All language subtitles for the_odd_couple_s05e11

Wipe your feet.

Close the door.

What's all the excitement?

You don't have your radio on. Who's your
radio?

No, that's a humidor that looks like the
radio.

Football is the radio.

I forgot it for being an usher at Dick
Butkuth's wedding.

He'll be back in a minute.

Oscar's got his own radio show.

Yeah. You know, I was cruising around my
police car. You know, nothing to do. So

I thought I'd listen to some police
calls for a while. But they're boring.

So I changed stations.

There was Oscar, his own show.

That's a talented guy.

But why didn't he tell me?

Gee, I could have gone down there. I'd
have cleaned off his desk. I'd have

off the mic.

I've told him exactly what to do every
single second he was on the air. I'd

never have left his side. Why didn't he
tell me?

Are you hurt, Felix?

No.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a
live audience.

Oh, Belter's running time. Could I use
one?

Where's mine?

In a pulled -up pan in the icebox, I'm
sure.

Uh -huh.

Rough day?

Okay, like any other day, just a regular
day.

What did you do this regular day?

I covered the Yankee game. I wrote my
column. Did your radio show? Did my

show. Oh, boy. No wonder we're having
cocktails for one.

Well, I was hoping I could keep it from
you for more than one day. Why do you

want to keep it from me?

The whole city listening in. I'm sitting
here with a football on.

Because you're a Budinsky, and this is a
very important opportunity for me. I

would love to have a radio show of my
own.

They're trying all new formats down
there. The Pillow's two hours.

They tried political discussions and
gardening. Now they're trying a sports

show. I know you'd want to butt in, even
though you don't know anything about

sports. But I know everything about
radio. You do? Of course. Of course I

Radio's in my blood, mister.

In college, I managed the radio station
for three years.

I did everything. I was on the air. I
was the newscaster. I was the disc

I wrote the shows.

The whole campus listened to the big F.

The big F?

That's me. Turn your dial for a while to
the voice with the smile.

F -E -L -I -X. Mark the spot.

1290 on your radio dot.

And dot's a lot.

That's college humor. Yeah, but college
humor, that's amateur.

This is the big time. I was
professional. When I was a kid, I was on

Pretend. I played all kinds of parts. I
was a frog once.

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

I'm in the actor's union.

Want to see a union card?

You were a member of the radio's actor's
union? I still am.

Paid my dues for 20 years waiting for
radio to come back.

Well, when it comes back, you don't tell
me about it.

See, that's another reason I didn't tell
you. Peter, you've got to understand,

this is not your big moment. It is my
big moment.

Now, I don't want to talk about my radio
show anymore.

Just give me my dinner.

When I finish my martini.

Oh, wait.

And you heard the show, huh?

I thought you didn't want to talk about
it.

I know.

Would you like it?

There's only one thing wrong with your
radio show. What's that?

You don't have any personality.

Look who's an authority.

Oh, that's a lot.

What do you mean? What's wrong?

You have to have a distinctive style for
radio.

You have to use your natural guest on
the air.

Yeah, but you can't see sloppiness on
the radio.

There are other aspects of your
personality that you could use on the

hostility, sarcasm.

You're very good at that. Those are your
strong points. I'm not kidding.

Nothing succeeds in boosting the ratings
like a touch of venom, and that's right

up your alley. You're the best in the
world at that.

I get the feeling I'm being insulted.
No, no, no, no.

I'm not kidding. I mean it. Instead of
saying, very nice of you to call, sir,

you should say, get off the air, you
stupid creep.

That's you. That's hostility. That's
self. People love it. Look at Howard

Cosell. You don't tell me people love to
be called stupid creeps. We didn't,

certainly. Yes, but the main thing is,
you weren't real, Oscar. You weren't

You know, you got a couple of people.
They asked some very stupid questions. I

wouldn't let them have it. Why didn't
you let them have it? Get in there.

them. I think you're right. Of course
I'm right.

I wasn't very successful at that. I
didn't get many cold calls at that.

I'm going to write down some hostile
notes right now. And you said I couldn't

help you.

Well, my pencils are broken.

Marie did it.

Hello?

Hello. I'm looking for Oscar Madison.

Oh, he'll be back in a minute. Can I
help? I'm Tina, Mr. Madison's secretary.

Tina? Where's Myrna?

On vacation.

Ah.

I'm sure to get the act right.

Ah, you must be Mr.

Unger. Oscar told you about me, huh?
Yeah.

Want to tell you a lot of neat Greek
jokes? Yeah.

Told you I polish my shoe trees? Yeah.

Did I use the water pick on my toes?

No.

Hello, everybody. This is the Big App.

Felix Unger broadcasting to you from
high atop the library building. And now

news as the time will allow. Berlin,
Germany.

Today, Adolf Hitler announced his
intention of invading Poland.

I love to invade, he said, when
questioned by this reporter.

And now the weather report for Mexico.

Chilly today and hot tamale.

And now... Who are you?

I'm Felix Unger. I'm a personal friend
of Oscar Madison.

Well, I'm Jim Antrobus. I'm the station
manager. Now, don't fool with that gear.

Okay. You never can tell when a mic is
live. Oh, I can always tell a hot mic

when I see one.

So you're in charge here, huh? You're
the man who decides who goes on and who

goes off?

Yeah. Me and the listeners.

Uh -huh.

See all those little buttons there?

Don't touch it.

If a program is popular, they light up
like a Christmas tree. It's a sign that

people are trying to get through on the
phone. Uh -huh. If no lights blink, no

Christmas. And no Christmas bonus, huh?

Hi. Hi, Jim.

Good luck on your show today, Oscar.

I'll be listening in my office.

What are you doing here?

Came down to help you. You want to help
me go sit in the corner somewhere? I'll

be on the air in a few seconds.

Just remember one thing.

Be me.

Be hot. Be yourself.

Okay, okay.

Ready, Oscar?

Where's your announcer?

What announcer?

To tell the people who you are, what
you're going to do in the new format. I

don't know, Phoenix. I'm not Ted using
you. We're on the air, Oscar. Go.

Hi there, sports fans.

Don't be down. The man with the frown is
coming around to drag you down to the

ground. And here he is, Mr.

Venom, Oscar Bad Madison.

Welcome to the Oscar Madison Sports Talk
Show.

There's going to be a lot of talk
tonight. Some of it you'll like and some

you won't. Well, either way, why don't
you call 555...

6181. Let me know how you feel and let
us get to the first phone call right

Hello? Yes, ma 'am.

What's on your mind, dummy?

Oh, listen to this, hockey puck gang.

driver that did this to me because of
what I said about the mess. He's a fan.

Yeah, and the bartender recognized my
voice and threw the beer in my face.

Another fan?

You're darn right.

The only time you need worry is when
they stop throwing beer in your face.

Hello?

Yeah, it's us. Come on.

Oh,

calm down, will you?

Look at this. Another one. Wait. Whoa.

What? Yeah.

Yes. Yes. I said water polo is a dumb
sport. That's right.

Yes, I can swim.

Swim up what?

Goodbye.

They love you.

They hate me. No, they love to hate you.

Look, I never promised you that they
would love you. I promised you they'd

listen to you. Yeah, they listen to me.
Both fits the clench. What's the matter

with you? I don't know. I don't think
they want to take it down there. No,

Yes, sir.

Yeah. Bye -bye.

Huh? Another fan, huh? No, that was
Antrobus from the radio station. We have

cut out the hostility.

What? He says people aren't listening to
their radios anymore. They're breaking

them. He's getting hate mail from
Quakers.

We'll cut out the hostility.

There's no problem. You adjust. They
don't want hostility. You give them Mr.

Nice Guy.

You said they like Howard Cassell. They
don't like Nice Guy. Nice, nice, as

always. It's nice. It's another aspect
of your personality. You with that

wonderful charm, that radness and charm,
that million -dollar smile. Oh, come

on. You can't see a smile on radio.

Oh, sure you can. Let's see the smile
there. Yeah, that's nice.

A little bit of sandwich in the tooth
there.

See?

The face with a smile is the voice with
a smile. You better get out of here

before I break both your legs.

You're at the radio station. You're
getting a phone call. You respond with

with Mr. Nice. Go ahead. Pick up the
phone. The phone call's coming in.

No. Hello.

Hello. Nice. We go, hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hello,

you stupid creep.

Why don't you get off the air?

Charm. Be nice.

I'm very glad you called, sir. I'm
interested in your opinion. I'm not

interested. I can't talk to somebody
like that. Somebody talks to me angrily.

Nobody can do it. Of course not. It's
nothing to do with it. Why, you do it.

Easy. I recall my early training. All
right, let me see you do it. All right.

Nothing to it. Hello?

Hello? Is this Dr. Madison?

Yes, this is he.

Listen, you big mouth creep.

You don't know nothing about nothing.

Why don't you stop polluting the air and
get off it?

Why, you ugly little ignoramus.

the nice and sweet with the little.
Nobody talks to me that way.

Feel better? You talked about it? What's
there to talk about?

For two days, I've been Mr. Nice Guy at
the station. I haven't gotten one phone

call yet. I didn't get one.

The guy wanted to tell me Mambo lessons.

Oscar, what would you say if I told you
that I figured out a way to make the

Oscar Madison show the talk of New York.
I'm going to tell you something. Listen

carefully. There are two things in this
world I don't need right now.

That's you and a fungus.

Even fungus begins with fun.

You make me laugh.

Gang, come on.

Good morning, Mr. Madison.

Good morning, Oscar.

You want an audience to watch me eat?

Bear with me, Oscar.

Believe me, what your show needs is to
return to those thrilling days of

yesteryear when out of the past came the
thundering hoofbeats of real live

radio.

You ready, Cass?

Ready.

We're on the air.

Come on, Jimmy.

We've got to get to the secret
headquarters of the mysterious Dr. Zwab

midnight, or the entire world will
explode.

Yes, fellas and gals, it's time once
again for America's great crusader, the

adventuring ranger!

Ranger! Ranger!

I don't believe it.

I wrote this in college.

And now, back to the adventuring ranger!

Ranger! Ranger!

Let's join the adventuring ranger and
his young cohort, Jimmy.

as they make their way through the dense
jungle underbrush towards the castle of

the mysterious Dr.

Zwob. The ranger speaks.

Just follow along behind, Jimmy.

I'll just put my foot in your cupped
hands here and lift myself onto the

Jump up here and grab the top of the
wolf.

I'll stop at the end of that attack.

I get it with all those grunts going on.
You don't like the adventuring ranger?

Ranger!

I'll be outside with him in just a
minute.

Oscar, this is real radio.

Felix, that is hardcore nonsense.

I'm doing a sports talk show, not a
kiddie matinee from the 40s.

Wait.

Better. Better, better, better. What's
better? What's better? We won't do the

adventuring rage. Look how he listens
finally to a man who's been aggravated

death. I'll write authentic, factual
stories of great moments in sports.

But you don't know anything about
sports.

I'll make them up.

I know what you're doing. Felix. Is that
all your music, Mark? Felix?

Yes, sir. I just read your script. I
mean, this isn't the story about Babe

and the kid. The names are wrong. The
places are wrong. It's not the way it

happened. But it's better than the way
it happened. This is dramatization based

on rumor.

This script is going out over the air?

Well, it's a new concept.

New concept? This is what killed radio.

We're going to light up your
switchboard.

This is going to make you the hero of
broadcasting. Who are these people?

This is my cast.

Well, I hope they're members of the
union. If they're not, they can't

What kind of bilge water are you
pumping, mister?

Don't worry, kids. He can't do anything
to us. I'm sorry. It's union rule.

Union? You say union?

You want to see a union card?

I'll show you a union card. What does
that look like?

That is a union card. You're darn right.

All right. You're all right. But these
two will have to go.

Sorry, kid.

Radio. Showbiz. Better luck next time.
You see how smart I was to pay my dues?

Felix, this was written for four people.
So what's the difference? This is

radio. We'll double.

That's radio. That's the beauty part.

Okay, everybody set? Cast? We're the
cast.

Right. Sound effect.

Music. Okay.

What's that?

What's what?

That weed.

Oh, nothing. It's a smoker's call.

Well, Mr. Bill, what's that?

Are you going to be all right? I'll put
it out. I'll be all right. Okay, sure.

Okay, let's go. Get him out of here.
Would you mind waiting outside until

is over, sir? Do I get paid? Yes, you'll
be paid double.

You know what to do. You watch the sound
effects. You'll do the thing. But I'm

the narrator.

It's a small part. You'll do it. I
noticed that. All right, Sega. All

everybody, cup your ears.

Madison show, Great Moment in Sport.

Felix Unger, your host.

Right now, the star of our show, the
Dean of America Sportswriters, Oscar

Madison, your host, is Felix Unger.

Thank you. Let's get right to our story,
the year 1932.

Extra, extra, President Roosevelt,
elected president.

To play Chicago.

The Windy City.

Babe Ruth, then playing for the Yankees,
was looking forward to that afternoon's

World Series game with the Cubs. The
morning of the game, as was his want, he

visited the Children's Ward of Mercy
Hospital.

Dr. Chern, call surgery.

Dr. Chern, call surgery.

And now, the Babe Feet.

Gee, nurse, it sure is swell to see all
those poor kids in the hospital looking

so perky.

It's you that makes them feel perky,
baby Ruth.

You're a peachy guy.

Oh, you're a grand girl to say that. I'm
just glad the good Lord allows me to be

here. Ah, look, here comes the doctor.

Hello, doctor.

Hey, hello.

I think I'll stop walking now.

I caught you before you went out to
Wrigley Field, Bambino.

Oh, something I could do for you,
Doctor?

There is just one child who hasn't seen
you, and it'll break his little heart if

we don't stop by. Oh, sure is shooting.
Always time for a kid in trouble.

Right this way, immortal babe.

And so, fate played a hand that
afternoon in Chicago.

As they approached the bedside, a poor
little Billy, who was ill with a rare

tropical disease for which there was no
cure, he was sobbing quietly.

The nurse spoke softly.

The child stopped crying when the nurse
spoke softly.

Little Billy? Yes?

The immortal babe is here to see you.

Mr. Roof? Just call me babe.

Oh, gee, willikers.

That's Bambino.

It sure is nice to see you.

Hey, kid, you got a radio.

Yeah, it's a keen one. It doesn't get
any static.

Well, you'll be listening to the ball
game this afternoon.

And when the announcer tells you I'm up
to bat, I'm going to point to a spot in

right field grandstands and hit a home
run right into that spot.

And it's going to be just for you,
little Billy.

the stadium.

Well done.

Top of the eighth here at Wrigley Field.

The bases are loaded.

The babe steps up to the plate.

A hush falls over the crowd.

Wait a minute. What's going on here? The
immortal babe is pointing to the right

field bleachers and out there it means
something to somebody somewhere.

Consuela gets the signal again.

There's the windup and the swing.

It's going. It's going.

I'll have it for you in just a minute.

Great. Oh, that's great. Look at the
board.

Look at the way that board's lit up.
It's like a Christmas tree. You're doing

great. Just keep the energy up. Listen,
you better look over the ending because

I rewrote it. What was my ending?

Go.

and back to Oscar Madison's
exceptionally great moment in fourth.

Well, folks, Babe Ruth went on to
fulfill his destiny and many more great

moments in baseball, but poor little
Billy got sicker and sicker until

one day, when it looked like the end was
near, in far -off England in a tiny

laboratory, a miracle took place.

I see.

Dr. Margolis, I think I've done it.

Hmm? What's that, Dr. Fleming?

I've discovered penicillin.

Yes, folks, penicillin. The big piece.

and millions more like him.

Felix Unger here, and as an interesting
footnote, you might like to know that

Billy Pomerantz lives today quietly in a
condominium in Iron Mountain, Michigan.

The successful head of the Pomerantz
Joke and Novelty Company, makers of the

world -famous Pomerantz Joybuster.

This is Felix Unger reminding you to
tune in tomorrow for Oscar Madison's

moments in sports.

This is Felix Unger, your host.

I've got hundreds of calls. No kidding.
Isn't that great?

Correcting the story.

It doesn't matter. What do they think
about it in the front office? That's

counts. Oh, I love it. They're going to
keep it as a regular feature.

No kidding. Only they're going to use
professional actors. We're out.

I'm a professional actor. What are you
talking about?

I'm a member of the union.

Oh, come on. Don't.