
146
00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:30,340
Leave me alone. I was death grip.
147
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,600
What are you going to do? Keep sending
Miss Donger to the theater for you? Why
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00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,840
not? He loves it. It's dishonest.
149
00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:38,360
Why don't you tell him the truth? Ask
him to help.
150
00:09:38,580 --> 00:09:42,270
Are you crazy? and get one of Felix's
famous three -hour lectures?
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00:09:43,070 --> 00:09:45,330
Pride goeth before a fall.
152
00:09:45,930 --> 00:09:48,770
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
153
00:09:49,070 --> 00:09:53,430
And then for his big finish, now I know
your true colors, Oscar.
154
00:09:53,690 --> 00:09:55,350
And then he ends up not doing it anyway.
155
00:09:55,810 --> 00:09:57,690
No, sir, this is going to be our little
secret now.
156
00:09:58,430 --> 00:09:59,750
Okay. Okay.
157
00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:03,530
You know, Miss Dem, I've been typing up
your column for five years, and that's
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00:10:03,530 --> 00:10:04,730
the best thing you've ever written?
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00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:34,640
your theater tickets for the season.
Say, I, um, I'm not so sure I want to go
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the theater tonight.
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00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,920
What are you talking about? You love the
theater. Yeah, but every night for two
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00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,060
weeks in a row. It's only for one more
week, that's all.
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00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:43,680
How come?
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00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,540
Well, you know the guy who's been giving
us the tickets?
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00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,240
Yeah. He's dying.
166
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:53,680
Who knows how many more openings you're
going to be invited to, you know what I
167
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,460
mean? Yeah, I guess you're right.
168
00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:57,369
Yeah, I...
169
00:10:57,370 --> 00:11:00,530
I have seen some good shows, though. Oh,
you sure have. Like that one that
170
00:11:00,530 --> 00:11:01,530
opened Wednesday night.
171
00:11:01,650 --> 00:11:03,930
The musical version of the Lewis
Schmeling fight.
172
00:11:05,070 --> 00:11:06,170
It was really good.
173
00:11:06,510 --> 00:11:07,610
I thought you hated that.
174
00:11:07,910 --> 00:11:11,230
Well, I've been thinking it over. There
was one song in there that I liked a
175
00:11:11,230 --> 00:11:12,610
lot. My Glass Jaw.
176
00:11:13,990 --> 00:11:16,710
It was really good. I liked it. Too bad
the show closed.
177
00:11:16,970 --> 00:11:19,630
Well, what's the matter with you? You
liked it? Why didn't you say so?
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00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:22,150
I'm saying so. No one asked you
something.
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00:11:22,810 --> 00:11:24,250
Who is your off -Broadway critic?
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00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:26,750
This column is never signed.
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00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:28,680
Well, he doesn't like publicity.
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He's a shy... Well, he shouldn't be. He
is... This man is... Remember last
183
00:11:35,740 --> 00:11:38,620
night when I came home, you asked me
what I thought. I said that I thought
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00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:39,499
show was pathetic.
185
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:42,140
I called it stale, flat, and
unprofitable. Listen to this.
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00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,820
Last night's effort was regrettably
pathetic. To me, it was stale, flat, and
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00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:47,820
unprofitable.
188
00:11:48,740 --> 00:11:54,200
A very perfected... Yeah, well, you like
him because he agrees with you. That's
189
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,900
all. Well, that's good enough, isn't it?
Yeah, well...
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00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:59,290
I'm going to go save, okay? You need
your answer. Oh, yeah. Listen, I'll make
191
00:11:59,290 --> 00:12:00,810
sandwich. I'll eat it now. What are you
doing?
192
00:12:01,190 --> 00:12:04,090
Not when you live that way.
193
00:12:08,590 --> 00:12:09,590
Hello?
194
00:12:10,670 --> 00:12:12,970
No, I'm sorry. Oscar's busy right now.
Could I take a message?
195
00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:16,290
You want his review in by 11 .15
tonight.
196
00:12:17,190 --> 00:12:18,190
All right.
197
00:12:58,060 --> 00:12:59,060
Had a phone call.
198
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,359
Take a message?
199
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:01,159
Yeah, yeah.
200
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,160
Who was it?
201
00:13:02,340 --> 00:13:03,199
Your editor.
202
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,500
Ah! Hey,
203
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,240
cut yourself, huh?
204
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:09,640
What do you want?
205
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,120
A little change in plan.
206
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,560
Huh? He wants your review in by 11 .15
tonight.
207
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:18,200
You want to hear a funny story that
happened to the newspaper too? I know
208
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,200
happened!
209
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:23,060
I thought you could make some extra
money by conning your roomie into doing
210
00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:26,320
reviews for you. Money had nothing to do
with it. Oh, Felix, you're not getting
211
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,480
extra money for this? Yeah, I'm getting
a little bit. No, see, the editor asked
212
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,980
me to do it. Then it became a challenge.
I had to say face with the paper.
213
00:13:32,580 --> 00:13:37,480
Oh, Oscar, pride goeth before a fortune.
214
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,740
Here comes the lecture.
215
00:13:39,940 --> 00:13:43,780
Felix, I was only supposed to do it
once. But my first review was so good...
216
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,619
wait, excuse me.
217
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:47,800
Your first review? Okay, your first
review. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they asked
218
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,940
to do it three times for three weeks.
219
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,280
Well, how could I say no?
220
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:56,820
Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Will
you cut it out? It wasn't easy for me.
221
00:13:56,980 --> 00:13:59,860
Trying to make coherent paragraphs out
of your opinions. Excuse me.
222
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,340
My opinions are incoherent? That's
right.
223
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,860
This from a man who leaves a sandwich on
the soap?
224
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:08,300
It's a clean place, isn't it? You used
me, Oscar.
225
00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:11,880
You picked my brain. Oh, now.
226
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,160
your true colors.
227
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,000
Okay, now you had your big finish.
228
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,200
Oscar, why didn't you come to me and
tell me the truth?
229
00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:21,600
Would you have done it if I did?
230
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:24,800
No, I would not. That's why I gave you
another look at my true colors.
231
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,460
So you gave your roommate that hokey
story about doing him a favor, huh?
232
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,260
Well, stop the gravy train.
233
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,220
Here's where little Felix gets off.
234
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,840
From now on, you can sling your own
hatch, starting tonight.
235
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,480
I review this thing by myself.
236
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,740
A revival.
237
00:14:51,180 --> 00:14:56,680
Homulus the Mute by Gene Annullo.
238
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,820
Now I can't even pronounce the ticket.
239
00:15:16,620 --> 00:15:19,260
Why don't you just go to the opening
tonight like all the other reviewers?
240
00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:22,660
Why does it have to be Homulus the Mute?
241
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:24,800
Why couldn't it be damn Yankees?
242
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,060
All right, Felix. Come on, let's put our
cards on the table. How much money you
243
00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:30,060
want to write this review?
244
00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:33,280
Oh, boy, are you crude.
245
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,720
Okay, I'm crude. I'm desperate, so I'm
crude. I don't want to be laughed off
246
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,400
paper. Top toenails.
247
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,720
Okay, I'm beaten. I'm beaten right now.
248
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,320
I'll call the paper. I'll confess
everything. Knock it off. Yeah, six or
249
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,700
years, maybe I'll be able to live it
down.
250
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,840
But I'll tell you one thing that I
really regret.
251
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:53,600
The paper not getting your reviews.
Nobody gives reviews like you, Felix.
252
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,220
Tell it to the Marines.
253
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,460
You should see the fuss they made over
every one of your reviews. Get in it,
254
00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:03,500
please. Yeah, the publisher himself
called me to congratulate me. He said
255
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:06,240
reviews reminded him of George Gene
Nathan.
256
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:10,440
That's very interesting. I patterned my
style after George Gene Nathan.
257
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,280
I don't want to see you lose that power.
Yeah.
258
00:16:14,570 --> 00:16:15,570
Hang on a minute.
259
00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:16,910
What power?
260
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,430
Oh, come on, Felix.
261
00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:22,470
Surely you know now that your word is
law that you are now a tastemaker?
262
00:16:23,510 --> 00:16:24,770
I'm a tastemaker.
263
00:16:25,290 --> 00:16:27,230
You have the power of life and death.
264
00:16:27,950 --> 00:16:29,230
Well, that's terrible.
265
00:16:29,690 --> 00:16:30,690
Why?
266
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:34,590
That show that opened Wednesday that I
didn't like until Saturday, it closed
267
00:16:34,590 --> 00:16:35,590
Thursday.
268
00:16:35,850 --> 00:16:39,410
I put 37 actors out of work. Yeah, but
you did it so beautifully.
269
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:43,700
What about the show you reviewed two
weeks ago, 100 actors?
270
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,740
That's still running because of your
review.
271
00:16:45,940 --> 00:16:50,060
Yeah? Sure. That's what, 37 actors from
100? You're 63 actors ahead.
272
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,760
They even put your review up in life.
Bright and Bouncy, New York Herald.
273
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:55,880
Really? Sure.
274
00:16:55,940 --> 00:16:58,360
That's my Bright and Bouncy? Of course
it is.
275
00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:01,640
But that's not very ethical, is it?
276
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,620
Isn't that defrauding the public?
277
00:17:03,860 --> 00:17:05,400
Well, see, that'll be our little secret.
278
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:08,500
What do you say? Come on, Mr. First
Nighter.
279
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:12,329
Oh, you know me. I'm a sucker for art.
280
00:17:13,990 --> 00:17:15,869
All the world's a stage.
281
00:17:17,050 --> 00:17:19,630
And all the men and women merely
players.
282
00:17:20,690 --> 00:17:22,170
And I can put them all out of work.
283
00:17:26,109 --> 00:17:29,230
Ah, you were the last one to come out of
the room. You did it for me.
284
00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:31,370
Forget it. I had to go to the bathroom.
Tell me about the play.
285
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:36,450
Well, it's essentially a... Oh, one
what? One what?
286
00:17:36,730 --> 00:17:37,730
Look.
287
00:17:39,340 --> 00:17:40,360
It's Doc Simon.
288
00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:45,560
Neil Simon, the playwright. Oh, Doc
Simon. Oh, that's me, Simon. Neil Simon,
289
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,480
playwright. Doc Simon, everyone who
knows anything about me calls him Doc
290
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:51,580
On the ground, just hang on.
291
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,880
Let me hang it right on here. Just one.
292
00:17:54,380 --> 00:17:55,740
Shh. You know, I'm right there.
293
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,180
What's going on in here?
294
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:01,160
Thank you. Thank you.
295
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:05,620
Oh, you've got my pen. You've got my
pen. It's on the bed of the play. Don't
296
00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:06,620
tell me about the play.
297
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:07,740
That's Doc Simon.
298
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:11,760
What are you doing here?
299
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,760
I'm writing some Sunday articles on
theater.
300
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,560
That way, after the regular guy comes
back, you and I will still be in the
301
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,360
paper. Your reviewing days are over.
Why? What's that?
302
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,600
Why?
303
00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:26,200
The paper wants me to appear on
television as their representative on a
304
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,340
discussion about theater.
305
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:28,820
That's a great idea.
306
00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:31,840
Are you crazy? I can't go on there. I'll
make a jackass of myself.
307
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:33,420
That's right, you would.
308
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:36,760
I'll go on for you.
309
00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:40,940
How good would that do? Remember, my
editor knows what I look like. I just
310
00:18:40,940 --> 00:18:45,020
to call the paper and tell everybody the
truth. What a rotten break. Just when I
311
00:18:45,020 --> 00:18:46,020
was getting hot.
312
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,380
Look who's upset. I'm going to be the
laughingstock of the whole paper
313
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,400
No more opening night.
314
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,960
No more bright sound.
315
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,140
Who would have thought my song would
end?
316
00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:57,580
Cut it out.
317
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:04,140
Light bulb.
318
00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:05,380
You got an idea?
319
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,520
What is it?
320
00:19:06,620 --> 00:19:11,760
Are you desperate enough to go along
with the stupidest, worst, silliest idea
321
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:12,439
ever had?
322
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:13,440
Do I have to wear a dress?
323
00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:15,940
No. Then I'll do it.
324
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:21,320
Good evening. My name's John Barber.
Welcome to this week's edition of Speak
325
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:25,360
Out. Tonight's topic, theater in
America, where it's been and where it's
326
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:28,700
We have with us this evening some of the
most widely read critics in the
327
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:32,540
country. They are, in my immediate right
from New York Magazine, John Simon.
328
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:36,640
To John's right, the nationally
syndicated critic from NEA, who also
329
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:40,840
doubles as an actress, Joan Crosby. And
to John's right, from the Los Angeles
330
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,220
Times, the astute theater critic, Dan
Sullivan.
331
00:19:43,460 --> 00:19:46,740
To my immediate left, from the New York
Herald, Oscar Madison.
332
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,340
And to Mr. Madison's left is his
dentist.
333
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,460
Dr. Felix Unger.
334
00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:03,240
Uh, Doctor, if I understood you
correctly backstage, you said this
335
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,640
had to remove all of Mr. Madison's back
teeth?
336
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:07,100
That's right, John.
337
00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:11,760
Mr. Madison can only mumble, but trooper
that he is, he insists on being here,
338
00:20:11,820 --> 00:20:15,260
so he will mumble his insights to me and
I will pass them along to Mr.
339
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,960
and Mrs. Front Porch. Oh, thank you
both, Doctor.
340
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:22,200
I would like to begin with, uh, John
Simon. Ah!
341
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:27,340
Uh, John... Where would you say...
342
00:20:27,870 --> 00:20:31,550
theater stands today in relation to the
rest of the media?
343
00:20:31,790 --> 00:20:36,350
Well, there's no doubt in my mind that
for most American people today, theater
344
00:20:36,350 --> 00:20:38,630
has been completely superseded by film.
345
00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:43,870
How can you say a thing like that?
346
00:20:44,130 --> 00:20:47,370
Nothing will ever replace theater, as
Mr. Madison says.
347
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:51,310
The immediacy, the enlightenment of
theater, people will come back to that.
348
00:20:51,510 --> 00:20:54,730
Well, true, but I think today's audience
finds more of that immediacy in
349
00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:55,790
television. Television?
350
00:20:56,310 --> 00:21:00,450
How can you compare theater, how can you
compare Gomer Pyle with Olivier?
351
00:21:00,850 --> 00:21:03,850
Pardon me, we have to take a brief break
right now for our first commercial.
352
00:21:04,050 --> 00:21:05,050
We'll be right back.
353
00:21:06,350 --> 00:21:08,670
Come back, we think we could hear some
of your...
354
00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:18,780
I'm wiping up the floor with those.
Felix, what's the matter with you? It's
355
00:21:18,780 --> 00:21:21,600
supposed to look like I'm the one that's
doing the thinking. I'm going to.
356
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,620
These squares don't know what they're
talking about. Felix, if you say one
357
00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:28,560
word that doesn't look like it's coming
from my mouth, I'm going to remove all
358
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:29,560
of your back teeth.
359
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:30,700
Five seconds.
360
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:34,320
On the air.
361
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:38,360
Welcome back to Speak Out. Joan, what
would you say is one of the most
362
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,400
significant developments in recent
modern theater?
363
00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:48,520
Well, for one, I think seeing Brando in
Streetcar revolutionized... How could
364
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:49,780
you say a thing like that?
365
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:54,840
Theater is not revolutionary, my dear
John. Theater is evolutionary.
366
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:56,180
Brilliant point.
367
00:21:56,460 --> 00:22:01,860
Yes, but a great event like Streetcar...
That's your idea of a great event? Yes,
368
00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:04,820
yes, it is. You probably went over his
body. Well, what do you expect? You give
369
00:22:04,820 --> 00:22:06,780
a woman a column? That's what's going to
happen. Mr.
370
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:08,300
Madison.
371
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:14,800
the rudest, most backward man I have
ever met. If you will forgive me,
372
00:22:14,860 --> 00:22:15,860
gentlemen.
373
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,920
If you can't stand the heat, stay out of
the kitchen.
374
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:28,060
Look, Mr. Madison, do we have to drag
personalities into this? He's right. I
375
00:22:28,060 --> 00:22:30,740
came here to talk about the theater.
Theater?
376
00:22:31,580 --> 00:22:34,000
You call what you've got in Los Angeles
theater?
377
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:38,220
Yes, I call that theater. It's good
theater. I cover it, and I'm proud of
378
00:22:38,220 --> 00:22:43,640
think I'm going to join Miss Crosby. Of
course, of course. Thank you. Mr.
379
00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:47,180
Madison, I'm not surprised to find your
perfect boorish clog.
380
00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:51,460
I've read most of your reviews and have
found them virtually without any value
381
00:22:51,460 --> 00:22:52,460
whatever.
382
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,220
Mr. Madison would like to meet Bob.
383
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,840
He says your mother wears combat boots.
384
00:23:04,110 --> 00:23:07,150
Oh, John, there's no point in going on
with this.
385
00:23:08,330 --> 00:23:12,970
Mr. Madison, you've succeeded in
insulting three of the most respected
386
00:23:12,970 --> 00:23:13,970
in this country.
387
00:23:14,470 --> 00:23:17,590
Hopefully, after this brief word, we'll
see if we can get them to return.
388
00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:21,610
Well, what do you think, huh?
389
00:23:22,230 --> 00:23:23,970
I wish I'd worn the dress.
390
00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:35,860
Did you talk to your editor?
391
00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:37,500
Yeah, I called my editor.
392
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,460
Yeah? Is he mad at you?
393
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:40,720
Sure he's mad at me.
394
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:42,780
Uh -oh. He saw the show last night.
395
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,920
And I apologize, he's not going to fire
me. Oh.
396
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,800
I'm glad you did the right thing.
397
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:55,000
I realize I may have gone a little bit
too far. I may have said one or two
398
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,760
things that possibly could be
misinterpreted. May have?
399
00:23:58,180 --> 00:23:59,180
Possibly?
400
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:05,360
heat get out of the kitchen. That could
be taken two ways. Anyway, I'm trying to
401
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:08,500
do the right thing. I've written letters
of apology to Mr. Simon, Mr. Sullivan,
402
00:24:08,620 --> 00:24:15,120
Mr. Barber, and Mr. Crosby. I think one
more apology is due.
403
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,440
What's that?
404
00:24:17,460 --> 00:24:18,520
One from you to me.
405
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:20,940
Of course, Dr.
406
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:22,360
Unger.
407
00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:27,420
It seems to me that when one is due to
the defeat, the chicanery, The
408
00:24:27,420 --> 00:24:31,780
underhandedness that you used in
tricking me into this entire fandango
409
00:24:31,780 --> 00:24:32,780
apology is due.
410
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:37,000
Now, right, maybe you're right. I owe
you an apology. I thought you might feel
411
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,100
that way, so I wrote it up.
412
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,820
You wrote a note of apology for me to
sign?
413
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,120
Yes.
414
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:46,280
I
415
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:53,120
accept
416
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:54,120
your remark.
34328
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