All language subtitles for the_odd_couple_s03e05

Here, Myrna. Take me down to the paper
right away, will you? I've got to rest a

little bit. I've got to cover the hockey
game. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy?

Is that, uh, also hurting, oh, boy?

Feels like I swallowed the Middle East.

Are you going to have dinner, or is that
it?

Felix will be home soon. He'll fix me
something. Go, will you? Bring it down.

You know, Milk Boomer down at the paper?
He died last week.

I didn't know. Will you go already,
Myrna?

He was the obituary columnist. My, now,
they're waiting.

Keeled over in the middle of writing up
somebody else's death.

They're waiting already.

A complete stranger had to write up his
obituary. You're going to go?

I'm going.

You really ought to slow down, Mr. M.

I'd hate for anything to happen to you.

Nobody else would hire me.

Oh, hi, Miss Donger.

You look terrible.

Bye, Miss Donger.

Listen, I got to cover a game. Make
supper right away, will you?

Awesome.

I can't move.

Every bone in my body aches.

Even my earlobes ache.

I know how you feel.

Oh, nobody knows.

Eleven hours today, I photographed
little children eating breakfast food.

One tiny tyke.

Drooled on my ankles.

A heavyset kid rammed his tow truck into
my shin.

And an angel -faced little girl made
sissy in my camera bag.

Success has a hollow ring.

My stomach has a hollow ring. Will you
make supper already? Oh, Oscar, I can't

even think about supper.

Get that, will you? Sure.

Come in!

miracle to get me off this couch.

Hello, my sons.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he
also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?

I'm Brother Ralph.

I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of
Life mission. I gave it the office.

Just take a moment. Once a year, the
Brotherhood of Life goes around

for our mission in upstate New York.

Looks like a nice, clean mission.

Looks like the Alamo.

We're a non -sectarian group devoted to
the simpler things in life. I'll tell

you what I'll do.

I'll donate $10 if you'll make me a
simple hamburger.

This is a man of his word.

I'll make supper. I'd be glad to make
you something. You're both exhausted

your quests in the world out there. It's
the least I can do.

You would make him a hamburger?

For a $10 donation, I'd make him chicken
cacciatore.

I'll tell you what it's like.

Mustard, ketchup, tabasco sauce, and
some chili. No onions.

No, I got enough.

Oh, did you ever in your life see anyone
with an ulcer eat like that?

Yeah. Me.

Work. Your stomach is worth more than
that. Oscar, you hear?

Slow down.

Felix, the man is a monk. What does he
know about deadlines and taxes and

alimony? Here's my donation.

Thank you. If you ever want to go into
society again, you get a job as a short

order cook. You'd be very good.

It was a little too much Tabasco sauce.

I had a regular job.

I was head of the Decker advertising
agency. I had 1 ,100 men under me.

You're Ralph Decker.

I did an ad for you once, remember?

The talking bra?

Yes, yes.

Gave it all up.

One day, I looked out my office window
and I saw a bluebird.

All I wanted to do in the world was look
at that bluebird.

I had a headache.

My eye twitched. I smoked five packs of
cigarettes a day. Every light on my

phone was lit. I answered the one, two,
three.

And when I was done, the blue bird had
vanished.

That day I packed up for the Brotherhood
of Life for a month's retreat.

That was ten years ago.

You just quit. Said goodbye to the
talking bra.

Well, I have some more stops to make.

Here, a little something from the Felix
Unger Studios.

Portraits of specialty. Oh, bless you,
bless you.

And remember our brochure. You may like
to come up and spend some time with us.

I still can't get over that you came in
here and cooked our dinner. Well, the

Lord travels in mysterious ways.

Why not through hamburger?

Be well.

I can't keep my eye on you. Did you see
my blue tie, Jimmy?

Blue tie?

Where were you working last? Desk.

That's where it's got to be, at the
desk.

You're right. I used it to clean my
typewriter.

It's for you.

Hello.

Yeah. Yes, yes, Mr. Topskin.

Yes. Oh, yeah, we put in a good day's
work today.

Yes, I love working with the little
people.

Sure, yeah.

Well, I'll have the proofs on your desk
by noon tomorrow.

Eight in the morning?

Well, that's... that's outrageous.

What, I have to work on... Well, of
course I want the job.

Yes, you'll have them by 8 in the
morning.

Goodbye.

Oscar, can you imagine?

Oscar. Hey.

Hey. Now they want this job finished by
8 in the morning. Can you imagine that?

Because I'll have to work all night.
Take a pet pill. That's all I can do.

Interview the goalie.

I'll take a sleeping pill.

No, I'll interview the goalie first. 8 o
'clock will be 10 o 'clock. That means

I won't get any lunch. I'll take a diet
pill. What else can I do?

Hey, hey, hey.

Stop. What's the matter?

Look at us. We're running around like
lunatics. We're losing our bluebirds.

Out of my way, Pete. I'm late. Oscar,
I've made a decision.

Tonight, you can find me at Brother
Ralph's, seeking contentment. Tonight,

can find me at Rhoda Zimmerman's,
seeking contentment.

And now, gentlemen, for the next step in
our orientation, Brother Lou will call

your name and distribute your robes.
Once in your robe, you'll be referred to

Brother.

Tucker H.

Yes, I come here once a year to get away
from my factory.

What do you make?

Megaphone.

My company is the largest manufacturer
of megaphones in the whole country.

You know the majority of your sis -boom
-bas and your rah -rah -rahs are shouted

through Millman megaphones?

How do you do? How do you do?

Unger, Felix?

My name is now Brother Lowell. Brother
Lowell?

What business are you in?

I'm in shoes.

Manufacturing? No, shining.

I have a shoeshine stand in Youngstown.

Really?

Yes, some of us still do it.

Unger F. Excuse me.

I'm Unger F.

You?

Do you mind if I...

Ask you a question.

What is it, Ungereth?

What do we wear underneath these?

It doesn't matter.

Nobody peeps.

Writing a postcard.

I had the most wonderful day today,
Brother Ralph.

I stared at my hand for two hours.

I had forgotten the beauty of my hand.

Very good.

Well, if you want anything at all, just
abstain.

Remember, your inner self is you.

How true.

How true.

Hmm.

Actually, my foot is just as interesting
as my hand.

This little piggy went to market.

happened? What changed you? What brought
you here? Did you see a vision? No, I

saw the x -ray of my ulcers.

The doctor said either I take a short
rest now or I take a long rest

permanently. Oh, boy.

Not a very spiritual reason, is it? But
you're going to have the most marvelous

experience here. Oscar, do you know what
I did today?

I stared at my hand all day long.

The hand is an amazing instrument,
Oscar.

Each finger can move individually, or
they can move in unison, or in any

combination.

Look, the thumb can move with the pinky.

Or the forefinger with the thumb. Or
with the pinky. Or in any combination.

You better cut it out. You won't be able
to use any fingers.

Mock, if you will, Oscar. But you'll
find out that contemplating your hand

be very rewarding.

Only if it's holding a can of beer.

Will you stop that?

It's time to go to bed.

It's eight o 'clock.

Eight o 'clock already?

Gee, I'll have to take a nap tomorrow
morning.

Isn't there anything to read?

No.

Felix, I can't go to sleep without
reading. No magazines in the Brother

Good night, my fellow man. I, too, am
used to reading before I go to sleep.

here, we meditate.

You don't understand.

Felix, I can't go to sleep unless I
read.

Bring my toothpaste tube.

Oscar? Yeah?

Can I read it when you're finished?

As a special part of our midweek dinner,
we ask each brother to share some

moment of his meditation with all of us.
Brother Samuel, will you... begin.

I stared at a flower today.

I stared at a flower today.

I don't think I've ever really looked at
a flower before, but it was so

beautiful.

I talked to the flower and all its
petals blew off.

They're horrid.

Well, I didn't meditate, per se. I
worked in the carpentry shop.

I'm in the military.

And I've made decisions that have
changed history and won battles, per se.

But I have never known the sense of
accomplishment that I felt today

when I requisitioned some pieces of wood
and made one small

house burn.

Oscar, look. Look, see the little door?
And inside there's a place for one. I

don't want to see it. Oh, but the man
works so hard at it. Oh, come on. What's

look at a GI birdhouse?

Brother Felix, would you share your
revelations with us?

Gladly.

Today, I watched an anthill for five
hours.

Can I look at the birdhouse?

As I watched the ant, I saw that one
little ant was having trouble carrying

his load.

The other ants carried theirs with ease,
scurrying to and fro.

But this one little fellow couldn't
handle his.

I was rooting for him.

I always root for the under ant.

Well, he tugged and he pulled.

and he pushed, but he just couldn't do
it.

And finally, he shrugged his shoulders
and gave up.

But the other ants did not abandon their
little friend.

They rushed to his side and carried his
crumb.

I thought that I, too, should help my
fellow man carry his load.

Amen.

Hear, hear, brother.

Brother Lowell? Well, I just laid all
day on my cot with eyes closed.

And he's the social director.

Brother Oscar?

Oh, I don't have anything to say, sir.

Don't be embarrassed. Surely there must
be something that's been on your mind

these past few days.

Boy, do I miss Rhoda Zimmerman.

Well, it's a start.

And now I see by the old shadow on the
floor that it's time for

unsupervised communication.

Another interesting thing about the...

Brothers, let me tell you my most inner
thoughts. I am bored.

And I am going to take these sugar cubes
and I am going to make them into dice.

Anybody who wants a spiritual uplift, it
will be floating in my rooms. It's

blasphemy. Blasphemy. What are you
talking about? The Lord giveth and the

taketh. We're just going to find out how
much it is.

I'm glad to see that all of you have
enough sense not to follow that pagan.

Forget my aunt.

I'd like to tell you my impressions of
some clouds I saw today.

Clouds that looked like flowers.

Clouds that looked like animals.

And one cloud that looked like a chicken
salad sandwich.

Though I know it sounds cliched, I
actually saw the oft -mentioned cloud

with the silver lining.

We don't have any money. I'll write it
on the parchment. We'll play for I .O.

vows, okay?

You are the world's worst monk.

What are you talking about? We're just
trying to have some fun. Fun, yes, fun,

all right, but not like this.

All right, if you have to have some
excitement, I'll tell you the big

What?

Brother Lou accidentally let it slip
today. What? It's a biggie. When is it?

Tomorrow.

We all get to take a ride on the donkey.

Why don't you go back to looking at your
hands, see? See if you can get your

fingers to move in unison. See, have
them close and make a fist. Then punch

yourself in the mouth.

Brother Oscar, examine your psyche.

Oh, go examine an anthill or something.
Come on. All right, let it roll!

Fine, the loudness born in mind. All
right, come on, baby!

Brother needs a new pair of sandals.

Brother Oscar, eat the dice, eat the
dice.

I can't, I'm diabetic.

What have we here? Mass meditation?

I had to report you, brothers, for your
own good.

I'm sorry. It was my fault. I started
the game. I was going crazy. Would you

please all go to your cells?

Brother Oscar, this is your cell.

We have to have certain rules here so
that all can experience what they came

for. Part of our goal here is to create
an atmosphere where each man can

meditate undisturbed by another man.

I know, I'm sorry. I guess I just don't
fit in here. Look, I'll pack and I'll

leave. I think you'd benefit more by
serving penance.

Each brother took a vow to stay a week.
I'd hate to see you break that vow.

I think penance would do you a world of
good, Brother Austin.

You're not a vow -breaker.

Okay, I'll serve penance.

Naturally, you'll serve a penance, too,
Brother Austin. Me? Well, I... I know

you weren't indulging in the game, but
here we also frown on men turning in

their fellow man. It's an unwritten
commandment.

Thou shalt not think.

Brother Lou is our penance director.

Brother Lou?

They will get up at 4 a .m. tomorrow and
bake the bread.

They will be silent for 24 hours.

Three marks on the slate for speaking,
and you fail.

stiff pennant. Yeah, but you'll fail.
You can't keep your big mouth shut for

hours speaking on your fellow man.

All right, I sinned once, but I think I
can keep silent better than a weak

-willed, fun -crazed person I know. Oh,
yeah, I'm going to get even with you.

I'm going to make you speak.

Oh, is that your challenge, Brother
Madison, Monk of the Messy? Yes,

I'm the state of the stool pigeons.

Brother Lou will be in listening
distance at all times.

Remember, three marks, and that's it.

Your silence begins now.

Good night.

Good night.

All right. The

gambler here and the fink there.

And remember, no talking.

our things and leave, Brother Ralph.
We're deeply ashamed.

Why are you leaving?

Well, isn't that the punishment for
failure?

No, there is no punishment.

You failed at a task and were forgiven.

Possibly when you go back out there,
your employees or friends or loved ones

fail at something and you won't be so
hard on them.

People do fail, you know.

Well, if the bread's ready, why don't
you wash up? We'll have breakfast.

Oscar, what a beautiful lesson we
learned. What?

We learned the lesson of forgiveness.

And the big man up there looking down
sees a new Felix and a new Oscar. Come

now don't turn into a religious fanatic.
The big man up there doesn't even know

Oscar and Felix.

Brother Oscar, now remember, he's had no
fun. He's been very depressed.

Nobody but he just read. He failed no
talk. He's been reading everybody's two

-faced. So let's show him that we're fun
guys.

We'll give him a good... Hi, brothers.

What's going on here?

Brother!

reflection yes that is our game if
you're feeling beat come to our retreat

you'll surely meet someone who feels the
same there's no ignore your former

pessimist undemanding understanding yes
that's all there is if you want to live

then you've got to give your fellow man
a helping hand and he will probably

offer his wait but

don't