All language subtitles for the_odd_couple_s03e01

Like you said, Mr. Madison.

This room scares me.

Must have dozed off.

No, you ought to get...

Ecology Award for recycling all the
garbage into your room.

A secretary who can only type seven
words a minute shouldn't be fresh.

I'm sorry.

Got a bad headache? No, I got a good
headache.

There's your mail.

Here's tomorrow's column.

Get it in right away, will you? Wait a
minute. Give me it.

There's something wrong about the way
you look.

What? You look good.

Thank you. It really does show, doesn't
it? I'm so happy I...

Why is your mirror up there?

It's where they nail it.

Yeah? Yeah, sure, right here.

I do look good, don't I?

Mr. Madison, my tip finally came in. I
met the greatest guy, a stockbroker, and

I think it looks serious.

Yeah? Where'd you meet him? Well, I got
up the nerve to join one of those

computer dating agencies, Executron.
They only handle executives and girls

a college education.

I'm the latter.

You've heard of them.

You know, Executron, where the wealthy
meet the healthy?

Yeah, I saw that right in the papers. A
man and a woman walking up the steps to

a bank, right? It's really terrific.

In fact, you ought to sign up with them.

What are you, kidding? I don't need a
computer dating service.

I got a terrific social life.

Mr. Madison, I'm the last to talk out of
turn, but I am your secretary, and I

know all about your social life. What
about?

You're not hot.

I date a lot.

Well, I mean, everybody hits a slump
once in a while, don't they?

What's that?

Tonic. You always take tonic with a
shoehorn?

I couldn't find a spoon, but I clean it,
I clean it.

What do you put your shoes on with, a
fork?

Well,

here's their card in case you're
interested.

Let me just set you back.

$200. $200? That's a lot of money.

Mr. Madison, you can't put a price on
loneliness.

Think about it. I'll see you Monday.

Okay.

Executive. Ah, what does she know?

She knows I'm not hot, that's what she
knows.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his

place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he
also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?

Oh, Felix.

Did you wipe your feet?

Yeah.

Good, I just shampooed the rug.

What are you making?

Little melon balls. Oh, good. No, not
with your fingers. Come on.

Let's make one big one.

If I made one that size, that's the size
you'd put in your mouth.

Go wash your hands.

He's gonna wash his hands in the kitchen
sink.

Any mail for me?

Nah, nothing.

Just an ad to remove unwanted hair and
the wrong address.

Where's the wrong address?

Over there. Mr. Andre La Plume. Did you
ever?

Don't do that. That's the federal
offense.

That's my letter.

What? You've changed your name.

Oscar. You've sent away for dirty books
under another name.

Can you cut it out? I'm Andre La Plume.
It's my pen name.

Pen name. La Plume.

How did you ever think of that?

What do you need a pen name for? Well,
if you must.

What? Any business.

Don't tell me.

Makes me know never mind.

It's none of my bees' whack. It's none
of my bees' whack.

Come on, what?

Tell me.

Well, all right.

Well, I... I signed up with a... What?

Come on.

Computer dating outfit.

Computer dating?

You, the last of the lukewarm lovers.
Oh,

Mr. LaFleur.

I'd be ashamed.

Come on, Andre.

I'm dying to know. How'd you get mixed
up with computer dating?

Well, let's face it, I'm lonely.

I'm lonely and I'm tired. I'm tired of
all those empty conversations about sex

and astrology.

I want a meaningful relationship.

All right, laugh. But I'm tired of going
every night to my lonely bed.

Lonely bed. Everything you've ever owned
is in there.

I'll tell you, I thought if there was
one person in this world who would have

understood, it would have been you. But
was I wrong, boy? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, I'll stab myself with a carrot.

You're absolutely right. Believe me.
Computer dating is a legitimate, time

-tested way to bring perfectly suited
people together.

Now, you really think I did the right
thing? Did you do the right thing?

What have you had until now?

Chance meetings in hallways with door
-to -door fundraisers.

Brief encounters with airline
stewardesses who just wanted to sit down

their feet.

That's not for you.

You deserve something better. You want
something that will blossom into a

relationship between two people whose
fate has been charted not only by the

stars above, but by the computers below.

Compare the tranchant of beer with the
enduring bouquet of fine wine.

And you ask me, Did you do the right
thing?

I don't know. Did I?

It's been such a long time since I
asked. Cheers.

Hey,

where were you?

I had a date with Miriam.

Upstairs, Miriam? Yeah.

Lovely person.

How come I haven't met her?

I'm preparing her.

Where'd you take her?

Didn't take her anywhere. We never left
the building.

We stayed in and watched an educational
show on TV.

Oh, that's really... No, it was very,
very exciting.

It was all about the habits of the
Central American raccoon.

No kidding. It's called the Kodamundi,
and it has an almost prehensile nose.

The Kodamundi eats nothing but dead
worms, and its diet is better than

How do you do it?

I'm pulling out my form, your
personality profile.

Oh, you're doing a match -up. Yeah. I
never knew that.

Why? You like square dancing?

Hey, Steve, there's a lot about me you
don't know. Grab your partner through

nose. Kick him in the elbow.

Don't. That was stationed in Montana.

Favorite food?

Garbage.

Crepe Suzette.

Felix, leave me alone, will you? I got
to get this in the mail by tomorrow if I

want to match up to you. What is it?
What?

Overall appearance?

Above average?

Yeah.

What's your definition of average? The
wolf man?

puts my picture at the top of my column
every day. Would they do that if I was

just average looking? The paper also
prints Mutt and Jeff every day, and

not above average either.

And Mutt's a better dresser than you
are.

Let me give it to you straight. If I put
down average, I get an average looking

girl, and that's not what I'm looking
for. You've got to fill this out with

absolute accuracy so they match you up
with the right person. What do you mean

accuracy? It's not a science. It's a
matter of opinion. Who's to say what's

above average, what's average? If
there's one man in this world who's

looking, it's you.

You're very nice looking, but you're
average.

Yeah, right. Yes. What would you put
down for yourself on that question? No,

it's very important.

You say that I'm average. What are you?

Well above average.

You're well above me.

Yes. Were you almost voted cutest boy in
your high school yearbook?

Well, I would have been, but you
couldn't have two awards and I already

home economics medal.

Let's face it. I've always been a very
cute person.

They don't have any category down here.

is very cute. All they have is
excellent, above average, average, below

and we're returning your deposit.

You're defeating the very purpose of
computer data.

I'm above average, above average, and
I'm leaving it in.

Right in the neck.

Come and spoil everything.

Do you believe in premarital sex?

You check yes, no, and sometimes.

I'm allowed my moods.

I'm just trying to be honest. Then why
aren't you? honest about your

averageness. Again with you. Will you go
to bed? Let me finish this, please.

Centuries of science have brought us to
the computer age.

You're expecting locusts?

Oscar, you're going to foul up the
entire computer mechanism. You're lying

your application. I'm not lying. I'm
trying to tell the absolute truth.

Favorite sport?

Yacht racing.

Check our coats, please.

On hangers, if you will. No hoops. We
have no hoops, monsieur.

Don't be self -conscious.

You're doing the right thing. You are,
you are. Believe me.

You're nervous?

No. Then why are you drinking that man's
drink?

He's got a computer -blind date. Felix!

Where's Maria? She'll be here. She's
joining us. So tell me, what's your

name?

Sarah. Sarah Morgan.

That's very good.

I like, well, Sarah, biblical, Morgan,
money, J .P. Morgan, gives me very good

vibrations. Your Sarah Morgan's going to
be a knockout. I know. Maybe you're

right. Wow, look at that. This is
Miriam.

Hello,

funny face.

Hi, Felix.

Miriam, this is Oscar.

Hi, good to see you. We're waiting for
his dates. Let's do that. That's great.

It's someone you've never met before.
How exciting.

You're right.

What a surprise!

She looks like your ex -wife. She looks
like Gloria?

Yeah.

Gloria!

She's his ex -wife.

Miriam, this is Gloria Unger, my wife.
My ex -wife.

Gloria, this is Miriam Welby. Hi.

I've heard a lot about you. All nice.

All nice.

I like your dress.

I bought that dress.

You know, if you don't mind, I think I'd
like to go to the ladies' room. Of

course.

You better slide this way. I'll come
with you.

Hey, that's not a bad idea. I think
maybe I'll... Wait, wait.

Slide in here. You slide in. I'm wearing
out my pants.

expecting a Sarah Morgan, Sarah Morgan,
not a glorious Sarah Morgan.

What's the matter?

Hypoglycemia.

Whenever I'm upset, my blood sugar gets
very low.

Is this all you're... Well, you lied on
your application.

You're outracing for pity's sake. Oh,
how did I know this was going to happen?

You put down that you're above average
in appearance, so they matched you up

with Gloria because she's suited to
someone above average, like me. That's

you're divorced. Oh, what have I got to
do?

What am I going to do?

Well, we're going to stay... And then we
can split whatever we want. Tell me,

tell me, what should I do? You should
remain calm is what you should... Here,

come.

Slide up.

Hi, kids.

How did it go?

Slide up.

Boy, don't... She means absolutely
nothing to me. She lives in our

I've done my laundry with her twice.
That's absolutely... Honestly, I want

to date.

You do?

It's a perfectly healthy, normal thing.

Here we are.

We're all helpful, Normie.

We're what?

We're mature. We're adults with an above
-average sense of humor, if I'm not

mistaken. So, uh, let's have fun, shall
we? That's a good idea. We have a party.

What are we gonna do? This is just a
double date. It's a double date.

I'm with Miriam.

Gloria, you're with Oscar over there,
so... The party's on me.

Excellent, monsieur. Would you care for
some drinks before dinner?

Oh, yeah, sure. What would you like?

And I'd love a martini. Scotch and a
martini. No, I think you better have a

vermouth. Oh, it's not a vermouth kind
of evening. I think I know what Gloria

ought to have.

Felix, please don't order from me. You
know I never like that. Yeah, let her

have what she wants, will you? That's
one scotch and one martini.

Gloria will have a dry vermouth on the
rocks.

I'll have a martini.

She'll have a martini.

That's a vermouth and two martinis. What
should I have, Felix?

Anything you want. Have a martini.

Merci.

Phoenix, I happen to be Oscar's date
tonight.

Oh, come on. That's just because of a
computer error.

The whole thing is so stupid.

Did you ever... I think they're a cute
couple.

You do? She does.

Thank you.

Let me ask you this.

Do you think Oscar's above average?

Above average what?

Above average in appearance.

Yes, yes, I do.

Thank you. Would you stand up, please?

Oh, you cut that out. It's not about...

Scream at Miriam?

I happen to think he's above average,
too. Thank you.

Felix, you don't need to pick on me just
because you're jealous of Oscar and

Gloria. Why should I be jealous of Andre
La Plume? That's enough, Felix!

I want to go home.

I want to go home, too. I want to go
home.

Somebody's on the powder.

Monsieur, your party is not staying for
dinner.

Monsieur, your

martini.

Bon appétit.

Are you awake?

No.

Oscar, I'm sorry.

You didn't hear no?

I've been walking the streets for hours.

I've been thinking, Oscar. About what?

Listen to me, Oscar.

You gonna have a fireside chat?

About tonight.

Did Gloria resent my dating Miriam? No,
she did not.

She was able to rise above petty
jealousy.

But was I?

No. Oscar, if I'm any kind of man at
all, I've got to come to you with my

held high and say, go ahead, Oscar, go
with my blessing. Go ahead and what?

I want you to date Gloria again.

What? Why not?

It's because of me the date didn't work
out tonight.

But if I were up there somewhere, poor
dear departed Felix,

Struck down in my prime by who knows
what terrible reason. Try for waking up

Oscar.

Never mind.

If I was up there, you'd be dating
Gloria.

You'd be discovering for yourself what a
glorious woman she is.

Give it a try, will you? For me, if not
for yourself, so I don't go through the

rest of my life hating myself.

I'll do it on one condition.

Name it. You let me go through my life
hating you.

you want me to go.

What does it mean with the eyes? I want
you to go.

Hi, Felix.

Hi, Murray.

Hi, Oscar.

How are you feeling, Oscar?

He feels great.

What am I smiling about?

Well, I saw everybody smiling.

Come on in. Hey, Oscar was dressed to
kill. Where's he going?

He's got a date.

That's why he was smiling.

Another pushover.

Come on, let's get to work.

What song are you doing in the police
show? Ah, Poor Little Buttercup.

Who chose that for you? My captain.

You must hate Gilbert and Sullivan.

How do you like the ballet?

Oh, it's terrific.

Really terrific.

I just love Swan Lake. It's my favorite.

Especially, you know, where the ducks
put their heads through the frou -frou.

I wonder how the New York Rangers did
tonight.

Well, it's hard to say since the season
ended a few weeks ago.

You got hyperglycemia, too?

Felix gave it to me.

Oscar, I give up if you give up. I give
up? Who are we kidding?

Gloria, look at us. We've known each
other for ten years. We've always been

to talk. Now we can't because we're on a
date that's all wrong.

And it's all because Felix is trying to
prove he's not jealous. He's constantly

trying to prove he's a... Pure, you're a
human being. I know. Above average,

almost the cutest.

I know that.

Let's go home.

What can a lad do?

Don't you understand? He's going to make
us go out on date after date after

date, and there's no way to stop him.

Unless we give him a reason for it.

Farrah.

Andre.

Hey.

My name is this podcast.

Sweet little buttercup eye.

I'm not going to do it. You know, the
guys may laugh.

No, they'll respect you for it.

Can't wait until I see your costume.

Hey, Phoenix. Marie.

Hi, Gloria.

What are you doing here?

I'm going home. What do you think? Oh, I
just wanted to see the apartment.

Gloria. You've seen me in the apartment
a thousand times.

Felix, I know you're from another
planet, but here in North America, you

girl out on a date, you bring her home
for a drink.

Oscar is dating Gloria?

Yes. Felix,

I'm trained not to be surprised.

Excuse us, will you do this?

Excuse us. Thank you.

Well, how was the evening?

Don't you have a book you're dying to
finish or something?

A book you're dying to finish. You want
it to go already.

as much as I am. More so, in fact,
technically, I'm still a guest here, so

whatever you... Gloria, you're a free
agent. Whatever you want.

I'll be in my room. Don't worry about
me.

I just wanted you to know I'm not going
to make an excuse if I want coffee or

come back or anything like that. You're
absolutely on your own.

You're safe.

It didn't work.

Question of time. You want a place in
the gym with me? Yeah, I'd love to.

Now we're rolling.

Hey, did he still bang his head up
against the wall when he's upset?

I'll take you home. No, I'll have the
doorman get me a cab.

Good night, Oscar.

Thank you. Nice evening. You too. Bye
-bye.

It only proves you're a normal human
being and you get jealous like the rest

us. Good night, buddy.

Oscar.

You're well above average.

tense about?

Executant wouldn't give me my money
back. They said I had to fill out

application and try again. Well, so
you'll try again. You'll get another

it. At least this time, you know, you're
not going to get Gloria. She's not

Sarah Morgan anymore.

And you're not using a silly name like
André La Plume. Hey, Mr. Willard

Eisenhower. Here, that's it.

What is it? There's a Miss Lina Molinaro
waiting.

Oh, bring her here, will you?

Lina Molinaro?

That's not American.

Lina Molinara? Your Willard Eisenhower?

What happened to the stockbroker? He was
married.

Gliding, sliding.